I liked being present all day, instead of being a voice in your head if that is what you mean..

You always have to respond in that way, don’t you.

What with sarcasm? Yes, I do respond with sarcasm, but not always, ***hole.

You are a jerk.

No, neither of us is a jerk, and I love you, by the way.

Um… okay.

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How peculiar

I met her near a bridge, she was going to work, she spotted me underneath the bridge, picking up the rest of my stuff, so no one would know I had camped there for the night. If I was careful, sometimes I could use the same spot twice. This was particularly important in Oregon, because it was not as understanding as California, and shop owner’s or random passersby could help police decide to banish the unhoused travelers.

Do you still think what you thought about her?

Yes. I still find it very strange that her name was Bridgette and we met her underneath a bridge.

Look, I know that is peculiar, but what you thought was insane.

I don’t think it is that insane that people were following us and giving quickly devised names, it is a perfectly logical explanation that you see in old movies all the time.

I guess that makes sense.

I am finally coming to a place in my head, where I realize that I am not going to continue the very toxic behavior I have continued my whole life, the bounce back and forth between love and hate the universe, my fault their fault thing. I am accountable for my actions yes, but I am finally coming to a place where I can say, if you don’t like me get away from me, very freely, and without negativity or resentment. I am doing what it is best for me, my feelings are all very real, I am just insane so I am prone to astral projecting the future.

Okay now that I got that out of the way.

I think I am going to start trying to figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. I am not sure what that even means, I like the writing again, I used to do this as a child, but fell off the face of the earth when it comes to doing anything productive for 15 years. I am trying to get my life to a place where I can take care of my own needs without having to commit crimes to eat and pay for a place to live, like I said before all very real, this is all actually happening, this is where both me and Amanda are, I am just where she wants to be people wise. I am how she sees herself later with who she sees herself later with.

Damien

I am not a miss spelling, not there either, baby

I am lame, but maybe I am trying to tell you something

Something true.

I am a sham, a sea gull named life’s last stand, inserted into dying human being.

Listen to me…

Pressing the stressing dressing of the never resting meth head who head is dressed with never rest through pained dressed dance with thoughts of life spent on death

Cash spent on passing glass that reflects life lost or tossed in trash through battery acid soaked lash that hurts so bad it stings my soul or reeking creaking pain hole full of nothing but sin, so I look to Him because I am bad as bad as can be, I am blind man and woman, so arrogant there are two of me. I am in love with self so much I write letters of love to me. You have seen me do it. Do you think that is fun, being that meth spun you spend your life staring into the eyes of yourself hell bent on being anything other than me and feed

feed me drugs, I am a dirty rug,

I am walk on me, baby, I am crazy and will flip out if you do the wrong thing

I am to be feared because I reek of sin, and the only way out is

Trust in Him.

God is my only answer that is a cure to my death ridden soul.

Which reminds me of the scene in Home Alone when the kid is screaming at the guy, that he is not afraid anymore. I really am happy about this. I am also happy that she can look me in the eyes and I didn’t realize she couldn’t until she actually did it. I think it may have killed me if I had realized she couldn’t look me in the eye while she couldn’t look me in the eyes.

I just realized I have two eyes.

Sweet.

Her mother seems like she likes me more now, which is cool. I can tell because she sleeps next to me now, and notices if I am not there, and on rare occasions… yes I can’t spell that word either, because things don’t occur to me I think… I used to just make things up.

Anyway, on rare occasions Rei has slept next to me out here, which makes me feel bad, because I should just go to bed, so she doesn’t have to do that. I just don’t sleep as much as normal people because I am insane?

Is that it?

This helps me.

I think that’s it. I am really happy, for the first time in my life. I am really really happy, and I am starting to realize that is strength not weakness, that the life I have which is very real to me, and real for Amanda in that it is her hopes and dreams.

Rei told me she loved me the other day, which we don’t usually say to each other unless we are fighting, and it made me cry in front of her, which was horrible… sort of, but she hugged me and it felt like she was pulling me out of an internal fire that I have been running from my whole life.

I finally don’t feel like I am running anymore, and I don’t think my friend is going to destroy my life or that I am going to destroy hers. I think I might be able to be happy because I am seeing clearly.

I hate my disgust at mental progress. I was just thinking about %^$**&^ drugs because all this really scares me.

I don’t want to lose what I have because this time, I can’t blame anyone but me. I can’t be a negative voice anymore, and that scares me to the depths of my being.