I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
Thank you for everything you have done today for us, Damien.
Thank you for saying that, it means the entire world to me.
I know, and it means the entire world to me that you have helped me. I think I am realizing now, that you and I, and the way our brain works is a strength, not a weakness.
Thank you for saying that as well.
Thank you for listening to me.
I love you and we will be okay.
That means the world to me. Now we can never forget the serenity prayer ever again.
I know, I appreciate that as well, but you probably could have just looked it up anytime you needed to remember it.
I felt there was some power behind posting it.
Thank you for that.
You are welcome. I love you.
For the first time ever, that doesn’t gross me out.
Thank you for saying that, as well.
Spent 100,000 grand on political science masters, and then spent 15 years as a petty criminal while developing an unhealthy obsession with women who will never love me because I hate myself and hating them for it, while drinking and doing drugs which made everyone hate me, including making hate myself and then made excuses for why it was everyone’s fault, but my own, while sitting around talking to myself… and pretending myself is my wife…
Hey, ***hole, I am a pers… well, we are the… you are right….
I don’t even want to be this time…
I feel like ****… I want to get high……
Don’t do that to me, I am not going to, I am not going to encourage this…
I don’t ****ing know, I am bored and lonely and really want some whiskey, but I can’t have any and I am really ****ing angry about it.
You can’t have it or you’re choosing not to have it?
Then why are you mad?
Because I am an alcoholic, and I wish I could drink like a normal person.
There is no such thing as drinking like a normal person, because normal people don’t have to try to not be alcoholics, they are just not alcoholics.
I want to drink like a functional alcoholic.
There is so no such thing.
I think I could do it right this time.
No. I just wanted to see what you would say.
I would say you are talking to yourself about drinking on a computer screen because you have severe issues.
She tells me she is crazy
She wants to make me fear her, fear what she will do to me if I do what?
I care about none of this.
I don’t think she knows what the word insanity means, I exist in your bad dreams, I am everything that is just frightening enough to make you go away, so I can stay forever alone, alone, alone, by myself in my own HELL.
I am digital re-touch
I am nightmares never dreams
I am finding self-loathing in everything
Because I am oh, so good at bad dreams
You are screaming at me, and I am seeing this, such a tragic reaction my mind has to the rage of others, making it impossible to hear anything they are saying…
You have no power over me, I live in HELL, you are all bad dreams, meaning nothing, because neither do I
You think you can make me cry.
Oh, so sad.. I have something in my eye… I
don’t cry for anyone anymore, my entire life is garbage on the floor of HELL
You don’t like me, leave then, don’t care, just as well, not changing for anyone, never again. I can be my own best friend, you think I need you.
I need nothing, I would rather die than live in your reality of soul sucking.
GO TO HELL or actually, don’t that’s where I live, and you deserve
soooooooo much better…………
I see you, but I do not, I just know that your hate for me is something I don’t give TWO ***** about.
and I don’t like being burned so I go here, to my own perpetual land of jeer, of making fun of everything around, including me, and ignoring sound,
You hate me do you, do you really? I see it on you ****ing clearly, I don’t know what it was I said, silly girl, wishing I was dead, you can’t kill me with your words. I can’t even kill myself with myself with my ****ing hands, and believe me I have tried.
I miss a lot of things
Looking at the ground to make sure
I will not trip
I am talking to me.
I am talking to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The narrator hates themself.
The narrator needs to calm down.
The narrator hates themself.
Okay I feel better.
But really looking for rocks
Or darts to toss
In the trash, because you know it is my goal to
FOCUS ON EVERYTHING THAT KILLS ME
Stop it man, seriously.
Why? I am done anyway.
You are helping me,
You are me, but you are also not, and you are helping me.
Thank you self.
I am so grateful to be out of some of the pain that I was in before. I still have one more crown to get done, and am not even dreading it, but just so happy to be going forward not backward. Nothing has ever felt like this in my entire life.
I made peace with my family, my mother, my father, and my brother do not hate me anymore. I am no longer in need of using my metaphor for any of them, at the moment, may return to it in anger later. There are no promises with me, when it comes to speech or text. I am a very back forth person, but I am becoming alright with it, and myself, all two of me.
I am so thankful for everything that has made this level of peace possible in my life. I really had resigned myself to dying miserable, that was the reason for the original site name.
Yeah dufus. I am just in charge now, because you can’t keep doing this to yourself.
I get it, thank you. I am glad you won.
I am glad you won too.
Why do you say it like that?
I didn’t win, this is what you wanted remember?
Well, yeah. It is what I wanted.
Then why is it that I won?
I like cop-outs.
I noticed, I am used to being the bad guy.
You do it so well.
So do you. 😛
I am green with envy
I am green with sickness
I am green
I am mean
I am coming undone
I am no fun
I am sickness
I am addict.
I relate humility and humiliation, a lot because I always did. The root words are similar, and for me, until today actually they appeared to be the same thing, forced bowing, like someone had conquered me, or something… the spirit of the Spanish Conquerer, someone said something to me about my name and that. It hurt… but so does someone saying I have brown eyes, because everything hurts my feelings.
I was listening to someone say that I have to do a fearless moral inventory, and the thing is… I don’t know what the **** that even means because for me morality has always been enforced with fear, Spanish Catholic superstition.
It is funny, I was cleaning with Diane when the spider incident happened, and she got mad, and I think it was partly because she believed the spider to not be real, and even if it wasn’t what different does it make? I saw it, so even if it was unreal or real, is it any more okay or not okay if it is or isnt? I made a loud sound because I was genuinely afraid in that moment, of something I thought I saw.
I don’t get other people sometimes, the lack of understanding of those who are usually understanding astounds me, whenever it happens. I was helping Diane with something, and I am afraid of spider, so I reacted like I am afriad of spiders, and apparently it is a problem if I am afraid of spiders outside. Not my problem. Moving on.
It looks like it is going to rain in the area I live. I like the rain, when I am living inside. I am looking forward to being on my own.
I miss not having people accost me for what I am doing when my reaction is not the same as theirs.
I throw stones at no one, pelting words into the darkness of night, because no one can hear me right?
Do you know what you do?
Blind rage is a cage of the mind, locking down the heart of a human being into animalistic state, clawing for escape in every direction.
The hands that seek to allow its release, thought to be the hands of the captor, and in madness, the claws of the caged dart back and forth, poking the hands of their releaser, jabbing at their hands, with bones they have to pick with someone else, themselves.
I am begining. Nothing else, just starting over from the begining.
That is literally my favorite holiday… ****! I think I forgot it, because I was supposed to, because other than the Fourth of July, it is one of the days I have the hardest time not drinking. The Fourth of July, I used to get hammered and loudly talk about what a good American I was until I almost got arrested, and then I liked to tell the cops arresting me what a good American I was, which would usually cause them to either not arrest me, or to violently arrest me.
It was hilarious.
But it is the reason why I have a bunch of warrants for failure to appear.
I don’t appear for anyone I don’t want to. Not even myself.
Daily writing prompt
What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?
Around my eyes, not on my eyes, because it is the closest I can get to altering my face, without doing the whole plastic surgery thing. I hate my face.
Need an outlet, I am spinning tales of death to distract myself from what I am really thinking. It is 9:24 on the east coast……. and I am sitting staring into the darkness of this screen, thinking of how much I long for something, out of sickness…. I long for you… oh spindle of silence,
Heroin, oh heroin, I love you so,
Heroin, oh heroin, why must I say no?
Why, must I long for you for the sweet kiss of death every night at this time?
I am the split of two souls
I have always felt like I am being a girl/I have always felt like a guy.
I have been fighting myself dilated through two universe, a narcissist but also a hater of myself, psychotic two spirit with soul split in misery and dilated through drugs, dumb, and blind because I chose to be, but I am really two spirits second chance, they are in this together fighting for redemption. They are two souls that would have been in misery without each other.
I am a chaotic mad chasing, not of nothing but of my own self, which existed with me the whole time, I was just too arrogant to see that my higher power had given me something different. Thankful for today. I will no longer use this to change my voice and commit petty crime.
I can die later, when it wants me to, only it knows that.
I realize now why this was done, we were both so arrogant we needed to be brought to our knees. We did this in psychosis, the only way we knew how a narcissist drowning in life trying to be with themselves. I can live with myself now because me and Amanda or Damien and I are the same person. BAM. Thank you, to a power higher than for teaching me the hard way, the only way I would listen.
I am so ugh….. I don’t even know… I embarrass myself constantly, this is so hard. I am constantly anxious, I can’t sleep that much, and then other times I feel like I am on top of the world. I guess this is why I used to sedate myself, because I sound like a lunatic, and it is really freaking embarrassing. I just can’t put this nowhere, so I feel like here is better than out loud, because then at least, I don’t have to hear myself. I just want to know what it feels like to feel normal. I have never felt that way in my whole life. I am so done with all of this, but it is not out of my system, because I am still so **** insecure, it is embarrassing.
I wish I could just shut my brain off sometimes. I can’t even do that when I sleep, and I am nervous because I don’t want to do this to myself ever again, but I don’t know how to feel without this intensity. I don’t feel without the extremes. I wish I could be one of those “let it go” people, but I am not. I am just not, and I can’t keep lying because I know I will just drink or get high if I do that, I see that now… and I ****ing hate how the drugs and booze made me feel at the end. I hate who they made me be, I hate what addiction did to my life. I am trying to move on, but this is so hard, and the longest I have ever been clean and sober since I was 18. I am 35.
17 years. Of this.. on and off.
I am so done. At the very least I have that, never again. I don’t want to drink/get high ever again.
Either one or ten, no in between, going back and forth minute by minute, based on reflections on pain and suffering or me being selfish or kind, over and over and over and over all day, presented on the internet for the amusement of the viewers of this blog because it makes me feel better and is part of a larger recovery process, and experiment with trying to grow as a person.
The path of the fool traveling in the dark, the tale of the one who twists and turns in light that is stark.
The act of wondering why you hate yourself while glorifying ego.
The walk in the park and shot at a flying bald eagle.
I am offense at everything you say, and the desire to simultaneous desire to defend everything I say.
I am addiction to stop but also to addiction to go.
I am yes, but also I am no.
I am bipolar, I am paranoid. I am insane.
I am addicted addict with no drug, and now thinking brain.
I am ****ed and painful but no longer lying, I am crying, screaming but at least learning and no longer dying.
I am finally beginning to like myself for the first time in my entire life. I have never liked myself my entire life, I did not realize this till just recently, I hated me, so I was constantly defending myself to myself, I did not realize these were not always schizophrenia, but personal demons that were very different than the voices, they are easier to deal with and have started to subside now that I have begun to remove the toxicity from myself and my life. I am so happy to be free of all this. I am so happy to be free from everything that was making me so miserable, every day, and it’s so silly because a lot of it was me doing it to my own self. I realize that now, but the thing is the position I was in was partially responsible for everything I felt, not in the taking away accountability from me kind of way.
I am accountable for all the things I have done, but that does not mean I need to destroy myself over it and resent others for the things I am doing to myself, with my own hands. I am sorry to those that are hurt by me, to those who I metaphorically killed, because I am not a real serial killer, just a personification of addiction and manifestation of the guilt of an addict who did not realize how much they did not have to put a mask on the truth that they blame themselves for everything.
I was Amanda, but I am becoming myself, Damien de Soto, take it or leave it. I have never killed anyone, just facilitated the death of addicts through never saying stop using when we were getting high together, my daughter is real to me, in my world of future, but she is not real for Amanda yet, and I hope you understand what I mean by that I was not lying when I said anything I said, but rebuilding a soul for a life that I thought was already over, as Amanda and built for me, her future self, I am very much real because these are her real thoughts and feelings, and my family represents families she just recently new and one specific child who she never stood up for because she was getting drugs from their parent.
When asking what I did about my daughter, I was relieving a past feeling of resentment. Amanda called child protection services on someone who she had dealt with in the past, because she did not like what was going on in that house, and she and I were asking the universe if it was done out of resentment or if that was truly the right way to handle it. I think it was, she secretly does too, we both hope the kid is alright, although we never followed up to see if they responded to our call.
Thank you for your support it means the world.
Damien and Amanda, but mostly Damien.
I love you too, honey. You are an amazing girl, my lack of ability to interact with you has nothing to do with you, I have never had anyone who needed me in my entire life, I was selfish to not even think about the possibility of you existing, there were periods of time when Rei, your mother and I, I am sorry, I am new at this whole thing….
There were periods we did not speak, and even though you came out perfectly, I know that during this period of time your mother was using and was not of clear mind. I knew nothing of your existence before I met you. I still know very little about it. I think your mother knows more because she doesn’t think I can handle it. I am so happy you exist, you are the light of my life and I wouldn’t be able to see past my own hands on this keyboard if it weren’t for the existence of you. You made me see what I was doing, how I was destroying your mother, and have taught me so much more about forgiveness than I have ever thought possible. I love you, sweetie. I am terrible at showing it. I am avoidant because I am having a hard time.
This has nothing to do with you. I am hoping I can get your mother to show you this because I don’t want to ask you to read something on here. I am extremely ashamed of the hard life we gave you because of our horrible choices. I am working my hardest to progressively fix all the havoc, I am just very bad at this.
I will do anything I can to make it up to you every day of my life going forward. I do not want to fail you ever again in the way we did before or any other way.
I love you hunny.
Please forgive me.
The late hours of the night are so much more peaceful now, thank you God.
I am so grateful to be sitting here, able to get up without people thinking I am going into the bathroom to fire heroin into my arm, I am thankful they are seeing a change in me, because I want so bad for my existence to cause no more pain on this planet, than it already has, thank you God and to anyone who has helped me in any of this.
I am elated to be in the quiet of my house with my family sleeping soundly instead of killing themselves of me killing me, and me being pissed because I think they are being selfish for not wanting my arms to stop being covered with sleeves in the summer when I hate long sleeves but I am cold all the time, no longer.
I am so grateful for this. I am able to type right now instead of having a bed time like a child because I am no longer in a shelter.
I am so happy.
I realized I answered this wrong before, so like I usually do, making everything about my whole look at me I was homeless, and unique ****. I hate when I am a millennial stereotype blaming everything for my ridiculousness, and I think my last post personified the bad attitude of my entire generation, which is why I re-answered as above. This question was not another opportunity to provide some sort of lamenting about resentment and my past and whatever…
I put the above because
I can’t see clearly without them. I can’t see anything clearly with them anyway, but it is even worse without them. I am even more self centered when I can’t see, because I don’t have to pay attention to anything I don’t want to focus on.
This gives me the ability to construct my own reality which I am great at doing, and I am making every effort I can, to stop.
It is important for me to maintain eye contact to not distance and alienate myself through constructing illusions to hide behind, the glasses humanize people because they make me realize they are human beings, and important because they have eyes.
Like I said, I was being a **** using the strict definition of live on purpose as an arrogant I am better than everyone gesture, which kicks no one in the face but me, screaming at the top of my lungs I am better than you because I have suffered more, is stupid, and helps no one.
This computer is providing me with the ability to process this stuff and forcing me to have to look in the mirror, when I am being an *** and be accountable for what I say, by it not being able to be erased by a bad memory or my own stupid excuses.
It has helped me realize things that I would not have realized without it.
I am truly thankful for all the interaction on this site in particular, that has saved my life. I owe this site a lot, and by that I mean Word Press.
3. I put the book because meetings are not an object and the book helps me a lot too, when I can’t get to meetings, this is to serve as a mental note as well, because I have to buy another one, I burned mine. For survival, while in the woods, drinking whiskey… so I lied because I was being a jerk.
I have to go to the doctor in a few hours for the stupid infection on my knee and I feel like they are going to cut my leg off because I am happy right now, which is the first time I have ever been able to genuinely say that ever. I don’t really think that, my psychotic desire for control is just making my mind do back flips for the circus of madness. I like that metaphor it makes me think of light up tigers, which would be amazingly cool.
I really have to learn to do that release control thing, so I can be less… crazy. It is really hard though, because something about it makes me feel weak and I hate that because it is embarrassing… I don’t seem to know how to spell words that have to do with humiliation or humility…. haha except that one…
I am kind of glad I am insane sometimes because it means there are always two of me suffering instead of one, so I always have company. Bam.