My head, my head, my head was entranced with ideas of being dead, with words that were once said, with notions that should have long ago been put to bed, with the idea of being dead, with tragic dances of being lead to places that would make me

GONE

I am yellow, I am tarnished with varnish, I am garnished with lessons learned through pain, but not in vain, not in vein, no longer living in vain, no longer partnered with disdain

I am addict brain, no longer in chains, no longer addicted to disdain, learning to refrain from living in pain, with focus on the idea of retrain.

I love you, baby

Do you really?

Yes, clearly, sweetie.

I meditate now

ON

DIFFERENT

THOUGHTS

Or different things, like the idea of wings, and things that have them.

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I don’t ****ing know, I am bored and lonely and really want some whiskey, but I can’t have any and I am really ****ing angry about it.

You can’t have it or you’re choosing not to have it?

Choosing

Then why are you mad?

Because I am an alcoholic, and I wish I could drink like a normal person.

There is no such thing as drinking like a normal person, because normal people don’t have to try to not be alcoholics, they are just not alcoholics.

I want to drink like a functional alcoholic.

There is so no such thing.

I think I could do it right this time.

Really?

No. I just wanted to see what you would say.

I would say you are talking to yourself about drinking on a computer screen because you have severe issues.

I got up early with you, my friend, the one who I was always fighting against, I realize now I was fighting me, engaged in constant battle of insanity, fighting light to see in dark, fighting vision on quest of mark, I fight you but in so doing, poision applies to skin, and reason spewing out of my mouth and from my head, wishing for life, but fighting the dead.

Questing for sun, but lurking in dark, I am the eternal question mark.

I fight truth, because I can’t look in the mirror

I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, well.

This is about powerlessness, your favorite thing, and water is cleansing.

OoO Look at you, show off.

OoO Look at you show off.

That is mature.

Says the most mature person in the world.

I enjoyed the Easter thing, did you?

I wasn’t there, you were.

Yeah, you were. You were just uncomfortable.

I can tell you are glad you won, stop rubbing my nose in it.

Stop thinking about putting things up your nose then.

Her name was Robert Paulson.

Just cursed at my vape and saw a shadow walk across the room, not sure if this is a hallucination or if there really is a ghost in my basement, but will try not to curse at vape again.

I am in a fight with myself, every minute, every second, every hour of every day, of how do I be me, who is that even.

Not a question, because I am afraid to ask it.

Now it is a question…

Who am I even????

What kind of person casts their mother as their psychotic ex-girlfriend………. Diane, Diane, you are so different than I thought,

Diane, Diane, Diane,

Why did I paint you so?

I don’t know?

French fries are delicious.

Yeah dufus. I am just in charge now, because you can’t keep doing this to yourself.

I get it, thank you. I am glad you won.

I am glad you won too.

Why do you say it like that?

I didn’t win, this is what you wanted remember?

Well, yeah. It is what I wanted.

Then why is it that I won?

I like cop-outs.

I noticed, I am used to being the bad guy.

You do it so well.

So do you. 😛

Apparently, and I knew this, but I did not know how bad it was. My memories have become so disjointed from the reality that is experienced by other people, they are no longer trustworthy enough to be considered anything more than a continuous dream state, and I do not know if this is fixable…. I am assuming that it might get better with time, but I am not sure, and I am not sure I care at this point.

I do not know if I should care, or if it is better to just accept the fact that I am untrustworthy narrator of my own life, and that everything I believe is suspect.

I think I am alright enough with that, it is what it is, and I think it is better for it just to be accepted that way, then to try to fight for dominance with a universe, that I no longer exist in or see eye to eye with.

I wonder, and this is the reason for this post, if there is any validity to my reality at all? I wonder if my reality or the reality of the insane exists alongside the reality of most, and if we just notice different things, because that would be a lot nicer, than to think that my whole conception of the world is fictitious.

I am okay with either one, I guess.. because I have to be.

Oh, well. Life goes on.

https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2023/04/01/weekend-writing-prompt-305-unrepentant/

She is crying, loudly, and annoyingly. I am tired of this ****. She keeps chanting almost, like an incantation,

Unrepentant Addict

like saying this will have any effect on me whatsoever… God has no patience for unrepentant addicts. I know this, my life has not been a life riddled with anything but pain, but I will stay the course. I will not let you beat me, you will leave first, that’s assured.

I said kill me baby, would you please? I am on my freakin’ knees, begging honey would you dare, let me touch your pretty hair? I love you baby, don’t you know, do you really have to go? I want you badly, miss you greatly, have been thinking of you lately, so I say honey please answer me, I miss you so, won’t you please, please, please,

PICK UP THE PHONE

Don’t leave me here alone, I am sorry, I was drunk, I didn’t know what I thunk, I don’t know what I said, I was silly, soul so dead, please call me back back back

My soul I attack attack attack, tell me what I said, to make your eyes, oh so read, please please please.

I will stop drinking **** it. I swear I am done. This isn’t fun anymore.

https://bluebonnetprompts.wordpress.com/2022/08/21/177/#jp-carousel-180

I am standing at the window, staring outside, and I see something strange.

I am drawn to it, and do not know why. It is a light in the distance, a blue light.

The light flickers on and off, in a strange pattern. It flickers three times, and seems to change when I stare at it.

I stare at it.

It switches on and of three times, separated my 30 seconds each time. This has been going on all night, I noticed it when I got up to go see what my cat was doing, he made a noise and stood by the door, and appeared to be transfixed by this light as well. We stood staring at it, sometimes I think my cat can hear what I think… I looked down at him to see what he thought. He looked back at me, making eye contact with me, three times. We would look at the light, watch it do its thing, and then make eye contact, until the whole thing had happened nine times.

I asked my cat what he thought about it, and he replied, it is taunts me.

I thought back to him, and he replied audibly this time. Taunt. It is taunting me. I am not sure whether he thought this because he was a cat, or because the light itself is taunting us. It stopped about 15 minutes ago. I don’t know if any of this was real.

Today is going to be strange.

GET OUT. NSFW.

https://wordpress.com/tag/dailyprompt-1837

I would rather cut out both my eyes, so I can’t see to organize than I would do what you say with my stuff, I’ll throw it out, now go away.

I rather do that than hear your voice, telling me where to put it, like it it’s your choice. I do not need your help. I do not care, what you say about where to put what away.

It’s a mess, and I don’t care, what you say, and will not put that there. I don’t want advice, just to be left alone, give me back my stupid old phone. It has stuff on it that like, and yes it works, and I know I have two, but I do not want to deal with you, so get out now, go away.

It’s a mess because I am too, and I don’t want to deal with you, and will not listen to what you say, so throw it out and go, scram, stray.

all sensations leading down to the sensation of life down drain, extension of pain, after dedication of life spent in vein, I mean in vain…….

I had my own death planned out since I was, I don’t know 14. A clever escape from a life of running a race into nothing, a condolence for a life spent on nothing but purchasing pain… in vain, in vein.

I am heroic.

Heroine, heroine, where art there heroine?

I like to drop the e’s sometimes.

X is one hell of a drug.

Trigger. Trigger. Trigger.

This is fun.

TOXIC TOXIC
WORD VOMIT
ACID BILE
Okay, I am done.

https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2023/03/25/weekend-writing-prompt-304-mail/

I turn on my computer, and open a word file, got mail from myself.

YOU SUCK, and I hope you die.

Schizophrenic email is awesome, so glad I opened it.

https://www.aagrapevine.org/sobriety-calculator

This is really important me now, because I have realized I like all of the people I am talking to on here, and what an *** I was before doing all of this so I am going to periodically post this on here, to keep myself in check, because who knew…. people before me knew things about how to do this…. I am such an…….. ***

I am really starting to enjoy life now, which is awesome. I never thought I would enjoy anything as much as being ****ed up beyond recognition.

Thank you to all of the people who have kept me going.

Damien

Daily writing prompt

What is one word that describes you?

View all responses

I am sorry for the exposure to my… insanity. I am just being honest, and thank you for accepting me, it means the world. I am grateful. That is the word that describes me, a description of how I feel, not what I have wrong with me. I am so thankful.

Daily writing prompt

What is one word that describes you?

View all responses

I am your brain on drain, on chaos reign

On meditate on pain

On mind gone in sane

An dilation of an inpatient who is not patient because I am a lunatic who used to use drugs to silence my thoughts and now I live in perpetual CHAOS

Are you having a bad day?

No, actually… GET AWAY

I am just the experience of chaos thought, I am having a continuous experience of this over and over and over.

One word that describes me

INSANE

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/19271780/posts/4613911340

I decided to leave a party that a random stranger must have decided to organize to celebrate the Spring Equinox. I was not acquainted with any of the parties occupants as I had not been invited, so my leaving was of no consequence to any of the participants in the costume party. I had a hooded jacket on that had been long enough to pretend I was dressed appropriately enough to pretend that I was invited and came as some sort of modern hooded reaper, which was appropriate given the reason for my leaving.

I had become nervous while talking to a women who was dressed as a woodpecker, she was laughing in this hectic desperate way, and it was maddening, her jaw chattering and I kept thinking of the sound of a woodpeckers beak on wood, and thinking about how different her head would sound if I slammed it over and over into the tree branch that was so bright and illuminated by the light of the moon. Rather than then prolong the uncomfortable death meditation, I took the rest of my pitcher of stolen booze and walked off with preference to animate the already dead corpses in my squat house.

Who knew real friends are better than imaginary ones? Sometimes it feels like everyone except me knew. I am so psyched I actually have friends now, and they give a **** about me not just because I am providing them some sort of business deal or exchanging some kind of favor for something they have, they are people I can be open and honest with and they are open and honest with me, and actually ****ing like me. I am so psyched. Every day that goes by the amount of people I am connecting with is growing, and I forget that when I am alone for a couple of days, and send myself ping ponging backwards into a land of pain that is not real anymore. I had a friend of mine tell me recently to move on.

I think that is major. I think a lot of what I have been ranting about on here, all the past resentments, were what was killing me. I think the problem was, I thought I was supposed to beat myself up to heal, and I am finding out through the wisdom of others, now that I am being honest that I am not so different from those around me, and it was my own arrogance that was so fatal, not the decisions that I had made. The fact that I was not willing to accept help was what was killing me, not what I had done in the past.

Damien/Amanda

https://wordpress.com/tag/dailyprompt-1841

“From Me”

I can’t even see, I am so exhausted from making myself cry, clawing and scratching, and scrapping, and ripping and tearing at my own eyes, fighting to make it impossible to use them, so I can never see this again, myself through someone else, who ripped me so far away from myself, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I am a cat who cannot see the cat in the mirror is them. I jump at the mirror, slamming with full impact into the glass, a marriage of breaking, a marriage of crashing, a marriage of skin meet sharp object, so very much like my tragic love affair with things heroic, but not, because they hide in human skin, and only bring death and pain and loss and women who used me like a severing knife, and then turned the knife on me.

I have become her outer monologue manifest in my mind, manifesting in man of festering infected soul. I am so stupid, I am doing this to myself, and I can’t bring myself to stop doing it because that means I am alone, and I don’t know if it is worse to talk to demonic ghosts or be alone.

Looking for my dog, because the ****ing pigs raided my house, because they do care ever so much, now that we had our friends over and they made tragic mistakes, like Elvis, in a room they were only allowed in so they didn’t use my lawn instead, and who am I kidding it was not my lawn anyway, but my girlfriend’s, the one I actually liked until I realized I was better at ripping off my girlfriend you already heard about.

I am running and partially falling over, because on second thought, I think I did have some left over after all.

I fall flat on my face, and give away my position to my ex, the police and the rest of the house. They cuff me, after I say I am not going to be compliant and return me to my ex who now knows about my secret breakfast. It only takes a half a liter before the cops are back and I am in handcuffs again.

**** that life, so glad to be more normal now.

I am so ugh….. I don’t even know… I embarrass myself constantly, this is so hard. I am constantly anxious, I can’t sleep that much, and then other times I feel like I am on top of the world. I guess this is why I used to sedate myself, because I sound like a lunatic, and it is really freaking embarrassing. I just can’t put this nowhere, so I feel like here is better than out loud, because then at least, I don’t have to hear myself. I just want to know what it feels like to feel normal. I have never felt that way in my whole life. I am so done with all of this, but it is not out of my system, because I am still so **** insecure, it is embarrassing.

I wish I could just shut my brain off sometimes. I can’t even do that when I sleep, and I am nervous because I don’t want to do this to myself ever again, but I don’t know how to feel without this intensity. I don’t feel without the extremes. I wish I could be one of those “let it go” people, but I am not. I am just not, and I can’t keep lying because I know I will just drink or get high if I do that, I see that now… and I ****ing hate how the drugs and booze made me feel at the end. I hate who they made me be, I hate what addiction did to my life. I am trying to move on, but this is so hard, and the longest I have ever been clean and sober since I was 18. I am 35.

17 years. Of this.. on and off.

I am so done. At the very least I have that, never again. I don’t want to drink/get high ever again.

Damien/Amanda

How would you rate your confidence level?

10. I am very very fast. I can run faster than anyone I know, most notably faster than this guy whose girlfriend paid me back my… rent money. I loaned it to him.. because I am a nice person? It was 400 dollars I got for standing in traffic at a light, and I am not the kind of person who looks good doing that… so sometimes they pay me to move, it takes a couple hours to make 400 dollars, like 8.

I stood there for 8 hours and had enough to pay the rent for the month or um… make tragic mistakes, you know dice roll. I decided to play double or nothing with my friend who is my business associate at well, well after this, his girl was my business associate and he was my **** for about 2 months. He wanted the power back from his girl.

I have a very um… aggressive approach to business, so people give me what I want.

Being impervious to death helps too… which is why I am turning my life around because I am realizing how I write this what an *** I was, because I think that something saved me all these times, and I proceeded to give it the finger, so it chopped my fingers off? Or the tips of three of them? I don’t think He or them or it really did that… I think it was MRSA and me being a ****.

Moral of the story, I am an arrogant **** , but I am trying to tone that down so… 5 on confidence..

I was friends with a man who lived in a motel in a state that’s name does not matter, that I met at a place called The Wall. We called the man the horse, because he ran fast. The whole thing was pretty elaborate but basically was you being led around from place to place while they got you high on other things to distract you and to throw off anyone watching the place this occurred. One of the places they would lead you to was a place called The Wall, it was literally just a wall in the middle of nowhere on an abandoned building.

Sometimes it took 5 hours, and you would stand staring at the wall, get the name choice? You would stand there afraid to miss the great pumpkin. I brought a marker once and wrote “The writing” all over the wall, and they beat the **** out of me, and asked what I was thinking, so I replied..

“Isn’t it obvious??? The writing is on the wall!”

What I was really thinking.. was that **** better come back with all my **** because I was going to beat the **** out of him if he came back with nothing like last time, and he already owed me for two times before that.

_____________________________________________________________________

I am sick of myself. End toxic memory.
________________________________________________________________________

Feel better now.

Peace.

I am in the process of reviving myself, from a life spent dancing with death.

I spent my life dancing with this bone-handed, harsh, squeezing binding reaper,

It’s hands holding ever so tightly to mine, feeling the hard bones of what I would eventually become, pushing into my flesh with a claim on my living body, making it belong to death before its time.

I have been asleep most of my life, pacing through madness, sleep-walker unconscious, but I am not this. I am not asleep, and have responsibility for all that I do not see, talk to, experience, and participate with… in a life that has always been mine.

I am a closed eyed human, not blind, not asleep.

I was a closed eyed human, but the shoulder taps of kindness, of kind strangers, are waking me up.

Thank you for preventing me from falling down the stairs… again… I might do it later, but I am awake for now.

I used to just consume ****ing other things, and for some reason thought if I drank water sometimes, I would feel okay. I think that is why I was losing pieces of my hands… stupid…

It’s kind of cool though… You don’t need the tips of all of your fingers, to be functional. The right thumb thing was the worst.. I am missing half of it.

Damien

It was this guy ranting about how prison doesn’t sound that bad

1. Free food
2. Free TV
3. Free tablets
4. Free internet
5. Free place to live

I thought it was hilarious, but then was immediately grasped at the neck by anxiety and asked her why she was showing it to me.

I hate being schizophrenic, I have done nothing that would cause me to worry about this, but that is my instant reaction. I hate being insane. I didn’t snap at her. Small steps.

I think I am in the process of finally clearing a long term MRSA infection from my body that cost me three finger tips. Most notably half of my thumb on my right hand, which was a ***** because that one was my fault entirely. I refused to go to the hospital because I was enjoying getting high.. I have been an idiot most of my life. I thought I could clear it on my own by using bleach and peroxide, which I used to literally seer a hole into my scalp through which you could see my skull, no lie. I am insane, in my defense… I was very high for all of this, and had no idea that I was literally digging a hole in my head with a pair of pliers.

I am just happy I am not insane today, the further I get away from meth and heroin/crack/acid/booze/painkillers/cocaine the better. I am tired of spending hours trying to kill myself slowly.

You can’t tell I did that, looking at me, because obviously, that matters narcissistic ***.

I don’t know why I felt I needed to share this.

Later Damien

No matter what I did she would not go away,

I would taunt and have fits, and run and I’d cry and by my side she always would stay.

This used to really annoy me.

I would think to myself that she would surely,

Leave eventually so I gave up on the idea of woman go

And now I don’t like life without her.

It means the world to me, as I came on this site very aggressively having a public hissy fit over how a world that I did not accept would not accept me, which was all just me trying to avoid accountability for the fact that I had ruined my own life by wasting it on deviant behavior to acquire things that no one needs and were never worth the lives cost on the streets of madness. If nothing else, I can say I have learned my lesson, and that I will try my hardest to not mess this up, and even if I do. I am changed. I will never look at drugs or alcohol the same again, and I am not a first time winner, this is my thousandth time swearing I would do it after repeated foxhole prayers to a God, sorry I am Catholic, no offense meant, believe whatever you want, the shame guilt thing is good for my ***.

I am feeling a lot better, and though I know I am going to rage flip out and cycle through denial and rage, I want anyone reading this to know, any of the things that people have said, out of kindness to a screaming madman, stuck with me and continues to change my life in ways I did not think possible.

I owe all of you everything I have, and I only have this way of thanking you.

With Love,

Damien

As much it pains me to do it I have to say, that writing out my personal demons helps me preform a sort of soul cleansing. I feel awful about all the things I have allowed happen in front of me, and I hope that my method is not too terrifying for at least certain people. I am just writing what works for me to stay sober every day. I am still the same selfish addict and a lot of this is

FLASH NEGATIVE
FLASH POSITIVE

Meditate

Talk. I am sorry to anyone who is disturbed by it.

I am in the process of working towards being a better person, and I am still an abrasive ****.

Damien

Narcissism at its finest woo! Now I get to feel like **** for a bit as a punishment for vanity.

I am an idiot.

I am also insane-ly

LIAR LIAR

Shut up, ****

Good at self-pity isn’t it pretty?

No.

I am the flowing go of white snow.

No.

I feel like I am going to throw up and thinking about drugs makes it worse so I do it more?

Mental illness at it’s finest

I guess… fine with me because it has to be I guess..

Or it is so it is.

Acceptance.

On a side note, does anyone find it slightly disturbing that a plane has an area called cockpit?

I am listening to the news and just realized the horror in that phrase.

Playing a video game with pain is fun, shooting through life like bullet in gun, but flying not to kill but to heal, to make aware of weakness in heel. I am Achilles with whole body shield. I am the weakness of addiction revealed.

Do you experience restrain from flushing your life down the drain?

Yes, pain miser I do. I am oh so very cute. I am a rabbit suit worn to store in December, I am the kindergarten defender.

That shouts hey! I will stay in these flowers and play play play

Invisible friends are schizophrenics with gifts.

I am a mind shift from the idea that I am sick to the idea that I am spirit guide.

I am the one who provides hope to “un-curable” disease with ease of joy, not easy but possible by medicating with love and care, provided by doctor but also by air, and life and love and hugs.

I am please be forever happy, you are me. You are you. Love everything you do. I am just like you. I need you too. Don’t go away, please stay.

Please stay.

We need you.

Don’t give up. I know it’s tough. I hope this helps.

I am an ear, if you need me.

I am an I with eyes that see clearly

in rays of light that write of love of Rei but also stay

And know that you can have this too.

I love you.

Love you too.

Please.

Sincerely yours,

Forever listening.

Damien and Amanda

I just wonder which one of us typed that. I logged on here, and I don’t have memory of typing it, neither does Rei and I don’t think my daughter did, because she is not here right now. I had a feeling the thing wanted her to go to the party, because it’s addiction speaking and it likes it when people party because otherwise it whnglbwilgkigheshjegnwkgnw

I kind of like it when it does that. It’s like a hand exercise, bite me.

If you can’t tell, Amanda is becoming more integrated with me, and focusing on making changes to become me, because I rule. Sorry, that was stupid.

That is why you hear very little about her life, because like mine, she spends most of it on here writing to you. Except she doesn’t have a nuclear family.

You’re an @$$^&(@!

I know.

I am leaving now.

Okay.

In case your wonder, not you Amanda, because you are me, heh….

I am not worried about having made the wrong choice about the party, she would have gone anyway even if we said no, and now she won’t resent us for not letting her go, so she is more likely to beat the virus of the mind.

But, what do I know, I am insane.