Nuts

I think if anything I am learning that I actually have a heart, which is why I have been complaining as much as I have, which has helped me learn about myself. I use this thing to do that, so to anyone reading this, I am genuinely sorry for the level of negativity that comes out of my brain and is reflected back on the computer screen, and through the waves of the internet.

I am small

I am not really here at all

I am a box containing excuses

It is not my intention to get attention, or views or anything, simply to learn who I am, after removing all toxicity.

I have learned more than anything recently, how much I want very simply to become a better human being, and try to find someone who is not toxic or many people, mainly friends who are doing the same.

My sincerest apologies,

Damien/Amanda

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I have been courted all my life, to dance with loaded gun or held knife at my Neck, by myself, on a shelf, which of course is what I think because, baby I ****ing stink, I smell booze, in heart and soul, still drunk but dry, sometimes I know.

I reek of anger, creaking madness, rocking back and forth epic sadness, dark reflection, not staring at mirror, but bashing crashing and dying in epic fear.

I am loaded gun, I am dark resistance, I am tragic, insistence, that though I am dry, I am GOD. I am responsible for divining rod, punishing me, I am insistence on trying to be my own

Maker

Breaker

Soul forsaken, breaking me, tragically, beginning to see how epic my failure is.. or simply that I am an addict who needs a higher power.

Facts.

Start following around members of my town with a boom box that plays classical music and see how long it takes for them to punch me.

I wonder how long it would take, I would try not to make it obvious at first and then… actually I would use a phone instead.. a boombox is too heavy and outdated, and I don’t have either thing because I sold all my possessions to buy drugs anyway.

I would follow them and change the music to be the opposite of what they were doing or play thematic Jaws or Jurassic Park music while they were trying to read. I have tried all this kind of stuff before, it is how you get a really quick trip to jail and very nifty if you need a way out of the rain and free meal. They know I do that now, so they just take me to the psych ward and threaten me with thorzine.

Meh. Oh well.

Damien

It is silent. I can think. I am really stuck on this. I think it is who am I even? I have no idea. I am an act, in a lot of ways, an act of pretending because I want something, and I don’t how to be in a situation where I am not coning someone. I am obsessed with this concept recently, but I don’t think I have talked about on here. How do I move on from what I have done? How do I do that without losing my entire self, and why does it matter if I lose my entire self if my entire self was built on being a lying drug addict who would do anything to get high. I don’t know how to live with myself. It is not my family that is driving me nuts, it is me. I don’t know how to stop driving myself nuts.

I hate myself so much. I don’t know how to move on. I think the idea of myself as a person, is rooted in resentment, so if you remove my roots don’t I die? Is that healthy?

I don’t know. I don’t want to die, for the first time ever, but I don’t even know what being a good person means. I know how to get what I want. I am an act of bad faith a trying at everything because I am not really ever trying, I am always coning everyone, and I am just starting to realize I drank and got high in this cycle of madness to forget things I did to drink and get high so I could wash rinse repeat. I don’t even feel anything from drugs anymore. The last time I did either one of the ones I used to do, I felt like shit because I have no serotonin and I didn’t have enough of the other thing and whining about something I don’t even want to do anymore because it sucked. I have no interest in any of it, because I don’t but also because it would make no sense to be the person I don’t want my daughter be talking to outside getting the things I don’t want her doing, and she already did it, and I feel like that’s my fault because I was on here saying stupid stuff I can’t take back because she already read it.

I am such a moron.

I love you, Joy. If you read this please don’t ruin your life. You and your mother and my friend are the only thing that matter to me anymore. Please don’t be like me. I am a miserable pathetic jerk with no serotonin. I don’t want that for you. I love you so much. You saved my life. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I was not a better person before I knew you existed.

Please don’t be like me. I am not a good person, but I am trying to be better, because I love you.

Damien.

https://amanpan.blog/2023/02/28/moonwashed-weekly-prompt-132-2-28-2023-uncompromising/

My thoughts are held, at the neck, strangled by the word uncompromising. I am consumed by lack, my eyes remain in a meditative state of stalling out on the un in that word, dwelling in the idea of lack, they dare not move forward, they remain in the darting madness of the pinball machine of chaos that was my life of un. Undone are the things of the past, in that things have changed, but have they really, I meditate on the idea of lack because it is me, a lacking, something always lacking. I don’t know what holds me clutching at the decaying madness of the dark.

The word compromise scares the %&*# out of me. I am overcome by a perpetual dancing, an in and out dance in and out of the light. I do not what sends me to the decaying madness of lack, of nothing, that keeps my mind so focused on sadness, anger, and lack.. I am surrounded by beauty and I see nothing sometimes, I am sometimes a dissent into a cave away from the beauty of the sun, and in the madness of nothing. I dance with the dead in my mind often, possessed by the chaos of madness, I hold the hands of those I know were lost in the maddening search for the ghosts of dragons shooting through nights looking at purple and blue, we saw nothing. I have lived for 35 years, and I scream for the years of nothingness where I stood missing everything. I missed everything, in a clutching consumption of the chaos of nothing, how many sunsets have I missed? How many memories are painted with the colors of drug soaked blindness? How do I see a future if I remember nothing but blurry vision of the past? I am weak. I am afraid and I cry at sunsets, because I still hate myself.

I feel better? I don’t know what it is about that kind of thing….

I posted this response to this prompt and I feel weird about it, because I am an idiot…

I was all over here talking about murder forever, and now I feel bad about it.

I don’t know what my deal is anymore. I am a wuss….

What happens when you don’t know how to spell MRSA because it looks like Mrs. Amanda and so you spell it mersa. It spells out mercantile. Or what I just told my sponsor about why I won’t be at the meeting today.

I have already told her about my blog and I think she is going to think I am psychotic. Now every time the word I is typed it makes me self-conscious.

That is typed like that because I don’t know how to spell that word and I don’t like spelling things wrong because if I make a mistake you will think I am stupid which is a lie because what I really mean to say it will invalidate my own personal belief that I am smarter than everyone and I am working on it..

I….I…I

hate myself.

Usually. Maybe, if she listens to herself, she can like who she likes and I can like my family without killing them.

I don’t know what those two things have to do with each other, but it’s something that I thought to write down so it’s obviously real because I have been so trustworthy so far. Why does my daughter think I am so pathetic I need assistance staying warm?

Why is that my reaction to someone asking if I need a blanket.

Do you need help should not be followed by no, fuck you. I hate this. Life was so much easier before I had feelings, this must be how five year olds feel. Why didn’t I do this when I was five so I don’t have to deal with it now. olds is spelled wrong because I won’t admit I own my own feelings, because screw accountability. I’m shaking because I’m cold and blankets are a sign of weakness.