You are so wonderful honey

You are so divine, you make me lose my ****ing mind, baby.

You are being obnoxius.

Isn’t that the point?

I think it was your point, yes.

I think it may have been…. thank you for calling me on it.

Anytime, ***hole.

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Rick

I am rooster named Rick, and I get lots of chicks, I think that is the reason for my name, but whatever it sticks. I am quite amazing in fact, good at all things, and every morning I get up I am good with my wings, I am a singer, good at acting, and have quite good eyes, and at night I am quite good at telling lies.

I sing through the night, and sleep during the day, by tommorrow, I think they will tell me to go away.

Self-burn, ouch, got yourself.

It is you I am talking to. I said half.

There is no such thing, we are the same human, we just talk to each other, with the same hands.

Ouch.

Bite me

Hello, you strange, ***hole.

I think they can still tell what the word is, Amanda.

I know they can still tell what the word is, that is kind of the point, all the word none of the guilt.

Isn’t that cheating?

Yes, not the point.

That is the entire point.

I think you might be right.

Emotional maturity is not usually my thing, this is kind of cool for a change. Hahahah!

Good job ruining it.

I am fine, why?

You haven’t talked to me all day, that’s why.

I know, I was insulted by the universe earlier.

The universe insulted you? That sounds pretty narcissistic.

The universe thought so too.

Her name was Tammy, thought she was a mirage, she was very relaxing to be around, her art, the massage, her eyes were pretty, her boyfriend was an ***, her name was Tammy, I taught her to relax.

We sat for hours, and she finally spoke truth, her boyfriend a cheater, with some girl named Ruth, she was unhappy, she told me the whole story, now her poor boyfriend is sore and alone, alone, alone, so sad, too bad, poor ******* got dumped over the phone.

I made this sarcastically for you, and for whoever likes sarcasm.

I’m lonely, and dealt with a lot of dark memories today, so I am writing dark fiction all day, because **** my life.

I appreciated you going to the meeting with me this time.

That’s a first.

I know, memory is not that bad of a thing.

Says the inner child, that forces half its personality to be an adult, and also the villian of their own story, which is really just the horrors of living on the street as an addict.

I’m sorry, okay?

Thank you.

Are you sorry for anything?

Everything.

That’s very specific…

Isn’t it?

What do you mean?

That was sarcastic and not a question.

Lovely Technicolor Angels from Hell

Cranberries are not dates.

I just thought that was a funny title, I like plays on words. I have been in a *****y mood because of chronic pain, from arthritis in my hands, it runs in my family and is made worse by me typing like a lunatic, and also the amputations of the tip of my thumb, part of my middle and index finger, that is due to heroin, meth and alcohol abuse.

I also have had probably 20 revisions of a VP shunt because I have hydrocephalus, so I am getting used to my normal pain level while not doing meth, heroin or drinking. I have never been sober/clean in my adult life, so I apologize for my continuous neurosis, complaining.

I am disdain, I am drain, I am in intense physical pain.

You are a whiny bitch.

You are a bitch period, and you deal with nothing, you just sit there and laugh at me while I complain.

At least I laugh, and you just complain.

You laugh at someone being in pain, and that is somehow an upgrade to what I do?

I hate you.

I know, I hate you too, that is why I am trying to force you to leave by being intolerable.

Explain

I have my own inner child, and married couple living in my head.

I identify as Damien, and the voice of resentment is Lydia, and my inner child is Amanda. I used to refer to my inner child as Lyra though.

That is really ****ed up.

I know right? There you go. See it Clearly?

As a Rei of Light.

A dream, a dream, a dream of a drama queen.

We panhandled a nickel, a nickel, a nickel, we are rascals, and got it quickly, so we need to make a quick decision what to do? What to do?

Oscar needs a nickel. Oscar needs a nickel, it is just a nickel. Give oscar the nickel.

That chick over there said she would sell me a dog for a hundred bucks.

That chick over there is a liar, and she is just going to rip us off. Give oscar the **** nickel, we will make another one.

What if this one is lucky, and we need it to make more.

Give Oscar the nickel Lydia. It is just a damn nickel.

The light of perception is blurry

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

My perception, my perception

It is the oldest I have, my clothing is new,

My life no longer sad.

I have been percieveing with these eyes for 36 years, they have seen many things, experience love, hate, and fear. They are learning to know peace and serenity, but are not there yet, not sure when, or if they will ever be,

But it is my quest, and I am quite glad, better this, I figure than remaining

INSANE

My clothes are new, so this post is silly, as I think my skin is 36, and my soul lays somewhere in this flesh container I occupy, and see through brown eyes into a world that is painted by my perception, painted the way I view it, used to be colored with rage and jealousy, but now beginning to change, and everything going from stained to changed.

I am learning to change my perception, and my clothes, unlike when I was one of the homeless folks and I lived in old clothes, donations that were never really mine, now my clothes, although they are bought not by me, are new, but my skin is still 36, and carries with it the knowledge of 36 years of not being new.

I keep thinking about you?

Why, ***hole?

I don’t know, lonely.. I guess… so how are you?

I am alone, but unlike you, I don’t go laying all personal insecurities all over the internet, so people feel sorry for me.

I don’t do it so people feel sorry for me.

I find that hard to believe.

I am not as pathetic as you think I am.

You mean not as pathetic as you make yourself look.

Ouch.

I know, that was a good one.

Yes, it was.

Zingers for swingers.

Cheap shot.

I know.

You really suck at titles.

You really suck at titles, too.

I know you are, but what am I?

That doesn’t even make any sense.

We are both being so immature for a second I forgot who was talking.

I like when that happens.

Pages: 1 2

She took my best friend, and made her, her’s.

Revision, revision, I am working on my vision, blurry, blurry vision….

Eye rolling, I am working on it….

You really need to stop refering to women in the ways that you do, because it offensive, Damien.

I used to be one.

It is still sexism.

Is it really?

Yes, it is actually also machismo.

Okay, fine.

I wish I could break up with myself, like I did with all the bottles and sewing needles on my shelf.

I am instead stuck with me, oh to be you, so wonderous and free.

Sofia, Sofia, for you I fall apart, with every fallen petal, you pain my heart. My sunflower goddess, my beauty, my dear, your smile, your sunlight, makes my pain severe, I miss you so badly, I loved your dear heart, but

I left you in New Mexico, fearing a start, at anything with you, so I left on day one, leaving not a trace of me, nothing but shun, I am sure you don’t care by now, because it has been many years, but thinking of how I felt with you, can bring me to tears, this is all pure selfishness, because you are better off, with someone, not me…

To be, to be, so wonderous and free, away, away, so sadly, I can’t break up with me..

Not my real cat

My cat was just on my roof. He got chased up there by this other local stray, that we feed because we feel bad for it. It is not a nice cat though, we just think that, nice cat or not, this case being not, everything deserves to eat. The cat comes for three meals a day to an outside food bowl. My cat or our cat, is afraid of the cat that comes to the food bowl, who is jokingly named the Interloper.

Our cat just avoids the other one, most of the time, but was out all night.

I think in the middle of the night the Interloper chased our cat up a tree, and then fearing coming down our cat jumped onto the roof instead, and was up there crying when we found him.

It was fairly easy to get him off the roof.

Just thought I would share that, because it made me laugh.

I am fine.

You don’t sound find, you silly ****er.

I know I don’t because I am not. I am really lonely and depressed.

Me too, but you sounded worse than me.

I want us to move on, get over having been a ****y addict and find friends and a girlfriend.

Agreed.

It will be okay, just keep your head above water, and it will be okay. You are not doing anything wrong.

I know I am not doing anything wrong, I just have a hard time being in the situations I am in. I am not good at conflict, and a lot of the time I just wish people would leave me alone.

I know, ditto.

Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

Glowing with posotivity

In a dark room, in the depths of hell, lives an addict with pain that is just swell, or swelling, of the mind of the soul, and also of the brain, which caused them to go insane, and come to think strange thoughts, like I don’t need them, don’t need anything or anyone, anything at

All

They are the ones that are smaller then me, though I am so tiny.

My arms are cut by pin pricked misery, and so I have learned a great skill you see. I can just look in the mirror and talk to

MYSELF, or type it on the internet, or scream at them at the top of my lungs, it is really so much fun, see sweet Ms. Re…. we have just won.

It was a ****ing pun.

Oh, yeah right.

You don’t know what a pun is?

Of course I do.

Yeah, because you are talking to yourself on a screen, moron.

Nuts

I think if anything I am learning that I actually have a heart, which is why I have been complaining as much as I have, which has helped me learn about myself. I use this thing to do that, so to anyone reading this, I am genuinely sorry for the level of negativity that comes out of my brain and is reflected back on the computer screen, and through the waves of the internet.

I am small

I am not really here at all

I am a box containing excuses

It is not my intention to get attention, or views or anything, simply to learn who I am, after removing all toxicity.

I have learned more than anything recently, how much I want very simply to become a better human being, and try to find someone who is not toxic or many people, mainly friends who are doing the same.

My sincerest apologies,

Damien/Amanda

You are everything I do not have, because I have lived of a life of too bad, so sad, goodbye’s, of too high to live, but too sad to try to die. You are everything I never had, becuase I was too mad to put a bottle down, too angry to throw out mixed poison, and now I am stuck in looking back, because for the moment, it is Sunday and I have nothing to do, but think of you.

I am a gasoline fire, made of pained backward reflection, smoke billowing everywhere, anywhere and nowhere, burning embers, burning leaves saved from September, the last time I remember feeling anything other than small and addicted to pain.

She looks like our friend, baby.

Yeah she does, are you done ****ing now?

Yeah, I guess so, at least I have you.

You are faceless, because I don’t know your name, you are representation, of women with shame of meetitng me on a night when I was without memory enough to be any thing but an ***

Who painted you blue… okay this is obnoxious, **** it.

I exist beneath you, just like you wanted, residing in the idea of down, I am beneath you, honey. I am just where you wanted me, down here.

I am the idea of down.

I am the idea of on the ground, so low, so so

Low.

Solo, that could be said too, but always beneath you.

I am the burst bubble

I am the idea of too much trouble, because I am really.

Minty

What is your career plan?

I am without a dream, my dream died long ago, I mean. I had a dream or dreams once, I mean. My goal or career plan was to write anything and use money I made to pay for my life… didn’t work out to well, well the economy in America crashed, so I drank and did drugs about it.

You really think anything would have been different had you been born at a different time?

Yes, I would have been able to experience adult life before hitting rock bottom.

Okay, that makes sense, and seems true.

I am trying now to start a re-sale business, and find some way, anyway, many ways to write for petty cash.

I like eating dinner with me too.

***hole.

That’s what it is isn’t it?

What that you’re an ***hole? If that is what you mean than, yes.

No, that when I eat with you, I am eating with me.

Not exactly.

So pretty much.

This is pointless.

My point exactly.

Did he give you the cold shoulder?

My icy shoulder warms for you.

You are really creepy.

I am not, she warms my shoulder, with her nice eyes.

You were perfect, and I ruined you.

I touched your face with vanity, the loving glow of insanity.

She was perfect and you put make-up on her.

I like to ruin the things I admire.

Why?

It makes them insecure like me.

Women are not things.

Oh, yeah right.

You are such an ***hole.

I am lonely, I don’t know…. I don’t have anyone new, and I am just lonely.

So think about something else.

I would rather not.

Why?

It helps my stupid ego to remember that someone loved me once.

That is pretty lame.

I know.

What are your favorite emojis?

This is really mean, thanks.
You know I love you, and it is funny.

I hurt my own feelings too, by the way.

Good.

I like the vomitting one, because I used to use it all the time when someone would ask how I felt when I was hung over and they knew I was hung over or didn’t have what I needed to get up and they had the audacity to ask me anyway.

Or, they were concerned and asked you out of concern.

Forcing me to admit weakness in the morning is obnoxious.

Having a human body that is subject to being sick is not a weakness, fearing to admit that you are human is.

Says the person talking to their split personality on the internet.

Burn.

Fighting on Goddesses

How many times have you been me? How many times have I been you?

I am holding a stick not a sword, because sticks and stones, hit harder than pen or sword, because the words of children speak more to my writer than anything else, because that is when my writer learned to hate themselves.

The things that cut me are not sharp, they are dull, and cut me because I stick them in myself, over and over and over, a repetitive behavior, I know.

I am always here, never there, because I am always here.

Always, and never, always and never

Always

Never

That is really mean, but you know what, I forgot which one of us was talking, I might have been insulting myself.

You were, so the mean comment was at yourself, to yourself, about yourself, which you shot back at me.

Cool?

That’s all?

Yes?

Cool.

***hole.

Cool!

That one was actually such a peice of **** thing to say, I remembered why I like you.

I am extremely obnoxious

There are two of you which is terrifying, because that makes me think of identical twins, who both hate me.

Colored with laziness, because I don’t care, which is why I am alone.

Or we could do what we did with that one girl we knew. You know the one?

Oh, yeah?

She dated you.

I dated her.

She had our issues too.

Both sides of her, broke up with both sides of us.

She wore a yellow address, because she was happy, which makes me mad, because I am an ***hole, who is very sad.

How dare you enjoy life? I cannot, I am addicted to strife, or to strive, or to striving or to seeming

So so so

Alive.

That sounded insane.

I know. Isn’t it great.

No.

Ouch.

I actually did think it did, you just gross me out.

I know, because I am your own self-love, or the rabid dog version of it, which is a funny way of saying narcissistic personality disorder.

I am married to myself.

Look at me, as I talk like two different people who are divorced.

Dancing sirens at the ocean.

Make me think of my devotion, to nothing but myself.

Ouch, I burned myself.

That is really ****ing accurate.

Isn’t it?

Yes.

That is why people thought I was your ex-boyfriend.

You kind of are.

How?

I don’t really know.

Me neither. I think I would be your ex-husband not boyfriend.

Hahah. The ring of power.

I am looking at her, but I am also looking in the mirror, and seeing something that is not real, and also seeing how I feel about my own stupid face.

My hate of you is of me, not you.

I live in a cage that is my body, which I think I am in because I am an ***hole, who would be way worse if I had gotten what I wanted, this is not how all people like me feel, this is just how I feel, and if anyone else is going to tell me I am not an ***hole, that I should not say that or something, read anything else I wrote on here.

I am an ***hole.

You are beautiful.

My best friend, and also ex, left for me a girl in a red dress, and then was my best friend again, mine not hers, Amanda I mean, she was not here for this time, because I was able to be myself, without the supervision of my other self.

Hey, not nice.

I know, but that is the truth. Go with me here, I am telling you things too, that you were not there for.

We would sit together at the bar, watching girls from were we sat, while he sat and made me laugh, and to this very day, I can call him and he knows the next word I will say.

My ex called Rei hates this fool, which I call him in his own words, he was my best friend too, long ago, but now it is not allowed, we both say so, way to toxic was this mix, and he wants a girlfriend, so we can not mix.

Painted with sadness

I am thinking about you and about breakfast in the morning and how I was always too high to eat it, and you made it for me.

And that kills me, because however much you and I hated each other at the very end, there was a time when you really loved me, or her, who you thought I truly was, thinking this part of me was addiction personified or something.

I really loved you once, in the way someone would love their best friend, because at one point you were my best friend too, and her boyfriend, and then you didn’t need a running buddy anymore, and wanted to be alone with her, and that is just not how it works, we are one person with two personalities.

I’m not.

You never are.

Not true.

Yeah, I just wanted to see how you would respond.

I don’t know how to respond to that.

I knew you wouldn’t, but I also don’t know how to respond now.

Mission accomplished?

Yeah… I guess so.

Something Something, I forget, In jest, Jesters who have bad memories

It’s all for you, Damien.

The Omen

I am allergic to cookies, which is really my way of saying I am allergic to feelings.

You have such pretty eyes

Oh, pretty flower.

I like woman’s hands, staring at them makes me happy, so happy that I forget where I am and dream about things that make me feel like I am somewhere else.

She makes cookies, that taste so sweet, she makes cookies, she is neat, she makes cookies, and I am not there, because I am an ***hole.

I am busy, I am outside, I am too busy, not trying to hide, I simply like to be outside, and find things that make me high.

I am about the past. I am about the past. **** it. I am about the past. I am writing this instead of getting high, because I love my family, so instead of getting high I decided to…………………write this insane… whatever you call it.. satirical roast of myself, do you like roast chicken, here is a roast of a chicken, written by a chicken, for a chicken, for me, it’s all for you, self.

I am the omen. I am the omen. I am the omen.

A hill of silence

I am small because I have a fear of weakness.

I am pathetic, but also narcissistic, and I made this so I am re-inserting this above, which you do not need to know, but I have schizophrenia, so I assume people are watching me type.

Not for you, but for me, because I am insane and stare at metal. I like heavy metal, which is why I like chains, because they are made of the same thing, and I also like putting my hands in chains because I like heavy metal,

I like pain, because I love to complain, which is why I stare at things that people don’t notice, I look at them closely while others talk, because people make me uncomfortable.

I am a prisoner in my own body, so I guess that is also why I like chains, because they represent me.

She tells me to go on a hike, so I go walk a long path, veering way far away from where she is, because, she is not that interesting anyway, being someone I just met.

Psycho path, psycho path, where art thou, psycho path?

I am right here, staring at a woman’s shoes, but you can’t see me, because I am a liar, and I am actually typing this on computer while thinking about drugs.

I love you so much, I took you golfing, because we both love golfing, and my friend lives across the street who also loves golfing, which means I must stop golfing and go talk to him about this pretty dragon, and how much we both love golfing.

I used to chase dragons, now I see them for what they are, just scars, that are on these two spots I like to stare at and think about how great it was, to almost die.

I painted you this color, because I am a narcissist who dropped their camera on the ground,

running around, chasing drugs around the country. I am very funny. I am very funny. Look at me, spending all of my money, not my money, other people’s money, that they gave me, while I held a sign, to be clear, I didn’t say what it was for, and stood there for 7 hours a day, so it was pretty clear what it was for.

The kettle is blacker than most, because I wanted it to be, so I made it be, and I made the rest of this purple, so the kettle look more black than it already was, and there is no pot in this, because I prefer hard drugs, because I am just that kind of ****.

I painted you gold, because I am lazy, and last edits are most appropriate for people who I didn’t know yet, and won’t ever, because no one like you hangs out with people like me.

Pretty sure you are actually awful, with your eyes, oh so thoughtful, staring at viewer with look of hatred.

Hey, ***hole, what if she is supposed to look sad, and you are just seeing it that way because

Because I don’t see clearly?

Exactly.

Burn me. Baby, sweet baby, you make me so ****ing crazy

I see two doors one red one black, I painted one red, instead of black, to the black door I can’t go back, this I know, because I have a complete

I am to be red

I am very small

I am red instead of black because the narrator is an ***hole.

Lack of ****ing self-control, my soul a burning rotting, wreaking hole, not whole, but hole instead, so sad, too bad, must turn around instead.

The door, the door, behind it lays, things from which I needn’t say, because you could guess what they are, and my heart, my heart,

Is black because I am ***hole, writing about drugs in the morning.

Dumpster Orange or Ground Orange

I am an orange, I am from Hell.

I am dark and dreary, and starting to smell.

Once I was orange, now I am not.

I am black now, and long ago started to rot.

I once was orange, now smell like decay, and in the garbage, I surely should stay.

Rile me up, I have had enough, I am sheparding myself to a path that is not talking out of my ***.

He was such a good boy, or so they thought, until they gave him the toy, not just any toy, but the best toy in the world, or what he thought was the best toy in the world.

Roy loved horses, of courses, of courses, anyone would love horses.

Ray loved to bite at its legs, so it had none, like most horses I know, say it ain’t so…. don’t you know? don’t you know? A horse with no legs is no good, so Roy simply thought, that he would bite them off, so he did without a thought, and off they came, and then the toy was lame, and Roy switched to a softer toy, shaped like a sandwich.

Isn’t she beautiful? Isn’t she great? She is so special… Actually, being sarcastic, I am really an ***hole, full of hate.

I am so useful, I was so wise, I built my whole life on telling sweet lies. I told them nothing, but what they wanted to hear, gave them whatever would keep them right here.

This is stupid I am bored.

A woman is painted in black and white, hunting she goes in darkness of night, she goes under a bridge in lateness of day, although she is told, sweety, honey, baby, with me you should stay.

She desires to search under the bridge which has nothing, but the dark lurkers who are there for ill, ill, search for pill, pill, pill, and for bread, bread, and for drugs, which is the reason she is under the bridge.

Done, done, done, I hate myself, blah, blah, blah, **** this.

I am small

I am weak

I can’t speak

I can’t speak

I am sorry.

I was just kidding, let’s not fight.

My writing is bigger than yours.

I am not you idiot, it’s alright, it’s alright.

Is it really? You’re not mad.

Of course, I am not, not even sad.

I like you really, truly, deeply.

Well, that went smoothly.

Did it really?

Huh?

Your lack of confidence is hilarious.

You sound like me.

I know it’s fun, now I see why you do it to me.

I don’t ****ing know, I am bored and lonely and really want some whiskey, but I can’t have any and I am really ****ing angry about it.

You can’t have it or you’re choosing not to have it?

Choosing

Then why are you mad?

Because I am an alcoholic, and I wish I could drink like a normal person.

There is no such thing as drinking like a normal person, because normal people don’t have to try to not be alcoholics, they are just not alcoholics.

I want to drink like a functional alcoholic.

There is so no such thing.

I think I could do it right this time.

Really?

No. I just wanted to see what you would say.

I would say you are talking to yourself about drinking on a computer screen because you have severe issues.

I don’t think they were talking about nightmares, idiot, that is why it says dreams not nightmares.

I live in a world of my creation, that is not subject to anyone’s dictation, I am not bothered by any situation because all you are lying and I am

ALWAYS RIGHT.

I know that my dreams which I have all day long every day all day, would never lie to me, because I never give upp on them, they are never ever to be given up, never in a

MILLION YEARS

Even if it brings me

TO MY KNEES

I would never give up on them, that is why I wrote it on my fridge with scrabble letters from a box I stole from a store while I was trying to find things to steal to buy things I didn’t need anyway.

Morning, Mourning, Morning In sane, I thank you for vacation.

I had a plan, it was a disaster and it failed, unfortunately building my whole life around maintaining and continuing drug and alcohol use was a bad plan… How I didn’t see this before is beyond me..

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

The voice of HELL screams loud out at night, existing in a universe of lack of light, delighting in perpetual fight, and contorting those who try with all their might, but can’t seem to gain clarity of sight because they exist in perpetual spite drawn to thoughts of deep contortion they are conflicted and resort to dwelling in the comfort of complete madness, because of course it is better than blank lackless lusterr for boring life or anger thriving on perpetual strive that is inflicted with their own hands but they can’t see they don’t know where they stand, so now that sit here and right this because they have no one nothing

Hey. Stop that.

I thought it was pretty cool.

I think it is self-deprecating verbal vomit.

I like throwing up on the screen.

Better than what you used to do.

Hey, that was mean, yeah I guess it is but now I look like hell.

I like the way you look.

Thank you, you too.

Hey, lovely, is this poision or alcohol or tie die liquid?

Don’t call me lovely, ***hole.

But, you are……..so………..

You are such a lunatic.

I know. 🙂

Happy faces?

I like happy faces.

What?

I am not saying that again. So is that tie die liquid or booze, or some sort of multi-color drink or some kind of strange poison?

Aren’t poison, tie die liquid and alcohol all the same thing to me and you?

You’re point being?

That exactly.

So you were putting it there to kill me?

I was putting it there so you would throw it out the window. I am not good at throwing it out the window, I was thinking about it, and this helped me. I am sorry it didn’t help you.

I don’t like being helped, so I am trying to make it seem like you are the bad guy, so I can turn the whole thing on its head and be the good guy and it’s not working, so I will stop because I don’t care anymore.

Hahahahahhahahah. Check mate.

hahahhahahhha yourself.

Yes?

Yes, what kind of response to laughing is yes?

I was assuming the laughing was addressed at me?

Well, that’s pathetic, you heard laughing so you thought I was laughing at you?

No, I heard laughing, so I thought you thought you did something that was funny, which I already know about, because I share you’re consciousness, ***hole.

Oh, well then, did you think it was funny?

Yeah, and I like how you feel like I kicked you in the face.

Good, because I don’t.

Self-pity is so becoming.

I know… isn’t it.

Not a question?

I know what you like.

I love you baby, you drive me crazy

So we are doing this again?

Yeah, we are. We best friends. I love you over, and over, and over again. Hahahahaha!

You know this is just ego stroking right?

I know it is, and it makes me feel better.

Everyone outside this screen likes us better as us not just me and not just you.

I think I did fine by myself.

I think you did better than me.

I know I did better than you.

***hole.

Jails, instutions, death, is where I am free from, and no longer kept.

What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

I am not good at following rules,

Never been, never will be, a forever fool.

Never had a taste for being instructed what response to give, with neigh saying being the only way I live, addicted to perpetual fighting condescention

A way to fight my own sown rejection, inherent in everything I do or say, so I feared my whole life that one day I would have to stay, in institutions, jail or grave,

So I made the decision to my soul save, and put to rest the decision to run from place to place, and now I can say I am finally in a place where I fear no jail, instution, or grave situation, no longer existing in idealized fixation,

Instead in freedom do I currently live, so anywhere any place I am free to live.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

• Living in my own place
• Running my own re-sale business
• Maintaining peaceful relations with my family
• Finding a place down at the shore in the state that I live in. 😀 Paranoia, is a wonderful thing….
• Maybe, with someone else, who is not a psycho like the last 5

I met you and you were the one I was interested in not your stupid friend who had all the items, you thought I wanted. I wanted none of that.

I initially followed you, and only you, and your very deliberate foward walking, and your confidence, wearing high heals in a snow storm, and scooping up almost dead homeless me off the side of the road in the middle of the night, so I didn’t appreciate it when you told me, you thought I wanted anything else from you other than your company.

You loved misery’s company, me needing you was comforting.

I was to you what I was to lots of those, a wounded bird who is only useful with broken legs.

So strange, the level to which some people are addicted to pain, myself included.

That is why I left, and when you chased me in the streets that night, running around looking for me, after telling me you didn’t want to mess things up with him, after he had tried to set things up with me, that is why I left, not some sort of strange running from anything else.

I was running from ruining your life, like I always ruin every woman’s life.

Just had a hilarious conversation about admitting weakness and being sick at work. It is funny to know how much of my belief system has roots (heh) in cultural heritage and in my beliefs which are highly rooted in Catholicism.

I am okay with it now though, my beliefs are my beliefs I guess.. and denying them has just caused me undue pain.

I am done with the root canal and have to get a crown put on my tooth, not that anyone needs to know this… mostly documenting this for myself anyway…

Peace.

Damien

I am dumb

Look at me

I am dumb

I can’t see

Just spilled soup all over my hands, so obviously that is everyone else’s fault not mine… hahahaahahah.

Guess who is still winning….

Resentment? Pride?

Jab. Ow. You got me. I was trying to talk to you anyway.

I am glad, I was having fun watching you burn yourself, and felt bad about it.

The color of the ground belongs on the ground

It is hard to see, if you need to change everything you touch, or is it?

It is simply different. I am recolor.

I am nothing.

This is about donkeys.

In the middle of the day, which you can’t see, because it is green, a donkey was outside already, eating food and drinking water, until someone opened the pen, and they journeyed out of the pen, fearing death by a sword.

In the woods there was a cat, that the donkey followed, walking quietly, so the cat could not hear it.

The cat heard it, and turned around and let the donkey follow it.

They went where cats and donkeys go.

I don’t know where that is.

I am an adult child

I think it is hilarious that every time she leaves, she asks me if I am going to flip the **** out and hallucinate some insane thing and ruin her life, while also simultaneously destroying my own. I am saying this now, because I realized it is actually funny, and not a reason for me to hate her or myself.

Are you afraid of the boogeyman, and will you be okay while I leave?

I am an adult, yes.

What about all the other times?

****

It’s my foot so I am begining to realize it tastes like nothing, because why would it taste like anything? I have OCD so I have very clean feet, because I am constantly cleaning them with my mouth or my head.

At least it is better than having my head up my ***. Silver linings, which is a lie, because I spent my life savings, retirement money 3128 dollars of it and 2000 dollars and panhandled thousands on drugs and alcohol.

Knee to the face.

ahahahahhahahhahhahahahahhahahahhahahhahhahahhahahahhahhahahahahhahhahahahahhaha

Daily writing prompt

How has technology changed your job?

View all responses

The internet thinks I have a job, that is great.

I have no job, internet.

But, if I did it would be this blog, and helping my friend sell her items, helping my family start a re-sale business, so…

I guess it gave me a job?

Employer-self

Enabled by the world wide web of

Uncrossing the webs of lies of a liar.

Thank you internet, I appreciate it.

I wake up, hearing a street sweeper, my head rested against the glass door of a convenience store, I have 30 minutes, to get my stuff out of here, before the cops come and tell me it is illegal to sleep outside, and then make me leave, which I was doing anyway, and they make it take longer.

It is extremely hard to roll a sleeping bag up with a police officer asking you why you can’t do it faster, and trying to explain how you are missing the tips of three fingers, while listening to him laugh about how

“Well maybe, you shouldn’t have done drugs then!”

I know that now, didn’t know that then…

This lady comes up and asks me what I am doing, she is making this harder.

She tells me I need to get a job. I am somewhere else in my head thinking about how I wish I was a turtle, so I say,

“Do you know how long turtles live?”

She thinks this is some sort of veiled threat, so now I have ten minutes to get out of here, before the it takes one and a half hours and a ticket to get out of here instead of 20 minutes.

**** me.

She was on a box of graham crackers, a new box, that came out I don’t know when, and I don’t want to know, ever.

Probably… never happened anyway, because it has already been established

I am

INSANE

A person with invalid

Opinion.

Lidded for the safety of all those who do not like to hear me.

I am sealed in toxic glass prison of constant self reflection, reflecting my poison, only at myself.

Caustic bitter alcoholic, encased in a bottle of alcohol, drowning like a elephant in the room, or a allusion to Dumbo,

Dumb ***.

Or just an addict thinking about things that will hurt me in the morning because **** me.

https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2023/03/25/weekend-writing-prompt-304-mail/

I turn on my computer, and open a word file, got mail from myself.

YOU SUCK, and I hope you die.

Schizophrenic email is awesome, so glad I opened it.

I have OCD, along with the other litany of problems I have already listed here, heh. I got my hair cut, which is awesome because I didn’t have to pay someone in drugs to shave it all off because homeless people can’t cut hair, and I wasn’t so itchy that this would seem like a necessary choice, so yay me for getting my haircut and getting a normal hair cut so I don’t have to shave my head again. That sucked, I think I mentioned the whole mohawk **** thing… but if I didn’t some ***hole shaved my head into a split in half mohawk, and told everyone to look for mohawk ****.

Short sweet, and very fun for mohawk ****. I got a lot of sympathy, and a lot of free items.. and they found out the wrath of mohawk ****. Then mohawk **** needed to leave, because there was a rumor that I had a twin and one of us was a girl and the other was a guy and the only difference was the voice… convenient… till they found out we were both the same person and it was me beating my ass not my twin brother or vice versa… very bad con…

I threw my phone in the river at around the same time because I thought someone tapped it looking for mohawk **** because tricking junkies is a high crime… and people really give a **** about that kind of thing…. or something I thought when I was way too high…

My dad is a really great person, we had a really good time, he was talking to me about his life, making me laugh, and we went to a really good restaurant and I told him I am done with drugs and booze the rest of my life. I also got to make plans with my uncle to see him at Christmas for the first time in ten years, and say I was sorry for being a lying ***hole.

All in all a successful day for mohawk ****, or me with a shorter hair cut that looks nothing like that at all.

Peace

Damien.

Explanation: Shocking, I am trusted to not have to leave, if there is no one here to watch me…

Now this…

Pond, not Stream of Chaos

I am a duck, apparently, because unknowingly

I have been teaching myself to be less

BANG EXPLODE

Like that, so now I can be alone, and not have people

Worry about me, which is

EXCELLENT

Because it also makes me trust me

_______________________________________________________________

I used to be constantly floating from place to place,

In a race with the human race to consume my tomb in the form of drugs and doom and alcohol which I would viciously consume, in doomed ferocious style, in front of all I know

sowing shame and guilt while also showing pain and guilt through vicious attack on self but also on others eyes, making people cry without knowing why because I am selfish. I am becoming not

I think… I guess.. don’t know…

_________________________________________________

I am a duck in a pond, that is just okay enough with me for now, to not drown

I am not going down

Because I don’t want to

Un-spun I am no longer undone.

I am glad to be trusted, un-dusted, still rusted, but dusting off.

I hate myself, I hate my voice, I sound like a **** when I say anything, condescending **** when I say anything, and can’t do anything normal

Like drink water. I just almost choked on an ice cube… ****.

I drink everything like alcohol still…. doing ****ing shots of water with ice in it. Like it is going to work faster if I drink it in five seconds. What the ****????

I do the same thing with everything, must make everything painful, like just take sips of water when you are thirsty dumb ***

https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/2023/03/09/oops-thursday-inspiration/

I got

I don’t know why I can’t say anything I really mean without being incredibly mean, I mean to say I do not know how to disagree and guess it shows because I either hide or kill and don’t like no’s or yes-es or opinions that differ from mine, and prone to silence or telling lies, and so I have been resigned all my life to sit and stew and not dare ever talk to any of you, because I fear my biting tongue, and ever present lack of resistance, utter insistence on being right and love of the act of fight. I am a jerk, a pain, a whiner a crier, a lover of war, of pain and fire. I am mean and I am ruthless, but my arguments you see are not with you, I do not hate anything you do.

They are with me, and what I lack, and my constant desire for attack and death smack. I do not know what to say, so usually I just go away, sit alone and drink or use, and my soul I sear with cold abuse, I am trying but I suck at this, I do not want to do this, and I miss things I never had because I live in fear and I can’t stop because I can’t drink beer or shoot up drugs, and it is not solved with getting hugs or sitting peacefully on rugs or talking to people you say will help me, they do not know the hell it is to be me

I am just simply without words, and I mean it when I tell you it really hurts living alone because you can’t do life, living in constant strife and being tempted to cut with knife, the very fabrics of your fragile life.

I am trying but I can’t right now seem to see what makes you so happy and so free, I am stuck to sit and to think that maybe if I cannot think of anything else, at least I know, I am trying, hope it shows.

I like being able to just sit here and talk to this page, without someone demanding my attention, my daughter sits in the same room, doing her own thing. That was the thing that always got to me about the women in my life, my thing became their thing, and they made it all about them, and then I didn’t even want to do it anymore, it became corrupted with resentment, turning it green and glowing with an aura of sickness, corrupting the image, seeping into its every pore, like a MRSA infection, taking over its form and making it a different thing.

I didn’t ever want to write a book with that ****. I wanted to right one by myself, and she wanted to help me, so she did this stupid thing on here, and I tried to ruin it, with sing song **** that was not even any good, that was mocking of how she talked to me, all rhyme based and stupid, like a nursery rhyme from hell, she is the voice of misery by the way…….. I don’t remember where the **** I was going with that, I got distracted by my daughter telling me a story about Looney Tunes.

Later

Damien

My mind would not shout danger! danger! I am a perpetual stranger, the friend of a sad deranged girl. I don’t care about danger because I am invisible, my sanity is unreal and my will indivisible, it can’t be overpowered because I am ruled by fire, I am the power of sheer desire. I am an addict done using setting enemies alight with the power of ignite with deathly fright.

I eat my enemies whole because I am gifted being with two souls, I am a liar, a thief, a villain and addicted to blood spillin’. You are mine because I tell you this, I aim to kill and never miss, I wouldn’t waste a good shot on anything, so I stop using to kill you with the same poison I have been using, not heroin no, but resentment you see… I realized recently I was addicted to the idea of killing me. I wanted to cease to be anything at all, I wanted to head death’s call, but now I have realized this, and will not fall, it is my sole mission to unplug the phone, you can’t call anyone you are disease forever alone, you can’t use a phone, without my voice, and see the thing is **** I have a choice. I don’t want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to kiss.

I am a being fueled by fire born desire, not yours but the eternal I the desire of pyre. I am the being who will take you down, you are now hearing the sound of resounding pound of the time of night when the lights turn on and the addicts you hunt no longer head death’s gong.

I am playing pong with you **** and you will lose, because I no longer live in a world, with no shoes. I am the desire to chose to say no, I am RESENTMENT’S DEATH NOW **** GO!!!!

Hey, that is mean..

I know, but I thought it would get you to talk to me.

Jerk. Fine, here.

I am fine.. I am fine. I am fine. Everything is just ******* peachy. I can’t even feel things anymore lest I resurrect demon. Everything is my ******* fault. I can’t have a genuine response. I am not allowed to.

Geez. You can, just think of the effect on the other people.

I am. That is all I am thinking about right now, I am just going to not do anything, anymore. I am the… I sound like such..

Yeah, I know.

Thanks, I need that.

I know.

I am man with knife that spreads jam on toast instead of man who jams in head the killing knife that was made for bread.

I am man who does not stab but cuts apart, an apple instead of human heart, I have realized with my eyes that see, coming out of insanity, that I do not have to be Amanda I can be free. I am released from human cage, a player now not just on page, I do not have to employ rage, I can instead say this I desire human bliss, I can give love, I can give kiss. I am not supposed to be anything but free to be me. I should have known this from the start but drugs and booze they sedated heart, so I used my name as excuse to die, a perpetual never ending cry out for

MORE MORE MORE

Make yourself a living sore on the heart of yours so that you can be, so safely chained to me, addiction, you see is my maker, my taker, my soul breaker.

I love you so, baby please don’t go. I need you so… I need you please, I am kneeling on bent KNEES
GET ON YOUR KNEES HONEY
MONEY MONEY MONEY
CASH CASH CASH PLEASE

I GET PAID WITH SOUL DISSECTION
I GET PAID WITH VIVISECTION
I BELIEVE IN RESURRECTION

Can it happen for me to, help me God, can you teach me to be more like you instead of Mary? I am sad and this is scary, common God please my soul fix?

It is already I told you this, this is Damien you fool, it’s you. You can do whatever you want to.

So I officially didn’t kill the **** after being given permission to. I thought about it. I really did, actually, not that I need to tell you that.. I wrote about it on here, so obviously I thought about it. I didn’t kill him for a strange reason. I like the way he avoids eye contact with me now. It is fun. I think I might be able to make the little **** walk into a car just by looking at him. Then I didn’t officially kill the poor *******. Or, I get to torment a **** the rest of my life, in the name of defending my daughter, I am hoping for the latter, because it sounds fun.

I am just going to act like I don’t know the guy now and stand behind him awkwardly sometimes to make him look like the writhing worm he is, so no more women will be messed with the way he messed with my daughter.

I figure if he doesn’t kill himself, I have fun bored game to play the rest of my life.

This is psychotic I know, but progress… maybe.

At least I don’t have to clean blood out from under my finger nails for hours. I can smell that right now. That is the only time it grosses me out.

With love,

Damien

Strong antibiotics are intense, man.

Ow… I feel like I am going to keel over in a ball of vomiting bile.

This really *****.

It is my fault though, and I get that, someone in one of the rooms yesterday told me this is common while getting used to recovery, that I am feeling this as intensely as a sort of latent effect withdrawal. I am told this is because every time I was sick before I wouldn’t deal with it, shoving it under a rug, like a cat hiding vomit trails so its owner doesn’t get mad, except I am the cat and the owner and I was only fooling myself. I am in the process of cleaning up my vomit stench house of existence that is the shell casing of my human body.

This is tough because I hate my human body. It doesn’t like me either, but it is being learned that killing myself or my friend is bad, because death is final and neither of us want that..

Damien/Amanda

Or maybe I made the whole **** thing up to ruin my day. It is not on the wall anymore, and my family thinks I am a lunatic now… so I think that’s just another day I guess. Meh. It is embarrassing to be me. At least I made it through the day without hurting myself or others… woo. Small steps in the progress of a small minded man with his head buried in a perpetual garbage can…….. nope…… not doing it. I am too tired for insane rhyming.

I had this sample of this chocolate cereal earlier. It makes very good ice-cream topping. The ice cream also makes good cereal side kick. Kick cereal’s *** sugar! Woo! I am tired, my arms hurt from the infection under my arm I got from my knee spread there. It is healing but hurts like ****. It hurts more because of psychotically scrubbing a non-existent stain off a wall…. brought to you by side effects of years of meth use… don’t do drugs. This sucks. I am like a walking anti-drug commercial. Wanna be like Damien? Damien doesn’t even want to be like Damien anymore and he is in love with himself………meh….meh…..this sucks. I don’t even feel bad for me anymore and I am in love with myself. I am never getting high again. I am done embarrassing myself now.

Later

some jerk who ruined his body.

I just did nothing and she forgave me, it took like what not even an hour?

Sweet.

I like how not trying to talk myself out of things works so much better than trying to lie my way through life. It is insane how much of the chaos in my own life I think I caused myself, I am such a *&^$.

I am starting to feel better, physically which is great. That means I can actually start doing stuff other than sitting here..

I stole flowers from one of the other motel’s and gave them to Rei too, and told her I stole them, so she got mad for a second until I told her it was so I could tell her the truth about doing something bad. Now I just can’t go back near that place.

Worth it.

Here’s to Simple Rewards.

Yours

Damien

You there? How you feeling, I feel like trash.

Hey, Damien, still from the pills? Or something else?

Pills, depressed again, I am having one of those days that I just miss being out there like we used getting messed up. I am having a hard time with the whole responsible thing. There is all this depressing quiet time that I think most other adults enjoy, and I end up thinking about how I want find some new drug I don’t loathe and ruin my life slowly by trying to do it in moderation.

I wonder how long that would take, like if it was a new drug or something how many years would you get before you realized it sucked?

I think since it’s new it blow, not suck.

Weirdo.

You’re doing okay, I hope this still works.

It does, I can still hear you. I am going through the same apology process as you here.

What did you do? I thought you were doing better than me.

I threw a rock through the window of this car, I had to pay the guy to not saying anything.

Was he cool about it otherwise?

Yeah. He said he could pay his friend to fix it.

I think he only was cool about it because I was honest. Weird huh?

Yeah, it’s strange, sometimes I wonder how many lies I told for no reason, and how many times I got busted and could have saved myself by just being honest.

I like you. You are getting there. You’re sort of on the same page now.

Kinda.

Like strange deja vu.

Hey I made this for you. To show you I am not just an illusion of the men who hurt you. I just sound like them sometimes, because I am dumb.

Deja u

vu with the virtue removed right, Damien?

Place keeping, again? You like me so much you want to be me, that is every imaginary friends dream.

No, that is the backstory of everyone else’s imaginary friend only schizophrenics have imaginary friends who want to kill them.

I don’t want to kill you. I like you. I always have.

Yuck.

I don’t mean it like that, I like you because you make me like myself enough to become a real person instead of a lying jerk, who lurks in the chaos of invisibility.

That was very thoughtful, but also very arrogant sounding.

That’s the best way to say things, just the right touch on condescending, 50’s style because I am classy, baby.

You are disgusting.

I live in your head.

Not anymore, and now that just sounds like you are still crazy. Be a good person and do the right thing.

I am, I am helping you save your own life.

Thanks.

I was convinced for a second that someone was watching my house, because it felt like there was someone watching my house.

Was it you?

Yes.

I woke up from a compulsion to check to see if someone was going to attack my family the middle of the night. This is Amanda by the way, and I am saying that to myself more than anything so I don’t bounce in and out of multi-dimensional con·scious·ness.

Hey, Amanda did you think it was funny, how that was defined as

the state of being awake and aware of one’s surroundings

the awareness or perception of something by a person.

the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world. (dictionary.com)

Is it just me and my insanity or does that definition not seem right? Or am I looking for a philosophical definition not available on dictionary.com

I am bored. Moving on.

Now, Amanda is starting to sound like me. So we are going to start using names as place holders so she can keep track of her own thoughts.

That sounds like a good idea, a$%^&*%.

That is not my name.

I am not saying your name.

One of us.

Okay, Damien. One of us.

I think your mom likes me better than you.

I think my mom knows I am you. So how’s you’re life?

No disdain that time, wow. Less of an %^$%*&^. I fell asleep on the ground in front of the computer, and then woke up and went into the room with Rei and she told me to come check on you and now we are here.

She told you to talk to me, sweet she doesn’t resent me anymore.

I know isn’t it great. Now I don’t have to lie about who I am talking to on the internet.

You never had to lie about who you were talking to on the internet.

Not everyone does it Amanda style, Meh meh.. this is my house and you can get out if you don’t like it. You know Kim doesn’t talk to her because you kicked her out on New Years Eve and she had to sleep in Ryan’s car.

Better, then sleeping in my house, Damien.

Was it?

I would have drank all night and yelled at her.

Isn’t that what you did anyway?

Yeah, but when she was in Ryan’s car at least the cops came and threatened to drunk tank me and I had to stop.

You are such an &**)$%^.

Thanks.

Why?

Because I think it is bad for my daughter’s self-esteem.

True. What about your self-esteem?

Are you seriously asking if my self esteem is completely image based? I am good at lots of things.

So I guess your self-esteem is good.

I hold myself in very high esteem.

You must have very strong arms.

Why?

To hold yourself all the time.

Screw you.

I was talking about your ego.

I known and still screw you. I am trying…

Anything cool happen today?

I talked online to a jerk and my daughter made some cool paintings, and I didn’t kill my neighbor, even though he has it coming and better watch out because I am going to throw that garbage can through his car window.

Is this the same guy?

I have no idea.

What did this one do?

Look at me wrong at 5 am. I didn’t like his weird eye contact. He seemed like he knew something he shouldn’t know.

Like what?

Like that I am squatting in a motel and am not named Amanda, because it’s your credit card I am using.

So that is why my credit is ruined…,

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

It was your money, not mine and you let me.

I am trying not to type the word I starting now. Go.

&*^&

This will take awhile, which doesn’t matter. Click me

The above link is funnier.

How do you fry chicken without a fryer?

You shoot them in the eye on the forth of july

where by and by they will surely fry by

the power of light cast in sight of fireworks so bright

they light up the night

With chicken delight.

I bet the fireworks makes the chicken taste terribly- paraphrase, Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka.

Or Willy Wonka a rewrite about vegetarianism.

The quote doesn’t count because it’s a quote.

Failure. Didn’t even realize that till just now.

Screw it.

I used a steak knife to cut up pound cake into little pieces

and left it on the table which is stupid because

Now it is on the table

Taunting me

to use it to slash the tires of garbage can $^&*$%

Why would you use a steak knife to cut up pound cake?

To show it whose boss

It’s pound cake, made by a person, it doesn’t have a boss, and if it did it wouldn’t be you.

It is now.

You can’t be the boss of something you killed.

Watch me, I did it to you.

I’m not dead.

The part of you that resents themselves is.

So you were drinking while hiding in the bathroom?

Not that time.

So you were drinking with the tall blonde guy.

Yeah, but I was really

Drinking with me, which is drinking alone

But, it was fun.

Not for that bitch you knocked over because you were pissed about hearing her voice.

She was annoying

You were just pissed she didn’t like girls.

She didn’t like you either

Because I am you, stupid.

You’re stupid.

We’re both stupid, because we are the same person.