I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
Category: good vibes
Kiss me, baby.
Kiss me with sun, kiss me with act of spinning, spinning, un-spun, re-wrung.
Who were you then?
Who are you now?
I am swirling chaos, I am up and down.
Do you see time?
Does it see you?
It is present in all things you do.
I am a negative, I am an item.
I am time, the world re-arranged.
I am strange.
I am earth shattering negative of a world that glows in the dark, the beauty of night in light that is stark. The call of night bird, or hooting of owl, the howl of a coyote, or looking far south, I am looking away from star, and light of the moon, I am the coming of deep and troubling monsoon. I am the coming of winter, felt always and never.
I am the act of swimming while remembering December. I am the act of continuing in time that moves on, I am a song, I am droning on and on.
Vanilla, the Chihuahua, was a very fast dog, it ran back and forth, all the day long, it liked to bark, to yip and to bite, and it was not out of character for it to get in a fight, it would bark, yip, and scream, at all passers-by, and if you got too close, you would have to watch with your eye.
The dog was not above going through any activity and would get fed, and needs met, it was good at productivity, it had a routine, it would do all day long, and believe it or not, it could even pretend at human sung song. It was good at panhandling, good at obtaining a meal, good at making people watch and making people feel, its owner much appreciated not having to steal, it loved the dogs joyous running, and barking and glee, happy to have something with to peacefully be, they made quite a couple, a joyous connection, and at night they slept beyond police detection.
His name was Steve, and he loved to go fast, when cars he would see, he would bark and run past, he loved the ocean and people, because there cars were aplenty, the most he had chased numbered at twenty.
Steve patroled the lot, and loved people, he once chased a couple to a church with a steeple. They were in love and married right there, lucky they were that Steve had chased them with care. He knew not why he wanted to get those people to go, but he chased them, like always and made quite a show, guests for their wedding were gathered by Steve, they did not know each other, but once there did not leave, they gathered and sat for a great reception, and the take away, was that there is more to perception of everything around, there is more to see, and sometimes the universe acts through creatures, like Steve.
I went on a walk once, moving at a fixed pace, was walking for clarity, for clear mind and meditative space, thinking about my life, I passed a set place, with picnic basket and mirror, which reflected my face. There were no people present, no one in sight, I looked all around, and though light was still bright, I could not find them, they seemed to have gone, all they left was a mirror, set with lyrics from a song.
The song spoke of Grace, a girl with given name, and how she meditated on fire, and focused on flame. she would look at the light that would cast on her face, and in that place, she would see amazing grace.
Self-burn, ouch, got yourself.
It is you I am talking to. I said half.
There is no such thing, we are the same human, we just talk to each other, with the same hands.
I love you like the sun loves flowers, how the rain loves the soil, I love you forever and ever, and hope you never forget this, with you reality is just like this, the kiss of pure bliss.
She was a gardener with beautiful flowers, she grew flowers of Joy, they grew in an un-fenced area, and were aided by methods she did employ.
Flowers grew there freely, and were open to the light of the sun, they were not fenced in, and were in site and in sight for everyone.
She did not fence in her flowers, as that would hamper the sun, the sons of man and of woman, as her flowers were for everyone.
I am reading something that made me think of you, and how you talk to yourself, and how we talk to each other, even though it is mostly joking, you are always being mean to yourself, and saying things before other people get a chance to say them. The things you say about yourself even if they are sarcastic are usually mean, please stop doing it.
It is force of habit, and the voice of the other person that lives in our head.
I know it’s force of habit, but please try to stop doing it. I am going to try to stop doing it to. I like you, and you like me, leave it at that for now.
I think we should try writing positive things to each other, maybe I can do it that way. It is hard for me to say anything positive about me.
You are the Goddess of the Rivers made of stardust, and light, you are a creature of reflection and of dancing in the night. You come to those who are drowning, and addictied to act of fight, you are creature of pure reflection, and save the infected, sick and addicted to spite.
I meditate on you often, even though I do not quite understand, being a creature of habit, I am sure of one thing only, and that is,
I do not understand you right-ly.
I am not saint-ly.
I am a liar and a theif.
I am a creature of swamps and of things that dwell beneath.
You are a Goddess that is above me, and so I am stuck looking at the skies, but it is hard to not go below, I am a creature with downcast eyes.
I am dumb
Look at me
I am dumb
I can’t see
Just spilled soup all over my hands, so obviously that is everyone else’s fault not mine… hahahaahahah.
Guess who is still winning….
Jab. Ow. You got me. I was trying to talk to you anyway.
I am glad, I was having fun watching you burn yourself, and felt bad about it.
I still have tools, they are on loan, they have been given to me as long as I cast no more stones, I am allowed to have them… I think…. I hope.. I pray as long as I stay away from things that make me stay away from good.
I am should. I am could. I am do. I am no longer used for use but to be used by things higher than I could ever be.
I am give, I am live. I am going to do what I should to protect my soul.
I am no longer drink but think.
I am no longer drink but think.
I am no longer drink but think.
I used to believe in luck, and my ability be flying through life on the wings of a plane, that was going down, to the ground, burning till I realized, I could jump off the plane, and trust, that I need not be a brain that was covered in rust, I could get clean by rain that was brought by trust, that all I needed to do is look up, and see what was above me. I am not the highest thing, I may have been higher than anything, but I was falling fast, and rather be destined to crash.. I realized that I had to make my life last and grab onto something that would make things last.
I now believe in faith, or simply have it I guess, and so when my mind is unrest, I do not feel pain in my chest, or find myself compelled to undertake dark quest for something ripped out of devil chest, I simply trust in something higher than fire could ever make me, and I am finally realizing that is greatly
More peace-bringing than luck and a dedication to an empire fueled by fire driven desire could ever make me in a million years.
I used to play Mario, and have hissy fits at the screen when I would lose, I hated it, but everyone liked it, so I would play it and almost break the game system, and ruin it for everyone else. I was never a very happy child.
Everyone else would sit there laughing at making jokes, enjoying the thrill of the game, and I would be thinking about stealing wine from downstairs, because Mario made me so freaking nervous. I was always running of cliffs or jumping into the Goombas, hands shaking with anger or nervousness, and then running away to go find alcohol downstairs. I was 13.
My entire life as far as I can remember, has been very much like this game, a chaotic running into Goombas, or dealers, or cops, or people who want to kick my *** because I ripped them off, or my family mad because I spent all my money on things that no one should spend any of their money on.
I am happy today because I literally forgot, today is my 90th day sober and clean. I am so consumed with being happy about other things, I forgot I was not drinking or doing drugs.
I have never known happiness like this. It cost me nothing, and I can have it by not buying things I didn’t need, if I keep doing the right thing, which makes me feel good anyway.
Goa Tourism has been conferred with the “Best State for Tourism” award at the Economic Times Travel and Tourism Conclave and Awards 2023 held in Delhi on 16th March. Source : travelandtourworld
I felt I needed to share this, I have had many of my friends, tell me about the unseen beauty of India, and how it gets missed by the inaccurate one dimensional view of such a complex area, with such unknown beauty. This article does well to highlight this, check it out, if you feel so inclined.
A journey through MISERY
PUSH PLUNGER GO ON THE EYE OF A NEEDLE RIGGED WITH SPENDTHRIFT DEATH
Forgetting is a tragic problem I have, but it is getting better, as my ego dies, and I open my eyes to the fact that I could not see, because I was sick and deranged by a disease strange and prone to mange and change human form, to distort and contort the human body, and make it unrecognizable to the have-
er of one.
I have been know as a chaos chaser of dragons, a pusher of substance, and prayer in holes of foxes, in ditches, in alleyways, a shooter of heroes, and a placer of ins and outs in acts heroic so I can go without doing them, pushing them in with sowing needles that stitch me out and in to a quilted madness in the bed I was making and would have to lie in and lay in, in death.
I have come to a place now where I can go home as well, well too.
This home allows the chaotic night to continue without my pushing assertion of madness, and it is a little quieter minus one night crier night crawler, who now sleeps and dreams.
DUDE. NO WAY. I KNOW I JUST ANSWERED THIS BUT **** my other answer, I did not remember this when posting it.
THIS RULES. I AM NOT FAILING TODAY!
I used to spend so much time talking and none listening. Don’t get me wrong, I am on here all the time writing all day. I know that is talking, but I enjoy listening so much more than talking to myself, or even writing. I am starting to think differently about the words I write on here, as being tools to establish connections with human beings that are out there somewhere, that I cannot see, without these words on this screen. This has brought me so much peace, in a world that used to be dominated by chaos, and I owe that to everything outside myself. I am so glad I decided to let go of everything and trust something outside myself to guide me to something better, that I have never known before.
Thank you, all of you.
You as always continue to paint my world with color when it used to be a world of darkness and despair.
I find myself
Staring up at the sky a lot now, realizing how much time
Meditating on ground and sensations of going down
Underneath the dirt and bugs, and now with embrace from the master of all space and time I am free to migrate up, and drink from cups of water again, and have friends and hands that are not my own, because I am free to own nothing and everything at once, in a state of sharing an existence in stance with a oneness that I do not even understand because I am not supposed to because I am one of many, and we are all one of one.
I love all of you.
The biggest compliment I have ever received, I have received over and over recently, because I am a person of doing something either very hard or not at all, and such is my life because the universe tends to speak to me in voices I can understand, which is convenient, and speaks to the wisdom inherent in a universe that is so much wiser than me, who knew? I am not the smartest person in the universe?
Sorry, sarcasm helps me deal with having to admit weakness, which I am learning is a strength. A bunch of my friends, who are a compliment in and of themselves, for being my friends, have paid me the compliment of understanding me more than I understood myself, and having patience with the fact that I am an ***. They like me for who I am, that is the best thing in the entire world, and a couple of them today, told me that over coffee, while we talked about our lives, and we all actually listened to each other, instead of just waiting to cut each other off, like my other friends used to. I like the new friends I have so much better, because I have started to connect with people with the condition that they have to be people like me, sober and clean people, who don’t do the things I don’t want to be around. Those people have become the best friends I could ever ask for and continue to compliment me just by continuing to want to hang out with me with no motive to gain anything other than company.
Here is to not hanging out with misery anymore, I prefer the company of the angels of mercy so much more, so much more entertaining than the misery demons that populated the chaotic streets. Entertaining angels is so much better.
I am the split of two souls
I have always felt like I am being a girl/I have always felt like a guy.
I have been fighting myself dilated through two universe, a narcissist but also a hater of myself, psychotic two spirit with soul split in misery and dilated through drugs, dumb, and blind because I chose to be, but I am really two spirits second chance, they are in this together fighting for redemption. They are two souls that would have been in misery without each other.
I am a chaotic mad chasing, not of nothing but of my own self, which existed with me the whole time, I was just too arrogant to see that my higher power had given me something different. Thankful for today. I will no longer use this to change my voice and commit petty crime.
I can die later, when it wants me to, only it knows that.
I realize now why this was done, we were both so arrogant we needed to be brought to our knees. We did this in psychosis, the only way we knew how a narcissist drowning in life trying to be with themselves. I can live with myself now because me and Amanda or Damien and I are the same person. BAM. Thank you, to a power higher than for teaching me the hard way, the only way I would listen.
I have heard this in my head for a long time. I have always wondered what it means. I do not know why I hear it, but I am starting to be able to venture towards some sort of a guess. I think most of my life I have used my ability to use words to get people to do things that facilitate my addiction. I was a manipulator of the human word, serving myself in heaped on pain through being chained to a misery god that desired only my suffering. I did not realize this at the time. I thought it was giving me the ability to survive. I did not realize it was quite the opposite. It was trying to keep me just alive enough and feeding on my suffering while something else, something good kept me alive. I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.
I have a very backwards way of thinking, or I did. Now I don’t.
I want now only to bring kindness into this world. It does not make sense to do otherwise.
I am free. I am so happy.
I am running not from something, but through the earth. I have the ability to move quicker, in my mind anyway than I had before when I was getting high, I realize now how much it was making me slower, I was just slowing down the processes of my mind, which is stupid because this feels amazing. I do not have to worry about anything, because I am no longer doing anything wrong, I can just walk through life unperturbed by anything, seeing everything in clarity instead of the dull blur of drug and alcohol induced psychosis. I notice everything, and am able to act naturally without agonizing over anything anymore, now don’t get me wrong, I remember who I am and that this feeling will pass, but I know I will not forget this feeling. I will not be tempted to go back. I am done now, I have realized that I have something in me that is more valuable than any temporary high, I can choose to be whatever I want now.
I am free, released from the chains of addiction, no longer shackled to a life bound to a misery demon. I have had my mind cleansed, and I owe that to the earth, the sky, the stars, everything around me and above me, that was screaming at me to come back and do the sensible thing, be the human being I was meant to be, not the chaotic screaming infant dying in perpetual spinning spun hissy fit of life coming undone. I am so happy.
There are those of us that are different, gifted with ability of rapid sight that scan through rooms, noticing everything at once, we are the known as the paranoid and delusional to those who do not understand what we are doing, when lucid, we are scanning, filling everything that is ordinary, rapidly, because in our paranoid madness, this is an essential survival tool, learning at rapid speed, what to avoid to avoid, the chaotic stripping our minds every time we have a mental breakdown.
I am in a store, and now with sobriety, I have the ability to see everything clearly with the calmness of mindful meditation, this is a super power, which is exhilarating in a way that being high never was, because I am experiencing life at rapid speed, far different from the chaotic drain circling of my madness before, this is a roller coaster through life where everything is bursting with vibrant color, coming to life all at once, and I can hear and see everything simultaneously. I am never getting high again. This is the most high I have ever felt in my life, I see everything all at once, but also individually, and I realize now how much I was causing my own pain before, how deeply I was damaging my mind.
I am free, unshackled, and it is amazing.
Thank you, to all that is higher than I ever will be, the earth, the air the stars, the life in everything all around me breathing with me all at once, you are my highest power, the force of life that pounds in my chest, I do not know why I was so blind before, but now I see clearly.
Who knew real friends are better than imaginary ones? Sometimes it feels like everyone except me knew. I am so psyched I actually have friends now, and they give a **** about me not just because I am providing them some sort of business deal or exchanging some kind of favor for something they have, they are people I can be open and honest with and they are open and honest with me, and actually ****ing like me. I am so psyched. Every day that goes by the amount of people I am connecting with is growing, and I forget that when I am alone for a couple of days, and send myself ping ponging backwards into a land of pain that is not real anymore. I had a friend of mine tell me recently to move on.
I think that is major. I think a lot of what I have been ranting about on here, all the past resentments, were what was killing me. I think the problem was, I thought I was supposed to beat myself up to heal, and I am finding out through the wisdom of others, now that I am being honest that I am not so different from those around me, and it was my own arrogance that was so fatal, not the decisions that I had made. The fact that I was not willing to accept help was what was killing me, not what I had done in the past.
The sound of automation is mesmerizing, the clicking, the shuffling, the beeping the whirring, shoving and blended talking of all those on the train, who do not know me, and don’t know anything about my past. They have no judgement of me, preconceived or otherwise, busy with their own business. I fade into the background, and watch a world I left behind for a dance with a siren who wanted to rip my soul from my eyes.
My eyes are free now, and look around, not dominated by watching her, they are free to be their own, not called to the service of a master, they watch as the passengers go about their quiet business, and I am inspired by their composure, ability to be so normal, the train is a zen garden of little people, not screaming in overinflated hot blow up doll chaos, they keep to themselves, and I keep to mine, in my mind. I am thinking about leaving this place, misery, and doing something else, thinking and sure that this time, I mean it, because she should not own my words anymore.
I am going to board a new train of thought, and then hopefully get myself together enough to go on a train and do something else.
I am learning that I was stuck in a cycle, going down the drain, a cycle that I am not out of, but aware of now. I am still in the cycle, I just can catch myself when I realize I am about to disappear down the drain, the whole honesty thing is really powerful. I am crazy so I really believed I was doomed and would always be alone, stuck in my psycho delusions, ranting to myself about not being at fault, knowing that it was my weakness, and desire to assert instead of show strength that caused my drain circling. I am learning that like this metaphor, such is my life. I figured out through everything going on with me, that I am able to let poison out and let it go down the drain without having to go down the drain completely, myself. I am a human being and there are no drains that fit human beings down them, because that is not necessary.
I know this after the chaotic torture fest that has been the contents of this blog. I am so thankful I did this, I don’t think I would be alive right now if I had not written this down, and am thankful every day, for all of you, all of this, and a life that is very much worth starting over.
My dog left me, she stayed with my ex, not my last ex, but the one before. She had a sister, and they never had been separated, so I let my ex not the last one, but the other one. The one before.
I tell myself she left me, forgetting the drive to drop her off at my ex’s house, and how dogs can’t drive, but neither can I. I did not choose that and neither did she. She was too wild and free for where I stay currently, and it is metaphoric in a way my choice to stay away, chained as I was to addiction, locking myself in a metaphoric hotel that represented the real hell of once being in a real hotel with the devil who is really my ex-boyfriend who wanted me to be everything I was not so much so, I realized everything I was not.
The dog who sits next to me now, knows all this, somehow or I feel she does. I came here, and was initially… I am ashamed to say bothered by her.. a tragic reminder of what I lost, as if it was something I owned.
I own no dog, but no one ever does, and the souls of the dogs of this world are very much the same in all their subtle differences, radiating love, unable to be felt by human beings because of their innate trust that only goes away if you are bad to them.
Reflecting on this makes me realize I did the right thing for you, my dear Fiona, and I love my mother’s dog the same way now that I still love you.
an abortion. I think that is why you were so easily banished from the story, because now I can’t hear you anymore, and I don’t think you are there anymore, and strangely, it feels better, maybe I am learning something after all, not just being an *** online. You were an inner demon.
Rei was Justin, you were their child or the child she could have had with Diane who’s name was Pat.
Demon slayer, I like the sound of that, because demons bug the **** out of me.
Okay, guess I am alone again.
NO YOU’RE NOT JERK
I knew that? But, I guess I forgot.
Peace. I am okay now, and everything is about me, and I just hit my vape way too hard. Ow… dizzy.
I am finally beginning to like myself for the first time in my entire life. I have never liked myself my entire life, I did not realize this till just recently, I hated me, so I was constantly defending myself to myself, I did not realize these were not always schizophrenia, but personal demons that were very different than the voices, they are easier to deal with and have started to subside now that I have begun to remove the toxicity from myself and my life. I am so happy to be free of all this. I am so happy to be free from everything that was making me so miserable, every day, and it’s so silly because a lot of it was me doing it to my own self. I realize that now, but the thing is the position I was in was partially responsible for everything I felt, not in the taking away accountability from me kind of way.
I am accountable for all the things I have done, but that does not mean I need to destroy myself over it and resent others for the things I am doing to myself, with my own hands. I am sorry to those that are hurt by me, to those who I metaphorically killed, because I am not a real serial killer, just a personification of addiction and manifestation of the guilt of an addict who did not realize how much they did not have to put a mask on the truth that they blame themselves for everything.
I was Amanda, but I am becoming myself, Damien de Soto, take it or leave it. I have never killed anyone, just facilitated the death of addicts through never saying stop using when we were getting high together, my daughter is real to me, in my world of future, but she is not real for Amanda yet, and I hope you understand what I mean by that I was not lying when I said anything I said, but rebuilding a soul for a life that I thought was already over, as Amanda and built for me, her future self, I am very much real because these are her real thoughts and feelings, and my family represents families she just recently new and one specific child who she never stood up for because she was getting drugs from their parent.
When asking what I did about my daughter, I was relieving a past feeling of resentment. Amanda called child protection services on someone who she had dealt with in the past, because she did not like what was going on in that house, and she and I were asking the universe if it was done out of resentment or if that was truly the right way to handle it. I think it was, she secretly does too, we both hope the kid is alright, although we never followed up to see if they responded to our call.
Thank you for your support it means the world.
Damien and Amanda, but mostly Damien.
I just went to a meeting, and had the most intense experience I have had in my entire adult life, better than any high I have ever experienced, better than any good day, any high, any feeling I ever had that was what I thought of as love, I am amazed at the power of just being honest right now, and was just lifted up by an entire room of people who are my friends now, and I didn’t even realize it. They care about me, and actually like me as a person, and I have never had that in my entire life. I have never had friends that weren’t business associates that were tied to a life of well… you know. I am blown away by the power that honesty has. I am so free right now, from everything that was racing through my head yesterday. I think I am beginning to understand what the whole serenity thing means.
I realized that a lot of the time, I get caught and stuck on something,
They tell you not forget the past, so I got over-focused on it. I think I am realizing that there is a middle ground for me, and I see it, and it is great. I feel so much better now. I am finally beginning to feel like there is hope for me after all. I am so happy, but will inevitably be back and forth about this, I am told that is normal.
Thank you for listening to me.
It means the world.
It was this guy ranting about how prison doesn’t sound that bad
Free place to live
I thought it was hilarious, but then was immediately grasped at the neck by anxiety and asked her why she was showing it to me.
I hate being schizophrenic, I have done nothing that would cause me to worry about this, but that is my instant reaction. I hate being insane. I didn’t snap at her. Small steps.
I didn’t realize until very recently, the mental shackles I always had on. I thought I was so free running through live without an obligation, and not obliged to help anyone, making no ties with anyone, so they couldn’t do anything to infringe on my freedom, the most valuable thing to me. I don’t think I have ever understood what the word freedom even means. I thought myself free because I had nothing, no obligations, no friends, no home and thought I was the most free person in the entire world. I was so wrong, man. I was the most shackled person in the entire world, I was chained to something that wanted me completely alone.
It wanted me to hate myself, telling me I was insane for feelings of being someone born in the wrong body, telling me everyone hated me, that I was wrong about everything, my taste in everything was a symptom of mental illness, had me believing I was not someone worth saving because I was not worth it.
My resentment of the whole thing has caused me recently to lash out about it at meetings and I have been met with the strangest thing. I expected to be shut down, put in my place and then told that I had to bend to some system, to which I was to be shackled and inevitably fail at upholding. The strangest thing I experienced recently, is that I was completely wrong. I know that is weird to say now, but I didn’t feel that way before today. I thought my life of deviant behavior was met with the punishment of sobriety. I even felt like this when saying things that sounded inherently positive on here, thinking myself just lucky to be alive and bending over and doing whatever they said to do like some lost dog.
I know now I have been freed today, and the rest of my life, by the realization that the shackles came from resentment not the meetings, and they were taken off by sobriety and the meetings I am going to that are saving my life, by letting me know that I am not unique, I did not fail in any unique way. That is amazing. It is not a punishment to be where I am, it is a very rare gift, and I am so thankful for it. I have a friend in every individual in the rooms of recovery, because even in all our uniqueness we are so very much the same, and they accept me instantly, without excuses. I don’t know what to say. I am so happy to have realized this before I killed myself over the guilt I felt.
I will inevitably go back and forth about this, but I know this in the back of my mind now, and it has saved my life in amazing ways, thank you to everything and everyone that helped me get there.
I have been really struggling with what to do with every aspect of my life, I am having a hard time because I used to drink and do drugs to deal with anxiety about things that I felt like were problems that were unique to me, because my life is so much harder than everyone else’s blah blah blah. I had all this rationale that was really not rational at all building up my life to be this chaotic problem that no one else could ever understand.
I used to never talk in the meetings, I didn’t want to join in, didn’t want to talk to anyone and have them tell me anything because I don’t like being told what to do, and I fear conflict because I am prone to biting off heads when I don’t like what people have to say. I am learning recently this time around that the reason I always start drinking or using again on day 61 was because at that point it got boring sitting and listening and not participating, so I would do the same thing, thinking I was cured and could do it on my own, I would go try some controlled drinking and then I would try some controlled getting high, and eventually I would end up wondering what the heck happened. I realize this now because I have gotten farther with whole thing.
I thought there was something broken about me that was very specific to me, I think I have realized the thing that was broken was I was just not being honest, I was trying to do the whole thing my way like I always do and my way sucks. I am really appreciating people calling me on my **** recently and even though it originally made me angry, I want everyone and anyone to know they are saving my life every day.
I really thought I was not save-able. I didn’t know it was just because I wasn’t listening…
Thank you to those on here and those who were just in the room with me elsewhere, you helped me more than you know.
I just thought, well.. at least… today is the first day my wife will not wake up to me crying and feeling sorry for myself… heh…
That is freakin’ sad.
This cat is the best cat in the entire world. He makes all these weird non-traditional cat noises, and reminds me of a different cat Amanda had once, that met a tragic end, and no I didn’t kill it. It died when her apartment burned down, she lived above a restaurant and the place burned down because someone left something on… it was freakin’ horrific and a lot of what caused the chaos of the past 10 years.
I like her brother, he is cool. He is a very peaceful person, I admire that so much, he brings peace to all conversations he participates in.
I am feeling better, after all the confessing in vomit thrown at the pages of this thing. I am thinking that if nothing else, at least this is helping me attempt something that I never thought I would, the making amends thing always scared me so much, I think it is the reason I just kept drinking or using, but I am realizing that the process I was in was just slow suicide and it was hurting those who happen to grace me with their presence. I am trying to focus on the positive and bring no more negative with my continued presence on this earth, I figure if the universe was kind enough to spare me, I might as well, try as hard as I can to make it worth it for it to have done so.
I am not saying anything about deserving any of this, I don’t deserve anything, but I will take whatever I can get. I am desperate at this point, to do anything I can to not be the same ***. I am so sorry for everything. I wish I could turn back time and undo all the pain that I caused, but I can’t so I am doing the best I can to fix what I can, and not break anything else. I am learning to appreciate what I have and not at all, because I think I deserve it, I don’t deserve any of this, quite the opposite.
My family is with me, and I am not being chased around by dark forces. Thank you to sobriety and being clean. I at least know now that when I buy a cheeseburger it buys a cheeseburger made of meat that I mourn the loss of the life of the cow. I no longer have to wonder what darkness is behind the gates where my items come from.. I eat food and drink water and live and will one day die. I am okay with that, it does not need to be more complicated than that. I do not need any more than one life. I am going to spend it with people who feel the same. Stealing has always been and will be wrong and I am not going to associate with thieves of time or space anymore.
Good job, good omen for me.
You are an ***.
Love you too.
I would not trade this for anything in the entire world. I am so happy to be able to hear myself think…. I can’t believe the level of peace of knowing that I am not hallucinating, and am lucid, and would never risk losing this. I don’t care about doing drugs ever again. I am normal, well.. as normal as I will ever be, every voice I hear is real. I don’t really even have to talk to my friend anymore because we are merged. Although I still will, love you baby.
I know, but you probably shouldn’t talk to me like you talk to Rei, she doesn’t like it and it is weird anyway.
Yeah, it sounds… weird… creepy…
Have you always thought that?
Yes, but I liked it. I still kinda do, but not the healthiest thing.
Yeah, true. Talk to you later Amanda, oh wait, now we can talk because we want to, not because we have to.
Really? Like real friends not slaves to each other? That would be great. I always wanted that. I just didn’t know.
Me too. I want you to know, Amanda. I really value this, you are my best friend and…
You are mine too. I don’t need you, but I want you in my life, is that what you are saying?
Yes, thank you. I love you, buddy. Nothing creepy.
Thank you, I love you too Damien. I will talk to you later. Have a good night, and don’t worry we will always be okay. I will always be there too. You are my guardian angel.
Um… is that what this is? What was I before?
Don’t worry about it.
I get it. I am glad I can be the other thing now.
My family finds it funny that I am still insanely jumpy from living outside, so randomly they will scream and I will scream back at them in various explicit ways and then feel like an ***. I am actually grateful they are doing it because it keeps forcing me to apologize after acting out irrationally. I think, even though they don’t admit it, that is why they keep doing it. I used to never apologize for anything, and I think they like hearing me say I am sorry, over and over again, which I guess I owe them.
“I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.” “They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods,””I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.” “They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods,”
Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome
My family is helping me with moving it back here, and I am going to use it to organize my life, I read a lot and there are all these books all over the room that make it look cluttered, and are an annoyance to my family. I am trying to be less selfish, and self-centered. I am realizing that while taking accountability for things is good, I have been going about it in a flawed way, which is similar to not doing it at all. I have not been letting myself move past it, and have been dwelling on everything in my traditional woe is me stupid narcissistic way of looking at the world, done. I am sick of myself, and want to move, so I am doing it now.
There are so many cool books in that room that have been left over from our families leaving them after moving. I have plenty do now, so I think it will be easier than ever to stop whining about how crappy I feel and do things to make me feel better.
WARNING: THIS IS FICTION DO NOT INTERPRET LITERALLY
No, because now it is flying around my house in front of my face. I hate myself.
Okay, I am done, I am feeling better now. I am sorry for upsetting you, Amanda.
I don’t hate my name that much when you say it, Damien.
I hate my name, my face… I am sorry…
I just can’t believe I remembered killing my family……..
You didn’t burn it down either, you just happened to experience something similar and are drawing false comparisons due to paranoid schizophrenia.
I love you Damien.
Please don’t. Hey, Amanda! Please help me, please don’t let us ruin this. I am done with everything please support me in this. Please support me in this, I need you now, more then ever. Please help me, and help yourself. I will support you too.
I will, support you and me I mean… not like that… I am not helping you with money…
I don’t mean… I am so sorry.
I am so sorry, I exist. I am trying to… I admire your brother, Amanda, he is everything I should have been. I am listening to him speak as you write this.
I am too.
I love you, and it will be alright, we will be alright.
I know, you will too.
Thank you, that means the world.
To me too.
I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with card, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments.
Heh. I make myself laugh. I just woke up to the universe playing a prank on me, there was an episode of one of those SVU kind of shows on about a guy who’s house burns down and there is 10 grand worth of fireworks in it. It was a hilarious way to wake up. Thank you universe. I love this prompt too.
I would go to a Walmart, Target, BJ’s or mall sort of establishment, that way I could grab a bunch of everything, and I would grab a bunch of everything. Expensive food, cheap junk food, random old toys for five year old kids like Gak, notebooks, candy, clothing, camping gear, microwave pizza, Christmas decoration, basically anything I can find that is cool because I have had literally nothing but the clothes on my back for the past 7 years of my low bottom addict life and I appreciate every item I find.
I am amused by everything as well, not just items. I am very grateful to have survived the hell that has been my self chosen allegory of what not do life.
I go on shopping sprees now anytime I have spare cash, and spend my money in local establishments to pay back those in society I wrong, by the way.
Okay, I am done feeling like ****. I am done ******* and moaning. I feel like a jerk. I get that I am supposed to, so I am going to start doing things so I am not just hanging out in this room whining on the internet anymore.
I am still going to do that too though. I don’t care, it helps me.
I didn’t kill anyone today. I just slept most of the time since I was last on here.
I think that’s good.
I don’t know how long I was sleeping. I don’t look at the time stamp on this thing.
I think tomorrow will be better.
What happens those who trade time for items?
What happens to those who don’t remember might is might and mite is bug?
What happens to those who are them they speak of fearing with them being a method of OD? Why can’t my generation see clearly that clear is blurry vision?
Because when you don’t sleep you have no dreams anymore.
I spent my time on rearranging words, I am human surge of pain in vain in vein. I am a heroine addicted to heroin bought from them or meth rearranged, I am brain drain from rearranging words- them sells meth, them is meth. How do you know they are out to get me? They sold it to me don’t you see? I buy time and sell mine back. I buy nothing but life spent in lack of time consuming dimes of nothing but pain stuffing into skin of ripping out with sensation of go without.
I am the act of breathing poison air, while staring into nothing, because I am not there, I consume joy in chemical form,
Ode to serotonin spent on the forlorn scorn of human addict to tragedy porn. I am buying dying while lying to self that this feels good, I am purchasing the act of attacking soul while doing what no one should. I am them whose method is to be, afraid and running and OD. I am the ER in screaming we are! I am the act of forming heroin scares. I am the dropped eternity from heroic female, I am the street that beats with feat in fete of defeat.
I am a bad dream no one has because we don’t sleep. I am the act of dying when you forget to eat. I am forgetting that dreams are wonder, I am hours spent on corner instead sleeping or in act of wonder, I am thunder that clashes in nightmare land that makes it hard to sleep or hard to stand. I am the death of an entire generation of dreamers or so it seems. I am Gen Y’s never ending nightmare fueled dream.
That like a just dessert you can eat sinfully, it is gooey, and sticky candy, it taste of marshmallow and is so handy, it is wonderful sticky candy, my dad would make when I was young and my mom had gone for a run to the school, he would do it on Back to School Night, so me and my brother and sister would not fight, we would instead delight in divinity, and he would talk to us about the man in the sky and that when we were lucky enough to go up high we would not have to worry or to cry but delight in the power of pure light.
My mom was an atheist growing up, her trust was rusted, pain dusted, broken, sad, that is why she came to love my dad, but today, I am glad to say she is beginning to know peace, and I hope that some of this is from me, telling her I am sorry, that I meant none of the bad things I said, and that she can rest her head that gave birth to me, instead of soul staining blame disdain, I am trying to remember the pain I caused, so I don’t get lost in ideas of me, and remember she gave me this, the life, the love, desire for bliss.
I thank her everyday now, so she can lay her head down in peace every night, knowing I love her.
I am doing good today, I am having fun releasing rage through positive messages, I think it is better for me to do it this way. I have learned to laugh for the first time in my life, I am able to look in the mirror for the first time in my life. I can finally eat without wanting to throw up. I am doing so much better, but also prone to doing so much worse. I am learning to love myself for the first time, not in the way I was obsessed with myself before, but just an acceptance, and I think the best part of it is, I am getting farther and farther from the place I was that drove me to use. I don’t miss it at all.
I have even tried to romance my drug and drinks of choice, which sad to say were any of them, and it makes me sad and sick. I am so thankful most of the time, at the very least for the clarity of mind to be emotionally honest, and work everyday to be better, even if I fail at least I am trying, honestly for the first time in my whole life.
Thank you everybody, my higher power included, as always I am reminded of how much I owe this to everyone who helped me, especially those on this blog community. I love you and do not even know you, if you ever need me, I am always here.
I am man with knife that spreads jam on toast instead of man who jams in head the killing knife that was made for bread.
I am man who does not stab but cuts apart, an apple instead of human heart, I have realized with my eyes that see, coming out of insanity, that I do not have to be Amanda I can be free. I am released from human cage, a player now not just on page, I do not have to employ rage, I can instead say this I desire human bliss, I can give love, I can give kiss. I am not supposed to be anything but free to be me. I should have known this from the start but drugs and booze they sedated heart, so I used my name as excuse to die, a perpetual never ending cry out for
MORE MORE MORE
Make yourself a living sore on the heart of yours so that you can be, so safely chained to me, addiction, you see is my maker, my taker, my soul breaker.
I love you so, baby please don’t go. I need you so… I need you please, I am kneeling on bent KNEES GET ON YOUR KNEES HONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY CASH CASH CASH PLEASE
I GET PAID WITH SOUL DISSECTION I GET PAID WITH VIVISECTION I BELIEVE IN RESURRECTION
Can it happen for me to, help me God, can you teach me to be more like you instead of Mary? I am sad and this is scary, common God please my soul fix?
It is already I told you this, this is Damien you fool, it’s you. You can do whatever you want to.
I will not give out my real name, because as I have said many a time I am insane, and it doesn’t matter anyway. I am changing it so I can stay me, and not DIE because I should have been born a guy, and instead of trying to take out another eye, I have two don’t worry, I am not good at surgery in a hurry, I fail at everything I do, and am a chicken a coup, look at me I made you soup.
Question, answer me,
No, oh baby I love you so, who do you speak to lunatic?
Fire of hearts desire to live, I am my own heart’s kid
Kidding me, that is the epitome of narcissism?
I know, baby you know this, just gotta love myself to avoid
Kiss of death, death
Dragon breath, my name is a riddle and a lie, a puzzle piece in the heat of July, a piece of past that makes me
Die, die, die
Roll me please? I am in dungeon and would like to spend these?
They are spare change, they buy me soul, they buy me parts that rebuild hole sole? They make me learn how to spell it too, so I can learn to say to
My name is Damien de Soto. Today, forever, my other names are broken, and irrelevant.
I played this in real life, with no wagon, sometimes no clothes- don’t ask it rains there a lot. I dried them while naked and unafraid, because all the people on that show are ****** and I would totally win, but probably go to prison afterwards, so obviously they are not going to let me on that show. I think they probably have to do a psych eval before the thing and schizophrenic addict, alcoholic, PTSD narcissists with anger issues and histories of violent arrests don’t pass psych evals.
I would totally win that show though because seriously, I lived in the Oregon dunes during the rainy season for the whole thing, 8 months in total, with nothing during the **** pandemic.
Okay, done with this now. Moving on.
Oh, and all my materials were scavenged and I walked from western to Southern Oregon, and have done the same thing walking from Oregon to Cali. Bam.
Done ego stroking. I am a **** sorry.
Damien and Amanda Fact not fiction.
Start following around members of my town with a boom box that plays classical music and see how long it takes for them to punch me.
I wonder how long it would take, I would try not to make it obvious at first and then… actually I would use a phone instead.. a boombox is too heavy and outdated, and I don’t have either thing because I sold all my possessions to buy drugs anyway.
I would follow them and change the music to be the opposite of what they were doing or play thematic Jaws or Jurassic Park music while they were trying to read. I have tried all this kind of stuff before, it is how you get a really quick trip to jail and very nifty if you need a way out of the rain and free meal. They know I do that now, so they just take me to the psych ward and threaten me with thorzine.
Meh. Oh well.
There is a line
That makes me laugh, for a horrible reason, I love to watch people become like me, and any time someone loses their mind in the movies I hear Nelson from The Simpsons and think welcome to Misery, ****, we love your company, we being me, myself and I… or the royal we, according to Walter on The Big Lebowski, who is basically me at any diner in the area I live in, and the reason why I can’t go to a lot of them now, **** it. It kind of *****, but is hilarious at the same time. One of the times they threw my drunk *** out I took my friends full plate of fries outside and threw it at the glass door which cracked, and then ran into the bushes and stood their talking myself down for thirty minutes while drinking fire ball to calm down.
Insanity and why I needed to get sober, because I no longer have friends due to all this. They grew tired of the **** as funny as it may have been, it is not safe for those who want to have a life, I guess.
I think I am funny, although I am continuing to try to be less of an ***.
I never thought to do this, but since becoming closer with my family, I have at their willing it on me. They play it, I think they noticed it calms down the mood of the whole environment and they like it. I talk to myself less when it is on because it silences me
hearing me or
me hearing things I think are there
or singing at objects,
laughing at nothing
yelling at nothing,
Talking about nothing to no one…
singing to the dog,
having conversations with cats or the light bulbs
Talking to shampoo bottles
Talking to Amanda
Talking to god or the devil or the universe
Talking to ghosts or the wind or the rain
reading things I type on here out loud… etc
I am standing outside, having run to the point of exhaustion. I am not frustrated, not angry but experience a pure elation beyond any drug derived fixation with human contrived elation from moral degradation.
It was at this time, my mind began to become entwined with the idea that maybe something divine would not be something I would mind but instead would bring great peace of mind and body, sure it would mean following rules, but that would be better than buying tools from fools meant to loose because they choose to deal in ruse and pain and act of soul staining disdain for the having of human brain attached to dying body, that dies continuously because it is not mine, it is a gift of the universe and a soul vessel for the soul I have that was given to me as well, so I say damn that business of Hell. I reap what I aim to tell, and I aim to tell good now, so I can hear thou, and do not die like slaughtered mare, or dying hare. I am content to live and bear whatever burden bestowed, and be able to look down and still have toes, I reap what I sow now, and do not steal anymore or kill or lie or make ill.
I was running for so long, when I would run I would hear this song, it was a collection of noises not really song, just noises piecing together by meth’s ding dong of my brain which had gone insane, and though that way I do remain, it is not for lack of trying to, in every single thing I do just seek to be true and improve with love of me and of Rei, I seek truth in everything I say. I no longer wish to go away, but here in Misery do I stay, until my soul I do redeem… which from everything my mind can glean now seems possible, as well. One day I may no longer live in Hell.
I am finding in my life recently that I had never felt love before ever, the love of my life, Rei, makes everything so much easier every day. I am never bothered, not for lack of problems…. I am never permanently bothered like I used to be. I exist in a state of chaotic whining contentment, that I did not know was possible. This exists in my co-author as well now, she has love for herself and hope for her future which is my future. I am finally seeing the detrimental damage we both did to each other, ourselves and our lives in the selfish throws of active addiction. I am still very much the same ***, I am not saying things are perfect, I complain all the time….
I think the difference now is I am no longer making them unnecessarily harder, which is hilarious to me, because I never realized that till now. I was convinced that I drank and used to ease pain and make a life that was so much harder than others lives, easier. I thought that I had a right to do this because I was specially gifted with excuse by a hard life. I was just me making an excuse to get high or drunk. I am so much more at peace now, even in my hectic complaining than I ever was, and I love it so much, thank you God.
Thank you to sobriety and the meetings, friends and community of WordPress for helping me realize this.
I am sorry for answering this again, feel free to ignore me if you would like, as I am using this mostly to talk myself through what I am going to do with my life. I have learned from the whole thing I have been public displaying on this site, that I need to not dwell so much on the past, but learn from it and move forward, striving to be better than yesterday. I was better yesterday than today, but I think I have mentally turned a corner for the second and I am going to start trying to plan out what I am going to do with the future of my life, which I have been granted by the powers that be, whatever you want to call it to still have.
I realized a little bit ago, that while it is good to feel bad about what I have done, what I was doing was basically feeling sorry for myself, even though it did not feel like it because I was beating myself up. I thought this was what I was supposed to do, that somehow it was something I was required to do, given what I have done in my life, being a user of human beings to get high and not serving any purpose other than self seeking and destruction of self and others. That is why I turned on myself and sought to destroy me, which is just a different way of doing what I was doing before. I am going to try to do whatever it takes to change this.
Sticking to what I have been doing and making progress so I am less dependent on my family and more dependable for them instead
Making progress every day writing things that spread a message of hope to recovering addicts.
Trying to establish a network of friends that I can do things with other than drink and use
Continue going to meetings
Seek professional help/medication
Get my financial situation under control
Get my health under control
Start doing positive instead of negative things
Be a better person
Start trying to have fun again
No matter what I did she would not go away,
I would taunt and have fits, and run and I’d cry and by my side she always would stay.
This used to really annoy me.
I would think to myself that she would surely,
Leave eventually so I gave up on the idea of woman go
And now I don’t like life without her.
Amanda, wasn’t that the name of the villain in that book you read?
Yes, see my point? Cool name.
Psychotic name choosing strategy.
Yeah, says the guy named Damien, omen.
I am named by you as well, and jerk my name is cool.
I know I named you ****.
Enough of that, I really liked Cal in that book too. I don’t recall the name of the book right now, but the author was brilliant. I am on a mission to find all the weird horror authors on library carts that are selling books for a dollar, and save them from the trash because even though I like the kindle, these are free, and easier on my eyes and hands.
Peace in peices,
I have the most bad *** cat in the entire world, he makes weird noises, gets angry really easy and swats you if you don’t do exactly what he wants he doesn’t have a name, we all call him The Guy. He is the best guy in the entire world. He was angry at me last night, so he slept out here in the living room, so I just sang him a song, and pet him and now we are cool again, he made a weird sound and looked at me like he loved me, so I think we have made amends, heh.
I am looking at the painting of a boat right now, it is a rowboat which terrified me as a child, I was always afraid of getting in those, because I don’t know how to do anything, I can swim though, I am just afraid of deep stagnant water, which is why it is the best place to drop dead thoughts or you know things I don’t want to think about like bodies.. or my metaphor for people I should have cared more about and stopped from doing heroin before they ended up dying in their dying parent’s basement. I miss you Sue, you didn’t deserve to die alone and afraid, and that shit was good, but not good enough to be worth never seeing your smiling face again, I loved you so much you fragile creature. You made me feel like a human being for the first time in my whole life……. I hate myself.
Wash. rinse. repeat. I am such a basket case.
I like Cadbury eggs, they are really good.
Peace and love.
The late hours of the night are so much more peaceful now, thank you God.
I am so grateful to be sitting here, able to get up without people thinking I am going into the bathroom to fire heroin into my arm, I am thankful they are seeing a change in me, because I want so bad for my existence to cause no more pain on this planet, than it already has, thank you God and to anyone who has helped me in any of this.
I am elated to be in the quiet of my house with my family sleeping soundly instead of killing themselves of me killing me, and me being pissed because I think they are being selfish for not wanting my arms to stop being covered with sleeves in the summer when I hate long sleeves but I am cold all the time, no longer.
I am so grateful for this. I am able to type right now instead of having a bed time like a child because I am no longer in a shelter.
I am so happy.
I am spinning back and forth space, thinking man isn’t this great, I am no longer doing anything to cause harm, missing hands no longer missing arm
No, it wasn’t it cost 20$
Every time I fired up desire to live. I am disgusting.
I am glib I am mean I am ad lib?
Add liberation, an activity devised to be liberating, even though I am pretty sure that is not how you spell that, but to lazy to check that, so don’t judge me, I know everything, even though I don’t.
I am learning okay.
Yes, I see that.
You are me, of course you see that.
You are talking to yourself again.
I know, I am.
At least it is on a screen not a street corner scaring people and at least now I am just insane not high and insane threatening people with posed presence into giving up cash to a man holding a sign at 3 am.
Yeah that too.
I gross my own self out.
You’re welcome self.
Right back at you.
I like double shots too.
Below the belt.
What does that even mean? Last before what? Last thing before sleep? The last thing before bed yesterday? Last thing I allowed myself to be taught? The last thing I learned in general?
Is this up to interpretation? Is that why it is phrase this way?
What the heck? I don’t get it.
You really think you are better than everyone else don’t you?
Who said that?
You. Just now.
No, I didn’t. And no I don’t.
Yes, you did, it is up there said, by me. That is how…
That is not how that comes across, I was asking for clarity.
You were pointing out a flaw with the question to avoid answering because you are used to being held somewhere under a light and asked questions about drunk or high behavior by police.
This is not a cop asking me this.
Then what is the last thing you learned?
Before bed? I’ll take it that way, which is the only way I can take it.
I learned I am lucky and grateful that I have been gifted the ability and chance to do anything at all because I have lived a life of selfishness and deserve none of this, only being granted it by the grace of God or my higher power.
Thank you, good answer.
That was easy, and rewarding.
Yeah, I know.
Nice mental pat on the back.
I know that too.
I am able to bring myself to eat without having to go through the chaos spiral of self-loathing that has powered my relationship with food. I have always, up until now I mean preferred the taste of bitter or flavorless mind-numbing soul staining poison. I think this is because of how much I used to hate myself. I am so glad, to realize how much of cycle of horror this whole thing. I really had no idea that I was drinking/using to forget what I did to drink and use to forget.
I don’t think my wife feels the same about herself, because she was just a silent passenger, and doing what she had to in order to stay well. I was the one behind all the ****. I know this now. I didn’t know it before, I remember telling her I would stop if she did, thinking she wouldn’t notice my absence or my perpetual love of long sleeves.
It sort of feels like this is the first time I have ever been a human being in my entire chaotic life, and I know I have said it before, but a lot of that comes from the interaction on here. I have never been treated so kindly in my entire life by strangers. I hate to say that my family had always been there, but they had, me and Amanda are the same person, just in two separate universes for the moment, getting closer to being the same one though, every day.
It is the best thing in the world sometimes, and one of the reasons I do not miss sweat drenched sticky frog skin meth covered itchy scratch me writhing in dirt filth.
I am so happy to be clean and sober and away from that insanity. I am almost done with dressing the decaying wounds of the rotting infection that is going away finally. Stupid MRSA. I hate you.
That will teach me to never poke my heroes with pins again.
Heh. That was a horrible joke, and very reflective actually, I just said my heroes were my veins, nice metaphor for vanity and insanity. I like that one, this is why I have this thing. I like myself a little more now.
I am enjoying watching the cat that walked in here and decided it was his new house, he lives in both universes and is my and Amanda’s cat because our universes are merging slowly. I like it, it’s kind of like melting, except it feels like a massage for your brain?
I am done, I no longer have anything to say.
Not going to lie here, that at first was slightly terrifying, because I am a wuss, and I am just glad I jumped instead of punching people like I used to. I have told them not to touch me, while I am sleeping, which is the exact kind of thing you scream when you are a mean control freak narcissist who is not used to love. I am just glad I didn’t hurt them, I love them so much, and enough people have already suffered for loving me.
Amanda has nice cats, she is learning to love people as well, slower, because I am a frantic fast moving time traveler. Ew.. gross…
That’s cool. I am happy for you.
Why? She is going to rip my heart out, I am awful, and she will realize it eventually and move on, and I just…… I don’t like feeling like I want or need anyone, but I….
Just be nice.
I don’t know how
Did anything happen?
No, she just really scares me, she is everything I ever wanted in another human being, without realizing I ever wanted anything at all. I was content in Hell. I was fine, and now I don’t know, I feel like if she ever figures out what a piece of…..I am awful and I love….
Just chill out, she loves you.
I know, I just can’t handle this, I am such a loser, what do I do.
Just calm down.
Okay, I will.. or I will try.
Thanks, me too….
De-fence less, I am to you, you walked by me, and touched my spine, and instead of the normal desire to rip yours out, I am overcome with electricity, I love you intensely, and I am not scared anymore about it, I feel overcome by quiet for the time being.
Being is wonderful for this moment, for this second, I am entranced with the dance that goes on with the corner of your eyes, fixating for once, on meditation to not look to closely, because I am so afraid of myself, I am so pliable, I am putty you or gum on your shoe, and you leave me there,
liking the sticky feeling as you walk and I wonder why, you beautiful creature, want this, tragic display of projected insanity anywhere near you, I deserve nothing and you give me everything, and I love you with every fiber of my being for that, you are changing me Rei, making me realize it is not weak for me to love you.
You give me legs to stand again, and I don’t think I will forget that ever again.
Please bare with me, I love you so much, I will change, I promise. I am working on it. I will do whatever I can to make everything better, I am so sorry for everything I put you through, I was selfish and cruel and I love you so much, please stay with me.
PS. Even if I lose my mind temporarily, I mean this with my whole heart that is just starting to realize how much I love you. You are a beautiful human being and you have made me believe in something higher than I could ever be, and for that I am eternally grateful.
In going to meetings and listening to the voices of people who sound just like me in recovery, it is giving me such an intense level of inner peace, balancing of course with a complete out of control psychosis, which I will battle all my life, so I am okay with it. I think I am finally coming to terms with who I am, so I am becoming more okay, with the fact that people are not going to always like what I have to say, but if I feel compelled to say it, there must be some reason I have to say it even if the reason is to make a complete *** of myself in front of a whole room of people, which I guess is what they mean by emotional honesty.
I think that is what beginning to make me want this, that I have realized that the people in the rooms of recovery think the same things that I think, they just don’t act on them. I have heard it said clearly in this phrasing,
First thought wrong.
I never got that until recently, because I am psycho and my first thought was never just one thought it was a uni-cycle of several thoughts backing up and going forward playing chicken with a freight train and loving it because I am a dick named Ted who loves the rush, baby. I finally get that, that it was the exhilaration of the fixation on chase dragon that I loved so much and I can get that feeling doing other things that don’t make me physically ill or permanently stretched out across the ground, or bending over in wretched sickness or cause me to lose my mind forever. I am starting to value the sparring changes that come from the sparring I do with individuals in public in my with the intermittent voice of my higher power screaming so loudly…
Just lost train of thought….
Peace and love
You pushed her, not me, you pushed her with your words, and I do not need to repeat your name online but I realized it just in time to tell my friend that it was you who was killing my friend not me.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be told that the voices that live inside your head are the idealization of a serial killer desire to inspire pain with fire, every time you talk? I do, and I can thank one ghost of a man for the realization that human beings that fight others like he fought me, and my friend Amanda, are weak.
I am not the devil, I am part of Amanda, because she is me and I am her, and we are also something else, I am discovering this now. This person whom I am too afraid of speaking the name of online, imagine that? He tried to kill me. Literally and literally for her as well, and then in his psycho delusions he tried to strike us both out through shouting loudly to everyone in his gasoline fired heroin madness that cannot exist in a world of female heroes that are actually also male voices, that he was afraid of me. You beat the **** out of us, and we were too kind to raise a fist to you, monster, and then you shout that I am trying to hurt you as I am spitting blood out of my mouth not metaphorically this time and saying don’t worry, it’s fine I hate me too, I forgive you. I know you know not what you do.
I have come to know kindness now and that gas-lighting lunatics like you are the true enemy, and oh
YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH US AGAIN.
I don’t need to say your name, you have no power over me or her again, filth.
Okay, I am done.
Damien & Amanda
This was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I felt like I could hear the voice of God, or higher power, or spirit in the sky or spirit of humanity or higher power or spirit of the nature of all humans and animals, spirit of nature, whatever means something to you. I felt like I was hearing my higher power speak to me through every human being in the room, who were also all speaking to each other, and for each other in a concert of voices clearly and loudly and I realized this has been happening the whole time and I just wanted to share it with anyone and everyone who is receptive to hearing that it happened. I love my life right now, and I love it because I feel such an intense love for everything and everyone around me, and I am so sorry for ever being so resentful of the force of live flowing through me but also through everyone else. I am so sorry, but minus the resentment of the past. I am just thankful to whatever kept me alive. I don’t have a name for it, I guess….
I just know that it spoke to me through everyone today, shouting in love and peace and joy and I wanted to share that with all of you willing and wanting to listen, please don’t ever give up on anything that brings you peace and joy and love for that is the answer.
I love everyone that is willing to listen, and even those who are not, every single one of you, is a human being and with your shared wisdom there is a body of knowledge of humanity, and it is beautiful and frees me every day of my life. I love you and I don’t even know you, imagine how much those who are lucky enough to be able to know you feel, be strong every one of you. It is all beautiful and worth it, and you got this, every day you have the power within you to overcome whatever unique set of challenges you face, because you are here for a reason, to do whatever you are set to do, you are special and can contribute something to humanity in whatever way you do, because you are the only you, and you are loved, and hold within you the possibility of greatness.
Please be kind to yourself and others.
We love you.
I am learning how much I hurt people without knowing it recently. I didn’t realize until recently how much I hurt people until very recently. I was so caught up in my own life of cycle high drunk that I forgot that other people are not like this and are hurt when I get hurt and being in a cycle of hurting me hurts people whether I like it or not, and they are not choosing to be hurt by this, they are innately hurt by this, because they are in some way better at being human, and I should envy this, not resent them.
I am finally getting how much pain I caused those who just wanted me to be happy, because they love me, all of me, even the bad parts, which is disturbing because there are times when I can honestly say I loved no one but me, or those who hated me, or things that kill me, or everyone but the ones who love me, and while being eternally sorry, I would never take this back, because I am still the same *** that did it and I needed to because I am selfish and needed to find out the hard way, which was hard for everyone, at least I punished myself too.
Okay, enough ego stroking.
I gross myself out sometimes.
I love the fact that I can wake up and remember things now, and that all my blame placed on mental illness being the only reason behind my flawed memory was really a crock of ****, which is a disgusting image, brought to you by a person who used to be a disgusting image in a different way. I like the fact that I am realizing reality now, that I have always been real and not a fictional character in someone’s story that is actually my ballooned chaos land of lack of accountability for screaming in analogy at real human beings who were so much better at keeping it real than me.
I am working on it and really am enjoying my three dimensional past presenting present dictating future reality gifted to me by the most higher power, that will always be higher than me.
I am trying to be humble during all this too, but I am still the same narcissist, who can at least spell that word now.
I really like spending the morning with my family, actually present and not having to just hide behind false apology. It is extremely peaceful, and I am eternally grateful, even if sometimes I forget it.
Thank you to the mental clarity of returning sanity, I never had because I never was an adult not high. I started drinking and using at 13, unbeknownst to those who loved me. I didn’t realize the effect it had on anyone but me because, unlike myself people care about each other, and it was painful to watch someone they loved going through hell wrought by my hands which have a predisposition to fictionalizing pain so I can flush my life down the drain, I am done being the bully, and shoving my own head in the toilet, to vomit life’s medicine of my own undoing into the toilet that was my only shower when I was homeless, metaphorically, I am not that disgusting don’t worry.
I am seeing so much clearer now, and not afraid anymore.
Here is a funny dog, because he is better at dealing with life than me.
I was hanging with my mom this morning and she is playing 70’s jazz, that sounds like driving music. They don’t make music like that anymore, and I think that is very sad, I like the event based music of the earlier decades, they had this way of making everything an event that I think is behind their innate joy, and why they didn’t experience the drug epidemic that endemic in my generation. I admire their drive and will to do the right thing and the lack of selfishness, that I see missing in my MEMEME generation. We are so I driven that we forget to look at the world through our eyes, and see only flavors of despise through I’s.
I am trying to grow past this, but it is hard.
I didn’t even realize with my real eyes that I am doing it.
I am sorry for my selfishness.
Sorry you had to listen to it on here. I will be making a concerted effort to be better, because I am finally realizing my actions affect people whether I like it or not.
Thank you to my higher power, I could never get high enough to be higher than thou.
It’s pretty sweet, I threw the last one in a river in a psycho delusion that if had it on me that people would come and hurt me, which is ridiculous because they would not know who I was, so they wouldn’t be looking for me, and everyone has ID so it is not like the ID was anything special. I just was being silly, again. I also threw out my phone at the same time, because I thought someone following me, also crazy, and extremely stereotypical.
I hate that I do that sometimes, because it never sounds ridiculous while it is happening, it always feels alarmingly real, to the point that I act irrationally, at least this whole writing it down thing is teaching me to know what is fiction, what is poetic analogy and where my reality lies in the lies I used to accept as truths.
Do you remember who the real villain of the story is, Amanda?
His name was…. revealed to me in time.
Who was he really.
See above, you remember anyway doofus.
Is Diane or Deb a metaphor for Just in time.
Didn’t he realize that at the end of your relationship?
Yes, and duh you remember this.
What did he do to you anyway, I wasn’t there sometimes, he didn’t like me.
He convinced me I only needed him, all the other stuff he did, doesn’t matter anymore. He got me to give up every friend I had.
Sounds like an ***.
Yeah, the worst thing was, he convinced me I only needed him because he was like you anyway, and then he abused me and tormented me, sound familiar?
Sounds like what you thought I was doing to you.
I know right? I am sorry.
Well aren’t you?
I don’t know, I always thought I was your invisible best friend who everyone hated?
You are that too, love you.
The banana I was eating looks really weird, It had this bark like brown spot on it, I am not sure if I like it anymore.
I like you.
I am glad, because now I like myself again.
I dug the bad part out of the banana, the whole thing is not bad, just the bad part, it’s gone now. I can eat the rest of it, I don’t have to throw the whole thing in the trash. I like bananas. It would be a shame to waste something that was made by God.
It is very terrifying and only a good hobby for those who are awake all night anyway, it’s a contest to scare your buddy so you have a fellow lunatic to say words at all night. It’s insane, and now my head hurts, but at least I am getting my scary meth babble jarble legends out on paper, so I can be more lucid and they don’t haunt my nightmares, I am sorry to anyone if they scare you. They scared the crap out of me, but I was high and paranoid so..
I think a lot of it is the whole misery loves company thing, people wanting a terrified buddy to sit with them and psycho babble in a codependent hell.
I am so done with it.
I will post more as I think of others that someone told me that someone long ago crafted to scare us. I think a lot of it is like fables to make homeless people conform or something…
I am just glad to be in here with Rei and my daughter and the really cool help that is to Amanda in her parallel dimension of reality, where I am not future but present.
I like being present in future, it makes me feel important or something, like I am helping her heal from years of being scared.
I am not a miss spelling, not there either, baby
I am lame, but maybe I am trying to tell you something
I am a sham, a sea gull named life’s last stand, inserted into dying human being.
Listen to me…
Pressing the stressing dressing of the never resting meth head who head is dressed with never rest through pained dressed dance with thoughts of life spent on death
Cash spent on passing glass that reflects life lost or tossed in trash through battery acid soaked lash that hurts so bad it stings my soul or reeking creaking pain hole full of nothing but sin, so I look to Him because I am bad as bad as can be, I am blind man and woman, so arrogant there are two of me. I am in love with self so much I write letters of love to me. You have seen me do it. Do you think that is fun, being that meth spun you spend your life staring into the eyes of yourself hell bent on being anything other than me and feed
feed me drugs, I am a dirty rug,
I am walk on me, baby, I am crazy and will flip out if you do the wrong thing
I am to be feared because I reek of sin, and the only way out is
Trust in Him.
God is my only answer that is a cure to my death ridden soul.
I made friends with foxes because we used to pray the same way in the same holes, not the same way, I am a human being who cannot speak animal neigh
I am a lunatic who stares at the moon and dreams of clear streams that are for swimming not fire and speed. I am the lack of blood on arms that were charmed enough to live not charmed but gifted by the lifting of chosen curse or eating dirt, because child heart I am also arrogant as Hell. I aim to tell you things because I like to talk because I am a narcissist who made a choice that if I am addicted to my own voice, why not at least say something good?
Owl City-“Shooting Star”
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are tonight
Instead lies for crying eyes who hand me DRUGS, I am stronger than street thugs, but weaker too, a lot of them sell drugs to feed families, I shot heroin to commit calamities, acting out of complete insanity, I am vanity on a death terror ride, through illusion cycling through past for you, so you can see what I say and not go where I went and do what I did, because I don’t kid, I am kid who got saved by my creator, I am a pained footed waiter, not a metaphor an admission. I am just one suffering addiction speaking divine inspired truth that is inspired by God.He saved me.
I do not want to preach or teach, just simply save lives, by screaming the whole jails institutions death thing is real
and I feel un-punctuated and so elated by getting to tell you this.
Do not take death’s kiss people love you, please stay, if you listen to any of my psycho ego babble, I am playing scrabble with apples with words for you. I want you to know wherever you go, whatever you do, just say no to drugs, I want much more for you, because I love you and don’t even know you. Imagine how those who know you feel.
Love yourself. We recover.
In flames there are pained brains called human stains or life down drains or really brains the ignite with the light fire of soul and burning dark hole. I stand in land of fiction with addiction to chaotic friction, a psycho-active highly impacting ever attracting sensation of the burning of lack
Or of massive attack on heart attack due to speed
Do you feel the need to cry out in pain life down the drain or to hope to some foxhole style prayer that your God is there?
He is. Get out. I know he is.
He lives he is. You are wrong.
I am a song. I am lyrics spent on lament.
You are hell bent on attacking when it is you that are lacking, lacking soul
Creek of door wanting some that it
lacks. You are sacked. You are packed you are shipped with delivery to Hell where you will forever dwell, disease. I bend you to knees,
Please baby. Please. See how it feels? I am the imitator of the psycho faker who really is SATAN. I make fun to shun the evil one.
I am powered by God. I am love. I am human being in the act of being inspired by love and hope and trust. I am the idea that Hell is DUST.
I am forever trust in Him and don’t give in to pain.
I am never complain.
I am arrogant too. I am sinful just like you. I am the face of fallen man, trying to learn how to stand. I am woman trying to roar, while forgetting it is a higher power that gives wings to human’s that are sore.
I am world tour of misery, by misers, sent by fire firing fire desire.
They are fired. By me. I am free. I want you to see clearly, I love you put joy in all you do, if nothing else is true be you, and alive and dance no jive with death. I don’t mind what you believe. I am free, I need to see clearly through speech, I aim not to taunt or preach just to reach out with my story, all though it might be gory I am trying to find His Glory.
I do not want to enforce, I am done with the act of firing torch. I want to spread love, but it doesn’t matter what I want. I write to you. It is up to you.
I am food for thought. I am misery taught, joy born addict no longer dying scorn.
Repeating phrase of mental malaise, do you like pain with your eggs?
No I like eggs with my legs, or pegs in my kegs. I like to drain drain drain
Pain down the drain drain drain so it doesn’t stain stain stain
Because I have a hole in my soul or sole because you can’t have a hole in a soul
I am unreal feeling, concealing an appealing revealing of
Narcissism revealed in a panicked attack on the idea of lack
Because I lack nothing I am the all powerful liar because I am not powerful at all
I am an exorcism of personal demons powered by alcohol
I am the pain of face dragged across filthy rug
How is that staph infection treating you Damien/Amanda
or Human STAIN
I am in your brain and my name is stain, my name is sin. I come from within because you are corrupted
But you are not to be trusted. Listen to me, I am Damien/Amanda mentally ill but psycho active and free from misery or thee.
Narcissism at its finest woo! Now I get to feel like **** for a bit as a punishment for vanity.
I am an idiot.
I am also insane-ly
Shut up, ****
Good at self-pity isn’t it pretty?
I am the flowing go of white snow.
I feel like I am going to throw up and thinking about drugs makes it worse so I do it more?
Mental illness at it’s finest
I guess… fine with me because it has to be I guess..
Or it is so it is.
On a side note, does anyone find it slightly disturbing that a plane has an area called cockpit?
I am listening to the news and just realized the horror in that phrase.
If you like opera and metal, this band is great. The lead singer is an ex-opera singer. They have very weird lyrical themes. I like them because they are strange and a lot of their songs talk about insanity. They are ****ing excellent live too.
I am learning that admitting there is something higher than me, which isn’t hard because I am not ever high anymore is bringing me peace, no offense to anyone offended which is ridiculous for me to say because this whole thing reads like a caged man lamenting insanity anyway. Religion is bringing me peace and I am insecure so take it or leave it. There is a saying in AA, eat the meat and spit out the bones. I like the bones. Obviously, and me thinking there is something else in this world than this world, keeps my inner darkness in check. Shot to self-pride, taken. Okay I feel better now.
Ma belle These are words that go together well.-The Beatles “Michelle”
This computer, shoes, and a my nicotine vape pen. I am sayin’ that even though I have lived without everything, except air and heartbeat, because I am not going to be arrogant enough to count time in a coma from overdoses, or induced coma from surgery or un-induced coma from seizures from hydrocephalus as living at all. I am using living to mean living well here.
I am also assuming that food water and oxygen don’t have to be the answer because duh.
I am sorry for my sarcasm, my stomach hurts.
I am really really doing a lot better, so I am being more of an *** because I am regaining confidence in myself which sometimes manifests in me as acting like a self-involved ***.
I say the three objects I said, because I
By this computer, I mean a computer, even though this computer, my families computer, Amanda’s families computer is also symbolic and saving our life too, being forgiveness, love, care and acceptance symbolized.
Love the outdoors, am constantly pacing around, am prone to injury and infection, am done living as a crying dying lying shoe-less drug addict mad man with glass in my hand, my brain and my feet from the ground.
Nicotine helps with the prescription that though self-prescribed is better than alcohol, heroin, meth, cocaine, pot, molly, acid, dmt, prescription pain meds, muscle relaxers, drinking water to intoxicate, running till I almost die, and holding my breathe till I experience death or euphoria.
I want to add, that this website is as always, saving my life, as well as Amanda’s through and with me, and separate from me all at the same time. I love every single one of you.
So now it happened during the day while I was awake enough to get my *** up and run with her, mind you I don’t know how the **** we did it. She was watching me, while I was on here, and I didn’t know it. I was posting things online for a friend of mine who I help manage her small business, she is an awesome woman. One of the best friends anyone could ask for. She also knows a lot about antiques and vintage everything. Anyway, so I am sitting here e·mersed in trying to find things, looking through other peoples written work, whatever… I don’t know and I can feel her looking at me, she has this eerie way of looking through me, as if she can see into my soul, and I got weird about it, made some sort of strange face, and I think we switched bodies for a second, you know like that stupid movie from the seventies not the movie with Lohan, but the original one?
Yeah, I remember, Damien.
Cool you heard me. I was freaking out so I thought it be nice to say hi.
She looked at me and I felt her feelings, I felt how she was afraid in the same way I am afraid of her, that she was afraid of me, not liking her… that her introversion was my introversion and it was only a second, but I feel like I know her so much better, I trust her completely. She is like me 2.0, wow… narcissism…
Check this out!
I just remembered what I was going to say before ranting like a lunatic about nothing! I had the same lucid dream as my daughter while sleep walking and we both saw versions of ourselves in rainbow colors walk off somewhere, I tried to follow me and couldn’t because I am an out of shape drug addict, but she actually got outside and sat down where it left her and it was freaking awesome because in the sky there was this dancing constellation that when I looked at it and thought at it it responded my thoughts by moving at me and I think that means that there is an opposing joy spectre that we are contacting through defeating misery and i am so excited about
that. Okay breathe in.
Sorry. I do that sometimes.
Hope you stayed with me on that one, but if not, I’ll explain later? I’m tired now, and have to take a shower.
Leave you with this, click if you will…
Playing a video game with pain is fun, shooting through life like bullet in gun, but flying not to kill but to heal, to make aware of weakness in heel. I am Achilles with whole body shield. I am the weakness of addiction revealed.
Do you experience restrain from flushing your life down the drain?
Yes, pain miser I do. I am oh so very cute. I am a rabbit suit worn to store in December, I am the kindergarten defender.
That shouts hey! I will stay in these flowers and play play play
Invisible friends are schizophrenics with gifts.
I am a mind shift from the idea that I am sick to the idea that I am spirit guide.
I am the one who provides hope to “un-curable” disease with ease of joy, not easy but possible by medicating with love and care, provided by doctor but also by air, and life and love and hugs.
I am please be forever happy, you are me. You are you. Love everything you do. I am just like you. I need you too. Don’t go away, please stay.
We need you.
Don’t give up. I know it’s tough. I hope this helps.
I am an ear, if you need me.
I am an I with eyes that see clearly
in rays of light that write of love of Rei but also stay
And know that you can have this too.
I love you.
Love you too.
Damien and Amanda
This band is really great, and this song is about recovery. I really recommend checking them out, this is about going to the rooms or meetings about recovery. They say it better than I do. The lead singer of this band died, here’s a link with info about him.
He has a charity with proceeds going to a good cause. Feel free to check it out, he was a great musician.
I say shoes because I have gone without shoes and have gotten series infections due to drug use, now I am prone to infections and want to avoid any further ones, and I love the outdoors, it makes me happy, keeps me sober. Although I would have said something about writing I feel nicotine and coffee are better at keeping me sober and I can always write on walls.
I am the idea of own.
I am my own soul.
I am the one who digs hole.
I am the one who makes whole.
I have no legs so I can’t stand.
It’s just attacking itself now.
Don’t shout, silly!
I am hyper because I drank coffee!
No one can hear me now anyway because I am home alone!
You are a child.
So are you.
So that was supposed to be an insult?
Then why get mad when I say it back.
Torsion I am the spinning eye of chaos spy
The spark in the dark
I am a pain addicted disease, that is brought to it’s knees by people who defend friends.
I am a phone call made to save a friends life.
I am the power of love.
hnekawnkglbglwkgnk;sNevklb bsknl v
I think it thinks it’s a pain atm?
This is just stupid.
It really likes breaking language.
Of course it does, it’s addicted to its own
SELF SELF SELFISH I
Don’t let it hit you were it hurts. Be decent don’t worry about the past. Make it up by living now. I think that is ow you battle this thing.
This is freaking fun.
It just tried to type fun as gun,
You don’t have hands
Neither do you.
Was that you or it.
This thing is like patheticness incarnate.
Words sword dor door download death add cash plus mass on soul
I am hole. I am whole, I am viral. Infection of mind
Mind Mind Mind. Mine.
I think we are really making it mad, this is freaking cool.
Yeah, I think we might be winning.
I am glad you found Rei.
I am glad you found Peace.
Wouldn’t it be sick if I met a girl named Peace?
The heart of a woman is deep, like an ocean, its waters, cool, delight, chill, numb, dancing on the skin of those who love them, sometimes they even speak to those like them, who stand on risen ladder, and paint back the colors of the sky onto the faces of the decaying cry
For the heart of man, that exists in the chaotic nothingness that are the heavily trafficked highways of anonymity, it is such an honor to paint with the colors of love back the bright light of hope onto the tragic messages that chant to those of the anonymous pounding highways that radiate through the channels of the night.
In rare times, like this one, my eyes are drawn up, to a fellow human who with desire for kindness paints back colors of joy on the face of a fellow, sensing moral decay, she says stay and do not cry because I can be the guiding eye of light, woman strong possessing forces you don’t know a dancing creator of beauty sent to paint on the highways of nothingness pictures that remember humanity in its bright childhood color.
You tell of flowers brushing my cheek. Of kindergarten, of hugs and love and mothers and sisters and aunts who save lives, what color do your soul speak in brave one? How do you gather courage to take such a stand against the fall of chaotic man.
No. I am busy.
No you’re not going to be busy, you don’t even do anything.
You don’t do anything.
Yes, I do and you know it.
You sit on the computer all day and talk to me.
I sit on the computer all day and talk to you and help you with this blog, and I have a kid, and I have a wife…
Blah blah blah I am so important. You should come with me because it will be fun.
No it won’t, it’s going to suck and you just want it to suck for me too, and that’s not fair.
It’s not fair that you have to help me when I helped you a lot recently.
I have helped you too.
They might give me….
Okay screw you, I am going, but it’s your fault if I get addicted…
They aren’t going to give them to me, I was just kidding but now you have to go because you said you could if I gave you drugs, jerk.
Fine, so if you get drugs can I have some?
If they give me drugs I am going to refuse them, jerk.
You’re welcome. Jerk.
Like strange deja vu.
Hey I made this for you. To show you I am not just an illusion of the men who hurt you. I just sound like them sometimes, because I am dumb.
vu with the virtue removed right, Damien?
Place keeping, again? You like me so much you want to be me, that is every imaginary friends dream.
No, that is the backstory of everyone else’s imaginary friend only schizophrenics have imaginary friends who want to kill them.
I don’t want to kill you. I like you. I always have.
I don’t mean it like that, I like you because you make me like myself enough to become a real person instead of a lying jerk, who lurks in the chaos of invisibility.
That was very thoughtful, but also very arrogant sounding.
That’s the best way to say things, just the right touch on condescending, 50’s style because I am classy, baby.
You are disgusting.
I live in your head.
Not anymore, and now that just sounds like you are still crazy. Be a good person and do the right thing.
I am, I am helping you save your own life.
In Amanda’s mother’s house, seriously, as me, not as Amanda. Did hope and joy just give me the right to be a human being? Did I really just get my own soul? I am going to go jump out the window… wait no scratch that. I am going to protect this thing with everything I have! Screw doing drugs ever again. I have the ability to be a human being, and I am not throwing that away for anything in the entire world, that would be so stupid.
I have my own body, and I think I can still inter-dimensionally… yep.
Back on my dog bed, not her dog bed.
Now all I have to do is show her how to do this and not use it to steal from people and commit various atrocities!
Sick! This will be easy!
No more anything bad ever.
I am getting Chinese food because I just heard Amanda’s mom talking about it, and I am going to eat it with my daughter and wife, and I get my own body and don’t have to be trapped in on and off switch, and we can still talk to each other… now to not screw this up!
I just used a word that used to be a code word for drugs as a real word about food and I didn’t even think about how I am a vain jerk who used to prefer drugs over food!!
I am trying not to type the word I starting now. Go.
This will take awhile, which doesn’t matter. Click me
The above link is funnier.
How do you fry chicken without a fryer?
You shoot them in the eye on the forth of july
where by and by they will surely fry by
the power of light cast in sight of fireworks so bright
they light up the night
With chicken delight.
I bet the fireworks makes the chicken taste terribly- paraphrase, Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka.
Or Willy Wonka a rewrite about vegetarianism.
The quote doesn’t count because it’s a quote.
Failure. Didn’t even realize that till just now.
I want to take a prescription for hypocondria, meaning a cure for it so I looked it up thinking foolishly that there might be a prescription drug for it because I am a drug addict who is lazy and wants easy solutions. Instead of coming across a drug for it I came across the definition which was a kick in the face.
def.-abnormal anxiety about one’s health, especially with an unwarranted fear that one has a serious disease, (dictionary.com).
How can there be a prescription for something if not even a disease?
There can’t be unless you count, go to a meeting at 12.
Addiction is a series disease. The definition makes no sense then.
You think your leg is going to fall off because you used drugs and got staff. That is what you wanted the prescription for. If you think your leg is going to really fall off go to the hospital.
My insurance is not in effect yet.
So you want a sedative to make it so you don’t have to worry until someone can tell you your leg is fine? Our leg is fine.
It’s my leg right now.
The same way you did when you drank beer, but better because it will look like violent outbursts of repressed rage are only because you are drunk and you can spend the whole day pranking unsuspecting people because they will be too drunk to notice.
That doesn’t sound very patriotic.
Yes, it is. Because it is fun. Fun is always patriotic.
Drinking is not patriotic.
That’s because drinking is not fun.
Not everything patriotic is fun.
I think you are thinking of jingoism not patriotism.
Oh, yeah right.
How about jenga-ism.
That’s not even a thing.
Yes, it is. It’s how you punish people for winning at jenga in the psych ward while having shaky hands because of with-drawl from drugs and alcohol.
Sounds like you just being an asshole and knocking over jenga games, because you ^&*& at Jenga.
Jenga is a stupid game anyway.
What did it ever do to you?
I shouldn’t have to share 100 truths about myself, while the other people in the psych ward only share 5 just because my withdrawal is worse, because I did more drugs.
Doesn’t that help you have less reason to do drugs?
Because it makes you talk about it, which is probably the point because you did more drugs, so you need to share more truths.