I need to move on, but I literally spent 3 years biting my tongue off, saying nothing while someone screamed at me.

That is all.

Okay, good now.

I have parents, who love me, who I abandoned to go across the country doing drugs with my ex who then tried to do things to me that are unspeakable, and are being told in allegory because, **** he tried to do things that are so **** that I dare not reveal that much about him. I have never hurt anyone just myself and speak of murder and crime as a literally and therapy tool used in allegorical repressed rage, because I hate the situation on the streets of this country and wish I had done something instead of being out there getting high with people who died, or hurt people. I have never killed anyone, hurt anyone, other than myself. I just have repressed rage at me so I made myself out to be a recovering monster, because I am, but not a violent one, not to any one else, just my own soul.

This is the reason for my anonymity.

I do not want to cause danger anymore to my family who are not Damien’s but a very normal one, who did not deserve a drug addict/alcoholic who should just have admitted they were non-binary Damien/Amanda/gender queer/schizophrenic drug addict/alcoholic the whole time, then maybe I could have a last name on this site.

Damien/Amanda.

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So now you know a little more about our parallel universe, Misery, a Hell for those damned to be here, to account for their sins, while in the purging process of their souls. I am being held here for the time being, torturing myself because I did not have my memory entirely before. I was a man possessed by the demonic force of resentment. I am not in any way saying this releases me from responsibility. I am accountable for everything I did. It was me acting under the possession of an inner demon. I think that is why my name is what it is.

I am supposed to learn to get out of my Cain kingdom of Misery and walk back to the Garden of Eden, with Rei, my ray of light, the mercy of my soul from a higher power of forgiveness and mercy. I get it now, that I was buying and selling hellish fire and being a grim reaper for the forces of Hell, that live within the souls of addicts or those damned to a life of addiction to their own pain.

I am speaking out this way, because in the throws of the driving force of desire, I was a passenger in my own body, very much similar to demonic possession.

I hope you understand,

With sincere apologies,

Forever guilty

Damien

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
Turn the pages
What can I help you with?
Nothing I am fine, why do I look like I need help?!
Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to…
Well ya did, get the **** away.
Sorry just trying to…
Oh, sorry I am a jerk.

Damien, alcoholic addict in stages and phases reflecting forever in Narcissistic ever quest for self reflection

I mean that wholeheartedly, talking to myself helps me, and I am hoping maybe it will help someone else to see my displayed vanity insanity typed over and over, and it is better to talk to myself on here then cry myself to sleep, or get drunk or high because I am scared. Okay, not going to erase that, it felt very good to write that.

I have a very hard time admitting weakness,

Can I help you with something?

This says to my brain

1. You are paying attention to me
   • Stop looking at me **** it.
   • I am doing fine, if you only knew what my life was like you would look this ****** too, so stop reminding me of how pathetic I am by implying I need anything from you.
2. You have noticed something I am doing that illustrates that there would be any reason I need help.
   • I do everything to the best of my ability at the time, which is very poorly because I am a drug addict and an alcoholic who sucks at everything except engaging in fits of rage or joy on the internet, and I say that lightly because displays of affection towards myself are disgusting. 😉
   • You are telling me something I am doing is inadequate which makes me mad immediately because why are you looking for inadequacy in someone you don’t know
3. You think I need anyone other than myself.
   • This makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to want or need people, because then they can hurt me.
   • I am terrified of wanting or needing anyone.
   • I would rather be rejected immediately
   • Kindness of strangers annoys me, because I am just going to say the wrong thing and cause discomfort for everyone.

Peace.

As much it pains me to do it I have to say, that writing out my personal demons helps me preform a sort of soul cleansing. I feel awful about all the things I have allowed happen in front of me, and I hope that my method is not too terrifying for at least certain people. I am just writing what works for me to stay sober every day. I am still the same selfish addict and a lot of this is

FLASH NEGATIVE
FLASH POSITIVE

Meditate

Talk. I am sorry to anyone who is disturbed by it.

I am in the process of working towards being a better person, and I am still an abrasive ****.

Damien

I identified myself with my name because that is a thing people do right, this is an indication that it will be only me speaking not Amanda. Unless she interjects, but mostly me.

I am starting to understand the same things she is about the whole positive outlet for rage thing. I think I get why my family doesn’t mind me sitting all day on the internet typing. I am trying to find little things I can do every day to improve, so I become less ashamed of my life of failure.

My leg is getting better, which means my friend’s leg is getting better. She is having the same sensations of failure as me, but due to a lack of what I have currently, because while existing with her, I am her future life, because we are all power I feeling I’s in the sky of lies.

I am such a jerk, at least I am being a jerk on here in an outlet sort of way.

I am sorry for the disturbing outbursts.

Damien

I think I have discovered a new way of channeling rage. Sweet. It was better than sitting and fussing about how I hate myself. I think I needed to do that because Amanda was pissed at the world, and I was pissed at myself for my entire life. I think it is cool that I can do something that produces something as an outlet instead of doing what I used to do. I am feeling better now, so I will stop for now.

I haven’t been able to go to a meeting in days, so I felt like I needed an outlet and I am trying to be better, so I wanted to do it this way instead of going out and causing chaos for my family, Amanda speaking as well.

On the unified story line, I am going to most likely change my name legally to Damien eventually. I told that to my mom and she is okay with it. My dad was a jerk about my feelings of gender confusion, and is most of the source of repressed rage which I feel is best expressed this way, instead of using. I am going to a meeting and got my leg looked at, am on medication for it so I will be okay, sorry for the insane outburts.

With love,

Damien and Amanda