Glow with protected from self

I am so happy, that no matter how much back tracking my mind does, that the internal panic thing is cured eventually by something that is not selfish. It is giving me such a level of inner peace, to realize that my life is not condemned forever.

I am thinking about this now, because this is the part of the night that is dominated by fear, which still to a large degree dominates it, but not as badly, because I keep coming back to the fact that none of this is in my hands anymore.

I love that now actually. It’s funny, I used to hate that idea, and now it is such a relief to not have to fight everything in the universe. I had been doing it all my life, feeling like I was up against God and the world, and I was really just fighting to keep my addictions, it can have them, no matter how much I whine and moan, and even miss them in my addict insanity, I am going to try my hardest to remember this peace.

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I was with a friend of mine, and we were well… doing things you should not do on a beach in the sand.. making quilts of pain.

I am not good at making quilts, I always use a thread that is too long, so long sometimes I get tangled in it, and end up waking up next to her, after she got tangled in it too.

I woke up choking on my own vomit, because when you play with string and swallow it you have to throw up sometimes… I look over at her, and she is not breathing….. I immediately start crying, because that is the right response, make it so I can’t see clearly, so I can’t save my friends life because I had to take a shot at doing something stupid, because I can’t just be sober for five seconds, even if the five seconds would save her

I throw everything out of the way, and wonder where the **** I put that thing…. that thing that you stick up people nose to save their freaking life when they do something stupid and are not the one who has to be me right now **** why the hell did I never learn CPR. Why the hell did I never learn… I know how to say all this stupid stuff in different languages, but I don’t know cpr…. what the fuck….

You cough, and everything is alright.

Thank you God.

I went to the doctor and got the rest of my shots, hep a and b and am still taking my meds for staph infection, I am going to make a psych doctor appointment and get the rest of my health things in order, I have to see a nuerologist, because I have not done that since California. I am feeling so much better since I started living in reality, and not projecting my life into some strange fantasy where I feel so guilty about being a drug addict that I equate it to actually being the one responsible for hurting anyone. I did not realize till recently, how sad and messed up that is, and how it has ruined so many things for me, by my own self sabotage. I think I felt like being some violent social deviant was some how better than saying I was who I was because it made me feel like I had control over my life.

I have control over my life now without having to pretend I was hurting anyone. I was only hurting myself by putting all of that, the weight of all of that on my own shoulders, and making myself out to be some social deviant when I was just a sad addict who couldn’t handle admitting mistakes made because I felt that saying I messed up made me weak. Hurting people would not have made me strong. I am stronger admitting weakness, than living in some sick twisted Misery world where I hurt unsuspecting people who had nothing to do with my inability to accept myself.

I love all you guys who helped me see this. I am so sorry for anything I said out of lack of knowledge about what was really going on with me. I am trying to be better.

Love,

Damien