The goal of this site is simple, to find kindness in the world, and establish connection through the act of clarity that comes with meditating on human connection and sobriety, peace, joy, and serenity.

This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to serve misery.

Thank you, your compliment and reading this means the world to me, for explanation I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills. I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-criminal/ex-homeless vagrant who is writing instead of committing crime on the street corners of this country or the voice of the drug epidemic screaming on here instead of tweaking and shooting heroin on a corner while holding a sign and waiting for my man.

Characters thus far



Damien de Soto

Rei Clearly

All characters are me, or my pen names, or my imaginary friends, or my split personalities, dramatized fictionalized, scape goats, captive in my mind.

Honesty, will, and what the **** do I do?

I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of life recently, the idea of my will versus the world, and the idea of what it truly means to admit that I am not in control. I have a hard time understanding this concept, coupled with the concept of emotional honesty. I am trying to strike a balance in my head between the idea that I am not in control which makes me want to assert control and the whole honesty thing. I am stuck on the idea that my honest response is to fight against the universe, that I do not have control over, because to not respond honestly would be dishonest which means I would be faking it.

I am just collecting responses on the idea, I don’t know what I think of the whole thing, and would love to know what others think. Let me know if you have any thoughts.

I will be fine, just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this…

How do I overcome processes I want to overcome, when they are so ingrained in me and making me miserable?

Feel free to tell me what you think, looking for opinions because I have no idea what the answer to this is.

Is this just something that comes with time and effort?


2 responses to “Honesty, will, and what the **** do I do?”

  1. It’s hard to come up with “the answer” that Just Works™️ for everybody, simply because life has different meanings for every individual. The most we can really do is provide insight into how we “understand” life to help you better understand yours.

    I say “understand” in quotations there because of how, for pretty much everyone it isn’t much of an understanding as much as an educated guess, or what we want to believe. Maybe this is a good thing – having life be a mystery that we chase after throughout our journey, coming up with different hypotheses as to what it means, but also taking in the moments that make it into what it is.

    As for how to overcome the things that are so entangled with your core self… that’s also a variable, but I find that changing your perspective on that thing makes it easier. I spent years in the ditch because I had lost my best friend to COVID-19, but that’s because I was looking from a place of fear, anger, dread. Once I shifted my place, I saw what she left behind and helped make myself better with it.

    Maybe all it will take is a perspective shift for you to see what wonders come out of your life, you know? I can see that you’ve been starting to see things differently since you began recovering, and reaching out to a community is super helpful with that.


    • What you said speaks to me a lot. I have to remind myself frequently that there is something larger than me going on, not like a spiritual thing or God thing even, but very simply everything being a part of a larger puzzle, and I think a lot of the time.. I rush the answer, which confuses the question. I appreciate your advice. It gave me some peace to know that I am not crazy for wondering about this, and that I am not just spinning in circles, or walking back and forth, but at the very least making some headway in some small way.. to figure things out…

      At least if nothing else, I am thinking about things for the first time in my adult life, instead of drinking/using about them..


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