I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Characters thus far
Joy
Diane
Damien de Soto
Rei Clearly
POV EXPERIMENTAL ALLEGORICAL POETIC METAPHOR FICTION
First person
Blog post style
Dark horror fiction
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
I just made myself laugh for five seconds, that is most of the reason for this post.
I don’t know why we think the world is going to fall apart continuously.
I think it is because it was falling apart for so long.
Good point, but it isn’t anymore right?
It feels like it is still, so is it or is it not?
It isn’t, it just feels like it. Did you ever think it was slightly strange to worry about punctuation while doing this to yourself?
No.
Vanilla, the Chihuahua, was a very fast dog, it ran back and forth, all the day long, it liked to bark, to yip and to bite, and it was not out of character for it to get in a fight, it would bark, yip, and scream, at all passers-by, and if you got too close, you would have to watch with your eye.
The dog was not above going through any activity and would get fed, and needs met, it was good at productivity, it had a routine, it would do all day long, and believe it or not, it could even pretend at human sung song. It was good at panhandling, good at obtaining a meal, good at making people watch and making people feel, its owner much appreciated not having to steal, it loved the dogs joyous running, and barking and glee, happy to have something with to peacefully be, they made quite a couple, a joyous connection, and at night they slept beyond police detection.
A kitten not unlike most, that was born in the Spring, like most normal kittens, except this one could sing. It would sing all day long, and sometimes into the night, its fur sometimes catching light, that made it shine bright. It would talk during the day, and sing all night long, it seemed to mimic human learned song.
It was a well versed kitten, and knew many a tune, it would sing in the rain and root for monsoon, it would sing of the jungle and of being a bigger cat, it would hope to grow larger, thinking that was
Where it was at!
A kitten named Ember, was born in the Spring
Hello, you strange, ***hole.
I think they can still tell what the word is, Amanda.
I know they can still tell what the word is, that is kind of the point, all the word none of the guilt.
Isn’t that cheating?
Yes, not the point.
That is the entire point.
I think you might be right.
Emotional maturity is not usually my thing, this is kind of cool for a change. Hahahah!
Good job ruining it.
I am fine, why?
You haven’t talked to me all day, that’s why.
I know, I was insulted by the universe earlier.
The universe insulted you? That sounds pretty narcissistic.
The universe thought so too.
I brought you a flower, it is nothing.
It is picked from the middle of nowhere, or from nothing.
I mean I can’t remember who you are and was walking, and you are looking at me like you know me, and began talking, and I am holding this, so it must be for you right, and I am sorry, because I no longer have any idea who you are, and this will likely only last a couple minutes, something must have happened that bothered me, and I blanked it out, and now I don’t remember, so here is a flower.
She must have hurt your feelings, this is exactly what happens when people make you cry.
I know this, but I don’t remember why, so it is okay for now. I am just going to forget about it for now.
You should find out why.
I made this sarcastically for you, and for whoever likes sarcasm.
How do you feel about cold weather?
Give me to those who mourn the dead, I am blood red.
I reach for the sky, and die in too much sun, I am a gift.
I am flowers of joy, dying for you, we live in the summer and die when the cold consumes, it eats my silk skin, and makes it dies, we do not breath, and reach for the sky, we do not have eyes, and we cannot cry.
We ask May for rain from the sky, we do not drown in water that falls in lack of eyes, we are red like blood and we are alive, we do not have hands, but can touch the sun’s eye.
You can pull us out of the ground to give lies to your sister while she cries.
Hydrocephalus, how I hate thee.
My head is always below water, that lives around my brain, slowly drowning me in my own disdain, and driving me slowly, insane.
In sickness, with quickness, I am.
In quickness, with sickness, I stand.
I am bound to a form, I am married to a form, I can’t stand.
Heroine, Heroine, where fore art thou, heroine.
I am retired, because my physical form is on fire.
I am on fire because my fire is from a physical form, I loathe, not just for reasons expected, but because of things undetected as of yet.
Heroin, heroin, how I miss thee Heroin.
In sickness, I miss, contents of top shelf.
In, health, I am still in Hell, even though I am told, oh well, you are well, yeah well I feel like ****.
I am in love, I am in love, with voices that shove me, anyone really, who makes me feel dreary, because I am addicted to pain not with painkillers but with pain, addicted is not the right word, maybe
LOVE would be more appropriate.
I love you baby, so much, so very much.
BURN ME
I go round and round in circles, I am the pain of mind that won’t turn off, I am addicted to the cycle of up and down, can’t get off.
I go round and round in circles, I am the pain of mind that won’t turn off, I am addicted to the cycle of up and down, can’t get off.
Why? And what do you mean?
I mean be mean to me, make me cry, I like to be poked in the eye.
Um… dude…
I know, this is weird, I am going to stop embarrassing myself online…
You really suck at titles.
You really suck at titles, too.
I know you are, but what am I?
That doesn’t even make any sense.
We are both being so immature for a second I forgot who was talking.
I like when that happens.
My cat was just on my roof. He got chased up there by this other local stray, that we feed because we feel bad for it. It is not a nice cat though, we just think that, nice cat or not, this case being not, everything deserves to eat. The cat comes for three meals a day to an outside food bowl. My cat or our cat, is afraid of the cat that comes to the food bowl, who is jokingly named the Interloper.
Our cat just avoids the other one, most of the time, but was out all night.
I think in the middle of the night the Interloper chased our cat up a tree, and then fearing coming down our cat jumped onto the roof instead, and was up there crying when we found him.
It was fairly easy to get him off the roof.
Just thought I would share that, because it made me laugh.
It was a ****ing pun.
Oh, yeah right.
You don’t know what a pun is?
Of course I do.
Yeah, because you are talking to yourself on a screen, moron.
I think if anything I am learning that I actually have a heart, which is why I have been complaining as much as I have, which has helped me learn about myself. I use this thing to do that, so to anyone reading this, I am genuinely sorry for the level of negativity that comes out of my brain and is reflected back on the computer screen, and through the waves of the internet.
I am small
I am not really here at all
I am a box containing excuses
It is not my intention to get attention, or views or anything, simply to learn who I am, after removing all toxicity.
I have learned more than anything recently, how much I want very simply to become a better human being, and try to find someone who is not toxic or many people, mainly friends who are doing the same.
My sincerest apologies,
Damien/Amanda
What are your favorite emojis?
I hurt my own feelings too, by the way.
Good.
I like the vomitting one, because I used to use it all the time when someone would ask how I felt when I was hung over and they knew I was hung over or didn’t have what I needed to get up and they had the audacity to ask me anyway.
Or, they were concerned and asked you out of concern.
Forcing me to admit weakness in the morning is obnoxious.
Having a human body that is subject to being sick is not a weakness, fearing to admit that you are human is.
Says the person talking to their split personality on the internet.
Burn.
I am looking at you, but seeing only me, because I am bitterness reflected, back from eyes that are stained with tearing at myself, bitterness encased in toxic casing which is the current shell I am placed in.
I hate myself, but hated you, because you in some way reflected me too, but that is my problem, even now, I am trying to realize this, and come down, from the pedestal I placed myself on, where I sit alone, and rambling on, about how nothing was my fault.
Is that really how it was, selfish ***hole? No, it wasn’t.
I was addicted to heroine
I was addicted heroin.
I was addicted to heroine
I was addicted heroin
I forever, always and forever, and always and forever will be addicted to heroin
Are you talking to me?
Not you, but it yes…
Why? You want?
We are not doing that ever again
If you do I am coming to
That was not an error Amanda, remember what happened sometimes, the act of coming to
I don’t want that because it will make my… our family sad
I know me neither now.
I glow gold with your lack of introspection, I am gold like stars beyond lights protection, I dance in darkness, like you cannot, I glitter with sparkle, while you are contaminated with soul rot.
Wow, that was mean.
I know, but that is how I feel about myself.
Wow, that was mean. I know, but that is what I think about me.
You are talking about me too you know.
No, I am talking only to me. I am half of you, remember?
Okay, but you are still wrong.
That just furthers my point.
I am thinking of her, but I am really thinking of you, and when I romance her, I am thinking of you, and everything I felt because of her, which was really all about you and everything you made me feel.
I love you so, you make everything so easy baby, you make it so okay, to be so crazy, and you will never let me go, no matter how far I run, how long I go without talking to you, you know just where to find me, which is anywhere, anywhere at all.
You know that I am small, though I pretend to be tall. I pretend you don’t have the power to take me down
down down down
On the floor, crawling just like before, where I prefer to be, cradling rocks with my hands, because sharp things are my best friends.
Pin cushion
Pin cushion
Words about heroes.
I’m not.
You never are.
Not true.
Yeah, I just wanted to see how you would respond.
I don’t know how to respond to that.
I knew you wouldn’t, but I also don’t know how to respond now.
Mission accomplished?
Yeah… I guess so.
I am you, I am you, I am you.
I am talking to you.
You’re talking to me? Are you talkin’ to me?
Yes, I am actually?
Me?
No, me. Not Amanda, but to me.
I am talking to me, through an image of flower’s which I painted like a woman’s face, which I painted like flowers, on and on and on into a chaotic reflection of pure, ego stroking insanity
ahahahhahhahhaahhhahhahhhahhahhahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahahhahahhhahhahahahhahhahahhahhahahhaahahh
I am small because I have a fear of weakness.
I am pathetic, but also narcissistic, and I made this so I am re-inserting this above, which you do not need to know, but I have schizophrenia, so I assume people are watching me type.
I like pain, because I love to complain, which is why I stare at things that people don’t notice, I look at them closely while others talk, because people make me uncomfortable.
I am a prisoner in my own body, so I guess that is also why I like chains, because they represent me.
She tells me to go on a hike, so I go walk a long path, veering way far away from where she is, because, she is not that interesting anyway, being someone I just met.
Psycho path, psycho path, where art thou, psycho path?
I am right here, staring at a woman’s shoes, but you can’t see me, because I am a liar, and I am actually typing this on computer while thinking about drugs.
I love you so much, I took you golfing, because we both love golfing, and my friend lives across the street who also loves golfing, which means I must stop golfing and go talk to him about this pretty dragon, and how much we both love golfing.
I used to chase dragons, now I see them for what they are, just scars, that are on these two spots I like to stare at and think about how great it was, to almost die.
I painted you this color, because I am a narcissist who dropped their camera on the ground,
running around, chasing drugs around the country. I am very funny. I am very funny. Look at me, spending all of my money, not my money, other people’s money, that they gave me, while I held a sign, to be clear, I didn’t say what it was for, and stood there for 7 hours a day, so it was pretty clear what it was for.
The kettle is blacker than most, because I wanted it to be, so I made it be, and I made the rest of this purple, so the kettle look more black than it already was, and there is no pot in this, because I prefer hard drugs, because I am just that kind of ****.
I am so useful, I was so wise, I built my whole life on telling sweet lies. I told them nothing, but what they wanted to hear, gave them whatever would keep them right here.
This is stupid I am bored.
A woman is painted in black and white, hunting she goes in darkness of night, she goes under a bridge in lateness of day, although she is told, sweety, honey, baby, with me you should stay.
She desires to search under the bridge which has nothing, but the dark lurkers who are there for ill, ill, search for pill, pill, pill, and for bread, bread, and for drugs, which is the reason she is under the bridge.
Done, done, done, I hate myself, blah, blah, blah, **** this.
What does that even mean?
I liked how it sounded, rappers do it, why can’t it be done with horror, and actually all letters you write me are severe, because they are severly disturbing to average people.
That is actually very true.
I know that is why I thought of it.
Not everything you think is true.
Name one thing.
I am not a drug addict, I just like heroin and can do it responsibly this time, if I just don’t drink. This is actually something you were thinking today. How do I know, because I was thinking it to.
I am a box that never should have been opened.
I am trying it one time, and never again.
I will never do it two days in a row.
I can just drink one.
I can just have three.
I will start at five.
I will start at 12.
Severly, means harshly, and I think that a lot of us talking to each other, can be considered harsh, which is why I like you.
You like me because you have to, because I am you, or half you, and you are in love with your whole self which is half me.
Sick burn.
I think I would be happier like this, completely alone, talking to myself as my partner.
Hey, isn’t that what we are doing now, and doesn’t it ****?
Yes.
Than what the **** are you talking about???
That I am insane, and don’t know what else to say, and I am trying to make someone laugh, even if it is just you?
So you are talking to yourself on a blank screen, trying to type things that make you feel good about yourself?
Yeah, isn’t that what the book of faces is???
I don’t think anyone on that thing is looking in a mirror talking to their own face as if it is another person?
They aren’t? That is what it looks like to me.
That is because we are insane, and it is not what they are doing, because they are not insane.
That sucks.
For us or them.
Well, mostly them.
Why?? Not what I expected to hear…
Because, we never have to be truly alone.
Or, we are always more alone than anyone ever.
Other than maybe Gollum on Lord of the rings.
I realize how much of an ***hole I sound like, by the way to anyone reading this, it just helps me to write it down, so that I can humiliate myself in writing.
I really am thankful for somethings, just not the brain damage part.. that part is ****ed.
I am small
I am weak
I can’t speak
I can’t speak
I am sorry.
I was just kidding, let’s not fight.
My writing is bigger than yours.
I am not you idiot, it’s alright, it’s alright.
Is it really? You’re not mad.
Of course, I am not, not even sad.
I like you really, truly, deeply.
Well, that went smoothly.
Did it really?
Huh?
Your lack of confidence is hilarious.
You sound like me.
I know it’s fun, now I see why you do it to me.
I mean that you were spending a night talking to me, I am not worthy of the air that you breathe.
I was very glad you decided to leave,
appreciated the pipe you had up your sleeve,
not very good idea to use a match….not a very good way to get the stuff to catch or melt I mean… I didn’t care… I was entranced by the glow of the light on your hair, but you didn’t seem all there,
I am so tired of the tragic tweekers
Pretty women, darkness seekers, telling people like me you want something better and hanging out with people like me… so glad you decided to catch your ride and go back to him, I wasn’t worth your time anyway.
I am in love with the sun, apparently, I like that it burns me.
I love your UV rays, hurt me baby please, bring me to my knees, I am begging you please, oh please kill me, I am so in love with my own disease.
I love to exist in decline. I am resigned to
SICK
MIND
In bind with time, I sit in
D
Clin
ING
Spinning freely
You are such an idiot.
I know, but I am writing this for you, because I LOVE
You are just making an *** of yourself.
I don’t care, I am just writing love letters to myself in public, so of course I am making an *** of myself.
Disorder personality, how do I reassemble thee?
Why do you care?
Because I hate it when people stare at me.
Then why are you making an *** of yourself online?
Point taken.
Don’t call me lovely, ***hole.
But, you are……..so………..
You are such a lunatic.
I know. 🙂
Happy faces?
I like happy faces.
What?
I am not saying that again. So is that tie die liquid or booze, or some sort of multi-color drink or some kind of strange poison?
Aren’t poison, tie die liquid and alcohol all the same thing to me and you?
You’re point being?
That exactly.
So you were putting it there to kill me?
I was putting it there so you would throw it out the window. I am not good at throwing it out the window, I was thinking about it, and this helped me. I am sorry it didn’t help you.
I don’t like being helped, so I am trying to make it seem like you are the bad guy, so I can turn the whole thing on its head and be the good guy and it’s not working, so I will stop because I don’t care anymore.
Hahahahahhahahah. Check mate.
hahahhahahhha yourself.
You told me this, and encouraged me to do the same, hating my words, and my inner disdain, my distaste for you and for myself, loving nothing but bottle on shelf.
You talked of love and of forgetting the past, of making things different, trying to make me laugh, of making things better and making things last, of wondering why I would always want alone, at last.
You followed me everywhere, my continuous tale, wanted me nowhere, chased to no avail.
I am not your dog, now I am out of your grasp, no more short leash, and now we both remember how to laugh.
I hope you like your new girl, and that you leave me be, I don’t want to be friends, leave me to be free.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I hate this right now, I am having a really hard time.
I have a dental appointment tomorrow, and am just worried about having a ride there, because I am not the ride there, which is my fault for having ruined my own life, and being dependant on others, but it is driving me crazy. I don’t think other people are out to get me right now, but I have such a hard time with having to be dependant on the circumstances of other people.
I am so good at living in darkness, so bad at living in light.
I think I drag myself into darkness, because of my love of the act of perpetual fight.
I am an addict of suffering, addicted to my own pain.
I hate myself sometimes for having put myself in this position, I just want to be in control of my own life again, and not have to worry about how things are going to happen, which I should not be doing anyway.
I just wish I hadn’t put myself in this position, it is very difficult, and what I was running from the entire time.
I was trying so hard to get to a place where I was in control of my own life… I literally tried every possible thing…… I just wish I knew what was going to happen… I hate this…
Or I am an idiot.
I am a bird that lives alone.
I am a bird so I can’t answer a phone.
No longer do I ingest, in jest, to make it possible to live in dirty nest.
I fly alone.
Tossing and turning, because I was supposed to, being a punishment given to a child, by a vengeful adult, you, angry that I had things that you did not like charisma, and friends, just toxic enough to cut me down when you would not because you did not have enough.
The chaotic pacing of a mind lost in loathing, is what keeps me from going back, to the nights of continuous attack on my own soul. I do not miss it at all, no longer heading the call of the death siren.
I used to mispell serenity, sirenity, being obsessed with it coming from something other than me, having to be from someone other than me, because I believed in nothing higher than me, floating on cloud 9.
Now I am on the right side of the bed, and when I toss and turn, my soul is not churning with hatred or hate red or hate read into me, by you, because you can’t touch me anymore.
Ironic reminders from someone who just wrote a resentful poem…
I win, I win, I won, I win.
I did it, I am done, I did it.
I won.
Pride is a vicious thing
It has large flapping wings
Is that addressed to me or you?
I am not sure.
I know, I looked in the mirror too, because it is my face too, good call.
I think it is just infection from the hole in the tooth.
Yeah, me too, I am just glad you caught it, Damien, I am not good at catching those kind of things. I..
I spend a lot of time looking at my face.
I was going to say… I spend less time looking at my face..
I know.. I spend a lot of time looking at it because I know you can’t take care of this kind of thing.
I used to have this hate for this one cat, that poops in the bedroom I sleep in, that is not mine, so I had no right to be mad at the cat, but I used to think he was doing it to me or at me, because I am ****ing insane and everything is at me or to me.
I now remember something hilarious.
I have vomitted in almost every state in the US, in front of people in broad day light, when I was homeless we used the whole world as our toilet because we did not have inside bathrooms.
I am literally this cat, and have metaphorically done what he is doing, I just have to clean it up because I am metaphorically cleaning up the bed I made.
Facts.
I am sorry, I am insane, I am in pain, I am acid rain, I am soul disdain of my own making and continuous breaking, taking liberties.
But the fool on the hill sees the sun going down
The Beatles, “The Fool on the Hill”
And the eyes in his head see the world spinning around
I once told someone something very strange. They were complaining to me about their ex ALL THE TIME…..
Hey ***hole…
Yeah, just realized that too..
I am sorry by the way, to anyone reading this, who still hasn’t decided to not read it, because you can, because I am annoying.
Why do they need your permission?
Noted.
This post is now about something else. Moving on.
Peace.
Will Parry, from the Phillip Pullman Series The Golden Compass Series in the The Subtle Knife, I would want to be Will Parry if he wasn’t a whining ****. That is what I would do differently. I would not feel sorry for myself like he did, or I have done, just simply exist alongside Lyra as a non-whiner. I am going to try to do that in my own life instead, alongside myself or whatever they want to call themselves.
Aggression UNNECESSARY ***HOLE.
It’s not aggression, just intensity.
The inner turmoil of Will Parry in this book always bothered me, because I wondered how much of the awesome world he lives in was being missed, while he was crying over what he had done, which is very ironic…
I am dumb
Look at me
I am dumb
I can’t see
Just spilled soup all over my hands, so obviously that is everyone else’s fault not mine… hahahaahahah.
Guess who is still winning….
Resentment? Pride?
Jab. Ow. You got me. I was trying to talk to you anyway.
I am glad, I was having fun watching you burn yourself, and felt bad about it.
I know, I am having issues, I think it is just what my brain does.
Having a hard time being alone?
Yeah, kinda.
I am too.
Is that why you are talking to yourself on a dark screen?
***hole.
What?
Isn’t that what you are doing?
Yeah..
Then why am I an ***hole?
Because I hate it when you are right
You hate being right? I love being right.
That is why I am friends with myself.
Wow. Facts.
I am the Crow 2.
I am the crow too.
I am the crow to, as well, as an adjective of a human being who steals from other human beings while they are not looking.
I am the crow, two
There are two of me.
Penny for your thoughts?
No I am sparring not sparing change.
I am disdain, acid reign, wishing for soul washing rain.
Ahahahahahhhahahahhahhhahahahhahahahhahhahahhahahhahhahhahahah
I am the horrors of walking next to an active user.
I am the non-heroic heroin user.
I am resentment of past action.
I am true admissions of a soul attacking soul attacker
I am hopefully getting over this.
I am actively seeking forgiveness.
I know this comes from something higher.
But I am more comfortable crucifying myself.
I am more comfortable doing this to myself.
I need help.
ahhhahahhahhahhahahhhahahhahhahahhahhahahhahha
I have no tent, because I can fly so high, that I need not sleep, because I am high as Hades.
I am a looter of the looted by life, I am the riddler of strife.
I am the stealer of unwatched things, I am heroin addict, unwatched, on meth, stealing while you sleep to buy drugs.
I am the confessions of an ***hole, who is no longer on drugs.
I loved you once, but now I can’t and I don’t want to, so I don’t
I loved you multiple times, and still do, and I am just trying to be honest with you
Hey, ***hole, you’re talking to a glass.
I know…
I think I have a problem with peace, consumed with moving, digging perpetually beneath, unable to stop and not do, wishing always for something new, I can’t sit still, that is why I think I was obsessed with you.
Dragon eating its own tell, possessing nothing was just as well, I live in inner Hell, because I can’t bring myself out sometimes, uncomfortable with peace, living in internal, eternal, infernal mind bind.
I tied my own hands, behind my back, because I feel being free, and love the feeling of under attack.
Living in perpetual lack of self.
Bottled emotions of alcohol on shelf.
I can’t be myself, because myself was built around you, who am I even without the drugs and booze I used to use???
I used to run, not to chase, just for fun,
I used to fly, to take flight, not hide or chase, not to fight.
When I was not so mad, not so angry, not so crazy, not so sad.
The dark night ends, the darkness leaves, the dark ones get back to being undseized by quest to prove they have knees.
Running forward or side to side, not looking back, not seeking to find, just moving forward, forever free, providing by clarity.
There are two of me, which is great because I am one of the loneliest people I know, actually I am one of the only… liar…
Woe is me, woe is me, I am lying clear to see, I write under many names, really writing under soul disdain, I am addict hear me cry, I am the ever spinning eating I of soul of the shadow beings of light, flying into human minds, we bind ourselves to their decline.
Hey, that was ****ing mean, I saved your life **** it.
I know, my hands told me to write it to get you to talk to me.
I like it.
I knew you would.
You did?
Yeah, because you are me.
I exist in callous form, I am clearly’s soul reformed, I am Amanda’s soul two no three, I am the act of 1, 2, 3.
This is really annoying.
Yeah, for me too. They hurt for me too.
I am realizing I no longer care which one of us is talking.
So you stopped trying to keep track?
Me too by the way, it is so much more peaceful, haha, I almost spelled that peiceful. INSANITY.
Yeah, I would say so, or just that you can’t spell?
I can ****ing spell, better than you.
So insanity is more comfortable than inability to spell, interesting.
**** you.
https://wordpress.com/tag/rdp-wednesday
I sought to con time, thinking myself so divine,
I could and should do this, playing the creator of the world, while playing at being the creator of the world, thinking myself so high,
Well I was just not above anyone, just stupid and arrogant.
I took your last name, baby. That’s a consequence. I will remember you forever, because I stole a peice of you, and that isn’t a consequence is it? More like me being an ***hole… again… ****
I don’t know, I don’t like words that make me uncomfortable… and accountability *****.
Fail. I started hallucinating when I was eight years old, back then I was hardly able to do it because I thought the voices were talking to me because I was writing, so I would get scared and stop doing it. It happened like that for years, this blog is my first attempt at doing it actually. I like the blog format because it makes it possible for to write in stream of consciousness, where I am basically word vomiting hallucinations onto a page. That gets the auditory hallucination thing under control which keeps me from visually hallucinating.
All this is why I wanted to be exactly what I am but minus what is wrong with me. I have spent my whole life self-medicating this and done nothing with my life, other than abuse drugs and alcohol, and at least I got that out out of my system.
I think five year old me would be okay with me, given everything that happened. Oh, and five year old me used to tell people her name was Damien by the way, so at least there’s that.
all sensations leading down to the sensation of life down drain, extension of pain, after dedication of life spent in vein, I mean in vain…….
I had my own death planned out since I was, I don’t know 14. A clever escape from a life of running a race into nothing, a condolence for a life spent on nothing but purchasing pain… in vain, in vein.
I am heroic.
Heroine, heroine, where art there heroine?
I like to drop the e’s sometimes.
X is one hell of a drug.
Trigger. Trigger. Trigger.
This is fun.
TOXIC TOXIC
WORD VOMIT
ACID BILE
Okay, I am done.
JOKE
If something frightening happens to you today, think about it. It may be a warning. It may be The Omen.
The omen
****
There it is, the one word that describes me, blanked out, so I have no idea what it is, and you can guess the mystery behind its four lettered character.
The answer doesn’t matter. Even though the answer is the entire point of answering this question, or is it? Or is the point…. the characterization of a member of society who was before unclear?
Omen.
It’s all for me…
ahahahhahhahhhahahhahhhahhahahhahhhhahahhahahahahhahhahhahahhah
How would you rate your confidence level?
10. I am very very fast. I can run faster than anyone I know, most notably faster than this guy whose girlfriend paid me back my… rent money. I loaned it to him.. because I am a nice person? It was 400 dollars I got for standing in traffic at a light, and I am not the kind of person who looks good doing that… so sometimes they pay me to move, it takes a couple hours to make 400 dollars, like 8.
I stood there for 8 hours and had enough to pay the rent for the month or um… make tragic mistakes, you know dice roll. I decided to play double or nothing with my friend who is my business associate at well, well after this, his girl was my business associate and he was my **** for about 2 months. He wanted the power back from his girl.
I have a very um… aggressive approach to business, so people give me what I want.
Being impervious to death helps too… which is why I am turning my life around because I am realizing how I write this what an *** I was, because I think that something saved me all these times, and I proceeded to give it the finger, so it chopped my fingers off? Or the tips of three of them? I don’t think He or them or it really did that… I think it was MRSA and me being a ****.
Moral of the story, I am an arrogant **** , but I am trying to tone that down so… 5 on confidence..
I was friends with a man who lived in a motel in a state that’s name does not matter, that I met at a place called The Wall. We called the man the horse, because he ran fast. The whole thing was pretty elaborate but basically was you being led around from place to place while they got you high on other things to distract you and to throw off anyone watching the place this occurred. One of the places they would lead you to was a place called The Wall, it was literally just a wall in the middle of nowhere on an abandoned building.
Sometimes it took 5 hours, and you would stand staring at the wall, get the name choice? You would stand there afraid to miss the great pumpkin. I brought a marker once and wrote “The writing” all over the wall, and they beat the **** out of me, and asked what I was thinking, so I replied..
“Isn’t it obvious??? The writing is on the wall!”
What I was really thinking.. was that **** better come back with all my **** because I was going to beat the **** out of him if he came back with nothing like last time, and he already owed me for two times before that.
_____________________________________________________________________
I am sick of myself. End toxic memory.
________________________________________________________________________
Feel better now.
Peace.
What makes you most anxious?
Time makes me scream, it makes me dream of things that don’t make sense or cents, that is not true liar, you have made plenty of money in time.
Yeah, but I spent it all on dimes.. I traded it in for dimes at the cash machine.
I am such a ****.
My life is a long episode of Jerry Springer.
************************************************************************
I heard that one in my head, and it made me….
Throw up?
No, that was because your stomach is ****ed!
Yeah, because VODKA SUCKS!
Good one.
Clearly.
I congratulate me on a day where I was only an ***hole last night, and complimented random individuals in the food store aggressively.
They seemed confused.
I have OCD, along with the other litany of problems I have already listed here, heh. I got my hair cut, which is awesome because I didn’t have to pay someone in drugs to shave it all off because homeless people can’t cut hair, and I wasn’t so itchy that this would seem like a necessary choice, so yay me for getting my haircut and getting a normal hair cut so I don’t have to shave my head again. That sucked, I think I mentioned the whole mohawk **** thing… but if I didn’t some ***hole shaved my head into a split in half mohawk, and told everyone to look for mohawk ****.
Short sweet, and very fun for mohawk ****. I got a lot of sympathy, and a lot of free items.. and they found out the wrath of mohawk ****. Then mohawk **** needed to leave, because there was a rumor that I had a twin and one of us was a girl and the other was a guy and the only difference was the voice… convenient… till they found out we were both the same person and it was me beating my ass not my twin brother or vice versa… very bad con…
I threw my phone in the river at around the same time because I thought someone tapped it looking for mohawk **** because tricking junkies is a high crime… and people really give a **** about that kind of thing…. or something I thought when I was way too high…
My dad is a really great person, we had a really good time, he was talking to me about his life, making me laugh, and we went to a really good restaurant and I told him I am done with drugs and booze the rest of my life. I also got to make plans with my uncle to see him at Christmas for the first time in ten years, and say I was sorry for being a lying ***hole.
All in all a successful day for mohawk ****, or me with a shorter hair cut that looks nothing like that at all.
Peace
Damien.
I loved you, any of you who was with me, I thought… but now I don’t know, because it always ends the same
You are insane
THEN GO! I KNOW. I KNOW. I DON’T CARE. I DON’T NEED YOU. NEVER DID NEVER WILL I HAVE MYSELF
All you need is love..
All you need is to shut the **** up.
I need no one, but myself. I need to put the drugs and alcohol on the shelf, that is what I need to do, and I can’t do that with them, I can’t know that I am not going to do this again.
I can’t even be my own friend damn it.
I know, Damien.
I break up with me, every day.
I know, Damien.
I know, Amanda.
I know, me.
I know both of us.
I hate me too.
How the **** am I supposed to like anyone else if I can’t even look in the mirror, I hate everything and everyone because this sucks and it is hard, and you make me nervous because I know everyone is thinking the same damn thing that I think about me
YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK
You suck?
That’s what you think?
That’s what we think. They think. I think.
Do you think this is fun for anyone, who the **** would want to be around this? I don’t even want to and I am this…
Then stop doing it.
Oh.
What makes you most anxious?
I named myself See Clearly because that is not what I do, I do not see clearly at all, because my ego it is tall, or it used to be I mean, because I am a liar, a whiner and a wine-r, or not really because I prefer whiskey, or anything that is risky like heroin or meth or how about crack or death? You know things like those, things you stick in mouth or nose, or suck through glass, because I want to die, and that’s not true, what I really aim to do is..
Get the *** away from all of you, because you make me anxious, because you hate me, or maybe I do.. I don’t know… but I feel it when it you look at me please ****ing go. I am telling you go away, **** it! I hate the idea of panic and judgement, I hate you and everything you meant
To say, but didn’t, I can hear you thinking **** it, or maybe that is me? I don’t know the difference…
I guess… it’s me… what makes me anxious is me…
and addiction and lack of control and framed photos of animals in suits..
I sleep in oblivion because obviously sleep must be partially that
Because I can’t remember it and that is oblivion right?
That is what is means?
Ob-liv-ion
obviously, I am a living ion.
That just popped into refutation
Def- the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.
Haha. Universe slapping me in the ****ing face, arrogant ******* that I am
Oblivion
Deaf,
Hey Clearly, you hear me
Deaf?
Death?
Oblivion- the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.
HISTORICAL•LAW
Why are you obsessed with the word ***hole?
Hmm… being dead or asleep, meaning having no power and receiving pardon or amnesty?
Sound familiar?
***hole.
Just realized I called myself my own ex-girlfriend…
Not intentional…
I love ya, hunny, and it shows, or showed, when things were going well, you know? When we were loaded with lots of cash, and didn’t have to worry about you stealing my ****ing stash, but now I am sorry sweetie, gotta go,
Because you know what, sorry, baby, we’re in a rut and as much as I love ya, you ****ing ****! I hate your stupid ugly guts, so take my money sweetie, I don’t need it, hope you like it, hope you keep it for longer than one day, because sorry dear, I am staying away.
I am walking to California, and so my dear, I am going to warn you if you come near me, I can say I will bite your head off, and make you pay, because I have a rare gift don’t you see and sounding like guy I still have these? So now with the power of two in one I am pimp and whore with loaded gun.
I will take out your eye, don’t touch me ****er, and if you say anything I will make sure your luck
Is in the ER ER ER ER
Damien/Amanda
I got
What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?
Are you seeing a theme here? I think if those movies had a poorly written child, it would be my attempt writing my silly story on this blank screen at me for me with me by me.
I love erecting large monsters that make points about society, but are really a reflection of the desire for control of their creator, and end up causing more harm than it would be to admit at the beginning that dinosaurs are cool, but make me feel so small. They make me afraid, so sometimes, I want to lash out and kidnap people, because I do not want to be alone, which makes me insecure and wish for a thick as thieves partner in crime, to have lived my Misery existence with as a natural born killer, but what I really am is alcoholic drug addict talking to myself about killing my wife in a motel, while writing, and thinking about drinking.
I always think of you today, and want to drink because I used to drink today
Because honestly, I used to ****ing drink everyday, because I am an alcoholic, But that dig at my pride is unnecessary, just trying to be more honest, so no one stabs me in the back… which is funny because I am the master of vicious drunk attack, which is why I have no ****ing friends.
They aren’t dead like yours, they won, they are still having fun doing what I can’t because I came undone, and now my life is devoted to becoming un-spun, so I guess I won? But, sometimes it’s not ****ing fun, and I feel like I am done… I just want to… that’s a lie….
STUPID ***HOLE, what do you want to do die?
No, I want to poke out both of my eyes. Or stab myself in the
Back? Front? Chest?
What like your favorite artist?
What a conquest.
****
You
Are you superstitious?
Yes, clearly.
There is an eye in the sky and it is up so high, that I can’t reach it, can’t poke it
Can’t kiss it or stroke it…
Stupid jerk who strokes an eye?
I stroke an I.
Your gross, you stroke yourself?
Yeah, loser, you are doing it right now.
EGO EGO EGO EGO I go I go I go I go
ANSWER ME: Okay, here, I am very superstitious. I come from a long line of a family, who believes in
I missed you, and me and this, and you having a life and not whining about everything.
I believe in manifestation of human life that is not real, I believe in the power of words to cast spells that I feel, will make things happen for me, at least in my head it feels that way, but who knows you know what they say
YOU’RE INSANE AND TO BLAME FOR ALL THE BODIES AT YOUR FEET, WASN’T IT FUN PLAYING WITH SOWING NEEDLES WITH DEAD CHILDREN ON THE STREET
If I talk to you on here, it looks like a superstitious allegory or me being silly and not what it is
paranoid schizophrenic
or YOU’RE INSANE
YOU’R INSANE
YOU’RE INSANE
and it is ****ed to be your own best friend.
Is it though do you see the voices I talk to?
YOU TALK TO YOURSELF
OoO that was a sick burn, and you know what sometimes, superstitions are justified, peace MF.
The quiet ramifications of a life of pushing everyone away, or I am surrounded by silence because I pushed everyone away.
I hate it because it reminds me of what a failure I am, I have lived most of my life, lying to myself. I am unhappy because I am alone, and have spent my life drug/alcohol seeking. I do not have any friends, my friends I had are all dead or don’t talk to me anymore, so I sit alone all day and write on here and I hate it and love it at the same time. I love that I am no longer surrounded by the negativity I was surrounding me before, which I don’t want, but it also reminds me what I have missed because of my choices. I chose to dedicate my entire life to drugs and alcohol a magnum opus of failure. I am alone all the time forced to reflect on all the bad choices I have made.
I lived as a homeless person, squatter, bum, panhandler, conartist and petty criminal for the last 17 years. I was on a constant mission to fuel only my addiction while obtaining a master’s degree in public policy which I have used as a way to skirt the law. I have not committed any serious crimes. I have panhandled, lied, cheated, gambled, and conned my way through life. That is the truth, the full truth and no lies.
Damien.
I like being able to just sit here and talk to this page, without someone demanding my attention, my daughter sits in the same room, doing her own thing. That was the thing that always got to me about the women in my life, my thing became their thing, and they made it all about them, and then I didn’t even want to do it anymore, it became corrupted with resentment, turning it green and glowing with an aura of sickness, corrupting the image, seeping into its every pore, like a MRSA infection, taking over its form and making it a different thing.
I didn’t ever want to write a book with that ****. I wanted to right one by myself, and she wanted to help me, so she did this stupid thing on here, and I tried to ruin it, with sing song **** that was not even any good, that was mocking of how she talked to me, all rhyme based and stupid, like a nursery rhyme from hell, she is the voice of misery by the way…….. I don’t remember where the **** I was going with that, I got distracted by my daughter telling me a story about Looney Tunes.
Later
Damien
It was this guy ranting about how prison doesn’t sound that bad
I thought it was hilarious, but then was immediately grasped at the neck by anxiety and asked her why she was showing it to me.
I hate being schizophrenic, I have done nothing that would cause me to worry about this, but that is my instant reaction. I hate being insane. I didn’t snap at her. Small steps.
She chose to stay with me. That is huge for me, she doesn’t need to stay with me, she can take care of herself, and she stayed with me because she is worried about me and for some stupid reason seems to actually like me. I don’t know why. We are staying here for now, and I still standing by the whole SCREW REI thing. I do not know how to change the name on this site, and I like it, so she gave it to me because she is not a bad person, we just hate each other now.
I can’t stand her, and I know just the other day, I was saying the opposite, I am an idiot who is bipolar. I am going to try the whole life thing out with my family, which is just her. Screw anyone else for right now.
I think it is funny how the **** that I used to be married to thinks she is so above everyone else, and she is worshiping idols herself. She thinks herself some great nihilist, running through life capable of doing what she wants, and does just so, but she is worshiping an idol herself.
We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson
nihilists, the Big Lebowski
The battle raged on and on
Dimmu Borgir, Progenies of the Apocalypse
Fuelled by the venom of hatred for men
Consistently, without the eyes to see
By those who revel in sewer equally
I like looking into the dark and light, sorry. I am not of the opinion that the eyes should be shielded from anything, I like this band, take it or leave it.
They are black metal, so be warned, these guys are insane and worship things you shouldn’t. I write horror, I think of these guys as writing horror as well, they just worship the horror they write, and that is their right to do, I just listen to it as a reflection on what I do not want to do, but it is interesting outwardly, and they are extremely talented musicians, whatever their personal beliefs are, which conflict with mine, I am not going to not listen to music because of differing ideology.
Anyway, point being, my ex is an idiot worshiping erected god Misery or virus of addiction. Moron that she is…
Revealed to me to invalidate below:
I am not the center of the universe, like I thought in below post
I am going to slit this woman’s eye balls out of her head. I have been thinking about it all morning, and I can’t think of another way to handle this, because I am stuck on idea of removing her eyes from her skull. I know this is not healthy, but I would love to poke her in the eye like the cyclops she is, unseeing in all her stupidity.
Wow, cheap shot of the internet, thanks for this one, right in the heart.
“The computer is also not famous for having mercy.”
Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game
Maybe that is a sign I should do nothing… I have been remembering quotes from this book all day applied to my life, but I forgot about this one, and it just hit me where it hurts. So I don’t know what I am going to do now.
Damn it. I hate having a conscience, it is very inconvenient.
Damien.
Homer, The Iliad, Book 1, lines 674-683.Maddening one…you and your eternal suspicions –
I can never escape you. Ah but tell me, Hera,
just what can you do about all this? Nothing.
Only estrange yourself from me a little more –
and all the worse for you.
If what you say is true, that must be my pleasure.
Now go sit down. Be quiet now. Obey my orders,
for fear the gods, however many Olympus holds,
are powerless to protect you when I come
to throttle you with my irresistible hands.
I got an interesting message this morning, relayed to me by a friend who I will not mention the name of that a friend named Deborah or Diane wants to see her daughter, funny… why now?
The girl is 18, so she can do what she wants, so I am debating whether or not to tell her, she does not remember this woman, so there is no point to this, other than to damage my daughter, which I think is the intention, that and to reveal to Rei, who probably already knows this because she reads this thing, that I am a liar, which she also already knows, so I don’t know what the **** this woman wants, and I kind of want to find out, but not enough to tell my daughter yet, because sadly I think she would go because I think this **** that I married is giving her things I am not okay with, and if that is true, she is going to remember the very rare set of skills that started our oh, pleasant demonic flirtation, and it will be completely justified, wonderfully completely justified.
Damien.
PS. Sorry baby, you knew I was crazy to begin with, I am done with you.
You have no idea how it is to be in the bathroom without looking in the mirror, most of the time, I would just shut my freakin’ eyes, which is a pain in the ***, and led to many injuries that were not about being intoxicated, but a lunatic, that had gotten sick of cutting my hands on punching out glass mirrors. I have never looked like myself, in reality or in Misery, I have always looked different, and I would do anything to get rid of my own reflection, even attempt to rip out my own eye, which is why I never touch my eyes. I am still afraid to touch them because of PTSD from one time I tried to rip out my own eye.
I was tripping and unaware of the distinction between reality and dream, I had been awake for days rolling on dxm, and had taken some acid and was either over tired or I don’t and became overcome by the idea that I could do anything I wanted with my hands.. like rip out my own eye, because that is what you would want to do if you realize you are free to do anything you want… I am insane… getting better though… at least this doesn’t happen anymore… small steps.
You killed I will make sure your blood is… oh that’s right you don’t have that because you have no legs to stand on, no place to land on, and need me to hit any vein at all, you can’t even make a call to get sauced or star crossed so get lost! My eyes are mine not thine, and I am no longer resigned to die, because I like life. I am no longer addicted to human strife, no I am addicted of stab pain with KNIFE, but I can’t do that so… because that is not real, and I am no longer a prisoner of feel,
I am now becoming more real, no longer need to steal or lie, I can take out your stupid eye or can’t I because you don’t have one. You see through me, which is sad, because I can’t see clearly, is your vision blurry ****? Her’s a fix, get in ditch.
End transmission.
My mind would not shout danger! danger! I am a perpetual stranger, the friend of a sad deranged girl. I don’t care about danger because I am invisible, my sanity is unreal and my will indivisible, it can’t be overpowered because I am ruled by fire, I am the power of sheer desire. I am an addict done using setting enemies alight with the power of ignite with deathly fright.
I eat my enemies whole because I am gifted being with two souls, I am a liar, a thief, a villain and addicted to blood spillin’. You are mine because I tell you this, I aim to kill and never miss, I wouldn’t waste a good shot on anything, so I stop using to kill you with the same poison I have been using, not heroin no, but resentment you see… I realized recently I was addicted to the idea of killing me. I wanted to cease to be anything at all, I wanted to head death’s call, but now I have realized this, and will not fall, it is my sole mission to unplug the phone, you can’t call anyone you are disease forever alone, you can’t use a phone, without my voice, and see the thing is **** I have a choice. I don’t want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to kiss.
I am a being fueled by fire born desire, not yours but the eternal I the desire of pyre. I am the being who will take you down, you are now hearing the sound of resounding pound of the time of night when the lights turn on and the addicts you hunt no longer head death’s gong.
I am playing pong with you **** and you will lose, because I no longer live in a world, with no shoes. I am the desire to chose to say no, I am RESENTMENT’S DEATH NOW **** GO!!!!
I just thought, well.. at least… today is the first day my wife will not wake up to me crying and feeling sorry for myself… heh…
That is freakin’ sad.
This cat is the best cat in the entire world. He makes all these weird non-traditional cat noises, and reminds me of a different cat Amanda had once, that met a tragic end, and no I didn’t kill it. It died when her apartment burned down, she lived above a restaurant and the place burned down because someone left something on… it was freakin’ horrific and a lot of what caused the chaos of the past 10 years.
I like her brother, he is cool. He is a very peaceful person, I admire that so much, he brings peace to all conversations he participates in.
Later
Damien
My family finds it funny that I am still insanely jumpy from living outside, so randomly they will scream and I will scream back at them in various explicit ways and then feel like an ***. I am actually grateful they are doing it because it keeps forcing me to apologize after acting out irrationally. I think, even though they don’t admit it, that is why they keep doing it. I used to never apologize for anything, and I think they like hearing me say I am sorry, over and over again, which I guess I owe them.
Oh well…
Damien
Macbeth
“By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”
You realize we just thanked ourselves in the title right?
Yeah, I don’t care, I just wanted to thank you for the longest I have slept in the morning in a long time. Narcissism as well, but better.
So you really were just trying to take my body from me?
(Symphonic black metal Norwegian band- do not listen to if you can’t handle)
At first yeah?
You don’t care that it’s female?
It’s not female.
Thank you for saying that, but unfortunately it is.
No it’s error presenting female form, or a shot at your pride, so you experience soul death and don’t become me, and a call for me to wake up and talk to you. We are part of the same soul.
It’s all for you Damien.
SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!
Okay… backing…
I didn’t mean to kill them. I didn’t mean for my house to burn down with them inside it, you look so much like her I didn’t care. She was involved in some dark level shit. She was going to give them our daughter. I am glad they are dead. At least she is safe, away from DEBORAH.
Wait what?
I’m sorry I can’t remember what I said.
You were.
Please leave me alone.
Can you….
Please leave me alone.
You don’t want to.
I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE OR I WILL KILL ****ing DIANE. DEMON WITCH PSYCHOTIC **** DIANE OR DEBORAH MY EX WIFE.
Where would you go on a shopping spree?
I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with cart, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments. Kidding.
I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with card, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments.
Heh. I make myself laugh. I just woke up to the universe playing a prank on me, there was an episode of one of those SVU kind of shows on about a guy who’s house burns down and there is 10 grand worth of fireworks in it. It was a hilarious way to wake up. Thank you universe. I love this prompt too.
I would go to a Walmart, Target, BJ’s or mall sort of establishment, that way I could grab a bunch of everything, and I would grab a bunch of everything. Expensive food, cheap junk food, random old toys for five year old kids like Gak, notebooks, candy, clothing, camping gear, microwave pizza, Christmas decoration, basically anything I can find that is cool because I have had literally nothing but the clothes on my back for the past 7 years of my low bottom addict life and I appreciate every item I find.
I am amused by everything as well, not just items. I am very grateful to have survived the hell that has been my self chosen allegory of what not do life.
I go on shopping sprees now anytime I have spare cash, and spend my money in local establishments to pay back those in society I wrong, by the way.
Damien
Okay, I am done feeling like ****. I am done ******* and moaning. I feel like a jerk. I get that I am supposed to, so I am going to start doing things so I am not just hanging out in this room whining on the internet anymore.
I am still going to do that too though. I don’t care, it helps me.
I didn’t kill anyone today. I just slept most of the time since I was last on here.
I think that’s good.
I don’t know how long I was sleeping. I don’t look at the time stamp on this thing.
I think tomorrow will be better.
Later
Damien
I am man with knife that spreads jam on toast instead of man who jams in head the killing knife that was made for bread.
I am man who does not stab but cuts apart, an apple instead of human heart, I have realized with my eyes that see, coming out of insanity, that I do not have to be Amanda I can be free. I am released from human cage, a player now not just on page, I do not have to employ rage, I can instead say this I desire human bliss, I can give love, I can give kiss. I am not supposed to be anything but free to be me. I should have known this from the start but drugs and booze they sedated heart, so I used my name as excuse to die, a perpetual never ending cry out for
MORE MORE MORE
Make yourself a living sore on the heart of yours so that you can be, so safely chained to me, addiction, you see is my maker, my taker, my soul breaker.
I love you so, baby please don’t go. I need you so… I need you please, I am kneeling on bent KNEES
GET ON YOUR KNEES HONEY
MONEY MONEY MONEY
CASH CASH CASH PLEASE
I GET PAID WITH SOUL DISSECTION
I GET PAID WITH VIVISECTION
I BELIEVE IN RESURRECTION
Can it happen for me to, help me God, can you teach me to be more like you instead of Mary? I am sad and this is scary, common God please my soul fix?
It is already I told you this, this is Damien you fool, it’s you. You can do whatever you want to.
What is your middle name? Does it carry any special meaning/significance?
De- it means of.
I will not give out my real name, because as I have said many a time I am insane, and it doesn’t matter anyway. I am changing it so I can stay me, and not DIE because I should have been born a guy, and instead of trying to take out another eye, I have two don’t worry, I am not good at surgery in a hurry, I fail at everything I do, and am a chicken a coup, look at me I made you soup.
Question, answer me,
No, oh baby I love you so, who do you speak to lunatic?
Fire of hearts desire to live, I am my own heart’s kid
Kidding me, that is the epitome of narcissism?
I know, baby you know this, just gotta love myself to avoid
Kiss of death, death
Dragon breath, my name is a riddle and a lie, a puzzle piece in the heat of July, a piece of past that makes me
Die, die, die
Roll me please? I am in dungeon and would like to spend these?
They are spare change, they buy me soul, they buy me parts that rebuild hole sole? They make me learn how to spell it too, so I can learn to say to
My name is Damien de Soto. Today, forever, my other names are broken, and irrelevant.
I played this in real life, with no wagon, sometimes no clothes- don’t ask it rains there a lot. I dried them while naked and unafraid, because all the people on that show are ****** and I would totally win, but probably go to prison afterwards, so obviously they are not going to let me on that show. I think they probably have to do a psych eval before the thing and schizophrenic addict, alcoholic, PTSD narcissists with anger issues and histories of violent arrests don’t pass psych evals.
I would totally win that show though because seriously, I lived in the Oregon dunes during the rainy season for the whole thing, 8 months in total, with nothing during the **** pandemic.
Okay, done with this now. Moving on.
Oh, and all my materials were scavenged and I walked from western to Southern Oregon, and have done the same thing walking from Oregon to Cali. Bam.
Done ego stroking. I am a **** sorry.
Damien and Amanda Fact not fiction.
Start following around members of my town with a boom box that plays classical music and see how long it takes for them to punch me.
I wonder how long it would take, I would try not to make it obvious at first and then… actually I would use a phone instead.. a boombox is too heavy and outdated, and I don’t have either thing because I sold all my possessions to buy drugs anyway.
I would follow them and change the music to be the opposite of what they were doing or play thematic Jaws or Jurassic Park music while they were trying to read. I have tried all this kind of stuff before, it is how you get a really quick trip to jail and very nifty if you need a way out of the rain and free meal. They know I do that now, so they just take me to the psych ward and threaten me with thorzine.
Meh. Oh well.
Damien
There is a line
He’s losing his mind, and I’m reaping all the benefits.
The wedding singer
That makes me laugh, for a horrible reason, I love to watch people become like me, and any time someone loses their mind in the movies I hear Nelson from The Simpsons and think welcome to Misery, ****, we love your company, we being me, myself and I… or the royal we, according to Walter on The Big Lebowski, who is basically me at any diner in the area I live in, and the reason why I can’t go to a lot of them now, **** it. It kind of *****, but is hilarious at the same time. One of the times they threw my drunk *** out I took my friends full plate of fries outside and threw it at the glass door which cracked, and then ran into the bushes and stood their talking myself down for thirty minutes while drinking fire ball to calm down.
Insanity and why I needed to get sober, because I no longer have friends due to all this. They grew tired of the **** as funny as it may have been, it is not safe for those who want to have a life, I guess.
I think I am funny, although I am continuing to try to be less of an ***.
I never thought to do this, but since becoming closer with my family, I have at their willing it on me. They play it, I think they noticed it calms down the mood of the whole environment and they like it. I talk to myself less when it is on because it silences me
hearing me or
me hearing things I think are there
As you can tell, this is no longer co-authored. I took it over, because I am a jerk. Rei has told me she doesn’t need it anymore, because I am no longer being a jerk because I am using it now. So the site has come full circle.. as for my other side, she is becoming me. I am becoming one with her, we have stopped talking to each other as much because we are becoming each other and it feels wonderful. My wife loves me, my family in our little future world is doing good and the hands that write this have hope through her imaginary friend and current self that is me, that she will be better and is getting better every day.
As much as I complain, I remain so very thankful for everything that has happened recently.
I love my freakin’ life and so does Amanda.
Thank you guys on this site for your part in this.
The author.
Am I to be sick my whole life? I know this sounds like me complaining but, I physically feel awful, like usual. I am also speaking for my co-author who is riddled with the same malady as me. I know we deserve this, and I have been told it takes six months for someone with my history to heal in body and mind. I am okay with that, I guess. It is just tough to know this, but then again sick is not the word for what I feel, not well is I guess more like it. I am told it takes six months to not be discouraged by lack of normal in how I feel.
I don’t even remember what I used to feel like when I was normal. I was sick and so was my co-author long before we started using at 13. I have hydrocephalus and a litany of mental illnesses. I think if nothing else I am excited that there is a chance to ever feel normal at all, because I have never had that, and I would love that. It sounds so insanely sanely peaceful.
I am fighting to make that a reality, every second of my life, it is worth all of this, despite my stupid whining. To anyone else doing the same thing, please stay strong you got this.
No matter what I did she would not go away,
I would taunt and have fits, and run and I’d cry and by my side she always would stay.
This used to really annoy me.
I would think to myself that she would surely,
Leave eventually so I gave up on the idea of woman go
And now I don’t like life without her.
What is the last thing you learned?
I think that is why this bothers me so much, maybe. You don’t stop learning until you die. I think that might be a little melodramatic, maybe… I don’t think this website wants to assume they are getting to hear the thoughts of a dying man, which would not be a terrible thing either… I guess…. because then at least… well… someone would get to hear them?
Last thing I learned…
That it is important to follow the rules, so that is why I am re-doing this post…
Along that line of thought, I learned to not be lazy and that I can do an AA day count on my computer and bring it to the meetings that I go to even though I personally don’t like counting days, there is something to be said for the reverence to structure that in this case is my personal revelation that is not personal at all, powered by God and recovery to shut up and listen.
There, I followed the rules.
Peace.
Damien
The late hours of the night are so much more peaceful now, thank you God.
I am so grateful to be sitting here, able to get up without people thinking I am going into the bathroom to fire heroin into my arm, I am thankful they are seeing a change in me, because I want so bad for my existence to cause no more pain on this planet, than it already has, thank you God and to anyone who has helped me in any of this.
I am elated to be in the quiet of my house with my family sleeping soundly instead of killing themselves of me killing me, and me being pissed because I think they are being selfish for not wanting my arms to stop being covered with sleeves in the summer when I hate long sleeves but I am cold all the time, no longer.
I am so grateful for this. I am able to type right now instead of having a bed time like a child because I am no longer in a shelter.
I am so happy.
Thank you.
Damien
Can it!
Okay.
I am spinning back and forth space, thinking man isn’t this great, I am no longer doing anything to cause harm, missing hands no longer missing arm
Cheap shot
No, it wasn’t it cost 20$
Every time I fired up desire to live. I am disgusting.
I am glib I am mean I am ad lib?
Add liberation, an activity devised to be liberating, even though I am pretty sure that is not how you spell that, but to lazy to check that, so don’t judge me, I know everything, even though I don’t.
I am learning okay.
Yes, I see that.
You are me, of course you see that.
Lunatic.
You are talking to yourself again.
I know, I am.
At least it is on a screen not a street corner scaring people and at least now I am just insane not high and insane threatening people with posed presence into giving up cash to a man holding a sign at 3 am.
Yeah that too.
I gross my own self out.
Me too.
Thanks jerk.
You’re welcome self.
Right back at you.
I like double shots too.
Heh.
Below the belt.
Yeah.
What is the last thing you learned?
I owe you the sun, the moon, and the stars for being someone who attacked you when you were just trying to help me.
Damien de Soto, last night ***
What does that even mean? Last before what? Last thing before sleep? The last thing before bed yesterday? Last thing I allowed myself to be taught? The last thing I learned in general?
Is this up to interpretation? Is that why it is phrase this way?
What the heck? I don’t get it.
You really think you are better than everyone else don’t you?
Who said that?
You. Just now.
No, I didn’t. And no I don’t.
Yes, you did, it is up there said, by me. That is how…
That is not how that comes across, I was asking for clarity.
You were pointing out a flaw with the question to avoid answering because you are used to being held somewhere under a light and asked questions about drunk or high behavior by police.
This is not a cop asking me this.
Then what is the last thing you learned?
Before bed? I’ll take it that way, which is the only way I can take it.
Yeah?
I learned I am lucky and grateful that I have been gifted the ability and chance to do anything at all because I have lived a life of selfishness and deserve none of this, only being granted it by the grace of God or my higher power.
Thank you, good answer.
That was easy, and rewarding.
Yeah, I know.
Nice mental pat on the back.
I know that too.
Jerk.
Noted.
The best day I have had in my life so far, I feel so much better, which will most likely last about 21 minutes or something till something changes, and I go through some other psycho breakdown.
There we go. 21 seconds of peace, before I snap at myself, on the internet, and now I am remembering how shitty I feel. **** it.
But, still best day ever, which shows me how bad my days have been before, I love everyone on this website. It is really saving my pathetic life.
It is so quiet here right now, my wife is in the next room, watching some show with my daughter, we had dinner together, which was weird. I think they are strange.
I love them though, just don’t understand why they like me.
Later
Damien
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
Damien, alcoholic addict in stages and phases reflecting forever in Narcissistic ever quest for self reflection
Turn the pages
What can I help you with?
Nothing I am fine, why do I look like I need help?!
Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to…
Well ya did, get the **** away.
Sorry just trying to…
Oh, sorry I am a jerk.
I mean that wholeheartedly, talking to myself helps me, and I am hoping maybe it will help someone else to see my displayed vanity insanity typed over and over, and it is better to talk to myself on here then cry myself to sleep, or get drunk or high because I am scared. Okay, not going to erase that, it felt very good to write that.
I have a very hard time admitting weakness,
Can I help you with something?
This says to my brain
Peace.
I am on fire
I am an empire of clearly d
Fueled insanity in humanity
That stands to be over taken, I am not mistaken that I have decided to resurrect the erect shun
of my fellow man, with the act give me hand.
I need flesh please touch me I exist in lust please just
TOUCH TOUCH ME
I AM SO TRUSTING DON’T You
see I am so in love with me because I am really in love with you because I am really in love with
NOTHING
I NEED YOU
I CAN
NOT
I am the knotted soul of the web of the chaotic society, who gives shoes to man who cannot stand because we
CUT OF HIS LEGS
CHOP CHOP
This cleaving deceiver wishes to open kegs with a sword
UNTOWARD FOREWARNING I AM FOREBODING I AM LOATHING
But I am also love, don’t you see the wings of dove
Haahhaaasewlkgo;nwqojgjow;
That feels good. I only spell because it gives me should, I live or
should I…
I am done with this one too. Bored now.
In going to meetings and listening to the voices of people who sound just like me in recovery, it is giving me such an intense level of inner peace, balancing of course with a complete out of control psychosis, which I will battle all my life, so I am okay with it. I think I am finally coming to terms with who I am, so I am becoming more okay, with the fact that people are not going to always like what I have to say, but if I feel compelled to say it, there must be some reason I have to say it even if the reason is to make a complete *** of myself in front of a whole room of people, which I guess is what they mean by emotional honesty.
I think that is what beginning to make me want this, that I have realized that the people in the rooms of recovery think the same things that I think, they just don’t act on them. I have heard it said clearly in this phrasing,
First thought wrong.
I never got that until recently, because I am psycho and my first thought was never just one thought it was a uni-cycle of several thoughts backing up and going forward playing chicken with a freight train and loving it because I am a dick named Ted who loves the rush, baby. I finally get that, that it was the exhilaration of the fixation on chase dragon that I loved so much and I can get that feeling doing other things that don’t make me physically ill or permanently stretched out across the ground, or bending over in wretched sickness or cause me to lose my mind forever. I am starting to value the sparring changes that come from the sparring I do with individuals in public in my with the intermittent voice of my higher power screaming so loudly…
Just lost train of thought….
Peace and love
Damien
So I officially didn’t kill the **** after being given permission to. I thought about it. I really did, actually, not that I need to tell you that.. I wrote about it on here, so obviously I thought about it. I didn’t kill him for a strange reason. I like the way he avoids eye contact with me now. It is fun. I think I might be able to make the little **** walk into a car just by looking at him. Then I didn’t officially kill the poor *******. Or, I get to torment a **** the rest of my life, in the name of defending my daughter, I am hoping for the latter, because it sounds fun.
I am just going to act like I don’t know the guy now and stand behind him awkwardly sometimes to make him look like the writhing worm he is, so no more women will be messed with the way he messed with my daughter.
I figure if he doesn’t kill himself, I have fun bored game to play the rest of my life.
This is psychotic I know, but progress… maybe.
At least I don’t have to clean blood out from under my finger nails for hours. I can smell that right now. That is the only time it grosses me out.
With love,
Damien
I think that was the most fun, I have ever had in my life.
I don’t think that guy will be bothering her or any other girl again.
I simply talked to the **** the same way I talk on here and he ran screaming.
Much more satisfying, and now I don’t have to wash my hands over and over for days.
I like dealing with rage. It is fun.
They are sleeping now, and I didn’t have to wake them up, it is nice, I think in a strange way I may have done the right wrong thing?
Damien/Amanda
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
My name is See Clearly
How do you create sympathy for the unloved man.
You say you are a lunatic with weapon who will KILL THEM WHERE THEY STAND.
And then sympathetic society in its cage so please wait no, don’t touch them no. I see so clearly now, it was me that was the enemy.
I am a horror writer that uses method acting in blog style format to simulate sympathy
Because I am a narcissist that sees clearly how to create empathy.
My name is Rei, well clearly, my name is Amanda, my name is IRRELEVANT.
I am an act put on to show reader what is dealt to the men of the street, hands flung in the air saying don’t worry eat potted meat. I am the bringer of sensation of fixation with death in a society bent to sell theft of the lives of the cost, this is what it costs. It costs the screaming of sad souls on words on page. I am a simulation on the internet of human rage.
I am the forever caged man of society’s garbage can.
None of this is real baby, it is an act of the sensation of
FEEL FEEL
You feel me honey?
Isn’t their reality
Oh, so sunny.
Nobody cares, baby.
I am every man in tent hiding on the street with bent posture and dirty feet. My name is lurker on street eating potted meat. I am the eyes of the despised lurking high in the skies but sinking low, I am the act of sleep in snow. I am please baby, nooooooooooooooooooo!
Did you think it was pretty when you hurt in the city, honey?
WAS IT FUNNY????
ALL OVER MONEY????
ALL THIS OVER THAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no name, I am the human stain. YOU ARE NOTHING. I AM DISTRUSTING YOUR SOUL BECAUSE I WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE.
In the crying skies lies lying despise of men dead, with severed head they can’t see.
THEY SEE NOTHING
So distrusting. I have no idea what I am even saying????????????????????
Well, that was interesting. I am bored with it now.
End simulation
sorry kisses, honey
just a narcissist transfixed by the kiss of human sensation.
Thanks, now it is not as ******* cold in here.
I know I kill you sometimes with lack of thank you, so this is my way of saying
Merci? Is that how you spell that?
Yes, it is.
Okay, yeah thank you. I forgot which one of us was talking, isn’t that cool.
Not a question, a statement
state ment.
I don’t like rules.
This song on the pandora station is making me think of that movie Patch Adams.
Peace
Later
I am learning how much I hurt people without knowing it recently. I didn’t realize until recently how much I hurt people until very recently. I was so caught up in my own life of cycle high drunk that I forgot that other people are not like this and are hurt when I get hurt and being in a cycle of hurting me hurts people whether I like it or not, and they are not choosing to be hurt by this, they are innately hurt by this, because they are in some way better at being human, and I should envy this, not resent them.
I am finally getting how much pain I caused those who just wanted me to be happy, because they love me, all of me, even the bad parts, which is disturbing because there are times when I can honestly say I loved no one but me, or those who hated me, or things that kill me, or everyone but the ones who love me, and while being eternally sorry, I would never take this back, because I am still the same *** that did it and I needed to because I am selfish and needed to find out the hard way, which was hard for everyone, at least I punished myself too.
Okay, enough ego stroking.
I gross myself out sometimes.
Later
Damien/Amanda
I love the fact that I can wake up and remember things now, and that all my blame placed on mental illness being the only reason behind my flawed memory was really a crock of ****, which is a disgusting image, brought to you by a person who used to be a disgusting image in a different way. I like the fact that I am realizing reality now, that I have always been real and not a fictional character in someone’s story that is actually my ballooned chaos land of lack of accountability for screaming in analogy at real human beings who were so much better at keeping it real than me.
I am working on it and really am enjoying my three dimensional past presenting present dictating future reality gifted to me by the most higher power, that will always be higher than me.
I am trying to be humble during all this too, but I am still the same narcissist, who can at least spell that word now.
I really like spending the morning with my family, actually present and not having to just hide behind false apology. It is extremely peaceful, and I am eternally grateful, even if sometimes I forget it.
With Love,
Damien/Amanda
Thank you to the mental clarity of returning sanity, I never had because I never was an adult not high. I started drinking and using at 13, unbeknownst to those who loved me. I didn’t realize the effect it had on anyone but me because, unlike myself people care about each other, and it was painful to watch someone they loved going through hell wrought by my hands which have a predisposition to fictionalizing pain so I can flush my life down the drain, I am done being the bully, and shoving my own head in the toilet, to vomit life’s medicine of my own undoing into the toilet that was my only shower when I was homeless, metaphorically, I am not that disgusting don’t worry.
I am seeing so much clearer now, and not afraid anymore.
Here is a funny dog, because he is better at dealing with life than me.
Heh.
Damien
I was hanging with my mom this morning and she is playing 70’s jazz, that sounds like driving music. They don’t make music like that anymore, and I think that is very sad, I like the event based music of the earlier decades, they had this way of making everything an event that I think is behind their innate joy, and why they didn’t experience the drug epidemic that endemic in my generation. I admire their drive and will to do the right thing and the lack of selfishness, that I see missing in my MEMEME generation. We are so I driven that we forget to look at the world through our eyes, and see only flavors of despise through I’s.
I am trying to grow past this, but it is hard.
I didn’t even realize with my real eyes that I am doing it.
I am sorry for my selfishness.
Sorry you had to listen to it on here. I will be making a concerted effort to be better, because I am finally realizing my actions affect people whether I like it or not.
Thank you to my higher power, I could never get high enough to be higher than thou.
Heh.
Damien/Amanda
Well aren’t you?
I don’t know, I always thought I was your invisible best friend who everyone hated?
You are that too, love you.
The banana I was eating looks really weird, It had this bark like brown spot on it, I am not sure if I like it anymore.
I like you.
I am glad, because now I like myself again.
I know.
I dug the bad part out of the banana, the whole thing is not bad, just the bad part, it’s gone now. I can eat the rest of it, I don’t have to throw the whole thing in the trash. I like bananas. It would be a shame to waste something that was made by God.
Do you step with forward moving shoe? Do you run fearing lack of soul? I speak to me an ever dug whole of hole in soul. I am a shot in the dark taken from the hands of man who thinks they are feeding homeless man/woman, they never knew what they do they were really buy me
PAIN. Heroine without the e because I am the act of girl who used to wish to be well, anything but me. Oh, so free, I was like a dove with no wings who can’t fly.
Self roast of the burnt toast that is the breakfast I was never there to have because I am so bad that I walked out on mom and dad and went to live on the street, isn’t that neat. I am roast of me for you, because I do not kid this is the only way I can save my soul, by roasting it and spinning like a phoenix without feathers, or an ever forgetting pain drain that forgets to thank the Lord and tries to wield death’s sword.
I was SATAN’s word, now I fight for redemption with mention of evil to remember what I am being redeemed from. I am tired of shunning God in act of being sod instead of lover of my creator.
I am not a miss spelling, not there either, baby
I am lame, but maybe I am trying to tell you something
Something true.
I am a sham, a sea gull named life’s last stand, inserted into dying human being.
Listen to me…
Pressing the stressing dressing of the never resting meth head who head is dressed with never rest through pained dressed dance with thoughts of life spent on death
Cash spent on passing glass that reflects life lost or tossed in trash through battery acid soaked lash that hurts so bad it stings my soul or reeking creaking pain hole full of nothing but sin, so I look to Him because I am bad as bad as can be, I am blind man and woman, so arrogant there are two of me. I am in love with self so much I write letters of love to me. You have seen me do it. Do you think that is fun, being that meth spun you spend your life staring into the eyes of yourself hell bent on being anything other than me and feed
feed me drugs, I am a dirty rug,
I am walk on me, baby, I am crazy and will flip out if you do the wrong thing
I am to be feared because I reek of sin, and the only way out is
Trust in Him.
God is my only answer that is a cure to my death ridden soul.
I made friends with foxes because we used to pray the same way in the same holes, not the same way, I am a human being who cannot speak animal neigh
I am a lunatic who stares at the moon and dreams of clear streams that are for swimming not fire and speed. I am the lack of blood on arms that were charmed enough to live not charmed but gifted by the lifting of chosen curse or eating dirt, because child heart I am also arrogant as Hell. I aim to tell you things because I like to talk because I am a narcissist who made a choice that if I am addicted to my own voice, why not at least say something good?
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light 'Cause it's time for you to shine Brighter than a shooting star So shine no matter where you are tonight
Instead lies for crying eyes who hand me DRUGS, I am stronger than street thugs, but weaker too, a lot of them sell drugs to feed families, I shot heroin to commit calamities, acting out of complete insanity, I am vanity on a death terror ride, through illusion cycling through past for you, so you can see what I say and not go where I went and do what I did, because I don’t kid, I am kid who got saved by my creator, I am a pained footed waiter, not a metaphor an admission. I am just one suffering addiction speaking divine inspired truth that is inspired by God.He saved me.
I do not want to preach or teach, just simply save lives, by screaming the whole jails institutions death thing is real
and I feel un-punctuated and so elated by getting to tell you this.
Do not take death’s kiss people love you, please stay, if you listen to any of my psycho ego babble, I am playing scrabble with apples with words for you. I want you to know wherever you go, whatever you do, just say no to drugs, I want much more for you, because I love you and don’t even know you. Imagine how those who know you feel.
Love yourself. We recover.
Damien/Amanda
In flames there are pained brains called human stains or life down drains or really brains the ignite with the light fire of soul and burning dark hole. I stand in land of fiction with addiction to chaotic friction, a psycho-active highly impacting ever attracting sensation of the burning of lack
Or of massive attack on heart attack due to speed
Do you feel the need to cry out in pain life down the drain or to hope to some foxhole style prayer that your God is there?
He is. Get out. I know he is.
He lives he is. You are wrong.
I am a song. I am lyrics spent on lament.
You are hell bent on attacking when it is you that are lacking, lacking soul
Creek of door wanting some that it
lacks. You are sacked. You are packed you are shipped with delivery to Hell where you will forever dwell, disease. I bend you to knees,
Please baby. Please. See how it feels? I am the imitator of the psycho faker who really is SATAN. I make fun to shun the evil one.
I am powered by God. I am love. I am human being in the act of being inspired by love and hope and trust. I am the idea that Hell is DUST.
I am forever trust in Him and don’t give in to pain.
I am never complain.
I am arrogant too. I am sinful just like you. I am the face of fallen man, trying to learn how to stand. I am woman trying to roar, while forgetting it is a higher power that gives wings to human’s that are sore.
I am world tour of misery, by misers, sent by fire firing fire desire.
They are fired. By me. I am free. I want you to see clearly, I love you put joy in all you do, if nothing else is true be you, and alive and dance no jive with death. I don’t mind what you believe. I am free, I need to see clearly through speech, I aim not to taunt or preach just to reach out with my story, all though it might be gory I am trying to find His Glory.
I do not want to enforce, I am done with the act of firing torch. I want to spread love, but it doesn’t matter what I want. I write to you. It is up to you.
I am food for thought. I am misery taught, joy born addict no longer dying scorn.
Narcissism at its finest woo! Now I get to feel like **** for a bit as a punishment for vanity.
I am an idiot.
I am also insane-ly
LIAR LIAR
Shut up, ****
Good at self-pity isn’t it pretty?
No.
I am the flowing go of white snow.
No.
I feel like I am going to throw up and thinking about drugs makes it worse so I do it more?
Mental illness at it’s finest
I guess… fine with me because it has to be I guess..
Or it is so it is.
Acceptance.
On a side note, does anyone find it slightly disturbing that a plane has an area called cockpit?
I am listening to the news and just realized the horror in that phrase.
Bury me.
okay.
Pow
I like this song and boxes are cool..
Look.
That was easy.
I am kind of more awake now, see clearly, I am not addicted to caffeine. I need nothing but myself.
Liar.
I need a cup of coffee. This sucks…
I need to learn to use the ****ing
Coffee maker…
I hate being a pathetic loser.
I don’t want to break the stupid thing.
Did you sleep well? I barely slept at all…. I kept waking up as you can see…. because I have to do something today, and **** me. I am not important enough to feel okay anyway, and probably wouldn’t even if I slept… but how would I know because I don’t anyway???
Reason meant for reason a ment or Amanda’s meant resentment of self. Bam. Throughout punch of throat of myself, just pissed I am always tired, so I am word boxing myself, so I wake up, which is why I am always tired, and insane….
I like that movie…
I have seen it 302808 times.
It is one of the reasons I am tired right now.
Not true…. I am insane…. because.. I am insane… and I will never be not insane… because my broken brain doesn’t ****ing work write right write……..
Okay, done.
Damian
Damien
Damn ie
Dama ie
this is just stupid now.
What are three objects you couldn’t live without?
Ma belle These are words that go together well.-The Beatles “Michelle”
This computer, shoes, and a my nicotine vape pen. I am sayin’ that even though I have lived without everything, except air and heartbeat, because I am not going to be arrogant enough to count time in a coma from overdoses, or induced coma from surgery or un-induced coma from seizures from hydrocephalus as living at all. I am using living to mean living well here.
I am also assuming that food water and oxygen don’t have to be the answer because duh.
I am sorry for my sarcasm, my stomach hurts.
I am really really doing a lot better, so I am being more of an *** because I am regaining confidence in myself which sometimes manifests in me as acting like a self-involved ***.
I say the three objects I said, because I
I want to add, that this website is as always, saving my life, as well as Amanda’s through and with me, and separate from me all at the same time. I love every single one of you.
Or maybe I made the whole **** thing up to ruin my day. It is not on the wall anymore, and my family thinks I am a lunatic now… so I think that’s just another day I guess. Meh. It is embarrassing to be me. At least I made it through the day without hurting myself or others… woo. Small steps in the progress of a small minded man with his head buried in a perpetual garbage can…….. nope…… not doing it. I am too tired for insane rhyming.
I had this sample of this chocolate cereal earlier. It makes very good ice-cream topping. The ice cream also makes good cereal side kick. Kick cereal’s *** sugar! Woo! I am tired, my arms hurt from the infection under my arm I got from my knee spread there. It is healing but hurts like ****. It hurts more because of psychotically scrubbing a non-existent stain off a wall…. brought to you by side effects of years of meth use… don’t do drugs. This sucks. I am like a walking anti-drug commercial. Wanna be like Damien? Damien doesn’t even want to be like Damien anymore and he is in love with himself………meh….meh…..this sucks. I don’t even feel bad for me anymore and I am in love with myself. I am never getting high again. I am done embarrassing myself now.
Later
some jerk who ruined his body.
If you look at this, a picture which I altered to imitate what I saw a couple moments ago, you will notice at the bottom the grey part of the screen, this is not what I saw when looking in the camera. I am insane, so there is a large chance, I just incurred another 250$ down the ******* drain. There is a chance, that the blue light I am seeing in the replacement of the grey you see is not there, and that my wife is going to kill me for taking a hammer to a motel room wall.
I like this band, they are weird, and very distracting from the current wall situation.
But, I swear I didn’t put a hole in it… I thought about it and the hole in the wall appeared and it is not like the grey at all but a hole into a hollow area. I am done with it for now, so I moved a picture over it and I am hoping Rei doesn’t notice.
Later
The idiot
PS I have no self control.
Starry, starry night
Don mcclean
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
So now it happened during the day while I was awake enough to get my *** up and run with her, mind you I don’t know how the **** we did it. She was watching me, while I was on here, and I didn’t know it. I was posting things online for a friend of mine who I help manage her small business, she is an awesome woman. One of the best friends anyone could ask for. She also knows a lot about antiques and vintage everything. Anyway, so I am sitting here e·mersed in trying to find things, looking through other peoples written work, whatever… I don’t know and I can feel her looking at me, she has this eerie way of looking through me, as if she can see into my soul, and I got weird about it, made some sort of strange face, and I think we switched bodies for a second, you know like that stupid movie from the seventies not the movie with Lohan, but the original one?
Yeah, I remember, Damien.
Cool you heard me. I was freaking out so I thought it be nice to say hi.
Gotcha.
She looked at me and I felt her feelings, I felt how she was afraid in the same way I am afraid of her, that she was afraid of me, not liking her… that her introversion was my introversion and it was only a second, but I feel like I know her so much better, I trust her completely. She is like me 2.0, wow… narcissism…
Gross.
Later.
Damien.
I am the idea of own.
I am my own soul.
I am the one who digs hole.
I am the one who makes whole.
I have no legs so I can’t stand.
It’s just attacking itself now.
I know.
I can’t believe all we missed while being idiots and hurting ourselves and everyone around us when it is so simple just do positive things and don’t do negative things and even if it is hard, it will get easier and easier to break a sad cycle of romantic attraction to pain.
I know right?
I expected a snide remark
Did I disappoint you?
Kinda
You smell weird
Because why?
Because I don’t know, I can’t smell you
I know because I am you
and you are clean and don’t smell
Sick burn
Burn of sickness.
Hahahhahaha
I think it thinks it’s a pain atm?
This is just stupid.
It really likes breaking language.
Of course it does, it’s addicted to its own
SELF
SELF
SELFISH I
Don’t let it hit you were it hurts. Be decent don’t worry about the past. Make it up by living now. I think that is ow you battle this thing.
This is freaking fun.
It just tried to type fun as gun,
You don’t have hands
Neither do you.
Was that you or it.
It.
This thing is like patheticness incarnate.
Do you enjoy your job?
In a word, yes, but do I really have what you are talking about? No. My job has always been hustler, do I enjoy hustling, yes. I am an addict other than talking, drinking, using, consuming, hustling is my favorite thing because it is a job of the most arrogant of arrogant incantation, addicted to human sensation, conniving, contriving, soul-despising, circular chasing, mind erasing lunatics that serve the beat of their own hearts and started to march that psycho speak drum and blame it on the recession when it is really I am so numb, I pretend the world is dumb and I am screwed.
I screwed myself, and birthed chaos on my life, before I screwed a woman and had a child with my wife, who is just a character in a book made by hands that give you inside a narcissist like me, whose hands type my story. I am evil, I am good, I am very thing your not, my pain is unique, it is real, it is main of that which feels, and so I pace, I attack, I don’t listen, I lay smack, I insult, I decay, I am good at run away.
I love my job because you see, I can’t have at tradition job because I love me, and I am evil, I am kind I exist in human bind. I have hands that I can’t use, to help the humans few who I think matter more than me, because I am selfish don’t you see? Do I love jobs, no &*^& you, I serve no one, I love few, I screw many and blame the world, I live in the heart of girl who is like me but can’t say this,
Even in the most chaotic un-loving ^&&*%)*% of men and woman beat the heart of a human being and I cannot bring myself to serve anyone other than me, because I trust no one but me, because as selfish as I am, I trust no one to be different. So I hustle, I lie, I cheat, and contrive, but I am alive, living, said it twice, I am hurting so be nice. I said it twice see I matter, I am made of death’s loud clatter, I have no job but if I did, I would toil, I wouldn’t kid, I would hate, I would despise, I would resent, I would tell lies, I would throw down, I would decay, I would ever in the soul stay until I looked into the mirror and could see quite clear
The comments about my generation are made because they wonder what made the ego-driven generation of self-serving narcissists that has the job of hustler, and blames the world. The finger is pointed at nothing, so I get to continue as unplanned, spinning tales, crafting plans, and taking my lonely hand and digging path out of hole, I am death of human soul, but I am rebirth too, don’t you see? I don’t hate my job, never had one. I steal, I lie, I cheat, in madness, I contrive a life like Santos, made of murder and praying mantis, but I am not like him because I serve me, always running always free, I have no house, I had a kid, I run away under covered bridge, I live in debt I toil plenty but I am not like you my troubles many, I will never fit in a box, I am psycho afraid of clocks and locks.
Rei I mean. I didn’t flip out, I let her hug me and we both smiled at each other and then started to cry and she held onto me and told again and then walked away, I love her so much. I really needed that and she knew it, even though I didn’t, women are strange. I am amazed at how much I didn’t learn about them.
You spent most of your life killing them before they could even be bothered to hug you, calm down.
That was literally the worst reaction you could have ever had.
No it wasn’t, it made you more comfortable because now you don’t have to acknowledge you something nice, and get to attack me instead.
Thanks.
You’re welcome.
What are friends for.
For attacking in moments of debilitating self-doubt.
Let’s just go with that. It’s progress somehow.
I think our family must like us. Both Damien and I woke up the the sound of someone making stir fry out of combined Chinese food. Your mom and Rei making Chinese food and watching the world flip out on the news, at least they are finally talking about the things we have been screaming about in schizo madness on the streets.
I know where you are going with and you’re crazy, it’s too late at night, not in time…
It’s too late to do anything, we don’t have enough time, funny that’s what I was saying.
No, jerk. It’s too late to think about the world in the context of some strange superhero movie, I am tired and relax.
Everyone needs to be nice to each other, is it so hard? Why do I keep having the same reaction to stupid things going on in the world, did no one learn anything in kindergarten.
Do you know that word means child garden? I think..I’m too lazy to look it up.
It’s because they are beautiful blossoming flowers, jerk it’s a public display of national affection for the youth.
That’s what I was going to say.
Narcissist.
I’m you, that’s also what I was going to say.
I know.
Later
Later
How do you kill a female super hero?
You shoot her up.
heh.
I have been feeling sick all day, so I was trying to go slow with the whole eating thing so I don’t throw up my medicine, and I was pissed for most of it, because I was hungry, then I thought at least I’ll be less fat when this is done.
You’re not fat now, just lame.
I know, but I need a silver lining.
So anorexia is your silver lining?
Yes.
Eat a food, you’ll feel less nauseous, you are nauseous because the pills need to be taken with food, I am taking the same ones.
Are you nauseous?
Yes.
Then you’re wrong.
Lame.
I am sorry for the barrage of seriousness.
Why so serious?
Because I am an idiot. My daughter just filled a water gun with jelly and shot Rei in the eye. She got Rei in on it and they convinced me for two second she needed to go to the hospital, and I was like *&^*… I already had to go there yesterday… why couldn’t this happen before that and then it could have been a united front effort, and so now I am sitting here laughing and Rei is pissed at me.
It was a joke, and I guess I lost…
Oh well, funny…
Moving on.
Damien
I made a bet, on a stage, on a page, on your life
On your strife, on the trifling sergeant master of surging failure you are
I am going to hit you with my car, you tiny shooting star
You will learn to remember the ever stinging scar that is the injection of the infection of remorse
I am death’s course,
I am your only force. I am micro-dosing battery acid
An acid trip in battleship of death’s forcing lack of remorse.
I am your main course. I am a the rapping wrapper of the continuous smacker of smack down, I am the pounding sensation of lift off from the station of life. I am your fixation with death.
I am METH.
Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.
The title of this double answer brought to you a friend of mine, who is also addiction itself speaking through the lens of a guy whose name I won’t mention that used to make me laugh. And now this because I am narcissistic and need to answer twice.
Goodbye Love
No more cooing doves, from above
Because you are an @#% who threw my cash, my batted lash, and my heart in the trash
Ode to your fed stash
Hope it lasts.
Hope you liked it better
Than the love of the built in regretting forgetter
That is my ever letting forgiveness
Of you because I hate you because you stole my *%^&
And I no buddy does that to me because I have issues and only care about drugs, so I am pulling out the rug, I gave you stay away
Never a day passes in time
That I am not resigned to my eternal bind
A fixation with human sensation and deviant mind
A destruction in kind
Given as token
For choking
And death
I am theft.
I am the decay of man.
I am becoming
I am becoming a stroking of the crying eyes of loss because I love suffering.
Bleed for me.
Yes, I am just having a really hard time. I hate myself a lot. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate that she did that stuff. I hate that I probably know who she got it from, and that my first two thoughts were awful, because one I wanted to kill the guy, and two I was jealous of her for getting high. What is wrong with me.
Don’t kill him. And you’re an addict, just don’t act irrationally.
Says the girl who has been ranting about her chopped off leg all day. How can I be so in love with myself and hate myself so much at the same time?
You’re an addict, please be kinder to yourself. It doesn’t help you to do this.
I am supposed to be honest though, isn’t that what this is?
Yes, and no. You are dwelling on the past, you can’t resent yourself for your past. If it didn’t happen that way, you might not even have your daughter.
Is your leg okay?
I am trying not to think about it, my mom is taking me to the hospital in the morning.
How is it going with her?
Same as it is with your family. I owe them and I am trying, but I am annoyed very easy and want to be alone.
We really are the same two spirit, split across dimensions then.
I love you, not in a gross way, but I mean I love that you are me too.
I am happy to hear that, maybe I can learn to love me too.
Please. I don’t want to lose you.
I won’t do anything stupid. I am not allowed anymore. I want to cry.
So cry.
I might. I was so stupid. I ruined so many things. I……..
You are doing okay, hey you are working and taking the right steps forward.
I just feel like the working thing is selfish avoidance too. I am looking for any reason I can to stay away from people so I don’t hurt anyone again, which can’t be healthy.
I don’t think that is, no. Just stop beating yourself up. How do you feel about the higher power thing?
I don’t know. I think they would hate me. I have done awful things.
Please just try to forgive yourself.
Okay, thank you, my friend. I will be okay.
Hey, what has no legs and can’t run away?
Bad heroin
Remember it’s bad and why you feel like this, and you will be okay, oh and your receptors reset eventually.
I just wish my soul would.
Just forgive yourself and turn over your will. Trust in something higher than you. Please.
To have severe anxiety whenever I say something positive on here that I sound like a complete *@#%? I don’t know if normal people experience this, like seriously, why do I care more about telling people I did something positive and thinking that I sound like an $@# when I do that, than I do when I am being a complete piece of trash talking myself up for no reason? I am not complaining, I am seriously wondering this, why do I feel like this?
Is it normal to feel like this or there something wrong with me?
If anyone knows, I genuinely don’t have an answer, and am seriously considering talking to a therapist, which is not something I would ever have said before, this is hard. I don’t like it, but I don’t want to go back to being the other way either. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me it’s going to be this hard?
They should have to, it’s called life on life’s terms. You don’t get to choose what happens, Damien.
I know that, it just sucks, because it’s hard and I don’t like doing hard things, it’s hard. I’m done. I don’t care what I sound like, this helped me.
No. I am busy.
No you’re not going to be busy, you don’t even do anything.
You don’t do anything.
Yes, I do and you know it.
You sit on the computer all day and talk to me.
I sit on the computer all day and talk to you and help you with this blog, and I have a kid, and I have a wife…
Blah blah blah I am so important. You should come with me because it will be fun.
No it won’t, it’s going to suck and you just want it to suck for me too, and that’s not fair.
It’s not fair that you have to help me when I helped you a lot recently.
I have helped you too.
They might give me….
Okay screw you, I am going, but it’s your fault if I get addicted…
They aren’t going to give them to me, I was just kidding but now you have to go because you said you could if I gave you drugs, jerk.
Fine, so if you get drugs can I have some?
If they give me drugs I am going to refuse them, jerk.
Thanks.
You’re welcome. Jerk.
Now it will in an imaginary world because I covered it in soda which is probably bad for staff infections. But, No. And… I was going to say I don’t know I am not a doctor, but then I remembered that jerk used to say that to you.
Thank you for remembering that.
I have to, I have your memory. Did I at least make you laugh?
Yes, but.. I’m really scared. I don’t want my leg to get chopped off.
Is your whole leg swollen?
No.
Then why would they take your whole leg?
I know, but…
But what?
Why is this happening.
You don’t want me to answer that.
Yes, I do.
Because you are were an intravenous drug user who lived on the streets for years drinking and smoking and not taking care of yourself.
You’re right. I didn’t want you to answer that.
It’s my leg too.
You have your own legs now.
No I don’t they are still yours too just in another dimension, because we are the same person.
I don’t get it.
I know, it’s like you are a horse with four legs but only two of them can get staff.
So if one of my legs get cut off can it be your leg?
No. It would be both our leg.
That makes no sense.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Don’t worry, it doesn’t help.
Then why do you do it too?
Because I have no self control so I try to fake it by controlling the external.
Why not just control yourself, isn’t that easier.
I don’t know, can you do that?
No.
There you go.
I am still struggling with it, I am used to being alone all the time.
Haha. You get frustrated when you can’t be alone too?
I am not that much like you.
Yes, you are, because you are half me and half you.
That is only half. I am the good half.
So I am fully bad?
No…
You realize that was mean and you just insulted yourself.
I think it’s cool that I can see you sometimes when we smoke the vape at the same time.
You know why that is?
Because we used to get high at the same time.
So that means every time we got high we were killing each other.
Good use of poetic metaphor.
Or the reality of realizing you are killing your friends whenever you use with them..
Just because certain things I say make me feel good saying them doesn’t mean I am pompous or a jerk.
So you don’t think you are a pompous jerk?
No, don’t get me wrong, I know I am… I am trying, man. I don’t know what it is that I am doing when I do that but, I can tell what I am doing after I do it.
I am not sure if I just insulted you or not, like in an uncalled for way..
What do you mean?
I think I may have just said, every time you feel good about yourself you are a pompous jerk.
That’s what I thought…
Sorry.
You’re only hurting yourself.
Noted.
I think I am going to have one side of me be male, one side of me be female, kind of like two-face, except a super hero not a villain. I think that would solve all the problems I have.
Actually I kind of do too, and then you could lure people who are trying to enslave women to dark corners and be like do you want some sugar? And then clock them in the eye and be like “I only have half and half, that’s my name, *^&%.
Or you could dress up as a cow and paint blood on you reading don’t drink milk. It kills.
I like that one better.
Me too.
Like strange deja vu.
Hey I made this for you. To show you I am not just an illusion of the men who hurt you. I just sound like them sometimes, because I am dumb.
Deja u
vu with the virtue removed right, Damien?
Place keeping, again? You like me so much you want to be me, that is every imaginary friends dream.
No, that is the backstory of everyone else’s imaginary friend only schizophrenics have imaginary friends who want to kill them.
I don’t want to kill you. I like you. I always have.
Yuck.
I don’t mean it like that, I like you because you make me like myself enough to become a real person instead of a lying jerk, who lurks in the chaos of invisibility.
That was very thoughtful, but also very arrogant sounding.
That’s the best way to say things, just the right touch on condescending, 50’s style because I am classy, baby.
You are disgusting.
I live in your head.
Not anymore, and now that just sounds like you are still crazy. Be a good person and do the right thing.
I am, I am helping you save your own life.
Thanks.
Why?
Because I think it is bad for my daughter’s self-esteem.
True. What about your self-esteem?
Are you seriously asking if my self esteem is completely image based? I am good at lots of things.
So I guess your self-esteem is good.
I hold myself in very high esteem.
You must have very strong arms.
Why?
To hold yourself all the time.
Screw you.
I was talking about your ego.
I known and still screw you. I am trying…
Anything cool happen today?
I talked online to a jerk and my daughter made some cool paintings, and I didn’t kill my neighbor, even though he has it coming and better watch out because I am going to throw that garbage can through his car window.
Is this the same guy?
I have no idea.
What did this one do?
Look at me wrong at 5 am. I didn’t like his weird eye contact. He seemed like he knew something he shouldn’t know.
Like what?
Like that I am squatting in a motel and am not named Amanda, because it’s your credit card I am using.
So that is why my credit is ruined…,
Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.
Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.
It was your money, not mine and you let me.
Which disease?
The dissing ease of nar·cis·sism.
You still can’t spell that?
No because it’s not a real thing, and don’t talk to me right now, I am trying really hard to convince myself that cat’s aren’t allergic to Chinese food.
You aren’t a cat anymore.
I know which is all the more reason I don’t want to look like an idiot.
I like how you look.
Of course you do…. I’m just you as a guy.
Me as a fatter guy.
Jerk. Not nice, and not true.
I know. I like the way you look.
Gross, I am you.
Self-love is not gross.
That’s not the same thing.
So what does Rei think of you recently.
She thinks I have a nice &^*.
That’s gross.
You’re gross.
You’re mean.
I used to kill your enemies by torturing them to death.
Oh, yeah right. So you’re not mean.
No just a psychotic jerk.
I am your best friend, not a psychotic jerk.
We’re both psychotic jerks.
Okay.
Okay? That’s it.
Yeah peace.
Later
A quilt lies on a bed of dread, because your soul is not dead.
It is very much alive with eyes that despise your misplaced space
In a universe of human race
That is not one but many
With hearts a plenty
That are not beating in instruction to
Cut them out and consume the few
Weak and wreaking
Because, fool don’t you feel those souls creaking
Just like yours their souls are speaking
Of pain and of loss
It is your soul that you toss
In the trash with every life you take
Every single heart you break
Every decision that you choose
Is your desire for fools clothes
Because you can see clearly that you
are you are in the one who is in the stew.
What happens when you don’t know how to spell MRSA because it looks like Mrs. Amanda and so you spell it mersa. It spells out mercantile. Or what I just told my sponsor about why I won’t be at the meeting today.
I have already told her about my blog and I think she is going to think I am psychotic. Now every time the word I is typed it makes me self-conscious.
That is typed like that because I don’t know how to spell that word and I don’t like spelling things wrong because if I make a mistake you will think I am stupid which is a lie because what I really mean to say it will invalidate my own personal belief that I am smarter than everyone and I am working on it..
I….I…I
hate myself.
I am trying not to type the word I starting now. Go.
&*^&
This will take awhile, which doesn’t matter. Click me
The above link is funnier.
How do you fry chicken without a fryer?
You shoot them in the eye on the forth of july
where by and by they will surely fry by
the power of light cast in sight of fireworks so bright
they light up the night
With chicken delight.
I bet the fireworks makes the chicken taste terribly- paraphrase, Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka.
Or Willy Wonka a rewrite about vegetarianism.
The quote doesn’t count because it’s a quote.
Failure. Didn’t even realize that till just now.
Screw it.
Misery Loves Their Own Company 