Lack of Clarity

I just made myself laugh for five seconds, that is most of the reason for this post.

I don’t know why we think the world is going to fall apart continuously.

I think it is because it was falling apart for so long.

Good point, but it isn’t anymore right?

It feels like it is still, so is it or is it not?

It isn’t, it just feels like it. Did you ever think it was slightly strange to worry about punctuation while doing this to yourself?

No.

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I want off this ride.

I want to know when all the consequences of my life will be over.

I want to know anything at all.

I want control and I know this is not possible.

But I want it so bad.

What? I am really stressed out about this tooth thing.. I am the one dealing with it most of the time now, so leave me alone please.

Okay, fine.

I think I am doing pretty good. I haven’t lost my mind yet, and have only been slightly pacing around talking to myself.

I think you are doing pretty good too.

Thank you.

I appreciate you dealing with things I can’t.

There is someone there, who has bad intentions, because they are simply there, and everyone has bad intentions.

There is someone there, and I don’t like them, because they have bad intentions, because everyone has bad intentions.

I am afraid of myself.

I am afraid of being back in padded rooms, which I have been in before.

I am afraid that whenever you help me, it is one step away from the constraints on my arms to help myself.

Control myself, accept the things I can’t change…

I ruined my own life, and I am trying to fix it, and people are trying to help me, stop ripping their heads off with words.

I think everyone is out to get me, because I am an idiot, or that is what it feels like sometimes… both of those things alternating not simultaneous, never simultaneous, unfortunately…. not yet at least. I can never remember when under insane delusion, that I am prone to insane delusions and that as much as it seems like people are out to get me…. just realized why my ex’s hated that wording… they are not out to get me..

That kind of sucks.. because now I have to admit I was ***hole fighting the universe my whole life. I did the right thing and apologized, and it was very humiliating.

Peace.

I thought this was significant for me because it is close to 100, which is crazy. I remember we had to do something when I was a little kid that involved 100 days, I think it was the 100th day of school or something, we celebrated it. The whole thing was riddled with irony actually, because I hated it.

I told my teacher that the day counting was stupid, because it was just counting down your life, and who would want to do that. I think the irony there is amazing, for someone who would later go on to do the drugs that would tick seconds off my life and smoking and drinking. It’s funny I went from being completely petrified by death to being completely petrified by life, or maybe both are the same thing, and it is really just all the control thing? Dunno.

Damien

I like to go to things like this sometimes, because something about it helps me. I have a hard time with my arrogance every day, reflecting on something higher takes me out of myself, and makes me less self focused, which is great because I hate myself anyway, which I am working on, but it is hard to sit with myself everyday, because, most of the time I wish I could break up with me, like everyone else did.. haha…

That was really pathetic… but I am trying to be honest. I think the thing that I appreciated the most about the whole thing is it showed the strength of someone doing something completely out of duty, for something that was not all about them, but a sacrifice. It really spoke to me, because my life has been quite the opposite, and I used to think that made me strong, but I am realizing very slowly, it just makes me an ***hole. I am trying to figure out the middle ground, the way to break the cycle between self assertion and self-pity and self hatred. I am just not there yet, because I am still not able to surrender completely to something, because I am still stuck at the resenting me part.

I really need to work on the whole thing, which I think the first step to is getting over the fact that I am alone, because I need to be right now. I was a self-seeking ***hole and those kinds of people need to be alone sometimes.

https://bluebonnetprompts.wordpress.com/2022/08/21/177/#jp-carousel-180

I am standing at the window, staring outside, and I see something strange.

I am drawn to it, and do not know why. It is a light in the distance, a blue light.

The light flickers on and off, in a strange pattern. It flickers three times, and seems to change when I stare at it.

I stare at it.

It switches on and of three times, separated my 30 seconds each time. This has been going on all night, I noticed it when I got up to go see what my cat was doing, he made a noise and stood by the door, and appeared to be transfixed by this light as well. We stood staring at it, sometimes I think my cat can hear what I think… I looked down at him to see what he thought. He looked back at me, making eye contact with me, three times. We would look at the light, watch it do its thing, and then make eye contact, until the whole thing had happened nine times.

I asked my cat what he thought about it, and he replied, it is taunts me.

I thought back to him, and he replied audibly this time. Taunt. It is taunting me. I am not sure whether he thought this because he was a cat, or because the light itself is taunting us. It stopped about 15 minutes ago. I don’t know if any of this was real.

Today is going to be strange.

Daily writing prompt

What do you wish you could do more every day?

View all responses

Unfortunately I ruined it, so for now I am stuck with this, and I think I am supposed to learn to release control

‘I hate my life sometimes, because I just want some semblance of control over something, not everything, just something. I feel like I have been in a situation, my whole life… where I am fighting to control everything because I control nothing. I get that I am supposed to stop doing this, and I am trying, but it is like being in a rigged chess game, or that is what it feels like.

How am I supposed to be okay with losing, if I know the game is rigged to begin with?

I know this all just addict thinking, resentment based, my life is harder.. that’s why I got high… got drunk… but my life was the reason I got high or drunk…… I am still in the same horrible positions I have been fighting all my life to escape, just lesser versions of them. I don’t get sometimes what the point of all this is, I guess? How am I supposed to trust something that I don’t understand enough to trust?

I guess I want to change the answer of this post,

I wish I could trust in a higher power more every day.

I sleep in oblivion because obviously sleep must be partially that

Because I can’t remember it and that is oblivion right?

That is what is means?

Ob-liv-ion

obviously, I am a living ion.

That just popped into refutation

Def- the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.

Haha. Universe slapping me in the ****ing face, arrogant ******* that I am

Oblivion

Deaf,

Hey Clearly, you hear me

Deaf?

Death?

Oblivion- the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.

HISTORICAL•LAW

amnesty or pardon.

Why are you obsessed with the word ***hole?

Hmm… being dead or asleep, meaning having no power and receiving pardon or amnesty?

Sound familiar?

***hole.

Just realized I called myself my own ex-girlfriend…

Not intentional…

https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/2023/03/13/what-do-you-see-177-13-march-2023/

Where they burn books, they will, in the end, burn human beings too.

 Heinrich Heine, Almansor

I was writing a book, by myself, and my ex got involved in it and made it about us, like everything had to be, about us.

She was writing a different story, an allegory, a sermon, a plot device, for a human being, to be controlled like a character in a story, because she knows the obsession I have with words, and wanted to stick a pen in my eye, so I could no longer see without her help, then bound to her I would not be able to leave.

I am writing a book of my own, about something, although I do not know what it is anymore, because I no longer have any idea what life is anymore, so I need to figure that out first.

I have been burning books my whole life. I have had 3 copies of the book from the meetings that I go to, and I have burned all but two of them. I have burned The Bible, because I thought God would stop yelling at me if I burned His book.

I have burned every single book I have ever written, I have written like five of them. I put this on the internet so I couldn’t burn it.

I could light my computer on fire, but it doesn’t belong to me so I guess that is what has save this one. I am done burning books, I no longer need them for kindling, because I am no longer a homeless addict, running around the streets doing drugs and drinking. I would not burn the first half of this one, that she wrote with me, because as much as it pains me to say so, I still love her, she is just flawed and toxic for me.

I am going to start reading books instead of burning them. Maybe then and only then will I know what all this means.

https://reinventionsreena.wordpress.com/2023/02/23/reenas-xploration-challenge-269/

I am deviant creature, I pretend to be a great teacher, I speak through the addict as preacher, I am of infernal design because I am not kind and write of the peril of men and women like me, because I am the blind one I cannot see that who I am undoing is me. I am going insane, merely documenting my brain, and its moral decay.

I live in a world with fake creatures, yet pretend to be a learner and teacher, while pretending to reflect, sit back and reject that the person I hate gets clearer and clearer with every look in the mirrored reflects of me seen in my work. I am a developer of murk. I am also an arrogant jerk, who is obsessed with themselves and creating this hell that I pretend to use to make points even though I still am conjoined

In my heart and my soul with resentment. I am not that far from those of who I speak, I have the same soul and cannot teach anything to anyone because I stopped just because it was no longer fun.

Damien to whoever is writing my story.

Ps. I can only speak in letters, sorry.