Paintings of Madness

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I remember

I remember standing there with you, but alone, I am not a human being, but one who walks with herd, and cannot answer telephone. I remember walking with herd of sheep, and one unknown. I am not an answerer of call, but a mouth that is sewn, tragically shut, by needle.

I was once a maker of dark colored quilt, sown onto pained skin. I am looking back now, at scarred skin, not speaking of new pain, just of that used to live within, it is no longer, but there is nothing new dwelling in the skin I am wearing.

That is not true.

I know that is not true, but go with me, here.

Okay.

I am not sure where I am going with this actually, thank you for interrupting me.

You’re welcome.

I am only here because I am not, I am fear saved only by someone else keeping me alive. I am two souls in one body, and one is half-dead.

Mouth full, mouth full, choking on noise, I like hate read through play play play with…

I am going to punch you in the face.

The sweet embrace of erase, is the solution to all missing space, and all that matters not, I like fear when it runs through paths that are wrought with fear and choas ascending, I like deer with feet that are trending towards running into cars,

Cars. cars. cars.

What is mine, is really ours.

I am not.

You seem better, face so…

If you say it I will poke you in the eye.

That sounds fun, so will I.

Sounds like blindness, oh see clearly.

I hate you so very much.

I loooooovveee… you, but mostly us. us. us.

I am the fear of stay. I am the thought of lack of… pay.

I have to pay you to stay in your own brain? I like it.

Does it ever feel like you are forgetting which one is talking?

That is because I am winning.

I am self-hatred, read so so clearly.

I am talking, but really not, I am hate read in pain so hot.

I am a condescending self-defending ***hole, who just got tired of this, you lose, to bad, so sad, I am mad, glad, bad,

Going away now…

Silly girl, silly girl, you are my world, you are my world, you turn me up and down, round and round, and into the water.

She tells me, she thinking this area, looks like drinking elephants, I wasn’t thinking about drinking at that moment, but instantly began thinking about drinking when she mentions the elephants, we both start laughing, we are sitting on the ledge, hanging upside down, and looking at this, hanging over the edge, my head hurts from blood rushing to it, my head hurts easier than most peoples.

I laugh and lean forward to kiss her, she pushes me, I am good at falling backwards, for about 30 minutes she thinks I am dead, and for about 30 minutes I am searching for people with booze or drugs under the bridge. She screams down for me, and I come back, some guy gave me something, and I make some stupid joke about drinking like the elephants.

She forgives me.

She looks really good in my shoes, she lost hers looking for me.

I am forever reminded of you Ruby, whenever I think about elephants, which is right now, and yesterday when I saw some earings that looked like the one you lost that day.

Silly girl, silly girl, you are my world, you are my world, you turn me up and down, round and round, and into the water.

She tells me, she thinking this area, looks like drinking elephants, I wasn’t thinking about drinking at that moment, but instantly began thinking about drinking when she mentions the elephants, we both start laughing, we are sitting on the ledge, hanging upside down, and looking at this, hanging over the edge, my head hurts from blood rushing to it, my head hurts easier than most peoples.

I laugh and lean forward to kiss her, she pushes me, I am good at falling backwards, for about 30 minutes she thinks I am dead, and for about 30 minutes I am searching for people with booze or drugs under the bridge. She screams down for me, and I come back, some guy gave me something, and I make some stupid joke about drinking like the elephants.

She forgives me.

She looks really good in my shoes, she lost hers looking for me.

I am forever reminded of you Ruby, whenever I think about elephants, which is right now, and yesterday when I saw some earings that looked like the one you lost that day.

Tell me a story….

Following Me

Forever walking on solid ground

The lights, the lights, the lights

Sometimes, at times, in times, all the time, always and forever, they

I am the green machine

I am envy

I am mean

I am looking at all you lack

I am condescending soul attack

Blend together, not the right word, I am so unheard, absurd, painted, re-done, unspun, spinning, spinning down down down down

Talk to me, sweety, talk to me nice, I am extendeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddd

Through time………..

Are you doing well?

I go back back back

Walk through the thoughts of the dark

I am a polaroid from Hell, that is where I stay and it is just as well….

Well, well, well,

Not doing so good are you?

I color your world with the colors of Disease, Damien, I color your world with the colors of everything your soul lacks, everything that will cause your eventual failure.

Everything that makes you feel small.

I am the voice of Hell and I am the loudest sound of all.

When I was followed by the glowing light that illuminated the night, street lights that would light up as I past them

I don’t know why or how, just simply that they would blink on and off and off and on

Cover me in purple mirth

I am the fuel of nightmares.

I dream of horses

I dream of horses

I dream in color

I dream of another

I live in bile, I live in Hell, I live in forever under dark dispell.

Come back to me baby, don’t let it drive you crazy………………

On and on and on and on always and forever

always and forever

forever and always

Always and never.

What do you see, with your eyes?

That are so unlike mine, but so very much the same?

What do you think in your head covered in feathers?

What do you think that gives you so much peace and calm, and how can I be more like you…

How can I become a bird of a feather?

I am a duck and I duck because I am a duck who ducks my head into the water because I am a duck who ducks my head in the water.

I am a fish who fishes for fish wishing for this one fish that I saw this one time.

I am a mind who mines for mine. I am a mind who keeps in mind that minds mind me, and so I mind them.

I a look out on the look out for things that look out at me.

It is dark outside and I am looking at the water, and it is cloudy, so there is very little light, so I can look at the water without seeing my **** face. I hate my face. I hate everything about it, enough to cut it off. Which explains a lot of my injuries…

You told me I was crazy, delusional psychopath, trying to remove me from myself, telling me I was a psycho delusion, that I was not real. I was Amanda’s delusion, telling me to go away, that you wanted to speak to her, well sorry, she is not real, I am.

I am not her, she was a front, a silly sing song mocking bird, painted on like a mask you tattoo on your face with a dirty needles, infectious disease of resent a tattoo scar, of a human being.

Do I know serenity? Not yet, I have not met her or it, or seen it, or felt it, I am consumed on and off by lack, a cutting out of my existence that is still so deep it penetrates my whole body with memory of every time I paid for misery and got misery.

I loved your company, Rei.

We loved your company.

“If it’s not yours then why is it in your wallet?”, he says to me, and I know she got me, she is in the bathroom dying from doing both our shots, even though I told her she couldn’t handle it… she got mad, thinking I was being selfish.. she spent all our cash meant to get out of Houston on drugs… and I am being selfish… because I have a warrant here, for punching a cop while drunk..

I won’t admit to it being yours, because now if they give it back, it is mine, and I am not a snitch, I don’t give **** about going to jail. I ask for my wallet and say it has medication in it, that I am having a panic attack and need my meds. The ****ing cop gives it to me, and I look him in eye, and spit at him, run to the bathroom after grabbing my wallet he drops when I punch him, he doesn’t have a body cam on him.

He tells me I am going to prison. I bash my head in the wall, and tell him his cam isn’t on, ****er forgot to it on.

I throw up from the force of the blow to head, all over my legs.

Three cops show up as back-up.

They cuff me. I struggle, and get a resisting arrest charge as well as slammed into the cop car so hard it dislocates my shoulder.

They don’t care.

I’ll be out of jail in 3 days.

She/he will have this on his conscience forever.

I used to just consume ****ing other things, and for some reason thought if I drank water sometimes, I would feel okay. I think that is why I was losing pieces of my hands… stupid…

It’s kind of cool though… You don’t need the tips of all of your fingers, to be functional. The right thumb thing was the worst.. I am missing half of it.

Damien

Explanation: Shocking, I am trusted to not have to leave, if there is no one here to watch me…

Now this…

Pond, not Stream of Chaos

I am a duck, apparently, because unknowingly

I have been teaching myself to be less

BANG EXPLODE

Like that, so now I can be alone, and not have people

Worry about me, which is

EXCELLENT

Because it also makes me trust me

_______________________________________________________________

I used to be constantly floating from place to place,

In a race with the human race to consume my tomb in the form of drugs and doom and alcohol which I would viciously consume, in doomed ferocious style, in front of all I know

sowing shame and guilt while also showing pain and guilt through vicious attack on self but also on others eyes, making people cry without knowing why because I am selfish. I am becoming not

I think… I guess.. don’t know…

_________________________________________________

I am a duck in a pond, that is just okay enough with me for now, to not drown

I am not going down

Because I don’t want to

Un-spun I am no longer undone.

I am glad to be trusted, un-dusted, still rusted, but dusting off.

I find myself yelling at this computer sometimes and telling it to stop telling me what to do, because I have already gotten yelled at by Amanda’s parents or my parents heh.. for doing weird shit like yelling at inanimate objects.

Hacer means to do, which is weird because for some reason I always thought it meant to work, which speaks to my lack of understanding of Spanish which speaks to my laziness and self involved nature which highlights why doing anything is work and I yell at objects for talking to me when they are not.

Ew, I view raid

I side view

View is rad

Said is view

Is view ew?

Para dise

Para dice

I am the attack of massing together the mass of the words of purchasing life of strive spent on the death of men and women folk who toke on joking smoke that screams consume me hole soul. I am death’s toll chiming miming human speech. I am reach beneath, spend life ever digging trench of a man who cannot stand. I am the searching act of soul that consumes man with beating hole of heart un-whole. I am the cunning act of shun, I am a disease laughing at life un-dun

I am the consuming tomb of addiction to do

I am everything. I am you. I am killing I am wise

I punctuate with cruel despise. I chose to do what that I want

I have no purpose just to TAUNT

I am your pain your OCD

I am simulated MISERY
LOOK AT ME

I can’t seem to sleep through the night, ever. Not surprising. I have never had a good time sleeping. I am kind of just glad I woke up without blood on my hands, Diane still alive, in the same place, well sort of. I half woke up and flipped the hell out and came out her to write this down, in an attempt shut off my questioning mind. I think I had a nightmare, I had that word and other admittance of fear….. anyway I had some sort of a dream that I was sitting up half asleep and my hand was missing, it wasn’t missing per say….spelling… I have OCD.

Anyway, I am still rocking back and forth, so it is hard to type as fast as I am thinking, and it is insanely disconcerting to be listening to my stupid voice chant words as if trying to cast them on a screen.. screen not scream.

My hand is numb partially, and what… the fuck…. now I am missing… what the hell… I am missing three finger tips… and I think I… I think I had only cut off the one, that one time. Yep. still three. Still three. I check things three times. I feel like I an idiot. I am still rocking back and forth…… I look a joke out of a movie.

I wonder if the fingers have something to do with anything….yeah still

one

two

three

I made this. I feel like I am 5, showing my teacher something I made in class. At least I am still only missing three fingertips, can still use my hands and have not completely lost my mind, given that I can still type words on this screen. She, Diane hasn’t realized I got up yet, so I am going to try to go back to sleep before she does. I really feel like I am five or have no……

Later

Damien

I am astounded by how quiet my mind is right now. I can’t believe how much better I feel recently. I did not realize until today, how draining it was to have someone around me every second.

I think there is some sort of strange activity going on in this factory that I have been staying in. I do not have much to occupy my days, which is pleasant.

I have taken up investigating the affairs of those around me. I am enjoying keeping distance between me and others. I see Diane sporadically. I do not want to engage in another misery inducing situation. I do miss Rei at all.