https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/133608213/posts/4603492157

du·bi·ous
adjective
1.
hesitating or doubting.
“Alex looked dubious, but complied”

Similar:
doubtful, uncertain, unsure, in doubt, hesitant, undecided, unsettled, unconfirmed, undetermined, indefinite, unresolved, up in the air, wavering, vacillating, irresolute, in a quandary, in a dilemma, on the horns of a dilemma, skeptical, suspicious, iffy

Dictionary.com

I am up to the dubious task of trying to do life on live’s terms, although I am doubtful I will succeed, uncertain that the methods employed by others, will work for me, because this whole life on life’s terms thing…. is ****ing hard, and how can a bunch of people who seem as unsure about everything as me, living in doubt and hesitant to do anything without first consuming a mind altering substance…. How can I remain undecided and unsettled by something that is not unconfirmed… It is not undetermined, it has history and its outcomes are definite not indefinite… I have seen it work for other people, why couldn’t it work for me?

Although, I feel unresolved….or up in the air, wavering back and forth…. back and forth… vacillating from I am an alcoholic… to maybe… I could just have one…irresolute in my resolve to absolve from the consumption of this toxic solvent, that solves nothing… but…

I can not live my whole life in quandary, I am in a dilemma, that I have been in my whole life, my tempter the vicious disease of addiction puts me on the horns of a dilemma, pitted against the metaphorical demon of addiction…

Although I may remain skeptical, suspicious and iffy of the outcome, I decide to not drink just for today.

Advertisement

Not bitter but that of the now permanently elated ever quitter of the life of human ******.

Or, I really feel like ****.

This sucks, but I really think it is part of a wider adjustment to sobriety, which I love because it means it will never be this hard again. Ever, screw that. I am not ever going to fry my brain, char my organs, seer my eyes shut, or pump poison reign through my acid brain veins of human stain inflicted on self.

Okay enough of that. I am starting to feel like life on shelf. I am… stopping NOW.

I seriously feel like I have to throw up from this, and not my vanity induced eating disordered eating dying diet strategy.

I am so proud of my daughter, that was really freaking cool, and now I think I am officially out of the dog house if I wasn’t before. Now I can choose to sleep on the floor!

Joy is in the next room with her mother, she hugged me earlier. I am starting to feel better… at least I am not ruining someone’s life right now.

I am happy for Amanda too, her life parallels mine, so it is going much the same, and she has been watching this all with me.

We are both gathering resources so we can get to a better situation. I am happy that it finally seems like I am going to make it to 90 days without ruining my life, by forgetting that every time I get drunk or high it takes like two days for everyone to hate me.

Later

Damien

So I was revamping the website, and listening to music I haven’t heard since the last time I listened to music. I have been talking on and off to Amanda and it’s nice because we can now kind of communicate through telepathy sort of, so we don’t look like lunatics on here or outside. I like sharing a soul with someone, it makes me less lonely. I hate being stuck in the clawing madness of my own cycle driven head of unicycle lunacy. I feel like a cat under attack just trying to claw out his eyes, to be able to not see a predator before it kills me.

That made no sense, I would still feel the whole thing. I really am starting to believe that the infections that have caused me and Amanda to lose fingers were because of past… choices. I am glad I am not doing that anymore. My body came with the missing fingers, she had to go through the whole surgery thing, which I guess sucked, but when you have really bad nerve damage from bad life choices you start to not mind anymore because meh… I can’t feel my hands much anyway, alcohol nerve death and bad blood flow because of blow out veins… at least its a shot at my vanity. Swish. Nothing but net loss on the subject of cost of nets tossed in… nope…. not doing it…

This is fun. That thing is really funny, silly rhyme demons.

Later

Damien

The soul of a woman lost sometimes pays a great cost, she loses those around, they disappear in lacking sound, she then begins to smack in a self attack at her courage which she lack already sent to fuel the fires of many, she is a deadly prescription, eating pain in this fiction and I sent to her an inscription that was a secret self infliction being a reminder in clear of her addiction to fiction speaking through lies and despise and now she cries with shut eyes

Oh woe is me, I cannot see, I am blinded by thee that I set against friend. I am at bitter end of life, I am riddled with riddling strive, I am hard cutting knife of pain, I am the disdain of acid rain. I am polluting soul attacking self. I am bottle staring into depths of hell. I am the idea of dwell I am the swell of crashing wave I am the man you did forsake I am the idea of take take take

I am losing

I am melting

I am feeling the effect of dealing pain

Stealing rain

I am a retching ball of lack’s attack

I am the idea of getting sacked for doing

Stop. mean.

I am the failure to be human being

Stop that’s too mean.

wifhfhigolsghkjewb

Darkness lies in worshiping eyes of despise of cries of intense pained men, that descend on pretend.

Leave me alone. I am not doing this right now. I have other things to say. I am erase. I am waste. I a

am strong, and you are weak you need souls misery and I am meek. I am kind. I am true. I can yell right back at you. I can but won’t not like you I am.

Hey Amanda!

Yeah! Isn’t this kinda cool?

Yeah it’s like a words battle with a glass that has been staring at me. You should have Rei help you more. It hates her, and she is stronger than me.

You’re doing okay, I hope this still works.

It does, I can still hear you. I am going through the same apology process as you here.

What did you do? I thought you were doing better than me.

I threw a rock through the window of this car, I had to pay the guy to not saying anything.

Was he cool about it otherwise?

Yeah. He said he could pay his friend to fix it.

I think he only was cool about it because I was honest. Weird huh?

Yeah, it’s strange, sometimes I wonder how many lies I told for no reason, and how many times I got busted and could have saved myself by just being honest.

I like you. You are getting there. You’re sort of on the same page now.

Kinda.