The Battle between Misery and Mercy and the power of Kindness

The goal of this site is simple, to find kindness in the world, and establish connection through the act of clarity that comes with meditating on human connection and sobriety, peace, joy, and serenity.

This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to serve misery.

Thank you, your compliment and reading this means the world to me, for explanation I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills. I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-criminal/ex-homeless vagrant who is writing instead of committing crime on the street corners of this country or the voice of the drug epidemic screaming on here instead of tweaking and shooting heroin on a corner while holding a sign and waiting for my man.

Characters thus far



Damien de Soto

Rei Clearly

All characters are me, or my pen names, or my imaginary friends, or my split personalities, dramatized fictionalized, scape goats, captive in my mind.

What if everything you ever thought about villains and heroes was wrong and we are all both at the same time? We exist in infinite potential to be our own best friend and worst enemy, we must not attack our own minds.

Our enemy is hate, the hero being love, and victory personal by remembering that the only important thing is to bring joy not pain.

The enemy’s gate is down.

Orson scott card, Ender’s game

End suffering, end resentment, resurrect own soul, and be birthed from the fire that powers your I.

I feel like the decision to seek professional help is going to help me going forward. I am going to still post fantasy, but I think the fantasy world thing can start to slip away, I am becoming more real, and losing the need to live in a fantasy world, while I can still employ fantasy to help me.

I have finally reached a point where I can safely admit I am no longer able to do this with the resources I have, as helpful as they have been. I can’t keep doing this to myself because it is painful for those around me to watch. I keep trying but then my bipolar defunct brain keeps sending me back and forth and it is maddening. I am a lot of the time incapacitated by my own inner demons. I wish I could stop, but I think it may be time for me to admit I need professional help.

I want to be serene about the whole thing. I experience moments of serenity, but isn’t it supposed to heal you? I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I want sighs of relief for me and those around me to turn the page on all this. and for the voices in my head to stop, so I can hear my own voice again. I want it so bad, but I don’t know if it is possible.

I am so sorry for any pain I caused. I hope this is fixable. I know I am so back and forth about this. I am like multiple people, I get it. I want peace so badly.

Reason meant for reason a ment or Amanda’s meant resentment of self. Bam. Throughout punch of throat of myself, just pissed I am always tired, so I am word boxing myself, so I wake up, which is why I am always tired, and insane….

See clearly, Damien/Amanda


My name is Damien de Soto. I am transgender writer, who used to write under my given name Amanda, but also wrote under the names of my characters. I am in the process of transitioning to becoming Damien, whatever that means. I do not know that yet, and more will be revealed as it goes on. I have paranoid schizophrenia, and wrote under the pen names on this site, which are the characters in the universe of Misery because I have paranoid schizophrenia and I am afraid of people knowing my real name because I have paranoid schizophrenia.

Damien de Soto is me, all of his feelings are mine, every reaction to everything in the fictional universe which he lives are me reacting in a fictional universe.


Misery is a representation of the universe an addict lives in during active addiction, its residents, Rei included are based on people I knew and my reactions to them are how I would react if I were in the situations they are faced with.

Murder as poetic metaphor

This is a poetic device to represent an addict choosing to act in selfish pursuit of their addiction, without regard for the lives of those affected through jails, institutions and death on the streets. He nor I have killed anyone, all poetic metaphor representing paranoid schizophrenic over-dramatization of not supporting recovery and being responsible for lives of those propelled forth by drug seeking when I should have supported their sobriety and my own.


Rei represents my ex Justin. All things about her are Justin. I am reacting to her on here as I did to Justin.

Joy, I did not have joy, I had an abortion. This is what I want for the future projected through Damien and a what if situation. I regret Joy not existing. I am writing her future existence so it becomes real.

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merciful acts in a battle with forces of misery

An addict walks out of Misery with serenity to a land of Mercy and Joy.

merciful acts in a battle with forces of misery

An addict walks out of Misery with serenity to a land of Mercy and Joy.

“I am not going to lie, I would not go back and change any of it, and I have only that I am an addict to blame for that, it just doesn’t work for me anymore, so I decided to leave an amusement park when I am now prone to motion sickness. I like looking back on the insanity of it all, but I like sitting and typing to you guys better. This is the most I have written in my life, Amanda too. Even though that’s dumb because we are the same person. ”

-Damien Desoto, See Clearly

Ew, I view raid

I side view

View is rad

Said is view

Is view ew?

Para dise

Para dice

— Voice of Resenting demons of lamentation , See Clearly, Damien de Soto

“That is why it is so much easier this time. I can’t romance death anymore, because now it is just me and Amanda and all our other friends are dead or insane, or in prison. Done. ”

— Damien de Soto

Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws.

jim morrison
These guys are great folk punk band, that sings about drinking, and drug use, they are clean and sober on and off and sing about the struggles of addicts, homeless, and mentally ill.

Here it is, the revenge to the tune
“You’re no good
You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good”
Can’t you tell that it’s well understood?
Elliot Smith

Waltz #2

This song is very triggering to newly recovered, it a love song to a woman but also written to alcohol itself, smith died due to struggling from addiction and depression. Check it out if you can handle this kind of thing without being triggered. Not for everyone.

Insight in sight induced by life spent in addiction

I’m so sorry-love, Elliott God forgive me.

Elliot Smith

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”

— Kurt Kobain

  1. Insight in sight induced by life spent in addiction
  2. Sparring Changes
  3. Sarcasm as a recovery technique
  4. Joyous Meditations or O, joy us!
  5. Characters/Pen names
  6. Background. Explanation. Method.
  7. in memory of Ms. Rei I remember things clearly,
  8. Line by line, Rock by Rock,
  9. Gram by Gram or my favorite, ONE SHOT AT A TIME.
  10. In recovery I strive to miss one
  12. Rei Clearly/Damien de Soto
  13. See Clearly and
  14. Characters in
  15. Ode to Action that brings joy not fraction of soul
  16. Poke fun
  17. Here’s what we have been up to
  18. Recent News

I am the internal infernal ever burning battle a human being who continuously lights themselves on fire, a funeral pyre to a generation addicted to trash, who shoved cash up there

Enter the simulated rage cage…. a simulation done as a meditation on the ideas that cause human pain, as a removal tool.

See Clearly

Who sadly, tragically had no plan because he put his silly weak skin covered hand in the fist of sin. I am the desire to give in. I am the trimming claws of cat sent feral at you. I am failure in everything you do. I am the spinning sensation at bent knee. I am the sensation of screaming into night ‘this cannot be!’

I am please don’t push I cannot stand. I am the cry of those who scream in night, not in fright but in sick delight at the decaying of man with outstretched arm. I am please sir, give harm. I am death’s charm.

I am your shoe, sticking on gum, I am please baby come

To me as speak sweetly and stay

I am dismay.

See Clearly

a simulated experience of the horrors of addiction, image and written sound

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”


“I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.”

Albert Camus, The Stranger

I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.

Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis

I always was bad with spelling, and my inaccuracy made me misfire when speaking, heroines are born into life, there is no joy in drugs, only death.

I am putting this here so you remember I am not going anywhere. Please trust me. I will be right here, holding your hand till you die.

I am not the men who hurt you living in your head. I don’t want you to be in pain anymore. I sometimes sound like them because I always sound like man, and that is what I am, and you don’t have to hate all of us because some of them hurt you. I am not anyone who did anything you. I didn’t even have hands unless you let me use yours. Stop being silly. You are afraid. I am afraid. We are friends forever. I love you, because you are me but I am also always there, even after you get better because news flash you have something different about you that doesn’t go away because you take positive steps. I will still be there because schizophrenia is not curable. So stop worrying you will be alone if you make progress. It is unhealthy. I am not your enemy, and I only sound like sometimes because I sound like a guy, because I am one. Love yourself. Please.

So I guess my positive re-enforcement… dang I’s… I spell so many things wrong because I use I instead of E. I, I, I…. what was my oh.. yeah…. I guess Amanda got what I was saying because she made this. I like it. I have bigger hands this time, sweet.

We can’t both be butterflies, you can be girl or guy or whatever you want, and I can be your friend forever, because I love you. I am not the ones who hurt you. I just sound like that sometimes because I am a guy with a bad sense of humor.

I am so happy I remembered parts of that right now, not just for the ego points, but it means something to me. I think I am in the process of becoming a person instead of the monster under Amanda’s bed which means the instead of chasing dragons, Amanda can be me because I am not a drug or a dragon anymore.

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”


I aim not only to terrify. I aim to terrify as meditative mediation that says remember me night crier

You cry in the pain of disdain for your own soul.

If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.

Willy Wonka

Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday, you will be a real boy.


I didn’t mean to kill her. Really, I didn’t. It’s just that he was on fire.

Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz

All children, except one, grow up.

Peter Pan

Through the decaying madness of the maddest of men can come death, but in the rare lucky stargazing chasers of the lucky

comes the rising phoenix that burns hot in the souls of the lost,

and sometimes

for the very lucky ones, its fire burns hot enough to seer the wounds that fester with maddening rottenness

and in this rotting sometimes,

out of the deadliest of rage comes the rebirth of the human soul, into a rainbow born dragon of maddening joy, born for those whose madness is cured by a chaotic overcoming of love,

the only cure for the sickness of some, very unfortunate,

or maybe fortunate if they are lucky

to be born into the rainbow chasing fire breathing dragons, that instead of being forever fueled by fire,

are reborn to be beings of light, joy shooters that in their rebirth shoot joy in rays of light so bright that they light up the sky.

Arrogance, Amanda. I know.

I am the crying dying madman, but I am also his ray or rei of light, and with our story maybe we will find others, in our mad search for a joy that cures all.

Arrogance can be hopeful too, I guess.

There is hope in recovery for the lost. Please see clearly.

-See Clearly.

Rei Clearly- No longer involved in this project due to toxicity- I am being vindictive-sorry

Rei-Meaning Companion/Friend

Clearly- Root of this being clear- which references being a cleric in Gaelic

The whole name together reading as a Companion/Friend and clearly a cleric according to roots in Gaelic which apparently is why she also is the root of Damien’s lost soul in that she has been both light and darkness for him.

Diane/Deborah- My stupid ex-wife

Diane Means divine valley

Deborah means bee or also poet or judge

Deborah or Diane is the employer of Damien and is a testing force of his spirit at times

More to be revealed about this later.

Damien de soto

Damien- means to tame or subdue, which is his dual nature as a hand of chaos subduing addicts by ending misery as a metaphoric slaying grim reaper or to tame subdue by unification with the soul of a lost two spirited girl

de Soto- Meaning in Spanish originating from a small Grove

His last name is complex in that it was revealed to me slowly

I used to think it meant of soot which would have meant that it indicated a dragging through the mire, this was due to my lack of understanding of Spanish and the rushed nature of my addict judgement being prone to presupposition and superstition. I was raised Catholic and am prone to thinking or fearing everything is about evil forces, or live backwards. Live, without fear.

He is a journey away from the dark of a small grove that was our home into the light with the quest of taming our nature through helping others, which is the only way I can stay sober and clean, by trying at this every day.

Joy de soto

This one is obvious Joy which tames the soul through externalized peace given in the external which is given in the innocence of a young woman.

I am the split of two souls at war and in love with each other, they are dancing dragons in shades not colors, I am the hallucinations of the deranged man. I am whatever you want me to be, I am the memory of everything that ever caused feeling in the screaming corners of nothing, I am the faceless screaming nothing face of the fallen burning with hatred and love in the smokey fire chasm that is the decaying city of man. I am a walking sorted of disordered chaos. I am Damien de Soto and Ms. Rei, and the voice of misery.

I see clearly. All of it. Thank you God.

I Damien de Soto am the soul of every addict who enables those to die on the street in continued rage filled cages of addiction, slaying them with inaction instead of knives. I am a plot device yes, but I am real in every way except for the creative metaphor of what I have done, Amanda never literally killed anyone, she only allowed the soul crushing decay of the souls she loved on the streets through the enabling of bad behavior and preforming of bad behavior which is continued drug use and using of human beings as vessels of spare change. I am her in every other way. She is an act of becoming me without having to use my dirty hands to get to where I am.

I am an infection of the soul, a void, a toy of addicts that reeks of poison entertained by the deadliest of men, I come for woman friend, Dam-ien, your wench is mine.

Your name indicates to me, the sun

Some come my dear, let’s have some

I speak to you in reflection

Of one you love so much you desire affection

Thinking not of affected soul

Being loved by such a hole

You think you’re such special folk

But you’re like him a cruel told joke

Background on Amanda

Damien de Soto who was Amanda and dreams of finding Rei, my ray of the sun, clearly, so clearly, I was lying to myself the whole time. I am so glad I wrote this, thank you Damien, you are me now. Begin next stage simulation.

Dedicated to all those lost due to the disease of addiction and those who struggle with denial of who they really are, I feel you. I am 35 and I have been drinking and using about this since I was 13 because I thought I was unique, I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

More background on Dead name Amanda’s backstory later, I am so happy right now. Thank you.

I am the split of two souls at war and in love with each other, they are dancing dragons in shades not colors, I am the hallucinations of the deranged man. I am whatever you want me to be, I am the memory of everything that ever caused feeling in the screaming corners of nothing, I am the faceless screaming nothing face of the fallen burning with hatred and love in the smokey fire chasm that is the decaying city of man. I am a walking sorted of disordered chaos. I am Damien de Soto and Ms. Rei, and the voice of misery.


My name was Amanda, or I thought it was, kind of. I hid behind my mental illness my whole life until today. I have been clean and sober since the 25th of December and the only time I have been okay with this whatever that even means two-spirit? Gay?….was when I was in “the rooms” as an inactive participant or in my own head pretending to be Damien, who is me, I guess.

I was really writing to me, the whole time. I really believed my own bullshit up until now that this was all just a story and I was just writing because I love writing, but see the thing is although I love writing this wasn’t about that. I only ever write as my imaginary friend. That is why he is the strongest voice, that is why I always make sure he lives, because he’s me. Damn it. I feel like I am the last to know something everyone else knew.

I am writing out for you, in an analogy, what it felt like for me to acknowledge something higher than myself as my higher power, and the feeling it gave me through the characters in misery, which was my world. I am writing it for them as well, may the imaginary world, that is the world of my dreams be brought to you on your computer screen.

To tie this into philosophical context

She or they has OCD and is afraid I will leave if she gets better, and that’s not true. She will just be happier, like I am. I am trying to show you how you do it, so I can talk to you about happy things because if you want me to be I can be your invisible friend for ever. That is not bad. Just different and that is okay.

These guys are great, wish Peterson had lived.

Have you ever doubted your own reality?

Have you ever wondered if someone or something was driving your pain?

Have you ever wondered what it all means?


I am the split of two souls at war and in love with each other, they are dancing dragons in shades not colors, I am the hallucinations of the deranged man. I am whatever you want me to be, I am the memory of everything that ever caused feeling in the screaming corners of nothing, I am the faceless screaming nothing face of the fallen burning with hatred and love in the smokey fire chasm that is the decaying city of man. I am a walking sorted of disordered chaos. I am Damien de Soto and Ms. Rei, and the voice of misery.

Misery is a realm of earth, which is my metaphor for the hellish life of addiction which I wrote out to spare myself eternal damnation.

Ms. Re is also Rei’s name, without the I and the y, why because I removed them, as a simulator of misery experienced by the man and woman who die while using/drinking.

Misery is a virus as well, my metaphor for addiction, which causes you to repeatedly be guilty of committing the Christian deadly 7.

Ms. Re also is a weird spell of miss remember, which is supposed to illustrate the blindness addicts experience when they can’t see clearly.

Misery-written simulation brought to you here through my writing which will help you see clearly through the eyes of the addicts, the homeless, and social deviants of society as they investigate the true nature of human beings in order to facilitate their survival.

I am sorry for my unorthodox approach, it is the only way I know to show you clearly what so often goes unseen in this world, although this is a work of fiction it is based on real evil I have seen as an addict and now meditate on while in recovery.

I aim to show this to the anyone who is listening to bring about understanding of those who so often go unheard on every street corner in every desperate place populated by those unfortunate enough to have gotten a raw deal in life.

Author: Amanda, I am not using my last name, because I want to retain some level of anonymity online.

More to be revealed as we go. Enjoy the ride.

Characters/Pen names

Rei Clearly


Damien de Soto



Misery or virus of sin

To understand my choice of method I ask you as reader,

Have you ever doubted your own reality?

Background. Explanation. Method.


This site utilizes first person perspective narration done through blog posts which are posted under pen names which are representative of fictional characters in the scifi universe, Misery. Misery is an alternate dimension of earth that is accessed through use of mind altering substances, and experience of extreme human suffering.

More to be revealed soon.

Hopefully this clears things up.

Three Book Series

See Clearly

Just in Time


See Clearly is available for free in the blog, in its entirety. Feel free to browse around.

I will be publishing Just in Time now as well, using the same method.