Fish of Condescending Thought, Bought with time spent looking at the ground while I should have been asleep.

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I wake up, hearing a street sweeper, my head rested against the glass door of a convenience store, I have 30 minutes, to get my stuff out of here, before the cops come and tell me it is illegal to sleep outside, and then make me leave, which I was doing anyway, and they make it take longer.

It is extremely hard to roll a sleeping bag up with a police officer asking you why you can’t do it faster, and trying to explain how you are missing the tips of three fingers, while listening to him laugh about how

“Well maybe, you shouldn’t have done drugs then!”

I know that now, didn’t know that then…

This lady comes up and asks me what I am doing, she is making this harder.

She tells me I need to get a job. I am somewhere else in my head thinking about how I wish I was a turtle, so I say,

“Do you know how long turtles live?”

She thinks this is some sort of veiled threat, so now I have ten minutes to get out of here, before the it takes one and a half hours and a ticket to get out of here instead of 20 minutes.

**** me.

I hate myself, I hate my voice, I sound like a **** when I say anything, condescending **** when I say anything, and can’t do anything normal

Like drink water. I just almost choked on an ice cube… ****.

I drink everything like alcohol still…. doing ****ing shots of water with ice in it. Like it is going to work faster if I drink it in five seconds. What the ****????

I do the same thing with everything, must make everything painful, like just take sips of water when you are thirsty dumb ***

I am man with knife that spreads jam on toast instead of man who jams in head the killing knife that was made for bread.

I am man who does not stab but cuts apart, an apple instead of human heart, I have realized with my eyes that see, coming out of insanity, that I do not have to be Amanda I can be free. I am released from human cage, a player now not just on page, I do not have to employ rage, I can instead say this I desire human bliss, I can give love, I can give kiss. I am not supposed to be anything but free to be me. I should have known this from the start but drugs and booze they sedated heart, so I used my name as excuse to die, a perpetual never ending cry out for

MORE MORE MORE

Make yourself a living sore on the heart of yours so that you can be, so safely chained to me, addiction, you see is my maker, my taker, my soul breaker.

I love you so, baby please don’t go. I need you so… I need you please, I am kneeling on bent KNEES
GET ON YOUR KNEES HONEY
MONEY MONEY MONEY
CASH CASH CASH PLEASE

I GET PAID WITH SOUL DISSECTION
I GET PAID WITH VIVISECTION
I BELIEVE IN RESURRECTION

Can it happen for me to, help me God, can you teach me to be more like you instead of Mary? I am sad and this is scary, common God please my soul fix?

It is already I told you this, this is Damien you fool, it’s you. You can do whatever you want to.

I wasn’t going to do it, but I have just spent the last however long, rocking back and forth about to freaking vomit. This sucks. I am so glad it will be over soon, if anyone is wondering this is happening because I compromised my kidneys, liver, bladder and had to get my gall bladder removed because of drugs and alcohol.

I can’t feel my hands that well because of lack of circulation due to drug use, and I am missing three finger tips. I feel like trash.

I get the infections from chronic MRSA which I have because of being an IV drug user for 8 years or so.

I have stomach damage from bad vodka, and whiskey, so I have acid reflux a lot, and I have a tooth that is killing me because I ripped someone off and they punched me in the face and split an already split in half tooth all the way to the root, which I left like that for 6 months.

Sorry

Damien.

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/147335988/posts/14253

I speak with timorous voice, I am sorry I am a coward I don’t have a choice, so lacking any courage I speak of being discouraged and propelled by the resentment of self. I am a very selfish creature, destruction of myself has been main feature, of life fated to die, trying to stab out my eyes because bravery is something I am lacking. I am prone to vicious attacking, if you know me, you see that’s armor I am stacking in loads piled high stacked up to the sky, I build fortress around my dark eyes.

I do not sleep because I am scared, I used things to keep my lids bare, not a lid on them would be, because sleep I didn’t need, I was addicted to running in fear.

Now I am different today, in a place with a door do I stay, I don’t have to run, I have learned to have fun, and banished the pain in my sore legs.

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
Turn the pages
What can I help you with?
Nothing I am fine, why do I look like I need help?!
Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to…
Well ya did, get the **** away.
Sorry just trying to…
Oh, sorry I am a jerk.

Damien, alcoholic addict in stages and phases reflecting forever in Narcissistic ever quest for self reflection

I mean that wholeheartedly, talking to myself helps me, and I am hoping maybe it will help someone else to see my displayed vanity insanity typed over and over, and it is better to talk to myself on here then cry myself to sleep, or get drunk or high because I am scared. Okay, not going to erase that, it felt very good to write that.

I have a very hard time admitting weakness,

Can I help you with something?

This says to my brain

1. You are paying attention to me
   • Stop looking at me **** it.
   • I am doing fine, if you only knew what my life was like you would look this ****** too, so stop reminding me of how pathetic I am by implying I need anything from you.
2. You have noticed something I am doing that illustrates that there would be any reason I need help.
   • I do everything to the best of my ability at the time, which is very poorly because I am a drug addict and an alcoholic who sucks at everything except engaging in fits of rage or joy on the internet, and I say that lightly because displays of affection towards myself are disgusting. 😉
   • You are telling me something I am doing is inadequate which makes me mad immediately because why are you looking for inadequacy in someone you don’t know
3. You think I need anyone other than myself.
   • This makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to want or need people, because then they can hurt me.
   • I am terrified of wanting or needing anyone.
   • I would rather be rejected immediately
   • Kindness of strangers annoys me, because I am just going to say the wrong thing and cause discomfort for everyone.

Peace.

So I officially didn’t kill the **** after being given permission to. I thought about it. I really did, actually, not that I need to tell you that.. I wrote about it on here, so obviously I thought about it. I didn’t kill him for a strange reason. I like the way he avoids eye contact with me now. It is fun. I think I might be able to make the little **** walk into a car just by looking at him. Then I didn’t officially kill the poor *******. Or, I get to torment a **** the rest of my life, in the name of defending my daughter, I am hoping for the latter, because it sounds fun.

I am just going to act like I don’t know the guy now and stand behind him awkwardly sometimes to make him look like the writhing worm he is, so no more women will be messed with the way he messed with my daughter.

I figure if he doesn’t kill himself, I have fun bored game to play the rest of my life.

This is psychotic I know, but progress… maybe.

At least I don’t have to clean blood out from under my finger nails for hours. I can smell that right now. That is the only time it grosses me out.

With love,

Damien

Not bitter but that of the now permanently elated ever quitter of the life of human ******.

Or, I really feel like ****.

This sucks, but I really think it is part of a wider adjustment to sobriety, which I love because it means it will never be this hard again. Ever, screw that. I am not ever going to fry my brain, char my organs, seer my eyes shut, or pump poison reign through my acid brain veins of human stain inflicted on self.

Okay enough of that. I am starting to feel like life on shelf. I am… stopping NOW.

I seriously feel like I have to throw up from this, and not my vanity induced eating disordered eating dying diet strategy.

I just got back from a meeting, and it was the strangest experience in my life, people cared I was gone, they all worried about me, because I kind of flipped out at the last one I went to and didn’t realize I had worried people. Nothing major or anything, just me talking in a way I didn’t realize worried people, because I am still convinced sometimes, that people don’t pay attention to me, which is unfair because they do, and I secretly know this, and I think I just chose to ignore it.

I am starting to realize the potential I have to have a life, and I am really enjoying the peace of sobriety and clean life. I am still really struggling, don’t get me wrong. I am struggling everyday, all of me Damien/Amanda. I am going to eventually legally change the name thing. I think… It will help me be more accountable, and I don’t really identify as Amanda, sorry self…

No offense taken. I think I might actually finally be making progress, which is great because I am tired of only having my miserable selves as company, it only took me my whole life to realize that… through the insight provide in site in the form of this site, WordPress I mean.

Later

Damien

Ice Cube- “Check Yourself”

Do you step with forward moving shoe? Do you run fearing lack of soul? I speak to me an ever dug whole of hole in soul. I am a shot in the dark taken from the hands of man who thinks they are feeding homeless man/woman, they never knew what they do they were really buy me

PAIN. Heroine without the e because I am the act of girl who used to wish to be well, anything but me. Oh, so free, I was like a dove with no wings who can’t fly.

Self roast of the burnt toast that is the breakfast I was never there to have because I am so bad that I walked out on mom and dad and went to live on the street, isn’t that neat. I am roast of me for you, because I do not kid this is the only way I can save my soul, by roasting it and spinning like a phoenix without feathers, or an ever forgetting pain drain that forgets to thank the Lord and tries to wield death’s sword.

I was SATAN’s word, now I fight for redemption with mention of evil to remember what I am being redeemed from. I am tired of shunning God in act of being sod instead of lover of my creator.

I am not a miss spelling, not there either, baby

I am lame, but maybe I am trying to tell you something

Something true.

I am a sham, a sea gull named life’s last stand, inserted into dying human being.

Listen to me…

Pressing the stressing dressing of the never resting meth head who head is dressed with never rest through pained dressed dance with thoughts of life spent on death

Cash spent on passing glass that reflects life lost or tossed in trash through battery acid soaked lash that hurts so bad it stings my soul or reeking creaking pain hole full of nothing but sin, so I look to Him because I am bad as bad as can be, I am blind man and woman, so arrogant there are two of me. I am in love with self so much I write letters of love to me. You have seen me do it. Do you think that is fun, being that meth spun you spend your life staring into the eyes of yourself hell bent on being anything other than me and feed

feed me drugs, I am a dirty rug,

I am walk on me, baby, I am crazy and will flip out if you do the wrong thing

I am to be feared because I reek of sin, and the only way out is

Trust in Him.

God is my only answer that is a cure to my death ridden soul.

Bury me.

okay.

Pow

Alice in Chains, Man in the Box

I like this song and boxes are cool..

Look.

That was easy.

I am kind of more awake now, see clearly, I am not addicted to caffeine. I need nothing but myself.

Liar.

I need a cup of coffee. This sucks…

I need to learn to use the ****ing

Coffee maker…

I hate being a pathetic loser.

I don’t want to break the stupid thing.

I just did nothing and she forgave me, it took like what not even an hour?

Sweet.

I like how not trying to talk myself out of things works so much better than trying to lie my way through life. It is insane how much of the chaos in my own life I think I caused myself, I am such a *&^$.

I am starting to feel better, physically which is great. That means I can actually start doing stuff other than sitting here..

I stole flowers from one of the other motel’s and gave them to Rei too, and told her I stole them, so she got mad for a second until I told her it was so I could tell her the truth about doing something bad. Now I just can’t go back near that place.

Worth it.

Here’s to Simple Rewards.

Yours

Damien