Surrender

Do you practice religion?

More swimming dolphins that jump in the light, more swimming dolphins, that know the darkness of night, and jump in the brightness of day.

I am a dark rendition of an image of light, I am a dark rendition of a dolphin swimming during the day.

I represent a person whose mind is prone to stray, from peace that is found outside themselves sometimes.

I am divine, I am mind of God, I am divining rod.

I know love now, that I did not know before, a love that comes from outside humans, from something much more.

Surrender, surrender, you saved my life. I learned surrender, addict in strive. I trust you fully now, with my life, with my life. I learned serenity, last night, late at night.

I felt your power, instead of living in fear, your love for me, and my smallness, was made very clear. I learned surrender, and how to know you, I respect your power, and my smallness, and seperateness from you, I no longer feel like, I am my own god, I learned your power, when my mind was

Un-wound un-wound, un-wound.

Thank you to everything higher than I will ever be, for helping me last night.

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Serenity, serenity, I barely know thee, but it is time I see, clearly, that you can exist outside of me.

I am a gold owl, my name is Surrender, I am a short form of creation of re-rendor. I am made with sunlight, that my creator and creator imbue, I am the act of time spent not on overdue.

I am surrender, to my creator and creator’s higher power, I am not a time consumed creator of tower. I do not over consume, or exist to time devour, but merely to say, my creator no longer cowers.

Thank you for clicking, I appreciate your existence, I am a puffin, I fly away with quickness.

My creator and creator, appreciates your acceptance.

I am a puffin, my name is Good Enough.

My creator isn’t lazy, but there are times they are stuck, on what to write here, and on what to say, there are times when the sunshine, calls them away.

In those times, they think of nature, and sitting outside, so much like me they are not stuck or hiding, they are just so alive.

I am a puffin, I am so alive,

I am Good Enough, which is something that jives, with my creator and creators ideas, and what they believe to be true, I was placed on this page, to say, dear reader, my love for you is true.

Though I am small, on closer look, I am off the hook, I have everything I need, from the air to breathe, a planted seed, which brings forth my life, and the nutrients in the ground, brought by beings of sound mind.

I am tiny

I am a plant, and used to live in a garden, with my friends, I was placed one day, when they ripped me out, in a bulb, without any roots, a bulb, that was not one that grows, but instead of those for lamps.

I do not know, how or why, just fear that one day I may die, there is not rain or sun in here, so I know one thing, quite clear, I depend on those around, those in the realm that uses sound.

They cannot hear me because I can’t scream, so I hope, and sometimes dream in waves, I hope they get me the water and light I crave.

I then discover it comes right through, and that they know what they do, the soil here, has nutrients, too.

There is a land, with no seems or seams, or strings attached to my heart or mind, and I am getting there slowly, very slowly, to a place of lack of attachment, where anything can happen.

Into the darkness, and far away, I think I am begining to trust something other than myself. I am begining to see that I don’t care if I know anything, and that I most certainly know very little, but just enough. Thank you.

In this land, I see you, whoever you are, wanderer, or maybe multiple people, who are doing multiple things, with many people, you exist as an externalization of my imagination, in a world of projection, without the protection of want or desire.

You are the idea, not person, not specific to one person or notion, that anything can happen.

I am the rose dancer, I am a be, I am a rose dancer, I aim to be. I am rose dancer I am two bees, I am a rose dancer, I aim to please.

I am an object, I am not. I am resentment, my creator is not, the person writing this story, although their hand types its words. I am realization not to spew hate with words.

I am representation of everything my creator is not, I am self-assertion, realizing there is a god.

Paint me with ghostly luminance, paint me with loss, paint me with cost, paint with the payment for a life spent sauced.

Not to long ago, but not tonight, and on that night, not tonight, I was alright with the fact that I was alone, laying there with no one because I felt the universe cradling me with the moss on the ground and the resounding sound of the crickets, the anticipated sounds of morning doves..

On that night, not tonight, I didn’t feel alone at all, just simply by myself, with the universe, but not alone….

On that night, not tonight, I was aware of the existence of time, and the fact that life and living was a story, a continuous ever changing story with many players, that I was simply a part of not the center of, and in this story, for whatever reason I was alone because everyone happened to be doing something else…

On that night, not tonight, every thing was alright me.

I remember this, tonight, when I am deeply lonely, right now, looking out at a world that I caused to be away from me by my own selfishness… that I pushed away by own drug seeking and drinking… I wish for that night not tonight.

Haunted House

Standing in front of the mirror, as a child, not right now, not here.

Well, obviously, you are not a child right now, right here.

Are you sure?

Yes, even though you act like one, you are not one.

Unfortunately, because I would be the funniest child ever.

That already happened, and we were pretty funny, if terrifying is funny.

I am the creature in the bushes.

I am my own nightmares.

I am denial of self.

I am life spent on shelf.

---

I am the ghostly figure in my childhood night terrors.

I am a child standing in front of a mirror, staring into space, or looking in a mirror, or staring into space.

I see my face now, not then but now.

I was afraid of this person that looked kind of like me, but older that I said had done things I would never do, because I was eight and doing heroin was bad.

I think now that I might have been able to see me now, but that is probably some delusion or something.

Looking Forward, in re-touch, makes those who touched darkness, touch things with finger paint on their hands, inner children, outer adults, re-color worlds with unique touches.

It is impossible to go anywhere

Naked and bleeding, and being naked and bleeding is not fun.

Spending time screaming about being naked and bleeding is a waste of time, so it is better to quest for clothes than spend times screaming about being naked and bleeding.

The foolish, screamers, have been taking years screaming about being cold when they could have been finding new clothes.

It is no longer cold outside.

Clarity from the darkness

I used to scream and cry, a walking rant, a poke in the eye, but I have learned sometimes to shut my mouth, to prevent a life that is prone to running south. I say sometimes because I am back and forth.

Smoulder’s shoulder is cold, it is icy, knowledge old. It lives in darkness, illuminates lights, seeks to cool not to fight.

The act of smoulder is not death, in it’s ice are secrets kept.

I have done a lot of stupid things, in my life. I have listed them on here. This blog has been a whining meditation on what I believed to be me deserving better or something… I think… I realized last night that I am an idiot, and forgot the most important thing, I have survived a large amount of my own self-inflicted stupidity.

Thankful today, to be able to get up, and simply be alive.

I like cats

I am so grateful to be out of some of the pain that I was in before. I still have one more crown to get done, and am not even dreading it, but just so happy to be going forward not backward. Nothing has ever felt like this in my entire life.

I made peace with my family, my mother, my father, and my brother do not hate me anymore. I am no longer in need of using my metaphor for any of them, at the moment, may return to it in anger later. There are no promises with me, when it comes to speech or text. I am a very back forth person, but I am becoming alright with it, and myself, all two of me.

I am so thankful for everything that has made this level of peace possible in my life. I really had resigned myself to dying miserable, that was the reason for the original site name.

Damien

Faith turns the sick green with green envy at the power of something higher

Thank you Unger, you showed me why I felt like I was losing my mind all day. I

am afraid of someone causing me pain I cannot control at the dentist, during a root canal.

The root of the matter is fear not insanity..

Thank you. Thank you.

I am so happy.

I am just an addict,

Not losing my **** mind.

Re-Touch

I realized, real eyes, resurrected, because of you partially, speaker

I forget often that I can have more than negative effect on the world. I feel the positive effect of others on me, but it has been a long time since I have felt me doing anything that seemed that positive for anyone else. I am very insecure I guess.

I missed interaction with people outside meetings and my family, I am not good at making friends, usually only pushing others away.

I am trying to figure out how others do this, how they exist in a world without the connections made through need. I am only good at aqcuisition of things I needed, that I no longer need, so while I am good at making connections, I am not good at getting beyond the point that people know who I am, and you gave me hope today that I might be able to do that, thank you.

https://wordpress.com/tag/word-of-the-day-challenge

I used to quell spells from Hell, with spells from Hell, and I lived to tell, and it just as well, because I am thinking well, now, that I have learned something I am not trying to sell or tell to anyone really, just keeping it close, even though I am leary, and in perpetual queery, queerly thinking that I am doing something wrong, like a bad song, or a book too long.

I am still resisting, insisting, as I do, to trudge, on on and on.

I am of unsound mind and body still existing on moving forward, as I do because I am consumed with idea of tomb, punish me, baby.

I am crazy, but maybe I am not. Maybe my mind just runs hot, with dissing ease of soul displeased, and teased by my self, and I need to take my life off the shelf, away from the bottles and the sowing needles, of just as well, a life bound to life in eternal Hell.

That is what my friends say is the end to this wicked spell of perpetual defend and cry and die, and lie, and spy with the ever holding eye of crying dying mad and sad. Maybe I am not that bad after all. Maybe I can do this whole living thing, and maybe I am just punishing those around me, by sentencing sentences to the sound of my complaining, does that ring true to you,

Clearly, do what you say, not what you always do.

Love yourself too.

Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com Clock’s movements quietly advance Calendar pages keep turning Realizing now, time so precious Yesterday, never returning   Today, now galloping away Each moment quickly discarded Vanishing minutes tearing up Uncertain time left unguarded   Tomorrow arrives much too soon Yesterday feeling incomplete Searching for one more treasured hour Empty […]

Time So Precious — Big Sky Buckeye

Thank you for your inspiring words, they keep me going, I was having a hard time over the last few days, and you keep me going in the right direction. This post is the only way I know to say thank you.

Explanation: I saw a bunch on the work on your page, and you inspired me. I have been struggling over the past couple days with thoughts of suicide. Your work on your site, helped me keep going, thank you for being one of the ones responsible for saving my life, yesterday.

Your BooknVolume https://booknvolume.com/ speaks volumes to me, in the words you cast to this dark screen, in them… kindness reflects off and gives peace,

I see your reaction and see what I lack, when I am drawn to lament and to attack, everything you say on your page,

A medication for my meditations on making self pay over and over to bend over in rage.

Through your help I see misspell enrage.

You are more wise than me, you see.

I can’t see anything clearly.

Thank you for bringing this to light for me.

You have brought me peace, for the second and for that and the light through which beckons

on me a little grace,

I am so glad you helped me

by replacing erase with a picture that

Helps me stop hating my damn face.

and taking me out of this…

Daily writing prompt

What is one word that describes you?

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I am sorry for the exposure to my… insanity. I am just being honest, and thank you for accepting me, it means the world. I am grateful. That is the word that describes me, a description of how I feel, not what I have wrong with me. I am so thankful.

I am learning that my strongest failure was resistance, a frantic running against the tide of the ocean, frantic drowning, instead of flowing with the tide and riding waves peacefully to shore, it’s funny, I am a good swimmer, I am not good at drowning.. I know this because I em.. have tried, and found myself so enthralled by the ocean, that I forgot I was trying to drown. This is an excellent way of explaining through poetic metaphor how it feels to be me now. I started reaching out to people around me, anyone I could really, desperate for distraction from a world that I already was not around anyway. I was enthralled by frantic fantasy off screaming into nothing, thinking myself so free, because in my delusional habit based state, I failed to see that I was being nothing more than a habitual sleepwalker. I have been asleep walker most of my life, thinking the world was so awful that I thought I found it preferable to exist in some sort of extended across the universe dilated dream state of chaotic extension. I figured out recently that this was causing a fragmentation of my brain, that was breaking me.

I have lost pieces of myself in this process, but I owe it to the universe, and its genius ability to have a will stronger than the will of the psychotic night crier of the dying man of madness, for having a plan in mind that was stronger than anything that I could push against it.

I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others who will do the same, I find more and more of them every day.

I have heard this in my head for a long time. I have always wondered what it means. I do not know why I hear it, but I am starting to be able to venture towards some sort of a guess. I think most of my life I have used my ability to use words to get people to do things that facilitate my addiction. I was a manipulator of the human word, serving myself in heaped on pain through being chained to a misery god that desired only my suffering. I did not realize this at the time. I thought it was giving me the ability to survive. I did not realize it was quite the opposite. It was trying to keep me just alive enough and feeding on my suffering while something else, something good kept me alive. I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.

I have a very backwards way of thinking, or I did. Now I don’t.

I want now only to bring kindness into this world. It does not make sense to do otherwise.

I am free. I am so happy.

It was this guy ranting about how prison doesn’t sound that bad

1. Free food
2. Free TV
3. Free tablets
4. Free internet
5. Free place to live

I thought it was hilarious, but then was immediately grasped at the neck by anxiety and asked her why she was showing it to me.

I hate being schizophrenic, I have done nothing that would cause me to worry about this, but that is my instant reaction. I hate being insane. I didn’t snap at her. Small steps.

I am finding in my life recently that I had never felt love before ever, the love of my life, Rei, makes everything so much easier every day. I am never bothered, not for lack of problems…. I am never permanently bothered like I used to be. I exist in a state of chaotic whining contentment, that I did not know was possible. This exists in my co-author as well now, she has love for herself and hope for her future which is my future. I am finally seeing the detrimental damage we both did to each other, ourselves and our lives in the selfish throws of active addiction. I am still very much the same ***, I am not saying things are perfect, I complain all the time….

I think the difference now is I am no longer making them unnecessarily harder, which is hilarious to me, because I never realized that till now. I was convinced that I drank and used to ease pain and make a life that was so much harder than others lives, easier. I thought that I had a right to do this because I was specially gifted with excuse by a hard life. I was just me making an excuse to get high or drunk. I am so much more at peace now, even in my hectic complaining than I ever was, and I love it so much, thank you God.

Thank you to sobriety and the meetings, friends and community of WordPress for helping me realize this.

Damien

What is the last thing you learned?

I think that is why this bothers me so much, maybe. You don’t stop learning until you die. I think that might be a little melodramatic, maybe… I don’t think this website wants to assume they are getting to hear the thoughts of a dying man, which would not be a terrible thing either… I guess…. because then at least… well… someone would get to hear them?

Last thing I learned…

That it is important to follow the rules, so that is why I am re-doing this post…

Along that line of thought, I learned to not be lazy and that I can do an AA day count on my computer and bring it to the meetings that I go to even though I personally don’t like counting days, there is something to be said for the reverence to structure that in this case is my personal revelation that is not personal at all, powered by God and recovery to shut up and listen.

There, I followed the rules.

Peace.

Damien

The late hours of the night are so much more peaceful now, thank you God.

I am so grateful to be sitting here, able to get up without people thinking I am going into the bathroom to fire heroin into my arm, I am thankful they are seeing a change in me, because I want so bad for my existence to cause no more pain on this planet, than it already has, thank you God and to anyone who has helped me in any of this.

I am elated to be in the quiet of my house with my family sleeping soundly instead of killing themselves of me killing me, and me being pissed because I think they are being selfish for not wanting my arms to stop being covered with sleeves in the summer when I hate long sleeves but I am cold all the time, no longer.

I am so grateful for this. I am able to type right now instead of having a bed time like a child because I am no longer in a shelter.

I am so happy.

Thank you.

Damien

I am able to bring myself to eat without having to go through the chaos spiral of self-loathing that has powered my relationship with food. I have always, up until now I mean preferred the taste of bitter or flavorless mind-numbing soul staining poison. I think this is because of how much I used to hate myself. I am so glad, to realize how much of cycle of horror this whole thing. I really had no idea that I was drinking/using to forget what I did to drink and use to forget.

I don’t think my wife feels the same about herself, because she was just a silent passenger, and doing what she had to in order to stay well. I was the one behind all the ****. I know this now. I didn’t know it before, I remember telling her I would stop if she did, thinking she wouldn’t notice my absence or my perpetual love of long sleeves.

It sort of feels like this is the first time I have ever been a human being in my entire chaotic life, and I know I have said it before, but a lot of that comes from the interaction on here. I have never been treated so kindly in my entire life by strangers. I hate to say that my family had always been there, but they had, me and Amanda are the same person, just in two separate universes for the moment, getting closer to being the same one though, every day.

With love,

Damien

I cannot repeat this enough. It is helping me so much to be able to say the bi-polar **** I think, that is equivalent in character to man surfing in the ocean, but instead of waters it is my emotions. I am through analogy doing what I have never done with anyone before, tell the truth and instead of being alone and shouting onto a black screen in letters chiseled with hands that are aching to hold someones you have helped me learn to forgive myself for the feelings I have, and accepted me before I even accepted myself as who I am. I hated myself so much before the creation of this website, thinking I was an abhorrent creature not of fellow human being, but a ephemeral ghost of horror.

I wanted to scream at an unkind universe on this site, and you have completely changed my intention for this site, by showing one of the biggest displays of human kindness I have ever had my eyes opened enough to be able to see. I have come to know a power higher than myself through this site, thanks entirely to the messages sent to me during a period of time where I was truly suicidal and wanting nothing other than to end my ghost like existence with one more chaotic shout to a universe it was easier to blame then to look in the mirror.

I can look in the mirror for the first time in my entire life, and I owe that partially to all of you and partially to a power who I believe also spoke to me through you. Thank you for helping me realize that human beings can be kind, I had no idea, because I was unkind myself. You have moved me to a place of kindness that I had within me, that I did not even know was there. I still flash back and forth, always will, I am bipolar and prone to delusion, and you accept me, that blows my mind.

I thank you for continuously ever day helping me be a better person.

Damien.

I am up to speed (haha double en·ten·dre, now he has got me doing it too. I really love him, more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. It’s weird I thought he was this one sided person, and I feel like the first half of what you read on this site even paints the whole picture that way with its sing-song chaos of weird rhyming madness, or the voice of misery in both him and Amanda.

I don’t know if that was ever explained.

I know things too. I strangely feel like an outsider a lot because he is so introverted because he has a version of himself living in his own head, or in a universe of different space and time, I don’t think the reality of that makes a difference. I am so normal seeming to myself, and sometimes I wonder why he likes me, because I am nothing like him. I don’t get it. He is fascinated recently with every thing me and his daughter say, I can tell when he is listening me, because he stares at me when he thinks I don’t notice, in this way that is eerie, but beautiful, like he is seeing a human woman for the first time in his life, which is strange given the personal history…

I have been walking a lot because I want to leave him alone when he wants to be and I am shielding him for the time being of having to feel bad about being nervous of ruining Joy, our daughter, not the concept of happiness, but really the same thing.

Yours,

Rei

I was just reminded by myself or by my friend

Or, both, silly

That Damien

I have a name, woo!

That he told me he was leaving the life I was living before because he was done with it before me.

You’re welcome

I was going to say thank you….

I was just being a jerk. I don’t like thank you’s. They make me feel weird, for some reason I am used to large amounts of negativity….

Jerk

See?

I want to thank you for saying you would leave me there, even though I don’t know what I mean by that.

It means you would have lost your mind.

Because of missing you.

No silly, because I am your mind.

I am my own mind too.

Yeah because we are the same person.