I saw you once, but made you here, and realize now you never were.

I saw you then, but look back now, and realize that I did not know how

To move away from the one I lost, knowing not the secret cost

Of devoting life to my own hate

To living life perpetually in state

Of irate

I am no longer made of dark seeded resent

Of that life I long to no longer sent

On mission to destroy myself, no longer devoted to bottle on shelf.

Blurry Vision

I am realizing, real eyes-ing

I am realizing, that I no longer walk on the same ground. I am used to something else, to going round and round. A different person took me out of myself today, called me somewhere else, from a place of far away.

They told me something that the you I speak of on her often said, and the feeling that I got was different, and makes me think I am truly getting better, because some other feelings are becoming put to bed.

I am no longer thinking always of someone else, now I am able to put my feelings, not myself on a shelf.

I am finally able to hear, to feel, to see, and finally experiencing life, not on a shelf, but being me.

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You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?

The sound of automation is mesmerizing, the clicking, the shuffling, the beeping the whirring, shoving and blended talking of all those on the train, who do not know me, and don’t know anything about my past. They have no judgement of me, preconceived or otherwise, busy with their own business. I fade into the background, and watch a world I left behind for a dance with a siren who wanted to rip my soul from my eyes.

My eyes are free now, and look around, not dominated by watching her, they are free to be their own, not called to the service of a master, they watch as the passengers go about their quiet business, and I am inspired by their composure, ability to be so normal, the train is a zen garden of little people, not screaming in overinflated hot blow up doll chaos, they keep to themselves, and I keep to mine, in my mind. I am thinking about leaving this place, misery, and doing something else, thinking and sure that this time, I mean it, because she should not own my words anymore.

I am going to board a new train of thought, and then hopefully get myself together enough to go on a train and do something else.

I have removed all the toxic content from this site, that was making me want to drink or get high. I am done with that life, and the people who made it seem so much better than the very simple life that I have now. I am so happy to be done with all the garbage.

I am sorry for negativity that I put out there during all of this. I will be trying my best to move forward, and make more contributions to society. That being said a lot of horrible things have happened to me during my life, and writing them on here helps me. This is free therapy for me, take it or leave it. I am going to try to be more positive, but that does not mean this site will not remain what it is. It is a horror story. It will remain a horror story with positive undertones.

Damien