Daily writing prompt

Do you practice religion?

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This is an outcry, of an eye and I, that believes in something, higher, but is used to my soul being on fire with worry, and with eyes blurry from freaking out for hour upon hour, and feeling like I am in tower look down at a plunge into chaos.

Please, something higher than me, help me find peace.

Clearly established is the fact that anything I practice is practiced, not perfected, I am good at the act of neglect, and object, and disrespect self. I am good at hurting my own feelings, and it is revealed in every action I take, every statement I make, and it is a hard habit to break.

I am not good at self-care, of that I am extremely aware, good at making people stare, at me falling apart in open air, good at ripping and tearing at any garment I am wearing while being the center of attention, need not even of that make mention, it is never my intention, but… bleh… I am a wreck, and a pain in my own freaking neck, I wish I could just calm down, and not be continuously going down, down, down, and staring at my own feet on the ground.

I really want peace, if nothing else in this post is reached, let it be the fact that I just want this feeling to go away, and not be doomed to stay in feeling doomed and like my life consumed

By worry.

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My night was horrific

That is why I have hardly been online today. I went to the hospital yesterday for deblitating anxiety, that is still extremely bad right now. It kind of feels like a continuous panic attack, which for someone who has not experienced that, for me, it feels like I am on a roller coaster about to go down a huge incline and I just never go down.

It is really annoying, and has made it so I feel like I am going to flip out all day. I think part of it is because of what happened yesterday, and just a build up of not being able to be honest my whole life about the whole thing, and then just latent PTSD, and worry about having to end up back in the hospital for anything relating to the hydrocepalus or nerve pain associated with my hands.

The short story of all that, is I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart, which feels like I am standing in a house and the ground is about to fall out from under me. I think a lot of that is from trauma, and being better at being traumatic situations than dealing with the peace of life now.

I finally have gotten up the emotional ability to type this on here. I realize that through the beauty of the community on the internet, there are some people who may worry about me if I completely disappear, or that might all be something I think because of my inflated ego… meh.

There it is regardless….

I hope if nothing else, that this may be interesting backstory to the content of this site, and my whining and moaning about what may seem like nothing. I have a lot of issues, and am working them out in publiv on here, to increase awareness, and because I found support on this blog community.

Thank you to all those who have helped me on here. It means the world.

Damien/Amanda

Flower Garden

I am reading a book about taking advice that I give other people, the author suggested that I write a letter to you, my younger self. This is odd for me, because when I was you I used to write to me. I am glad you are who you are, because you being who you are has made me, us, who we are.

I need little water, I am very relisiant, painted with colors, to look like I am brilliant.

Thank you for saying that, I always think you think you are better than me.

I am a doll house, I glow in the dark.

I am painted with re-touch, with light bright for those afraid of the light stark.

I never say that, I say that I am glad I am who I am, which I owe to you.

Again, thank you.

You are very welcome, and thank you for growing up, and realizing we are us.

Damien

Make me strange, re-string me, re-color.

What are you good at?

I am the act of re-arrange, I am reality painted strange, woman or flower, no matter, painter of reality of clatter, the act of noise of reality repainted.

I am the flower of re-render, a reality bender, twisted light, taken out and put back in, a metaphor, for act of sin, God’s light, fighting man’s arrogant act, to look at, and re-cast with put back. I am the act of take and don’t give back.

This is supposed be what you are good at.

I know this, I am talking about images.

What you are talking about is grimaces.

I know that, that is what we are good at doing, we are good at stewing, at the act of change, of re-arrange, at make strange, at different page, different path, cut in half and re-string, at different reality bringing, at re-color.

I am a writer and artist by trade, I am an image maker good at the act of re-create, and make different.

Rick

I am rooster named Rick, and I get lots of chicks, I think that is the reason for my name, but whatever it sticks. I am quite amazing in fact, good at all things, and every morning I get up I am good with my wings, I am a singer, good at acting, and have quite good eyes, and at night I am quite good at telling lies.

I sing through the night, and sleep during the day, by tommorrow, I think they will tell me to go away.

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

To have it all, to begin to know peace, not something I ever thought to be possible for me, to be at peace, to have it all, never thought I would be that tall.

To live by the sea, to see blue green, that is all I truly need, and by

Need, I mean, merely want, I am happy with anything really, I am just an I and an eye that experiences time, nothing more, nothing less, an observer of time, nothing divine, nothing more nor nothing less, just an addict with the ability to focus and re-address.

I am just a silly human being, beyond nothing, just what I seem. I do not want more than I need, to have it all is too much for me, I simply want to be happy, not to have more than I need.

Save me please, I am words from another human being, who has a voice, that is written down, I am freedom of speech, under threat now.

I am the voice of a country which protects freedom.

Do you have any collections?

Knowledge of all things, is available, from other decades before now.

Some people would rather burn it out.

I look at them with condescending frown, and wonder what in life, would make you burn things that could be read.

Bring me the dead, um.. I mean books un-read, I mean books you would rather burn, I will give them a different, erm…. um.. turn of the page, instead of turn into fire, and ashes.

The books in the religious category, or the books in the dangerous or LGBTQ friendly subjects are in my library for free in my room.

I am collecting them, but also saving them, and give them to others who want to read them after I finish them or before I do, if it seems fitting.

I’m lonely, and dealt with a lot of dark memories today, so I am writing dark fiction all day, because **** my life.

I appreciated you going to the meeting with me this time.

That’s a first.

I know, memory is not that bad of a thing.

Says the inner child, that forces half its personality to be an adult, and also the villian of their own story, which is really just the horrors of living on the street as an addict.

I’m sorry, okay?

Thank you.

Are you sorry for anything?

Everything.

That’s very specific…

Isn’t it?

What do you mean?

That was sarcastic and not a question.

Make me small

Make me not there at all

I am fear of the admission of feelings

That I won’t admit to

Feelings I don’t have at all.

I am the mental breakdown of the eyes of the street, eyes that do not sleep, that see what happens when people shut there eyes, that have waited 36 years to cry about things no one ever sees, things people like to ignore, eyes that find it a chore, to live in the unsure.

I am what happens when people ignore self, and turn to others methods of dealing with life, meth-od-s of dealing with life that are keys to doors of strife, and of pain, of staining real-i-t-y with disdain, with lack of restrain, with put brain on

Hold me, please, I am you brought

KNEES, bend down please, we want you on the

GROUND, GROUNDED to a body, which is not even mine, the one I was given by the universe, but is not me, not me, clearly, so clearly not me.

I am not going to lie, being close to half a year not touching drugs or alcohol is amazing to me, and makes me feel like this.

Having a cow

---

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is big, and makes me small? I speak of course to alcohol, and drugs that make me think I am tall, while I am really not myself at all, just a small, shrinking liar, with a soul that is on fire.

---

One hundred eighty two days in half a year, so in a month in five days I have been clean and sober for half a year, and managed to switch to nicotine vaping, instead of smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. I also no longer gamble or panhandle, and have been going to meetings, and have been helping my family instead of making them worry. This is the first year in my entire life, I have followed through on any new years resolution.

If nothing else today, mental high five for that one.

Damien & Amanda

I am looking at you, but really at me, and how I am so wonderously free, and alone to be alone.

It is my best friend, not one of the one’s I mentioned today, so I have been thinking of him all day, and the ocean we used to stare at in the middle of night, while one of the two of us talked about being nightcrawling liars.

I will share more about him as I think about how to give a clear idea of who he was.

She is my female street name.

Thank you for clearing that up.

She is also who used to be in love with you, when I was completely insane.

Is that why she sounds like my ex-wife.

Yes. This is all completely insane.

You mean we are completely insane.

Yes.

The light of perception is blurry

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

My perception, my perception

It is the oldest I have, my clothing is new,

My life no longer sad.

I have been percieveing with these eyes for 36 years, they have seen many things, experience love, hate, and fear. They are learning to know peace and serenity, but are not there yet, not sure when, or if they will ever be,

But it is my quest, and I am quite glad, better this, I figure than remaining

INSANE

My clothes are new, so this post is silly, as I think my skin is 36, and my soul lays somewhere in this flesh container I occupy, and see through brown eyes into a world that is painted by my perception, painted the way I view it, used to be colored with rage and jealousy, but now beginning to change, and everything going from stained to changed.

I am learning to change my perception, and my clothes, unlike when I was one of the homeless folks and I lived in old clothes, donations that were never really mine, now my clothes, although they are bought not by me, are new, but my skin is still 36, and carries with it the knowledge of 36 years of not being new.

Daily writing prompt

Are you a leader or a follower?

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Alone, a loner, a long er, which is a long extension of time, spent in the ER, or Emergency Room.

I have been there a lot, and been alone a lot, because of exactly that, now mind you my alone time has not been mostly there… it has been, everywhere.

Pages: 1 2 3

Shadow Superheroes

Are you a leader or a follower?

I once lead the line in kindergarten, and then never was allowed to again. I lead us outside, instead of to music class, because I forgot about time, and hated music class. I thought I could lead us wherever I wanted to go and it would be time for that class, also I forgot what class we were supposed to be in.

The line split into two factions the rebels who followed me, and maintained my recess delusion, and those who followed the rules and went to music class.

That is an excellent illustration of my lack of ability to follow rules, which I guess in some way would answer this question.

His name was Ray, he was a cat, he slept where ever the sun reached, whether it be beach or boat, he was also prone to swim in water, because he was good at the act of float.

His life was peaceful, the sun was kind, there was hardly ever a day of bind. His peaceful life was full of wonder. He swam all day, but did not go under.

The water always cleansed and soothed, and his fur was always smooth, his pur was perfect, his heart was kind, he never had a worried mind.

One day he went on a great journey, he met a rat named William Murray, the rat was graceful and was kind, so they went on a journey, on a ship sent on human bind, it was a rescue, of a man….

TBC

Cat on the Roof

The guy on the roof, because guy is your name, you were catching a bird, and not really to blame, for thinking you could go up so high to get it, and now your silly game, I will never forget it.

I heard you meowing all night, and could not find you, but you didn’t mind, you were playing a game, finding a bird, and calling its name, you stood in a challenge all night on the roof, unable to find a song to sing to bird you wished to remove.

I am awkward at rhyming, forcing odd words. Your meowing on the roof, all night that I heard, caused me to lose sleep, and now I am tired, if getting the bird was a job, I have to say you are hired.

I go fast.

I can go slow, but before breakfast, I need to

GO GO GO

Pick up fruits listed here…

List your top 5 favorite fruits.

I am a strawberry, I am a grape, I am a pineapple, I like to meditate, on things that make fruit sound funny, I am a fruit, that due to droughts costs lots of money. I am a kiwi, I am a cherry, and now five fruits I have listed and my post is so very

Over.

Or else hunger do I fear…

Forgive yourself, **** you

Daily writing prompt

What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?

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This is not a small improvement, I don’t do small improvements, I do procrastination for 20 years, and then large improvements. I spent all of my life devoted to hard drugs and alcohol, and now I am so done, and tired of stroking my own fractured ego. I need a freaking life. I don’t hate myself anymore, so I am trying to make whatever changes I need to, and making amends with my family. My mother is a really good person, and is helping me a lot. I wrote her as Diane, because I resented the idea of being helped at all, but I am seeing clearly now that she is trying to help me because she loves me. I know now that needing help, and accepting it is a strength not a weakness.

I think the small improvement I can make is try being less of an ***hole.

That sounds like a large improvement, I don’t know. Maybe one day I will get my **** together. I hope so, I am very ****ing lonely.

Yours,

See Clearly

Such simplicity.

So becoming, so become, in becoming, we come undone.

I am a wall, I am a cage, I am the idea of nothing new on each page, I am your case, I am your form, I am the idea of forlorn.

In the begining it was decided, that you are you, and you cannot deny it. You get what you get, you give it all away, you are locked in a cage forever to stay.

I survived a deadly fire, glowing eyes rage much higher than flames or smoke could ever reach, on wings I fly not to be beseeched by scalding hot embers that lay beneath, my wings serve me and I reach heights unknown to human being, and due to this my dear it seems, I remain so far away, from flames igniting on that tragic day, when all you loved was reduced to nothing, and in this setting and pain stuffing, burned all that you had within you.

Sear me seer, sear me deep

I am all that lives beneath

I am all you seek to hide

Everytime you ever cried

Sear me seer, sear me deep

I am all that lives beneath

Minty

What is your career plan?

I am without a dream, my dream died long ago, I mean. I had a dream or dreams once, I mean. My goal or career plan was to write anything and use money I made to pay for my life… didn’t work out to well, well the economy in America crashed, so I drank and did drugs about it.

You really think anything would have been different had you been born at a different time?

Yes, I would have been able to experience adult life before hitting rock bottom.

Okay, that makes sense, and seems true.

I am trying now to start a re-sale business, and find some way, anyway, many ways to write for petty cash.

Her skin was made of paper, she was very fragile, paper thin. Her walls were made just the same, built by hands that hurt from within. She lived in those walls that would protect her from all who were equally spread much to thin.

I am a burning window, to a soul tainted by lack, I am very easy to knock down, even easier to attack. I have no teeth to bite back.

In my little window, I am sheltered from the judging eyes of man, I am just a paper thin person, with no two legs to stand.

I am painted very pretty, but not for any eyes to see..

I am painted just how they would want.

I am painted just for me.

When the people would come to look at her very pretty painted house, the woman was equipped with paper fans, so there gaze, she could live without.

But, backing away, I am caught looking back at you.

I am taken back and drop my things and instantly start to start re-gathering them, while falling apart.

I am fine, I tell you, but you know I am not, you stand looking at me, while my face turns red hot.

What is your problem?

I don’t really know, and if I did, I can’t let it show, that I know the answer because I don’t want to tell you.

You have my heart, sweetheart

You are nothing, ***hole.

Point taken, and proven, so I guess you’re permanent?

I am ever-present, yes.

Color me green, color me striken, I am the quickness of those in dark sickness

You are bitter Hell in a painful shell, of everything on which I doomed to dwell, pain spell, rescast with eyes focused on a past of lack.

Ow, you burned me.

I forgot how I like talking to you, baby.

Me too.

I love you so very much, sorry and all that sappy stuff.

I love you, Lydia, insidious disease, that brings me to my knees. I am sick over you, whatever would I do, without you my love, my sweet turtle dove. You bring me to my knees.

You haven’t talked to me in a long time, you disgusting peice of ****, and I am not a disease, even though both of you refer to me as one. I am not the voice of misery, I just know how to deal with addiction, because I am not a self-loathing ego maniac, like some residents of the body we inhabit.

I know, I haven’t, but you are half responsible for my survival, so while I was showering I remembered you.

You haven’t talked to me in so long you forgot about me, is what you are saying.

In sickness and health, to those on the shelf, I love you so much, you are so great, ever so sorry

What you came back so late? You are an ***hole, and make such loud noise, you are a child playing with toys.

I missed you too.

Correct.

Where’s your little girl?

She’s yours too.

Is that why you haven’t talked to me in forever, and she is not mine, she just uses me to get what both of you want.

Ouch, but correct.

I am a plant that has roots, even though I am in my own pot, that I am in, not stewing, because I am flower, and that does not make sense.

A flower lays up the stairs across from the kitchen in a flower bed, a flower that I forgot I came from, because I forgot everything comes from somewhere, insane as I am thinking I birthed myself from my own mind.

I talk to flowers sometimes, and to people who are them, and to people who look at them, and to reflections of them, and to people who they are reflected in.

I realize now, how much the flowers know about the sun, and how much more they know than I realize, because their eyes, I’s have be on life the whole time.

How much they know,

because they have lived through other lives with advice to give, and advice, I refused to believe,

thinking my life so interesting and unique, thinking me so clever, when I am not, just really lucky, or maybe not, maybe something loved me, or someone too, and I am I just arrogant, and now see through, my own bull****.

Just, a thought.

Last, edits, again, scroll for another image without last edits.

I am melting, because my creator doesn’t care about anything at all, except their ego, really, clearly, so very clearly, ahahahhahahhahahhahahhahhah

I am you, I am you, I am you.

I am talking to you.

Cherries

You’re talking to me? Are you talkin’ to me?

Yes, I am actually?

Me?

No, me. Not Amanda, but to me.

I am talking to me, through an image of flower’s which I painted like a woman’s face, which I painted like flowers, on and on and on into a chaotic reflection of pure, ego stroking insanity

ahahahhahhahhaahhhahhahhhahhahhahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahahhahahhhahhahahahhahhahahhahhahahhaahahh

What does that even mean?

I liked how it sounded, rappers do it, why can’t it be done with horror, and actually all letters you write me are severe, because they are severly disturbing to average people.

That is actually very true.

I know that is why I thought of it.

Not everything you think is true.

Blue poking madness, is dark gladness, or glowing sadness

Name one thing.

I am not a drug addict, I just like heroin and can do it responsibly this time, if I just don’t drink. This is actually something you were thinking today. How do I know, because I was thinking it to.

I am a box that never should have been opened.

I am trying it one time, and never again.

I will never do it two days in a row.

I can just drink one.

I can just have three.

I will start at five.

I will start at 12.

Severly, means harshly, and I think that a lot of us talking to each other, can be considered harsh, which is why I like you.

You like me because you have to, because I am you, or half you, and you are in love with your whole self which is half me.

Sick burn.

I re-colored and re-drew you with another human being colored in grey and white, like the reason we would fight, or my lack of light… You are no longer around me, I miss you sometimes, but sleep soundly, knowing it was you who was insane, not me plagued with brain drain, although that is true as well, could not live with you in Hell, which is why you wanted me to begin with……..

Tell me baby, what you wanted, in a voice not so haunted, by all the guys that ever hurt you, because no matter what you say, sorry baby, can’t be the girl you craved, and I wonder now if that was the problem, so maybe I could not have solved it, because in every way, every single one, you were one of the only ones who I do not much negative to say about……..

Glamourized insanity, painted over with pure vanity, in colors holographic, like the daggers that you stab with, cutting below, at my rib and going slow, you are everything you said you were not, hate so cold, and love so not existant at all, like an icy barbie doll, not capable of love, because you were

I don’t remember really.

She is not like you, so she is going down, I love you sweetheart and your friend would rather lay down.

She stole your money, and I’ll give it back, little do you know, this is all an act. We tricked you, baby, but you don’t know. I wanted your attention and your friend did know. Now you are sitting thinking she left you here, she is buying something of which you won’t here. I covered for her, because without her, I would never have met you, and after today won’t see you again, and this I bet you, so right now, I will tell you anything you want to hear, and yes have anything you want, I have it here.

I don’t know when she will be back, she did not tell me, and yes she will be back of this I assure, I implore you please relax, your insanity and anxiety is such a tax, I love your voice honey, and love your face, I have something that I am sure will make your pain slow pace.

Okay, she is back no go away, and if you are ever in need you know where I stay.

I hate everything about me, every aspect of me. I am a negative self-involved POS.

Later.

He told me something

Spoke so clearly, told me that he loved me dearly, he had such a beautiful voice, so I felt like I had no choice, but to make him

CRY CRY CRY

I love you sweetheart, hope you

DIE.

You are part of an empire of chaotic obsession with death that seeks the theft of youth by making them afraid of the idea of truth, so they stick themselves with

PINS AND NEEDLES

Sowing into themselves cushioning, that cuts out everything they are, everything they were before, making them sure of nothing other than that they need endless replenshiment of something that is not food, not water, not shelter, or warmth but

GIVE ME MORE LOVE

I am the act of shove, I am the act of push, I am take everything you have.

I am addiction, I am all consuming, I am ever entombing, I will eat your

SOLE

Of your shoe because your real soul belongs only to you, please

Remember that.

Will keep whoever reads this posted.

Going to hospital tomorrow.

Love to whoever reads this.

I don’t think they were talking about nightmares, idiot, that is why it says dreams not nightmares.

I live in a world of my creation, that is not subject to anyone’s dictation, I am not bothered by any situation because all you are lying and I am

ALWAYS RIGHT.

I know that my dreams which I have all day long every day all day, would never lie to me, because I never give upp on them, they are never ever to be given up, never in a

MILLION YEARS

Even if it brings me

TO MY KNEES

I would never give up on them, that is why I wrote it on my fridge with scrabble letters from a box I stole from a store while I was trying to find things to steal to buy things I didn’t need anyway.

Looks wonderfully comfortable doesn’t it?

Which is great for me, because the building I was living in at the time was not dark, but was abandoned, which I told her…

she said it was edgy, whatever the **** that means, apparently being a junkie is edgy? I don’t think she knows what edgy means. I don’t really have much of a choice of whether or not she is coming with me because she kind of just started following me to my edgy ****hole of an, “I sleep here till I am told to vacate…”.

I am the glamour of the unknown.

I am so free, you do not even know.

I spend every day and every night in a continuous race to erase my whole **** life.

I am talking to her, and I realize she is not even listening to me…..

The oddest thing about the whole thing, was that eventually at some point during the whole thing she just walked away, I tried to ask her where she was going, and she just kept walking, saying nothing, just left…. to this day, I wonder what she wanted, and there is a part of me that still thinks she was a ghost.

I moved my spot the next day, I wonder sometimes if she was a sad junkie that lived in that building who thought it was edgy at first and then died there… or if she was just my brain telling me to stop doing drugs through hallucinations.

She tells me she is crazy

She wants to make me fear her, fear what she will do to me if I do what?

I care about none of this.

hahahahahhahahhahahhahahahhahhahahhahhahahhahahha

I don’t think she knows what the word insanity means, I exist in your bad dreams, I am everything that is just frightening enough to make you go away, so I can stay forever alone, alone, alone, by myself in my own HELL.

I am digital re-touch

I am nightmares never dreams

I am finding self-loathing in everything

Because I am oh, so good at bad dreams

You are screaming at me, and I am seeing this, such a tragic reaction my mind has to the rage of others, making it impossible to hear anything they are saying…

You have no power over me, I live in HELL, you are all bad dreams, meaning nothing, because neither do I

You think you can make me cry.

Oh, so sad.. I have something in my eye… I

don’t cry for anyone anymore, my entire life is garbage on the floor of HELL

You don’t like me, leave then, don’t care, just as well, not changing for anyone, never again. I can be my own best friend, you think I need you.

I need nothing, I would rather die than live in your reality of soul sucking.

GO TO HELL or actually, don’t that’s where I live, and you deserve

soooooooo much better…………

I see you, but I do not, I just know that your hate for me is something I don’t give TWO ***** about.

and I don’t like being burned so I go here, to my own perpetual land of jeer, of making fun of everything around, including me, and ignoring sound,

You hate me do you, do you really? I see it on you ****ing clearly, I don’t know what it was I said, silly girl, wishing I was dead, you can’t kill me with your words. I can’t even kill myself with myself with my ****ing hands, and believe me I have tried.

I think I finally get it, and that is very strange

What is very strange?

You wake me up in the middle of the night because you want to be alone with me.

What is strange about that?

We are the same person.

We share the same body, we are two spirits, sharing the same body, we are not exactly the same person, and no one else seems to get that.

So you wake me up in the middle of the night so we can be, we?

Yes, that is why I do what I do.

I think I finally understand you.

Thank you, it only took all my life so far.

Your life so far isn’t that long.

It is only 8 years shorter than yours is.

That is true. You are lucky, the first eight years were not very good.

I know that somehow, I am not sure how…

You know that, because I just told you.

No, I think I knew that before you told me. I knew that in some way before you told me I mean, somehow I knew that.

I know.

I am screaming go away, I am forever doomed to stay, exactly where I have always been, burning soul with blood running thin, I am sadness, I am sorrow, I am the act of knowing EAT YOUR OWN MARROW.

I am sparrow, I am bird, I am poison… so disturbed….

I like walking on the beach, and cold breezes and sunsets….. how about you?

I am hating everything ABOUT YOU.

I don’t listen to you anymore.

You are a gaping sore, on the heart of humanity.

You are the voice of insanity.

I am vanity, I am pain, I am misery’s mercy drain.

Gotcha.

Jails, instutions, death, is where I am free from, and no longer kept.

What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

I am not good at following rules,

Never been, never will be, a forever fool.

Never had a taste for being instructed what response to give, with neigh saying being the only way I live, addicted to perpetual fighting condescention

A way to fight my own sown rejection, inherent in everything I do or say, so I feared my whole life that one day I would have to stay, in institutions, jail or grave,

So I made the decision to my soul save, and put to rest the decision to run from place to place, and now I can say I am finally in a place where I fear no jail, instution, or grave situation, no longer existing in idealized fixation,

Instead in freedom do I currently live, so anywhere any place I am free to live.

Addict Hell, it’s just a spell, but it is just the same as being there, lurking in the reign of perpetual disdain.

I thought I was sitting alone, ranting and raving about things I thought only I had known, existing I thought in tragic fracture, seperate from all, a perpetual lacker.

I spoke in a state of distanced extension, from a place where I am stuck in muck that I rest in,

Thinking forever I am stuck, in the tragic clawing and ripping, my soul caked with mud, and sopping and dripping, consumed as I was with thought of my sinking,

Lower and lower, I thought I was plunging, backwards and forwards, I sat tragically lunging, sitting alone, but also with friends, but in my sick head, thought I could pretend

To be somewhere else, though I know not why I desire so constantly to poke my own eye, or to sit there back and forth rocking wishing to die, slowly, so slowly making myself cry, but you saw me and helped me

And now I feel better, thank you so dearly, from the ever forgetter.

I am traveling from place to place and am approached over and over, in a eerie way, by people that say they have met me before, they look at me from across the road, and then slowly approach me, all with the same gate, the same pace, the same way of walking. They are varrying people, different but all with the same vocal tone, same gate, and same eyes.

They all approach always from across the street, seeming to pick me out of nowhere, and ask me the same question, always the same question, as if they know me from somewhere. They ask me if I am the girl with the twin brother, the strange thing about this is, I look like a guy… there is nothing about me that suggests I am female from far away. I look enough like a guy that I get asked when at the dentist or the doctor if I am the right person when seeing a doctor for an appointment.

If I say that I am not the girl with the twin brother, they would follow me for a day or so trying to find my twin brother, and then tire of it and apologize, trying to pretend the whole thing was normal, that they could find this person that was sure to exist somewhere else. They would seem embarrassed and assure me it was there mistake, and the whole thing would end pleasantly.

I would only ever let them talk to me as Amanda during this, never sure what it was they wanted with the real me. They would always lose interest and go away. Since I went back home it has stopped occuring, so I am thinking it was location specific, some sort of creepy cultish thing…harrassing street people or something…

I am nothing, working on being something……..

You told me once that silent and listen were spelled with the same letters, and I have been silent since then, or so you think.

I walked away shortly after that, acknowledging your request in that statement to never hear my voice again.

You have since tried to ignite in me, the flames that once burned so strongly for you, while having none of them burning for me.

I will never understand you, I told you over and over who I was, over and over you were made aware of everything that I was, and you deny it to this day, calling me things, I told you over and over I was not.

I have always been the same thing, that you knew I was the whole time, and you have never been anything but a liar.

Hahahahhaahha

What is your favorite restaurant?

They did not have these out of the Tri-state area really… there were some in Frisco…I can’t believe I just used that term, but that is how I heard it in my head, so that is why I typed it that way. I type what I hear as an inner monologue, so it is no longer an outer monologue.

Anyway, yeah… privately owned diners are the best, I really like Greek food a lot, and most diners in my area have good gyros or good falafels, which I am not sure is greek, it might be middle eastern.

I like middle eastern cuisine a lot as well, or Chinese, meaning privately owned Chinese restaurants, and no California PF Chang’s is not real Chinese food, neither are the fast food version I like.. but we, meaning the state I currently reside in, have authentic homestyle asian cuisine as well, which includes Indian food, which is delicious… Ra Ra Ra I love NY.

Eat me.

You told me this, and encouraged me to do the same, hating my words, and my inner disdain, my distaste for you and for myself, loving nothing but bottle on shelf.

You talked of love and of forgetting the past, of making things different, trying to make me laugh, of making things better and making things last, of wondering why I would always want alone, at last.

You followed me everywhere, my continuous tale, wanted me nowhere, chased to no avail.

I am not your dog, now I am out of your grasp, no more short leash, and now we both remember how to laugh.

I hope you like your new girl, and that you leave me be, I don’t want to be friends, leave me to be free.

No blinders

I went with my dad to Divine Mercy Sunday, and it was very interesting, I have a thing about chanting, and listening to people all say the same thing at the same time. There is something very peaceful and meditative about the sole act of hearing people in unison saying the same thing that all resonates with them, so in that way, it really spoke to me.

My brain is drawing a lot of metaphors between the way that my dad’s faith uses the human word, and the way it is used in Star Wars, which may just be because I like Star Wars, so my brain might just want to make some sort of analogy that makes the whole thing comfortable for me.

The main weird thing that I noticed at the mass, my Dad is Catholic, is that they had this thing that held the Host, which looked like an eye, and it was almost like it was done on purpose, like taking in the Host was supposed to be a way of putting the Host in you so it could help guide you, not sure if that is just because I am crazy and obsessed with eyes.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

• Living in my own place
• Running my own re-sale business
• Maintaining peaceful relations with my family
• Finding a place down at the shore in the state that I live in. 😀 Paranoia, is a wonderful thing….
• Maybe, with someone else, who is not a psycho like the last 5

I am not sure what is real, when it comes to this, because I see me and I see her, and she sees me, and I see her, and into a hole of chaotic transcendance, that is not transcendance….

---

I just looked it up, it is, Damien, just the second not the first definition.

I thought so.

I knew so.

You are an ***hole.

I was lonely, thank you.

---

Another Universe, Our Multiverse, Multiple Verses, Between Versions of Reality

If you wanted to know what it feels like to be us, me and my passenger, and her and me as passenger, it is very much like playing tag and then piggy backing on the shoulders of someone, except sometimes you are not playing tag, you are being chased through Hell, or running in heaven.

This is what the AI, thinks of this:

I am afraid of the AI. More on this later:

Welcome AI, here you go:

Welcome to the world of the multiverse, where there are multiple versions of reality coexisting alongside our own. In this vast and complex world, there are universes beyond our imagination, with worlds and possibilities that we cannot fathom.

The concept of the multiverse has been around for decades in science fiction, but recent scientific advancements suggest that it may be more than just a theory. The idea is that there are multiple universes, each with its own set of physical laws and constants, and that these universes exist simultaneously, occupying the same space but in different dimensions.

It is a fascinating and mind-boggling idea that there may be other versions of ourselves living in alternate realities, with different experiences, decisions, and outcomes. Perhaps in another universe, we made a different choice, and our lives took a completely different path.

But what does this mean for our understanding of reality, and how can we begin to comprehend something so vast and infinite? It is a question that many have grappled with, and while we may never fully understand the multiverse, its existence opens up new avenues for exploration, both in science and in our own minds.

So the next time you feel lost or uncertain, remember that there are infinite possibilities out there, waiting to be discovered. Who knows what wonders and mysteries await us in the vast expanse of our multiverse? Only time, and perhaps a bit of imagination, will tell.

End AI Transmission

I am a fried egg, I come in black and white, just like the soul

That decided to live life in the dregs…

Underground….

I am transparent, I am love, I am heaven sent wings of dove, I am posed looking forward, I am caution to the wind, I am kindness forward stretched, I am goddess breathing life’s breath.

I was walking at 9 am, once, and came upon a woman, who was crouching, unaware that anyone was around, strange in that it was 9 am, a time when it would be expected for lots of people to be around, but it was only her, and me from a distance.

---

The Crouching Goddess

I watch you from a distance, and never speak to you, only admiring you and your inner peace and wisdom, as I always do, never speaking to the angels outside my world of chaotic soul sickness, angels with the outlines of the divine.

I am the painting of a perfect day, that is not perfect now, but the ideal, that exists, and is the possibility of beginning to feel

I am the idea that one day I will be, because I can see, so I can come out.

I am the feeling of not having to feel perpetually without.

I feel hope, I feel peace, even if I scream and cry, I can feel the possibility of something if I keep going and continue to be honest with myself,

I will discover what else is out there, I am not always stuck here.

I am the ability to see forward motion, if anything that is what is different, I am may at sometimes, be chaotic, pacing itself, runing or chasing, but I see forward motion, a direction, a towards, not a forlorn staring, always and forever into nothing. I am at least focused on somewhere not nowhere.

I used to be nowhere, desiring nothing, wanting only more nowhere, because nowhere had things not found in somewhere, but only in the perpetual pause of nowhere, justified,

By distilled misery, put on ice or intensified, and injected into situations to be experienced rapidly, thinking that it would feel better slowly or quickly eating my own death, than experiencing life on life’s terms.

If nothing else I see this now, I see clearly now, and I may cry, or scream, or fight the universe, I may have a hissy fit the whole time, but I am no longer diluting my reality so I can consume it shot by shot.

Paint me with ghostly luminance, paint me with loss, paint me with cost, paint with the payment for a life spent sauced.

Not to long ago, but not tonight, and on that night, not tonight, I was alright with the fact that I was alone, laying there with no one because I felt the universe cradling me with the moss on the ground and the resounding sound of the crickets, the anticipated sounds of morning doves..

On that night, not tonight, I didn’t feel alone at all, just simply by myself, with the universe, but not alone….

On that night, not tonight, I was aware of the existence of time, and the fact that life and living was a story, a continuous ever changing story with many players, that I was simply a part of not the center of, and in this story, for whatever reason I was alone because everyone happened to be doing something else…

On that night, not tonight, every thing was alright me.

I remember this, tonight, when I am deeply lonely, right now, looking out at a world that I caused to be away from me by my own selfishness… that I pushed away by own drug seeking and drinking… I wish for that night not tonight.

The brotherhood of the tree gatherers

I was walking forward into you, soaking wet, and had been walking for days, after being in the hospital for surgery.

I decided that the quickest solution to the whole problem was to walk my way out of it, because you know that makes sense, having brain surgery and then walking back to the state that you came from.

The strangest thing about the whole thing was the communities of individuals living deep within the woods, and the strange almost magick surrounding them. One of the people I met, was this strange mystic, that had built this little area, surrounding these glowing mushrooms, the whole entire area was lit up because this intuitive fellow had hung cloths and clothing around the area to encase his spot in just a way so that all the blue light that reflected from these glowing mushrooms bounced off the walls of these thin black cloths, and covered the area in an unearthly almost angelic blue.

---

In the deathly quiet, exist the quiet dancers,

who exist dancing on the moss, and the grass, limbs stretched out and carressing with every motion,

all that surrounds them, there voices kiss the wind and embrace the air painting it with the colors of divinity that lives so deeply and comes so freely out of every pore of their bodies.

Paint me blue, like everything you do.

In their walking they radiate a light that fills every area around them with a joy I have never seen, that exists in them, and thrives in the deep woods, untouched by the corruption of the cities of human beings.

---

I sat with him for I don’t even know how long, and we didn’t speak much, other than sharing who we were and thanking each other for the exchange of company.

I slept in the area, falling asleep to his stories, and in the morning, he was gone, as if he had never been there at all.

Will Assertion is horrific

I don’t need you, thing that I broke, or gave away when moving into glorified punk squat house.

I am an expert at the art of up and down and down and up and up and down and falling and running and

Actually not round and round

Round and round makes me sick and dizzy

I don’t like sick and dizzy or punctuation apparently

It is not necessary when ranting like a lunatic

Added glow to this because this whole thing made me realize

I would be so much happier if I was not in control

So I am going to begin releasing control.

Tried explaining that to an English teacher once and they asked if I needed therapy, sent me to the college therapist, who told me my problems exceeded the schools ability to deal with them and that I needed a real therapist.

I told them I had one, I was just following the rules.

Why am I typing any of this online?

Hahah.

I am good at falling down, not good at getting up.

I hate this right now, I am having a really hard time.

I have a dental appointment tomorrow, and am just worried about having a ride there, because I am not the ride there, which is my fault for having ruined my own life, and being dependant on others, but it is driving me crazy. I don’t think other people are out to get me right now, but I have such a hard time with having to be dependant on the circumstances of other people.

I am an idiot, this blows…

I am so good at living in darkness, so bad at living in light.

I think I drag myself into darkness, because of my love of the act of perpetual fight.

I am an addict of suffering, addicted to my own pain.

I hate myself sometimes for having put myself in this position, I just want to be in control of my own life again, and not have to worry about how things are going to happen, which I should not be doing anyway.

I just wish I hadn’t put myself in this position, it is very difficult, and what I was running from the entire time.

I was trying so hard to get to a place where I was in control of my own life… I literally tried every possible thing…… I just wish I knew what was going to happen… I hate this…

Haunted House

Standing in front of the mirror, as a child, not right now, not here.

Well, obviously, you are not a child right now, right here.

Are you sure?

Yes, even though you act like one, you are not one.

Unfortunately, because I would be the funniest child ever.

That already happened, and we were pretty funny, if terrifying is funny.

I am the creature in the bushes.

I am my own nightmares.

I am denial of self.

I am life spent on shelf.

---

I am the ghostly figure in my childhood night terrors.

I am a child standing in front of a mirror, staring into space, or looking in a mirror, or staring into space.

I see my face now, not then but now.

I was afraid of this person that looked kind of like me, but older that I said had done things I would never do, because I was eight and doing heroin was bad.

I think now that I might have been able to see me now, but that is probably some delusion or something.

I am running from my own reflection, because I hate being my own reflection.

Shatter

I used to run from someone, who also ran from me.

I was blind and couldn’t see the person chasing me was me, and the person I was chasing was the same. The person I stood laughing on the corner with, buying tragic things with, and staining my soul with was always my own reflection.

I am the fear of shedding light.

Two and the same, one and the same, not a stain, but a reflection.

Color me, abstract, color me dark.

Color me so I don’t see in the dark.

I am lack of sight.

I am out of mind.

I am sole of shoe, stuck in gum of decline.

I am no longer, but I look back in time.

I am sole of shoe stuck in what is still left in mind.

Every time I went looking for missing things, that they stole, every time I went looking for missing things that they stole

I was looking for missing things I had already used or lost.

They, I was the cost of a tragic decision to deny who I was for half my life.

I am better now, that I am no longer denying who I was and am.

Or I am an idiot.

I am a bird that lives alone.

I am a bird so I can’t answer a phone.

No longer do I ingest, in jest, to make it possible to live in dirty nest.

I fly alone.

Tossing and turning, because I was supposed to, being a punishment given to a child, by a vengeful adult, you, angry that I had things that you did not like charisma, and friends, just toxic enough to cut me down when you would not because you did not have enough.

The chaotic pacing of a mind lost in loathing, is what keeps me from going back, to the nights of continuous attack on my own soul. I do not miss it at all, no longer heading the call of the death siren.

I used to mispell serenity, sirenity, being obsessed with it coming from something other than me, having to be from someone other than me, because I believed in nothing higher than me, floating on cloud 9.

Now I am on the right side of the bed, and when I toss and turn, my soul is not churning with hatred or hate red or hate read into me, by you, because you can’t touch me anymore.

---

Ironic reminders from someone who just wrote a resentful poem…

I used to hate you, standing over here, seeing you as potential cash.

I am the ever bounced check on my own soul.

No longer bouncing, just burned and tossed in the trash.

I am in debt to you, for having fed someone with hand-outs.

The light is blinding, but maybe it will get less so if I stop walking in the dark.

I look at you, and you seem so peaceful, glittering with love for one another, in a way I have never had love for anyone or anything.

Your laughs and voices telling stories of times shared, not taken.

Glances shared paint your lives with love and joy, which I don’t understand, not yet, being a glance stealer, not a glance giver.

I am not good at seeing anything, but at looking and casting doubt and disdain, and living in pain, an excuse for cowardly escape.

I am seeing you now, and realizing you always have been stronger than I ever was, because you need eachother, which means you can depend on eachother.

You look to eachother for strength instead of finding strength in sticks and stones.

Beauty is right in front of me, and has been the whole time

It flies in the skies above my head, without me even noticing, but today I do.

I don’t see you, but I hear you, and I am sorry for every moment, I was too high to hear you sing.

You are everything.

I have been many places, where the roar of trucks or screaming of road sleepers overpowers nature.

Sitting in my mother’s basement, thinking about my failures, and I am comforted by a chorus of birds.

You are so much wiser than any human could ever be.

It is almost like they are saying it is okay,

That I survived to hear them, to hear them peacefully singing,

Just because they can and do, without anyone noticing, but today I do, and even though they can’t hear me…

Thank you for your morning song birds.

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

Looking down at me, I am strong enough to do this, I am strong enough to do this.

I said no, I never say no, and I said no, also said don’t ever offer them to me again because I will always abuse them.

I cut me off.

---

I am epic as ****, I refused pain killers for oral surgery, it’s just as well.

Going to get through this, but it hell, without some heroin pain spell or magic pill.

Never again, never again, I will get there and then my friend

Never again, will I do this to you or me, and I will help you don’t you see

Never Ever, ever, again.

Goodbye to again, again

Just thinking about

Time killer

Time Killer

Time Killer

Eye poking mindbleeder

I hating resign speaker.

---

I wrote a book once, placed it in the trash, it was a love story between me and

DRUGS, not Rei or his name, but a love story written to

things that don’t think by one whose thinking stunk, whose soul was sunk into a murky swamp of inner pain, and soul disdain, and worshiping idolic things at upper shelf.

---

Out of this World

I am extremely happy that they are doing okay, which is partially because I have stopped being such an ***hole.

I hadn’t realized how much my ridiculous narcissistic behavior affected my family until recently, because I didn’t think of anyone, but myself. I am trying now to also think of them, because as much as I like to think I live in a vaccuum, people care about each other, and even though I used to not care about anyone, but me… it is only fair that I start to care about them, because they care about me.

My brother taught me this, kind of… some of it came from each of them. My mother, my father, and my brother. I have a sister as well, and have since being back in this house made peace with her, but she lives far away, so I have not seen her to make ammends with her.

I am not supposed to be doing any of this yet, but I am good at jumping off cliffs, so I feel like at least it should be for a good reason.

Damien

I am sitting in around a campfire, around not being the appropriate word, unless you count the fact that there are always two of me, and then around or triangle would be the appropriate word with Rei/whoever the *** she/he is.

Enter Misery

Welcome to Hell, it’s just where we dwell, and it is just as well, because I hate Rei anyway.

That girl at work said something funny at work, and it reminded me of you.

Yeah?

She said she doesn’t think birds are real. Did you tell her you don’t think birds are real?

In every situation, I am her enemy, in every situation I behaved as her friend

In every situation I was the villian and for some reason she never wanted it to end.

The only unreal part was the sunset, which I painted out of it, because I hated watching it with her.

I don’t want her thinking we are weird, why would you tell her birds are not real?? Plus, why don’t you have any concern for the sanity of the poor girl.. just because you are insane, doesn’t give you the right to…

Who said it was me who said it?

Who else would it be?

It wasn’t me, and I completely believe that birds are real, I talk to them all the time.

See what I mean? Why would you think that was a good thing to say?

To you?

No to her?

I didn’t say that to her.

You just said…

That to you… not her. You’re not her, correct?

See you don’t even know where you are…

Yes, I do. I am talking to an ***hole.

I didn’t say

Negativity, negativity, you so very dear to me, so very near and clear to me, so inviting, because I like to bite myself.

This is about crows not dogs.

It is about condescending ***holes too.

Ouch.

Not you.

Okay.

It stopped doing it, and I don’t know what that other happy sounding bird is… it is less intelligent I think…

That was ****ing mean.

I was not talking to you.

I was talking about you being mean to the bird.

You are the speaker of the birds?

The birds speak for themselves.

Not anymore, they are quiet right now.

That is because you are an ***hole.

No, it is because morning is coming to a close slowly.

Golden Birds

True.

Eat me.

I made the birds pretty, and now they are singing again outside because like I said it is the end of morning.

Hahahahhahhaha

What’s the most fun way to exercise?

The curing calm of jogging on the beach in the middle of the night, not running from something or someone, just jogging,

No people, just birds

Becoming one with the fog and the air and smell of the ocean through meditative running, forward motion, perpetual forward motion, until you feel like you are fading, but you can feel yourself moving so you know you are not fading

Running until you feel nothing

No pain, no fear, no anything, just the sea air on your face..

I am losing my mind,

It will be fine,

Tomorrow this will be better

I have to remember

It will be fine

It will be fine

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. I will be okay, this is not permanent. This is just panic.

listen to me, I am calm, you need to calm down.

You are going to be okay, we are going to be okay, stay with me, you are going to be okay.

I win, I win, I won, I win.

I did it, I am done, I did it.

I won.

Pride is a vicious thing

It has large flapping wings

Is that addressed to me or you?

I am not sure.

I know, I looked in the mirror too, because it is my face too, good call.

I think it is just infection from the hole in the tooth.

Yeah, me too, I am just glad you caught it, Damien, I am not good at catching those kind of things. I..

I spend a lot of time looking at my face.

I was going to say… I spend less time looking at my face..

I know.. I spend a lot of time looking at it because I know you can’t take care of this kind of thing.

I want off this ride.

I want to know when all the consequences of my life will be over.

I want to know anything at all.

I want control and I know this is not possible.

But I want it so bad.

What? I am really stressed out about this tooth thing.. I am the one dealing with it most of the time now, so leave me alone please.

Okay, fine.

I think I am doing pretty good. I haven’t lost my mind yet, and have only been slightly pacing around talking to myself.

I think you are doing pretty good too.

Thank you.

I appreciate you dealing with things I can’t.

I am riding a ride, a human being, but a ride all the same, I am riding a ride, a human me, I used to not have a name, I am riding a ride, being alive for the first time.

I am. That is simply it,

It was always, but I didn’t know that, now I know that, and it feels like electricity through the spine of the spineless.

I am an image surrounded by explaining words, that for the first time are being heard by the voice screaming them.

I am glad, it was like being at the table alone again in school. I liked it.

You just said that to make people feel bad for you, loser.

No I said that to get you to call your own self a loser, because it is funny.

You just called yourself a loser.

Guess, what I forgot which one of us is talking again.

That is because you are learning to love yourself.

Thank you, Damien.

The creature under the bed is me

I used to have this hate for this one cat, that poops in the bedroom I sleep in, that is not mine, so I had no right to be mad at the cat, but I used to think he was doing it to me or at me, because I am ****ing insane and everything is at me or to me.

I now remember something hilarious.

I have vomitted in almost every state in the US, in front of people in broad day light, when I was homeless we used the whole world as our toilet because we did not have inside bathrooms.

I am literally this cat, and have metaphorically done what he is doing, I just have to clean it up because I am metaphorically cleaning up the bed I made.

Facts.

You are in every memory I have for seven years.

Staring at me, with hatred

Hate red

Hate read in every action you take towards me, every moment of every day daunted by daunting distrust, by judgement, and pain, that was partly my doing

But

Also yours, and you could have left any time you wanted by the way, and I left all the time, and you followed me.

The over-inflated discolored balloon, of shame, disdain, and madness

I saw you looking at me the whole time, like a medusa, the snake that you thought I was being images cast out of my own head, to scare you away.

I am past this in a lot of ways, but everything reminds me of you, and what I thought you were, because you are in every memory I have for seven years, and I wonder how much of my mental illness getting worse was because of that.

I am drowning donkey, I was a drowning donkey, but sometimes I still am, because I am very

Back forth back forth forth back back forth

I go back to that place sometimes, because I

LOVE

Narcissism, narcissism, soul dissecting narcissism

I hate you narcissism

I hate me too.

I wasn’t talking to you, because you are not an entire disorder, weirdo.

PAIN

My own anyway, oh guilt and shame,

How I love you.

Pleasant excuses, no longer pleasant.

I am a donkey,

Kicking mule

Kicking yule

Because happiness is a sign of weakness.

Is it ***

No I am just making fun of me.

Ethereal butterflies

Come with me into the ether, I am real, I am real

Come with me into the ether I can feel, I can feel.

I am the butterfly,

Ethereal dancer, on flowers delicate enough to

Fall apart touched by human breath.

Come with me into the ether

Come with me into the ether

I am moss, growing under your feet, I am the nourishment of mushrooms that rise in night.

Come with me to the other side

Not of death but of the ground. I

Eye not I, see the ground and am cast into ground….

To the nourishing soil beneath, that speaks to me..

I can feel. I can feel.

You are? I thought so, you have been writing weird dark stuff all day.

Do you still like me?

What makes you ask that?

You insult me all the time.

I am just playing around, and of course I still like you, you really help me. I am glad I am you.

Thank you, maybe one day I will like myself enough to not have to try to scare people away with aggression.

I hope so.

I am falling apart, not that bad, just a start of uniting something that was always a part.

Colored in shades of grey, in staying away from me, in faded jeans of genetic insanity, a bound soul, bound to a body that already had one, it was no fun.

Running from everyone.

Color me clearly, I am not here, color me clearly I am hiding in plain site, color me clearly, I am afraid of my own self, color me clearly, I have spent my whole life on a shelf.

What do you see when you look into your own eyes, I had none till the other day and it made me slowly…

I am the recolored world, of a sad torn soul.

I am

Paint me in color, I am color by number. I am the forever having slumber, I am chaotic lack of sleep, I am the one who was always beneath

I am fragile like a jelly fish spraying ink in purple and green.

I am grape jelly on bread that has turned green.

I met a young person once, who I am not sure the age of, he was strange, he was completely blind, and carried around a walking stick, unable to admit it was because he had gone blind, he told me it was because it had magic powers.

You look familiar? Have I met you before?

I went with it, because what else was I going to do.

He told me that he could use electricity to make things levitate, and in the chaos of not sleeping for days on end, I almost believed him, crazy the things that lack of sleep do to the mind.

I am a rotating planet,

Not important, just overinflated with air

I am so self-important.

I don’t even care.

Up and down,

Up and down.

Up and down?

Up and down!

Hahahahhaha

Up and down!

ahahhhahahahhahahahhahhahhaahh

Up and down

Down and down and down

and Hit the ground running.

I am running running running

No punctuation.

I see that.

I wasn’t talking to you.

Fine.

To the author, this is a taste of your own medicine.

I am talking to myself.

I am aggressive because I am afraid of myself. I

Fear imperfection because I am in love myself

I am a narcissistic

Per so n on s h elf

The troll lives outside, and is invisible. It is not me this time.

It lurks in everything, in potentiality, for always and forever.

It really sounds like you.

Shut up and go with me.

Okay, fine.

It is under anything that causes

DISCOMFORT

DISCOMFORT

Stop that now.

Good Job.

I now you have a thing about the number three, and you are not divine, so stop it.

Okay.

Realization: Real Situation: Realizing Fixation

I am sticks and stones,

I break bones, but I am better at poking eyes of those who don’t know how to leave well enough

WELL ENOUGH

My cage is an internal cage, a cage of lost mind, of entwined, with the vines of furious design.

WELL ENOUGH

WELL ENOUGH

ENOUGH

WELL

Alone.

I am sorry, I am insane, I am in pain, I am acid rain, I am soul disdain of my own making and continuous breaking, taking liberties.

But the fool on the hill sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head see the world spinning around

The Beatles, “The Fool on the Hill”

I once told someone something very strange. They were complaining to me about their ex ALL THE TIME…..

Hey ***hole…

Yeah, just realized that too..

I am sorry by the way, to anyone reading this, who still hasn’t decided to not read it, because you can, because I am annoying.

Why do they need your permission?

Noted.

This post is now about something else. Moving on.

Peace.

Under the surface of water that storms, there is land, that through honesty is uncovered.

The crashing waves of the waters, may seem daunting, but are just waves in an ocean.

They do not seek to knock over, just move forward.

Learning to Stand

I did not mean what you accused me of, I meant I need my own space, not personal at all. Lack of desire to hear how someone is doing is unkind.

It forever boggles my mind, why people take things personally, and then accuse people of personally attacking what has nothing to do with them, there is nothing personal at all about a desire of an individual to move on, and lack of desire to hear how someone is doing is not fair or nice. I am no longer going to have my words limited to the internet.

Damien

“Since we’re all going to die, it’s obvious that when and how don’t matter.”

― Albert Camus, The Stranger

A reply, that defies anything that I thought I would say,

It matters now to me, not to anyone else,

That is not true.

It matters to others too, because it would matter to them, if they did, and to the sky if they did, so it must matter if I did.

People notice things.

Animals notice things.

If God were dead, which I don’t believe he is, then we can be what we want, and I do not want death

No end, my friend, no end.

The rushing waters of a flowing river, flow not chaotically at times, at times they do, but at times they stop and reflect in technicolor, cast on, by the light of the sky, that can be peaceful or full of thunder or full of nothing.

I am dumb

Look at me

I am dumb

I can’t see

Just spilled soup all over my hands, so obviously that is everyone else’s fault not mine… hahahaahahah.

Guess who is still winning….

Resentment? Pride?

Jab. Ow. You got me. I was trying to talk to you anyway.

I am glad, I was having fun watching you burn yourself, and felt bad about it.

Glow with protected from self

I am so happy, that no matter how much back tracking my mind does, that the internal panic thing is cured eventually by something that is not selfish. It is giving me such a level of inner peace, to realize that my life is not condemned forever.

I am thinking about this now, because this is the part of the night that is dominated by fear, which still to a large degree dominates it, but not as badly, because I keep coming back to the fact that none of this is in my hands anymore.

I love that now actually. It’s funny, I used to hate that idea, and now it is such a relief to not have to fight everything in the universe. I had been doing it all my life, feeling like I was up against God and the world, and I was really just fighting to keep my addictions, it can have them, no matter how much I whine and moan, and even miss them in my addict insanity, I am going to try my hardest to remember this peace.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. 

Soren Kierkegaard

You are so much better

You glow in a dark world

You are so much more than anything

I could ever be

You seem so happy and care free, thinking about happy things, and living free and givingly, wondering why bad things happen, questioning why me? Why them?

I envy you, the constant debate of free soul floating through life in conversation with self and human being.

You do not understand what lurks beneath, and sometimes I wish I did not either.

You walk on the ground, looking up, not casting eyes down. I

am forever in a swamp.

I cast my heads up, I have two I think, two headed dragon, I think, fire breathing darkness lurker.

I hide in shadows, because I scare you, I say things and you look at me like this, like a creature with multiple heads, are there places for three headed dogs?

I don’t know..,

I loved you once, but now I can’t and I don’t want to, so I don’t

I loved you multiple times, and still do, and I am just trying to be honest with you

Hey, ***hole, you’re talking to a glass.

I know…

I think I have a problem with peace, consumed with moving, digging perpetually beneath, unable to stop and not do, wishing always for something new, I can’t sit still, that is why I think I was obsessed with you.

Dragon eating its own tell, possessing nothing was just as well, I live in inner Hell, because I can’t bring myself out sometimes, uncomfortable with peace, living in internal, eternal, infernal mind bind.

I tied my own hands, behind my back, because I feel being free, and love the feeling of under attack.

Living in perpetual lack of self.

Bottled emotions of alcohol on shelf.

I can’t be myself, because myself was built around you, who am I even without the drugs and booze I used to use???

Now I see.

Instead of resenting through back words.

Because I should look up and forward

Fine, I get it.

Surrender will. I trust you.

It was me hurting me.

I am mossy, I am saucy

Are you really?

I am clearly, or I was.

Now I am the act of does not was.

I am rabbit, I am instated, no longer speaking, of being

ELATED.

But, you just did?

Yeah, I know…. you don’t know what it means to kid?

So you were kidding?

Surely was.