https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2023/03/25/weekend-writing-prompt-304-mail/

I turn on my computer, and open a word file, got mail from myself.

YOU SUCK, and I hope you die.

Schizophrenic email is awesome, so glad I opened it.

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I have been courted all my life, to dance with loaded gun or held knife at my Neck, by myself, on a shelf, which of course is what I think because, baby I ****ing stink, I smell booze, in heart and soul, still drunk but dry, sometimes I know.

I reek of anger, creaking madness, rocking back and forth epic sadness, dark reflection, not staring at mirror, but bashing crashing and dying in epic fear.

I am loaded gun, I am dark resistance, I am tragic, insistence, that though I am dry, I am GOD. I am responsible for divining rod, punishing me, I am insistence on trying to be my own

Maker

Breaker

Soul forsaken, breaking me, tragically, beginning to see how epic my failure is.. or simply that I am an addict who needs a higher power.

Facts.

I love ya, hunny, and it shows, or showed, when things were going well, you know? When we were loaded with lots of cash, and didn’t have to worry about you stealing my ****ing stash, but now I am sorry sweetie, gotta go,

Because you know what, sorry, baby, we’re in a rut and as much as I love ya, you ****ing ****! I hate your stupid ugly guts, so take my money sweetie, I don’t need it, hope you like it, hope you keep it for longer than one day, because sorry dear, I am staying away.

I am walking to California, and so my dear, I am going to warn you if you come near me, I can say I will bite your head off, and make you pay, because I have a rare gift don’t you see and sounding like guy I still have these? So now with the power of two in one I am pimp and whore with loaded gun.

I will take out your eye, don’t touch me ****er, and if you say anything I will make sure your luck

Is in the ER ER ER ER

Damien/Amanda

Which animal would you compare yourself to and why?

I like the Lion King a lot because I like things that don’t take life seriously, because I don’t want to take it seriously, even though I take it more serious than I need to, and put myself through hell because of it.

I wish I could be the kind of person who is able to laugh at the darkness the way I pretend to but I do not actually think the darkness as funny as I pretend to. I just do that because it is easier to do that than to cry out loud and hear myself sounding weak in front of people who are strong enough to realize that being strong means feeling the very things that I consider to be weakness, and being a human being who loves and feels fear, and lets other people hurt them, and hugs people and is kind. I am not good at any of these things because I like to do what I want when I want, because I am selfish and an addict. I am not a bad person, just crazy and I am trying every day to be more like those I admire, the kind people of this world, who act with bravery and give hugs and love life, who laugh and love and share and are kind to each other, I am trying to be like you ever day because you inspire me to be better than I have ever thought I could be. I love you guys. I love every single one of you. You inspire me to be better than I ever could be.

I played this in real life, with no wagon, sometimes no clothes- don’t ask it rains there a lot. I dried them while naked and unafraid, because all the people on that show are ****** and I would totally win, but probably go to prison afterwards, so obviously they are not going to let me on that show. I think they probably have to do a psych eval before the thing and schizophrenic addict, alcoholic, PTSD narcissists with anger issues and histories of violent arrests don’t pass psych evals.

I would totally win that show though because seriously, I lived in the Oregon dunes during the rainy season for the whole thing, 8 months in total, with nothing during the **** pandemic.

Okay, done with this now. Moving on.

Oh, and all my materials were scavenged and I walked from western to Southern Oregon, and have done the same thing walking from Oregon to Cali. Bam.

Done ego stroking. I am a **** sorry.

Damien and Amanda Fact not fiction.

There is a line

He’s losing his mind, and I’m reaping all the benefits.

The wedding singer

That makes me laugh, for a horrible reason, I love to watch people become like me, and any time someone loses their mind in the movies I hear Nelson from The Simpsons and think welcome to Misery, ****, we love your company, we being me, myself and I… or the royal we, according to Walter on The Big Lebowski, who is basically me at any diner in the area I live in, and the reason why I can’t go to a lot of them now, **** it. It kind of *****, but is hilarious at the same time. One of the times they threw my drunk *** out I took my friends full plate of fries outside and threw it at the glass door which cracked, and then ran into the bushes and stood their talking myself down for thirty minutes while drinking fire ball to calm down.

Insanity and why I needed to get sober, because I no longer have friends due to all this. They grew tired of the **** as funny as it may have been, it is not safe for those who want to have a life, I guess.

I think I am funny, although I am continuing to try to be less of an ***.

I never thought to do this, but since becoming closer with my family, I have at their willing it on me. They play it, I think they noticed it calms down the mood of the whole environment and they like it. I talk to myself less when it is on because it silences me

hearing me or

me hearing things I think are there

• or singing at objects,
• laughing at nothing
• yelling at nothing,
• Talking about nothing to no one…
• singing to the dog,
• having conversations with cats or the light bulbs
• Loudly cursing
• Talking to shampoo bottles
• Talking to Amanda
• Talking to god or the devil or the universe
• Talking to ghosts or the wind or the rain
• reading things I type on here out loud… etc

I am not a miss spelling, not there either, baby

I am lame, but maybe I am trying to tell you something

Something true.

I am a sham, a sea gull named life’s last stand, inserted into dying human being.

Listen to me…

Pressing the stressing dressing of the never resting meth head who head is dressed with never rest through pained dressed dance with thoughts of life spent on death

Cash spent on passing glass that reflects life lost or tossed in trash through battery acid soaked lash that hurts so bad it stings my soul or reeking creaking pain hole full of nothing but sin, so I look to Him because I am bad as bad as can be, I am blind man and woman, so arrogant there are two of me. I am in love with self so much I write letters of love to me. You have seen me do it. Do you think that is fun, being that meth spun you spend your life staring into the eyes of yourself hell bent on being anything other than me and feed

feed me drugs, I am a dirty rug,

I am walk on me, baby, I am crazy and will flip out if you do the wrong thing

I am to be feared because I reek of sin, and the only way out is

Trust in Him.

God is my only answer that is a cure to my death ridden soul.

https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/03/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-4-2023/

I am addict, I am lizard, I am wizard, I am mind, I am not kind, I am eating soul in human bind, I am wild, but not free, because I possess all souls you see I am the voice of pain and hate

I am every choice you make

I am the slaughter of innocent men

I am the act of silent dissent

To shot of gun in face of friend

I am the act of never defend

The ones you love

I am push in front of train

I am the perpetual cycle of life down drain

I am wild I am free

I am fun don’t you see

So raise a glass and toast to me

I am voice of misery

I am death of man

I KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND

I am the idea of own.

I am my own soul.

I am the one who digs hole.

I am the one who makes whole.

I have no legs so I can’t stand.

It’s just attacking itself now.

I know.

How do you kill a female super hero?

You shoot her up.

heh.

I have spent the last 20 minutes looking at my hand to see if I have infection in it because I have an infection in my knee, which probably is not in my hand because my hand is not my knee. I am missing the tip of my thumb, part of my index finger, and the tip of my middle finger from infections from drug use. I am continuously concerned about this because I am worried about losing more of my hands. I do this stupid thing where I stare back and forth at my hand waiting to see if it becomes infected because I am ^&*&%$#% insane and most likely have brain damage from meth use. I have a lot of problems, I know.. it’s embarrassing, so my transforming hand problem has been a forty minute struggle or so…

I need to stop thinking damn it.

Okay done with the damn hand thing. Now. Good.

I am going to move on now. Go.

This time it worked because I am overpowered by nausea.

My existence is hard. done.

No. I am busy.

No you’re not going to be busy, you don’t even do anything.

You don’t do anything.

Yes, I do and you know it.

You sit on the computer all day and talk to me.

I sit on the computer all day and talk to you and help you with this blog, and I have a kid, and I have a wife…

Blah blah blah I am so important. You should come with me because it will be fun.

No it won’t, it’s going to suck and you just want it to suck for me too, and that’s not fair.

It’s not fair that you have to help me when I helped you a lot recently.

I have helped you too.

They might give me….

Okay screw you, I am going, but it’s your fault if I get addicted…

They aren’t going to give them to me, I was just kidding but now you have to go because you said you could if I gave you drugs, jerk.

Fine, so if you get drugs can I have some?

If they give me drugs I am going to refuse them, jerk.

Thanks.

You’re welcome. Jerk.

https://reinventionsreena.wordpress.com/2023/02/23/reenas-xploration-challenge-269/

Co-dependency is my tendency

It’s not codependency if you’re talking to you, that’s called schizophrenia.

So hard it makes you cry,

Because I am afraid that I will die

If you don’t pay attention to me and you’re me don’t you see.

I am afraid that you don’t and that some day you won’t so I simply must say

I am standing here till you say

Go the &^%* away.

I want to torture you, to make sure everything you do

Is painful, writhing and a broken leg

So that you’ll stay with me and beg

Please don’t leave ‘cuz I can’t walk, I am so bored, so please can’t we talk?

I need to hurt you don’t you see

I am codependency.

No you’re not your me

I’m you

You are lying and fool

You speak of nothing but pure folly

I am done being melancholy

So come and sit down and please be nice

I don’t need to fight or engage in vice

We can simply talk and not argue or cuss

You do not need make such a fuss.

Just because certain things I say make me feel good saying them doesn’t mean I am pompous or a jerk.

So you don’t think you are a pompous jerk?

No, don’t get me wrong, I know I am… I am trying, man. I don’t know what it is that I am doing when I do that but, I can tell what I am doing after I do it.

I am not sure if I just insulted you or not, like in an uncalled for way..

What do you mean?

I think I may have just said, every time you feel good about yourself you are a pompous jerk.

That’s what I thought…

Sorry.

You’re only hurting yourself.

Noted.

I think I am going to have one side of me be male, one side of me be female, kind of like two-face, except a super hero not a villain. I think that would solve all the problems I have.

Actually I kind of do too, and then you could lure people who are trying to enslave women to dark corners and be like do you want some sugar? And then clock them in the eye and be like “I only have half and half, that’s my name, *^&%.

Or you could dress up as a cow and paint blood on you reading don’t drink milk. It kills.

I like that one better.

Me too.

Why?

Because I think it is bad for my daughter’s self-esteem.

True. What about your self-esteem?

Are you seriously asking if my self esteem is completely image based? I am good at lots of things.

So I guess your self-esteem is good.

I hold myself in very high esteem.

You must have very strong arms.

Why?

To hold yourself all the time.

Screw you.

I was talking about your ego.

I known and still screw you. I am trying…

Anything cool happen today?

I talked online to a jerk and my daughter made some cool paintings, and I didn’t kill my neighbor, even though he has it coming and better watch out because I am going to throw that garbage can through his car window.

Is this the same guy?

I have no idea.

What did this one do?

Look at me wrong at 5 am. I didn’t like his weird eye contact. He seemed like he knew something he shouldn’t know.

Like what?

Like that I am squatting in a motel and am not named Amanda, because it’s your credit card I am using.

So that is why my credit is ruined…,

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

It was your money, not mine and you let me.

Which disease?

The dissing ease of nar·cis·sism.

You still can’t spell that?

No because it’s not a real thing, and don’t talk to me right now, I am trying really hard to convince myself that cat’s aren’t allergic to Chinese food.

You aren’t a cat anymore.

I know which is all the more reason I don’t want to look like an idiot.

I like how you look.

Of course you do…. I’m just you as a guy.

Me as a fatter guy.

Jerk. Not nice, and not true.

I know. I like the way you look.

Gross, I am you.

Self-love is not gross.

That’s not the same thing.

So what does Rei think of you recently.

She thinks I have a nice &^*.

That’s gross.

You’re gross.

You’re mean.

I used to kill your enemies by torturing them to death.

Oh, yeah right. So you’re not mean.

No just a psychotic jerk.

I am your best friend, not a psychotic jerk.

We’re both psychotic jerks.

Okay.

Okay? That’s it.

Yeah peace.

Later

A quilt lies on a bed of dread, because your soul is not dead.

It is very much alive with eyes that despise your misplaced space

In a universe of human race

That is not one but many

With hearts a plenty

That are not beating in instruction to

Cut them out and consume the few

Weak and wreaking

Because, fool don’t you feel those souls creaking

Just like yours their souls are speaking

Of pain and of loss

It is your soul that you toss

In the trash with every life you take

Every single heart you break

Every decision that you choose

Is your desire for fools clothes

Because you can see clearly that you

are you are in the one who is in the stew.

The same way you did when you drank beer, but better because it will look like violent outbursts of repressed rage are only because you are drunk and you can spend the whole day pranking unsuspecting people because they will be too drunk to notice.

That doesn’t sound very patriotic.

Yes, it is. Because it is fun. Fun is always patriotic.

Drinking is not patriotic.

That’s because drinking is not fun.

Not everything patriotic is fun.

I think you are thinking of jingoism not patriotism.

Oh, yeah right.

How about jenga-ism.

That’s not even a thing.

Yes, it is. It’s how you punish people for winning at jenga in the psych ward while having shaky hands because of with-drawl from drugs and alcohol.

Sounds like you just being an asshole and knocking over jenga games, because you ^&*& at Jenga.

Jenga is a stupid game anyway.

What did it ever do to you?

I shouldn’t have to share 100 truths about myself, while the other people in the psych ward only share 5 just because my withdrawal is worse, because I did more drugs.

Doesn’t that help you have less reason to do drugs?

Why?

Because it makes you talk about it, which is probably the point because you did more drugs, so you need to share more truths.

^&%* you.

Do you know how dangerous it is to light off fireworks while playing with sparklers while poking a bull in the eye that you painted pink after dosing it with sedative and draping flowers over the horns with a snake on your hand?

No.

Neither do I.

But, I wonder what it would be like to do that sometimes.

It sounds like a good way to kill yourself.

It does doesn’t it?

Why?

Excellent newspaper headline because it would be really long and the editor would not know what to do.

They would just be like this is so oddly specific who would do this?

You would do that.

No I wouldn’t. Because I haven’t, and if I did I wouldn’t tell anyone about it before I did it.

You would tell them after you did it?

Yes.

So you already did it?

No.

So now you can’t do it.

Yeah, I was telling on myself. I was thinking about doing it today.

Do you have all the things you need to do it.

None of them, that’s why I put it on here instead.

If you didn’t put it on here you would have to do it?

Yes.

What if you couldn’t find the things.

That’s why it is on here.

Makes sense.

It was for doing drugs not for looking at myself.

That’s better or worse?

I think it would be better if it was for drugs, than for looking at myself.

Why?

Because I don’t like how it looks if I say it is for looking at myself, and I don’t care how it looks if it is for drugs because I don’t do them anymore and then the whole post makes it sound like I am doing awesome and not thinking about how I broke something by sitting on it.

Ridiculous.

But, it’s funny, which is why I said it.

Everything you say is funny.

Murdering women is funny?

Sit on it.

I did.

Now you can’t your mirror to see clearly.

I never did. I used it to do drugs, that blurred my vision.

And to see if there were people behind you.

That was you.

You don’t have two reflections.

Yes, I do.