Does the caged bird sing, no it does not, my love of freedom, has always been supreme, that is not mean, it just what it is.

I love you, baby, but I need to fly.

Diamond

Tell me the truth, tell me a lie, tell me how you will always be right by my side, promise me clearly, promise me you, promise everything.

Always and never, I will never be there, cannot be tied down..

Daisies, are crazy, daisies are fun, daisies grow in flowers, open to sun, daisies know no fences, daisies are free, daisies are just like me.

I am the truth, I am the lie, I can never only be on one side, I am two people, I am not one, I am divided.

Baby, you rock my world, You are everything, or you were for a moment, so small, never tall, nothing more than just a second, Diamonds, may be someone’s best friend, but not mine, I am a rock of a differing kind.

She had many sides, many faces, that had been different places, at different times. She was like me, of divided mind, other sides behaving different ways.

I knew all sides, new all ways, she wanted a promise of always. I am good at all ways, not always. That is hard for me, that I could see very clearly. She wanted to trap, to ensare, to make always there. I am not a caged bird, do not know how to sing, am only good at running, being always free.

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Lack of Clarity

I just made myself laugh for five seconds, that is most of the reason for this post.

I don’t know why we think the world is going to fall apart continuously.

I think it is because it was falling apart for so long.

Good point, but it isn’t anymore right?

It feels like it is still, so is it or is it not?

It isn’t, it just feels like it. Did you ever think it was slightly strange to worry about punctuation while doing this to yourself?

No.

In them I see you, inherent in everything they do, being so seperate from me, so much closer to divinity, so much higher than I could ever be, please bring me closer to you, I have been silent, because I began to use my hands to serve myself, selfish and self-seeking, please take them back, to serve you.

I am looking at the light, and seeing a picture painted before me, with I highlight, painted places I see you in it, I see you, not them, but you in starlight, thank you for reminding me who you are, being, that paints the night sky with luminance, thank you for being there, for those with downcast eyes.

Who would you like to talk to soon?

My mother is the most supportive person in my life, she is the one of the ways I even figured out I was transgender to begin with, she knew before I did, and when I was very depressed after quitting drugs and alcohol, she talked to me about the whole thing and helped by listening to me talk about how I felt. She didn’t suggest anything, just listened, actively and asked me questions, and I figured out the reason I was drinking and using had a lot to do with trauma from having hydrocephalus and various traumatic things like my house burning down, etc. and the fact that I was not accepting who I was.

I literally said out loud to her,

how I am going to be with men if I can’t forget who I am, and pretend to be a girl?

She helped me realize that one of the reasons I used, one, not the only one, was that I was denying who I was.

The woman referred to in the archives of this site as Diane, is my mother, who is with her husband for the weekend at the ocean. She is my best friend, the only one who stuck with me through my insanity and drug and alcohol chaos. I hope to talk to her soon, because the morning is awkward without her. We usually hang out in the morning and make eachother laugh. I thought of a couple jokes that only she will get.

And now this.

I am a bird with a song, and I sing for you, I am up all day long, doing what birds do, I sing not for you, but for them, but it makes no difference, if you listen all day long, I sing with relentlessness.

I am a word used in a weird way.

I scream in color, I scream in death and decay, I scream in colors that paint you took me away. Where your house is, is where I used to live, where bricks are laid is where my branches were, where the bricks lay, is where I was ripped away.

My reality is broken, it cannot be given back, my branches scream with panic attack, I cry in the attack of taken away, my branches screech for me, I bellow for them too, I am dying and it is because of you.

In the night you came searching, you came with a knife, with your friends you came cutting, you came for my life.

You cut me from a bush, you cut me clear off, not my leaves are dying, soon they will fall off.

I brought you a flower, it is nothing.

It is picked from the middle of nowhere, or from nothing.

I mean I can’t remember who you are and was walking, and you are looking at me like you know me, and began talking, and I am holding this, so it must be for you right, and I am sorry, because I no longer have any idea who you are, and this will likely only last a couple minutes, something must have happened that bothered me, and I blanked it out, and now I don’t remember, so here is a flower.

She must have hurt your feelings, this is exactly what happens when people make you cry.

I know this, but I don’t remember why, so it is okay for now. I am just going to forget about it for now.

You should find out why.

Her sky was painted with glowing radiance.

There once was a girl, who loved beautiful flowers, she would stare at them for hours and hours, she would wish she could be like them, fragrant, and joyous, like her name suggested. She always felt that her name was a lie, sometimes so much that it made her very sad, or even cry. She wished to a rose, or a being with anything but toes, a sea lion, a fish, not her, so sad and craving anything, but this, she wished for the bliss of the sun, her life had never been very fun, but she felt obliged to stay, not to take away the happiness of those around her.

She prayed every day, for something to give her a little bit of contentment, or even content to her life, that felt so riddled with questions and with strife. One day a voice, way up high, almost seeming to come from the sky, directed her brown eyes, to the flowers she loved so much, and she decided to begin to alter them in photographs from other people, that inspired her so, she altered the flowers, putting more light in them, thinking herself a painter with the paint brush of the stars, she put the love of a higher power in the things that made her smile.

Daily writing prompt

Are you a leader or a follower?

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Alone, a loner, a long er, which is a long extension of time, spent in the ER, or Emergency Room.

I have been there a lot, and been alone a lot, because of exactly that, now mind you my alone time has not been mostly there… it has been, everywhere.

Pages: 1 2 3

Look at me, look at me, exercizing self-control, silly addict able to keep myself from plunging into dark vacant hole. I have done pretty good at keeping things out of my mouth or my veins, but really done nothing, other than simply abstain, and really done nothing except sit in a chair, and listen to people who have been here and there.

It is getting easier, I really must tell you, I am learning to love

I am a mix tape, I play over and over, and roll over

Everything else, so very much, that was obnoxious I hate everything I say, and wish I had someone else, so badly, but not, need to maintain distance, because love makes me rot, my brain, my brain, I am still insane, and so very vain, and obsessed with myself, I need to stop this, I am getting on my last

NERVE

NERVE

NERVE

Switch Off.

End Transmission.

My life is a mess,

I am now cleaning up.

My walls are wreck, I am scrubbing the walls, with the soap of recovery, maybe the stains will come off.

It will take awhile, but I trust it will work, with the power of realizing I have been such a jerk.

I trust something higher, than I could ever be, with that power I run forward, trusting it makes me free.

I see with blind eyes, I was a liar, I was a thief, I speak of madness, with eyes that were beseeched, consumed by addiction, plagued by lack, they saw nothing but soul under attack, they did nothing, but pace through blank space, slave to addiction, aiming to erase.

They were the eyes of a blind man, a person addicted, they saw nothing at all, they were plagued by a calling, and ever present, siren song.

I am ironic, my existence was pained, drawn to a calling to dive down the drain.

Now I am different, in way less pain, I am getting there by resolving the still present conflicts in my addict brain.

Daily writing prompt

What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?

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I am a moron. I just ran around for a half hour, cursing because I couldn’t find a nicotine vape.

Nothing is about me, everything is about you, I love you so much, love everything you do, if I speak this way, with this kind of language, no one will see the truth of why I live in anguish.

Nothing is about me, everything is you, I love everything you do, would do anything for you, everything I do is great, sorry you cannot relate, I am over the moon, beaming with perfection.

I live beyond detection.

LIAR LIAR

Sole on fire, of my shoe, step on me, make me a prisoner, I do not desire to be free, I live beyond blame, beyond shame, life in vein.

Heroin, heroin, hear me talk, I am addiction, I love to stalk.

I have already done it, it is complete, I have already started, I am on running fete. Defeat is in sight, so is victory, I am on a daily quest, and always will be, I eat with a spoon, no longer shoot fire, I am on a quest, to evade drug empire.

I am seeking to be, so joyous and housed, so free from madness, no longer a louse.

I forgot my lines.

I am made of stone, I drink fishes, I am made of stone, I blow kisses.

Nothing can touch me, not easy to break, I am a woman, I aim with grace.

Speak to me clearly, tell me a story, tell me of darkness, make it real gorey, tell of things that you have no seen, make it about darkness, make it a bad dream, make it fictitious, make it pure fiction, speak it clearly, with very clear diction.

Dance with me baby, you make me so crazy.

Does it speak to you, what does it say?

Does it speak truth or talk of going the wrong way?

Does it flow through you, or is it on top? Is it forcing your tempature to drop?

Is it cold and biting?

Is it warm and inviting?

Is it surging with force?

In the flow of the river, lays death….

Let me flow over, let me through, let me change your tempature, pour over all you do, let me be on you, give me your body, let me change your tempature, lend me your body.

I am inviting, I am over you.

I have known you a thousand times, but noticed nothing, not a thing about you, because I worhipped something that stripped all the color from my world.

You, and all like you

Paint me like you saw me, a black and white rendering of a heart posessed by darkness and moral decay.

I told her and all like her, to stay away, far away from me, desiring nothing, other than what fueled me…

Pushing everything and everyone away, far, far away, now I am left alone.

I knew this would happen, and did not care, addicted to the now

Now now now

More more more

I complain, but know I did this to me, I was so joy us and O so free.

I was addicted to

I am alone.

I am right along side of you.

To be or not to be?

Distended and extended

I am a time eater.

Left with nothing now, I look back, because I am stuck in the creation of forward.

You are not the creator of reality.

I know, but I am the shaper of my future, or one of them anyway.

I have been forgetting to do this, but caught myself thinking about drugs a lot, so here. There are no meetings on Saturday near me, so I talk about drugs on the weekends.

I think it is cool if nothing else that I am almost at six months, well sort of….

Peace

Such simplicity.

So becoming, so become, in becoming, we come undone.

I am a wall, I am a cage, I am the idea of nothing new on each page, I am your case, I am your form, I am the idea of forlorn.

In the begining it was decided, that you are you, and you cannot deny it. You get what you get, you give it all away, you are locked in a cage forever to stay.

I survived a deadly fire, glowing eyes rage much higher than flames or smoke could ever reach, on wings I fly not to be beseeched by scalding hot embers that lay beneath, my wings serve me and I reach heights unknown to human being, and due to this my dear it seems, I remain so far away, from flames igniting on that tragic day, when all you loved was reduced to nothing, and in this setting and pain stuffing, burned all that you had within you.

Sear me seer, sear me deep

I am all that lives beneath

I am all you seek to hide

Everytime you ever cried

Sear me seer, sear me deep

I am all that lives beneath

I assure you, I am delicious.

Food speaks to me, it tells me to eat it, it tells me I will like it so much better than I can even imagine. This is probably because I am

INSANE

I am probably insane… I am actually insane.

I know this, but I wonder sometimes, if there is something to this, something real, if I am hearing something real, that is real to a small segment of people, but experienced collectively, in that it is the same experience shared by a very small segment of the population, so would that not make it real?

But, backing away, I am caught looking back at you.

I am taken back and drop my things and instantly start to start re-gathering them, while falling apart.

I am fine, I tell you, but you know I am not, you stand looking at me, while my face turns red hot.

What is your problem?

I don’t really know, and if I did, I can’t let it show, that I know the answer because I don’t want to tell you.

I found these

I miss you, but I do not, I miss you, with heart in not. I am just living a lie, because I have forgotten what it was like to live with you back then, and as much as I say I am fine and completely okay…

You are lying.

I know.

I am never okay..

You are lying.

I know.

I am meditating on pain because I am addicted to misery.

I am meditating on pain, because I like to eat my own soul.

I am mad. I think there is something wrong with me.

I burned these flowers for you baby, in real life and on here, because

I am ****ing insane.

I am lack of clarity, brought about by insanity and vanity, I am enchanted by misery, brought to you by ms.re, she was the last one to chose to see my face that does not wish to be alone.

You are not that sad, stop pretending to be.

I am meditating on times when I was.

Why?

Misery loves company.

You are trying to keep resentment happy? That is pretty dark.

I love everything about you, baby, so glad, so elated to have met you face to face, you are a creature of grace.

I am nothing, I am magic, I am an eye. I am a liar, I am crafter, I am wordsmith, I am an enchanter, I am the act of lying down, I am taking nothing standing. I am the idea of withstanding.

You are really ****ing arrogant.

Really, I had no idea.

That was great.

So am I.

Obviously.

I know, right.

I am full of hot air

Not a question?

Clearly, can’t you see?

***hole.

I love you baby, I love you sweety, I love you deeply, I loved you sweetly, ever and completely, I hate you hunny, I hate you so fully, so much

She was my lover, she was my girl, she was my everything, spinning round and round, and turning upside down, down side up, upside side down, round and over, and upside all around.

You meant nothing, you meant nothing, you meant nothing, you are nothing to me, leave me alone, leave me alone.

I am happy now, this is all in the past.

Looking glass

Looking glass

Looking glass

Alcoholism encased

Addict in blank space

I loved her with everything I had. Baby, oh baby, why did you not give me anything, when I gave you

EVERYTHING I

had

You were big and I was small. you were big and I was small.

She loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not

I am the lie I am the lie I am the lie I am the lie I the lie I am the Eye am I Eye am I I am I

She meant nothing to me, lie

She meant everything to me, and I meant heroin to her.

My head, my head, my head was entranced with ideas of being dead, with words that were once said, with notions that should have long ago been put to bed, with the idea of being dead, with tragic dances of being lead to places that would make me

GONE

I am yellow, I am tarnished with varnish, I am garnished with lessons learned through pain, but not in vain, not in vein, no longer living in vain, no longer partnered with disdain

I am addict brain, no longer in chains, no longer addicted to disdain, learning to refrain from living in pain, with focus on the idea of retrain.

I love you, baby

Do you really?

Yes, clearly, sweetie.

I meditate now

ON

DIFFERENT

THOUGHTS

Or different things, like the idea of wings, and things that have them.

Golden site in cold dark night

Will of the phoenix, will of the gods, flying so brightly, fighting all odds, you smash into nothing, you fight cold hard truth, you smash into everything, you are my youth, you have no mercy, you were a toy, you were elation, mixed with bitter attempts at joy.

I am a ball of writing agony, I am forever sad to see you go, say it isn’t so, so sorry, oh so sorry, to have to say no.

I long for you badly, think of you in mourning, I wish I was back when I was thoroughly enjoying…

Anything but this, anything but this, please bring me, anything but the sensation of perpetual hit and miss, I am no longer anywhere, anywhere at all, distilled by lack, and oh, so self-involved, I meditate on something, that wasn’t even my past, on an image of success, when I am flea bitten with lack.

I am head over heels, in love with anyone, who brings me out of this, out of resisting my own state of exist

I speak to you private, I speak to you in confidence, I speak to you in honest response which is unnatural for me, and you respond so naturally, and I did not realize it then, but realize it now, and am possessed with desire to in water drown, at the time, this was not possible, baby, oh baby, being where I was, and ever so crazy. I loved you darling, don’t care what they say, I wanted nothing, but with you to forever stay, but I was stupid and drowning in devotion, so I devoted my time, to one who tried to take me

DOWN
DOWN
DOWN

I am now living under

GROUND
GROUND

Well in a basement, really, or a bedroom, but I spend a lot of time, here, thinking of you, and wish I was with you drinking a beer.

Dark Reflections

So, I think I remembered why I hate myself.

Oh, did you really? Do you see it clearly now??? Oh, master of the art of never coming down, off the pedestal you placed yourself on????

You realize you live in her soul too, how does that reflect on you, voice that shouts about everything I do, you are part of them too yes, but why do you act like an infestation, a manifestation of everything they are not.

I don’t know maybe it is because I have been shoved and pushed around, any time the two of you needed something so useful during the act of coming down.

Well, where were you after that, after your so selfish caring act? Where do you go when you aren’t being, like you describe, if your pain is not contrived, let me see through your eyes, which are theirs, not your’s, by the way, at least I borrow, not try to take away.

I never did that and you know it.

Yes, you did, you just don’t show it.

What does that even mean?

I liked how it sounded, rappers do it, why can’t it be done with horror, and actually all letters you write me are severe, because they are severly disturbing to average people.

That is actually very true.

I know that is why I thought of it.

Not everything you think is true.

Blue poking madness, is dark gladness, or glowing sadness

Name one thing.

I am not a drug addict, I just like heroin and can do it responsibly this time, if I just don’t drink. This is actually something you were thinking today. How do I know, because I was thinking it to.

I am a box that never should have been opened.

I am trying it one time, and never again.

I will never do it two days in a row.

I can just drink one.

I can just have three.

I will start at five.

I will start at 12.

Severly, means harshly, and I think that a lot of us talking to each other, can be considered harsh, which is why I like you.

You like me because you have to, because I am you, or half you, and you are in love with your whole self which is half me.

Sick burn.

Silly girl, silly girl, you are my world, you are my world, you turn me up and down, round and round, and into the water.

She tells me, she thinking this area, looks like drinking elephants, I wasn’t thinking about drinking at that moment, but instantly began thinking about drinking when she mentions the elephants, we both start laughing, we are sitting on the ledge, hanging upside down, and looking at this, hanging over the edge, my head hurts from blood rushing to it, my head hurts easier than most peoples.

I laugh and lean forward to kiss her, she pushes me, I am good at falling backwards, for about 30 minutes she thinks I am dead, and for about 30 minutes I am searching for people with booze or drugs under the bridge. She screams down for me, and I come back, some guy gave me something, and I make some stupid joke about drinking like the elephants.

She forgives me.

She looks really good in my shoes, she lost hers looking for me.

I am forever reminded of you Ruby, whenever I think about elephants, which is right now, and yesterday when I saw some earings that looked like the one you lost that day.

Silly girl, silly girl, you are my world, you are my world, you turn me up and down, round and round, and into the water.

She tells me, she thinking this area, looks like drinking elephants, I wasn’t thinking about drinking at that moment, but instantly began thinking about drinking when she mentions the elephants, we both start laughing, we are sitting on the ledge, hanging upside down, and looking at this, hanging over the edge, my head hurts from blood rushing to it, my head hurts easier than most peoples.

I laugh and lean forward to kiss her, she pushes me, I am good at falling backwards, for about 30 minutes she thinks I am dead, and for about 30 minutes I am searching for people with booze or drugs under the bridge. She screams down for me, and I come back, some guy gave me something, and I make some stupid joke about drinking like the elephants.

She forgives me.

She looks really good in my shoes, she lost hers looking for me.

I am forever reminded of you Ruby, whenever I think about elephants, which is right now, and yesterday when I saw some earings that looked like the one you lost that day.

She is not like you, so she is going down, I love you sweetheart and your friend would rather lay down.

She stole your money, and I’ll give it back, little do you know, this is all an act. We tricked you, baby, but you don’t know. I wanted your attention and your friend did know. Now you are sitting thinking she left you here, she is buying something of which you won’t here. I covered for her, because without her, I would never have met you, and after today won’t see you again, and this I bet you, so right now, I will tell you anything you want to hear, and yes have anything you want, I have it here.

I don’t know when she will be back, she did not tell me, and yes she will be back of this I assure, I implore you please relax, your insanity and anxiety is such a tax, I love your voice honey, and love your face, I have something that I am sure will make your pain slow pace.

Okay, she is back no go away, and if you are ever in need you know where I stay.

Spent 100,000 grand on political science masters, and then spent 15 years as a petty criminal while developing an unhealthy obsession with women who will never love me because I hate myself and hating them for it, while drinking and doing drugs which made everyone hate me, including making hate myself and then made excuses for why it was everyone’s fault, but my own, while sitting around talking to myself… and pretending myself is my wife…

Hey, ***hole, I am a pers… well, we are the… you are right….

I don’t even want to be this time…

I feel like ****… I want to get high……

You do?

Don’t do that to me, I am not going to, I am not going to encourage this…

I know, I know.

Peace.

I am watching you

And it makes me so very sad, to see you standing in a place so bad… painted as it is with death of day, a place I am sure from which you should stay far away, given such a pretty face, so tragic it would be for it to be stuck in this space, the place where we have come to haunt, to murmur curses and sadly taunt, the beings that come from above ground land, where I am sure your sweet form must be from and stand on the lands that are populated by better folk, not us my dear, who down here sulk.

There is still time, you can still turn around, you don’t have to be a lurker on this tragic ground, you need not listen to my partner’s voice, just run away, you have a choice.

Above Ground and the Sound of the Lurkers Below, Or the Slow Shouting of GO

She’s got cash, you fool, let’s help her out, she might help us, if we don’t make her go without, so shut your mouth, don’t make her run, come on, dumb ****, let’s have some fun.

Now I am sorry baby, but to get out of here, you are going to need a guide and she is right here, my friend, my friend, she is great, a true sweetheart, with such a pretty face, I’ll be right back, and you will laugh, she looks like me, she is my other half, she will make sure you will be fine and away you’ll go. I am someone you would rather not know, I am sure you will be just fine, look here don’t cry, sweet one, take a beer, go away, baby I am not good with your kind, I am resigned to live in life of decline, so no I don’t have what you thought you need………..

To See Clearly, In deed, I Cation by Ms. Re

I am the act of begining to question your entire reality because you realize somone has been trying to destroy you for seven years, and they are the person you trusted the most.

I am a strange change in the wind, as you begin to realize everything you have ever realized is

ERROR

He tells me birds are not real

Error

He tells me that someone he knows has told him that they heard me say birds are not real.

Error

He tells a story about how my friend told him I said birds are not real after participating in a joking conversation about birds not being real, but instead robots in the sky. He thinks this is funny and laughs with me and my friend.

My friend thinks I am funny, she thinks my take on her hippy stoner questions are funny, she realizes I am trying to make her laugh.

Elizabeth thinks you are insane.

She does? I do not recall Elizabeth ever saying this, and if she did say this why didn’t she say this to me?

They call me spare change, I am the act of re-order everything you know.

Looks wonderfully comfortable doesn’t it?

Which is great for me, because the building I was living in at the time was not dark, but was abandoned, which I told her…

she said it was edgy, whatever the **** that means, apparently being a junkie is edgy? I don’t think she knows what edgy means. I don’t really have much of a choice of whether or not she is coming with me because she kind of just started following me to my edgy ****hole of an, “I sleep here till I am told to vacate…”.

I am the glamour of the unknown.

I am so free, you do not even know.

I spend every day and every night in a continuous race to erase my whole **** life.

I am talking to her, and I realize she is not even listening to me…..

The oddest thing about the whole thing, was that eventually at some point during the whole thing she just walked away, I tried to ask her where she was going, and she just kept walking, saying nothing, just left…. to this day, I wonder what she wanted, and there is a part of me that still thinks she was a ghost.

I moved my spot the next day, I wonder sometimes if she was a sad junkie that lived in that building who thought it was edgy at first and then died there… or if she was just my brain telling me to stop doing drugs through hallucinations.

Miserable Sandwich

Dueling Whiches, God and the Devil

Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.

I used to work at a sandwich shop, and this story is a story about two encounters that I had at this shop on the same night one positive, one negative, the positive was the last one, and it is the one that stuck out the most because it appeared to happen to negate the first one, almost as if it was because the universe knew the first one happened, which is what I think… because I believe that there was something higher than a human being protecting me from the first encounter.

I was the night clerk at a place that made sandwhiches, like I said in the paragraph prior to this, one I am restating this as a way to remember this…

I worked there from 2 in the afternoon until one in the morning most of the time, this day I was only scheduled to be there till ten, until a bunch of strange things all happened on the same day which all lead to the postive experience in the question.

1. We had a man run into the store who had been beaten up by some random guy in a truck that had been following him because the person in the truck hated gay people, the person knew me, knew my situation and knew that the place I worked would allow him to stay there until he could safely get a ride from his mother home, which we did, and he was able to safely get home. All proper procedures were followed and the man was able to be seen off by the authorities into the hands of his crying mother.

Send me all your lost souls

2. A man came into the store an hour before I was about to close, and demanded that we make 100 sandwiches, which we did, without asking if he had the money to pay for them, because he looked like he did… He was well dressed, and looked like he was not the kind off person who would do what he did…

He leaned over the counter, and looked me straight in the eye, and told me I was going to sell him all the sandwiches for a dollar. I said I could not do that, and looked to see if the gas station guy had left yet for the night, because the guy smelled like booze, which could have been reason enough to throw him out.

He then proceeded to ask me a very strange line of questions.

He demanded to know whether I believed in the Christian god, being very clear with me that it was the Christian god he spoke of.

I told him I am Catholic.

He asked me, what my god had done for me recently…

I shrugged, trying to get out of the conversation…

He then asked me if my god could replace the money missing if he took the sandwiches, I said I didn’t think so… He told me he thought it would be like Jesus and the fish thing.. I stopped speaking… at this point he tells me, he is of the belief that most people have chosen the wrong side, and that his god, the Christian devil is preferable.

I stop talking, thinking the man is probably intoxicated and in some kind of stupor.

He eventually leaves, and I close.

Ambience

2. I get home and at this point am done with the whole thing, and am greeted by my ex, the one who I have not spoke about much on here, who tells me that I have a strange visitor.

A man hugs me, and tells me he saw the whole thing at my job, and that he applauds the way I handled it. He tells me that he knows I did the right thing and says he has seen the man reward people for breaking the rules of their establishments if they give him the items for one dollar.

He tells me that he followed me home to make sure I was alright, in his car which is nowhere to be seen. He laughs, says he is glad I am alright, gives me a hug and wishes me well, and I go upstairs, from my window I can see the man driving away, even though I could have sworn that there were no cars around.

I am sitting staring at the ground, in this memory with lack of sound, lack of presence of anyone around, simply staring down not up at the plain old ground. I am thinking about nothing, that is a lie, I am thinking about

She Came Out of Clear Glass

Her, as I am usually thinking about her, but not the her that I usually am thinking about a different one….

I heard this voice…. a strange voice, long ago…. this is a memory… this whole thing… not just this part of it…

THE NARRATOR IS INSANE

You don’t even use my name now…. that’s kind of ****ed up

You have too many names to keep using one or the other.

I have two, and one of them is yours.

Point taken.

Are you going to finish your story?

No…… I think I will just leave it with this……..

I am walking by myself, like always every night, possessed by bottle on the shelf of a wall that is abandoned, by all who do not stand in the wreck that my life has landed in

I am darkness, I am pain, I am embodied disdain.

I am dark acid rain

Reigning down on soul of nothing

I have taken up to living. here… my home is here..

Yes, my dear, I have beer, and nothing… I have nothing to…

This is my home.. this is alone.. my home…

If that’s what you call this …in this building… she thinks this is interesting… drunken creature… following me…

Calls me brave, saying I made some stand against something…that I am standing up for something…. myself I assume.. I stand in my own tomb….possessed by the fire of chaotic desire to consume….

I am glamorization of Hell

I am woman’s desire to dispell everything her parent’s told her not to do

I am where you shouldn’t be

I am do not envy me

She helps me light a fire, tells me she wants to be like me.. free….

She does not see what is really there, illuminated godess… standing at the corner of a dark cliff, wanting to jump

Wanting this….

What is it you want

You want this?

Why?

She talks to me for an hour, and for an hour everything is alright, she has to leave in the morning promises to come back, promises she actually meant everything she said.. I know she is lying…… I am nothing but a night of adventure.. I am nothing but the desire to deny potential…

I am the glamorization of a life of loss..

I am the glamorization of the freedom that is the chains of addiction..

I never see her again because heroine’s do not save heroin addicts…

I have to save myself……

Maybe if I do… one day I will see someone like you again.

Resentment Rollercoaster

Walking Through Posted Traumatic Woulds

Slap in the face, there and again again

In the dark of night a fire burns and creates light, the only light under a bridge, in a barrel without lid, burning free for all with site because no one cares no need to fight to hide anything at all because

There is no love for the ever shoved, no one will come to put it out, no one will scream, no one will shout, they want you warm and then want you free, to die under the bridge on your own bent knee, cast to the ground in twisted form, dying from own hand, and sick with scorn, you did it to yourself, now they can say, and so poor addict is thrown away.

The poor exist under bridges of a country, that forgets the addicted and poor and hungry, that ignores addiction and mental illness, and then questions sadness of it children.

PTSD FLASHBACKS: The Strangeness of the Universe, the Multiverse or the Dance of the Chaotic Chasers

I did this weird meditation thing, so this reads like hypnotic thought:

This partially PTSD flashbacks that happened during a thunder storm.

I am here, but I am not, I am here, but I am caught, I hear you, but I don’t, I exist, but I won’t ever be quite as exactly here, as you, whatever I do, I am not exactly where you are. I exist very far, far away, and also always right next to whoever I am next to. I am next to you, but I am not, I exist, but I can’t exist the way you think I can, we are never exactly in the same place.

I am right where I am, sort of, kind of, but I also exist distantly extended throughout space, drifting faceless, over many different times, many different places, that I have been throughout time. I see them all simultaneously.

I am drifting, drifting, drifting.

I am over and over split between places, parts of me, everywhere I have ever been, spread thin, spread out, far from each other, peices lost throughout the universe.

I used to hate you, standing over here, seeing you as potential cash.

I am the ever bounced check on my own soul.

No longer bouncing, just burned and tossed in the trash.

I am in debt to you, for having fed someone with hand-outs.

The light is blinding, but maybe it will get less so if I stop walking in the dark.

I look at you, and you seem so peaceful, glittering with love for one another, in a way I have never had love for anyone or anything.

Your laughs and voices telling stories of times shared, not taken.

Glances shared paint your lives with love and joy, which I don’t understand, not yet, being a glance stealer, not a glance giver.

I am not good at seeing anything, but at looking and casting doubt and disdain, and living in pain, an excuse for cowardly escape.

I am seeing you now, and realizing you always have been stronger than I ever was, because you need eachother, which means you can depend on eachother.

You look to eachother for strength instead of finding strength in sticks and stones.

The Rise of Bottom Feeders

Chaos

I have chased myself around this house, all around, up and down

Up and down and

In and out

Of this house

With a doubt

In perpetual doubt.

I am vastly incompetant.

I am light

N-ing

I am not light but the perpetual ing

I not God.

I am not lightning

Not divine, just human being running all the time towards realization

Paint me a picture of the blue, paint me a picture not designed by you, but repainted with tragic recolor

I am not God, just sad human being, that had an addiction to power, and lived in chaos, finding peace in letting go of reigns and watching the rain with peace.

Out of this World

I am extremely happy that they are doing okay, which is partially because I have stopped being such an ***hole.

I hadn’t realized how much my ridiculous narcissistic behavior affected my family until recently, because I didn’t think of anyone, but myself. I am trying now to also think of them, because as much as I like to think I live in a vaccuum, people care about each other, and even though I used to not care about anyone, but me… it is only fair that I start to care about them, because they care about me.

My brother taught me this, kind of… some of it came from each of them. My mother, my father, and my brother. I have a sister as well, and have since being back in this house made peace with her, but she lives far away, so I have not seen her to make ammends with her.

I am not supposed to be doing any of this yet, but I am good at jumping off cliffs, so I feel like at least it should be for a good reason.

Damien

I will follow him
Follow him wherever he may go
And near him, I always will be
For nothing can keep me away
He is my destiny

Are you claiming to be a god?

No, I am saying I was doing what the universe told me to.

I pushed a fox out of hole, and he died because I am selfish, or was anyway, I think someone ate him.

The streets of this country are riddled with screaming, every street corner, ever cover of darkness, is surrounded by the screaming criers of the night, who scream in languages only some can understand.

They talk to me, clearly, not her name, but meaning I understand them, and they speak to me in plain English, because that is the language of the country I am in, unofficially.

We talk of survival, not manipulation, but survival, of who is the best person to ask for money, who will likely hand over a dollar, I am good at this, good at awkward prolonged eye contact, I help them, my fellow nightcriers.

I miss them dearly, clearly, not her name, **** her name.

They are just like everyone else, except their lives have been riddled with danger, and because they are addicts they used or drank about it, and the judgement of others, bothers me endlessly.

The creature under the bed is me

I used to have this hate for this one cat, that poops in the bedroom I sleep in, that is not mine, so I had no right to be mad at the cat, but I used to think he was doing it to me or at me, because I am ****ing insane and everything is at me or to me.

I now remember something hilarious.

I have vomitted in almost every state in the US, in front of people in broad day light, when I was homeless we used the whole world as our toilet because we did not have inside bathrooms.

I am literally this cat, and have metaphorically done what he is doing, I just have to clean it up because I am metaphorically cleaning up the bed I made.

Facts.

Realization: Real Situation: Realizing Fixation

I am sticks and stones,

I break bones, but I am better at poking eyes of those who don’t know how to leave well enough

WELL ENOUGH

My cage is an internal cage, a cage of lost mind, of entwined, with the vines of furious design.

WELL ENOUGH

WELL ENOUGH

ENOUGH

WELL

Alone.

“Since we’re all going to die, it’s obvious that when and how don’t matter.”

― Albert Camus, The Stranger

A reply, that defies anything that I thought I would say,

It matters now to me, not to anyone else,

That is not true.

It matters to others too, because it would matter to them, if they did, and to the sky if they did, so it must matter if I did.

People notice things.

Animals notice things.

If God were dead, which I don’t believe he is, then we can be what we want, and I do not want death

No end, my friend, no end.

The rushing waters of a flowing river, flow not chaotically at times, at times they do, but at times they stop and reflect in technicolor, cast on, by the light of the sky, that can be peaceful or full of thunder or full of nothing.

I am the Crow 2.

I am the crow too.

I am the crow to, as well, as an adjective of a human being who steals from other human beings while they are not looking.

I am the crow, two

There are two of me.

Welcome to Hell, Misery painted with wine, and whinning. no winning just whinning, from spendthrift dime stealers.

Penny for your thoughts?

No I am sparring not sparing change.

I am disdain, acid reign, wishing for soul washing rain.

Ahahahahahhhahahahhahhhahahahhahahahhahhahahhahahhahhahhahahah

I am the horrors of walking next to an active user.

I am the non-heroic heroin user.

I am resentment of past action.

I am true admissions of a soul attacking soul attacker

I am hopefully getting over this.

I am actively seeking forgiveness.

I know this comes from something higher.

But I am more comfortable crucifying myself.

I am more comfortable doing this to myself.

I need help.

ahhhahahhahhahhahahhhahahhahhahahhahhahahhahha

I have no tent, because I can fly so high, that I need not sleep, because I am high as Hades.

I am a looter of the looted by life, I am the riddler of strife.

I am the stealer of unwatched things, I am heroin addict, unwatched, on meth, stealing while you sleep to buy drugs.

I am the confessions of an ***hole, who is no longer on drugs.

I loved you once, but now I can’t and I don’t want to, so I don’t

I loved you multiple times, and still do, and I am just trying to be honest with you

Hey, ***hole, you’re talking to a glass.

I know…

I think I have a problem with peace, consumed with moving, digging perpetually beneath, unable to stop and not do, wishing always for something new, I can’t sit still, that is why I think I was obsessed with you.

Dragon eating its own tell, possessing nothing was just as well, I live in inner Hell, because I can’t bring myself out sometimes, uncomfortable with peace, living in internal, eternal, infernal mind bind.

I tied my own hands, behind my back, because I feel being free, and love the feeling of under attack.

Living in perpetual lack of self.

Bottled emotions of alcohol on shelf.

I can’t be myself, because myself was built around you, who am I even without the drugs and booze I used to use???

I got up early with you, my friend, the one who I was always fighting against, I realize now I was fighting me, engaged in constant battle of insanity, fighting light to see in dark, fighting vision on quest of mark, I fight you but in so doing, poision applies to skin, and reason spewing out of my mouth and from my head, wishing for life, but fighting the dead.

Questing for sun, but lurking in dark, I am the eternal question mark.

I fight truth, because I can’t look in the mirror

I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, well.

This is about powerlessness, your favorite thing, and water is cleansing.

OoO Look at you, show off.

OoO Look at you show off.

That is mature.

Says the most mature person in the world.

I enjoyed the Easter thing, did you?

I wasn’t there, you were.

Yeah, you were. You were just uncomfortable.

I can tell you are glad you won, stop rubbing my nose in it.

Stop thinking about putting things up your nose then.

I am an orange, I am a door. I am closed, laughing ripping away orange skin on bare floor.

I eat in Hell

You have severe issues.

So do you, I am you remember?

I don’t have the same issues.

Yes, you do, I am just not lying about mine.

So you think food and water are poison, and drugs and alcohol help you?

I am making fun of myself, because I realize how flawed my thinking is.

Oh, good one?

Yes, learning.

Thank you?

You’re welcome.

I make golden eggs, with a program that re-renders images, because I have no power other than to play with light… or dark.

I remember everything now, I just had someone drill it out of my head, while getting a root canal on my tooth.

A root canal, that dug into the canal of lies, I told myself that made me out to the victim, in a story that was really just a story of one lying junkie that didn’t want to admit that they had fooled themself into thinking no one else knew that every dollar, I panhandled

Every handout I took went to fund an addiction that made me anything but heroic.

I am so glad to be done, so glad to be me, finally, for the first time in my life.

I am still half, that girl, lets call her Lydia. I think she is okay with that now.

I am because I am really also you.

I know, because I am awesome.

I am awesome too.

I know, because we both are.

Being able to deal with getting a root canal without having to be high or drunk, felt amazing, didn’t realize how much weaker being resigned to a life of lies made me feel, so glad to be done with that now, and finally be a whole human being.

So I fell down the stairs, and didn’t injure myself

I just almost fell down the stairs, because I always do things twice, even if I don’t want to because I have OCD and one for me, one for you, but I think that is no longer necessary because I almost fell down the stairs because of it, addict.

I like to do something till just before the point where it hurts me, or the point where it hurts me and I know not to do it again, because then it will really hurt me.

I think I used the wrong word. I do things that hurt me, and I know they will, but I am an addict and I think this time they won’t and that maybe I will do something different and experience a different kind of nicotine sensation, or maybe like always, I will almost fall down the stairs, from vaping.

Re-Touch

I realized, real eyes, resurrected, because of you partially, speaker

I forget often that I can have more than negative effect on the world. I feel the positive effect of others on me, but it has been a long time since I have felt me doing anything that seemed that positive for anyone else. I am very insecure I guess.

I missed interaction with people outside meetings and my family, I am not good at making friends, usually only pushing others away.

I am trying to figure out how others do this, how they exist in a world without the connections made through need. I am only good at aqcuisition of things I needed, that I no longer need, so while I am good at making connections, I am not good at getting beyond the point that people know who I am, and you gave me hope today that I might be able to do that, thank you.

This is a ram. I am an aries.

I am so excited about literally what I just wrote up there, two root canals, not that I want them, but that they are root canals, and not two extractions. I thought I was going to have to have two teeth extracted, and I don’t care about how that would look, whatever about that. Change is good..

I am excited because I knew it would hurt and I knew that I am going to deny them giving me pain killers. I told the doctor I was an ex heroin addict to out myself on purpose, so they wouldn’t give them to me.

I am excited that I actually did the right thing about this. That’s all.

I spent an entire meeting, sitting and rocking back and forth, or talking to myself, or laughing out loud, because I am having a hard time not being on my meds, which I have not been on for 10 years… they are an anti-psychotic, which I subsituted with every drug imaginable, and every drink imaginable. I think I am finally feeling what it is like to be a paranoid schizophrenic on nothing, and it is managable, but not very easy. I am not doing horrific at it, which should tell you something about how much better it will be, once I am properly medicated, and back to seeing a therapist, which will happen in a couple days.

To any of you going through the same thing, keep going it gets easier, and I am here for you if you need me.

If I can say anything, it is that if I can do this so can anyone else! I am crazy, and will tell you it is getting way easier for me, and most of the time I am somewhat content. It will get easier for you, whoever you are, too.

Clearly See See Clearly

To see clearly, clearly see, or experience clarity through the external, which necessitates soul rebirth

My sacrifice, self-sacrifice is a lie, told to me to justify a constant taking, grasping, stealing of joy and mercy or it was, and I am describing what it was not is, as a reflection.

I drive stakes into my arms, a vain act, of pain, undertaken to sacrifice myself to myself to myself for myself. I eat my own soul this way, so that I can say help me I am in pain, and you can see I am, so you help me, and isn’t that insane?

I am stepping back and releazing the harm, that I inflicted making myself my own personal Jesus, driving dirty stakes, forsaking the idea of something I claimed not to believe, but call on every time I fall. I

Was addicted to being hero in everything, when I was simply a heroin addict, jabbing myself with needles, not driving stakes of self-sacrifice into my hands.

I am learning this now, so I can turn this around, and do something else, just don’t know what that is yet.

Our dog hid under the table all night, and followed me around, which is strange, seeking protection from me, when I have always viewed myself as the storm people seek protection from

Stricken

The thunder and lightning, were my grandmother’s favorite thing in the world, she would drop everything she was doing to go and sit and watch storms. I am reminded of how horribly I treated her, when she was dying. She was an addict too, just alcohol instead of heroin, and I was in the begining of heroin use, so I resented her for having an addiction that everyone could openly see, and knew about. She was a large part of why I left, or my resentment of her, and my family’s varied response to her versus me.

I didn’t understand what made up so different, my drug of choice being different only in that it was illegal.

I forgot my heroin use came after her death from cancer or COPD, or some variation of the two. I forgot what my family went through with her, because I didn’t go through the same thing. I only cared about me.

I apologized for this tonight, so I kind of feel better about the whole thing.

Small steps.

https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2023/04/01/weekend-writing-prompt-305-unrepentant/

She is crying, loudly, and annoyingly. I am tired of this ****. She keeps chanting almost, like an incantation,

Unrepentant Addict

like saying this will have any effect on me whatsoever… God has no patience for unrepentant addicts. I know this, my life has not been a life riddled with anything but pain, but I will stay the course. I will not let you beat me, you will leave first, that’s assured.

To the one I left behind

I am not quite sure if “normal” people worry as much as I do, or even if other addicts or other mentally ill people do, I worry every second I am awake, but I hate sleep because I am afraid of death, I didn’t know that, and just figured it out writing this. That is a lot of why I am doing this, I wanted to know who I even was. I was so caught up in defending myself against the attacks of my exes, I forgot who I even was, or maybe was never anyone to begin with. I have never been alone for longer than a month, always partners in crime with another drinker/user and always co-dependent on that person vice versa, we always existed in a symbiotic way, fueling eachother’s addiction. The worst was with Rei/Justin. The entire relationship centered around drugs, at least for me, I think they hate me as much as they do because of that, because at one point they really loved me, and the more that I think about it, while I emulated love… I never loved them as much as I loved the person I left to be with them, whose name I won’t say online because she asked me not to.

I am still partially in love with her as well, but she is still using, and I am so done, and she is done with me. She was always able to pay for her habits legally, she has her ways, and didn’t like my less conventional ways, so when she would kick me out I would go get high with Rei, and one day we decided to go to Cali together.

All the music I post on this site is thanks to my ex, the one before Rei. I loved her, stil do so much. She is the most beautiful person I ever met in my whole life, and she doesn’t even know it.

Rei was just as self involved as I am, which was great at first, because it made me feel better, but we were always ego sparing, except she was not willing to walk away at first, I am.

I always was, and it drove her nuts.

I miss California a lot, which is pathetic because what I am saying is I miss my lifestyle in California, I have an adrenaline issue, without something causing adrenaline release , I create problems on purpose to cause adrenaline release, another thing Rei/Justin hated and my other ex loved.

We used to throw glass bottles against our doors at our house, just to have something to clean when we were bored, and wanted to get rid of them before anyone saw them. Oh my god, I miss her.

When I say I miss California what I am really saying is I miss living on the streets and not caring about anything, because I am weak and this is hard.

Even if you don’t believe what I believe, the whole God or god thing, what I will say is this.. for me the reason it helps me is because in the Christian tradition the use of the character or real person Jesus, makes it possible for me to meditate on the idea of someone doing the right thing no matter what when faced with adversity, which is the opposite of what I do, and as much as I say I don’t care, that is the source of all my self-hatred the fact that I know what I should do, and do what I want anyway. That is one of the driving forces behind why I am doing any of this, I got tired of justifying being a bad person. I thought it might be simpler to just do the right thing.

I was always arguing with my higher power about if they only knew they would have done it my way, until it hit me that if I believe what I believe, and I do, then they know what to do because the outcomes have been weighed and the right thing produces the most desirable consequences.

That really bugs me out, and made me have a hissy fit about it, about the lack of the point of everything for decades. I figured that one out at 8. I almost died during nuerosurgery at 8, and grapled with the meaning of life from then onward.

I am tired of myself.

Peace

Damien

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2023/03/28/your-daily-word-prompt-Wallop-ydwordprompt-March-28-2023/

British people are great, free wallop meaning alcoholic drinks, but also meaning the same thing that wallop already means which is to strike someone very hard. That is perfect. It perfectly describes me when drinking, violent. It perfectly describes the deviant reaction of my brain to an addictive substance, which also being a slang term for an alcoholic drink.

Best prompt ever. Done. Thank you wordpress.

Now this.

I am talking to a reflection of pain

It is telling me trust me, baby, I will make life risky. I am hearing this, and thinking I am bored, and a game sounds fun so, lets go, and I can’t even imagine wanting this now so, no.

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/34771988/posts/4623259682

“I knew I shouldn’t watch, that she wouldn’t want me to. But the way that water slipped around her bare skin rooted me in place. The moon shone down on both on us both, alighting her beauty, and me in sin.”

I have no voice, or choice to move.

I am not man, I am not one who desires food.

I am unlike this woman, I observe.

I am home to nest, I am home to bird.

She does not know, because she cannot understand, I am a tree, and yet I see, her where she stands.

Daily writing prompt

What is your favorite type of weather?

View all responses

I am fan that blows in all weather. No longer is my temper tethered to changes in wind.

I have learned to accept things I cannot change, so I am no longer bothered by the rain, nor do I cry when the sun is clouded by inclement clouds, I am without

Bother, when it is hotter than I can stand, because now I realize it is all going according to something that has nothing to do with me.

I can stand and be, simply free, to experience bliss.

I am able to feel the sun again, because I pay attention, not demanding perfection, but forgetting to mention I don’t know what that is.

I am just simply me, standing outside experiencing something that is not mine. It does not matter whether it is existential or divine.

It matters only that I accept it exists, and is not specific to me, I just experience this, and that’s a gift.

How would you rate your confidence level?

I do not have confidence in myself, because I am not supposed to, I speak of matters I do not understand, and am a two-spirited human being or two human beings fighting for redemption at once. They were paired with each other to save each other. They were both chained to a world of addiction and Misery. I have been unchained from that, and I feel like something helped me, don’t know what it is, but I can’t keep being a selfish self asserting jerk.

Amanda and I are supposed to help each other, because we are both half people, weak and need another person… We have been saved from death because we made a deal with something, over and over in foxholes, we cried out to the universe, screaming in madness, we begged, pleaded with anything willing to help us, anything that would listen, I didn’t care what it was that saved me, saved her. I just wanted to survive, and not be in that place, and see the things they were doing to people to protect their drugs.

I know now that I was a child having a hissy fit. I am done with that now. I am going to try to do everything I can to do the right thing. My confidence is now in that realization and in that I have it within me to do the right thing.

Explanation: Shocking, I am trusted to not have to leave, if there is no one here to watch me…

Now this…

Pond, not Stream of Chaos

I am a duck, apparently, because unknowingly

I have been teaching myself to be less

BANG EXPLODE

Like that, so now I can be alone, and not have people

Worry about me, which is

EXCELLENT

Because it also makes me trust me

_______________________________________________________________

I used to be constantly floating from place to place,

In a race with the human race to consume my tomb in the form of drugs and doom and alcohol which I would viciously consume, in doomed ferocious style, in front of all I know

sowing shame and guilt while also showing pain and guilt through vicious attack on self but also on others eyes, making people cry without knowing why because I am selfish. I am becoming not

I think… I guess.. don’t know…

_________________________________________________

I am a duck in a pond, that is just okay enough with me for now, to not drown

I am not going down

Because I don’t want to

Un-spun I am no longer undone.

I am glad to be trusted, un-dusted, still rusted, but dusting off.

I hate myself, I hate my voice, I sound like a **** when I say anything, condescending **** when I say anything, and can’t do anything normal

Like drink water. I just almost choked on an ice cube… ****.

I drink everything like alcohol still…. doing ****ing shots of water with ice in it. Like it is going to work faster if I drink it in five seconds. What the ****????

I do the same thing with everything, must make everything painful, like just take sips of water when you are thirsty dumb ***