Your hand is caught by lack of light

You sit in an empty room, friends have gone, you linger on, wishing for those with your desire for a party dead, you turn your head to the corner of the perpetual lurkers, the pained smirkers, reality deserters, wondering were we go so late, how great a party that never ends, we could be your best friends, we party till we are dead. You think this is funny, because you don’t realize I am serious, and that is not fun, but mere compulsion.

We are those who lurk below, where time goes fast and go slow.

We are those who can’t say no, and slowly it has begun to show.

If you want you can come to Hell, where we the consumers always dwell, it is not advised, and you would do well, to leave us where we rot…

We are no longer at a party, baby, we are merely ****ing crazy,

I am pour, pour, poor

I am more, more, more

Such a chore

I am sure

and a bore to maintain

This level of perpetual

Disdain

we drink till we fall down, we get up and continue to crawl the ground, we stand with powder dust, we have lost all ability to trust our senses, we exist in chaotic hell, under poison spell, we eat our souls through bitter consumption of acid bile.

I smile with the power of intoxication and fixation on meditation on the idea of eventual death. I am the quest for lie die fry. I am a funny lie.

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I used to hate you, standing over here, seeing you as potential cash.

I am the ever bounced check on my own soul.

No longer bouncing, just burned and tossed in the trash.

I am in debt to you, for having fed someone with hand-outs.

The light is blinding, but maybe it will get less so if I stop walking in the dark.

I look at you, and you seem so peaceful, glittering with love for one another, in a way I have never had love for anyone or anything.

Your laughs and voices telling stories of times shared, not taken.

Glances shared paint your lives with love and joy, which I don’t understand, not yet, being a glance stealer, not a glance giver.

I am not good at seeing anything, but at looking and casting doubt and disdain, and living in pain, an excuse for cowardly escape.

I am seeing you now, and realizing you always have been stronger than I ever was, because you need eachother, which means you can depend on eachother.

You look to eachother for strength instead of finding strength in sticks and stones.

I saw you like this,

Although you did not know it.

You made me feel everything and then

Nothing, for 15 years, I loved everything you

Were, you are, and you burned holes through my

Soul, so deep that I forgot that I even knew you,

I loved you, and I never told you that, because I was afraid.

I obviously love doing this to myself? Can’t you see? It is so comfortable and has nothing to do with how anyone else treats me, because you know I am not a real human being with feelings, just a headless chicken waiting for surgery… or insertion of ideas into my head… same thing…

I need to live alone, the results of this oscillation are dizzying. I am not, nor have I ever been good at the whole living with people thing, it goes well at first and then they realize what I am like and try to HELP, or cure parnoid schizophrenia through polite suggestion of normal adaption strategies and ways to fit in.

I am sorry, I hallucinate, and am never sure how much of my reality is real. I do things that upset and scare people like

singing to myself

talking about innappropriate things because I do not know the difference between appropriate and inapproriate

not knowing the difference between emotional honesty and aggression

talking all the time, under my breath to myself, at myself, with myself

So now I because I live hear, and people couldn’t leave me alone, I get to feel uncomfortable for asking to be left alone, and not being left alone, and snapping.

I am accountable yes, it is my fault for snapping yes, but I just wish I knew when I was going to figure out a way out of this situation so I could do what is best for everyone and get out of here.

saying whatever comes into my head instantly because I no longer have an inner monologue

I need to get out of here, and to a place, by myself, before I lose my mind permanently.

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and I am not sure, how much of the physical pain I am in is even real anymore. I don’t know if I am just pacing, consumed with hallucinations and trying to meditate on something physical. I used to squeeze my hands till they would bleed, physically digging my nails into my own hands, until I dug holes into my skin. I wonder if this is like that. I wonder how much of this is because I am trying to distract myself from the things that make it so hard for me to be normal.

I wish I knew what it felt like to be normal. I am always thinking of running away, running back outside, I hate it out there.. but I have never known anything different. I have always been running to something, but when I get there.. I leave.. I just can’t stay still. I don’t know what it means to stay still. The idea of still terrifies me.

I wish I could stay still. People like still. They don’t like this, they want to help this, but I am not sure they can. I am not sure about anything. I am just hoping that something will change this time. I am hoping I can find peace somewhere and not hate it. I am so tired of hating happiness. I am so tired of searching for something, finding it and then not wanting it.

I want to want something, but I have no idea what that even means. I am so tired. I am so sick of this. I just want something to work this time, so I can finally be okay with idea of things being okay, I am so tired of ruining my life.

I don’t want the drugs or the booze anymore, and I don’t have any other way of ruining my life, which scares me, which is crazy.. I am scared by the possibility that I may be forced to be happy.. like happy is a bad thing.. I know how insane that is, but still I feel that, and it is the strangest thing.

I recognize the insanity of it, and yet, I still feel the desire to ruin my life, even though I don’t want to.

I am so thankful that at least I really don’t have it in me to do any drugs or drink again, I don’t think my body can handle it anymore. I am so tired… and my hands feel like they are on fire, my stomach is rotted away because of drinking.. I am so done.. I am just hoping that I will learn to know peace at night.

Daily writing prompt

What do you wish you could do more every day?

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Unfortunately I ruined it, so for now I am stuck with this, and I think I am supposed to learn to release control

‘I hate my life sometimes, because I just want some semblance of control over something, not everything, just something. I feel like I have been in a situation, my whole life… where I am fighting to control everything because I control nothing. I get that I am supposed to stop doing this, and I am trying, but it is like being in a rigged chess game, or that is what it feels like.

How am I supposed to be okay with losing, if I know the game is rigged to begin with?

I know this all just addict thinking, resentment based, my life is harder.. that’s why I got high… got drunk… but my life was the reason I got high or drunk…… I am still in the same horrible positions I have been fighting all my life to escape, just lesser versions of them. I don’t get sometimes what the point of all this is, I guess? How am I supposed to trust something that I don’t understand enough to trust?

I guess I want to change the answer of this post,

I wish I could trust in a higher power more every day.

“Man is the vainest of all creatures that have their being upon earth.”

Homer, The odyssey

I used to live in the woods, really I did. I spent an entire 8 months in the Oregon dunes, somewhere and everywhere in Oregon. I lived there and survived by clamming, and panhandling for food money, and don’t feel bad for me, I made 200 dollars a day, so very promptly after getting there, I developed a nasty attraction to bitter rocks that ate a hole through my hands and my soul.

They chased me to California. I walked there, I think I mentioned that before, high as a kite, I flew on the feet of the dragon, and the wings of fallen dreams to the state of California, with an angel of mercy sent to me whose name ironically was Chris, he sang like a bird the entire way. He was a beautiful singer. My arrogance and pride caused me to walk away, literally from one of the kindest human beings I have ever met in my life, without even saying goodbye. He screamed after me, and I ran, fleeing kindness for California, where I would meet what I was running to, an empire of pain on the sullied streets, I thought I desired so much. I am sorry Chris, you were kind to me, and I should have at least said goodbye.

I borrowed time, I know this now, I experienced more of it than most people. I did not realize at the time that I was not borrowing it… well not exactly, I was being lent extra time by something that deals in a currency of spare change. I was being lent time in exchange for something, a deal made with something beyond my understanding, that knew me better than I knew myself, than I know myself now. This force knows everyone. It understands everything, and you can make deals with it, without knowing even. You can make deadly bargains that you don’t know the nature of that are not dealt to you with good or bad intention, simply intention itself, raw intention, raw will, there are forces in this universe, propelled in a direction of will, of will to be as they are supposed to, and if you fight those forces, you will experience, pain.

It is this pain which I fight to reverse now. I have realized recently that the assertion of deadly force of dominance is the opposite of what the universe desires. I have been made aware by the pulling in directions, that there is a force which punishes the assertion of will over the forces of a balanced system. This is all that I know right now.

See Clearly

I am a lightning bug, I am the darkness’s hug, love that glows in the darkest of night. I am the universe dancing with light. I exist for you and for them, and for myself. I am love on a shelf that is invisible, indivisible and divided in physical form, manifesting in light for the eyes of the scorned and forlorn. I come to people because they can see me, not coming at all, just being very loudly in a presence that can be seen by the eye.

I exist because I exist, not for you, just as this. I say things because I say them, and you hear them because you hear them, you happen to be here at the time I say them, casting them into the dark night, for no one, but also for me and if by chance they are seen by you and they help you then I have been a lantern, which is not my intention, because I desire to only be me, screaming in reflected light, because I am only a lightning bug, a light in the night, that is present because it is, I am not guidance, and if guidance is found, it is found by accident, and by something that speaks through you to you and is reflected on me, and that is okay with me, stay bright, oh night, with love from light.

“I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.” “They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods,””I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.” “They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods,”

Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome

My family is helping me with moving it back here, and I am going to use it to organize my life, I read a lot and there are all these books all over the room that make it look cluttered, and are an annoyance to my family. I am trying to be less selfish, and self-centered. I am realizing that while taking accountability for things is good, I have been going about it in a flawed way, which is similar to not doing it at all. I have not been letting myself move past it, and have been dwelling on everything in my traditional woe is me stupid narcissistic way of looking at the world, done. I am sick of myself, and want to move, so I am doing it now.

There are so many cool books in that room that have been left over from our families leaving them after moving. I have plenty do now, so I think it will be easier than ever to stop whining about how crappy I feel and do things to make me feel better.

Later,

Damien.

De-fence less, I am to you, you walked by me, and touched my spine, and instead of the normal desire to rip yours out, I am overcome with electricity, I love you intensely, and I am not scared anymore about it, I feel overcome by quiet for the time being.

Being is wonderful for this moment, for this second, I am entranced with the dance that goes on with the corner of your eyes, fixating for once, on meditation to not look to closely, because I am so afraid of myself, I am so pliable, I am putty you or gum on your shoe, and you leave me there,

liking the sticky feeling as you walk and I wonder why, you beautiful creature, want this, tragic display of projected insanity anywhere near you, I deserve nothing and you give me everything, and I love you with every fiber of my being for that, you are changing me Rei, making me realize it is not weak for me to love you.

You give me legs to stand again, and I don’t think I will forget that ever again.

Please bare with me, I love you so much, I will change, I promise. I am working on it. I will do whatever I can to make everything better, I am so sorry for everything I put you through, I was selfish and cruel and I love you so much, please stay with me.

Damien

PS. Even if I lose my mind temporarily, I mean this with my whole heart that is just starting to realize how much I love you. You are a beautiful human being and you have made me believe in something higher than I could ever be, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am walking through the woods, and I can’t see you or tell, if you are with me or in Hell. I do not speak of the religious place, but where you go when you lack face, without a trace you disappear, eaten is your soul with fear, and I long for you and hope and pray that you do not there always stay. I think I have caught a strange infection, it lies in me without ability to present infection, it is instead disease of mind, and I am guessing this because now I rhyme.

I speak to thee not out of want, but mere desire for fire, and to taunt. I am the act of the never-ending. I come in cover of the night, and when you don’t have candle bright. I am an infection of your soul, a dark all eating consuming troll that seeks to taunt and bring your pain. Now you are among us. Human stain.

I don’t know why I typed that. I am scared. This is Rei and that has never happened to me before. I think it can talk at me now too.

Rei.

Have you ever felt like you were being suffocated by someone holding onto your fucking neck, literally squeezing the life out of your body, but telling you that they are just hugging you, just keeping you perfectly still so you can’t fucking move. I am so goddamn sick of it. Well I was. Rei is finally gone. Thank everything that is in existence that she is gone. I do not know where she went. I do not care. I do not have any desire to find out, but I can finally breathe again and this is now my site. I am going to gradually put it back into one piece. I hated the whole mocking we are one person bullshit. Her entire bullshit thing was an act to get drugs. I do not need drugs. I am drugs.

I am standing with him, underneath a net, and I am overjoyed to be not in motion. I wish I could live under this with him.

I think of weird things. I am starting to feel differently about everything. I like our life, as unconventional as it is, and I think there is a certain kindness in what we do, releasing the writhing souls from the damned treks of life they populate. They exist in a state of misery and do not know it. Their grabbing hands, desire only the things we possess, the sweet poison that is the populating force surging through my thread like veins. I envy them sometimes, but then, I don’t. I look up at the moon, that is his face, it’s ghastly glow that haunts my every footstep.

“Rei, let’s go,” He whispers, and touches my cheek. His hand is cold. I kiss his hand and he pulls his fingers away quickly.

“Don’t. They are dirty. I….” He stops in mid-sentence.
“What?”

“Run. Now.”

We run down a hill and find a tunnel, which we begin to walk towards, it is dark, and I am scared. I grab his hand, and he squeezes mine, not releasing it. I do not know what or who we are running from, but for the first time in a long time. I am afraid.