I just got back from hanging out with my dad, and it is cool how different things are now that I am trying to makes things right, I talked to him about all the chaos that I caused, continue to cause because I am prone to delusions, and how sorry I am. I noticed that saying things like this keep me from drinking, keep me coming back to a place, where I can stop beating myself up and are making it possible for me to walk out of the woods where I kept taking the wrong path on purpose and falling in random holes because I thought I was going to find secret gold in rocks I found on the ground.

I think the metaphor for drug addiction and eating rocks and drinking poison instead of doing the simple thing of eating food and drinking water is hilarious. I can’t believe how much my thinking has changed. It’s funny I was convinced everyone is out to get me when this is more true…

Them

Meth

Same word re-arranged…

Item

Time

Same word re-arranged.

Heroin

Hero in pushed together it forms a drug

Divided it references a hero in me

Heroine with an everlasting e it makes me a hero for saving my own life.

Funny right?

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I admire the ability of the generations before mine had to find the humor in a world of chaotic violence, death, war and ever present small joys. I think that is why they were so much better than my generation at handling the bad things life dished out and they weren’t labeled the ME generation of shouting self assertion that I come from. I am in every way a characterization of this misery driven self asserting screaming that is my misery plagued generation, but I admire those before me now, because they are happier than me, and that is because they know better, and have lived longer. I think that is one of the things that is getting lost, a reverence and respect for the generations before, that is so sadly missing now.

I am seeing this in the treatment of veterans as well, whatever you believe about war, these people, are some of the best people I have ever met in my life, and my generation’s lack of admiration for someone who would give their life for other’s is astonishing…

I do not understand it. I am trying to though being in meetings with some of these people obtain any knowledge from these individuals because their knowledge and unique perspective will not be there when they are gone, and it is to be treasured and valued for the unique perspective, and I am forever thankful I realized this and got back into recovery before they were gone.

Later

Damien/Amanda

Narcissism at its finest woo! Now I get to feel like **** for a bit as a punishment for vanity.

I am an idiot.

I am also insane-ly

LIAR LIAR

Shut up, ****

Good at self-pity isn’t it pretty?

No.

I am the flowing go of white snow.

No.

I feel like I am going to throw up and thinking about drugs makes it worse so I do it more?

Mental illness at it’s finest

I guess… fine with me because it has to be I guess..

Or it is so it is.

Acceptance.

On a side note, does anyone find it slightly disturbing that a plane has an area called cockpit?

I am listening to the news and just realized the horror in that phrase.