Fighting on Goddesses

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That is all.

I am dumb

Look at me

I am dumb

I can’t see

Just spilled soup all over my hands, so obviously that is everyone else’s fault not mine… hahahaahahah.

Guess who is still winning….

Resentment? Pride?

Jab. Ow. You got me. I was trying to talk to you anyway.

I am glad, I was having fun watching you burn yourself, and felt bad about it.

I am green with envy

I am green with sickness

I am green

I am mean

I am coming undone

I am no fun

I am sickness

I am addict.

I relate humility and humiliation, a lot because I always did. The root words are similar, and for me, until today actually they appeared to be the same thing, forced bowing, like someone had conquered me, or something… the spirit of the Spanish Conquerer, someone said something to me about my name and that. It hurt… but so does someone saying I have brown eyes, because everything hurts my feelings.

I was listening to someone say that I have to do a fearless moral inventory, and the thing is… I don’t know what the **** that even means because for me morality has always been enforced with fear, Spanish Catholic superstition.

It is funny, I was cleaning with Diane when the spider incident happened, and she got mad, and I think it was partly because she believed the spider to not be real, and even if it wasn’t what different does it make? I saw it, so even if it was unreal or real, is it any more okay or not okay if it is or isnt? I made a loud sound because I was genuinely afraid in that moment, of something I thought I saw.

https://tao-talk.com/2023/03/14/dverse-poetics-and-tanka-tuesday-311-variegated/

var·i·e·gat·ed


adjective

exhibiting different colors, especially as irregular patches or streaks.
“variegated yellow bricks”
BOTANY
(of a plant or foliage) having or consisting of leaves that are edged or patterned in a second color, especially white as well as green.
“the variegated form of philadelphus”

Dictionary.com

I am var·i·e·gat·ed

Spaced this way, as an admission

My admission that, though I am a narcissist

I do not know everything.

I am var·i·e·gat·ed

I am growing through admissions that like a plant, I am varied, growing and admitting that it is not weak to do so.

Thank you to WordPress for my continuation of a journey away from suicide.

Damien and Amanda.

A variegated soul in transition through photos, sound, expression and love.

I am growing in the sunlight of the love of this community that has responded so kindly to my honest admissions that I am an ***.

Damien/Amanda

I have been a basket case all day, up and down and up and down. I am so exhausted, that I just can’t do this anymore. I am resolving now to try and move on. I am accountable for everything I did. I know this, but I don’t think suicide is the answer, or rather I know it is not. I can’t do that to those around me, and I have been driving myself in the opposite direction today. A lot of what I have posted today, has to do with me flipping out because there are no meetings today, so even though I have my family… I am very much alone in my own head until Sunday, church helps me. I don’t know why I have to do this to myself. I am driving myself crazy, and I don’t have to, but my brain does it anyway. I am really starting to think I need professional help. I am getting my other affairs in order and then I think I am going to start going to therapy.

I have finally reached a point where I can safely admit I am no longer able to do this with the resources I have, as helpful as they have been. I can’t keep doing this to myself because it is painful for those around me to watch. I keep trying but then my bipolar defunct brain keeps sending me back and forth and it is maddening. I am a lot of the time incapacitated by my own inner demons. I wish I could stop, but I think it may be time for me to admit I need professional help.

I just hope I can do this.

I am so tired of the back and forth hellish roller coaster I have been on.

I don’t want to do this like this anymore. I am sorry to anyone who worries about me. I am trying really hard.

Love,

Damien

The late hours of the night are so much more peaceful now, thank you God.

I am so grateful to be sitting here, able to get up without people thinking I am going into the bathroom to fire heroin into my arm, I am thankful they are seeing a change in me, because I want so bad for my existence to cause no more pain on this planet, than it already has, thank you God and to anyone who has helped me in any of this.

I am elated to be in the quiet of my house with my family sleeping soundly instead of killing themselves of me killing me, and me being pissed because I think they are being selfish for not wanting my arms to stop being covered with sleeves in the summer when I hate long sleeves but I am cold all the time, no longer.

I am so grateful for this. I am able to type right now instead of having a bed time like a child because I am no longer in a shelter.

I am so happy.

Thank you.

Damien

I almost threw up when I read this.

Click me

This link explains in more detail the meaning of the name Diane, and you can feel free to check it out and draw your own conclusions, I am not sure what I think yet. I don’t the narrator is either. This is written in inspired stream of consciousness if you can’t tell yet. I get information as she does, and vice versa. I wonder if I am writing her story in a universe where she is the main character on my blog.

Nice panic attack right, Amanda?

How do you like me now?

Ouch. Tiny heart attack. Thanks.