Daily writing prompt

Do you practice religion?

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This is an outcry, of an eye and I, that believes in something, higher, but is used to my soul being on fire with worry, and with eyes blurry from freaking out for hour upon hour, and feeling like I am in tower look down at a plunge into chaos.

Please, something higher than me, help me find peace.

Clearly established is the fact that anything I practice is practiced, not perfected, I am good at the act of neglect, and object, and disrespect self. I am good at hurting my own feelings, and it is revealed in every action I take, every statement I make, and it is a hard habit to break.

I am not good at self-care, of that I am extremely aware, good at making people stare, at me falling apart in open air, good at ripping and tearing at any garment I am wearing while being the center of attention, need not even of that make mention, it is never my intention, but… bleh… I am a wreck, and a pain in my own freaking neck, I wish I could just calm down, and not be continuously going down, down, down, and staring at my own feet on the ground.

I really want peace, if nothing else in this post is reached, let it be the fact that I just want this feeling to go away, and not be doomed to stay in feeling doomed and like my life consumed

By worry.

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Surrender

Do you practice religion?

More swimming dolphins that jump in the light, more swimming dolphins, that know the darkness of night, and jump in the brightness of day.

I am a dark rendition of an image of light, I am a dark rendition of a dolphin swimming during the day.

I represent a person whose mind is prone to stray, from peace that is found outside themselves sometimes.

I am divine, I am mind of God, I am divining rod.

I know love now, that I did not know before, a love that comes from outside humans, from something much more.

Surrender, surrender, you saved my life. I learned surrender, addict in strive. I trust you fully now, with my life, with my life. I learned serenity, last night, late at night.

I felt your power, instead of living in fear, your love for me, and my smallness, was made very clear. I learned surrender, and how to know you, I respect your power, and my smallness, and seperateness from you, I no longer feel like, I am my own god, I learned your power, when my mind was

Un-wound un-wound, un-wound.

Thank you to everything higher than I will ever be, for helping me last night.

Make me strange, re-string me, re-color.

What are you good at?

I am the act of re-arrange, I am reality painted strange, woman or flower, no matter, painter of reality of clatter, the act of noise of reality repainted.

I am the flower of re-render, a reality bender, twisted light, taken out and put back in, a metaphor, for act of sin, God’s light, fighting man’s arrogant act, to look at, and re-cast with put back. I am the act of take and don’t give back.

This is supposed be what you are good at.

I know this, I am talking about images.

What you are talking about is grimaces.

I know that, that is what we are good at doing, we are good at stewing, at the act of change, of re-arrange, at make strange, at different page, different path, cut in half and re-string, at different reality bringing, at re-color.

I am a writer and artist by trade, I am an image maker good at the act of re-create, and make different.

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

To have it all, to begin to know peace, not something I ever thought to be possible for me, to be at peace, to have it all, never thought I would be that tall.

To live by the sea, to see blue green, that is all I truly need, and by

Need, I mean, merely want, I am happy with anything really, I am just an I and an eye that experiences time, nothing more, nothing less, an observer of time, nothing divine, nothing more nor nothing less, just an addict with the ability to focus and re-address.

I am just a silly human being, beyond nothing, just what I seem. I do not want more than I need, to have it all is too much for me, I simply want to be happy, not to have more than I need.

Who would you like to talk to soon?

My mother is the most supportive person in my life, she is the one of the ways I even figured out I was transgender to begin with, she knew before I did, and when I was very depressed after quitting drugs and alcohol, she talked to me about the whole thing and helped by listening to me talk about how I felt. She didn’t suggest anything, just listened, actively and asked me questions, and I figured out the reason I was drinking and using had a lot to do with trauma from having hydrocephalus and various traumatic things like my house burning down, etc. and the fact that I was not accepting who I was.

I literally said out loud to her,

how I am going to be with men if I can’t forget who I am, and pretend to be a girl?

She helped me realize that one of the reasons I used, one, not the only one, was that I was denying who I was.

The woman referred to in the archives of this site as Diane, is my mother, who is with her husband for the weekend at the ocean. She is my best friend, the only one who stuck with me through my insanity and drug and alcohol chaos. I hope to talk to her soon, because the morning is awkward without her. We usually hang out in the morning and make eachother laugh. I thought of a couple jokes that only she will get.

And now this.

I am a bird with a song, and I sing for you, I am up all day long, doing what birds do, I sing not for you, but for them, but it makes no difference, if you listen all day long, I sing with relentlessness.

I am a word used in a weird way.

What personal belongings do you hold most dear?

Everything I had originally is gone, long gone, so I hold nothing dear, except my loved ones, which are not belongings.

Monopoly, monopoly, my life is like monopoly, go to jail, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, go directly to jail.

I am green with envy, honey.

I threw it all away, when I went away, but before all that I lived in places where I lost it all, over and over and over, due to living in cheap apartments, that had cheap landlords, that did cheap things, that caused me to have to leave, without my belongings.

I mean to say, I have nothing I started with, or

Do not pass go.

Do not collect 200 dollars.

Monopoly, monopoly, my life is like monopoly.

Save me please, I am words from another human being, who has a voice, that is written down, I am freedom of speech, under threat now.

I am the voice of a country which protects freedom.

Do you have any collections?

Knowledge of all things, is available, from other decades before now.

Some people would rather burn it out.

I look at them with condescending frown, and wonder what in life, would make you burn things that could be read.

Bring me the dead, um.. I mean books un-read, I mean books you would rather burn, I will give them a different, erm…. um.. turn of the page, instead of turn into fire, and ashes.

The books in the religious category, or the books in the dangerous or LGBTQ friendly subjects are in my library for free in my room.

I am collecting them, but also saving them, and give them to others who want to read them after I finish them or before I do, if it seems fitting.

What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

Color me kind, color me quick, bring back my colors, make my colors stick.

Meditate on kindness, not on the dark, brick back the sunshine,

Do not rip out your own heart.

Speak kindly of gladness, bring out bright ways, learn from my sadness, and my wayward way.

Color me kind

Color me quick

Bring back my colors

Make my colors

Stick

Meditate

On kindness

Not on the dark

Bring back the sunshine

Don’t rip out

Your own heart

Speak only of gladness

And of bright days

Don’t chase out gladness

Speak of bright ways.

I strive for attention, because I am arrogant, and self involved, I am not trying to do this, it is not my resolved mission, I am just used to being ignored, so I do this because I am alone, and to be self assured, if there is nothing else from me to be learned, please take my sadness, and so in life turn, away from what I did, because for you I want, everything I do not have.

I want for you everything I do not have, all that makes you glad, instead of insane, and so very sad, and mad.

How do you feel about cold weather?

Give me to those who mourn the dead, I am blood red.

I reach for the sky, and die in too much sun, I am a gift.

I am flowers of joy, dying for you, we live in the summer and die when the cold consumes, it eats my silk skin, and makes it dies, we do not breath, and reach for the sky, we do not have eyes, and we cannot cry.

We ask May for rain from the sky, we do not drown in water that falls in lack of eyes, we are red like blood and we are alive, we do not have hands, but can touch the sun’s eye.

You can pull us out of the ground to give lies to your sister while she cries.

Have you ever broken a bone?

My wrist, my wrist, my wrist, and this….

I had three of my finger tips amputated due to heroin addiction, annd injection site infection.

I am bone loss

I am the disintegration of neglected, injected, flesh.

I am an amputation due to heroin addiction.

I am forgetting you are a being with flesh.

I am the act of ingest, things that make flesh decay, I am not heroic, and let my flesh pass away.

Share my Experience/Strength/Hope/ through satire and reflection: Ex Petty theif, lying, dying, crying madmen and new career as ?

How do you balance work and home life?

I balance it, by I am working on it **** it. I am working on something, though I don’t quite know what it is yet, because most of my life I have been a career drug addict and alcoholic, whose job was surviving homelessness and trying to hold onto things like apartments and jobs to not be homeless again, how did I balance that? Poorly, that is why I am clean and sober now, and because I got tired of doing bad things.

I am trying right now to re-vamp my life so I am no longer a social vampire, but instead do something good that benefits mankind. I want to use writing and art to help people understand the people whose lifes are like mine, and help those like me do something fulfilling, what does that mean? I don’t quite know yet, I think sharing my experience on here is part of it though, and letting others know there is hope for them, because if I can do it, they can too.

My hope is that my strength to keep trying will help those like me recover as well, and that maybe they will experience joy, and that I will too.

What sacrifices have you made in life?

Discomfort

I am not normal, and it makes some people very uncomfortable, so I decided when I was a little kid to pretend to be normal so everyone could be comfortable, and I wouldn’t make anyone unhappy.

Misery loves company, it loves friends, look at me, look at me, I am so much like you, can’t you see? Can’t you see?! I am so much like you, I do everything you do.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I am so much like you. I do everything you do. I am everything you are. I do all the same things, and have the same types of reactions that you do. 4

I learned how to be so very,

NORM

AL Liar, liar, soul on

FIRE FIRE

Burn me out, I am the life of body without soul, the only toll for a life lived inside a gaping hole of soul ripped out, by the act of scream and shout.

The light of perception is blurry

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

My perception, my perception

It is the oldest I have, my clothing is new,

My life no longer sad.

I have been percieveing with these eyes for 36 years, they have seen many things, experience love, hate, and fear. They are learning to know peace and serenity, but are not there yet, not sure when, or if they will ever be,

But it is my quest, and I am quite glad, better this, I figure than remaining

INSANE

My clothes are new, so this post is silly, as I think my skin is 36, and my soul lays somewhere in this flesh container I occupy, and see through brown eyes into a world that is painted by my perception, painted the way I view it, used to be colored with rage and jealousy, but now beginning to change, and everything going from stained to changed.

I am learning to change my perception, and my clothes, unlike when I was one of the homeless folks and I lived in old clothes, donations that were never really mine, now my clothes, although they are bought not by me, are new, but my skin is still 36, and carries with it the knowledge of 36 years of not being new.

Daily writing prompt

Are you a leader or a follower?

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Alone, a loner, a long er, which is a long extension of time, spent in the ER, or Emergency Room.

I have been there a lot, and been alone a lot, because of exactly that, now mind you my alone time has not been mostly there… it has been, everywhere.

Pages: 1 2 3

Shadow Superheroes

Are you a leader or a follower?

I once lead the line in kindergarten, and then never was allowed to again. I lead us outside, instead of to music class, because I forgot about time, and hated music class. I thought I could lead us wherever I wanted to go and it would be time for that class, also I forgot what class we were supposed to be in.

The line split into two factions the rebels who followed me, and maintained my recess delusion, and those who followed the rules and went to music class.

That is an excellent illustration of my lack of ability to follow rules, which I guess in some way would answer this question.

I go fast.

I can go slow, but before breakfast, I need to

GO GO GO

Pick up fruits listed here…

List your top 5 favorite fruits.

I am a strawberry, I am a grape, I am a pineapple, I like to meditate, on things that make fruit sound funny, I am a fruit, that due to droughts costs lots of money. I am a kiwi, I am a cherry, and now five fruits I have listed and my post is so very

Over.

Or else hunger do I fear…

Forgive yourself, **** you

Daily writing prompt

What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?

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This is not a small improvement, I don’t do small improvements, I do procrastination for 20 years, and then large improvements. I spent all of my life devoted to hard drugs and alcohol, and now I am so done, and tired of stroking my own fractured ego. I need a freaking life. I don’t hate myself anymore, so I am trying to make whatever changes I need to, and making amends with my family. My mother is a really good person, and is helping me a lot. I wrote her as Diane, because I resented the idea of being helped at all, but I am seeing clearly now that she is trying to help me because she loves me. I know now that needing help, and accepting it is a strength not a weakness.

I think the small improvement I can make is try being less of an ***hole.

That sounds like a large improvement, I don’t know. Maybe one day I will get my **** together. I hope so, I am very ****ing lonely.

Yours,

See Clearly

Daily writing prompt

What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?

View all responses

I am a moron. I just ran around for a half hour, cursing because I couldn’t find a nicotine vape.

Nothing is about me, everything is about you, I love you so much, love everything you do, if I speak this way, with this kind of language, no one will see the truth of why I live in anguish.

Nothing is about me, everything is you, I love everything you do, would do anything for you, everything I do is great, sorry you cannot relate, I am over the moon, beaming with perfection.

I live beyond detection.

LIAR LIAR

Sole on fire, of my shoe, step on me, make me a prisoner, I do not desire to be free, I live beyond blame, beyond shame, life in vein.

Heroin, heroin, hear me talk, I am addiction, I love to stalk.

I have already done it, it is complete, I have already started, I am on running fete. Defeat is in sight, so is victory, I am on a daily quest, and always will be, I eat with a spoon, no longer shoot fire, I am on a quest, to evade drug empire.

I am seeking to be, so joyous and housed, so free from madness, no longer a louse.

I love you in green and black

What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?

I am no longer propelled by the forces of inner hell, and the power of pain swells or waves of force pushing me to consume my own tomb, cut off my own legs, while navigating through the dregs of society, because it became clear to me that, that was what I was doing at all, so now instead of remaining small and un-heroic, while trying to be a heroine…

My sun rays come from the sun now, not from the sound of human voice, that was the best choice I could have made, other than choosing sobriety, which are linked you see, she was my using buddy, and we used waters muddy, with great amounts of speed, and black tar, and though I still am scarred… I am no longer scared, because now she is no longer there to scare me, or make me afraid of Hell, or myself, really.

I am no longer the monster in someone’s nightmares, that is the improvement, and I will leave it at that.

Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

Glowing with posotivity

In a dark room, in the depths of hell, lives an addict with pain that is just swell, or swelling, of the mind of the soul, and also of the brain, which caused them to go insane, and come to think strange thoughts, like I don’t need them, don’t need anything or anyone, anything at

All

They are the ones that are smaller then me, though I am so tiny.

My arms are cut by pin pricked misery, and so I have learned a great skill you see. I can just look in the mirror and talk to

MYSELF, or type it on the internet, or scream at them at the top of my lungs, it is really so much fun, see sweet Ms. Re…. we have just won.

Daily writing prompt

What does freedom mean to you?

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I thought myself to be oh, so joyous and free

Joy us and free, us, meaning me and me

I and I

I I

I am a being with the power of two, I am two people doing as they do.

I am always one in chains.

Hey, not true anymore.

Is it not so?

It is not so.

Free dom

Dom, in Latin means master

Free of master, I am a master of disaster, an acid blaster, shooting acid into my own eye, to make myself, own self, I own myself, cry

Cry, baby, why oh why?

Why did I hurt myself so?

Because you are oh, so very bad at saying no.

What are you doing? You sound like a lunatic.

I, no?

You mean, ‘I know.’

No. I meant, you sound like a lunatic, because you are participating, and I always sound like one, and who cares anyway.

I am unemployed.

What public figure do you disagree with the most?

I am a card that ryhmes with stump.

I think I was here first, because instead of think, I thunk. When fighting about facts, I don’t stink, I stunk.

I am a leader of the past, but when realizing this I do not, I am in rage, and my face is hot, I know I lost the election, but sometimes I forgot. I know the tense is wrong but I am a child of rot-

Ten I am in my head, but not in real life. I am addicted to screaming, a creature who creates strive, I throw stones, and am up all night. I write on the internet and scream through the night…

Ouch, sounds like me…

Minty

What is your career plan?

I am without a dream, my dream died long ago, I mean. I had a dream or dreams once, I mean. My goal or career plan was to write anything and use money I made to pay for my life… didn’t work out to well, well the economy in America crashed, so I drank and did drugs about it.

You really think anything would have been different had you been born at a different time?

Yes, I would have been able to experience adult life before hitting rock bottom.

Okay, that makes sense, and seems true.

I am trying now to start a re-sale business, and find some way, anyway, many ways to write for petty cash.

Captionless

What do you do to be involved in the community?

I can do nothing but what I can do, which is not much, because I am not there as much as most.

I can do nothing but what someone who is only partially there would do.

That being said, I provide support to all those who need the advice of an addict/alcoholic/ex-homeless junkie.

I say this with no self-loathing.

I am an ear, an eye, a shoulder, and a hand to those who are in bad situations.

Burning Spray Paint

I am painted

With the embers that

Burn brightly,

In the trashcans, that are lit, by campers of discomfort.

I burn with brightness, that ignites nights whose darkness comes from souls not skies.

This is my life, kind of, I don’t know.

When do you feel most productive?

****

That just made me go insane, and then I convinced myself it is because ….. some narcassistic bull****…. so basically, I feel most productive never, absolutely never. I wasted my entire life remember? Oh, that’s right black screen, my hands, the internet, and this is in my head that I am hearing myself read this out loud, I am sitting at the computer, got it.

Yeah, I am going to say never, I know that breaks the rules of the question or something, I am an addict who never did anything with their life, other than spend like 100,000 dollars of my own money over 15 years on getting messed up, so to say I have ever in my whole life felt productive would be a complete lie, that spits in the face of the idea of truth at all.

I wish that damn **** had not resurfaced, both figuratively in my head, and through trying to contact me, and then maybe I would not be complaining on the internet again….

Peace, I failed, least productive human ever.

What are your favorite emojis?

This is really mean, thanks.
You know I love you, and it is funny.

I hurt my own feelings too, by the way.

Good.

I like the vomitting one, because I used to use it all the time when someone would ask how I felt when I was hung over and they knew I was hung over or didn’t have what I needed to get up and they had the audacity to ask me anyway.

Or, they were concerned and asked you out of concern.

Forcing me to admit weakness in the morning is obnoxious.

Having a human body that is subject to being sick is not a weakness, fearing to admit that you are human is.

Says the person talking to their split personality on the internet.

Burn.

What topics do you like to discuss?

Sarah

I am the one, who people meet outside, who they instantly know, have known their whole life, they tell me their problems, I give them advice, tell them their feelings are justified and I am right, I can see things from every perspective, because I have no set perspective of my own, having no set personality that is my own, I can identify with either side of an argument and it is extremely useful for giving advice, horrible for

Maintaining human relationships, unless they are my mother, brother, or my sister, those are the only ones who still talk to me…

I like giving advice because it prevents me from giving myself advice and sounding like I am my own psychiatrist talking to my ex wife.

When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?

I hated Oregon, so I walked out, and down the road away from those had turned their backs on me and friends who they stole from back long ago when we still talked, and then I began to walk slowly away, in reality not metaphor, I became a ghost to all those I knew before, walking far away till I was gone, and they knew of me in memory or songs we used to sing when we were together, painted in similar colors, like birds of a feather, now they are all strung out together and I am far away.

Now I am far away, where I am sure to stay.

A risk it was but really not, and though in similar circumstances, I got caught when I was in another state, it was at first oh, so great, just simply to be far away from those I hated and wanted to stay at far distance from because they betrayed me, and now, I am in different state entirely.

I don’t regret any of it, anything at all, I am sick of people who get off on making them big and me small. I am done with any of it, any at all. Just glad to be far away from it all.

Blade of

Oh, quiet, you kill me, so slowly, so sweetly, so very completely.

Grass…. grass…

Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

I am staring down…….

I made wallpaper out of trees, I made paper out of life

I am silent reflection, and oh, that looks… so……… fun…

Not wanting to die, but wanting for five seconds to feel anything, so much more…

IiIIIIIIIIIInnnnttteressst…………..

ING

Than the bore that is everyday life.

This is my life everyday, bored as hell, wanting to chase cars like a dog, so I regret nothing, because I am

PERPETUALLY about to jump in front of a car, or off a building, and anything anything at all that keeps me from doing exactly that from hurting myself or snapping like a twig into two peices

We are already two peices, I think we may be four.

Correct

I am an addict of everything, literally everything, right now Advil, Aleve, Caffeine, nocotine, and Benadryl, which is way better than heroin, meth, oxycoton, alcohol, and tobacco. I can run as hobby in a way that is addictive, I run till I literally almost keel over and it feels like doing a shot of heroin, because your body releases seratonin while it is about to have a heart attack. I run in front of cars sometimes, because the release of endorphins feels like doing uppers. That being said, I do not regret my life of addiction, because I would have gone insane if I didn’t do it.

Start writing… I will not do what you tell me, anything, but what you tell me, anything at all, but what you tell me to do, oh, myself, I hate you so very much.

Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

You were right

I was wrong

Just an addict

A tragic song

Just a loser

Who you tried to save

Not your lover

Not your slave

Tell me your story

Make it all about you

I ran in fear from someone I thought I loved

I ran away

I ran away from push and shove.

I ran away did not fight back

Was not strong enough to attack.

I ran away

I was afraid

His hands they struck me over and over starting with my eye and then right in the middle of my mouth as I was talking, conversation turned far south, trying to stop me, I am sure now he was, from moving at all, he spoke of love.

Don’t listen to me, I am clearly out of my mind, can’t you see, I am without light, without Rays of light

He said he wanted to protect me from myself, told me to stop using, get back on shelf.

She says she is afraid of me?

She says she is afraid of me?

She says she is afraid of me?

So he struck me in my eye, and I pretended loudly to cry. Spitting blood in his stupid face

Please stop.

ERASE ERASE ERASE

Please leave no trace

Of him in my mind

Erase erase erase

I hate him please take him out of my mind

Erase Erase Erase

His name was Rei. His name was Rei. His name was Rei.

Just in time

Justin time

Just in time

Rei Clearly, you are so very divine, how I loved you my Rei of Light

How I loved you, Oh, ray so bright.

Daily writing prompt

What makes you nervous?

View all responses

I am everything she is not, and she is everything I am and then some.

I am forever running from myself, and myself, and the shelf on which lay, lie, all the memories which I and I and eye, run from because they make me want to die and cry and lay beneath, forever and ever. I am afraid of nothing but me, and my hands which have been around my own neck my whole life, choking me out of existence, in a stance of persistence waiting for a time, when I am not looking and forever booking events that are creating chances for death.

Engaged in a chase with a girl who is also me, seeking to prove that I am better and should win the right to begin a life that is already started, seeking to shut down a consciousness which is also mine, a life in decline, because it has been resigned to the act of fight each other for domination, when we could have been on constant vacation, with each other.

I live with my best friend in a skin cage, that is the mind of the insane human being, sharing space with addiction and mental illness, paranoid of spending life devoid of meaning fighting to glean any kind of truth, from a memory with no roots because it stands on two grounds, and occurs in a multi-dimensional universe of 3-D surround sound. I am scared of my existence.

What makes you nervous?

I love the taste of my shoe, it is inherent in everything I do. Sticking my shoe in mouth is how my life began to go far far south. I stick my foot way down my throat, so, so far it makes me choke.

I am a letter

I am red

I am a dress

To the dead

I would rather choke on my foot, then have to look down and agree I am soot, I am dirt, I am a liar, I am an ***hole, my soul on fire, you make me sweat, make it hard to breathe, make me cry, want to leave.

I hate your face, I hate the way you look, hate your brown hair… **** sorry, talking to myself. I guess myself is the answer? I thought this was about other people…

I am purple, I am green. I am self-love, interpreted completely wrong, because I need to see a therapist.

I love you so much, you turn my heart to dust, I trust nothing more than you, I love everything you do.

You sound psychotic.

You do too.

I love you too, by the way, so glad we are okay.

How do you unwind after a demanding day?

I used to fire drugs, play games with thugs, and sweep pain under rugs, now I am resigned to a life of pain, as long as it does not go down the drain again. I am no longer alone, I remembered I don’t need a phone, because I am my own best friend.

I never have to be alone again.

I am the nuerotic psychotic, who saw a nuerologist, psychologist and got the gist of the meaning of all of this.

I have a nuerologist, therapist, primary care doctor and am going to be on medication in two weeks, my shunt is functioning, found out I will live with this level of chronic pain the rest of my life and just have never experienced it as an adult because I was always too messed up to know what it was like as an adult. Have not been sober since I was a child.

Self love

How do you use social media?

I am social eyes, I see nothing but the untrue, I see what I project to you, I am projection, protection from rejection.

I am creation of images illustrating elation and creation of dictation of images that are false portrayals of such a perfect life,

Look at me, look at me, I am so very happy and so very free to express myself, so expressive I spend all my life on my phone, because really, I am afraid to be alone.

**** I was talking about myself.

Well, that was fun.

I had a plan, it was a disaster and it failed, unfortunately building my whole life around maintaining and continuing drug and alcohol use was a bad plan… How I didn’t see this before is beyond me..

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

The voice of HELL screams loud out at night, existing in a universe of lack of light, delighting in perpetual fight, and contorting those who try with all their might, but can’t seem to gain clarity of sight because they exist in perpetual spite drawn to thoughts of deep contortion they are conflicted and resort to dwelling in the comfort of complete madness, because of course it is better than blank lackless lusterr for boring life or anger thriving on perpetual strive that is inflicted with their own hands but they can’t see they don’t know where they stand, so now that sit here and right this because they have no one nothing

Hey. Stop that.

I thought it was pretty cool.

I think it is self-deprecating verbal vomit.

I like throwing up on the screen.

Better than what you used to do.

Hey, that was mean, yeah I guess it is but now I look like hell.

I like the way you look.

Thank you, you too.

Miserable Sandwich

Dueling Whiches, God and the Devil

Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.

I used to work at a sandwich shop, and this story is a story about two encounters that I had at this shop on the same night one positive, one negative, the positive was the last one, and it is the one that stuck out the most because it appeared to happen to negate the first one, almost as if it was because the universe knew the first one happened, which is what I think… because I believe that there was something higher than a human being protecting me from the first encounter.

I was the night clerk at a place that made sandwhiches, like I said in the paragraph prior to this, one I am restating this as a way to remember this…

I worked there from 2 in the afternoon until one in the morning most of the time, this day I was only scheduled to be there till ten, until a bunch of strange things all happened on the same day which all lead to the postive experience in the question.

1. We had a man run into the store who had been beaten up by some random guy in a truck that had been following him because the person in the truck hated gay people, the person knew me, knew my situation and knew that the place I worked would allow him to stay there until he could safely get a ride from his mother home, which we did, and he was able to safely get home. All proper procedures were followed and the man was able to be seen off by the authorities into the hands of his crying mother.

Send me all your lost souls

2. A man came into the store an hour before I was about to close, and demanded that we make 100 sandwiches, which we did, without asking if he had the money to pay for them, because he looked like he did… He was well dressed, and looked like he was not the kind off person who would do what he did…

He leaned over the counter, and looked me straight in the eye, and told me I was going to sell him all the sandwiches for a dollar. I said I could not do that, and looked to see if the gas station guy had left yet for the night, because the guy smelled like booze, which could have been reason enough to throw him out.

He then proceeded to ask me a very strange line of questions.

He demanded to know whether I believed in the Christian god, being very clear with me that it was the Christian god he spoke of.

I told him I am Catholic.

He asked me, what my god had done for me recently…

I shrugged, trying to get out of the conversation…

He then asked me if my god could replace the money missing if he took the sandwiches, I said I didn’t think so… He told me he thought it would be like Jesus and the fish thing.. I stopped speaking… at this point he tells me, he is of the belief that most people have chosen the wrong side, and that his god, the Christian devil is preferable.

I stop talking, thinking the man is probably intoxicated and in some kind of stupor.

He eventually leaves, and I close.

Ambience

2. I get home and at this point am done with the whole thing, and am greeted by my ex, the one who I have not spoke about much on here, who tells me that I have a strange visitor.

A man hugs me, and tells me he saw the whole thing at my job, and that he applauds the way I handled it. He tells me that he knows I did the right thing and says he has seen the man reward people for breaking the rules of their establishments if they give him the items for one dollar.

He tells me that he followed me home to make sure I was alright, in his car which is nowhere to be seen. He laughs, says he is glad I am alright, gives me a hug and wishes me well, and I go upstairs, from my window I can see the man driving away, even though I could have sworn that there were no cars around.

Jails, instutions, death, is where I am free from, and no longer kept.

What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

I am not good at following rules,

Never been, never will be, a forever fool.

Never had a taste for being instructed what response to give, with neigh saying being the only way I live, addicted to perpetual fighting condescention

A way to fight my own sown rejection, inherent in everything I do or say, so I feared my whole life that one day I would have to stay, in institutions, jail or grave,

So I made the decision to my soul save, and put to rest the decision to run from place to place, and now I can say I am finally in a place where I fear no jail, instution, or grave situation, no longer existing in idealized fixation,

Instead in freedom do I currently live, so anywhere any place I am free to live.

I am an idiot. I am a jerk. I am a liar.

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

You were not who I painted you out to be, obviously, clearly, painted, seen through tainted lens, made obvious to everyone but me.

Lens painted by lack of clarity.

The real story is that you did not trust me. You were up my ***, confidence in me, rusted, by lack of knowledge of what I was like, which was fair, heroin addict, addicted to strife.

I forgot what it was like to be you, was unable to lift myself out of my lack of shoes.

I forgot what you had done because I hated myself.

Forgot how you had found me

Forgot who I used to be

Forgot the pulling, and the lifting from the street……

I am so sorry……….

I hate admitting that you helped me……….

I hate admitting that I failed…

I hate admitting that I needed anyone at all……….

I hate admitting that I couldn’t do ANYTHING on my own………….

I still resent myself for being an addict

I still resent myself for being an alcoholic

I am working on this

But I know now

I love you for what you did for me

I am so sorry for what I did all these years to you

You are also not who I painted you to be

That was a reflection of my own weakness

And unwillingness to accept that I can’t handle my own ****

I

Hahahahhaahha

What is your favorite restaurant?

They did not have these out of the Tri-state area really… there were some in Frisco…I can’t believe I just used that term, but that is how I heard it in my head, so that is why I typed it that way. I type what I hear as an inner monologue, so it is no longer an outer monologue.

Anyway, yeah… privately owned diners are the best, I really like Greek food a lot, and most diners in my area have good gyros or good falafels, which I am not sure is greek, it might be middle eastern.

I like middle eastern cuisine a lot as well, or Chinese, meaning privately owned Chinese restaurants, and no California PF Chang’s is not real Chinese food, neither are the fast food version I like.. but we, meaning the state I currently reside in, have authentic homestyle asian cuisine as well, which includes Indian food, which is delicious… Ra Ra Ra I love NY.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

• Living in my own place
• Running my own re-sale business
• Maintaining peaceful relations with my family
• Finding a place down at the shore in the state that I live in. 😀 Paranoia, is a wonderful thing….
• Maybe, with someone else, who is not a psycho like the last 5

I am the heart of glass, I am fragile, but that will pass, filled with darkness from the past, but given peace I think will last.

What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?

• Clean Clothes
• Access to running water
• Safe place to sleep
• Waking up to seeing my family
• Access to coffee, nicotine, and food

“Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don’t have to live forever. You just have to live.”

Natalie Babbit, Tuck Everlasting

In a tunnel in California, I am reminded of my friend, who had traveled the world, and given everything to a woman, who wasted it all before wasting away herself.

She was addicted to heroin, ironic because she was his heroine herself, dying tragically of cancer, while he paid to ease her suffering, not caring that she was spending all of his money, he only cared that he was doing whatever she asked.

I saw so much suffering out there, so much pain, I was so used to it, it is still hard to see anything else. I look for it even now, as I write this to you, but I am starting to open my eyes, and be able to see clearly, they have been shut a long time….

Describe something you learned in high school.

Damien:

I have always been a very lonely person. This is not because people ignore me or anything. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut when I feel a certain way, so I have always had very select friends, and sometimes no friends. I learned in highschool that I am happier this way than trying to be friends with everyone. Disingenious behavior makes me extremely depressed.

Amanda:

I learned how easy it is for me to figure out exactly what it is that people want me to say. It is like there is a right programmed response for everything.

---

That is really ****ed up, don’t you think? Like do you really want to admit that?

Yes, because that is how we survived, aside from the grace of God.

Okay, fine.

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

Looking down at me, I am strong enough to do this, I am strong enough to do this.

I said no, I never say no, and I said no, also said don’t ever offer them to me again because I will always abuse them.

I cut me off.

---

I am epic as ****, I refused pain killers for oral surgery, it’s just as well.

Going to get through this, but it hell, without some heroin pain spell or magic pill.

Never again, never again, I will get there and then my friend

Never again, will I do this to you or me, and I will help you don’t you see

Never Ever, ever, again.

Goodbye to again, again

Just thinking about

Time killer

Time Killer

Time Killer

Eye poking mindbleeder

I hating resign speaker.

---

I wrote a book once, placed it in the trash, it was a love story between me and

DRUGS, not Rei or his name, but a love story written to

things that don’t think by one whose thinking stunk, whose soul was sunk into a murky swamp of inner pain, and soul disdain, and worshiping idolic things at upper shelf.

---

What’s the most fun way to exercise?

The curing calm of jogging on the beach in the middle of the night, not running from something or someone, just jogging,

No people, just birds

Becoming one with the fog and the air and smell of the ocean through meditative running, forward motion, perpetual forward motion, until you feel like you are fading, but you can feel yourself moving so you know you are not fading

Running until you feel nothing

No pain, no fear, no anything, just the sea air on your face..

What book could you read over and over again?

Any of the above texts, because they are reference books which are made for that exact purpose. I like to try to use books for their intended reason. These books are textbooks with the intended purpose of being knowledge sources that are needed throughout life as reference points.

I included the AA book first because I am before anything an addict/alcoholic and for me to be able to see anything clearly, I need to be sober/clean, if I am not any book is read by someone with vision blurred by addiction meaning my understanding of it is completely flawed because it is based on me using examples from literature as justifications for bad behavior.

That being said, I like The Scarlet Letter, The Stranger, The Jungle, and The Shinning a lot.

Daily writing prompt

If you could be a character from a book or film, who would you be? Why?

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Will Parry, from the Phillip Pullman Series The Golden Compass Series in the The Subtle Knife, I would want to be Will Parry if he wasn’t a whining ****. That is what I would do differently. I would not feel sorry for myself like he did, or I have done, just simply exist alongside Lyra as a non-whiner. I am going to try to do that in my own life instead, alongside myself or whatever they want to call themselves.

Aggression UNNECESSARY ***HOLE.

It’s not aggression, just intensity.

The inner turmoil of Will Parry in this book always bothered me, because I wondered how much of the awesome world he lives in was being missed, while he was crying over what he had done, which is very ironic…

What animals make the best/worst pets?

I am sitting in the basement with my mother, not Diane, I am resentful liar, with my mother. She has to go the doctor and woke me up, at the same time as something happened a long time ago. She was worried I would be mad, because I am a selfish jerk, but her dog looked at me, her pitbull loves her, eye contact with her pitbull let me know that she was going through something serious and that it was something I needed to help her with, despite any resentful desire for angry words.

Dogs appear to me to all have the same wiseness, pack animals, they exist in a pure lack of selfishness. They are protectors, and have been raised by man and grown in union with man.

They are an animal that was raised to live harmoniously with the human being, for that very reason living united with a household is not captivity, but living captivated, in love with another creature.

Dogs make the best pet, and are the externalization of love.

Inspiration is the station of looking across, the seas of seeing only fighting the lack of light, being different is turning hands away from negative to positive, I am so sorry, but I am no longer in a sea of chaos, for now.

Daily writing prompt

What job would you do for free?

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Boredom is cured, by flying through the world, as a bird that used to live in hitches of darkness, now cured by flying off of gyms of the dark jungle of chaos, and into the world where favors are done for the favorable by the unfavorable, who are this way because they hated themselves.

Through these acts favor is cast in reflected light on acts of kindness, that cast nets to those lost in seas of darkness, who have been treading water, and casting darkness, and no longer do so, instead finding light in others, they reach hands out to get out of the seas of chaos.

Serving others, instead of stealing light, is the fight undertaken by those who wish to avoid stormy seas of the soul of the drowning.

Realizations are owed to those who caused them, which is not from the hands that write them, but from the sun that cast light on the lost.

The light houses of others guide all those lost in the dark and make them something else.

Desire is sparking in lost ones every day, to be what others have been for them, and in silence they speak through acts of kindness.

A word.

What job would you do for free?

Anything involving contact with people that need someone with a different perspective. I would do any of those for free. I do not like the exchange of currency much anyway, it reminds me of the life I have left. I would rather have a barter system, because that has always kept the humanity in me, moreso than the exchange of cash.

I would do most things for free, other than work for large corporations that do something divorced from humanity. It is only then that I feel like I would like payment, because it is only then when I cannot feel a benefit being served to either party, me or the big corporation.

I think the value of work gets lost a lot, and people end up doing a job that does not matter to either party just for the exchange of currency.

They dance

What Olympic sports do you enjoy watching the most?

I was watching ice skating with my family, and finally got this when watching an ice skater dancing, very clearly dancing, on ice. This was amazing, it is not a sport, it is an art, set to sport. I love this.

They dance, with the love of their culture, with the history of their country, with the pride of their families.

They dance with love, dancing with the ghosts of all those who danced before them, cutting through the ice, carving on the canvas of the world, a story of victory, a story carved out on cold ice, just ice. Justice. They are seen, they are dancing for you, for victory, for all of us.

How would you improve your community?

I am not in a place, nor do I think I ever will be, to make any far reaching recommendations, not because of anything about me, but because of how I individually feel. I am too back and forth of a person to feel any way about anything. I like yellow right now and tomorrow I may hate it.

So if I suggest something now, that same thing may make me angry tomorrow.

Tolerance and understanding of others right to be themselves without stepping on the toes of others is the only thing I could say will not change about my views. People would be happier if they would stick to their own lives.

How have you adapted to the changes brought on by the Covid-19 pandemic?

I am more careful with my words now, because I never know who I am going to offend. I say this in response to the pandemic because whenever I speak about it, I wonder if I am talking to someone who lost someone during it, it has made me more conscious of others grief, and where they are in the process of grief.

Ever since the pandemic, I realize that I exist in a world with people who are also suffering at time, we all suffer on and off together, and I am more careful about what I say. That being said, I am learning, as of late, to be more conscious of what I say even than before, because I have been prone to rage on this very site. I am learning that I damage me by sending myself into fits of paranoia.

Finding the middle is key, honesty, without the hate, just critique minus the threat to belief or right to be.

Not where I am, where I was, and where I wish my back yard was.

What are your morning rituals? What does the first hour of your day look like?

I used to sleep outside, so I woke up at 430 because that is when things start waking up outside, people and animals. I would start hearing noises outside, so I would wake up, and have to move my position. Now that I am at Diane’s, I wake up at 4:30 and go downstairs, into the basement at 4:30. I do not like to be upstairs. I like the basement, or the outside. I like being left alone.

I am on here for a large part of the morning, talking to myself through this thing, because it is not acceptable here to talk to myself. I talk to myself because I have something wrong with me or different about me, whichever you prefer, Diane uses the words chosing to be different a lot. I have told her, this is not a chose. She does not believe me.

I find now that if I get up 4:30 like I used to, it is explainable, and I am left alone for one and a half hours, which is amazing.

I am on here for the hour and a half, but I also drink coffee, sometimes I read, and I deal with ramifications of the last 15 years, which involve responding to Diane’s inquiries, thinking about how to get out of my present situation, sometimes reading, and sometimes showering. I usually like to shower after I eat, because sometimes eating makes me nauseous and showering helps with that. Plus showering is more time I get to be alone, which I think may be the dominating force in my day, now that I look at it.

I don’t think this is negative, it is simply me showing a desire to move on, and do my own thing.

Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?

I am very sorry for the negativity that may be injected heh. into this post. I am still very angry.

I am the viewpoint of the vicious defender.

I am unique, but a very good pretender.

I start with I, but deny that I am self-assertion.

I start with I but deny will assertion.

I need to you to hear, but pretend it is different, I pretend you aren’t listening by using the word listen.

I know that you care, but say you do not.

I pretend that you don’t feel, but see tears I sought.

I start with I because I am selfish, cast all on shelf is my only wish,

So to you, I say, you want to place me with your bottles? Sorry, not part of that world, and you know this, can tell that you’re throttled.

You know longer have power here, I just pretend that you do, giving you bully pullpet when I need nothing from you.

You can take nothing from me, I have all that I need, you have nothing to steal, you have blood you can recieve, you have no way of getting even with me, there are no holes, you can poke, because there are no pins left in me.

I am free.

I am unique.

I am a human being

You are free.

You are a human being.

If you don’t leave me alone, I will leave and be alone.

I am free.

I am a human being.

Stream of Consciousness

If you could have something named after you, what would it be?

I really just wanted to make the Lord of the Rings joke. That is the whole reason for this post really. I have been trying to find some reason to make a Lord of the Rings joke all day, because I love Lord of the Rings. Which is funny because I have only ever read the Hobbit, and never finished the series, because I am lazy. I have a hard time reading anything that is not a horror story because it is the only style that holds my attention.

I think that is because it is the only style that competes with the horrific images, that are my imagination, which is horrible. I think that might not be my fault though, I think it might be PTSD. I just noticed how often I use the word fault, or blame, and it is a little bit disturbing. There are a lot of times I use this and it is not even something that involves fault or blame. I don’t know why I do this.

What makes you laugh?

Human failure is hilarious to me, anything that involves people failing at life makes me laugh, I think because I am trying to learn to accept my own failure and seeing others be alright enough with themselves to laugh at themselves helps me learn to laugh at myself, instead of beating the **** out of myself.

I like British comedy a lot too, the british version of the office was way better than the American version of The Office, even though I like the American version as well,  Carrell did a good job with the adaption.

I like comedy news too.

Daily writing prompt

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

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I wanted to be free from being in the back of my own head, living a life of falsehood, bad faith pretending to be something I was not just because I thought society would not accept me, us, both of us. I am two people. I don’t care how insane that sounds. I have the thoughts and opinions of two people, and can give two completely separate sets of reactions. I am also me, and trapped in a girls body, but she needed me, she hates herself, because she doesn’t want to be a girl either. Neither of us did. I think we were sentenced to this, because we are both supposed to do something together, but I am crazy and have an overinflated sense of self-importance, so don’t listen to me.

I have no idea what question… oh yeah… when I grew up… I don’t know alive? I will settle for alive… not being dead is good.

It’s all for you, Damien.

The Omen

Daily writing prompt

What’s something most people don’t understand?

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I have being having a hissy fit my whole life about having to be someone I am not. I am not Rei Clearly, I am not Amanda. I am me. I am this, I am Damien, take it or leave it.

I should have said that the whole time, instead of saying I was a violent person or a psycho. I am merely just a very angry person, but really only at myself, for never standing up for myself, for drinking and using about something I did to me.

I am done with it, I know I have said that, but I am putting this on here, so I have to look at it, every time I try to word vomit negativity.

Daily writing prompt

What’s something most people don’t understand?

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I am trying, really I am.. I am telling this to myself right now, because I either beat the **** out of myself or worship the ground I walk on, which is insane because that would mean I am always stepping on my own self, which is true I guess… because my lack of introspection does exactly that. I guess that is why I have characteristically had very few friends, because I have a method of dealing with conflict that is basically I don’t deal with, get mad and repress my own emotions until I am screaming on internet about doing things that make me hate myself? I see a pattern here… Wow that helped.

I guess it is something I didn’t understand too, and I am one of those people or them or meth thinking. them and meth are the same word rearranged by the way, released this when I was really freaking high, thought it was cool till I realized that it was all a metaphor for me destroying myself with drugs.

Daily writing prompt

What’s something most people don’t understand?

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I am sitting on a street corner, watching everyone walk by, making eye contact with people with nice clothes on, for just a second and then looking away, this being a better technique than most people’s “Can you spare any change?”……….

YOU SOUND LIKE AN ***HOLE..

Yeah..

They don’t understand we are just addicts who do not want to screw anyone over, we have to because we are slaves to our addictions, most of us feel bad about it. It perpetuates the addictions of most of us… We use and drink to be able to sleep and think because we are addicts and then we end up, or some of us do anyway, out of the street, having to panhandle, steal, lie, and some of us gain some sort of semblance of pride that comes from being good at it. I am good with words, I liked doing what I did not because I liked being a liar but because I like playing with words.

There are hundreds like me, thousands, who failed and get some sort of semblance of control from panhandling vocally, or writing clever signs, or sitting outside with a sign for 12 hours and making 200 dollars a day.

I am, by the way, an ***hole, but I am trying to change now.

Daily writing prompt

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

View all responses

Fail. I started hallucinating when I was eight years old, back then I was hardly able to do it because I thought the voices were talking to me because I was writing, so I would get scared and stop doing it. It happened like that for years, this blog is my first attempt at doing it actually. I like the blog format because it makes it possible for to write in stream of consciousness, where I am basically word vomiting hallucinations onto a page. That gets the auditory hallucination thing under control which keeps me from visually hallucinating.

All this is why I wanted to be exactly what I am but minus what is wrong with me. I have spent my whole life self-medicating this and done nothing with my life, other than abuse drugs and alcohol, and at least I got that out out of my system.

I think five year old me would be okay with me, given everything that happened. Oh, and five year old me used to tell people her name was Damien by the way, so at least there’s that.

Daily writing prompt

How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?

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I used to be completely self propelled, which may sound completely selfish, but hear me out, **** it, I am changing, and this explains how, and that I am realizing what an *** I have been.

I used to trust no one, because I can’t trust my own **** reality, so any interference with my goals.. was met with strong resistance, although I am trying to be more open to the idea that there are good people in this world. I am beginning to trust the advice of a couple close friends, who have become the only people in my life that have began to shift what I believe to be my goals, and by shift I mean establish, and completely alter, by making it possible for me to even have goals to begin with.

I am eternally grateful to these people, and I am so happy to have them in my life, they are truly the first and only friends I have ever had. The toxic people I surrounded myself with prior to quitting my old drinking/using life style are not even considered in the same category.

These people, have the ability to alter my goals. They are more respected in opinion than my opinion itself. I have never had friends before these people. They change my goals every day, by adding new layers of insight to the foundation of who I even am. I did not know this, until very recently, and still do not even know it now. I am learning who I am through the relationships with others I have begun to form now. They are shifting my ideas of who I am, what I could be, and helping me form new goals.

Daily writing prompt

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

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I am afraid, I am afraid, I am afraid,

If I say it three times

I believe I believe

UN UN UN

Spun spun spun

spinning spinning spinning

Shun shun shun

I will become

Become

Become

un

un

un

spun

spinning

spun.

Daily writing prompt

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

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I wish I could emit wifi, myself as a telecommunication superhero of inter-connectivity. I would call myself Neutral Eyes, you know because it would make it fair for everyone who I was near who wanted better internet and couldn’t afford it.

Daily writing prompt

How has technology changed your job?

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The internet thinks I have a job, that is great.

I have no job, internet.

But, if I did it would be this blog, and helping my friend sell her items, helping my family start a re-sale business, so…

I guess it gave me a job?

Employer-self

Enabled by the world wide web of

Uncrossing the webs of lies of a liar.

Thank you internet, I appreciate it.

Daily writing prompt

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

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I sometimes wish I had the ability to inflict on people the way I experience empathy, the flashes of visions of what I imagine their life to be whenever they are not around me- a paranoid schizophrenic version of The Green Mile, the mile being green in this analogy because it is green with envy, experienced in me, someone experiencing false envy, because I am not really envious of normal people.

I sometimes wish I had the ability to fly, to get away from all of this, to fly to a place far away from anyone I know, who hurt me so much every day, by not realizing the things I think are so obviously right in front of their face.

I sometimes wish I had the ability to time travel, to go throughout time like a visitor, uncommitted to anyone and everything, dancing through a life that is not mine or anyone else’s that is devoid of human relationships in any way, including any toxic ones.

Most of the time, I wish I could be invisible, so I could leave unnoticed, every time I wish I could do so, without anyone being able to stop me, with some offered explanation of why I should not leave.

In the past, I have wished I could be Magneto, a super villain able to bend matter, to make it not matter.

Right now, I wish I could be Storm. I would love to have the ability to manipulate weather, in a metaphorical way, being able to control my own mental storms, but also physical able to bring about soul cleansing and body cleansing rain.

Daily writing prompt

What is your favorite type of weather?

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I am fan that blows in all weather. No longer is my temper tethered to changes in wind.

I have learned to accept things I cannot change, so I am no longer bothered by the rain, nor do I cry when the sun is clouded by inclement clouds, I am without

Bother, when it is hotter than I can stand, because now I realize it is all going according to something that has nothing to do with me.

I can stand and be, simply free, to experience bliss.

I am able to feel the sun again, because I pay attention, not demanding perfection, but forgetting to mention I don’t know what that is.

I am just simply me, standing outside experiencing something that is not mine. It does not matter whether it is existential or divine.

It matters only that I accept it exists, and is not specific to me, I just experience this, and that’s a gift.

Daily writing prompt

Who was your most influential teacher? Why?

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I had this teacher in 8th grade who had all of us do this writing anthology, all of us meaning even those of us with learning disabilities, I have hydrocephalus, so I am bad at math, and they pegged me into the classes that were for those with learning disabilities even though I am not bad at English or writing, which did focused on remedial skills, and I was bored, and sat there and did not pay attention, because I was not meant to be in that class. I was one of the kids with an IEP. Individual education plan, which said that I had learning disabilities, but due to a lack of understanding of the brain because they are teachers not doctors ,they thought I had learning disabilities in everything not just math and geography. I am visually/spatially challenged due to hydrocephalus. Seeing the reason for See Clearly?

This woman made everyone do the anthology and used my anthology as a reason to fight for me the next year to not be in remedial English in HS. She also said this to me.

“If you don’t deal with your anger, you are going to ruin your life, and you can use the writing to do that. You like it, and it is a positive outlet,”.

I wish I had listened, but she still remains the most influential teacher in my life, I would not have kept writing if it wasn’t for her. I just always thought my writing was awful. I just did it instead of crying…..

Daily writing prompt

What do you wish you could do more every day?

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Unfortunately I ruined it, so for now I am stuck with this, and I think I am supposed to learn to release control

‘I hate my life sometimes, because I just want some semblance of control over something, not everything, just something. I feel like I have been in a situation, my whole life… where I am fighting to control everything because I control nothing. I get that I am supposed to stop doing this, and I am trying, but it is like being in a rigged chess game, or that is what it feels like.

How am I supposed to be okay with losing, if I know the game is rigged to begin with?

I know this all just addict thinking, resentment based, my life is harder.. that’s why I got high… got drunk… but my life was the reason I got high or drunk…… I am still in the same horrible positions I have been fighting all my life to escape, just lesser versions of them. I don’t get sometimes what the point of all this is, I guess? How am I supposed to trust something that I don’t understand enough to trust?

I guess I want to change the answer of this post,

I wish I could trust in a higher power more every day.

Daily writing prompt

What do you wish you could do more every day?

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I am alone in the woods, on a path, in the middle of the night.

It is around three in the morning. I am guessing, there is a complete blackness to the sky, and silence that suggests the birds are still sleeping.

Looking up at the sky, I wonder if anyone, or anything is awake yet, if there is another animal that is like me and drawn to frantic pacing at this time, somewhere anywhere.

I listen for any noise that would hint of any kind of life at all, but there is nothing, there is an absence to the air, that suggests lack.

I breathe and feel like sound is missing from the universe, unsure if there is something wrong with my ears, if I have lost my mind completely, if I am tripping myself out, what it even means to hear at all.

I cough. I can hear myself. There is sound.

Looking up at the sky, I trace the existence of me, as something separate from the night, I can feel my hands, they hurt. The coldness of night bites into them with every movement, a slicing that feels like sharp needles, sticking into them with every movement.

I cough again, and can hear the sound, radiating into the echoing darkness.

I sigh. I am relieved to have released that in this all consuming starkness of light, I am still separate, able to feel myself, as an entity which exists in a universe of parts.

It is very dark. I can see nothing in front of me. The moon is absent from the sky, and there are no stars, blinking, I think I am crying. I am not sure. I don’t remember what that feels like, or how long I have been standing here, and cannot tell if I am looking down or up.

Moving my neck, I figure out I am staring up.

I blink my eyes. Nothing.

I am still shrouded in the all consuming darkness.

It is very cold, the cold has spread from my hands to the rest of my body, feeling like a bitter aching, hurting like sharp knives with each movement, but without the sound of reassuring wind, that makes me aware of passing storms.

I am not sure if this bitter cold, if it is something characteristic of the season, or of it is something I am feeling in this spot, right now that is very much specific to me.

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/147347238/posts/4271

I used to be chained and bound, to tree with roots on poison ground, soiled with years of heroic consumption of heroin, meth alcohol, and death, and destruction.

I used to fire fire in vain effort to inject in vein with deathly effort, now instead I have developed a new addiction, a mesmerization with words and fiction, instead of misery mercy through diction. Thank you wordpress for keeping me sane, for saving my life, and keeping from destruction in vein in vain.

Mercy is found when, reflections are made, that bring the eye from ground to sky, that cast the eyes to that which is hire than anything I can fire in vain effort, to fill my blood that is so vital to my survival, with poison instead of being what it is, a gift of life to a soul in diseased strive.

Merci, Merci,

Mercy, Mercy.

I thank you from the misery of addicted souls everywhere

Damien.

What is one word that describes you?

DUDE. NO WAY. I KNOW I JUST ANSWERED THIS BUT **** my other answer, I did not remember this when posting it.

THIS RULES. I AM NOT FAILING TODAY!

What is one word that describes you?

Obviously, what’s in a name right? One word and I chose this one because I don’t need to see if it is clearly right? Because it is clearly and that implies see too. I am there and so is see too.

I am also a metaphor for drugs because that is how it works. I am a quirky illicit jerk.

I am addicted to making myself look strange, putting metaphor for drugs in name about clarity, I am insane.

I am a poke at my own confidence, metaphor about blurry vision that should be obvious.

I am obnoxious, toxic and caustic. I am elated, instated, meditative and caustic. I am annoyed and employed to continue to drone on and on looking out the window.

What was the best compliment you’ve received?

The biggest compliment I have ever received, I have received over and over recently, because I am a person of doing something either very hard or not at all, and such is my life because the universe tends to speak to me in voices I can understand, which is convenient, and speaks to the wisdom inherent in a universe that is so much wiser than me, who knew? I am not the smartest person in the universe?

Sorry, sarcasm helps me deal with having to admit weakness, which I am learning is a strength. A bunch of my friends, who are a compliment in and of themselves, for being my friends, have paid me the compliment of understanding me more than I understood myself, and having patience with the fact that I am an ***. They like me for who I am, that is the best thing in the entire world, and a couple of them today, told me that over coffee, while we talked about our lives, and we all actually listened to each other, instead of just waiting to cut each other off, like my other friends used to. I like the new friends I have so much better, because I have started to connect with people with the condition that they have to be people like me, sober and clean people, who don’t do the things I don’t want to be around. Those people have become the best friends I could ever ask for and continue to compliment me just by continuing to want to hang out with me with no motive to gain anything other than company.

Here is to not hanging out with misery anymore, I prefer the company of the angels of mercy so much more, so much more entertaining than the misery demons that populated the chaotic streets. Entertaining angels is so much better.

What was the best compliment you’ve received?

I have been arrogant my whole life, and not willing to listen. The point of this post is to say, my eyes were shut before, I was being told to see, and shutting my eyes, or blurring them with substances. I am opening my eyes now because something gave me the biggest compliment in the world, something beyond my understanding is speaking to me, not because I am important, but simply because I am talking back and willing to listen. I am willing to listen in the same way anyone can be. I am not special, I am not unique, just willing to listen now, and it is responsible for any good that comes from me, and I should have known that but I was prideful, and wrong.

I am trying to be open to it now, and see clearly how wrong I was, and how much higher it is than I ever was, because it is above me in the understanding of everything. It is responsible for everything.

What was the best compliment you’ve received?

I no longer care about bringing praise to myself, but on shifting the eyes of those who experience the pain that was so real to me for so long. I want to help those who experience pain, any pain, like me, away from that pain towards something, anything that stops that pain, even if it is just for a second, if it can be for a second or for an hour, or forever. I want to help, because that is what I feel like something else higher than me wants me to do, so when I am inspired to, I am doing this, as an atonement for a life of selfishness, when people tell me they see this. I am happy because that means I am doing the right thing, the thing I know I am supposed to do instead of serving me, like I used to.

Look not to what I say or do, but to the source of where my work leads you, away from the pain in my words, and at what saves me, whatever you think that is. I am asking you to always reflect on joy and see pain, but not dwell on it.

I am complimented when my work helps someone, because then and only then do I know I am doing what I am supposed to.

You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?

The sound of automation is mesmerizing, the clicking, the shuffling, the beeping the whirring, shoving and blended talking of all those on the train, who do not know me, and don’t know anything about my past. They have no judgement of me, preconceived or otherwise, busy with their own business. I fade into the background, and watch a world I left behind for a dance with a siren who wanted to rip my soul from my eyes.

My eyes are free now, and look around, not dominated by watching her, they are free to be their own, not called to the service of a master, they watch as the passengers go about their quiet business, and I am inspired by their composure, ability to be so normal, the train is a zen garden of little people, not screaming in overinflated hot blow up doll chaos, they keep to themselves, and I keep to mine, in my mind. I am thinking about leaving this place, misery, and doing something else, thinking and sure that this time, I mean it, because she should not own my words anymore.

I am going to board a new train of thought, and then hopefully get myself together enough to go on a train and do something else.

You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?

Is that breaking the rules? I am adding feet because honestly, I walked from Oregon to California with my friend Chris. It was Southern Oregon and we walked to Northern Cali. I started my journey elsewhere and got all the way across the country and for anonymity so my ex doesn’t mess with me, I am just going to say somewhere north to west, buses- mostly grey hounds, hitching rides, walking, trains, and then a plane ride home and he/she is still in Misery. I am so glad to not be there, anymore.

I never thought I would make it back home. I walked to Cali with my friend Chris the Christian. He was very nice and peaceful and sang to me about God the whole way, and then I got annoyed because he started to say he was falling in love with me, and I walked 150 miles myself, alone on the highway while praying.

This is what proved to me that something was protecting me, because whatever it was, it guided back to my family and I literally walked alone at night on the highway and something got me back home. Thank you to my higher power. That is the only thing that makes sense, I should be dead but something saved me.

How would you rate your confidence level?

10. I am very very fast. I can run faster than anyone I know, most notably faster than this guy whose girlfriend paid me back my… rent money. I loaned it to him.. because I am a nice person? It was 400 dollars I got for standing in traffic at a light, and I am not the kind of person who looks good doing that… so sometimes they pay me to move, it takes a couple hours to make 400 dollars, like 8.

I stood there for 8 hours and had enough to pay the rent for the month or um… make tragic mistakes, you know dice roll. I decided to play double or nothing with my friend who is my business associate at well, well after this, his girl was my business associate and he was my **** for about 2 months. He wanted the power back from his girl.

I have a very um… aggressive approach to business, so people give me what I want.

Being impervious to death helps too… which is why I am turning my life around because I am realizing how I write this what an *** I was, because I think that something saved me all these times, and I proceeded to give it the finger, so it chopped my fingers off? Or the tips of three of them? I don’t think He or them or it really did that… I think it was MRSA and me being a ****.

Moral of the story, I am an arrogant **** , but I am trying to tone that down so… 5 on confidence..

How would you rate your confidence level?

I do not have confidence in myself, because I am not supposed to, I speak of matters I do not understand, and am a two-spirited human being or two human beings fighting for redemption at once. They were paired with each other to save each other. They were both chained to a world of addiction and Misery. I have been unchained from that, and I feel like something helped me, don’t know what it is, but I can’t keep being a selfish self asserting jerk.

Amanda and I are supposed to help each other, because we are both half people, weak and need another person… We have been saved from death because we made a deal with something, over and over in foxholes, we cried out to the universe, screaming in madness, we begged, pleaded with anything willing to help us, anything that would listen, I didn’t care what it was that saved me, saved her. I just wanted to survive, and not be in that place, and see the things they were doing to people to protect their drugs.

I know now that I was a child having a hissy fit. I am done with that now. I am going to try to do everything I can to do the right thing. My confidence is now in that realization and in that I have it within me to do the right thing.

How would you rate your confidence level?

Depends on what you are asking? In me?

I am finding, desperate depressed searcher for keys that I am, that confidence in me means very little, because it is so fragile, speaking of the fragility not in my self, but the idea of placing importance separately on me as an individual.

Searching for something always seems to….I know Justin, you hate seems… but you are not here anymore…

Searching for something always makes it more difficult for me to find it, so I have taken or begun to take the emphasis off me, counting on that things will come as they come. I am a searcher for house keys, who realizes they must be there somewhere, and decided last night to try and remind myself to not over-focus on the quest of dominating assertion that was my desperation to find anything.

ANSWER THE QUESTION

Thank you for the reminder, self.

My confidence, like this post, is fluid. It has no level or ranking because it is changing over and over minute, as I fail or succeed.

My confidence in a higher power, is intensely increasing.

This is bringing me peace.

How would you rate your confidence level?

Either one or ten, no in between, going back and forth minute by minute, based on reflections on pain and suffering or me being selfish or kind, over and over and over and over all day, presented on the internet for the amusement of the viewers of this blog because it makes me feel better and is part of a larger recovery process, and experiment with trying to grow as a person.

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Ticking time Expose

I am the mind of Damien de Soto.

I am the mind of the reckless psycho.

The path of the fool traveling in the dark, the tale of the one who twists and turns in light that is stark.

The act of wondering why you hate yourself while glorifying ego.

The walk in the park and shot at a flying bald eagle.

I am offense at everything you say, and the desire to simultaneous desire to defend everything I say.

I am addiction to stop but also to addiction to go.

I am yes, but also I am no.

I am bipolar, I am paranoid. I am insane.

I am addicted addict with no drug, and now thinking brain.

I am ****ed and painful but no longer lying, I am crying, screaming but at least learning and no longer dying.

Peace.

What makes you most anxious?

Time makes me scream, it makes me dream of things that don’t make sense or cents, that is not true liar, you have made plenty of money in time.

Yeah, but I spent it all on dimes.. I traded it in for dimes at the cash machine.

I am such a ****.

My life is a long episode of Jerry Springer.

************************************************************************

I heard that one in my head, and it made me….

Throw up?

No, that was because your stomach is ****ed!

Yeah, because VODKA SUCKS!
Good one.

Clearly.

I congratulate me on a day where I was only an ***hole last night, and complimented random individuals in the food store aggressively.

They seemed confused.

What makes you most anxious?

I am such a ****.

I just made a really bad joke, and feel bad about it. I suck at life.

What makes you most anxious?

I don’t do this, and I won’t, never did, never will, always won’t, always don’t dance for anybody ever or with anybody ever, it is awful, and I hate everything about it. I know this, don’t even doubt it. I have a hard time even watching others dancing because it’s stupid,

I don’t see the point and I know it is supposed to be fun, when you are lucid.

And even when you are not, people love this and get caught

Being silly and being taught

To find joy in this but I can’t

I won’t do it, no point no chance, I hate to ****ing dance

Standing and staring someone in the eye, and doing something weird at them, yeah thanks, I think I would rather die, than do this, because it sounds like it sucks.

Stupid, lame, act of schmucks…

I don’t want anyone touch me

I don’t like bumping into things, I don’t like spinning round and round, I don’t like parties, don’t like moving up and down, I am not good at smiling I am good at frown,

I suck, I know, doesn’t show, but **** you, I don’t want to do it, please leave me alone.

What makes you most anxious?

I named myself See Clearly because that is not what I do, I do not see clearly at all, because my ego it is tall, or it used to be I mean, because I am a liar, a whiner and a wine-r, or not really because I prefer whiskey, or anything that is risky like heroin or meth or how about crack or death? You know things like those, things you stick in mouth or nose, or suck through glass, because I want to die, and that’s not true, what I really aim to do is..

Get the *** away from all of you, because you make me anxious, because you hate me, or maybe I do.. I don’t know… but I feel it when it you look at me please ****ing go. I am telling you go away, **** it! I hate the idea of panic and judgement, I hate you and everything you meant

To say, but didn’t, I can hear you thinking **** it, or maybe that is me? I don’t know the difference…

I guess… it’s me… what makes me anxious is me…

and addiction and lack of control and framed photos of animals in suits..

What activities do you lose yourself in?

I am very back and forth, a torrent of pain whirling around in a sink, that I kept pulling the stopper of, and I would let parts of me flush down it, not realizing that I don’t get them back.

I pulled the drain over and over, chopping off pieces in my madness, I would let parts of me fall into the sink of destruction watching as I slowly disappeared and using it as an excuse to drink or go soo…….

High into the sky, I felt lost, but free, but I got stuck up there, so high up there.. floating.. in nothingness..

I with real eyes, with non-blurred vision now, that the state of elation I was looking for, was inside me all along, I get the same high now, sometimes, when I am not doing poorly, and I frequently am, but I am trying.. through this, writing to you, imaginary person, and I love you so much for saving my life.

I don’t always remember this, in my cycle of drain life, but I remember it enough for it to be a small way to get out of the drain.

What activities do you lose yourself in?

Re-vision- Soul re-stitching, threads of misery replaced with kindness.

I used to lie, cheat, and steal

In Misery, only would I deal.

Suffering was my main course meal.

I did not eat, I lived on the street, and in pain and suffering I did deal.

I was a cheater, a liar, a thief, if you met me I would make sure you fell beneath…

Me in every endeavor thinking, I was so clever, but really only

HURTING

Me.

Now, I am trying to be different.

ER ER ER
__________________________________________________

Flat line

__________________________________________________

Revive revive revive

_____________________________________________________

I lost my train of thought,

My rhyme scheme is for naught.

_________________________________________

ER ER ER
_________________________________________

I love those around me, it makes me uncomfortable and I use horror to deal with it, because it scares people and makes me feel better because

STAY AWAY I AM SENSITIVE
LIAR LIAR

Who do you think you are?

An addict trying to redeem themselves.

NO ONE CARES.

I do, so I am posting this.

What activities do you lose yourself in?

I am standing on a street corner, this time metaphoric, not real.

I am looking into nothing, or myself, whichever one you choose, overcome

By voices, this time internal, not external, not externalized, not demons with painted on despise eyes, not lies or falsehoods, but inner truths, painted because I am listening to me and to you. I am listening closely, with intention to hear, because I have spent a long time, not doing so, with desire to unfeel.

I am wondering what it means, what I do, now that I am focused and listening to you. I am wondering if there is anything, anything at all to any of this for a personal who notices it all. I do not know where I fit in, if I do at all.

I am standing in the middle of also on the side. Existing in the middle, because before I did not have the time, I did not make a choice to listen before, to me, and to you, and am wondering simply in this place, where I stand, what am I to do?

I am told over and over, just watch and to be quiet, but I am confounded with the presence of a mind that exists in riot. I am not trying to assert myself, not this time, but simply to understand, what is the place for my dark mind?

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

1. Jurassic Park
2. Misery
3. The Shinning
4. Pulp Fiction
5. Natural Born Killers

Are you seeing a theme here? I think if those movies had a poorly written child, it would be my attempt writing my silly story on this blank screen at me for me with me by me.

I love erecting large monsters that make points about society, but are really a reflection of the desire for control of their creator, and end up causing more harm than it would be to admit at the beginning that dinosaurs are cool, but make me feel so small. They make me afraid, so sometimes, I want to lash out and kidnap people, because I do not want to be alone, which makes me insecure and wish for a thick as thieves partner in crime, to have lived my Misery existence with as a natural born killer, but what I really am is alcoholic drug addict talking to myself about killing my wife in a motel, while writing, and thinking about drinking.

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?
Jurassic Park
Lion King
Matilda
The Witches
Disney’s Robin Hood
Matilda
Seinfeld
The Office
Derek
Afterlife

See Clearly- You hated yourself not your family silly, you were being mean because your mother loves you sooo much, even now after you were so mean to her.

I hated myself so much, that I created entire realities to justify this hatred, and forgot that those realities created beliefs that attached to very real people, who did very real things for me, like love and give me life. I had and have an excellent family. I was very loved, but my family is not perfect, and neither am I, we have fought a lot and I remember it differently sometimes, because I am guilty, and they say things that make me feel bad about myself because I am guilty not because I am trying to hate them or be bad, or lie, but because I am an addict and lying to myself comes naturally to me, because of flaws with my mind.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND ANSWER THE QUESTION

I am, just building back story to explain myself better

BUILDING UP REASONS FOR WHY YOU AREN’T AT FAULT FOR ASSERTIONS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE QUESTION

Okay, forgot what question was…

Wait….question….

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

Above list are the movies I am watching with my mother, who is the best, and I love her. I am sorry, mom. You did the best you could with my crazy drug addict, alcoholic paranoid schizophrenic *** and I like watching movies with you, it is the best.

Are you superstitious?

Yes, clearly.

I felt better as an internet serial killer, that was my version of The Punisher,

I live in fear of being happy, because I don’t want anything good because having things you want makes it so you can take them away from me. I don’t even want it to begin with damn it. Take it!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll show you how much I don’t want it. I will make you all get away from me!

That is why I act the way I do. I am literally a child having a hissy fit, and I realized this today.

I never learned how to deal with things like an adult, so I am going through it now.

Sorry for the continuous explanation, I am explaining it to myself, really.

See Clearly,

Finally looking in the mirror.

Damien

Are you superstitious?
Yes, clearly.

There is an eye in the sky and it is up so high, that I can’t reach it, can’t poke it

Can’t kiss it or stroke it…

Stupid jerk who strokes an eye?

I stroke an I.

Your gross, you stroke yourself?

Yeah, loser, you are doing it right now.

EGO EGO EGO EGO I go I go I go I go

ANSWER ME: Okay, here, I am very superstitious. I come from a long line of a family, who believes in

1. the evil eye
2. manifesting their own destiny through thought
3. being able to manifest it through speaking it out loud
4. being able to manifest it through thinking it
5. the power of positive thinking
6. the power of negative thinking
7. making lists that make things go away
8. incantations that make things go away
9. incantations that are positive self talk
10. the power of the number 10
11. This goes up to 11
12. I like even numbers.

I missed you, and me and this, and you having a life and not whining about everything.

I believe in manifestation of human life that is not real, I believe in the power of words to cast spells that I feel, will make things happen for me, at least in my head it feels that way, but who knows you know what they say

YOU’RE INSANE AND TO BLAME FOR ALL THE BODIES AT YOUR FEET, WASN’T IT FUN PLAYING WITH SOWING NEEDLES WITH DEAD CHILDREN ON THE STREET

If I talk to you on here, it looks like a superstitious allegory or me being silly and not what it is

paranoid schizophrenic

or YOU’RE INSANE
YOU’R INSANE
YOU’RE INSANE
and it is ****ed to be your own best friend.

Is it though do you see the voices I talk to?

YOU TALK TO YOURSELF

OoO that was a sick burn, and you know what sometimes, superstitions are justified, peace MF.

Which animal would you compare yourself to and why?
I am the servant of no one. I am not even good at serving myself food or water, I quit being Resentment’s waiter.

See clearly

I was always hearing your voice, Rei, and mocking it, telling myself that I needed to attack Amanda, attacking my higher power, attacking myself, when I should have been attacking not you, but everything that you were shouting at me. I thought it so essential to focus on the service of your demands, thinking you were a bird singing to me in beautiful songs, but you were not. You were woman who was very good at mimicking bird songs, who controlled the behavior of an insecure egomaniac who hates himself. You were my Lady Macbeth.

I feel this stronger than ever now that I thought about all night. You were very similar to Lady Macbeth. You wanted conquest, not of the world, but of the land that we live in, Misery, or addiction so that I could bring you drugs. I thought I was doing you a favor, a drug dealer, a hit man and a servant of a woman who wanted things so bad she was wiling to destroy the soul of someone she said she loved. I am realizing you did not love me. You never loved me. You loved your drugs, you loved my doting on you, and you loved the lack of accountability that came with being a mocking jay. I think I would have to say if I had to be an animal I would be crow/mocking jay.

I know this is against the rules, but is not paranoid schizophrenia against the rules, as well?

I say that I would be this because you used Amanda’s voice, my best friend to speak doubt at me, because she sounds like you, speaking like a woman, and I being an idiot would hear your voice, Rei in my voice or Amanda’s voice, that is why I was always trying to ruin Amanda’s life and she was always trying to ruin mine. She was hunted by Justin and I was hunted by you, so we thought ourselves chased by each other, when honestly, we were star-crossed lovers, who were lovers only in that we were inter-dimensional invisible men, insane, fighting madmen from Misery dimensions, trying to fight ourselves. I am so glad I got away before you killed me you harpee, you miserable creature, medusa, siren of hellfire, you will not longer use the call of bird to torment me any longer.

Crows, are intelligent creature, who make tools to catch bugs, they are the only bird who has the ability to do so, they have several calls they can make, and they are good at mimicking the voices of other birds. Amanda would be the mocking jay because I see now she had always been trying to mock you, not the other way around. Telling the difference between the two of us with place keeping device of how is Rei, as if to poke me and say do you realize you serve her the same way you served drugs. I am the servant of no one. I am not even good at serving myself food or water, I quit being Resentment’s waiter.

Which animal would you compare yourself to and why?

I like the Lion King a lot because I like things that don’t take life seriously, because I don’t want to take it seriously, even though I take it more serious than I need to, and put myself through hell because of it.

I wish I could be the kind of person who is able to laugh at the darkness the way I pretend to but I do not actually think the darkness as funny as I pretend to. I just do that because it is easier to do that than to cry out loud and hear myself sounding weak in front of people who are strong enough to realize that being strong means feeling the very things that I consider to be weakness, and being a human being who loves and feels fear, and lets other people hurt them, and hugs people and is kind. I am not good at any of these things because I like to do what I want when I want, because I am selfish and an addict. I am not a bad person, just crazy and I am trying every day to be more like those I admire, the kind people of this world, who act with bravery and give hugs and love life, who laugh and love and share and are kind to each other, I am trying to be like you ever day because you inspire me to be better than I have ever thought I could be. I love you guys. I love every single one of you. You inspire me to be better than I ever could be.

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

Dear Self,

I know you forget this often, I love you. I am not saying this out of some weird desire to do something deviant, and stroke my own ego. I know that I sometimes forget that I am human being, that I have feelings to, so I hope that this finds you not in that state of mind, which I imagine it will because of how I feel right now. I love you, self. I am not saying that to be psychotic, and I am not doing it out of mental illness, I am doing it because I am trying to put a post it on my own fridge in the future. I want you to know that no matter what happens, whatever ways you fail, things can always get better if you just keep trying. I know this now, so I know you know this too. I just wanted to remind you that you love yourself. This is not weird or wrong. It is something everyone else does, that I forget to do because I used to use it to make excuses to hurt myself because I am an addict and alcoholic.

That is just who you are. It is no different than having ADD. It is a disease that causes lack of ease and makes you think things that justify doing things that are irrational like killing yourself with something that poisons you, because you have a deviant response to alcohol because of an allergy your mind has to it, like being allergic to oranges. Don’t hate yourself because of this, you are allergic to latex, do you hate yourself because of that? No. Same thing.

Love you.

Yourself.

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

Dear Inner Demon,

I hope you have grown up finally, which I would hope would happen after 100 years, but you never know. I am quite the *** now and I can’t imagine changing that much because I am stubborn. I also know myself well enough now that if I did happen to go through some kind of transformation that brought me anything like peace, this would be hilarious to hear, because I love to laugh at me, so no one else can, because I am very insecure and like to beat everyone to it.

I hope you enjoyed many many years with the cat, who sits at my feet, who I just made myself cry a little thinking about growing old. I wish for you peace and kindness and many pleasant years with this kind creature who sits right now beside me, I just made myself cry. Thank you for that. Jerk.

I hope you learned to love yourself, through the process of life, I am trying really hard finally, and I want good things for those around you. I hope I don’t ruin anyone else’s lives. I am sorry if I did, I tried for once, if I failed… at least know I tried, although that is no justification for anything I did. I hope you have found peace and if you haven’t.. I hope this letter helps a little at the very least.

Yourself,

Damien

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with cart, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments. Kidding.

I am a lunatic, with no fear of consequences, it is called run through the store with card, grab everything and then make them chase you out. It is also a good way to get banned from a lot of establishments.

Heh. I make myself laugh. I just woke up to the universe playing a prank on me, there was an episode of one of those SVU kind of shows on about a guy who’s house burns down and there is 10 grand worth of fireworks in it. It was a hilarious way to wake up. Thank you universe. I love this prompt too.

I would go to a Walmart, Target, BJ’s or mall sort of establishment, that way I could grab a bunch of everything, and I would grab a bunch of everything. Expensive food, cheap junk food, random old toys for five year old kids like Gak, notebooks, candy, clothing, camping gear, microwave pizza, Christmas decoration, basically anything I can find that is cool because I have had literally nothing but the clothes on my back for the past 7 years of my low bottom addict life and I appreciate every item I find.

I am amused by everything as well, not just items. I am very grateful to have survived the hell that has been my self chosen allegory of what not do life.

I go on shopping sprees now anytime I have spare cash, and spend my money in local establishments to pay back those in society I wrong, by the way.

Damien

What is your middle name? Does it carry any special meaning/significance?
De- it means of.

I will not give out my real name, because as I have said many a time I am insane, and it doesn’t matter anyway. I am changing it so I can stay me, and not DIE because I should have been born a guy, and instead of trying to take out another eye, I have two don’t worry, I am not good at surgery in a hurry, I fail at everything I do, and am a chicken a coup, look at me I made you soup.

Question, answer me,

No, oh baby I love you so, who do you speak to lunatic?

Fire of hearts desire to live, I am my own heart’s kid

Kidding me, that is the epitome of narcissism?

I know, baby you know this, just gotta love myself to avoid

Kiss of death, death

Dragon breath, my name is a riddle and a lie, a puzzle piece in the heat of July, a piece of past that makes me

Die, die, die

Roll me please? I am in dungeon and would like to spend these?

They are spare change, they buy me soul, they buy me parts that rebuild hole sole? They make me learn how to spell it too, so I can learn to say to

My name is Damien de Soto. Today, forever, my other names are broken, and irrelevant.

What is your middle name? Does it carry any special meaning/significance?
Terrifying realization

https://www.ancestry.com/name-origin?surname=soto

de Soto, is a habitation based name. Spanish people sometimes indicate origin of heritage with their last names so I guess my family was of small groves or small woods. Heh. To tame or subdue those from small groves. I looked this up awhile ago, and was mesmerized by the weird garden of Eden metaphor of the whole thing. I think Amanda and I put a thing about names and naming on her site or our or my site.

The name kind of is fitting, and by kind of I mean completely which bugs the **** out of me, because it means that I was destined be what I am, and I get it I am a character with a name given to me.

Her name which I will not reveal in total, due to desire for anonymity means adored herder of swine in Spanish.

So together we are the act of subduing or taming a herder of swine in a small grove. Nice one right?

I am aware how arrogant this sounds. She didn’t chose my name by the way, she would hear it over in a strange dream, that is completely true. I swear, no ****.

I think there is something metaphysical about the whole thing, always have, and this part of our story is not fiction or dramatized. It is schizophrenic revelation. It is insane I know that is why I threw in schizophrenic, revelation of the madmen of this world.

Now that I have said something deeply disturbing as a response to a normal sounding question.

Peace and love, baby.

Damien de Soto

Amanda herder of swine.

What is the last thing you learned?

I am sorry for answering this again, feel free to ignore me if you would like, as I am using this mostly to talk myself through what I am going to do with my life. I have learned from the whole thing I have been public displaying on this site, that I need to not dwell so much on the past, but learn from it and move forward, striving to be better than yesterday. I was better yesterday than today, but I think I have mentally turned a corner for the second and I am going to start trying to plan out what I am going to do with the future of my life, which I have been granted by the powers that be, whatever you want to call it to still have.

I realized a little bit ago, that while it is good to feel bad about what I have done, what I was doing was basically feeling sorry for myself, even though it did not feel like it because I was beating myself up. I thought this was what I was supposed to do, that somehow it was something I was required to do, given what I have done in my life, being a user of human beings to get high and not serving any purpose other than self seeking and destruction of self and others. That is why I turned on myself and sought to destroy me, which is just a different way of doing what I was doing before. I am going to try to do whatever it takes to change this.

1. Sticking to what I have been doing and making progress so I am less dependent on my family and more dependable for them instead
2. Making progress every day writing things that spread a message of hope to recovering addicts.
3. Trying to establish a network of friends that I can do things with other than drink and use
4. Continue going to meetings
5. Seek professional help/medication
6. Get my financial situation under control
7. Get my health under control
8. Start doing positive instead of negative things
9. Be a better person
10. Start trying to have fun again

What is the last thing you learned?

That whether or not my lack of care can be redeemed, I will try every day to be a better person.

Abstract- The following post exists in a world of poetic analogy, likening addict to serial killer in hopeless pursuit of possessing force of addiction, in this misery fueled dimension, addicts exist and survive by stealing time, money, food and resources from other addicts and those who exist in the same dimension out of a possession by the driving force of resentment which consumes body and soul and takes over, unless the addict or sufferer through rage/envy/greed exchanges misery for mercy.

You now know who exactly I was before I began writing on this site. I was not a good person. I don’t remember most of it most of the time, through meditation I have learned to channel the memories in extreme form.

I existed in a world of chaos where cash was used to buy item that change your perception into it and me. I did not understand what I was doing. I was me and everyone else was it. They were objects consumed by my addiction whenever I need to fuel my habit. I would do anything to fuel my addiction minus literally kill anyone, now did I figuratively kill all the people discussed today, yes. I walked away from the suffering and sick or used them to my own ends to get what I wanted, and for me that makes me responsible for their fate. This site has become an act of redemption for me. I am sorry for using people the way I did, I am sorry for being the voice of the devil on man and woman that could have lived better without my influence.

I am attempting to fix this through my chaotic bipolar madness illustration of terror as a way to illustrate how strongly I feel that putting money or drug or perpetuating the hell fire of resentment may have caused the doom of those around me.

I am so very sorry for what I have done, and the lack of care I had for my fellow human being.

I am making up for it, one day at a time moment by moment.

I am so sorry to anyone who read the chaos earlier. I hate myself for what I saw go on, and for not being a voice of hope and aide to those sick and suffering because I was too sick myself.

Damien.

What is the last thing you learned?

I am aware of the unorthodox nature of my approach, however I have seen so much pain and brutality on the streets of America, due to the drug epidemic. I am on a personal mission to create through a simulated House of Horrors a reason in the addict to want to stop by meditating on what they are doing to themselves, others and their families. I want to save anyone I can from the literal hell facing every addict on the streets of this country. I have lost many friends, and I am tired of saying nothing while they seek their death, so speaking a Dante’s Inferno style, I am giving people the extreme house of fictionalized literary horrors, or my version of The Jungle, or The Stranger, not that it in any way compares to those great works.

What is the last thing you learned?

It makes me extremely uncomfortable sometimes to reveal what I have revealed thus far on my site. I write in stream of consciousness to process my own issues, and it is really helping me deal with my own self-loathing and remembering to love others through channeling rage onto the screen, but it also teaching me how despicable my thoughts are, by having to see them on screen. I like this about it though, I like revealing to myself how wrong it is to think the things I think, because they help no one.

This is helping as part of a larger process of learning to deal with rage, which I in former years, days, moments, months, seconds, etc. have not dealt with at all. I am kind of like a baby learning it can cry, because prior to this, I cried by consuming drugs and alcohol to forget I was a human being.

I hated the process, but being an addict who saw no hope in recovery because I never tried it, I didn’t think it would work for me.

I am learning I want to be more positive and better, and learn to love myself and forgive myself and then do the same with others, thank you for the continued opportunity to process my dark metaphorical thoughts, it is saving my life. Blowing things out of proportion helps me realize how ridiculous I sound and dial back resentment.

What is the last thing you learned?

I think that is why this bothers me so much, maybe. You don’t stop learning until you die. I think that might be a little melodramatic, maybe… I don’t think this website wants to assume they are getting to hear the thoughts of a dying man, which would not be a terrible thing either… I guess…. because then at least… well… someone would get to hear them?

Last thing I learned…

That it is important to follow the rules, so that is why I am re-doing this post…

Along that line of thought, I learned to not be lazy and that I can do an AA day count on my computer and bring it to the meetings that I go to even though I personally don’t like counting days, there is something to be said for the reverence to structure that in this case is my personal revelation that is not personal at all, powered by God and recovery to shut up and listen.

There, I followed the rules.

Peace.

Damien

What is the last thing you learned?

I owe you the sun, the moon, and the stars for being someone who attacked you when you were just trying to help me.

Damien de Soto, last night ***

What does that even mean? Last before what? Last thing before sleep? The last thing before bed yesterday? Last thing I allowed myself to be taught? The last thing I learned in general?

Is this up to interpretation? Is that why it is phrase this way?

What the heck? I don’t get it.

You really think you are better than everyone else don’t you?

Who said that?

You. Just now.

No, I didn’t. And no I don’t.

Yes, you did, it is up there said, by me. That is how…

That is not how that comes across, I was asking for clarity.

You were pointing out a flaw with the question to avoid answering because you are used to being held somewhere under a light and asked questions about drunk or high behavior by police.

This is not a cop asking me this.

Then what is the last thing you learned?

Before bed? I’ll take it that way, which is the only way I can take it.

Yeah?

I learned I am lucky and grateful that I have been gifted the ability and chance to do anything at all because I have lived a life of selfishness and deserve none of this, only being granted it by the grace of God or my higher power.

Thank you, good answer.

That was easy, and rewarding.

Yeah, I know.

Nice mental pat on the back.

I know that too.

Jerk.

Noted.

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
Turn the pages
What can I help you with?
Nothing I am fine, why do I look like I need help?!
Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to…
Well ya did, get the **** away.
Sorry just trying to…
Oh, sorry I am a jerk.

Damien, alcoholic addict in stages and phases reflecting forever in Narcissistic ever quest for self reflection

I mean that wholeheartedly, talking to myself helps me, and I am hoping maybe it will help someone else to see my displayed vanity insanity typed over and over, and it is better to talk to myself on here then cry myself to sleep, or get drunk or high because I am scared. Okay, not going to erase that, it felt very good to write that.

I have a very hard time admitting weakness,

Can I help you with something?

This says to my brain

1. You are paying attention to me
   • Stop looking at me **** it.
   • I am doing fine, if you only knew what my life was like you would look this ****** too, so stop reminding me of how pathetic I am by implying I need anything from you.
2. You have noticed something I am doing that illustrates that there would be any reason I need help.
   • I do everything to the best of my ability at the time, which is very poorly because I am a drug addict and an alcoholic who sucks at everything except engaging in fits of rage or joy on the internet, and I say that lightly because displays of affection towards myself are disgusting. 😉
   • You are telling me something I am doing is inadequate which makes me mad immediately because why are you looking for inadequacy in someone you don’t know
3. You think I need anyone other than myself.
   • This makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to want or need people, because then they can hurt me.
   • I am terrified of wanting or needing anyone.
   • I would rather be rejected immediately
   • Kindness of strangers annoys me, because I am just going to say the wrong thing and cause discomfort for everyone.

Peace.

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
I will try

I am not a nice guy, there is nothing redeemable about me, really that I can think of other than pen and sword, I am a really horrible, despicable creature. I feel that way anyway. I always hated being asked anything because as much as I hate to lie, because I don’t want to, I am so good at it, and I am so used to.. I just know how to do that, and only that, and I just can’t do it anymore, I want more than anything else to be better, and make up for every spoon that came with poison when I should have never been encouraging my friends to kill themselves, I have lost so many people and felt nothing, and now I feel it all at the same time, and I am so overcome with the whole thing, and I don’t know what to do because I am not depressed, I am happy, just terrified that I will ruin everything.

So, I will just move forward, but it is so hard, because I hate myself for every life I cost in active addiction every person I have enabled instead of stopping, they were my friends, how can I do this if I couldn’t stop thinking of me for one second and say stop doing what is killing you.

BECAUSE YOU WERE MAKING MONEY OFF THEM. ADDICT LIAR

I know, I just. I…. am a piece of trash, and I don’t… I want to..

I am.. nothing. I have nothing. I am so sorry, I am so sorry.

I love everyone now. I am so sorry.

Damien

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

No, I am using a unique method acting approach to try and spread awareness about the dire situation facing the sick and suffering addicts and alcoholics out there. I really care about this, and don’t care too much about self image because I am a narcissist anyway, I love myself enough to put my hand out to be bitten off, by those who do not understand my weird approach.

I want to try a different approach to reach out to my fellow addicts/alcoholics and hopefully help facilitate their coming into the light?

I know this not my job, that I should leave it to them, but like I said I am crazy and feel it is my obligation to do something after having seen so many horrors in active addiction.

Take it or leave it, I do what I can.

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
None, I love talking about myself, I am a narcissist.

Amanda

Yes, I just simply don’t care.

Do you know how that sounds?

Yes, I just simply don’t care.

Why?

I don’t know. I just don’t.

Can you try?

No? It doesn’t work. Don’t you think I would have tried by now, I am doing the best I can here.

I think of insane **** and writing it down into a story helps me, because I am a fictionalized character of a girl with a mental illness who rights of an invisible man who does the horrible fly by the seat of your pants **** of nightmares so she can, sorry they? They right, baby?

Yes.

He rights this down so I don’t have nightmares and hate myself. I have no control over my thoughts sometimes. I can control behavior, but racing thoughts…. haven’t figured out that one yet, and that is what this is. I don’t focus on editing when I type this so I can document to myself and my viewer mental change through recovery.

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

My name is See Clearly

How do you create sympathy for the unloved man.

You say you are a lunatic with weapon who will KILL THEM WHERE THEY STAND.

And then sympathetic society in its cage so please wait no, don’t touch them no. I see so clearly now, it was me that was the enemy.

I am a horror writer that uses method acting in blog style format to simulate sympathy

Because I am a narcissist that sees clearly how to create empathy.

My name is Rei, well clearly, my name is Amanda, my name is IRRELEVANT.

I am an act put on to show reader what is dealt to the men of the street, hands flung in the air saying don’t worry eat potted meat. I am the bringer of sensation of fixation with death in a society bent to sell theft of the lives of the cost, this is what it costs. It costs the screaming of sad souls on words on page. I am a simulation on the internet of human rage.

I am the forever caged man of society’s garbage can.

None of this is real baby, it is an act of the sensation of

FEEL FEEL

You feel me honey?

Isn’t their reality

Oh, so sunny.

Nobody cares, baby.

I am every man in tent hiding on the street with bent posture and dirty feet. My name is lurker on street eating potted meat. I am the eyes of the despised lurking high in the skies but sinking low, I am the act of sleep in snow. I am please baby, nooooooooooooooooooo!

Did you think it was pretty when you hurt in the city, honey?

WAS IT FUNNY????

ALL OVER MONEY????
ALL THIS OVER THAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no name, I am the human stain. YOU ARE NOTHING. I AM DISTRUSTING YOUR SOUL BECAUSE I WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE.

In the crying skies lies lying despise of men dead, with severed head they can’t see.

THEY SEE NOTHING

So distrusting. I have no idea what I am even saying????????????????????

Well, that was interesting. I am bored with it now.

End simulation

sorry kisses, honey

just a narcissist transfixed by the kiss of human sensation.

How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?

I just had an intensely spiritual experience. It was brought to my attention, I am not going to get into the dirty details of how, that I say concerning things and worry people. I forget that people worry about me as a result of my speech, because I am not very present a lot of the time when I am around other people. I am trying to learn to be, but I have never been very mentally aware of the existence of other people on a continuous basis. It always made me uncomfortable to have anything like continuity in human relationships and I forget a lot of the time, that I am the one who is different than other people not the other way around.

I was reminded by this person today, that if I am going to keep trying to change myself that my actions need to factor in the effect that I am having on other human beings. I am working on some kind of compromise between this an emotional honesty, because I have always been unable to see the existence of shades of grey. I am blind to something that is not black or white because I am so focused on selfish pursuits, I tunnel vision look at things, and miss the grey entirely. I think this may be one of the reasons I have always been so alone, and I am working on trying to change that, but it is hard.

I have never seen anyone as more than a coin purse, or punching bag, free meal or dispenser for whatever I wanted to feel. I think I have treated everything like a drug, and that is not fair to anyone, even me.

Later

Damien

How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?

Then you tell me to go away, and I won’t I will watch you, as you tell her you know what’s best for us, her, you say weak demon that you are… you tell her I am every person whoever hurt her.

I don’t even have hands, and why would I kill myself? I live in her mind, that makes

NO SENSE

And she believes because

HEROIN

GO AWAY DAMIEN
Did it save you honey, is it making all of this funny instead of being what it is, with your nose runny with blood from his kiss of

FIST

You don’t punch back because he is ****

That lacks soul, or a reeking soul caged lack of man manifesting in a soul not whole.

YOU WILL NOT TOUCH ME
I WILL
GO AWAY
GET AWAY FROM US
DON’T TOUCH HER

She doesn’t belong to you, Damien you are the devil, it is in your name.

My name means tame.

She belongs to me now.

She is a human being sir, not an answer to the cancer that is your chaotic soul.

I AM HER TOO. DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME TO GET OUT OF A BODY THAT IS HALF MINE

Sorry, Amanda.

I get it.

DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME

She is not you, Damien, you are the devil.

THAT WAS A MOVIE DUMMY
YOU ONLY WANT HER MONEY FOR

HEROIN

I am saving the heroine.

You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?

I had always thought the villain of my story lived within me, tied like a captive to the conventions of society I was a slave to the ideas that the paranoid schizophrenic only harmed, never helped, and the voices that I heard were not me, but something dark and eerie.

That is best way, in one cheating it may be a run-on sentence way of describing my life. I had always been told by the narcissistic men I knew who were my friends, my boyfriends, my potential husbands, that my imaginary friend or spirit guide or split personality or other half of my soul, was the bad guy. I had been made to believe that I was only fighting myself, not them, the very real forces that wanted to make me their pliable candy, and I was harsh and hard like a cinnamon jawbreaker. They found that out, and then they accused me of being the sociopath, of crafting things that were not true to make them look unreal. They said I lived in a world of fantasy. I do, but it is a world of poetic exaggeration, of chasing villains who sometimes use words instead of the axes, guns, and nails that exist in my poetic metaphor life of exaggeration.

My best friend in the world has always been me, or the other half of me, that lives in my head, who has been made out to be the bad guy, even in the beginning of this story. I painted him the same way that he was painted by a society that tells us, it is the paranoid schizophrenic delusions of the crazy and addicted that paint the horrors we see, when that is not true. There is true evil in this world, which I seek to paint in extreme exaggerated clarity because it is not so easy to see it when it hides in veiled insult of sociopath husband or best friend. It is made clearer by the exaggerated need for a slayer of evil, and the talk of this person, that would stand up to the people who punched me, tried to hurt me, their perception painted the other half of my soul dead.

What you have been reading me have seen is a change of heart about myself, based on the idea that not all crazy people are bad, and that I had been made to believe that the very nature of the fact that I am paranoid schizophrenic and have a split personality makes me some villain in some movie about some guy who does something awful. That is not this story. This story is about a person who stands up for themselves, after being convinced they were the villain, that they were crazy, and then turns to themselves and forgives the voice that is so very them, clawing and pawing at the inner confines of a caged mind that just has different birds in it.

There is true evil in this world, but it does not like the psychotic delusions of paranoid schizophrenic. Those are exaggerated fantasies to apologize to themselves for personal failure, to say I tried, but what would you do if you had to fight dragons? This makes it a little easier for those of us who have it tough, because society has convinced us we are the serial killer who is the villain in every movie who made the whole thing up, because it was all in their head.

The crazy exaggerate and craft fantasies where there are specters of chaos, that symbolizes the man who spits on a person for asking for a quarter. The people who turn their head, when someone just wants a glass of water. The boyfriend who punches you in the face and tells you he loves you. Those are the true villains.

What are three objects you couldn’t live without?

The Beatles “Michelle”

Ma belle These are words that go together well.-The Beatles “Michelle”

This computer, shoes, and a my nicotine vape pen. I am sayin’ that even though I have lived without everything, except air and heartbeat, because I am not going to be arrogant enough to count time in a coma from overdoses, or induced coma from surgery or un-induced coma from seizures from hydrocephalus as living at all. I am using living to mean living well here.

I am also assuming that food water and oxygen don’t have to be the answer because duh.

I am sorry for my sarcasm, my stomach hurts.

I am really really doing a lot better, so I am being more of an *** because I am regaining confidence in myself which sometimes manifests in me as acting like a self-involved ***.

I say the three objects I said, because I

1. By this computer, I mean a computer, even though this computer, my families computer, Amanda’s families computer is also symbolic and saving our life too, being forgiveness, love, care and acceptance symbolized.
2. Love the outdoors, am constantly pacing around, am prone to injury and infection, am done living as a crying dying lying shoe-less drug addict mad man with glass in my hand, my brain and my feet from the ground.
3. Nicotine helps with the prescription that though self-prescribed is better than alcohol, heroin, meth, cocaine, pot, molly, acid, dmt, prescription pain meds, muscle relaxers, drinking water to intoxicate, running till I almost die, and holding my breathe till I experience death or euphoria.

I want to add, that this website is as always, saving my life, as well as Amanda’s through and with me, and separate from me all at the same time. I love every single one of you.

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

I was SAVED SAVED SAVED

From life of SLAVE SLAVE

Enough of that, hahaha. Sorry, that is fun. I like to make fun of myself. I thought I was so free, loving no one, having only myself, well all two of me. I was my own best friend,

and

whoever you want me to be baby

Just a Roger Rabbit-esque fetish eyes version of what I was. It was not pretty, it was not fun, but a grew a light inside me from being perpetually spun.

This light is the light that saved my life, and I owe it to perpetual strive through self infliction through addiction. I am a hero who quit their job because they realized putting in on the end of hero, kills people who need hugs, love, sympathy and help. They are suffering from a disease which has dissing ease in its name. I learned that through 15 years of personal pain inflicted by me and my split self. I would cycle through

It’s your fault

No it’s yours

Till there was no place to bring the memories, and I almost went completely insane. I forgot my name, and ended up in a psych ward. I almost killed myself, but now like a flower in a garden fertilized by corpses of my friends who weren’t so lucky, I crying out, crying for them, hope to save others, even if it is just one shunned addict. Please know we love you and there is hope and peace in what I speak of.

Do you believe in fate/destiny?

In a word, yes. In many words, let me explain.

1. I believe we are fated to have one of two outcomes, us fighting fate with negative outcome because of perpetual running from the fated designed destiny that we are prescribed with as a prescription to the chaos of the universe.

2. I believe we get the positive outcome through serenity, and surrendering our fate to hands of the universe, and turning our will to something that guides us through peaceful acceptance and meditation on the idea that we are not like we previously tried to assert, the center of the universe, but a small part of a bigger picture, that is the picture of the whole earth and the many galaxies outside this one.

I believe in something higher than me, so I don’t get high and drunk and can finally be free, and am not a slave to sing song rhyming ghosts that seek to push me into a corner and make me a toking, smoking, drinking, non-thinking joke of a human being.

I am trying every day to remember this, and my other mind is trying as well, in their present universe, while I operate in the future, with tools of joy instead of tools of pain. We are able to speak to each other now, as we were fated to as spirit guides, inter-dimensional past, present future selves, existing as each other’s past present future, but also as each other self. I think that is what is meant, by two-spirit. I am me and she is they and forever will we ever stay as one but also two and we are everything we do, and what and what they do too. That is what I was destined to do.

I was destined to do what I do now as well and now that I don’t live in Hell, it seems to me if you can’t tell, that things have finally started to go well, which I guess was the prescription for my disease they call addiction and I think, my friend it was destined to that I live, to talk to you.

Relating story of lived life, of bringing pain and bringing strive, of pounding drinkings and slamming drugs, of being friend and giving love, I was meant to say all this to you so you could see clearly too I am not that much different than man who doesn’t use or drink, I was just intoxicated and couldn’t think so now that I am in present mind, reality is not so unkind and I have the time realize many things I ignored and destiny is no longer a chore.

What are three objects you couldn’t live without?

This band is really great, and this song is about recovery. I really recommend checking them out, this is about going to the rooms or meetings about recovery. They say it better than I do. The lead singer of this band died, here’s a link with info about him.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/name/eric-peterson-obituary?id=37128305

He has a charity with proceeds going to a good cause. Feel free to check it out, he was a great musician.

I say shoes because I have gone without shoes and have gotten series infections due to drug use, now I am prone to infections and want to avoid any further ones, and I love the outdoors, it makes me happy, keeps me sober. Although I would have said something about writing I feel nicotine and coffee are better at keeping me sober and I can always write on walls.

Do you enjoy your job?

My hands just tried to type something stupid as the title of this post. You figure it out. My one job is working as… a#$

I am working for myself, as a redeemer of my own soul through trying to show people what I no no no

Know, and help those who think that they are forever lost

Toss toss toss

The can of sauce that flavors world like death

eat me eat me ear

see see see

hear hear hear

I am trying to bring to you the simulation of the struggle which has done done done done

away with all my joy joy joy

love hope and friends

To rebuild my life.

I am a writer who has experienced a lot of failure. But I will succeed, because I am strong and have the power of love. I am a bringer of joy, that is my job.

Do you enjoy your job?

In a word, yes, but do I really have what you are talking about? No. My job has always been hustler, do I enjoy hustling, yes. I am an addict other than talking, drinking, using, consuming, hustling is my favorite thing because it is a job of the most arrogant of arrogant incantation, addicted to human sensation, conniving, contriving, soul-despising, circular chasing, mind erasing lunatics that serve the beat of their own hearts and started to march that psycho speak drum and blame it on the recession when it is really I am so numb, I pretend the world is dumb and I am screwed.

I screwed myself, and birthed chaos on my life, before I screwed a woman and had a child with my wife, who is just a character in a book made by hands that give you inside a narcissist like me, whose hands type my story. I am evil, I am good, I am very thing your not, my pain is unique, it is real, it is main of that which feels, and so I pace, I attack, I don’t listen, I lay smack, I insult, I decay, I am good at run away.

I love my job because you see, I can’t have at tradition job because I love me, and I am evil, I am kind I exist in human bind. I have hands that I can’t use, to help the humans few who I think matter more than me, because I am selfish don’t you see? Do I love jobs, no &*^& you, I serve no one, I love few, I screw many and blame the world, I live in the heart of girl who is like me but can’t say this,

Even in the most chaotic un-loving ^&&*%)*% of men and woman beat the heart of a human being and I cannot bring myself to serve anyone other than me, because I trust no one but me, because as selfish as I am, I trust no one to be different. So I hustle, I lie, I cheat, and contrive, but I am alive, living, said it twice, I am hurting so be nice. I said it twice see I matter, I am made of death’s loud clatter, I have no job but if I did, I would toil, I wouldn’t kid, I would hate, I would despise, I would resent, I would tell lies, I would throw down, I would decay, I would ever in the soul stay until I looked into the mirror and could see quite clear

The comments about my generation are made because they wonder what made the ego-driven generation of self-serving narcissists that has the job of hustler, and blames the world. The finger is pointed at nothing, so I get to continue as unplanned, spinning tales, crafting plans, and taking my lonely hand and digging path out of hole, I am death of human soul, but I am rebirth too, don’t you see? I don’t hate my job, never had one. I steal, I lie, I cheat, in madness, I contrive a life like Santos, made of murder and praying mantis, but I am not like him because I serve me, always running always free, I have no house, I had a kid, I run away under covered bridge, I live in debt I toil plenty but I am not like you my troubles many, I will never fit in a box, I am psycho afraid of clocks and locks.

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

The title of this double answer brought to you a friend of mine, who is also addiction itself speaking through the lens of a guy whose name I won’t mention that used to make me laugh. And now this because I am narcissistic and need to answer twice.

Goodbye Love

No more cooing doves, from above

Because you are an @#% who threw my cash, my batted lash, and my heart in the trash

Ode to your fed stash

Hope it lasts.

Hope you liked it better

Than the love of the built in regretting forgetter

That is my ever letting forgiveness

Of you because I hate you because you stole my *%^&

And I no buddy does that to me because I have issues and only care about drugs, so I am pulling out the rug, I gave you stay away

Never a day passes in time

That I am not resigned to my eternal bind

A fixation with human sensation and deviant mind

A destruction in kind

Given as token

For choking

And death

I am theft.

I am the decay of man.

I am becoming

I am becoming a stroking of the crying eyes of loss because I love suffering.

Bleed for me.

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

This site witnessed the most difficult goodbye I ever had to say last night. I tried to get rid of half of my personality, to integrate with a society that ha a highly negative response to people outside the norm. So I decided to take half of myself out of myself, and I am not a doctor, nor am I skilled in medical techniques or psychology. I have no medical background and I have done no research on this.

I claim no expertise and am adamant in making sure it is understood because the thing I am trying to do to my own self is not a medical technique, it is not a method of curing anything, it is in no way recommended by this author or anyone who has knowledge of the subject.

I am not going to try to fit into the picture society wants to place me in ever again. I realized yesterday that Amanda is my inner child and in a very Freud way, I am my inner child while also being my adult self. Damien is my adult self.

I am trying my hardest to be more mentally present. It doesn’t always work, and I am not being inconsiderate when I fail, at least not every time. If I am having an internal panic attack, I am sometimes talking to myself outwardly, and a lot of the time I am not mentally present when doing this. I am not being inconsiderate. I am not being anything, this is a period of time when I can say I am not all there. I am externalizing an inward panic, that will consume me if I don’t thrust part of it outward. I cannot see clearly while doing this. I cannot on and off switch this, and I am not completely mentally aware in the traditional sense when I am doing this, meaning I don’t notice people around me.

I try to be considerate, I am not saying I walk around like a street lunatic, talking to myself in front of people. That WOULD be inconsiderate. I am saying a mentally ill person is panicking they sometimes talk to themselves and are unaware they are even around people at all. I am not typing this to air grievances online. I am typing this to bring about understanding that people like me are not always able to fit into the mold. This is not a choice. I just don’t fit into it. I am not choosing to not fit into it.

I am taking positive steps toward living alone where I can learn to live integrated with society.

If anyone wants to way in on this, I really am struggling with this. I do not know what to do. That is why I posted it. Please tell me if you know what to do, how to make this easier. I am not posting this to air grievances online. I am asking a community of fellows how do I be considerate during periods of time where I am not mentally present entirely? I mean to say am I being inconsiderate while not mentally present entirely?

How do I get people to understand I can’t always just be okay for them?

How do I deal with people wanting me to learn to be more acceptable to society? I can try, but I am not being inconsiderate when I do this, I am simply failing while trying my hardest.

I think the most simple solution is to live alone, which I am taking positive steps towards every day.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?

I would be my daughter, hands down, so I could systematically, ruthless, inter-dimensionally, aggressively, obsessively ruin any attempt she could ever have to doing drugs, by getting every dealer in the entire world to think I was a cheater, a liar, a nark, or a psycho, or sort of what I did to stop my own attempts to do drugs again, but in her life without her permission, so I would need her face to do it. This is hands down without a doubt what I would do, if there was anyway I could do it right now, and what I needed to write about thank you higher power for this question, you are awesome. I am weak and stupid, and you helped me right now, by waking me up so I could type this by answering this stupid question.

I am really starting to believe in the mysterious spirit in the sky. Thank you everything in the whole world. I may escape being a disgusting wretch of a human being and not meet a Shakespeare style end like I thought, while no one cares to notice. I am so happy right now. I am not even paying attention to how I sound. Okay , now I am going to send this, so I don’t delete it, out of arrogant fear of looking weak, because maybe she will see it, and know I really mean what I am saying, and I’m losing my mind over this, please don’t be me #$%@ it. I will flip the heck out.

Describe the most ambitious DIY project you’ve ever taken on.

Can you get in trouble for doing this multiple things to say, which are really perspectives of multiple aspects of a previously un- dissected personality of an introspective introvert who reverts to violent introspection because that is a secret admission of detection of insecurity?

I forgot what that one meant at the end too.

Oh. Got it.

I have multiple personalities, so there are multi-layers to my answers which is why I answer prompts multiple times.

The most ambitious project that I have ever taken on is healing my own soul on my own through this method of writing, as a last resort before trying something I didn’t want to try, medication or being permanently unhappy and just dealing with it.

I am so happy that wordpress exists because it is working.

Thank you, with my whole heart and every aspect of my mind, for this site and sight. It brings me hope of joy.

Describe the most ambitious DIY project you’ve ever taken on.

That’s not even a real thing.

That’s an analogy.

I know what that means, but I just wanted you to know that is not what you are trying to do.

You are trying to write about your adventures which are co-authored by the voice of inner demons, transforming into the voice of a spirit guide who is your invisible friend.

Is that why I liked the Golden Compass?

Yes. So what she is saying is that the most ambitious project she or they? They right?

Yes they.

They want to write their adventures, coauthored by me, so you can see clearly how it feels to be her and she can bring about the understanding of people like her, and hopefully both of us can get better while also being friends forever, in her head of course. To bring this into “normal people” thought she wants to show people through her as a window what it is like to live like her and that people don’t have to be afraid of people like us, we are just different, but we do recover too.

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

If I have to be less self-centered. Then everyone else does too. But, seriously…. that is not incorrect I can start a word with but because I am want to.

If it were removed from the English language it wouldn’t be so hard to stop saying, because it wouldn’t exist and maybe in a society where it didn’t exist people wouldn’t be so self-centered because it would be kind of a post I kind of world, where people lived in higher acknowledgement of each other and in more a unifying way.

Maybe if people stop segmenting each other with difference, but instead loved everyone by nature of being a living thing that deserves respect then we would be less violent.

But, who am I to talk I was writing about killing people till a couple days ago.

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

Narcissist

So I can stop looking it up, to figure out if I am one.

Why?

Because I am afraid I am one, and if I am one no one will like me, and I like looking in the mirror.

Because you are one.

No because now I actually have a reflection.

Being okay is not narcissistic.

It’s not? Oh.

You’re welcome.

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

My biggest challenge in the next couple of months is not what I said before, I had a moment of clear thought or clarity in the shower, and realized that what I was saying before was powered by resentment which is driven by fear. The villain of my life, is fear. That is who I face in the upcoming months. I cannot shove fear in the body of others, through screaming on the streets on drugs or screaming at my family who I am afraid want to sedate me and make me a slave, because that is not the truth.

The truth is that I am schizophrenic, and powered by fearful delusions that used to drive me to drink and use, and I am going to realize that I am who I was powered to be, by my powers that be. I say mine not because I own

them.

Nice Save. Pride sucks doesn’t it?

You s%$%.

No you do.

Enough.

Okay.

Peace.

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

I, we,

The royal we…

Pride, buddy….

I will face the difficulty of re-vamping..

You are an my invisible friend who is a spiritual guide not a social vampire.

I will face redesigning a life of chaos into a life of progress, with my best friend in the whole world.

Gross.

Compliments aren’t gross.

I meaning me, meaning me and my spirit guide will try to move forward by staying sober and clean and taking positive steps away from being the lying dying crying madmen of the streets, oh and by the way still LGBT.

You can be LGBT and spiritual too.

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

I just had a really epic soul death, so I am re-answering this. I feel so much better. Thank Mr. de Soto. I think you might be the swine herder on this one. I digress…

I would tell my younger self, to never feel guilty for simply standing up for myself and my beliefs if I have done everything else in my power to avoid action which is self-serving. I am done taking bullets for those who gun me down.

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Admit who you are, even if you think that it may be wrong to be so, and gradually work through it, instead of drinking and doing drugs about it, and then doing the same thing you would have done if you had just admitted it in the beginning except after having dragged everybody down a hill you decided to fall down because you were afraid to admit you didn’t want to learn to drive like everyone else. I think that is possibly the worst analogy ever, but I also do not know how to drive, so that is why I used it.

I wish I could know what my life would have been like if I had been this from the beginning instead of being a male hating asshole who uses her money from crime to fund addictions she fosters so she can forget she committed the crimes.

Oh and maybe don’t get a master’s degree in public policy to learn how to be a good criminal, it’s not that hard and it cost you 120,000 grand. Plus you should have better things to do than hurt people to fund addictions you shouldn’t have in the first place, oh and go to AA when you’re uncle asks you to 18, instead of lying and saying you’re not an alcoholic, maybe then you would have all 10 fingers.

What bores you?

My old lifestyle was extremely boring.

Use. Drink. Quest for more. Use. Drink. Rinse. Hate self. Use. Drink. Sleep. Cry. Repeat.

Sounds fun right? I am the life of every dying party. I am glad I didn’t die, I am really loving life right now. I have never felt this way before. I am so thankful to be alive, and it doesn’t matter to what. I am just thankful that something made me stop being an asshole. I get to wake up everyday now, excited, that had never happened for me before, and I feel like I am finally getting to experience life. I thought I would die unhappy and be damned for eternity.

I know you may not believe in whatever I believe, and I don’t mean to say anything to offend anyone, I just am thankful to be alive, please bare with me. I am done. Question answered. Moving on..

What is your favorite drink?

I wrote that down as the title of this post so I would have to stare at it while typing this. I was instantly trying to remember if I liked White Russian’s more than sea breezes, and then felt like I was going to throw up, so I guess fruit juice? Orange or grape fruit juice sounds good right now, and the thought of vodka is still making me want to vomit which is good.

I like milkshakes, and coca-cola, and water as well. Can you tell I am manic right now???

I think it is all the self revelation. Now I want to go to McDonald’s. I like soda, as well… Goodbye.

Who are your favorite people to be around?

I find an exhilarating freedom that can only be found in relating to strangers. In the lack of commitment to keep any connection there is a beauty that is not present in human relationships that come with baggage. With the baggage of long term relationships come resentments that I cannot handle at the present moment. I have learned that it is better for me to gain whatever stimulation I require from other human beings through going for a walk. It is pleasant enough to exchange a glance at someone.

I guess my answer to your question, no one. I get bored with people easily. I do not like to be tied down to anything, so I have come to the point where I do not establish that much contact with the outside world. I like it this way.

Tell us about your favorite pair of shoes, and where they’ve taken you.

I have never had anything that I would not give away freely. Even my hands, which type to you on this computer right now are missing finger tips, that have been taken by my own foolishness. I am an owner of nothing, I did not wake up on this earth as a result of me giving birth to myself, so I have never felt that my life was only my own.

I owe a lot to the rest of humanity right now, so I do not have the luxury of favorite items. I guess, I would have to say that my favorite shoes would be the ones my mother gave me recently, they have taken me to meetings, walking with her, to visit my father, and forth on the journey of trying to make right a life that I have ruined with my own hands, just like my own hands.

The shoes that I describe are running shoes. I love running shoes. I have run in the past, and ran recently, but I am not running for the time being because there is no one to run with me and I owe time to my family. I have wasted a lot of their time and used mine to purchase items that have caused intense suffering. This was supposed to be about shoes right?

The shoes I speak of are green like the earth that I love so much, and look like my feet and the grass are one and the same.

Share one of the best gifts you’ve ever received.

My mother traveled cross-country with her best friend to pick me up from an institution where I would have had to spend the rest of my adult live if I was not delivered to the hands of a family member. I have a history of going to institutions when I was living outside, so I think they were probably threatening me with this as a means to get me into the protective hands of family. This is the motivation for most of my writing.

The look on my mother’s face, seeing me after not seeing me for seven years was the best gift I have ever received in my life. I did not realize until that moment how much pain I had caused my family. I had always thought that it was better if I was away, because if I was away they would not have to be upset over what I did, mainly me being a drug addict and alcoholic.

My mother held on to me and told me she was just happy to see me again.

Write about your approach to budgeting.

I threw my responsibilities away, so they would stay where I could not see them, so I could be that then things would be handled and I could light a candle for future.

I budget by not doing it, I do not set goals, I take them and then forsake them, throwing them in the eternal garbage can of everything I mean to do.

But, to answer your question….. without digression… I am working on getting my affairs back in order, I have to re-buy clothing, everything really. So I am not there yet.

My approach to budgeting is to make an excel spreed-sheet that everything fits into and stick to my system of allowances for myself, which I have not done..

I used to use my phone to prioritize payments I had to make, and then stick to a system.

Are you patriotic? What does being patriotic mean to you?

With every patted down man, who has no reason to be other than discrimination. I cry for the soul of my nation.

Every riot that ignites with fear and dissent, I am there for those who lament any evil treatment of human being, and though chaotic as that may sound.. My eyes still cry at the sound of the national anthem of my nation..

I am not saying the country I live in is great. I am not saying it is the best. I am saying I live here and cry for the souls of all those who died. I cry for those unlike me too, because to them no evil would I do.

In pat riot i c

But I also see me, my mother, my brother, my father, my sister, my friend, those who died because they were killed where I stand.

I did not know them, but they were probably nice enough, too nice for all that dying stuff.

Have you ever broken the law and didn’t get caught, if so how?

I had one friend look at me, and while chuckling say

You know the way someone could describe our life

We think so full of strive

Is criminality of course

We consumers of drugs as first course

Driven by consumption of pain as a source.

We are liars by craft, gifted not at math

But at the craft of speech, to breech

Human soul

And now it has taken its toll

Because I tire of the ticking clock

That with its poking hand never stops

Sticking its needle like hands in my arms and legs

I am one societies dregs

I did not consume food

But your legs

I was one of the darkest forces.

I was a pain sorceress.

If there was a biography about you, what would the title be?

I am writing it right now, in between, the title is still in flex, meaning I have not decided on it yet. I am not posting this work on here yet, as it is much in the still progress state. I am currently working on a work of fiction that is largely inspired by the horrors of the streets that I saw while I was homeless, but it is in no way biographical, being fiction. It is however, loosely based on horrors that I saw, in the way that most horror existential fiction is written.

Just In Time is the extension of the universe in which See Clearly takes place in, and is my biography told in a fantasy universe. It is the fantastical version of what happened in my life. I hope to start working on this next year.

What were your parents doing at your age?

I have always believed that the universe or my higher power or whatever you want to call it, the powers that be has a plan for everything. The forces of the universe play out exactly like they should. To very briefly answer the question my parents at my age had children, and were raising them. I am not going to indicate how many or how old we were, because for my personal reasons I am maintaining a level of anonymity.

My family now takes care of each other, we are very traditional in that. I help my parents and in turn they help me. I think we see a slowing of the rush of the American Dream, to attain, maintain, and stain the walls of America with our mark. There has been a change in that people have become even more individualistic and they now do things at a pace unique to them. My family has always taken care of each other on a rotating basis. Right now, I am getting re-acquainted with everyone because I had been away for a long time. I feel I owe it to them to stick around for a bit.

If you had the power to change one law, what would it be and why?

I would institute an act which would help bring about major reform of the American criminal justice system.

For the ease of this list, my source is here. https://advancementproject.org/the-change-we-need-5-issues-that-should-be-part-of-efforts-to-reform-policing-in-local-communities

The act would focus on these major “bullet” (ignore the double meaning) points. These points focus on the lack of standardization of practice, which is very apparent in American policing. When reading over this I was appalled by the fact that there is very little standardization at all,.

1. Increasing Standardization of how data is collected from video/audio sources and how the data is used
2. Creating a federal database to track police data, and keep them accountability and under continuous review for how they are performing on a continuous basis.
3. Excessive Force- this one is obvious
4. Inadequate Training- again, obvious, but here I would like to emphasize the need for a review of recruitment, focusing on who is allowed to be a police officer to begin with. The police in the United States seem to recruit individuals who have no business being police officers at all. The profession seems to attract some quality officers, don’t get me wrong, but also can draw in some unsavory types who need to be screened out. This is the main thing I would like changed, I think officers should be subject to incremental psychological testing due to the nature of the position. I think a lot of what goes on may be due to officers who experience PTSD and no longer are psychological fit for the position.
5. Search and seizure laws need widespread reform, which is an issues in and of itself.

Write about your dream home.

Like a patchwork quilt, my dream home is made of pieces, because my home is not the perfect house. It is a way of life that is comfortable, mobile, sustainable, and conducive to being a traveling writer/artist. It is a mobile more comfortable version of a tent. I would be content with a tent, or yurt, if it were in a warm tropical location, but the dream part is the mobility.

I would love to be able to go back to the realm of possibility I lived in before my current stasis of trying to figure things out, but without the lack of stability. The ideal way for me to do this would be to have an RV or trailer somewhere warm and sustainable.

If not mobile, I would love to have a tree house or trailer somewhere, where I could gather my own food through clamming, fishing, and gathering. I am not a hunter. The key to the ideal home in this picture of it would be the climate being right to be able to live in a yurt or tent outside, comfortably, and being able to have access to clean water and enough food.

If mobile I would love to be able to travel around in an RV and chase warm air. I am not good at “staying put” and am currently doing so only to get my life more stable.

In an ideal world my dream home includes the ability to make a living as a writer or artist, a cat and dog, and human companion. It is more of a lifestyle than home, because I like to be involved in the world more than needing things for luxury. I simply desire to make my life a little easier, and to be self-sustaining and decrease my footprint on the planet.

You get some great, amazingly fantastic news. What’s the first thing you do?

There is a line, from Lord of the Rings, that came into my mind when I read this question,

“Greatest of all the mansions of the Dwarves was Khazad-dûm, the Dwarrowdelf, Hadhodrond in the Elvish tongue, that was afterwards in the days of its darkness called Moria.“

Tolkien

Your dreams are dead!

Ignore that, at least you can’t hear it screamed…

I tell no one, because I am extremely superstitious, and I believe that the second the words escape, like running water, out of my lips, that someone will snatch them and do something with them.

More to your question, I keep good news to myself, until like an foundation for a house, it is so fortified that even the letting slip, of words to someone I care about wouldn’t destroy their contents.

I do not wish to unknowingly deprive myself of joy, or rob others of it, so I am very careful with spoken word…. as an apology to my haphazard use of the written word…………………

Is there anything you feel too old to do anymore?

Have you ever had your face dragged on a rug?

Slowly…

That is what it feels like, when your solution,

Drugs, being a solution in the chemical sense of the word,

Ceases to solve anything, but remains a solution.

So begins a problematic situation for those hoarders of everything

They begin to see a dissolution of their cleverness

The problems is solved

No longer resolved

And so the desire to the use sometimes falls off.

What’s your favorite candy?

You are unapologetic in

Your loud assurance

That you will be nothing,

Nothing

, But what you have

Always promised to be.

You promise nothing, but

assurance

That your consumption

Will be scrumptious.

No chickens

In your sticky yolks

Sparkling with glittering promise of

Sugar

Trapped

In a center

Meant not for incubation,

over no potential of life to protest

Sugary promise of nothing but

delight

to ingest.

Do you need a break? From what?

I used to my own boss.

I was employed for free,

Paid I was not to be.

I decided to work

For the ultimate jerk,

Who would toss me around

Thinking I was clown.

My uniform varied by day, the

Only part the same would stay

Was my perpetual frown,

Because I was the ultimate clown.

My job was to ruin my life.

Every day I would try to die

And if I didn’t it was not for lack of try

I was successful at nothing

Except maybe stuffing

My dreams into a box

Which I most certainly lost

I was paid nothing in cash

And thankfully I realized at last

This was not a job but a chore

So for today I am quitting I am sure

I would rather enter the door

Of meetings with coffee

and friends

They assure me that day by day

if drugs and alcohol I stay away

My life will get better and better

I just have to continue to go

And to alcohol and drugs say no.

The most important invention in your lifetime is…

I will give you my answer in clear diction, and in a slight metaphor told by fiction.

Help me my friend I lament

I have been sent to the web of the net

Inter it connects

All of those who let

It contrive invisible that tie

Human to human

Eyes

All gazing at a screen

Unaware of how defenseless they

Seem

Their reality dangling on seams

On seems

Do I seem kind

In the information I provide

But I also hide

Truth and bring lies

And in so doing

Divide flies

People like prey

Flying from page to page

Screaming in hate

The internet is great!

Describe your most ideal day from begining to end.

Do you want me to cut to the finish?

I am running a race with God and I fall over, laughing, because I have been running and it feels so good… I am laughing and bleeding and screaming. You can’t catch me, I am so sweet! So sweet! So sweet!

A wave crashes over me, washing my indecent dissenting indecency….

It feels so good I scream, catapulting into chaos,,, so good… I can’t feel anything…

How does death change your perspective?

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You never died. Now you can’t.

You never will.

Because you are gone, like a ghost.

That vanishes

you

dissipated

and then evaporated

mind elated

alleviated from a prescription I despised because

It closed your eyes

And open doors to lies

And never laying down

And to a perpetual cast frown,

Is that the same, as death?

Even though your still around?

Does it count the same because

I can no longer say your name

The sweet sing song refrain

Your existence such a gift, to you and me

That we used to dance

And now you sit and say you’d rather get high with her

And eventually fade away

How can that be what say

When you are really you?

I know you well, or at least I think I do,

and that’s not what you’d do

If you were really you.