His name was Steve, and he loved to go fast, when cars he would see, he would bark and run past, he loved the ocean and people, because there cars were aplenty, the most he had chased numbered at twenty.

Steve patroled the lot, and loved people, he once chased a couple to a church with a steeple. They were in love and married right there, lucky they were that Steve had chased them with care. He knew not why he wanted to get those people to go, but he chased them, like always and made quite a show, guests for their wedding were gathered by Steve, they did not know each other, but once there did not leave, they gathered and sat for a great reception, and the take away, was that there is more to perception of everything around, there is more to see, and sometimes the universe acts through creatures, like Steve.

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Self-burn, ouch, got yourself.

It is you I am talking to. I said half.

There is no such thing, we are the same human, we just talk to each other, with the same hands.

Ouch.

Cemented in My Memory

I am cemented in the memory of my author, I am cemented in the creator of this image, I am cemented by the creator of this image.

In cement it lay, and forever will it stay.

I am covered over, an image protected and rejected by protection, destroyed by idolization, a picture of objectification, a picture of self-love.

Are you sure that is not just what you are seeing because you project yourself on your interpretation of it?

Exactly.

I am correct.

Exactly.

I am an attack on human soul, by protection of image which in fact eats everything whole, creating the potential for the whole image to become a hole.

Manilla, Manilla, in Vanilla, Vanilla, now just a stain on my brain, you make me insane.

I don’t think the image…

I know, just rambling because I like to hear myself talk.

You are typing.

I am also whispering this to myself, because I am insane.

A journey through MISERY

PUSH
PLUNGER
GO
ON THE EYE OF A NEEDLE
RIGGED WITH SPENDTHRIFT
DEATH

Forgetting is a tragic problem I have, but it is getting better, as my ego dies, and I open my eyes to the fact that I could not see, because I was sick and deranged by a disease strange and prone to mange and change human form, to distort and contort the human body, and make it unrecognizable to the have-

er of one.

I have been know as a chaos chaser of dragons, a pusher of substance, and prayer in holes of foxes, in ditches, in alleyways, a shooter of heroes, and a placer of ins and outs in acts heroic so I can go without doing them, pushing them in with sowing needles that stitch me out and in to a quilted madness in the bed I was making and would have to lie in and lay in, in death.

I have come to a place now where I can go home as well, well too.

This home allows the chaotic night to continue without my pushing assertion of madness, and it is a little quieter minus one night crier night crawler, who now sleeps and dreams.

Who knew real friends are better than imaginary ones? Sometimes it feels like everyone except me knew. I am so psyched I actually have friends now, and they give a **** about me not just because I am providing them some sort of business deal or exchanging some kind of favor for something they have, they are people I can be open and honest with and they are open and honest with me, and actually ****ing like me. I am so psyched. Every day that goes by the amount of people I am connecting with is growing, and I forget that when I am alone for a couple of days, and send myself ping ponging backwards into a land of pain that is not real anymore. I had a friend of mine tell me recently to move on.

I think that is major. I think a lot of what I have been ranting about on here, all the past resentments, were what was killing me. I think the problem was, I thought I was supposed to beat myself up to heal, and I am finding out through the wisdom of others, now that I am being honest that I am not so different from those around me, and it was my own arrogance that was so fatal, not the decisions that I had made. The fact that I was not willing to accept help was what was killing me, not what I had done in the past.

Damien/Amanda

an abortion. I think that is why you were so easily banished from the story, because now I can’t hear you anymore, and I don’t think you are there anymore, and strangely, it feels better, maybe I am learning something after all, not just being an *** online. You were an inner demon.

Rei was Justin, you were their child or the child she could have had with Diane who’s name was Pat.

Demon slayer, I like the sound of that, because demons bug the **** out of me.

Okay, guess I am alone again.

NO YOU’RE NOT JERK

I knew that? But, I guess I forgot.

Of course.

Peace. I am okay now, and everything is about me, and I just hit my vape way too hard. Ow… dizzy.

It was this guy ranting about how prison doesn’t sound that bad

1. Free food
2. Free TV
3. Free tablets
4. Free internet
5. Free place to live

I thought it was hilarious, but then was immediately grasped at the neck by anxiety and asked her why she was showing it to me.

I hate being schizophrenic, I have done nothing that would cause me to worry about this, but that is my instant reaction. I hate being insane. I didn’t snap at her. Small steps.

I would not trade this for anything in the entire world. I am so happy to be able to hear myself think…. I can’t believe the level of peace of knowing that I am not hallucinating, and am lucid, and would never risk losing this. I don’t care about doing drugs ever again. I am normal, well.. as normal as I will ever be, every voice I hear is real. I don’t really even have to talk to my friend anymore because we are merged. Although I still will, love you baby.

I know, but you probably shouldn’t talk to me like you talk to Rei, she doesn’t like it and it is weird anyway.

You think?

Yeah, it sounds… weird… creepy…

Have you always thought that?

Yes, but I liked it. I still kinda do, but not the healthiest thing.

Yeah, true. Talk to you later Amanda, oh wait, now we can talk because we want to, not because we have to.

Really? Like real friends not slaves to each other? That would be great. I always wanted that. I just didn’t know.

Me too. I want you to know, Amanda. I really value this, you are my best friend and…

You are mine too. I don’t need you, but I want you in my life, is that what you are saying?

Yes, thank you. I love you, buddy. Nothing creepy.

Thank you, I love you too Damien. I will talk to you later. Have a good night, and don’t worry we will always be okay. I will always be there too. You are my guardian angel.

Um… is that what this is? What was I before?

Don’t worry about it.

I get it. I am glad I can be the other thing now.

My family finds it funny that I am still insanely jumpy from living outside, so randomly they will scream and I will scream back at them in various explicit ways and then feel like an ***. I am actually grateful they are doing it because it keeps forcing me to apologize after acting out irrationally. I think, even though they don’t admit it, that is why they keep doing it. I used to never apologize for anything, and I think they like hearing me say I am sorry, over and over again, which I guess I owe them.

Oh well…

Damien

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with cart, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments. Kidding.

I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with card, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments.

Heh. I make myself laugh. I just woke up to the universe playing a prank on me, there was an episode of one of those SVU kind of shows on about a guy who’s house burns down and there is 10 grand worth of fireworks in it. It was a hilarious way to wake up. Thank you universe. I love this prompt too.

I would go to a Walmart, Target, BJ’s or mall sort of establishment, that way I could grab a bunch of everything, and I would grab a bunch of everything. Expensive food, cheap junk food, random old toys for five year old kids like Gak, notebooks, candy, clothing, camping gear, microwave pizza, Christmas decoration, basically anything I can find that is cool because I have had literally nothing but the clothes on my back for the past 7 years of my low bottom addict life and I appreciate every item I find.

I am amused by everything as well, not just items. I am very grateful to have survived the hell that has been my self chosen allegory of what not do life.

I go on shopping sprees now anytime I have spare cash, and spend my money in local establishments to pay back those in society I wrong, by the way.

Damien

Hey, that is mean..

I know, but I thought it would get you to talk to me.

Jerk. Fine, here.

I am fine.. I am fine. I am fine. Everything is just ******* peachy. I can’t even feel things anymore lest I resurrect demon. Everything is my ******* fault. I can’t have a genuine response. I am not allowed to.

Geez. You can, just think of the effect on the other people.

I am. That is all I am thinking about right now, I am just going to not do anything, anymore. I am the… I sound like such..

Yeah, I know.

Thanks, I need that.

I know.

That like a just dessert you can eat sinfully, it is gooey, and sticky candy, it taste of marshmallow and is so handy, it is wonderful sticky candy, my dad would make when I was young and my mom had gone for a run to the school, he would do it on Back to School Night, so me and my brother and sister would not fight, we would instead delight in divinity, and he would talk to us about the man in the sky and that when we were lucky enough to go up high we would not have to worry or to cry but delight in the power of pure light.

My mom was an atheist growing up, her trust was rusted, pain dusted, broken, sad, that is why she came to love my dad, but today, I am glad to say she is beginning to know peace, and I hope that some of this is from me, telling her I am sorry, that I meant none of the bad things I said, and that she can rest her head that gave birth to me, instead of soul staining blame disdain, I am trying to remember the pain I caused, so I don’t get lost in ideas of me, and remember she gave me this, the life, the love, desire for bliss.

I thank her everyday now, so she can lay her head down in peace every night, knowing I love her.

I am man with knife that spreads jam on toast instead of man who jams in head the killing knife that was made for bread.

I am man who does not stab but cuts apart, an apple instead of human heart, I have realized with my eyes that see, coming out of insanity, that I do not have to be Amanda I can be free. I am released from human cage, a player now not just on page, I do not have to employ rage, I can instead say this I desire human bliss, I can give love, I can give kiss. I am not supposed to be anything but free to be me. I should have known this from the start but drugs and booze they sedated heart, so I used my name as excuse to die, a perpetual never ending cry out for

MORE MORE MORE

Make yourself a living sore on the heart of yours so that you can be, so safely chained to me, addiction, you see is my maker, my taker, my soul breaker.

I love you so, baby please don’t go. I need you so… I need you please, I am kneeling on bent KNEES
GET ON YOUR KNEES HONEY
MONEY MONEY MONEY
CASH CASH CASH PLEASE

I GET PAID WITH SOUL DISSECTION
I GET PAID WITH VIVISECTION
I BELIEVE IN RESURRECTION

Can it happen for me to, help me God, can you teach me to be more like you instead of Mary? I am sad and this is scary, common God please my soul fix?

It is already I told you this, this is Damien you fool, it’s you. You can do whatever you want to.

What is your middle name? Does it carry any special meaning/significance?
De- it means of.

I will not give out my real name, because as I have said many a time I am insane, and it doesn’t matter anyway. I am changing it so I can stay me, and not DIE because I should have been born a guy, and instead of trying to take out another eye, I have two don’t worry, I am not good at surgery in a hurry, I fail at everything I do, and am a chicken a coup, look at me I made you soup.

Question, answer me,

No, oh baby I love you so, who do you speak to lunatic?

Fire of hearts desire to live, I am my own heart’s kid

Kidding me, that is the epitome of narcissism?

I know, baby you know this, just gotta love myself to avoid

Kiss of death, death

Dragon breath, my name is a riddle and a lie, a puzzle piece in the heat of July, a piece of past that makes me

Die, die, die

Roll me please? I am in dungeon and would like to spend these?

They are spare change, they buy me soul, they buy me parts that rebuild hole sole? They make me learn how to spell it too, so I can learn to say to

My name is Damien de Soto. Today, forever, my other names are broken, and irrelevant.

I played this in real life, with no wagon, sometimes no clothes- don’t ask it rains there a lot. I dried them while naked and unafraid, because all the people on that show are ****** and I would totally win, but probably go to prison afterwards, so obviously they are not going to let me on that show. I think they probably have to do a psych eval before the thing and schizophrenic addict, alcoholic, PTSD narcissists with anger issues and histories of violent arrests don’t pass psych evals.

I would totally win that show though because seriously, I lived in the Oregon dunes during the rainy season for the whole thing, 8 months in total, with nothing during the **** pandemic.

Okay, done with this now. Moving on.

Oh, and all my materials were scavenged and I walked from western to Southern Oregon, and have done the same thing walking from Oregon to Cali. Bam.

Done ego stroking. I am a **** sorry.

Damien and Amanda Fact not fiction.

Start following around members of my town with a boom box that plays classical music and see how long it takes for them to punch me.

I wonder how long it would take, I would try not to make it obvious at first and then… actually I would use a phone instead.. a boombox is too heavy and outdated, and I don’t have either thing because I sold all my possessions to buy drugs anyway.

I would follow them and change the music to be the opposite of what they were doing or play thematic Jaws or Jurassic Park music while they were trying to read. I have tried all this kind of stuff before, it is how you get a really quick trip to jail and very nifty if you need a way out of the rain and free meal. They know I do that now, so they just take me to the psych ward and threaten me with thorzine.

Meh. Oh well.

Damien

There is a line

He’s losing his mind, and I’m reaping all the benefits.

The wedding singer

That makes me laugh, for a horrible reason, I love to watch people become like me, and any time someone loses their mind in the movies I hear Nelson from The Simpsons and think welcome to Misery, ****, we love your company, we being me, myself and I… or the royal we, according to Walter on The Big Lebowski, who is basically me at any diner in the area I live in, and the reason why I can’t go to a lot of them now, **** it. It kind of *****, but is hilarious at the same time. One of the times they threw my drunk *** out I took my friends full plate of fries outside and threw it at the glass door which cracked, and then ran into the bushes and stood their talking myself down for thirty minutes while drinking fire ball to calm down.

Insanity and why I needed to get sober, because I no longer have friends due to all this. They grew tired of the **** as funny as it may have been, it is not safe for those who want to have a life, I guess.

I think I am funny, although I am continuing to try to be less of an ***.

I never thought to do this, but since becoming closer with my family, I have at their willing it on me. They play it, I think they noticed it calms down the mood of the whole environment and they like it. I talk to myself less when it is on because it silences me

hearing me or

me hearing things I think are there

• or singing at objects,
• laughing at nothing
• yelling at nothing,
• Talking about nothing to no one…
• singing to the dog,
• having conversations with cats or the light bulbs
• Loudly cursing
• Talking to shampoo bottles
• Talking to Amanda
• Talking to god or the devil or the universe
• Talking to ghosts or the wind or the rain
• reading things I type on here out loud… etc

What is the last thing you learned?

I think that is why this bothers me so much, maybe. You don’t stop learning until you die. I think that might be a little melodramatic, maybe… I don’t think this website wants to assume they are getting to hear the thoughts of a dying man, which would not be a terrible thing either… I guess…. because then at least… well… someone would get to hear them?

Last thing I learned…

That it is important to follow the rules, so that is why I am re-doing this post…

Along that line of thought, I learned to not be lazy and that I can do an AA day count on my computer and bring it to the meetings that I go to even though I personally don’t like counting days, there is something to be said for the reverence to structure that in this case is my personal revelation that is not personal at all, powered by God and recovery to shut up and listen.

There, I followed the rules.

Peace.

Damien

I have the most bad *** cat in the entire world, he makes weird noises, gets angry really easy and swats you if you don’t do exactly what he wants he doesn’t have a name, we all call him The Guy. He is the best guy in the entire world. He was angry at me last night, so he slept out here in the living room, so I just sang him a song, and pet him and now we are cool again, he made a weird sound and looked at me like he loved me, so I think we have made amends, heh.

I am looking at the painting of a boat right now, it is a rowboat which terrified me as a child, I was always afraid of getting in those, because I don’t know how to do anything, I can swim though, I am just afraid of deep stagnant water, which is why it is the best place to drop dead thoughts or you know things I don’t want to think about like bodies.. or my metaphor for people I should have cared more about and stopped from doing heroin before they ended up dying in their dying parent’s basement. I miss you Sue, you didn’t deserve to die alone and afraid, and that shit was good, but not good enough to be worth never seeing your smiling face again, I loved you so much you fragile creature. You made me feel like a human being for the first time in my whole life……. I hate myself.

Wash. rinse. repeat. I am such a basket case.

I like Cadbury eggs, they are really good.

Peace and love.

Damien

The late hours of the night are so much more peaceful now, thank you God.

I am so grateful to be sitting here, able to get up without people thinking I am going into the bathroom to fire heroin into my arm, I am thankful they are seeing a change in me, because I want so bad for my existence to cause no more pain on this planet, than it already has, thank you God and to anyone who has helped me in any of this.

I am elated to be in the quiet of my house with my family sleeping soundly instead of killing themselves of me killing me, and me being pissed because I think they are being selfish for not wanting my arms to stop being covered with sleeves in the summer when I hate long sleeves but I am cold all the time, no longer.

I am so grateful for this. I am able to type right now instead of having a bed time like a child because I am no longer in a shelter.

I am so happy.

Thank you.

Damien

What is the last thing you learned?

I owe you the sun, the moon, and the stars for being someone who attacked you when you were just trying to help me.

Damien de Soto, last night ***

What does that even mean? Last before what? Last thing before sleep? The last thing before bed yesterday? Last thing I allowed myself to be taught? The last thing I learned in general?

Is this up to interpretation? Is that why it is phrase this way?

What the heck? I don’t get it.

You really think you are better than everyone else don’t you?

Who said that?

You. Just now.

No, I didn’t. And no I don’t.

Yes, you did, it is up there said, by me. That is how…

That is not how that comes across, I was asking for clarity.

You were pointing out a flaw with the question to avoid answering because you are used to being held somewhere under a light and asked questions about drunk or high behavior by police.

This is not a cop asking me this.

Then what is the last thing you learned?

Before bed? I’ll take it that way, which is the only way I can take it.

Yeah?

I learned I am lucky and grateful that I have been gifted the ability and chance to do anything at all because I have lived a life of selfishness and deserve none of this, only being granted it by the grace of God or my higher power.

Thank you, good answer.

That was easy, and rewarding.

Yeah, I know.

Nice mental pat on the back.

I know that too.

Jerk.

Noted.

In going to meetings and listening to the voices of people who sound just like me in recovery, it is giving me such an intense level of inner peace, balancing of course with a complete out of control psychosis, which I will battle all my life, so I am okay with it. I think I am finally coming to terms with who I am, so I am becoming more okay, with the fact that people are not going to always like what I have to say, but if I feel compelled to say it, there must be some reason I have to say it even if the reason is to make a complete *** of myself in front of a whole room of people, which I guess is what they mean by emotional honesty.

I think that is what beginning to make me want this, that I have realized that the people in the rooms of recovery think the same things that I think, they just don’t act on them. I have heard it said clearly in this phrasing,

First thought wrong.

I never got that until recently, because I am psycho and my first thought was never just one thought it was a uni-cycle of several thoughts backing up and going forward playing chicken with a freight train and loving it because I am a dick named Ted who loves the rush, baby. I finally get that, that it was the exhilaration of the fixation on chase dragon that I loved so much and I can get that feeling doing other things that don’t make me physically ill or permanently stretched out across the ground, or bending over in wretched sickness or cause me to lose my mind forever. I am starting to value the sparring changes that come from the sparring I do with individuals in public in my with the intermittent voice of my higher power screaming so loudly…

Just lost train of thought….

Peace and love

Damien

I love the fact that I can wake up and remember things now, and that all my blame placed on mental illness being the only reason behind my flawed memory was really a crock of ****, which is a disgusting image, brought to you by a person who used to be a disgusting image in a different way. I like the fact that I am realizing reality now, that I have always been real and not a fictional character in someone’s story that is actually my ballooned chaos land of lack of accountability for screaming in analogy at real human beings who were so much better at keeping it real than me.

I am working on it and really am enjoying my three dimensional past presenting present dictating future reality gifted to me by the most higher power, that will always be higher than me.

I am trying to be humble during all this too, but I am still the same narcissist, who can at least spell that word now.

I really like spending the morning with my family, actually present and not having to just hide behind false apology. It is extremely peaceful, and I am eternally grateful, even if sometimes I forget it.

With Love,

Damien/Amanda

Thank you to the mental clarity of returning sanity, I never had because I never was an adult not high. I started drinking and using at 13, unbeknownst to those who loved me. I didn’t realize the effect it had on anyone but me because, unlike myself people care about each other, and it was painful to watch someone they loved going through hell wrought by my hands which have a predisposition to fictionalizing pain so I can flush my life down the drain, I am done being the bully, and shoving my own head in the toilet, to vomit life’s medicine of my own undoing into the toilet that was my only shower when I was homeless, metaphorically, I am not that disgusting don’t worry.

I am seeing so much clearer now, and not afraid anymore.

Here is a funny dog, because he is better at dealing with life than me.

Heh.

Damien

It’s pretty sweet, I threw the last one in a river in a psycho delusion that if had it on me that people would come and hurt me, which is ridiculous because they would not know who I was, so they wouldn’t be looking for me, and everyone has ID so it is not like the ID was anything special. I just was being silly, again. I also threw out my phone at the same time, because I thought someone following me, also crazy, and extremely stereotypical.

I hate that I do that sometimes, because it never sounds ridiculous while it is happening, it always feels alarmingly real, to the point that I act irrationally, at least this whole writing it down thing is teaching me to know what is fiction, what is poetic analogy and where my reality lies in the lies I used to accept as truths.

Well aren’t you?

I don’t know, I always thought I was your invisible best friend who everyone hated?

You are that too, love you.

The banana I was eating looks really weird, It had this bark like brown spot on it, I am not sure if I like it anymore.

I like you.

I am glad, because now I like myself again.

I know.

I dug the bad part out of the banana, the whole thing is not bad, just the bad part, it’s gone now. I can eat the rest of it, I don’t have to throw the whole thing in the trash. I like bananas. It would be a shame to waste something that was made by God.

I am not a miss spelling, not there either, baby

I am lame, but maybe I am trying to tell you something

Something true.

I am a sham, a sea gull named life’s last stand, inserted into dying human being.

Listen to me…

Pressing the stressing dressing of the never resting meth head who head is dressed with never rest through pained dressed dance with thoughts of life spent on death

Cash spent on passing glass that reflects life lost or tossed in trash through battery acid soaked lash that hurts so bad it stings my soul or reeking creaking pain hole full of nothing but sin, so I look to Him because I am bad as bad as can be, I am blind man and woman, so arrogant there are two of me. I am in love with self so much I write letters of love to me. You have seen me do it. Do you think that is fun, being that meth spun you spend your life staring into the eyes of yourself hell bent on being anything other than me and feed

feed me drugs, I am a dirty rug,

I am walk on me, baby, I am crazy and will flip out if you do the wrong thing

I am to be feared because I reek of sin, and the only way out is

Trust in Him.

God is my only answer that is a cure to my death ridden soul.

Owl City-“Shooting Star”

I made friends with foxes because we used to pray the same way in the same holes, not the same way, I am a human being who cannot speak animal neigh

I am a lunatic who stares at the moon and dreams of clear streams that are for swimming not fire and speed. I am the lack of blood on arms that were charmed enough to live not charmed but gifted by the lifting of chosen curse or eating dirt, because child heart I am also arrogant as Hell. I aim to tell you things because I like to talk because I am a narcissist who made a choice that if I am addicted to my own voice, why not at least say something good?

Owl City-“Shooting Star”

Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are tonight

Instead lies for crying eyes who hand me DRUGS, I am stronger than street thugs, but weaker too, a lot of them sell drugs to feed families, I shot heroin to commit calamities, acting out of complete insanity, I am vanity on a death terror ride, through illusion cycling through past for you, so you can see what I say and not go where I went and do what I did, because I don’t kid, I am kid who got saved by my creator, I am a pained footed waiter, not a metaphor an admission. I am just one suffering addiction speaking divine inspired truth that is inspired by God.He saved me.

I do not want to preach or teach, just simply save lives, by screaming the whole jails institutions death thing is real

and I feel un-punctuated and so elated by getting to tell you this.

Do not take death’s kiss people love you, please stay, if you listen to any of my psycho ego babble, I am playing scrabble with apples with words for you. I want you to know wherever you go, whatever you do, just say no to drugs, I want much more for you, because I love you and don’t even know you. Imagine how those who know you feel.

Love yourself. We recover.

Damien/Amanda

In flames there are pained brains called human stains or life down drains or really brains the ignite with the light fire of soul and burning dark hole. I stand in land of fiction with addiction to chaotic friction, a psycho-active highly impacting ever attracting sensation of the burning of lack

Or of massive attack on heart attack due to speed

Do you feel the need to cry out in pain life down the drain or to hope to some foxhole style prayer that your God is there?

He is. Get out. I know he is.

He lives he is. You are wrong.

I am a song. I am lyrics spent on lament.

You are hell bent on attacking when it is you that are lacking, lacking soul

Creek of door wanting some that it

Come As You Are, Nirvana

lacks. You are sacked. You are packed you are shipped with delivery to Hell where you will forever dwell, disease. I bend you to knees,

Please baby. Please. See how it feels? I am the imitator of the psycho faker who really is SATAN. I make fun to shun the evil one.

I am powered by God. I am love. I am human being in the act of being inspired by love and hope and trust. I am the idea that Hell is DUST.

I am forever trust in Him and don’t give in to pain.

I am never complain.

I am arrogant too. I am sinful just like you. I am the face of fallen man, trying to learn how to stand. I am woman trying to roar, while forgetting it is a higher power that gives wings to human’s that are sore.

I am world tour of misery, by misers, sent by fire firing fire desire.

They are fired. By me. I am free. I want you to see clearly, I love you put joy in all you do, if nothing else is true be you, and alive and dance no jive with death. I don’t mind what you believe. I am free, I need to see clearly through speech, I aim not to taunt or preach just to reach out with my story, all though it might be gory I am trying to find His Glory.

I do not want to enforce, I am done with the act of firing torch. I want to spread love, but it doesn’t matter what I want. I write to you. It is up to you.

I am food for thought. I am misery taught, joy born addict no longer dying scorn.

Repeating phrase of mental malaise, do you like pain with your eggs?

No I like eggs with my legs, or pegs in my kegs. I like to drain drain drain

Pain down the drain drain drain so it doesn’t stain stain stain

Because I have a hole in my soul or sole because you can’t have a hole in a soul

I am unreal feeling, concealing an appealing revealing of

Narcissism revealed in a panicked attack on the idea of lack

Because I lack nothing I am the all powerful liar because I am not powerful at all

I am an exorcism of personal demons powered by alcohol

and DRUGS

I am the pain of face dragged across filthy rug

How is that staph infection treating you Damien/Amanda

or Human STAIN

I am in your brain and my name is stain, my name is sin. I come from within because you are corrupted

But you are not to be trusted. Listen to me, I am Damien/Amanda mentally ill but psycho active and free from misery or thee.

End

Slam

Narcissism at its finest woo! Now I get to feel like **** for a bit as a punishment for vanity.

I am an idiot.

I am also insane-ly

LIAR LIAR

Shut up, ****

Good at self-pity isn’t it pretty?

No.

I am the flowing go of white snow.

No.

I feel like I am going to throw up and thinking about drugs makes it worse so I do it more?

Mental illness at it’s finest

I guess… fine with me because it has to be I guess..

Or it is so it is.

Acceptance.

On a side note, does anyone find it slightly disturbing that a plane has an area called cockpit?

I am listening to the news and just realized the horror in that phrase.

What are three objects you couldn’t live without?

The Beatles “Michelle”

Ma belle These are words that go together well.-The Beatles “Michelle”

This computer, shoes, and a my nicotine vape pen. I am sayin’ that even though I have lived without everything, except air and heartbeat, because I am not going to be arrogant enough to count time in a coma from overdoses, or induced coma from surgery or un-induced coma from seizures from hydrocephalus as living at all. I am using living to mean living well here.

I am also assuming that food water and oxygen don’t have to be the answer because duh.

I am sorry for my sarcasm, my stomach hurts.

I am really really doing a lot better, so I am being more of an *** because I am regaining confidence in myself which sometimes manifests in me as acting like a self-involved ***.

I say the three objects I said, because I

1. By this computer, I mean a computer, even though this computer, my families computer, Amanda’s families computer is also symbolic and saving our life too, being forgiveness, love, care and acceptance symbolized.
2. Love the outdoors, am constantly pacing around, am prone to injury and infection, am done living as a crying dying lying shoe-less drug addict mad man with glass in my hand, my brain and my feet from the ground.
3. Nicotine helps with the prescription that though self-prescribed is better than alcohol, heroin, meth, cocaine, pot, molly, acid, dmt, prescription pain meds, muscle relaxers, drinking water to intoxicate, running till I almost die, and holding my breathe till I experience death or euphoria.

I want to add, that this website is as always, saving my life, as well as Amanda’s through and with me, and separate from me all at the same time. I love every single one of you.

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Don mcclean

Don McLean Starry Starry Night, Ode to Vincent Van Gogh

So now it happened during the day while I was awake enough to get my *** up and run with her, mind you I don’t know how the **** we did it. She was watching me, while I was on here, and I didn’t know it. I was posting things online for a friend of mine who I help manage her small business, she is an awesome woman. One of the best friends anyone could ask for. She also knows a lot about antiques and vintage everything. Anyway, so I am sitting here e·mersed in trying to find things, looking through other peoples written work, whatever… I don’t know and I can feel her looking at me, she has this eerie way of looking through me, as if she can see into my soul, and I got weird about it, made some sort of strange face, and I think we switched bodies for a second, you know like that stupid movie from the seventies not the movie with Lohan, but the original one?

Yeah, I remember, Damien.

Cool you heard me. I was freaking out so I thought it be nice to say hi.

Gotcha.

She looked at me and I felt her feelings, I felt how she was afraid in the same way I am afraid of her, that she was afraid of me, not liking her… that her introversion was my introversion and it was only a second, but I feel like I know her so much better, I trust her completely. She is like me 2.0, wow… narcissism…

Gross.

Later.

Damien.

I am the idea of own.

I am my own soul.

I am the one who digs hole.

I am the one who makes whole.

I have no legs so I can’t stand.

It’s just attacking itself now.

I know.

I can’t believe all we missed while being idiots and hurting ourselves and everyone around us when it is so simple just do positive things and don’t do negative things and even if it is hard, it will get easier and easier to break a sad cycle of romantic attraction to pain.

I know right?

I expected a snide remark

Did I disappoint you?

Kinda

You smell weird

Because why?

Because I don’t know, I can’t smell you

I know because I am you

and you are clean and don’t smell

Sick burn

Burn of sickness.

Hahahhahaha