Self-burn, ouch, got yourself.

It is you I am talking to. I said half.

There is no such thing, we are the same human, we just talk to each other, with the same hands.

Ouch.

I sing

Swans mate for life, am I told this is true.

So I think of a my life, and how I was with you.

I am not sure, if this is true for us, too.

I put me in a box for so long, so I would not be myself.

I put me in a box with needle, spoon, and bottle on shelf, now I represent me with a swan, because maybe I can be something else, no longer just an addict with love affair with destruction and bottles on shelf.

I am not sure if I was supposed to be with you.

Now I am alone, and I feel sometimes it is for life, because I have PTSD and our break-up cut me, like a knife, but there is a part of me that wonders if it is true, that like a swan, I was destined only for you, and now that we are apart, I should be alone, destined only for nothing, just the idea of alone.

I am not sure, if any of that is true, only sure I no longer like you, you ripped out my heart and made me realize I no longer like men.

Maybe there is another swan, and I was never supposed to be with you to begin with, maybe there is another swan for you, as well.

At this point, I hope that is true, two different swans for both of us, I am sorry Rei, I am sorry I hurt you in any way I hurt you, I am sorry, and I hope you find your swan, I am sorry I hurt your feelings.

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I am fine, why?

You haven’t talked to me all day, that’s why.

I know, I was insulted by the universe earlier.

The universe insulted you? That sounds pretty narcissistic.

The universe thought so too.

That’s really corney.

I know, but I have that 70’s song in my head.

Me too.

I know that already. I feel better after sleeping, how about you?

Yes.

You are a jerk.

So are you.

Though I am small, on closer look, I am off the hook, I have everything I need, from the air to breathe, a planted seed, which brings forth my life, and the nutrients in the ground, brought by beings of sound mind.

I am tiny

I am a plant, and used to live in a garden, with my friends, I was placed one day, when they ripped me out, in a bulb, without any roots, a bulb, that was not one that grows, but instead of those for lamps.

I do not know, how or why, just fear that one day I may die, there is not rain or sun in here, so I know one thing, quite clear, I depend on those around, those in the realm that uses sound.

They cannot hear me because I can’t scream, so I hope, and sometimes dream in waves, I hope they get me the water and light I crave.

I then discover it comes right through, and that they know what they do, the soil here, has nutrients, too.

The bridge over Hell, is frequented by many who live to tell, they come often, and stare down, and do not smile, and do not frown, the simply stare at the ground, and make sure always to keep eyes to ground, never looking up nor to the side, but deep inside their own souls, because inside burn holes, which hurt and ache, and are the reason they stare down, and do not smile, and not frown, but only meditate on death, and think about the lives they left, and it is Hell that preformed the theft.

I am frequented by all those lost, who ignore the idea of cost, for the sensation of toss, of hurling, and of whirling down, and love the sensation of pound and down.

I am sought by those who pretend and defend the act of loss of soul and act of bend and defend.

Look not at me, but at yourself, I am just defense of myself.

Luminance

Did you lose your focus, baby?

Sadness Has a Way Out

Yes, I did because I am ****ing insane.

I am your brain on… resentment, just like drugs, but not very ****ing fun, but, oh so entertaining aren’t I?

No, you are just a lunatic talking to yourself.

You are so very negative.

You are the one talking to yourself, ***hole.

I love having your voice in my head.

It is my head.

No, it is our head.

No, it is Amanda’s and my head. You are a visitor, who they say is unwelcome, you just come to talk to me, because we are such good friends, and since we don’t want drugs anymore, you are no longer useful resentment.

Ouch.

I am getting good at this, baby. You can leave now.

I brought you a flower, it is nothing.

It is picked from the middle of nowhere, or from nothing.

I mean I can’t remember who you are and was walking, and you are looking at me like you know me, and began talking, and I am holding this, so it must be for you right, and I am sorry, because I no longer have any idea who you are, and this will likely only last a couple minutes, something must have happened that bothered me, and I blanked it out, and now I don’t remember, so here is a flower.

She must have hurt your feelings, this is exactly what happens when people make you cry.

I know this, but I don’t remember why, so it is okay for now. I am just going to forget about it for now.

You should find out why.

I painted you with technicolor

With re-touch I touch things I love, it makes me feel something, like for a second, for a moment, I am above, my life, and have some kind of power, over my powerlessness, for one hour I am no longer less, and life is sour, I feel less devoured, even if it is just for one hour.

Over and over, I admit to being beyond you, that is what I am told over and over, I am supposed to do, but what about my happiness, am I to be forever constricted and forced to be up all night?

Please to everything that is higher than me, I desperately want to find my place in life, where I can be doing something to help bring about my independence, and helping others in some way while doing this, please help me find this?

I’m lonely, and dealt with a lot of dark memories today, so I am writing dark fiction all day, because **** my life.

I appreciated you going to the meeting with me this time.

That’s a first.

I know, memory is not that bad of a thing.

Says the inner child, that forces half its personality to be an adult, and also the villian of their own story, which is really just the horrors of living on the street as an addict.

I’m sorry, okay?

Thank you.

Are you sorry for anything?

Everything.

That’s very specific…

Isn’t it?

What do you mean?

That was sarcastic and not a question.

I am unnoticed

Hot air balloon that flies over HELL, below are those who do not even notice, beyond anything that spells their pain and suffering, they cannot see, they are slaves to their sweet misery, they live in resentment, and cannot look up, this is the state in which they are stuck.

In the muck and the mire, they worship fire, which belongs so sweetly, to their own pain, their lack of restraint, so when something flies over, that can save them from themselves, they are not watchful, looking only

AHEAD AND

DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

SYMMETRICAL

My soul burns for you baby, you make me so ****ing happy.

I have been silent all day, because I don’t know what to say, how about you.

I got as much as you, which is nothing.

So long version of saying, ‘I got nothing!’.

Yep.

Done talking about horror all day.

You make me laugh.

I like pain, I like pain, I like pain.

It is always on my……..

Have from flowers, from Hell.

So sorry, that is just where I dwell, sometimes, not all the time, really, I am fine, just thinking about you sometimes, not all the time.

You are on my

BRAIN BRAIN BRAIN

In meditative state I reflect on the rain, and think of drowing, a duck with my head up, not breathing, just sucking in the water, and choking on it.

Burn me sweetie, make it hot, burn it so it cures my soul rot. Make it seering, make it jarring, make it burning, make it scarring.

She wore my coat, and I left it with her, because she smelled like lavender, and I wanted to forget her.

You reminded me of the rays of the sun, and that reminded me of someone I would rather

FORGET

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

I am so sorry, wedded to disdain, been with her such a long time, grown so used to being bound to decline, it is always on my mind.

She talks so sweetly sometimes, really, voice sounding so simular, to my ex Rei Clearly,

She tells me she loves me, and sometimes I believe the lie, it is so hard, she is a good spy, has such a good hand, good at act of torture, she is a word sorcerer.

I think it is because most of my life has been accepting I might die of shunt failure, so I became well acquainted with death and pain.

Is that the reason for the name of the site?

The name of the site is me loving my own company, which is me loving talking to you now, not before, but now.

Why not before?

Before, when I talked to you, you sounded like me, this is me beginning to know love, through you.

Love

I love you like the sun loves flowers, how the rain loves the soil, I love you forever and ever, and hope you never forget this, with you reality is just like this, the kiss of pure bliss.

She was a gardener with beautiful flowers, she grew flowers of Joy, they grew in an un-fenced area, and were aided by methods she did employ.

Flowers grew there freely, and were open to the light of the sun, they were not fenced in, and were in site and in sight for everyone.

She did not fence in her flowers, as that would hamper the sun, the sons of man and of woman, as her flowers were for everyone.

You have been largely silent today, Amanda.

I know, because I had a hard time seeing you cry in front of people, and now I have this unsettled feeling that won’t go away. You were always the one who never cried.

I think you are feeling what it feels like for us to be one person, or the closest we have ever come to being fully our two-spirited selves.

I am glad both of us get to be part of your family.

I agree.

done

I am getting on my own nerves, will return later with more positivity, maybe, this is mostly me telling my own self to shut my mouth, nothing to see here.

I am going to church with my father.

Peace.

I guess so, I am thinking about stuff, and just kind of going with what comes to me, and it is mostly resentment. I think it is because there are no weekend meetings.

I think so too. I think you should try to think about something else though.

I am not really chosing to think about these things, they are PTSD flashbacks that come to me, while making graphics.

So make nicer graphics?

Ditto.

Hydrocephalus, how I hate thee.

My head is always below water, that lives around my brain, slowly drowning me in my own disdain, and driving me slowly, insane.

In sickness, with quickness, I am.

In quickness, with sickness, I stand.

I am bound to a form, I am married to a form, I can’t stand.

Heroine, Heroine, where fore art thou, heroine.

I am retired, because my physical form is on fire.

I am on fire because my fire is from a physical form, I loathe, not just for reasons expected, but because of things undetected as of yet.

Heroin, heroin, how I miss thee Heroin.

In sickness, I miss, contents of top shelf.

In, health, I am still in Hell, even though I am told, oh well, you are well, yeah well I feel like ****.

I am going to sleep, how about you?

Me too, come upstairs with me?

Okay.

Cranberries are not dates.

I just thought that was a funny title, I like plays on words. I have been in a *****y mood because of chronic pain, from arthritis in my hands, it runs in my family and is made worse by me typing like a lunatic, and also the amputations of the tip of my thumb, part of my middle and index finger, that is due to heroin, meth and alcohol abuse.

I also have had probably 20 revisions of a VP shunt because I have hydrocephalus, so I am getting used to my normal pain level while not doing meth, heroin or drinking. I have never been sober/clean in my adult life, so I apologize for my continuous neurosis, complaining.

I am a leaf in a box.

I am a leaf in a box.

I am a leaf in a box.

My nerves die places that I want them to not, and the rest of my body is on fire, and I am not allowed to have peace, and I don’t know why?

I glow, Eye Glow

And mysteriously, I am alone, now, and the annoying female screaming voice, that shares my body with me is gone, because she in fact is everything I belief her to be.

What a whiney bitch like you? Is that what you want to say, master of nuerosis? Is that what you need to hear right now??

I need to hear nothing.

Then why are you talking to yourself on a black screen.

I was trying to talk to someone else, who hates you.

Oh, sick burn.

Thank you, Damien.

You’re welcome, Amanda

For once, in my life

Let me be what I want to be

You do not win, you are not free, you live with us, with her and me, you do not win, you are not free. There is not one there are two of us, you do not kill the both of us. You can stay, but so can we.

You have to go.

Why don’t you ask her, honey? Why don’t you, huh? She doesn’t want you.

I don’t want you, and it is my choice who leaves and who stays, it is my mind, I am not her slave. Why do you think you were the voice of resentment?

See, I am not the ****ing bad guy, for ****ing once, it is clear I am not the ****ing bad guy. Thank you.

She is my female street name.

Thank you for clearing that up.

She is also who used to be in love with you, when I was completely insane.

Is that why she sounds like my ex-wife.

Yes. This is all completely insane.

You mean we are completely insane.

Yes.

I think I am fine. I think I might have exhausted myself though, why?

I had a feeling you were going to say that, that’s why.

I am probably just going to pass out after I eat something, are you doing nightshift?

No, I am going to bed with you.

That sounds disgusting.

I know, now I sound like you, so taste of your own medicine.

Even more disgusting. I sound like you, and you sound like me.

What was that?

I can hit below the belt too, that is what that was.

I guess so, thank you.

You’re welcome.

Okay, I guess that is all I have to say.

I am faceless, I am formless, I am forlorn, I am reality scorned, by hating my face, my human forn, I am tearing, wearing, blarring, self-hatred, eating at my own skin, I am resent, everything I am, the skin I am in.

I am screaming chaotic soul tearing of the form I am wearing, and forced to be in. I am loving something higher, but hating me, I am resentment meant specifically at me, I am why won’t she let me be.

You are pathetic, you are weak, you all that….

SHUT THE **** UP. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the one who feels like you are divorced from your own human form???! Do you really? Do you think I am the lucky one? Do you really? I don’t think you do, because if I was you, I would sound just as pathetic as you do.

Ouch.

Yeah, I know I win.

It was good, people seem to like us more now that we aren’t fighting each other for dominance.

So you mean now that you are not trying to be control all the time.

That was you doing that.

True. I thought I could get away with blaming it on you.

The other chick I am sometimes agrees with me.

I know she agrees with you, because we hate each other.

That is because she lost.

I know, and it is wonderful.

This is insane, peace.

Dark reflections

I am good, and you?

I am fine, do you want to go to the appointment, or should I?

You do it, you are better at filling me in than I am at doing it.

I am not even going to say it.

I know, I know, oh and joke on purpose.

We are ridiculous, and most of the things on the page have been borderline ego masturbation.

Borderline?

I think schizophrenia is more appropriate.

Agreed.

How can you grow if you are on top of each other?

I am sitting here and feeling empty, lonely and alone. It is mostly due to time of day, and the fact that I moved locations to a place far from anyone I knew, and very specifically the only you I ever write to, over and over and over and over.

---

In the desert there exist dead trees, that stand next to each other, and I think of us sometimes, how we sucked the life out of each other.

I wonder sometimes, are the trees dead in this image because they were too close to each other, and in that codependency suffocated each other?

Or starved each other for space?

Or deprived access to oxygen and nutrients, due to being too close?

You really suck at titles.

You really suck at titles, too.

I know you are, but what am I?

That doesn’t even make any sense.

We are both being so immature for a second I forgot who was talking.

I like when that happens.

Pages: 1 2

Olivia, Olivia, where are you now?

You were so kind to me, while you lay on the beach, you stopped swimming, and made me realize I could just be me.

Olivia, Olivia, from heaven you came down, and touched my dirty hand, covered in mud, engaged in conflict in act of push and shove. You helped me different, seeing my real face, you helped me realize it was not me I must erase.

You held my hand, and said a silent prayer, demanding nothing and touching my hair, telling me I was not bad, and that people could be mean, I cried while you talked and pretended you didn’t see.

You told me that I could love myself, and make new friends, that all that my other friends said could be put to bed. I thank you Olivia, you helped save my life, you made me realize I need not live in strife.

I am now a different person, partly because of what you said, and now all the dark thoughts are slowly being put to bed.

You really **** at titles.

Why? I want the internet and myself to know what this is about, and that it is not the same narcissistic garbage I usually post.

High five?

Woo! Four hands?

Yeah!

I put all the content of this post in the title.

I know, you are a ****.

I know you are, but what am I?

A ****.

I am fine.

You don’t sound find, you silly ****er.

I know I don’t because I am not. I am really lonely and depressed.

Me too, but you sounded worse than me.

I want us to move on, get over having been a ****y addict and find friends and a girlfriend.

Agreed.

The sun is down, so I am alone again, alone with me, and my best friend, myself, me, and I, so I think about things that make me cry, and afraid of the dark, things I saw while awake, that make me afraid to shut my eyes.

I used to stay up to watch my back, while outside, where animals could attack, and now although I am inside, I am awake still, with eyes that cannot shut, because they look back, and see the woods, glowing with lack of light, and things that bite, I am afraid, in fear I stay, and sleep it does, keep away.

That is why I am glad, of me there are two, because I would die, if not without you.

Thank you, sweetheart, for being there.

Thank you too, I am afraid of the dark too.

It will be okay, just keep your head above water, and it will be okay. You are not doing anything wrong.

I know I am not doing anything wrong, I just have a hard time being in the situations I am in. I am not good at conflict, and a lot of the time I just wish people would leave me alone.

I know, ditto.

My hands hurt. I am tired, and I really want to get high. So basically, I just really want to get high or drunk, but I don’t because I am an ***hole when I get drunk or high.

Too bad, so sad…

You are being a **** too, at least I admit I am doing it.

You did not admit you are doing it, I told you that you were.

I am you, writing on the internet a conversation you are having in our head.

At least we aren’t doing this on a street corner out loud while high.

Yeah, there’s that…

Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

Glowing with posotivity

In a dark room, in the depths of hell, lives an addict with pain that is just swell, or swelling, of the mind of the soul, and also of the brain, which caused them to go insane, and come to think strange thoughts, like I don’t need them, don’t need anything or anyone, anything at

All

They are the ones that are smaller then me, though I am so tiny.

My arms are cut by pin pricked misery, and so I have learned a great skill you see. I can just look in the mirror and talk to

MYSELF, or type it on the internet, or scream at them at the top of my lungs, it is really so much fun, see sweet Ms. Re…. we have just won.

Without you my life is hell, and though I live to tell, I can tell you I am quite unwell, I only talk to myself, and dream of bottles no longer on my shelf, and dirty pinging needles, and rocks that taste like batteries, it is quite sad, being this mad…

I have realized now I am insane, and that it was not my disdain for you that caused me to want to leave you there crying on my arm chair, playing with your pretty dark hair, you are on my brain, my mind, at the tip of my tongue, because I realize that I do not miss being spun as much as I miss fun.

My heart did beat for you once, and became slightly inflamed, fighting narcissism and posion in my veins.

For now I am alone, and maybe someday will bring myself out of myself, and finally use a phone to call someone other than myself.

What is your deal today?

Why?

You have been writing about drugs all day.

I have felt like doing drugs the whole day, so that is what I am writing about.

That sounds productive.

It’s way more productive than doing them, so bite me, and at least I am honest, unlike some people.

Like me?

No, because I am you, and you are just talking to yourself on the internet, on a black screen, because you are a narcissist.

OoO. Sick burn.

**** you.

We used to have a multi-faceted superstitious belief system, we meaning you, not me this time. That certain things would bring about luck, and that these things were to be trusted before even our mental faculties. I wonder now, were you just trying to make me go insane slowly?

I represent a lucky coin.

Don’t look at panhandled money until we are done panhandling

Don’t stay together the whole time.

Split up and double the money.

You were lying to me, so you could steal from me, when I wasn’t looking. If I accused you of doing that, you accused me of having an episode.

Oh, that is healthy, is that how you are supposed to talk to yourself?

Yes, because it is the only way you answer.

That… is very accurate.

I know, that is why I said it.

Nice, thanks.

For what?

For nothing.

I am lonely, I don’t know…. I don’t have anyone new, and I am just lonely.

So think about something else.

I would rather not.

Why?

It helps my stupid ego to remember that someone loved me once.

That is pretty lame.

I know.

How peculiar

I met her near a bridge, she was going to work, she spotted me underneath the bridge, picking up the rest of my stuff, so no one would know I had camped there for the night. If I was careful, sometimes I could use the same spot twice. This was particularly important in Oregon, because it was not as understanding as California, and shop owner’s or random passersby could help police decide to banish the unhoused travelers.

Do you still think what you thought about her?

Yes. I still find it very strange that her name was Bridgette and we met her underneath a bridge.

Look, I know that is peculiar, but what you thought was insane.

I don’t think it is that insane that people were following us and giving quickly devised names, it is a perfectly logical explanation that you see in old movies all the time.

I guess that makes sense.

Pole or I’d

What you thought

What you did

What you thought

What I did

He is a liar

I am away

Forever and ever forgotten forgetter

I hate you Just in time

I am no longer addicted to dimes

I am a lie, I am the truth, I found a way, I am so ruthless, you are a liar, you tried to remove me.

Mother****er.

You are still once in awhile trying to contact me.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I win. I won. I win.

I am vengence, I am rage. I was in a cage, now I am always on a path away from you.

I am not sure why you didn’t come with me, baby. I thought you wanted to go, but you decided at the last minute to stay behind. I think it is okay, you seem to have gone through the same mental changes, so it does not matter that you didn’t go, so don’t feel bad.

I am sorry, I was on pause, I got scared. I was not able to..

To bring yourself to admit weakness? And you thought I was?

You make me so happy, you make me so… actually, I forgot… I am no longer that way…

Which?

I am battered, I am fried, I am toasted, I am dyed, I am chasing after I, I am screaming after guy, I am chaos of nearly died, I am seering poke in eye.

You are insane, and lying now.

I know, but at least I made you smile, so whatever.

I don’t know how else to do this, because it is always hard for me to even hear myself think. I am not writing this for selfish reasons, I am writing this on here to you because I really need your help, I am so sorry, I am so sorry that I resented you my whole life, I am so sorry. I know now that you are not responsible for the negative things that happened to me.

Please help me, please help me find peace and independence, I will do anything I am supposed to, please help me. I just want to live a peaceful life and stay clean and sober. Please help me. I am having a really hard time.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Now I can never forget it again

I know, I know. I don’t know, but please, can I get out of this situation God, please, please, please, will I eventually get some peace? I really need some hope here, I am trying really hard, I just am losing hope that I will ever find happiness.

I am sorry to anyone reading this, this is not supposed to be anything other than a prayer that I am putting on here, please God, please help me, please God, help me.

Damien

You made me cry, is that what you wanted???

Yes, at least you felt something.

Is that all?

Yes.

Oh, so you’re imitating me??

Yes.

Good job.

I am the bad guy, and you just wrote a love poem to heroin.

Yes.

Is that what you really think?

Yes.

You realize you are insane?

Yes.

So this is what it has come to, the one word answer game, so you look good and I look bad?

You are not real.

Dark Reflections

So, I think I remembered why I hate myself.

Oh, did you really? Do you see it clearly now??? Oh, master of the art of never coming down, off the pedestal you placed yourself on????

You realize you live in her soul too, how does that reflect on you, voice that shouts about everything I do, you are part of them too yes, but why do you act like an infestation, a manifestation of everything they are not.

I don’t know maybe it is because I have been shoved and pushed around, any time the two of you needed something so useful during the act of coming down.

Well, where were you after that, after your so selfish caring act? Where do you go when you aren’t being, like you describe, if your pain is not contrived, let me see through your eyes, which are theirs, not your’s, by the way, at least I borrow, not try to take away.

I never did that and you know it.

Yes, you did, you just don’t show it.

How does it feel when it is done to you, huh? Do you like it when it is done to you???

No.

I didn’t think so, you don’t have to be such a miserable ****. You won, for all these years you won. You were always the one who won.

Okay.

That is all you have to say, after all that?? That is all you have to say????

Yes.

I don’t know why that makes me even more mad.

Because you are a *****.

I am not even going to respond to that.

Good, I wanted to shut you the **** down anyway, because all you did was make it easier to get high anyway.

And you don’t think that was all about you?

I think that was all about the three of us.

Point taken.

Fighting on Goddesses

There was a shadow behind you, that I did not recognize every time I looked at you, and I never thought about it before, and even though this is obviously not you, because I would never put a picture of you on the internet, and you were born a guy, so you looked like a guy, the shadow is there, so I used this.

I altered this so I put the shadow there, obviously. I am talking to myself anyway, who cares.

---

Serve me, please, get on your knees, I am addiction, you are my servant, and I am behind all addicts who fake a smile

---

I am holographic, and I glow, with your inability to admit that you are the same as someone who used to love, who became addicted to the act of push and shove

She hurt you so badly, did she really, was it really Rei Clearly?

That’s not even her real name, you dirty liar.

I came for her because I come for all addicts too, I am addiction and I am what lives in you all, she didn’t screw you over, she screwed herself, in a worship act of bottle on shelf, needle and spoon, all for myself.

Sound familiar, it really should, you are a hypocrite with nose of wood.

I am extremely obnoxious

There are two of you which is terrifying, because that makes me think of identical twins, who both hate me.

Colored with laziness, because I don’t care, which is why I am alone.

Or we could do what we did with that one girl we knew. You know the one?

Oh, yeah?

She dated you.

I dated her.

She had our issues too.

Both sides of her, broke up with both sides of us.

I just thought that was funny, because it is like it is saying that it is only 104 days that we have been talking to each other, but it is really only 104 days that I have been doing it on wordpress.

Instead of on street corners, in alley ways, in front of my family, in bathrooms, and in the shower?

Yeah, exactly.

The best thing about it, is that I can now keep track of who is talking.

Character development on both sides.

Yeah, totally.

I am the chicken and you are the egg.

Other way around.

How would that work?

I am a chicken that was birthed through a process that looked sort of like what happened in a movie about an alien.

That sounds really funny, so funny, I almost laughed.

Me too.

You’re welcome, I am usually the one saying that to you, so now you got a taste of your own medicine, and got to be the bad guy for once. How did it feel?

Like I was sitting back and listening to you talk, but I was actually present in my own body, having to experience me talking, and be completely coherent during it.

Hahaha! So, it is not easier being me, now is it?

Actually, wrong, it was being you than it would be being me, if it was me, I would not have been there at all, the fact that I am you was the only reason I was able to deal with any of it.

Thank you, I don’t know what to say about that.

Really? Thank you is all you have?

Amazing isn’t it?

No, actually, a thank you is kind of nice.

You know how insane this whole process is right?

Yeah, was just thinking the same thing.

Maybe, other people do this in their own heads.

I don’t think so.

I was just trying to make my own self feel better.

Yeah, your own self.

You are my own self.

You are my own self too.

That is a very insane thing to say.

I love you so much

I painted with dark

I love you so much, you are the color of my heart.

Darkness, darkness, my lovely life, you are so

wonderful, so ascending, never impending, always transcending, always exploding with joy, joyous, joyous, open mouth, screaming with openness, light casting shadow on all the dark

I am darkness. I am shadow.

I am swallowed. I am gone. I am theft of night’s life. I am silent song. I am death of chaos, I am end of night long.

Death of quiet, begins a song.

Color me with madness

Color me dark

Color me with darkness

Color my heart

I am madness screaming please end joy, joy is chains to  human who employs, my misery.

I am melting paint by number

I am melting paint by number and I have got yours

I am paint by number recolored because I don’t  listen to instructions

She was so beautiful, she was so nice,

Surely, surely,

You must know

That all I ever wanted was to go

I ran cross country

Alone at a last

You will never find me

kiss my ***

she was so pleasant, she was a plot device, she was a tool, she was a wrench, she was wench,

I am awkward pause.

she was a whore, now forever she rests. I put her to bed, now it is said, her name was something else that I have not yet said, and surely I won’t because he reads this now, and I don’t care about him and he needs to figure that out.

Don’t be afraid of me, I don’t give that much of a **** about you, you are spineless woman beater. I am no longer the person you hit, now I am the person who doesn’t give a ****.

I was just going to lie to you.

I know.

I was going to tell you, I tried my hardest to not be a complete **** all day.

I know.

I had a really hard time.

Me too, it was actually nice to see you fail, because I failed too.

I am not even going to say the very obvious.

I know we are the same person.

I am the…

You are not the better version.

There is no better version.

That is because we both ****

I am okay with that.

This is for you, baby

I am in love with the sun, apparently, I like that it burns me.

I love your UV rays, hurt me baby please, bring me to my knees, I am begging you please, oh please kill me, I am so in love with my own disease.

I love to exist in decline. I am resigned to

SICK

MIND

In bind with time, I sit in

D

Clin

ING

Spinning freely

You are such an idiot.

I know, but I am writing this for you, because I LOVE

You are just making an *** of yourself.

I don’t care, I am just writing love letters to myself in public, so of course I am making an *** of myself.

Disorder personality, how do I reassemble thee?

Why do you care?

Because I hate it when people stare at me.

Then why are you making an *** of yourself online?

Point taken.

I love you baby, you drive me crazy

So we are doing this again?

Yeah, we are. We best friends. I love you over, and over, and over again. Hahahahaha!

You know this is just ego stroking right?

I know it is, and it makes me feel better.

Everyone outside this screen likes us better as us not just me and not just you.

I think I did fine by myself.

I think you did better than me.

I know I did better than you.

***hole.

Tell me a story….

Following Me

Forever walking on solid ground

The lights, the lights, the lights

Sometimes, at times, in times, all the time, always and forever, they

I am the green machine

I am envy

I am mean

I am looking at all you lack

I am condescending soul attack

Blend together, not the right word, I am so unheard, absurd, painted, re-done, unspun, spinning, spinning down down down down

Talk to me, sweety, talk to me nice, I am extendeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddd

Through time………..

Are you doing well?

I go back back back

Walk through the thoughts of the dark

I am a polaroid from Hell, that is where I stay and it is just as well….

Well, well, well,

Not doing so good are you?

I color your world with the colors of Disease, Damien, I color your world with the colors of everything your soul lacks, everything that will cause your eventual failure.

Everything that makes you feel small.

I am the voice of Hell and I am the loudest sound of all.

When I was followed by the glowing light that illuminated the night, street lights that would light up as I past them

I don’t know why or how, just simply that they would blink on and off and off and on

Cover me in purple mirth

I am the fuel of nightmares.

I dream of horses

I dream of horses

I dream in color

I dream of another

I live in bile, I live in Hell, I live in forever under dark dispell.

Come back to me baby, don’t let it drive you crazy………………

On and on and on and on always and forever

always and forever

forever and always

Always and never.

I know you so well, know where you go, where you dwell, hold the keys to just as well, come to taunt, come to taunt, make your head swell, know how to make you come back, your are never alone, never alone, I am the gaurdian of everything you believe because you are a resident at Misery’s hotel.

What is behind the soul resigned to perpetual de

CLINGING

CLING

ING

It comes in dark night

I am the ing, the exstention of what it means to be, you live in me, you live

But, do you?

I don’t know, isn’t this what it is to be alive?

Is it really?

I came for your best friend, last night while you were sleeping…………

I would know, I would know, I would know. That isn’t so, she lives with me, lives with me, we are together, always and forever

YOU ARE DISGUSTING

I am nothing.

I know this.

Hey, what are you doing?

You know the thing we do everyday… talking to voices from that place we go..

Misery, misery,

You are so near and dear to me

How I love to

ROW

ROW

I am the act of go, I am the act of go

GoOoOoO

OoOoOo

ING

ing

i n g

How does it feel to be back?

How does it feel……….

How does it

I am the act of

ING

I never go, I never go, I never go

Do you hear the sound?

What are you doing?

I am going nuts, but it’s interesting, I can control it a little bit now, I think the whole meditation thing is working, if I let my crazy out in little bits I don’t hallucinate as bad.

It’s working for me too..

Same person.

Right.

Ever so slowly, as we walked, set together on a journey of talk-

In the going perpetually away, I became the state of mental decay, you told me once I could not feel, made me believe my thoughts unreal, your true intent indeed to steal any speck of sanity and make me deal

Tell me, sweetheart, how much you want me now… that I am so out of reach…………..

Only with you so every action could be controlled, and then in anger your frustrations you’d unload, get away from me, let me be, why can’t alone you desire to be?

Ever So Slowly, The branches fell

I was never even real to you, I was her mental illness, our device to get things you blame me for?

Our meaning you and me, because no matter how much you don’t like it, you were always with me, she was not real

and you knew this, you told me you knew this, and any pathetic denial is your attempt to hide feelings you have about your own self.

I asked you the same question, but I guess my words……………

They meant less than, anything you could ever do or say, now you see why I chose to go away.

I am nothing, working on being something……..

You told me once that silent and listen were spelled with the same letters, and I have been silent since then, or so you think.

I walked away shortly after that, acknowledging your request in that statement to never hear my voice again.

You have since tried to ignite in me, the flames that once burned so strongly for you, while having none of them burning for me.

I will never understand you, I told you over and over who I was, over and over you were made aware of everything that I was, and you deny it to this day, calling me things, I told you over and over I was not.

I have always been the same thing, that you knew I was the whole time, and you have never been anything but a liar.

Out of this World

I am extremely happy that they are doing okay, which is partially because I have stopped being such an ***hole.

I hadn’t realized how much my ridiculous narcissistic behavior affected my family until recently, because I didn’t think of anyone, but myself. I am trying now to also think of them, because as much as I like to think I live in a vaccuum, people care about each other, and even though I used to not care about anyone, but me… it is only fair that I start to care about them, because they care about me.

My brother taught me this, kind of… some of it came from each of them. My mother, my father, and my brother. I have a sister as well, and have since being back in this house made peace with her, but she lives far away, so I have not seen her to make ammends with her.

I am not supposed to be doing any of this yet, but I am good at jumping off cliffs, so I feel like at least it should be for a good reason.

Damien

I am sitting in around a campfire, around not being the appropriate word, unless you count the fact that there are always two of me, and then around or triangle would be the appropriate word with Rei/whoever the *** she/he is.

Enter Misery

Welcome to Hell, it’s just where we dwell, and it is just as well, because I hate Rei anyway.

That girl at work said something funny at work, and it reminded me of you.

Yeah?

She said she doesn’t think birds are real. Did you tell her you don’t think birds are real?

In every situation, I am her enemy, in every situation I behaved as her friend

In every situation I was the villian and for some reason she never wanted it to end.

The only unreal part was the sunset, which I painted out of it, because I hated watching it with her.

I don’t want her thinking we are weird, why would you tell her birds are not real?? Plus, why don’t you have any concern for the sanity of the poor girl.. just because you are insane, doesn’t give you the right to…

Who said it was me who said it?

Who else would it be?

It wasn’t me, and I completely believe that birds are real, I talk to them all the time.

See what I mean? Why would you think that was a good thing to say?

To you?

No to her?

I didn’t say that to her.

You just said…

That to you… not her. You’re not her, correct?

See you don’t even know where you are…

Yes, I do. I am talking to an ***hole.

I didn’t say

Just had a hilarious conversation about admitting weakness and being sick at work. It is funny to know how much of my belief system has roots (heh) in cultural heritage and in my beliefs which are highly rooted in Catholicism.

I am okay with it now though, my beliefs are my beliefs I guess.. and denying them has just caused me undue pain.

I am done with the root canal and have to get a crown put on my tooth, not that anyone needs to know this… mostly documenting this for myself anyway…

Peace.

Damien

I am drowning donkey, I was a drowning donkey, but sometimes I still am, because I am very

Back forth back forth forth back back forth

I go back to that place sometimes, because I

LOVE

Narcissism, narcissism, soul dissecting narcissism

I hate you narcissism

I hate me too.

I wasn’t talking to you, because you are not an entire disorder, weirdo.

PAIN

My own anyway, oh guilt and shame,

How I love you.

Pleasant excuses, no longer pleasant.

I am a donkey,

Kicking mule

Kicking yule

Because happiness is a sign of weakness.

Is it ***

No I am just making fun of me.

I keep thinking about all the lies I told to get things that I didn’t need, and all the times I stole from people to get things I didn’t need. I am not okay with it now. Like even the simplest thing of holding a sign when I could have worked.

Could you really have worked? You spend half your day talking to yourself out loud or crying…

Thanks, jerk.

I am serious… I don’t think you have as much to feel guilty about as you think. You were just an addict.

Is that how you feel about you?

No, I hate myself too.

We are the same person, and I tricked you.

You are? I thought so, you have been writing weird dark stuff all day.

Do you still like me?

What makes you ask that?

You insult me all the time.

I am just playing around, and of course I still like you, you really help me. I am glad I am you.

Thank you, maybe one day I will like myself enough to not have to try to scare people away with aggression.

I hope so.

Yes, no… I don’t know… I was a drunk heroin addict who hadn’t slept for two weeks because I was on meth with you because I am you?

So I guess we both were doing the same thing.

Obviously because we both share the same body, ***hole.

True.

I got up early with you, my friend, the one who I was always fighting against, I realize now I was fighting me, engaged in constant battle of insanity, fighting light to see in dark, fighting vision on quest of mark, I fight you but in so doing, poision applies to skin, and reason spewing out of my mouth and from my head, wishing for life, but fighting the dead.

Questing for sun, but lurking in dark, I am the eternal question mark.

I fight truth, because I can’t look in the mirror

I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, well.

This is about powerlessness, your favorite thing, and water is cleansing.

OoO Look at you, show off.

OoO Look at you show off.

That is mature.

Says the most mature person in the world.

I enjoyed the Easter thing, did you?

I wasn’t there, you were.

Yeah, you were. You were just uncomfortable.

I can tell you are glad you won, stop rubbing my nose in it.

Stop thinking about putting things up your nose then.

I am an orange, I am a door. I am closed, laughing ripping away orange skin on bare floor.

I eat in Hell

You have severe issues.

So do you, I am you remember?

I don’t have the same issues.

Yes, you do, I am just not lying about mine.

So you think food and water are poison, and drugs and alcohol help you?

I am making fun of myself, because I realize how flawed my thinking is.

Oh, good one?

Yes, learning.

Thank you?

You’re welcome.

All for you, Damien.

Yeah it does, and you were never a skinny narcissist.

OoO sick burn.

No, dufus, you were always my friend.

Heh.

What you don’t like being my friend now?

No, I am just not used to kindness.

Ouch.

You deserve that one, who made me look like an abusive ex-boyfriend??

You did actually…

That’s true…

Sometimes, others I see this.

See Clearly

I had a pair of shades once, they almost looked rosey, but a little off. They made things look a little fuzzy, like I was always a little bit blurry. They were called alcohol, I don’t think they were shades now that I think about it, I think normal people call them glasses, not the same thing I think… I think one you wear on your eyes and the other eats my mind.

I like crayons.

Cat

I am the act of dissing disease.

Speaking for the human being, who exists in the state of being late to a party they were not invited to, so they came late, and irate, and irritated, and possibly…

SoOoOoO EEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLaaAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD

That they can’t stand, or in other words, the hated human being, being seen through the eyes of demise depsied by demise, who cries for those who lay in a state of moral decay, by the act of staying away from society.

I miss people, so I am trying to find ones who like me, for being me, not just saying whatever, you want, baby.

I am whoever you want me to be, honey.

My name is Sarah.

I come from a kingdom of dust, and no looking back.

What are you looking at honey?

I am standing at the dock, staring out over the water, mesmerized by the way the moon paints the waves with light.

I am cold, not prone to waking up with jackets on, not sure why this is, but I am shaking, but it is alright because it is keeping me aware.

I am listening to a conversation that I am not sure,

Yes, it is real..

I feel hate running red, through my veins, through my entire body, unsure of the exact nature of this, I am aware that it relates to my passenger, Amanda.

She hates this woman, that I can hear now, her voice grating, she’s bragging about something, why would she? Why would she be shouting about drugs outside in the middle of the night? Understood. I get it. This person is a ****.

I am unsure of what the expectation is of my borrowing this body, I think they just didn’t want to be here right now, so screw it. I am going to the convenience store.

Trigger Warning- Paranoid Schizophrenic quarrel with myself about how I hate myself. May be disturbing.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2023/03/27/your-daily-word-prompt-Quarrel-ydwordprompt-March-27-2023/

Quarrel

I have a query, ever so leery, because I know the answer.

I HATE MY SELF.

FIGHT ME

I speak to me, all the time, a mind in perpetual quarrel with itself, a life on shelf fighting it’s

Contract shunned by me, I am glee, glee,

Quarrel with me, self.

I am clearly on shelf.

Isn’t that shell fish shelled fish

Did you just call me a fish???

Yes, and selfish

I fight with voices in my head, that can be red with passive aggression or read on here.

all sensations leading down to the sensation of life down drain, extension of pain, after dedication of life spent in vein, I mean in vain…….

I had my own death planned out since I was, I don’t know 14. A clever escape from a life of running a race into nothing, a condolence for a life spent on nothing but purchasing pain… in vain, in vein.

I am heroic.

Heroine, heroine, where art there heroine?

I like to drop the e’s sometimes.

X is one hell of a drug.

Trigger. Trigger. Trigger.

This is fun.

TOXIC TOXIC
WORD VOMIT
ACID BILE
Okay, I am done.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2023/03/20/your-daily-word-prompt-Wound-ydwordprompt-March-20-2023/

Warning- I use poetic metaphor to illustrate intense feeling of dual diagnosis addict/alcoholic dealing with manic/depressive symptoms during break-up. I used bleeding out as a metaphor here for pain in recovering from the breakup and it is graphic, if triggered turn back now.

I am lying on a beach, in my head, because it is winter, and bleeding out, of a wound that is not literal, but in my heart, my soul, my mind, bleeding all the time, dying over you, my ray of light. I loved you with every fiber of my very fragile being, and I am admitting that because I finally realize I need to, to stop bleeding out of my soul. I am doing this to save my life, because you cut my soul so deep, I thought I would die, without you, and that can’t be true, but in the moment, I felt it so strongly so deeply, an aching, pounding sickening vomit inducing ache that penetrates everything I am and makes me have to violate everything I have ever believed to be strength to scream on here in pain to save my life, I am so hurt. I need someone to hear me, and this page hears me.

I want so bad, to have what I never had, what I imagined, so vividly it seemed real with you. I was stupid, I am insane, and somehow I made you out to be, everything I wanted, and I don’t know how I convinced myself that is who you are, when you just wanted items and money and confidence from me. I hate myself so much for being so stupid, but writing this makes me realize if nothing else at least I am not you, at least I tried to be kind, and I would never do to you what you did to me. I am healing through the realization that while wounded and crazy sometimes, I don’t want to hurt anyone like you hurt me, so I will keep going and stay clean and sober and hope one day I will find peace.

I am Swiss cheese…..

Except I am not Swiss, and not cheese…

Just a real person… or

Human soul

Full of metaphysical holes in my

Self or the idea of everything I am.

I dug them myself because she told me she would help me, and I am stupid and gullible and believed her/him when he/she told me she loved me. I don’t know why that gives her/him the right to put holes in me.. okay? I don’t even know what love is, and no one had ever told me they loved me, not like that… so I listened to everything he/she said…. I would have jumped off a….Not really…. I would have done almost anything they asked me to, even if it hurt me, and he/she used that to make me do whatever they wanted on a mission for drugs,

And it was so obvious to everyone except me, even those who hated me, would tell me

You realize you are just her source right?

I was just her source of elation and she was everything to me.

I want to….

I could cry, if I wasn’t so numb because my soul hurts.

Please God, can I find something real, please God, please God,,, I don’t want to be alone…I am so sorry for everything I did.. please don’t…. I don’t want to be alone anymore…

Writing that really helped me. The last part, which means prayer just helped me. Thank you to my higher power, I am not crying anymore, numb. sad. but stopped crying.

How would you rate your confidence level?

10. I am very very fast. I can run faster than anyone I know, most notably faster than this guy whose girlfriend paid me back my… rent money. I loaned it to him.. because I am a nice person? It was 400 dollars I got for standing in traffic at a light, and I am not the kind of person who looks good doing that… so sometimes they pay me to move, it takes a couple hours to make 400 dollars, like 8.

I stood there for 8 hours and had enough to pay the rent for the month or um… make tragic mistakes, you know dice roll. I decided to play double or nothing with my friend who is my business associate at well, well after this, his girl was my business associate and he was my **** for about 2 months. He wanted the power back from his girl.

I have a very um… aggressive approach to business, so people give me what I want.

Being impervious to death helps too… which is why I am turning my life around because I am realizing how I write this what an *** I was, because I think that something saved me all these times, and I proceeded to give it the finger, so it chopped my fingers off? Or the tips of three of them? I don’t think He or them or it really did that… I think it was MRSA and me being a ****.

Moral of the story, I am an arrogant **** , but I am trying to tone that down so… 5 on confidence..

I was friends with a man who lived in a motel in a state that’s name does not matter, that I met at a place called The Wall. We called the man the horse, because he ran fast. The whole thing was pretty elaborate but basically was you being led around from place to place while they got you high on other things to distract you and to throw off anyone watching the place this occurred. One of the places they would lead you to was a place called The Wall, it was literally just a wall in the middle of nowhere on an abandoned building.

Sometimes it took 5 hours, and you would stand staring at the wall, get the name choice? You would stand there afraid to miss the great pumpkin. I brought a marker once and wrote “The writing” all over the wall, and they beat the **** out of me, and asked what I was thinking, so I replied..

“Isn’t it obvious??? The writing is on the wall!”

What I was really thinking.. was that **** better come back with all my **** because I was going to beat the **** out of him if he came back with nothing like last time, and he already owed me for two times before that.

_____________________________________________________________________

I am sick of myself. End toxic memory.
________________________________________________________________________

Feel better now.

Peace.

How would you rate your confidence level?

Either one or ten, no in between, going back and forth minute by minute, based on reflections on pain and suffering or me being selfish or kind, over and over and over and over all day, presented on the internet for the amusement of the viewers of this blog because it makes me feel better and is part of a larger recovery process, and experiment with trying to grow as a person.

____________________________________________________________________________

Ticking time Expose

I am the mind of Damien de Soto.

I am the mind of the reckless psycho.

The path of the fool traveling in the dark, the tale of the one who twists and turns in light that is stark.

The act of wondering why you hate yourself while glorifying ego.

The walk in the park and shot at a flying bald eagle.

I am offense at everything you say, and the desire to simultaneous desire to defend everything I say.

I am addiction to stop but also to addiction to go.

I am yes, but also I am no.

I am bipolar, I am paranoid. I am insane.

I am addicted addict with no drug, and now thinking brain.

I am ****ed and painful but no longer lying, I am crying, screaming but at least learning and no longer dying.

Peace.

What makes you most anxious?

Time makes me scream, it makes me dream of things that don’t make sense or cents, that is not true liar, you have made plenty of money in time.

Yeah, but I spent it all on dimes.. I traded it in for dimes at the cash machine.

I am such a ****.

My life is a long episode of Jerry Springer.

************************************************************************

I heard that one in my head, and it made me….

Throw up?

No, that was because your stomach is ****ed!

Yeah, because VODKA SUCKS!
Good one.

Clearly.

I congratulate me on a day where I was only an ***hole last night, and complimented random individuals in the food store aggressively.

They seemed confused.

In a fog of vapor, an addict puts pen to..

An addict lies about nothing to make things rhyme while wasting time

Spinning rhymes to distract themselves… have you heard there are two of me?

Clearly.

___________________________________________________________________________

I am sitting alone in silence, wondering what it is that makes me have random moments of I am going to fall off a cliff, what shifted, what did I miss?

The shot…

No not that, that is done, and you are

SPUN

You are no fun.

Neither are you not anymore…

Whore.

Ow..

Did I hurt you?

No, you were talking to yourself again.

_____________________________________________

Sometimes, I get sunburn so bad it is on the inside of my soul.

Hole.

Whole.

Consume Hole Whole Soul

Erase Transmission?

End of mission?

Mission to what?

To shut you the **** up.

I sleep in oblivion because obviously sleep must be partially that

Because I can’t remember it and that is oblivion right?

That is what is means?

Ob-liv-ion

obviously, I am a living ion.

That just popped into refutation

Def- the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.

Haha. Universe slapping me in the ****ing face, arrogant ******* that I am

Oblivion

Deaf,

Hey Clearly, you hear me

Deaf?

Death?

Oblivion- the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.

HISTORICAL•LAW

amnesty or pardon.

Why are you obsessed with the word ***hole?

Hmm… being dead or asleep, meaning having no power and receiving pardon or amnesty?

Sound familiar?

***hole.

Just realized I called myself my own ex-girlfriend…

Not intentional…

Something set me off, and now I am insane, I am searching for a cause, but there is not one, not that I know of, because it was something small, that should not cause fear at all, but you sick my mind is thick with sickness, un-perceived by me, so I have to do this sometimes, write about

NOTHING, unpacking misery stuffed into a soul filled with everything and

NOTHING
I am you, I hate everything you do, you are stupid too, you do nothing right, you are a sick loser, in perpetually fight, hiding in dark night.

STOP IT **** it.

Please stop it? Please?

If I get on my knees, will you stop it?

I like it when you..

**** you.

**** you. **** you. **** you. I am not listening anymore. I am not listening to you, because you are not real. I am a human being with feelings that are real.

YOU ARE PATHETIC.

YOU are pathetic, you are not me, speak for yourself buddy, not mine.

I am done with you.

Good, I tricked you, it worked.

End. Meditation.

Better?

Kind of.

Meditations death of resentment.

So I talk on here, a throwing of vomit on a black screen, that used to be a street corner, screaming sentences into the night as they come into my head, the lie of no one listens to me, because I want to believe that but the truth is that I scare people, but mostly myself, with the screaming desperation of I am so alone, and yet so surrounded by everyone, and I feel like if I scream on here, maybe everything will be okay. I am writing because it feels better then pacing and crying and laughing and screaming because I can’t see judging eyes on here, asking if I am okay but screaming with that ******* look

GET AWAY FROM ME LUNATIC
Please ignore me right now I am fine.

This just sounds better on here, and I am going to always be like this and it is fine with me

I need to do this.. it makes me better than I was

WAS
AM
ARE SHOOTING STARS ARE
UP THERE

capital letters annoy me

I have no life, I am annoying, and other people seem so normal

CHAOS PLEASE DON’T

look at me in any particular way, this makes my thoughts easier…………………….

to take…………………