I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
Tag: invisible friend
I am reading a book about taking advice that I give other people, the author suggested that I write a letter to you, my younger self. This is odd for me, because when I was you I used to write to me. I am glad you are who you are, because you being who you are has made me, us, who we are.
I need little water, I am very relisiant, painted with colors, to look like I am brilliant.
Thank you for saying that, I always think you think you are better than me.
I am a doll house, I glow in the dark.
I am painted with re-touch, with light bright for those afraid of the light stark.
I never say that, I say that I am glad I am who I am, which I owe to you.
Again, thank you.
You are very welcome, and thank you for growing up, and realizing we are us.
I love you like the sun loves flowers, how the rain loves the soil, I love you forever and ever, and hope you never forget this, with you reality is just like this, the kiss of pure bliss.
She was a gardener with beautiful flowers, she grew flowers of Joy, they grew in an un-fenced area, and were aided by methods she did employ.
Flowers grew there freely, and were open to the light of the sun, they were not fenced in, and were in site and in sight for everyone.
She did not fence in her flowers, as that would hamper the sun, the sons of man and of woman, as her flowers were for everyone.
Did he give you the cold shoulder?
My icy shoulder warms for you.
You are really creepy.
I am not, she warms my shoulder, with her nice eyes.
I touched your face with vanity, the loving glow of insanity.
She was perfect and you put make-up on her.
I like to ruin the things I admire.
It makes them insecure like me.
Women are not things.
Oh, yeah right.
You are such an ***hole.
You make me so happy, you make me so… actually, I forgot… I am no longer that way…
I am battered, I am fried, I am toasted, I am dyed, I am chasing after I, I am screaming after guy, I am chaos of nearly died, I am seering poke in eye.
You are insane, and lying now.
I know, but at least I made you smile, so whatever.
How are you?
I am afraid.
I am too, and I don’t know why.
I don’t either. I am afraid too.
I always get afraid at night. I think it might be memories of having to find a place to sleep at night or maybe from when we were young and had to get surgery… maybe the finger surgery… probably all 3…
I think it is a combo of the three. I think it is everything bad that has ever happened to us, combined with the feeling of being alone, please don’t leave me alone all the time, please talk to me still. Please talk to me still.
I will. I am sorry.
Yeah it does, and you were never a skinny narcissist.
OoO sick burn.
No, dufus, you were always my friend.
What you don’t like being my friend now?
No, I am just not used to kindness.
You deserve that one, who made me look like an abusive ex-boyfriend??
You did actually…
Yeah dufus. I am just in charge now, because you can’t keep doing this to yourself.
I get it, thank you. I am glad you won.
I am glad you won too.
Why do you say it like that?
I didn’t win, this is what you wanted remember?
Well, yeah. It is what I wanted.
Then why is it that I won?
I like cop-outs.
I noticed, I am used to being the bad guy.
You do it so well.
So do you. 😛
Explanation: Fictional life of future self, because I am hurt, broken, and need fake reality to love me, more than I love myself. I am so alone right now, I need fake things. I am sorry.
I have been debating how to present this, now that I have revealed it again as fiction. I am an adult with paranoid schizophrenia, who created Misery for me as a reality that I exist in as future me, with my daughter Joy. Fiction or my hopes and dreams.
I am so glad you gave me this back Amanda, thank you.
Sometimes we need to do things for ourselves that may not make sense to others, take it or leave it.
I am sitting on my floor in a place that was given back to me. I am alone, but it is coming back to me..
I feel like crying because thank you, god. Let me just think about this because it makes me feel better. I am so sorry it does, it is lies I tell myself because I am so alone.
In this universe… I have people, or one, not no one.
I need that… I am sorry.
I am sitting on a floor in my house and transported back to Misery now.
I can pretend she is the next room if I want to. I don’t want to be alone anymore, please don’t let me alone anymore.
Misery Loves company.
I am sitting in a motel in Misery, crying on a dog bed, and my daughter is the next room, because I am insane and need this to be real but fake but real but fake. ____________________________________________________________________________
I have spent the day crying because I don’t know what to do, I was alone because I was ignoring people I created to feel not alone. I am going to go back to pretending they are real.
I am sitting on a dog bed, and I can finally hear her breathing again, which means it is okay for her to be real again to me, because I am real but need the comfort of being unreal at night when I am so alone.
I can finally hear you breathing again, and it means my best friend didn’t kill you off in her imaginary life that is my life too, or a story about redemption.
Fiction- future manifestation-
She hasn’t talked to me all day, because I yelled at her, I yelled at her because I was having a bad day, and she was having a bad day, I spent the day alone, sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I am real, Joy is not, but joy is real to me. So Joy can be real for now, because otherwise I might die alone, because I can’t deal, you don’t have to understand, just let me have this…
She touches my shoulder and I am alright for a second. She walks into the next room and I can hear her breathing, and I thank everything in the universe that I am back in Misery with my fake life for now.
I am dying inside. I am so sad. I need something.
I like someone being in the next room. Please come back,
He came to me many times throughout my life, starting at seven years old, he was always the same age, 38. He must have done something at 38 that got to him, and he got stuck there, and paced through life stuck there, inter-dimensional time traveling ghost of Christmas future that he was, he showed me how to be everything that I am. We were thick as thieves and thieves as well. It is a very clever device to get whatever you want, all the devices he taught me, I mean. He is skilled with words, and I admired that, being a writer myself, but he was man, and had the appearance I wish I had myself, but I did not find myself attracted to him in the traditional way.
I want to hide away in the back of a cave At the top of a mountain Where no one can hear me and no one can see me So I don't have to deal with them And they don't have to deal with me
Days N Daze, “Misanthropic Drunken Loner”
I was attracted to him sure, in the way a moth is drawn to flame, and for the longest time, I chased after this, burning my heart with the hot hands of bad men, not knowing I was hunting my own self, seen through the mirror of other dimensional Damien de Soto. He was me and I was in love with myself, and the selfish pursuit of the things that made this an easier admission. I cared nothing for the human beings I robbed, tricked, lied to or manipulated, they were simply devices for spare changes that in their mental sparring with my soul, cut deeply into my ideas that I resembled anything that could be called even close to human at all. I was so in love with him because he was me, and I desired to be him.
So that is who I became.
I am not that thing anymore, do you still like me now?
More than ever. You have discovered with me that true strength is in love.
Hey, that is mean..
I know, but I thought it would get you to talk to me.
Jerk. Fine, here.
I am fine.. I am fine. I am fine. Everything is just ******* peachy. I can’t even feel things anymore lest I resurrect demon. Everything is my ******* fault. I can’t have a genuine response. I am not allowed to.
Geez. You can, just think of the effect on the other people.
I am. That is all I am thinking about right now, I am just going to not do anything, anymore. I am the… I sound like such..
Yeah, I know.
Thanks, I need that.
Well aren’t you?
I don’t know, I always thought I was your invisible best friend who everyone hated?
You are that too, love you.
The banana I was eating looks really weird, It had this bark like brown spot on it, I am not sure if I like it anymore.
I like you.
I am glad, because now I like myself again.
I dug the bad part out of the banana, the whole thing is not bad, just the bad part, it’s gone now. I can eat the rest of it, I don’t have to throw the whole thing in the trash. I like bananas. It would be a shame to waste something that was made by God.
Co-dependency is my tendency
It’s not codependency if you’re talking to you, that’s called schizophrenia.
So hard it makes you cry,
Because I am afraid that I will die
If you don’t pay attention to me and you’re me don’t you see.
I am afraid that you don’t and that some day you won’t so I simply must say
I am standing here till you say
Go the &^%* away.
I want to torture you, to make sure everything you do
Is painful, writhing and a broken leg
So that you’ll stay with me and beg
Please don’t leave ‘cuz I can’t walk, I am so bored, so please can’t we talk?
I need to hurt you don’t you see
I am codependency.
No you’re not your me
You are lying and fool
You speak of nothing but pure folly
I am done being melancholy
So come and sit down and please be nice
I don’t need to fight or engage in vice
We can simply talk and not argue or cuss
You do not need make such a fuss.
I am still struggling with it, I am used to being alone all the time.
Haha. You get frustrated when you can’t be alone too?
I am not that much like you.
Yes, you are, because you are half me and half you.
That is only half. I am the good half.
So I am fully bad?
You realize that was mean and you just insulted yourself.
I think it’s cool that I can see you sometimes when we smoke the vape at the same time.
You know why that is?
Because we used to get high at the same time.
So that means every time we got high we were killing each other.
Good use of poetic metaphor.
Or the reality of realizing you are killing your friends whenever you use with them..
Just because certain things I say make me feel good saying them doesn’t mean I am pompous or a jerk.
So you don’t think you are a pompous jerk?
No, don’t get me wrong, I know I am… I am trying, man. I don’t know what it is that I am doing when I do that but, I can tell what I am doing after I do it.
I am not sure if I just insulted you or not, like in an uncalled for way..
What do you mean?
I think I may have just said, every time you feel good about yourself you are a pompous jerk.
That’s what I thought…
You’re only hurting yourself.
I think I am going to have one side of me be male, one side of me be female, kind of like two-face, except a super hero not a villain. I think that would solve all the problems I have.
Actually I kind of do too, and then you could lure people who are trying to enslave women to dark corners and be like do you want some sugar? And then clock them in the eye and be like “I only have half and half, that’s my name, *^&%.
Or you could dress up as a cow and paint blood on you reading don’t drink milk. It kills.
I like that one better.
It’s weird. I am starting to realize he level of noise that existed in my own head, because the mornings recently have been insanely or maybe I should say sanely.. okay good that’s a word.. I don’t have to writhe in immature agony over using a non-word. Anyway, I am happy Amanda has the same peace, because now we can both let each other have peace and talk to each other like friends, instead of pretending there is a problem to wake the other one up.
I think this has translated into the rest of my life as well, because my family actually like me, instead of just dealing with me. I think the same goes for Amanda as well. I can tell. I watch her while she sleeps.
Not like that, weirdo.
I know. I just wanted to point out that you are weird when you say things like that, so that you don’t say them to other people.
Same goes for you.
I said it first.
Meh. Meh. Meh.
I heard that.
You mean you typed it.
We typed it.
The royal we.
The king and king of insanity.
Two kings can’t exist in one head.
That’s why I have my own body now, jerk.
I like your daughter by the way, she’s coming out okay.
Thanks? She’s not a cake. That sounded really weird.
No offense taken, because I don’t care what anyone thinks anyway.
Yes, you do.
No I don’t. I actually care more than anyone I know if I am being honest.
I know. I have always known that. Does your kid go to school, by the way? You never mentioned that.
She’s does online school, because I think that’s better than me teaching her, because I don’t know anything.
Other than how to be a jerk.
And how to play really cool jokes on people.
I make weird art and put it places sometimes. Like I am painting these paintings of chickens and donating them to a thrift store and seeing if they end up in weird photos.
No because they suck, which is why I am donating them to a thrift store instead of using them to make money.
You are actually a decent person.
So are you.
Good night. Tell your daughter and Rei I love them too.
Okay. I will talk to you tomorrow. I promise.
Like strange deja vu.
Hey I made this for you. To show you I am not just an illusion of the men who hurt you. I just sound like them sometimes, because I am dumb.
vu with the virtue removed right, Damien?
Place keeping, again? You like me so much you want to be me, that is every imaginary friends dream.
No, that is the backstory of everyone else’s imaginary friend only schizophrenics have imaginary friends who want to kill them.
I don’t want to kill you. I like you. I always have.
I don’t mean it like that, I like you because you make me like myself enough to become a real person instead of a lying jerk, who lurks in the chaos of invisibility.
That was very thoughtful, but also very arrogant sounding.
That’s the best way to say things, just the right touch on condescending, 50’s style because I am classy, baby.
You are disgusting.
I live in your head.
Not anymore, and now that just sounds like you are still crazy. Be a good person and do the right thing.