I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
Sun kisses my form, I look back with eyes transfixed, and kissed by a light that fights night, by capturing it here, so clearly painted with love, beyond all, standing tall in form of a woman.
I am everything and one all at once, painted furiously, not with anger, but with fervor, capturing everything that it is to be human and be flower all in one, a form that is beauty incarnate, love and human being one and the same, all that casts away rain, and make love reign.
I am some flowers that are graced by the sun, I am psyched to be thought to be so much fun, bought for your loved one, a gift to the eye, I am yellow and so beautiful, your loved one may cry.
I am a gift spontaneous, of thought that arose, a rose so beautiful a love to a nose, yellow like sun, a gift of pure delight, colored with light and shinning through night.
My beauty is truly beyond all comparison, I am gift that goes beyond all occassion, hand me to her, and she will know you are her true love, I am like handing out a real turtle dove.
To have it all, to begin to know peace, not something I ever thought to be possible for me, to be at peace, to have it all, never thought I would be that tall.
To live by the sea, to see blue green, that is all I truly need, and by
Need, I mean, merely want, I am happy with anything really, I am just an I and an eye that experiences time, nothing more, nothing less, an observer of time, nothing divine, nothing more nor nothing less, just an addict with the ability to focus and re-address.
I am just a silly human being, beyond nothing, just what I seem. I do not want more than I need, to have it all is too much for me, I simply want to be happy, not to have more than I need.
Serenity, serenity, I barely know thee, but it is time I see, clearly, that you can exist outside of me.
I am a gold owl, my name is Surrender, I am a short form of creation of re-rendor. I am made with sunlight, that my creator and creator imbue, I am the act of time spent not on overdue.
I am surrender, to my creator and creator’s higher power, I am not a time consumed creator of tower. I do not over consume, or exist to time devour, but merely to say, my creator no longer cowers.
Thank you for clicking, I appreciate your existence, I am a puffin, I fly away with quickness.
My creator and creator, appreciates your acceptance.
I am a puffin, my name is Good Enough.
My creator isn’t lazy, but there are times they are stuck, on what to write here, and on what to say, there are times when the sunshine, calls them away.
In those times, they think of nature, and sitting outside, so much like me they are not stuck or hiding, they are just so alive.
I am a puffin, I am so alive,
I am Good Enough, which is something that jives, with my creator and creators ideas, and what they believe to be true, I was placed on this page, to say, dear reader, my love for you is true.
Swans mate for life, am I told this is true.
So I think of a my life, and how I was with you.
I am not sure, if this is true for us, too.
I put me in a box for so long, so I would not be myself.
I put me in a box with needle, spoon, and bottle on shelf, now I represent me with a swan, because maybe I can be something else, no longer just an addict with love affair with destruction and bottles on shelf.
I am not sure if I was supposed to be with you.
Now I am alone, and I feel sometimes it is for life, because I have PTSD and our break-up cut me, like a knife, but there is a part of me that wonders if it is true, that like a swan, I was destined only for you, and now that we are apart, I should be alone, destined only for nothing, just the idea of alone.
I am not sure, if any of that is true, only sure I no longer like you, you ripped out my heart and made me realize I no longer like men.
Maybe there is another swan, and I was never supposed to be with you to begin with, maybe there is another swan for you, as well.
At this point, I hope that is true, two different swans for both of us, I am sorry Rei, I am sorry I hurt you in any way I hurt you, I am sorry, and I hope you find your swan, I am sorry I hurt your feelings.
Her hair smelled like lilacs, and her kiss tasted like mint, her skin smelled slightly like cinnamon. She was an artist, a painter, and scenes she’d depict far away lands with suns fading quick, she was a master of sunset and lover of night, hater of fear, and haver of fright, she hated the morning, and too hated day, so during that time, I would sure stay away, not sure what she did, or sure where she’d go, I miss her so…
Her name was Tammy, thought she was a mirage, she was very relaxing to be around, her art, the massage, her eyes were pretty, her boyfriend was an ***, her name was Tammy, I taught her to relax.
We sat for hours, and she finally spoke truth, her boyfriend a cheater, with some girl named Ruth, she was unhappy, she told me the whole story, now her poor boyfriend is sore and alone, alone, alone, so sad, too bad, poor ******* got dumped over the phone.
Though I am small, on closer look, I am off the hook, I have everything I need, from the air to breathe, a planted seed, which brings forth my life, and the nutrients in the ground, brought by beings of sound mind.
I am a plant, and used to live in a garden, with my friends, I was placed one day, when they ripped me out, in a bulb, without any roots, a bulb, that was not one that grows, but instead of those for lamps.
I do not know, how or why, just fear that one day I may die, there is not rain or sun in here, so I know one thing, quite clear, I depend on those around, those in the realm that uses sound.
They cannot hear me because I can’t scream, so I hope, and sometimes dream in waves, I hope they get me the water and light I crave.
I then discover it comes right through, and that they know what they do, the soil here, has nutrients, too.
She was kissed by sun, and tattooed by shade, her skin bathed in light, and graced by its going away, she was covered with mist in times of rain, never feeling human pain.
I danced with her once, under the moon, her face made me cry, her love a monsoon, the deepness of her eyes, feeling like madness, bringing out my inner sadness, like caverns to the soul, her eyes were so deep, staring into your face, baby, made me weep.
I loved her for a minute, a second, but then, I was thrown back to the shore, by the wave of defense.
I think it is because most of my life has been accepting I might die of shunt failure, so I became well acquainted with death and pain.
Is that the reason for the name of the site?
The name of the site is me loving my own company, which is me loving talking to you now, not before, but now.
Why not before?
Before, when I talked to you, you sounded like me, this is me beginning to know love, through you.
Give me to those who mourn the dead, I am blood red.
I reach for the sky, and die in too much sun, I am a gift.
I am flowers of joy, dying for you, we live in the summer and die when the cold consumes, it eats my silk skin, and makes it dies, we do not breath, and reach for the sky, we do not have eyes, and we cannot cry.
We ask May for rain from the sky, we do not drown in water that falls in lack of eyes, we are red like blood and we are alive, we do not have hands, but can touch the sun’s eye.
You can pull us out of the ground to give lies to your sister while she cries.
There once was a girl, who loved beautiful flowers, she would stare at them for hours and hours, she would wish she could be like them, fragrant, and joyous, like her name suggested. She always felt that her name was a lie, sometimes so much that it made her very sad, or even cry. She wished to a rose, or a being with anything but toes, a sea lion, a fish, not her, so sad and craving anything, but this, she wished for the bliss of the sun, her life had never been very fun, but she felt obliged to stay, not to take away the happiness of those around her.
She prayed every day, for something to give her a little bit of contentment, or even content to her life, that felt so riddled with questions and with strife. One day a voice, way up high, almost seeming to come from the sky, directed her brown eyes, to the flowers she loved so much, and she decided to begin to alter them in photographs from other people, that inspired her so, she altered the flowers, putting more light in them, thinking herself a painter with the paint brush of the stars, she put the love of a higher power in the things that made her smile.
There is a land, with no seems or seams, or strings attached to my heart or mind, and I am getting there slowly, very slowly, to a place of lack of attachment, where anything can happen.
In this land, I see you, whoever you are, wanderer, or maybe multiple people, who are doing multiple things, with many people, you exist as an externalization of my imagination, in a world of projection, without the protection of want or desire.
You are the idea, not person, not specific to one person or notion, that anything can happen.
She spoke to me kindly, she spoke to me greatly, not with great understanding, but with great power, power with words and power over me, through my inability to understand her, and ability to panic over things beyond my understanding.
Belinda, Belinda, you were so great, so great
That my arrogance deprived us of the ability to relate, such a tragic shame, and I am only to blame.
In the projected future, there is someone I miss right now, and I don’t know how I miss them, but I do. I dream of you, and like I said, I don’t know how.
You are not know to me, not right now.
You are made of star dust, you are in my dreams.
You are protected by time, or so it seems, because I am supposedf to be alone right now, and so are you, and I don’t know why, or maybe I do.
There is something a higher force is teaching me right now, and I imagine it is the same and also seperate for you, and I imagine the next time I am with someone or maybe the thousandth I don’t know, it will be different.
Olivia, Olivia, where are you now?
You were so kind to me, while you lay on the beach, you stopped swimming, and made me realize I could just be me.
Olivia, Olivia, from heaven you came down, and touched my dirty hand, covered in mud, engaged in conflict in act of push and shove. You helped me different, seeing my real face, you helped me realize it was not me I must erase.
You held my hand, and said a silent prayer, demanding nothing and touching my hair, telling me I was not bad, and that people could be mean, I cried while you talked and pretended you didn’t see.
You told me that I could love myself, and make new friends, that all that my other friends said could be put to bed. I thank you Olivia, you helped save my life, you made me realize I need not live in strife.
I am now a different person, partly because of what you said, and now all the dark thoughts are slowly being put to bed.
Her name was Odessa, such a beautiful queen, she came to me in California, and saved my life with a dream, she told me she valued me for what she did see, she did not see me as the dread Rei Clearly saw me, she saw what I was, I started to cry, she told me fear not, need not live a lie.
She told me she loved me, though me she did not know, she touched my hand, and kindness, she began to show, she said a prayer for me, and took all my worry, the pain in my eyes, the pain made eyes blurry.
She cried for me, and kissed my tired hands, and is one of the people who gave me strength to stand, on my two feet, though I really have four, she made me feel like a human, not a dead bleeding sore.
She painted her lips with fruits of red, she got them from the tree of living and dead, she had this idea in her silly pretty head, that she could live forever, if the world would just let her.
She thought that she was able to live on and on and on and on without death, without age, without turn of page
Page me, page me, I am crazy. I am living forever, I am living on and on and on and
Look at me, my lips are pink, you as can be.
I am a rose.
I am so great.
I am so perfect, so lovely, so free.
I cost money, and am a slave of thee.
There exists a peice of my heart, on the ground, trampled right in front of a rose plant. It has been there since the winter, wishing to find shelter. It is not dead, but exists in the ground, hiding from those who used to hunt it.
It has grown into the ground, and was once one with it, now it is cradled by the roots of the plants kissed by the sun and is entwined in their plant sheild,
I am plants, I have been dug up, I am unrooted, and now I am stuck, in the form which I have taken, and in form by those who have mistaken, me for posession, though I am alive, or I was, before they contrived, their foolish plan to construct this heart, now I am dead, and must re-start.
the roots wrapped around it, protecting it from the crush of the stones around it, the plants form a nest in which it is entwined, being absent of thorns, and also grow upwards, drawing my heart closer to the surface, and out of the damp dark soil, where it lay, with each day the plants grow, and each day it gets closer to growing out of its grave situation.
I wonder what will happen when it grows out of the ground, will it die? Or will it flower?
She looked like a vampire, or what you would think a vampire looked like anyway, which was probably the point. I met her in New Orleans.
I imagined the whole time, every instant I was with you, what it would be like
To hold you, to touch every inch of you, to be next to you, but I was afraid to touch you, to hold your hand, to be touched by hands.
I built you up in my head, your painted skin and made-up face.
You laughed at me, and I could smell your mint-scented breath in the air, dancing towards my face.
I am imaging someone, because I have no one, because I have failed my whole life to do anything other than serve my own selfish interests.
I met you and began to think instantly of the holy trinity, not because of anything to do with religion, but because you seemed to me to be so divine there appeared to be three of you.
I had always questioned my ability to be like those who looked like me, and you affirmed every doubt I had, because I did not envy you, but wanted only to be someone you wanted, and you wanted someone the opposite of you.
I am not the opposite of you, but I am not sure what that means, because I am not what I am either. I am nothing, I think. I am constantly changing, reflecting only the light of other’s saving grace. I am in a place of constant lostness, at least when staring at your face.
Color me rainbow
Color me dark
I am forgetting where I start, and
Where Hell ends, looking instead at the ends of your hair, I am not all there.
I should not stare.
I am tragic hole in a human’s soul.
I love everything about you, baby, so glad, so elated to have met you face to face, you are a creature of grace.
I am nothing, I am magic, I am an eye. I am a liar, I am crafter, I am wordsmith, I am an enchanter, I am the act of lying down, I am taking nothing standing. I am the idea of withstanding.
You are really ****ing arrogant.
Really, I had no idea.
That was great.
So am I.
I know, right.
Not a question?
Clearly, can’t you see?
To a morning run, such fun it is in the sun. 😉
I love to excercise my eyes, I love to excercise my I. I like to practice the act of hate, of heated despise. I am addicted to writing poems about hate, if you can’t relate, so sorry.
You are so beautiful, you made me complete, you are so beautiful, so lovely, so neat.
You were my baby, we were never apart. I loved you so fully with all that I had, I wanted to give you everything, wanted nothing to be sad.
You are my lady, my love, oh sweet.
So sorry, it did not work out, I am on the other side of the street.
The grass is greener.
The grass is greener.
The grass is greener.
Too bad. So sad. So, sorry.
Love you, forever, sweetie. I am so sad that it didn’t work out. Best wishes, See Clearly.
Pole or I’d
What you thought
What you did
What you thought
What I did
He is a liar
I am away
Forever and ever forgotten forgetter
I hate you Just in time
I am no longer addicted to dimes
I am a lie, I am the truth, I found a way, I am so ruthless, you are a liar, you tried to remove me.
You are still once in awhile trying to contact me.
I win. I won. I win.
I am vengence, I am rage. I was in a cage, now I am always on a path away from you.
She was my lover, she was my girl, she was my everything, spinning round and round, and turning upside down, down side up, upside side down, round and over, and upside all around.
You meant nothing, you meant nothing, you meant nothing, you are nothing to me, leave me alone, leave me alone.
I am happy now, this is all in the past.
Addict in blank space
I loved her with everything I had. Baby, oh baby, why did you not give me anything, when I gave you
You were big and I was small. you were big and I was small.
She loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not
I am the lie I am the lie I am the lie I am the lie I the lie I am the Eye am I Eye am I I am I
She meant nothing to me, lie
She meant everything to me, and I meant heroin to her.
I am looking at you, but seeing only me, because I am bitterness reflected, back from eyes that are stained with tearing at myself, bitterness encased in toxic casing which is the current shell I am placed in.
I hate myself, but hated you, because you in some way reflected me too, but that is my problem, even now, I am trying to realize this, and come down, from the pedestal I placed myself on, where I sit alone, and rambling on, about how nothing was my fault.
Is that really how it was, selfish ***hole? No, it wasn’t.
I was addicted to heroine
I was addicted heroin.
I was addicted to heroine
I was addicted heroin
I forever, always and forever, and always and forever will be addicted to heroin
Are you talking to me?
Not you, but it yes…
Why? You want?
We are not doing that ever again
If you do I am coming to
That was not an error Amanda, remember what happened sometimes, the act of coming to
I don’t want that because it will make my… our family sad
I know me neither now.
I am thinking of her, but I am really thinking of you, and when I romance her, I am thinking of you, and everything I felt because of her, which was really all about you and everything you made me feel.
I love you so, you make everything so easy baby, you make it so okay, to be so crazy, and you will never let me go, no matter how far I run, how long I go without talking to you, you know just where to find me, which is anywhere, anywhere at all.
You know that I am small, though I pretend to be tall. I pretend you don’t have the power to take me down
down down down
On the floor, crawling just like before, where I prefer to be, cradling rocks with my hands, because sharp things are my best friends.
Words about heroes.
Toss me please, I am too quiet. I am addicted to the act of rioting sole, soul unsound, bound to condescending pretending to be okay,
Okay, yes please stay, so I can hate you, always and forever, be my friend, so we can fight about nothing over and over again.
I am addicted to the sound of my own voice, addicted to the idea that I had no choice, but to do exactly what I did,
RUIN MY **** life.
I shine with the act of this is mine.
I never look behind, I never look forward.
I am lilly pads, I don’t have eyes.
I can’t sit still, must make ill, must engage in perpetual
With dark fate, with my own hate, of myself, I don’t know why, don’t care anymore really, this was fun to write that is all.
I don’t know anything about you, but for the first time in a long time, my mind was not called to a negative place when looking at an image of someone.
I have no idea what that means, so I painted flowers about it, painted them with lack of color, lack not indicating sadness or some place of chaotic meditation, but lack because anything palled in comparison to the peaceful expression on your face.
I left some of them with color, not wanting to rob you of your falling sunshine, in your world of far away silent photo, laying in objection to the stealing of the colors of your beautiful world of vibrance.
They are painted differently as an indication of notice, of a watcher from a world of lack of anything but shades of black, grey, and white. They begin to fall away like ash, blown by winds of change, from the breath of fresh air that flows into the stiffling hot hell that is my volcanic existence of nothing.
I used to see through different eyes, not through mine, but eyes that lied, that lay inside my head, but not, caught by despise and forever wrought with hatred read in all I did, they rested in a face of kid-ding and of attack, they looked in the mirror and saw nothing reflected back.
I had not eyes, but reflecting pools, filled with sadness, and with tragic tools to make myself just like everyone else, tools of magic that sat on shelf.
I would drink them and sometimes smell them, and sometimes prick my hands in vain, and sometimes they would make me, able to stand a very clear disdain.
Access to running water
Safe place to sleep
Waking up to seeing my family
Access to coffee, nicotine, and food
In a tunnel in California, I am reminded of my friend, who had traveled the world, and given everything to a woman, who wasted it all before wasting away herself.
She was addicted to heroin, ironic because she was his heroine herself, dying tragically of cancer, while he paid to ease her suffering, not caring that she was spending all of his money, he only cared that he was doing whatever she asked.
I saw so much suffering out there, so much pain, I was so used to it, it is still hard to see anything else. I look for it even now, as I write this to you, but I am starting to open my eyes, and be able to see clearly, they have been shut a long time….
You showed me how to love anything again, being my friend when I was not even a friend to myself, licking my hands, when I was still not over the missing finger tips, showing me it is okay to have gone astray.
I had a cat like you once, who died tragically, and I never got over it, until you, your liking of my wounded hands, also helped me like my own soul again, forgiving myself for the fact that I am not super-human and couldn’t save your fellow cat from peril, when I could barely save myself.
Your licking of my hands, licked the wounds that were made on my soul so long ago, when I was too drunk to think clearly to save anyone but myself from what befell my life.
I love you as I loved my other cats, and some part of me thinks you will tell them for me, because I can feel them forgiving me for not being super-human enough to save them, when you lick my hands.
Beauty is right in front of me, and has been the whole time
It flies in the skies above my head, without me even noticing, but today I do.
I don’t see you, but I hear you, and I am sorry for every moment, I was too high to hear you sing.
You are everything.
I have been many places, where the roar of trucks or screaming of road sleepers overpowers nature.
Sitting in my mother’s basement, thinking about my failures, and I am comforted by a chorus of birds.
It is almost like they are saying it is okay,
That I survived to hear them, to hear them peacefully singing,
Just because they can and do, without anyone noticing, but today I do, and even though they can’t hear me…
Thank you for your morning song birds.
To the author, this is a taste of your own medicine.
I am talking to myself.
I am aggressive because I am afraid of myself. I
Fear imperfection because I am in love myself
I am a narcissistic
Per so n on s h elf
The troll lives outside, and is invisible. It is not me this time.
It lurks in everything, in potentiality, for always and forever.
It really sounds like you.
Shut up and go with me.
It is under anything that causes
Stop that now.
I now you have a thing about the number three, and you are not divine, so stop it.
Moreso than most of mine, because they exist not in decline or make mine or eternal infernal bind with fight for time or dime, but instead resign or it is fine that it is not mine, but instead divine.
I am free to live, and give to those I encounter, the thoughts of the previous fist pounder, not the fist pounder, but the fist giver, the pain bringing angry addict of silver tongue, that was never fun to be around for anyone.
Even me, begining in an unconventional way, because I was wrong, and
You were right, and I will no longer fight, because you helped bring me flexible peace. Peices of reflective stained glass of my own re-cast soul, drawn out of hole, and thrown to the sky.
You are so much better
You glow in a dark world
You are so much more than anything
I could ever be
You seem so happy and care free, thinking about happy things, and living free and givingly, wondering why bad things happen, questioning why me? Why them?
I envy you, the constant debate of free soul floating through life in conversation with self and human being.
You do not understand what lurks beneath, and sometimes I wish I did not either.
You walk on the ground, looking up, not casting eyes down. I
am forever in a swamp.
I cast my heads up, I have two I think, two headed dragon, I think, fire breathing darkness lurker.
I hide in shadows, because I scare you, I say things and you look at me like this, like a creature with multiple heads, are there places for three headed dogs?
I don’t know..,
I got up early with you, my friend, the one who I was always fighting against, I realize now I was fighting me, engaged in constant battle of insanity, fighting light to see in dark, fighting vision on quest of mark, I fight you but in so doing, poision applies to skin, and reason spewing out of my mouth and from my head, wishing for life, but fighting the dead.
Questing for sun, but lurking in dark, I am the eternal question mark.
I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, well.
This is about powerlessness, your favorite thing, and water is cleansing.
OoO Look at you, show off.
OoO Look at you show off.
That is mature.
Says the most mature person in the world.
I enjoyed the Easter thing, did you?
I wasn’t there, you were.
Yeah, you were. You were just uncomfortable.
I can tell you are glad you won, stop rubbing my nose in it.
Stop thinking about putting things up your nose then.
It is impossible to go anywhere
Naked and bleeding, and being naked and bleeding is not fun.
Spending time screaming about being naked and bleeding is a waste of time, so it is better to quest for clothes than spend times screaming about being naked and bleeding.
The foolish, screamers, have been taking years screaming about being cold when they could have been finding new clothes.
It is no longer cold outside.
I used to scream and cry, a walking rant, a poke in the eye, but I have learned sometimes to shut my mouth, to prevent a life that is prone to running south. I say sometimes because I am back and forth.
Smoulder’s shoulder is cold, it is icy, knowledge old. It lives in darkness, illuminates lights, seeks to cool not to fight.
The act of smoulder is not death, in it’s ice are secrets kept.
A path winds through the night, going foward, existing simply, in a direction.
The traveler exists simply too, at night, happening to be there, under cover of darkness, arriving at this precise time, when it is dark.
In a quest for forward motion, the traveler at first curses the ground, damning it for being in its present place, at its present time,
Forgetting the word present
Forgetting the idea of presenting
Forgetting the gift of sight at all
Forgetting the gift of site at all
In this forgetting, the traveler does not see, but walks blind
Trips over a flashlight
Curses the ground
Sees the flashlight
Picks it up
Uses it and walks on.
Proposing something different.
Today, I am very simply just happy to be here. I am no longer looking back because I have said all I need to say about that, there remains nothing else that I could say about any of it.
The focus of this site going forward, will be a bit different, I do not know what that means yet.
Dark reflections on darkness bring darkness
Reflections rising from darkness bring truth.
What do I see differently, because of who I am now?
I don’t know yet.
I have done a lot of stupid things, in my life. I have listed them on here. This blog has been a whining meditation on what I believed to be me deserving better or something… I think… I realized last night that I am an idiot, and forgot the most important thing, I have survived a large amount of my own self-inflicted stupidity.
Thankful today, to be able to get up, and simply be alive.
I am not here to preach to anyone, I am not here to tell anyone what to believe, I am not even here to say what works for me could work for you. I am simply an idiot writing on the internet about what gives me the ability to sleep at night, which right now is the fact that I just had a pretty intense experience with my dad at stations of the cross, at his church.
I liked it because I have always had a thing about chanting, the intense power of people all saying the same thing at the same time, with each other, over and over, especially if it was something that had been done over and over at the same time, each year. I think the power of the human word when spoken together, all at once is very moving.
I really enjoyed it, and my dad seemed very happy his drug addict child was at mass with him rather than doing drugs in the streets.
That is all.
I am so grateful to be out of some of the pain that I was in before. I still have one more crown to get done, and am not even dreading it, but just so happy to be going forward not backward. Nothing has ever felt like this in my entire life.
I made peace with my family, my mother, my father, and my brother do not hate me anymore. I am no longer in need of using my metaphor for any of them, at the moment, may return to it in anger later. There are no promises with me, when it comes to speech or text. I am a very back forth person, but I am becoming alright with it, and myself, all two of me.
I am so thankful for everything that has made this level of peace possible in my life. I really had resigned myself to dying miserable, that was the reason for the original site name.
I make golden eggs, with a program that re-renders images, because I have no power other than to play with light… or dark.
I remember everything now, I just had someone drill it out of my head, while getting a root canal on my tooth.
A root canal, that dug into the canal of lies, I told myself that made me out to the victim, in a story that was really just a story of one lying junkie that didn’t want to admit that they had fooled themself into thinking no one else knew that every dollar, I panhandled
Every handout I took went to fund an addiction that made me anything but heroic.
I am so glad to be done, so glad to be me, finally, for the first time in my life.
I am still half, that girl, lets call her Lydia. I think she is okay with that now.
I am because I am really also you.
I know, because I am awesome.
I am awesome too.
I know, because we both are.
Being able to deal with getting a root canal without having to be high or drunk, felt amazing, didn’t realize how much weaker being resigned to a life of lies made me feel, so glad to be done with that now, and finally be a whole human being.
I saw you like this,
Although you did not know it.
You made me feel everything and then
Nothing, for 15 years, I loved everything you
Were, you are, and you burned holes through my
Soul, so deep that I forgot that I even knew you,
I loved you, and I never told you that, because I was afraid.
I am riddled with lack, I am the lack of soul, which comes with condescending attack. I am the power of demise, I speak with eyes of despise. I am misery in carnate raw form, I am dead man’s scorn. I am war torn. I am forlong, I am dark thorn, in shoe of human being with very precious heart. I am fear of start. I am the smart.
You are a liar, who has no soul to be on fire, and you will not get mine, you are death, and you can stay the HELL away from me, because I aim to breathe, I breathe breath that comes with shedding fear, and walking away from beer or heroin or crack or meth or weed or anything that makes me so afraid to be without it that I desire to talk to you at all, things that makes all things small, so it can be tall. You have no legs. You can’t stand without piggy backing on my back, herder of swine. You are mine, I am not yours.
The waves crush them under the force of resentment, and they don’t look back because if they did, they would see a lot of dust, in the tracks of things they left behind a long time ago.
Their dreams, their friends.
I speak for myself and myself only, but speak this way because there are multiple versions of me.
I am a cat. I am a cat. I am a cat. Feed me spare change, don’t feed me to an atm.
Or an at the moment feeling of homeless people shouldn’t have animals, what if I became homeless yesterday, what about my cat?
Doesn’t he get to live too?
Does he get to eat too?
Or does he get put in a cage?
I wonder wonder wonder why
No punctuation because I have something in my eye
I am a cat and I can’t wipe my eyes, I have claws and that would make me cry
I forgot what this post is about.
I am doubt. I am tout. I am clearly telling truth, I am a cat that is name Ruth, I am less, than human
I am Ruth Less than human.
I am a cat, I am a cat, I am a cat. I have rights and I am a cat.
I am where it is at. I am a cat. cat. cat. Feed me spare change. Sparing change. Change things for me, so I can smile again.
I stand where I stand, and make no stand of declaration for any man or any person, I just have my own views and you can pick or choose to listen and to say what you want or to hurt or to hurt or taunt, because I have been high and low and how low can you go?
Tell me, because honestly I don’t ****ing know.
I am on fire, I am on fire, I am dissent to an empire of pain, I am raining disdain on reigning disdain or anything that causes pain really. So my views are my own, and they are owned by me, clearly.
I took your name, your name, that I gave you, just in case, just in case, you find me, and hurt me for saying something, you don’t like, you don’t like.
Watch your mouth, it run south fastly, slowly, knowingly telling the truth.
Why do I disagree with porn, because sex should be had for pleasure, not to make a living, and most porn stars are women, who should be able to make a living doing something that inspires them, like being an actress, which is what most porn stars originally wanted.
I just don’t watch it, that is my solution.
This is who I fight, not Rei, this, strong trigger, this is raw, scary channeled nightmare.
I think of you every time I hear the peepers, not my you, the one I found on here that sounds like me, how I sounded when I talked to the burning rays of the sun, and thought I was talking to someone else, when I was really talking to resentmeant.
I married sin, it ate me from within.
I married hate, it made me quite irate.
I married wrath, it made me slay a calf.
I was really married to no one, we didn’t have the money, we spent it on heroin, if I had been married I would have been divorced 3 times.
3 strikes, I am out, of the game of slaying my exes with hexes online, because it is unkind and that puts my soul in a bind, with bought time, before I destroy me, and run on bloody knee into a train, this really happened, so insane, I think in addict brain that I am running from something, and I was, a pitbull, metaphoric because this one I can’t say online, don’t have permission to, he chased me till I ran away, afraid he would take me
OUT OUT OUT
Of the state of being able to say anything about anything ever again
Drive me INSANE
I am the psych patient being told, you can’t be allowed out, unless someone signs for you, and unfortunately you can’t remember your name or who to have sign for you.
I can’t. I am stuck in here. I am stuck sitting in a chair next to a man who doesn’t know his name either, he thinks his name is Sand.
He told me this, and I told him, I like grains.
He likes me now.
I am okay with it here, but I like the SUN.
I am so sorry to the most high, not her, not me, but the nature that rests above me, the moon, the stars, everything I do not own, that I made mine when I said.
I have the right to steal everything, from everyone, to buy heroin.
I am so sorrry, but I don’t hate me anymore, because I have written my resentments out here, and they all reflect back at me, well clearly.
Clearly, clearly, look at me, I am spinning I am free, I hurt myself, by killing my friend in only metaphoric sense, but really I kill my heart, my soul, making me an aching hole.
I would divorce myself if I could. I would divorce myself if I could, I am the screaming liar, with soul on fire, who burned fires, set by me worshipping my own death.
Clearly can’t get me, I get my self. I drink bottle HIGH on shelf, I have cut ears of injured elf… it rhymed…
no no no no no.
I am the soul keeper of my own, my precious because it rings so so so true.
Ode to Schizophrenia.
I worshiped Rah. I worshiped death. I worshiped anything that would keep me in
Faker faker faker. Liar. I hate myself. I put my life in fires of HELL, metaphoric and very real, because I can burn, I can feel. I
am eye of tainted man, of woman too because I am too.
Never alone, never alone, I am never alone. Always here with me. Always at my own face, screaming, I hate you.
I am the eater of Damien’s soul, I am MISERY. I EAT HIM WHOLE.
And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain?
Do you cry of the life lived in vain?
I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and feigned cough and feigned gasp, with hands clasped around my tools of fixation and dilation.
I have found a way out.
There are people in the lands that are outside this hell.
We are people that have been were you are. We have felt your pain.
We are here to tell you, you do not have to walk alone any longer. We are here if you want to talk to us, and all we can do is share how we got to the other side of misery. Ask me anything and I will tell you.
I could never see true north, never in my life. My compass was broken, as it would have to be, going south.. smitten with chaos I sought only dark, and tried to re-define light. It was a tragic re-color of misery painted in silver over inner darkness, to look like stars, but really just was silver bullets aimed at my soul, that was addicted to pain, so I could kill it with things that kill pain. My margins were skewed by spindles, metaphor, Now I am nimble and free to be me, through being me, Damien, not Amanda, in upstream.
I aim to be only me, who is two people, now I know, I am two people, both are us, we are both male, I don’t the second name, I just know the feeling of disdain that came with female name, and how she hated me, so much to paint me, as the villain of her story.
We saved each other, and now are two and now I can be with her, and her with you. I am not sure, what any of this means, just acceptance of who we are, and that we exist far from the rest of those who are not the same, and that’s okay with me at least, may not be with everyone, but that is okay too, you don’t have to know me if you don’t want to.
I just know that now I can look in the mirror, without experiencing soul eating fear.
The call of the siren, the echo of sirens, screaming at me, guilty addict, stay away, kept me from your shores for 7 years, I chased you from coast to coast, hoping to forgive myself along every shore line, sure line, finding only fault lines, and gradual reclining soul decline, which is not ironic, but iconic, me an icon of pain disdain, but no more.
I am a grain of sand, on a beach, that is no longer beseached, but fully colored, not in stark darkness, but with full color because I am is no longer what it is.
It is no longer, a place of soul eating madness for me, but now a place that has been resurrected as what I loved as a child, which I was, I remember that now, not just Amanda’s imaginary friend, but half of her, she is me and I am her, and she is me. I am half of her and she is half of me? The other half doesn’t have a name, neither of us is Amanda, so until it is figured out, I am her and she is me, but to differentiate, I call her Amanda.
I am so excited about literally what I just wrote up there, two root canals, not that I want them, but that they are root canals, and not two extractions. I thought I was going to have to have two teeth extracted, and I don’t care about how that would look, whatever about that. Change is good..
I am excited because I knew it would hurt and I knew that I am going to deny them giving me pain killers. I told the doctor I was an ex heroin addict to out myself on purpose, so they wouldn’t give them to me.
I am excited that I actually did the right thing about this. That’s all.
I just was talking to my Dad, about the ideas that I have expressed thus far on this site, and we both talked about what I think was revealed to me by the powers that be, or the powers that govern my existence because I believe in them, which is why I say often that people are free to believe what they want, and that I don’t mean to preach or say anything to dictate the beliefs of others.
I believe in what I believe in and it governs me because I myself assign meaning to it. I have placed a lot of faith in the universe punishing people for selfishness, and then done exactly what I think should be punished, insane right? I know.
I am going to stop self fullfilling my own damnations now.
Clearly See, See Clearly
Sight in the middle of Chaotic Self Assertion.
I hate me, so sometimes I dance in mud, and fling it in every direction, throwing it in the eyes of everyone who looks in the direction of a dance with deadly chaos. That I do myself, with chaos or my own mind, because I am insane.
I am also prone to do another kind of dance, by myself, because I am selfish, and only like to share joy with myself, but I am learning to be different.
The mud flinging of muckracker, can be used to grow flowers, which people like, but I have grown to hate people, so I threw mud at them.
Learning to be different, sucks, and it is hard.
Mud can be used to grow flowers though, and flowers are pleasent for everyone, and as much as people scare me, I like this cat that lives in this house, which is not mine, but belongs to Diane.
As much as I resent Diane, I love her cat, and am trying to be different for her cat, which is strange, but I love the cat a lot. He responds to human voices, and I talk to him sometimes, instead of talking to myself, through the cat I am learning to be different.
The cat likes it when I talk nicely to it, so I am learning to talk nicely to myself through it.
I don’t think the cat would be mean to itself, so maybe I should follow its example, like it follows me through the house, while I run away from Diane.
The cat is also a good excuse to go into other rooms and escape the criticism of Diane. So, it works for me, because I enjoy being an ***hole.
He doesn’t have a name, which is great because he responds to me thinking at him, which Diane can’t, so she gets frustrated, because the cat is an affront to her control.
I call him the cat or the guy.
He knows I am talking to him no matter what, because he responds to me looking at him.
I am not sure if I am, or if something is just changing. I have two competing sensations
1. I am losing my mind, permanently
2. My mind is finally fixing itself
I am not sure which one is accurate.
I am not sure of anything right now.
I have begun to feel comfortable actually, which makes me think I am in the process of awaiting some strange horrific malady. I will tell you this, I do not ****ing like this, and it is very ****ing uncomfortable.
Although, I think my family is doing better, I am using my powers of mental insight for good finally. I have started doing weird things to help my family get along better. I wrote a note to one of them that solved a dispute that they had with each other, and now they are getting along better. That is all I will say on this website about that, because I no longer have the gift of anonymity. I gave one of them this website address as a way for one of them to find out more about me..I had been gone for 7 years using and drinking on the streets, and in various hotel rooms, other situations.
Stream of Consciousness
I really just wanted to make the Lord of the Rings joke. That is the whole reason for this post really. I have been trying to find some reason to make a Lord of the Rings joke all day, because I love Lord of the Rings. Which is funny because I have only ever read the Hobbit, and never finished the series, because I am lazy. I have a hard time reading anything that is not a horror story because it is the only style that holds my attention.
I think that is because it is the only style that competes with the horrific images, that are my imagination, which is horrible. I think that might not be my fault though, I think it might be PTSD. I just noticed how often I use the word fault, or blame, and it is a little bit disturbing. There are a lot of times I use this and it is not even something that involves fault or blame. I don’t know why I do this.
Our dog hid under the table all night, and followed me around, which is strange, seeking protection from me, when I have always viewed myself as the storm people seek protection from
The thunder and lightning, were my grandmother’s favorite thing in the world, she would drop everything she was doing to go and sit and watch storms. I am reminded of how horribly I treated her, when she was dying. She was an addict too, just alcohol instead of heroin, and I was in the begining of heroin use, so I resented her for having an addiction that everyone could openly see, and knew about. She was a large part of why I left, or my resentment of her, and my family’s varied response to her versus me.
I didn’t understand what made up so different, my drug of choice being different only in that it was illegal.
I forgot my heroin use came after her death from cancer or COPD, or some variation of the two. I forgot what my family went through with her, because I didn’t go through the same thing. I only cared about me.
I apologized for this tonight, so I kind of feel better about the whole thing.
I am adding this at the top, but it is a revision, just did something because of below dream, to help someone out. Not revealing that on here, because all that is important about this is I am learning I care about people.
In the nightmare I was walking around ranting like a lunatic about things I thought were going on outside my window, which was what I was doing shortly before I went to sleep last night. I was doing this and my family walked in on me doing, and told me to stop doing it. I was by myself and they came in and told me it bothered them and to stop doing it, so since I wasn’t in my room, or the room I stay in, I went in there, and did the same thing. They came in there and they did the same thing.
I told them that them listening to what I was doing when I was supposed to be in a spot they told me I could sleep in, made me feel like it was unsafe to sleep in there, which it did, because if someone is watching me when I sleep, I will not sleep.
I ranted like this to myself for an hour or so about this and the news and how the whole thing made me feel, and then I apologized after coming to my senses, and told my family that the way they were acting was making me worse, and that the evidence of that was that I was geting worse, and that was why I wanted to leave and get my own place, which they now know I am going to do matter what.
Anyway, the dream, the dream was that I never went to sleep, just kept doing this all night, and got drunk, and I got drunk in the dream by accident by the way, I accidently took a sip of my family’s wine, from a glass I thought was water, and then realizing that I had fucked up, I got drunk about it.
So point being I woke up from this dream, checked in the room for the wine, and was extremely relieved it was a dream, because I actually care if I mess this up, for myself, no one else, I care about my own sobriety, in an almost selfish way.
That is kind of cool.
Anyway the dream,
I am the screaming nightcrier, the burner of funeral pyre to desire for
RINGS true doesn’t it?
Clearly…. clarity, clarity where for art thou clarity?
DOWN THE DRAIN, because over night you went insane,
IS that so?
I ****ing hope so, I am going to go somewhere soon, so if I write this, you will go away maybe, and I will not have to hear you talking to me in front of other people.
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT??
Enough to do it.
You are disgusting.
GOTCHA, you are talking to yourself.
I am not quite sure if “normal” people worry as much as I do, or even if other addicts or other mentally ill people do, I worry every second I am awake, but I hate sleep because I am afraid of death, I didn’t know that, and just figured it out writing this. That is a lot of why I am doing this, I wanted to know who I even was. I was so caught up in defending myself against the attacks of my exes, I forgot who I even was, or maybe was never anyone to begin with. I have never been alone for longer than a month, always partners in crime with another drinker/user and always co-dependent on that person vice versa, we always existed in a symbiotic way, fueling eachother’s addiction. The worst was with Rei/Justin. The entire relationship centered around drugs, at least for me, I think they hate me as much as they do because of that, because at one point they really loved me, and the more that I think about it, while I emulated love… I never loved them as much as I loved the person I left to be with them, whose name I won’t say online because she asked me not to.
I am still partially in love with her as well, but she is still using, and I am so done, and she is done with me. She was always able to pay for her habits legally, she has her ways, and didn’t like my less conventional ways, so when she would kick me out I would go get high with Rei, and one day we decided to go to Cali together.
All the music I post on this site is thanks to my ex, the one before Rei. I loved her, stil do so much. She is the most beautiful person I ever met in my whole life, and she doesn’t even know it.
Rei was just as self involved as I am, which was great at first, because it made me feel better, but we were always ego sparing, except she was not willing to walk away at first, I am.
I always was, and it drove her nuts.
I miss California a lot, which is pathetic because what I am saying is I miss my lifestyle in California, I have an adrenaline issue, without something causing adrenaline release , I create problems on purpose to cause adrenaline release, another thing Rei/Justin hated and my other ex loved.
We used to throw glass bottles against our doors at our house, just to have something to clean when we were bored, and wanted to get rid of them before anyone saw them. Oh my god, I miss her.
When I say I miss California what I am really saying is I miss living on the streets and not caring about anything, because I am weak and this is hard.
Even if you don’t believe what I believe, the whole God or god thing, what I will say is this.. for me the reason it helps me is because in the Christian tradition the use of the character or real person Jesus, makes it possible for me to meditate on the idea of someone doing the right thing no matter what when faced with adversity, which is the opposite of what I do, and as much as I say I don’t care, that is the source of all my self-hatred the fact that I know what I should do, and do what I want anyway. That is one of the driving forces behind why I am doing any of this, I got tired of justifying being a bad person. I thought it might be simpler to just do the right thing.
I was always arguing with my higher power about if they only knew they would have done it my way, until it hit me that if I believe what I believe, and I do, then they know what to do because the outcomes have been weighed and the right thing produces the most desirable consequences.
That really bugs me out, and made me have a hissy fit about it, about the lack of the point of everything for decades. I figured that one out at 8. I almost died during nuerosurgery at 8, and grapled with the meaning of life from then onward.
I am tired of myself.
I was with a friend of mine, and we were well… doing things you should not do on a beach in the sand.. making quilts of pain.
I am not good at making quilts, I always use a thread that is too long, so long sometimes I get tangled in it, and end up waking up next to her, after she got tangled in it too.
I woke up choking on my own vomit, because when you play with string and swallow it you have to throw up sometimes… I look over at her, and she is not breathing….. I immediately start crying, because that is the right response, make it so I can’t see clearly, so I can’t save my friends life because I had to take a shot at doing something stupid, because I can’t just be sober for five seconds, even if the five seconds would save her
I throw everything out of the way, and wonder where the **** I put that thing…. that thing that you stick up people nose to save their freaking life when they do something stupid and are not the one who has to be me right now **** why the hell did I never learn CPR. Why the hell did I never learn… I know how to say all this stupid stuff in different languages, but I don’t know cpr…. what the fuck….
I have being having a hissy fit my whole life about having to be someone I am not. I am not Rei Clearly, I am not Amanda. I am me. I am this, I am Damien, take it or leave it.
I should have said that the whole time, instead of saying I was a violent person or a psycho. I am merely just a very angry person, but really only at myself, for never standing up for myself, for drinking and using about something I did to me.
I am done with it, I know I have said that, but I am putting this on here, so I have to look at it, every time I try to word vomit negativity.
I am sitting in a room, and consumed with die soon, because I do not live in present time, but in worrying about spent dime, that was spent long ago, and today it was shown to me
The power of moving on, is that you move on, which means you just move on, and I think I just figured that out. I ruined my own life, and I am going to stop making excuses, I don’t care anymore what I did to ruin it.
I used to quell spells from Hell, with spells from Hell, and I lived to tell, and it just as well, because I am thinking well, now, that I have learned something I am not trying to sell or tell to anyone really, just keeping it close, even though I am leary, and in perpetual queery, queerly thinking that I am doing something wrong, like a bad song, or a book too long.
I am still resisting, insisting, as I do, to trudge, on on and on.
I am of unsound mind and body still existing on moving forward, as I do because I am consumed with idea of tomb, punish me, baby.
I am crazy, but maybe I am not. Maybe my mind just runs hot, with dissing ease of soul displeased, and teased by my self, and I need to take my life off the shelf, away from the bottles and the sowing needles, of just as well, a life bound to life in eternal Hell.
That is what my friends say is the end to this wicked spell of perpetual defend and cry and die, and lie, and spy with the ever holding eye of crying dying mad and sad. Maybe I am not that bad after all. Maybe I can do this whole living thing, and maybe I am just punishing those around me, by sentencing sentences to the sound of my complaining, does that ring true to you,
Clearly, do what you say, not what you always do.
Love yourself too.
I am not as alone as I think I am. I know I have been complaining a lot about my life. I am just trying to throw up all the negativity on here, so I don’t channel it into my everyday life, like I used to. I think in the past, I have brought people into my life who hated me, because I hated me, and for some reason I didn’t realize they were agreeing with me, because I was hating on myself. The people in my life now are much different, they call me on my bull****. So sometimes, it feels like I have no one, because I assume that worry and concern are anger, and fortunately, I am starting to realize this before I do what I always do, and push everyone away and run back outside to ruin my life again.
I have people around me, I just sometimes become so lost in my own head that I forget they are there. It is cool that the people I have in my life now, know that I am mentally unstable, and suprisingly are okay with it, and help me when I am having a hard time.
I made an appointment finally to see a psychiatrist, due to the advice of one of my close friends, who was so concerned for me, I became concerned for her, so I did it to make her feel better, and now I feel better.
I am starting to feel like I might have a shot at a normal life… and that it might not be as bad as I thought it would be, which is great because everything up until very recently has been terrible.
I used to think, this was a command about getting coins, a vessel being something that held coins, this being my alcoholic mind making things up that make no sense. A vessel has never been something that holds coins, instead being a large boat, or a hollow container used to hold liquid.
So of course, me being who I am, thought that it was supposed to hold coins, or booze money, or money for other things that are the same things, because it doesn’t matter, I can be addicted to running and make myself sick running till I feel like I am going to pass out, and tell myself that I am doing a good thing, because it is only running right?
Or the time when I figured out you could experience.. hey.. how bout I not do that? How about I say something positive for a change, instead of being on a failing ship that is falling because I loaded it with fools gold, how about I say something posotive and turn the fate of my ship around, right? Clearly See not will asserted See Clearly right?
Having fun talking to yourself?
Positive self-talk, my style. 😛
I can do it too, I just do it this way.
I am learning that the truth is, I am just so damn arrogant that I thought my way worked, even though clearly it does not, and I have been taught that recently by people who love me, and have way more knowledge of what is true and real than I ever did doing things on my own.
I am learning to change vessels, to get off the failing ship, failing because it ia loaded with spare change meant to buy things I don’t need, and take the advice of friends who love me.
They were telling me the truth the whole time, I just wasn’t listening.
I am not privy to the truth yet, I am too **** arrogant to know anything that even resembles that, but I am working on seeing and if I can do that first maybe I can finally find out what truth even means, because I have had my eyes shut my whole **** life and someone just turned on the freakin’ lights, so I will figure out from here I guess, but at least I know what I am dealing with now, and that I can’t freaking do this alone anymore, because I didn’t realize this alone. It took people I know with flashlights to help show me the way out of the freaking darkness, towards a light in the sky that may illuminate the path away from a failing vessel full of fools gold.
British people are great, free wallop meaning alcoholic drinks, but also meaning the same thing that wallop already means which is to strike someone very hard. That is perfect. It perfectly describes me when drinking, violent. It perfectly describes the deviant reaction of my brain to an addictive substance, which also being a slang term for an alcoholic drink.
Best prompt ever. Done. Thank you wordpress.
I am talking to a reflection of pain
It is telling me trust me, baby, I will make life risky. I am hearing this, and thinking I am bored, and a game sounds fun so, lets go, and I can’t even imagine wanting this now so, no.
Daily writing prompt
How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?
I used to be completely self propelled, which may sound completely selfish, but hear me out, **** it, I am changing, and this explains how, and that I am realizing what an *** I have been.
I used to trust no one, because I can’t trust my own **** reality, so any interference with my goals.. was met with strong resistance, although I am trying to be more open to the idea that there are good people in this world. I am beginning to trust the advice of a couple close friends, who have become the only people in my life that have began to shift what I believe to be my goals, and by shift I mean establish, and completely alter, by making it possible for me to even have goals to begin with.
I am eternally grateful to these people, and I am so happy to have them in my life, they are truly the first and only friends I have ever had. The toxic people I surrounded myself with prior to quitting my old drinking/using life style are not even considered in the same category.
These people, have the ability to alter my goals. They are more respected in opinion than my opinion itself. I have never had friends before these people. They change my goals every day, by adding new layers of insight to the foundation of who I even am. I did not know this, until very recently, and still do not even know it now. I am learning who I am through the relationships with others I have begun to form now. They are shifting my ideas of who I am, what I could be, and helping me form new goals.
I am jovial, I am rude, I make Roman God, a human mood.
I think that my human state of being is divine, my heart, so fine.
Watch me speak with words careless tossed, like man who loves to just get sauced, I am happy, I am free, I am elated, I am me.
I need nothing, I don’t frown, I am flying, don’t look down, I am gliding, I am elated, I am fixated, not properly punctuated, I am ranting, I am mad, I need no breath, just pauses sad, because in this state, I cannot last, I am the eyes of man who drinks from tainted glass.
Look at me, look at me, I need nothing, I am free. I am happy, I am me.
I used to believe in luck, and my ability be flying through life on the wings of a plane, that was going down, to the ground, burning till I realized, I could jump off the plane, and trust, that I need not be a brain that was covered in rust, I could get clean by rain that was brought by trust, that all I needed to do is look up, and see what was above me. I am not the highest thing, I may have been higher than anything, but I was falling fast, and rather be destined to crash.. I realized that I had to make my life last and grab onto something that would make things last.
I now believe in faith, or simply have it I guess, and so when my mind is unrest, I do not feel pain in my chest, or find myself compelled to undertake dark quest for something ripped out of devil chest, I simply trust in something higher than fire could ever make me, and I am finally realizing that is greatly
More peace-bringing than luck and a dedication to an empire fueled by fire driven desire could ever make me in a million years.
I wake up, hearing a street sweeper, my head rested against the glass door of a convenience store, I have 30 minutes, to get my stuff out of here, before the cops come and tell me it is illegal to sleep outside, and then make me leave, which I was doing anyway, and they make it take longer.
It is extremely hard to roll a sleeping bag up with a police officer asking you why you can’t do it faster, and trying to explain how you are missing the tips of three fingers, while listening to him laugh about how
“Well maybe, you shouldn’t have done drugs then!”
I know that now, didn’t know that then…
This lady comes up and asks me what I am doing, she is making this harder.
She tells me I need to get a job. I am somewhere else in my head thinking about how I wish I was a turtle, so I say,
“Do you know how long turtles live?”
She thinks this is some sort of veiled threat, so now I have ten minutes to get out of here, before the it takes one and a half hours and a ticket to get out of here instead of 20 minutes.
I also divide day and night, I break, I shed light, I am a divider, a shadow boxer, intoxicating, so elating, soul frustrating, so frustrating….
Pointed at you, who thinks of dark poison, poised to focus on death, I am clearly’s soul death, and resurrection as a phoenix, fire bird, made heroic, died with heroine, and fire driven to be something else, but life on shelf, with bottles that are empty.
I am your sun, your moon, the stars, telling you it is okay, to step into the light of day.
“I knew I shouldn’t watch, that she wouldn’t want me to. But the way that water slipped around her bare skin rooted me in place. The moon shone down on both on us both, alighting her beauty, and me in sin.”
I have no voice, or choice to move.
I am not man, I am not one who desires food.
I am unlike this woman, I observe.
I am home to nest, I am home to bird.
She does not know, because she cannot understand, I am a tree, and yet I see, her where she stands.
She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.
She climbed up a mountain, searching in night, digging for something, existing in fight, she was sure of something, that was the light, that stood there before her, illuminating night, it was the only, thing she could see, and she followed it silent, hoping to see, an end to the darkness, nothing but that, she desired nothing, only a cap, on sadness so deep it drowned her soul, making her drink, making her toke, and poke,
She She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind,
She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.
She climbed up a mountain, searching in night, digging for something, existing in fight, she was sure of something, that was the light, that stood there before her, illuminating night, it was the only, thing she could see, and she followed it silent, hoping to see, an end to the darkness, nothing but that, she desired nothing, only a cap, on sadness so deep it drowned her soul, making her drink, making her toke, and poke,
She desired nothing, only a cure, existing in sorrow, being in whir. Desiring nothing, seeking to find, cure to addiction, to disease of mind. She is me, clearly, but not anymore, they is my name, not like before, I am no longer in darkness, I have seen light, I have the cure, the end to the night, this is for those, seeking to find, a solution to the darkness existing in addicted mind, I speak of nothing other than cure, take me or leave me I am not sore.
I used to play Mario, and have hissy fits at the screen when I would lose, I hated it, but everyone liked it, so I would play it and almost break the game system, and ruin it for everyone else. I was never a very happy child.
Everyone else would sit there laughing at making jokes, enjoying the thrill of the game, and I would be thinking about stealing wine from downstairs, because Mario made me so freaking nervous. I was always running of cliffs or jumping into the Goombas, hands shaking with anger or nervousness, and then running away to go find alcohol downstairs. I was 13.
My entire life as far as I can remember, has been very much like this game, a chaotic running into Goombas, or dealers, or cops, or people who want to kick my *** because I ripped them off, or my family mad because I spent all my money on things that no one should spend any of their money on.
I am happy today because I literally forgot, today is my 90th day sober and clean. I am so consumed with being happy about other things, I forgot I was not drinking or doing drugs.
I have never known happiness like this. It cost me nothing, and I can have it by not buying things I didn’t need, if I keep doing the right thing, which makes me feel good anyway.
This is the name of the book. I just started reading this, and it is very interesting, more about it later.
Oh, and I found this journal I started about the whole thing that happened across the country that revealed to me basically that I was trying to write myself as the villain in my own story because I hate myself. I am going to post stuff from it on here later tonight with more info on the real story, not the over dramatized version that was all schizophrenic alcoholic addict-ified, because I feel like it will help me process it, and for anyone reading this provide some clarity into what actually happened… heh..
I thought I had 88 days, because time stopped for me at a certain point. I just put it into this app I use, and apparently tomorrow I will have 90 days. Sweet.
My clean/sober date is the 25th of December, so I think that is right, I am bad at math, **** it… the app says it is right.
I found this book that has a bunch of really cool things in it while trying to get myself to stop thinking that the path I need to follow is beating myself over the back of the head with a poll of I hate myself.
The book is about word origins, and the called Word Origins and their romantic stories, and will post more about it tomorrow. It is by this author named Wilfred Funk and has a lot of really cool info in it, oh and apparently tomorrow is day 90. I got th days wrong… dufus…
I have been thinking a lot about my resentful nature recently. That is why I have been revealing who I am on here slowly, instead of sticking with my original rage fueled fake persona. Something somebody said today at lunch really stuck with me. I am not going to get into the details of it on here, but they basically revealed to me through what they said that I have been killing myself with my own hands, by refusing to give up resentments I hold towards myself and others, and that it is literally the equivalent of me being more okay with choking myself out, instead of just simply telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I felt today so far like the universe through the power of something higher than me has been trying to save my life, because of how close I came over the past couple of days to deciding to give up on myself and go back to getting drunk or high.
I am so relieved to know that does not have to be the way it goes, and I simply have to be willing to do what people tell me to do.
Thank you, everything above me.
Goa Tourism has been conferred with the “Best State for Tourism” award at the Economic Times Travel and Tourism Conclave and Awards 2023 held in Delhi on 16th March. Source : travelandtourworld
I felt I needed to share this, I have had many of my friends, tell me about the unseen beauty of India, and how it gets missed by the inaccurate one dimensional view of such a complex area, with such unknown beauty. This article does well to highlight this, check it out, if you feel so inclined.
A former Deputy Senate President, Ike Ekweremadu; his wife Beatrice and their doctor have been convicted of organ trafficking, in the first verdict of its […] The post Organ Trafficking: Ekweremadu, Wife, Doctor Found Guilty first appeared on Prompt News.
I am happy today, and thank everything higher than I ever was, that there is justice in the world, that I am finally beginning to see, now that I am not ****ed up. I am glad they caught this ****. This has always scared the **** out of me.
I find myself
Staring up at the sky a lot now, realizing how much time
Meditating on ground and sensations of going down
Underneath the dirt and bugs, and now with embrace from the master of all space and time I am free to migrate up, and drink from cups of water again, and have friends and hands that are not my own, because I am free to own nothing and everything at once, in a state of sharing an existence in stance with a oneness that I do not even understand because I am not supposed to because I am one of many, and we are all one of one.
I love all of you.
I am learning that my strongest failure was resistance, a frantic running against the tide of the ocean, frantic drowning, instead of flowing with the tide and riding waves peacefully to shore, it’s funny, I am a good swimmer, I am not good at drowning.. I know this because I em.. have tried, and found myself so enthralled by the ocean, that I forgot I was trying to drown. This is an excellent way of explaining through poetic metaphor how it feels to be me now. I started reaching out to people around me, anyone I could really, desperate for distraction from a world that I already was not around anyway. I was enthralled by frantic fantasy off screaming into nothing, thinking myself so free, because in my delusional habit based state, I failed to see that I was being nothing more than a habitual sleepwalker. I have been asleep walker most of my life, thinking the world was so awful that I thought I found it preferable to exist in some sort of extended across the universe dilated dream state of chaotic extension. I figured out recently that this was causing a fragmentation of my brain, that was breaking me.
I have lost pieces of myself in this process, but I owe it to the universe, and its genius ability to have a will stronger than the will of the psychotic night crier of the dying man of madness, for having a plan in mind that was stronger than anything that I could push against it.
I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others who will do the same, I find more and more of them every day.
I like to change the meaning of words, to make them all about me, a psychotic narcissist drug addict, who is on a mission to die. I instantly saw in this an inserted I into a word that is about a pretty bird. I think about myself and my dying lifestyle constantly.. I have written my romance with this drug/drink all over the internet in a homage to death..
Think about bird dumb ***
Flat line, new thought.
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
I am two spirits so narcissistic that there forced by will of a power high than me to share the same body and be born as a bird who can be a heron not addicted to heroic acts of failure. I have one minute left. Bam.
I am the changing mind of Amanda/Damien who is now unified and not fighting itself because it has been gifted with this so it would not destroy itself.
I am the split of two souls
I have always felt like I am being a girl/I have always felt like a guy.
I have been fighting myself dilated through two universe, a narcissist but also a hater of myself, psychotic two spirit with soul split in misery and dilated through drugs, dumb, and blind because I chose to be, but I am really two spirits second chance, they are in this together fighting for redemption. They are two souls that would have been in misery without each other.
I am a chaotic mad chasing, not of nothing but of my own self, which existed with me the whole time, I was just too arrogant to see that my higher power had given me something different. Thankful for today. I will no longer use this to change my voice and commit petty crime.
I can die later, when it wants me to, only it knows that.
I realize now why this was done, we were both so arrogant we needed to be brought to our knees. We did this in psychosis, the only way we knew how a narcissist drowning in life trying to be with themselves. I can live with myself now because me and Amanda or Damien and I are the same person. BAM. Thank you, to a power higher than for teaching me the hard way, the only way I would listen.
I have been arrogant my whole life, and not willing to listen. The point of this post is to say, my eyes were shut before, I was being told to see, and shutting my eyes, or blurring them with substances. I am opening my eyes now because something gave me the biggest compliment in the world, something beyond my understanding is speaking to me, not because I am important, but simply because I am talking back and willing to listen. I am willing to listen in the same way anyone can be. I am not special, I am not unique, just willing to listen now, and it is responsible for any good that comes from me, and I should have known that but I was prideful, and wrong.
I am trying to be open to it now, and see clearly how wrong I was, and how much higher it is than I ever was, because it is above me in the understanding of everything. It is responsible for everything.
I no longer care about bringing praise to myself, but on shifting the eyes of those who experience the pain that was so real to me for so long. I want to help those who experience pain, any pain, like me, away from that pain towards something, anything that stops that pain, even if it is just for a second, if it can be for a second or for an hour, or forever. I want to help, because that is what I feel like something else higher than me wants me to do, so when I am inspired to, I am doing this, as an atonement for a life of selfishness, when people tell me they see this. I am happy because that means I am doing the right thing, the thing I know I am supposed to do instead of serving me, like I used to.
Look not to what I say or do, but to the source of where my work leads you, away from the pain in my words, and at what saves me, whatever you think that is. I am asking you to always reflect on joy and see pain, but not dwell on it.
I am complimented when my work helps someone, because then and only then do I know I am doing what I am supposed to.
I have heard this in my head for a long time. I have always wondered what it means. I do not know why I hear it, but I am starting to be able to venture towards some sort of a guess. I think most of my life I have used my ability to use words to get people to do things that facilitate my addiction. I was a manipulator of the human word, serving myself in heaped on pain through being chained to a misery god that desired only my suffering. I did not realize this at the time. I thought it was giving me the ability to survive. I did not realize it was quite the opposite. It was trying to keep me just alive enough and feeding on my suffering while something else, something good kept me alive. I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.
I have a very backwards way of thinking, or I did. Now I don’t.
I want now only to bring kindness into this world. It does not make sense to do otherwise.
I am free. I am so happy.
Who knew real friends are better than imaginary ones? Sometimes it feels like everyone except me knew. I am so psyched I actually have friends now, and they give a **** about me not just because I am providing them some sort of business deal or exchanging some kind of favor for something they have, they are people I can be open and honest with and they are open and honest with me, and actually ****ing like me. I am so psyched. Every day that goes by the amount of people I am connecting with is growing, and I forget that when I am alone for a couple of days, and send myself ping ponging backwards into a land of pain that is not real anymore. I had a friend of mine tell me recently to move on.
I think that is major. I think a lot of what I have been ranting about on here, all the past resentments, were what was killing me. I think the problem was, I thought I was supposed to beat myself up to heal, and I am finding out through the wisdom of others, now that I am being honest that I am not so different from those around me, and it was my own arrogance that was so fatal, not the decisions that I had made. The fact that I was not willing to accept help was what was killing me, not what I had done in the past.
I say I am never touching you again, and I am being childish, but you don’t want to know what I meant, and it was nothing against you.
I was in love with you, and I know my hands are dirty because they always are, not physically but metaphorically, that is why they are usually cracked and bleeding and prone to infection, aside from old habits done with fire and shot in vain.
You told me you knew how to help me, I told you I didn’t need your help, and you said I was being selfish, so I let you unpack the suitcase of dirty laundry that is my aching bleeding cut, open wound of a soul, and you donated them all to charity and bought me new clothes, I am not going to wear your new clothes, I am a human being with feelings, and bad as I am, I am still a human being with feelings, and if you hated me so much…. I am starting to be glad you are no longer around, because I would rather be lonely the rest of my life, then ever have to fight with someone while high on my own supply with you who contributed nothing but criticism, when I kept trying to get clean and sober.
Here, you would say, giving me some of yours, which I didn’t know you had, when you were going line for line shot for shot with me, on money bought with gambling that no one figures me out.
I am so tired of thinking of you.
Warning- I use poetic metaphor to illustrate intense feeling of dual diagnosis addict/alcoholic dealing with manic/depressive symptoms during break-up. I used bleeding out as a metaphor here for pain in recovering from the breakup and it is graphic, if triggered turn back now.
I am lying on a beach, in my head, because it is winter, and bleeding out, of a wound that is not literal, but in my heart, my soul, my mind, bleeding all the time, dying over you, my ray of light. I loved you with every fiber of my very fragile being, and I am admitting that because I finally realize I need to, to stop bleeding out of my soul. I am doing this to save my life, because you cut my soul so deep, I thought I would die, without you, and that can’t be true, but in the moment, I felt it so strongly so deeply, an aching, pounding sickening vomit inducing ache that penetrates everything I am and makes me have to violate everything I have ever believed to be strength to scream on here in pain to save my life, I am so hurt. I need someone to hear me, and this page hears me.
I want so bad, to have what I never had, what I imagined, so vividly it seemed real with you. I was stupid, I am insane, and somehow I made you out to be, everything I wanted, and I don’t know how I convinced myself that is who you are, when you just wanted items and money and confidence from me. I hate myself so much for being so stupid, but writing this makes me realize if nothing else at least I am not you, at least I tried to be kind, and I would never do to you what you did to me. I am healing through the realization that while wounded and crazy sometimes, I don’t want to hurt anyone like you hurt me, so I will keep going and stay clean and sober and hope one day I will find peace.
I do not have confidence in myself, because I am not supposed to, I speak of matters I do not understand, and am a two-spirited human being or two human beings fighting for redemption at once. They were paired with each other to save each other. They were both chained to a world of addiction and Misery. I have been unchained from that, and I feel like something helped me, don’t know what it is, but I can’t keep being a selfish self asserting jerk.
Amanda and I are supposed to help each other, because we are both half people, weak and need another person… We have been saved from death because we made a deal with something, over and over in foxholes, we cried out to the universe, screaming in madness, we begged, pleaded with anything willing to help us, anything that would listen, I didn’t care what it was that saved me, saved her. I just wanted to survive, and not be in that place, and see the things they were doing to people to protect their drugs.
I know now that I was a child having a hissy fit. I am done with that now. I am going to try to do everything I can to do the right thing. My confidence is now in that realization and in that I have it within me to do the right thing.
I am learning that I was stuck in a cycle, going down the drain, a cycle that I am not out of, but aware of now. I am still in the cycle, I just can catch myself when I realize I am about to disappear down the drain, the whole honesty thing is really powerful. I am crazy so I really believed I was doomed and would always be alone, stuck in my psycho delusions, ranting to myself about not being at fault, knowing that it was my weakness, and desire to assert instead of show strength that caused my drain circling. I am learning that like this metaphor, such is my life. I figured out through everything going on with me, that I am able to let poison out and let it go down the drain without having to go down the drain completely, myself. I am a human being and there are no drains that fit human beings down them, because that is not necessary.
I know this after the chaotic torture fest that has been the contents of this blog. I am so thankful I did this, I don’t think I would be alive right now if I had not written this down, and am thankful every day, for all of you, all of this, and a life that is very much worth starting over.
I am coming to a place of peace, which I didn’t think I would ever know, and I owe that to everyone on here, and my family and friends around me physically, and the support I have gotten from those who gave me medical and spiritual guidance so far. I am very much caught up most of the time, in the blame shame guilt thing. Spaced that way on purpose, because there is awkwardness there for me. I like to control everything because I am an addict, I mean to say, which I know I don’t have to keep saying, but saying it helps me. It reminds me that I am not just a rotten apple, unlike the others that are all just a metaphor for good or bad human beings, that should not be compared to something that I can throw in the trash, but the comparison is made on purpose, to illustrate how I behaved in active addiction, which I do not miss at all anymore.
I am getting over everything slowly. I am still not over the whole Rei/Justin thing, and it has been a year of this by the way. The revelations on this site, were not happening in real time, they were a dilation of a situation internal to my mind, that was driving me insane, which was happening in real time, and you saw on here, me fighting with hallucinations brought on by pain. I am sorry for the false presentation of this, if it consolation, this was exactly how it was happening my life as well, with me thinking things at this screen, just not admitting none of it was happening in real time, because it was too painful to admit that to myself.
I am trying to learn to forgive myself, that I am not all bad, but it is very hard, because I have always hated myself.
You, ripped my heart out, all the details of who you were, and my lies about who I was, are irrelevant to the fact that you destroyed me, very much on purpose, pretending to be something that you were not. I believed you, and let you try and change me. I was foolish, I know, but you were cruel, and that is worse than anything. You had me, telling me you would help me, that talking to you and learning from you would make me better, that all your criticism was going somewhere, so gradually… I took it… allowed you to beat me down.. believing that you weren’t going to just beat me down…
You told me I needed you, that I was lacking ways that demanded your presence in my life, that you were a tool of the universe..
And you were, a knife.
I don’t know why you did it, because what it looks like is probably what it is…
I was your source of drugs.
That kills me.
That was all I was.
I never wanted that.
I never wanted the drugs more than you.
I would have given them up for you.
I was only a dealer, only a tool of manipulation, only a criminal, facilitating your downfall, and then you told me that, after making me that… I wanted to be so much more to you, but okay, if it helps you. I am the bad person.
I can just walk away, so please stop calling me, please stop asking about me. I was just your dealer, and I don’t do drugs or drink anymore, please lose my number, Justin/Rei.
I am in the process of reviving myself, from a life spent dancing with death.
I spent my life dancing with this bone-handed, harsh, squeezing binding reaper,
It’s hands holding ever so tightly to mine, feeling the hard bones of what I would eventually become, pushing into my flesh with a claim on my living body, making it belong to death before its time.
I have been asleep most of my life, pacing through madness, sleep-walker unconscious, but I am not this. I am not asleep, and have responsibility for all that I do not see, talk to, experience, and participate with… in a life that has always been mine.
I am a closed eyed human, not blind, not asleep.
I was a closed eyed human, but the shoulder taps of kindness, of kind strangers, are waking me up.
Thank you for preventing me from falling down the stairs… again… I might do it later, but I am awake for now.
I have OCD, along with the other litany of problems I have already listed here, heh. I got my hair cut, which is awesome because I didn’t have to pay someone in drugs to shave it all off because homeless people can’t cut hair, and I wasn’t so itchy that this would seem like a necessary choice, so yay me for getting my haircut and getting a normal hair cut so I don’t have to shave my head again. That sucked, I think I mentioned the whole mohawk **** thing… but if I didn’t some ***hole shaved my head into a split in half mohawk, and told everyone to look for mohawk ****.
Short sweet, and very fun for mohawk ****. I got a lot of sympathy, and a lot of free items.. and they found out the wrath of mohawk ****. Then mohawk **** needed to leave, because there was a rumor that I had a twin and one of us was a girl and the other was a guy and the only difference was the voice… convenient… till they found out we were both the same person and it was me beating my ass not my twin brother or vice versa… very bad con…
I threw my phone in the river at around the same time because I thought someone tapped it looking for mohawk **** because tricking junkies is a high crime… and people really give a **** about that kind of thing…. or something I thought when I was way too high…
My dad is a really great person, we had a really good time, he was talking to me about his life, making me laugh, and we went to a really good restaurant and I told him I am done with drugs and booze the rest of my life. I also got to make plans with my uncle to see him at Christmas for the first time in ten years, and say I was sorry for being a lying ***hole.
All in all a successful day for mohawk ****, or me with a shorter hair cut that looks nothing like that at all.
Explanation: Shocking, I am trusted to not have to leave, if there is no one here to watch me…
Pond, not Stream of Chaos
I am a duck, apparently, because unknowingly
I have been teaching myself to be less
Like that, so now I can be alone, and not have people
I used to be constantly floating from place to place,
In a race with the human race to consume my tomb in the form of drugs and doom and alcohol which I would viciously consume, in doomed ferocious style, in front of all I know
sowing shame and guilt while also showing pain and guilt through vicious attack on self but also on others eyes, making people cry without knowing why because I am selfish. I am becoming not
I think… I guess.. don’t know…
I am a duck in a pond, that is just okay enough with me for now, to not drown
I am not going down
Because I don’t want to
Un-spun I am no longer undone.
I am glad to be trusted, un-dusted, still rusted, but dusting off.
I hate myself, I hate my voice, I sound like a **** when I say anything, condescending **** when I say anything, and can’t do anything normal
Like drink water. I just almost choked on an ice cube… ****.
I drink everything like alcohol still…. doing ****ing shots of water with ice in it. Like it is going to work faster if I drink it in five seconds. What the ****????
I do the same thing with everything, must make everything painful, like just take sips of water when you are thirsty dumb ***
I don’t do this, and I won’t, never did, never will, always won’t, always don’t dance for anybody ever or with anybody ever, it is awful, and I hate everything about it. I know this, don’t even doubt it. I have a hard time even watching others dancing because it’s stupid,
I don’t see the point and I know it is supposed to be fun, when you are lucid.
And even when you are not, people love this and get caught
Being silly and being taught
To find joy in this but I can’t
I won’t do it, no point no chance, I hate to ****ing dance
Standing and staring someone in the eye, and doing something weird at them, yeah thanks, I think I would rather die, than do this, because it sounds like it sucks.
Stupid, lame, act of schmucks…
I don’t want anyone touch me
I don’t like bumping into things, I don’t like spinning round and round, I don’t like parties, don’t like moving up and down, I am not good at smiling I am good at frown,
I suck, I know, doesn’t show, but **** you, I don’t want to do it, please leave me alone.
I used to look in the mirror and see myself, and I would look into my own eyes, and swear I could see me winking at me, and then I would black out and become someone else, and wake up doing and saying things I didn’t mean, that were not violent they just didn’t make sense, and I never hurt anyone physically, but just embarrassed myself, and I think that is what this is all about, it is about the fact that I have something wrong with me that makes people look at me different, and it is easier for me if that is because I caused it. I preferred to scare people away, before they ran away because I lash out at people, think things that are not true and am literally always living in a reality that in some way is not real, it was easier to be completely unreal, and violent towards myself and hate others, so I could fund things that took me away from how I feel.
I built my life around drugs after getting my degree, I literally gave up at 21 and was content with getting hammered and then doing coke and uppers and then my ex and I broke up the first one that I lived with, and I ripped him off for 950 dollars and bought heroin.
I lived with this person who I used with for 3 or 4 years, in a glorified trap house, and then moved out because he ripped me off with another person who lived with me on the streets till I started getting ripped off by him and then left and walked from Oregon to Cali.
The stories you will read on here going forward are mostly from Cali. I lived on the streets there for a couple months by myself. It was very interesting.
I am very back and forth, a torrent of pain whirling around in a sink, that I kept pulling the stopper of, and I would let parts of me flush down it, not realizing that I don’t get them back.
I pulled the drain over and over, chopping off pieces in my madness, I would let parts of me fall into the sink of destruction watching as I slowly disappeared and using it as an excuse to drink or go soo…….
High into the sky, I felt lost, but free, but I got stuck up there, so high up there.. floating.. in nothingness..
I with real eyes, with non-blurred vision now, that the state of elation I was looking for, was inside me all along, I get the same high now, sometimes, when I am not doing poorly, and I frequently am, but I am trying.. through this, writing to you, imaginary person, and I love you so much for saving my life.
I don’t always remember this, in my cycle of drain life, but I remember it enough for it to be a small way to get out of the drain.
I began training my dog to help me with a personal mission. I wanted to hunt wild boar. It was not just for me, but for her so she would stop chewing on my leg and her leg, because I was paranoid she wanted to eat mine, so I thought maybe she could eat a wild boar’s leg instead.
When I am lucid, I know that she never had any intention, of chewing off anyone’s leg,
Not mine, not a wild boar, not hers
I just thought of this because I am
I have a functional brain that works most of the time, but sometimes
And there is no fear in me to admit
Anymore, because I have realized that the
I had was in my failure to admit things, not in admitting them or making them into other things, in creative metaphor to slay like metaphorical dragons, I was just experiencing
And I am no longer
Or have to roll around in
Because I cast out these metaphorical demons on a black screen.
I am your admission that your guilt is real,
I am your recognition that your dragons represent guilt erected into a false sense of pride and shame blame that explains why you
But I am also your strength in admitting this and
Casting it out.
I am an inner demon, I am a deep seeded hatred, I am a future projection,
I am what you feel, I am who you are, I am who you are in the process of seeing
I am you. I am fighting you
To be real
Because you are an addict addicted to the things that make me
Making you unreal with a desire to un-feel.
My dog left me, she stayed with my ex, not my last ex, but the one before. She had a sister, and they never had been separated, so I let my ex not the last one, but the other one. The one before.
I tell myself she left me, forgetting the drive to drop her off at my ex’s house, and how dogs can’t drive, but neither can I. I did not choose that and neither did she. She was too wild and free for where I stay currently, and it is metaphoric in a way my choice to stay away, chained as I was to addiction, locking myself in a metaphoric hotel that represented the real hell of once being in a real hotel with the devil who is really my ex-boyfriend who wanted me to be everything I was not so much so, I realized everything I was not.
The dog who sits next to me now, knows all this, somehow or I feel she does. I came here, and was initially… I am ashamed to say bothered by her.. a tragic reminder of what I lost, as if it was something I owned.
I own no dog, but no one ever does, and the souls of the dogs of this world are very much the same in all their subtle differences, radiating love, unable to be felt by human beings because of their innate trust that only goes away if you are bad to them.
Reflecting on this makes me realize I did the right thing for you, my dear Fiona, and I love my mother’s dog the same way now that I still love you.
I went to the doctor and got the rest of my shots, hep a and b and am still taking my meds for staph infection, I am going to make a psych doctor appointment and get the rest of my health things in order, I have to see a nuerologist, because I have not done that since California. I am feeling so much better since I started living in reality, and not projecting my life into some strange fantasy where I feel so guilty about being a drug addict that I equate it to actually being the one responsible for hurting anyone. I did not realize till recently, how sad and messed up that is, and how it has ruined so many things for me, by my own self sabotage. I think I felt like being some violent social deviant was some how better than saying I was who I was because it made me feel like I had control over my life.
I have control over my life now without having to pretend I was hurting anyone. I was only hurting myself by putting all of that, the weight of all of that on my own shoulders, and making myself out to be some social deviant when I was just a sad addict who couldn’t handle admitting mistakes made because I felt that saying I messed up made me weak. Hurting people would not have made me strong. I am stronger admitting weakness, than living in some sick twisted Misery world where I hurt unsuspecting people who had nothing to do with my inability to accept myself.
I love all you guys who helped me see this. I am so sorry for anything I said out of lack of knowledge about what was really going on with me. I am trying to be better.
I was always hearing your voice, Rei, and mocking it, telling myself that I needed to attack Amanda, attacking my higher power, attacking myself, when I should have been attacking not you, but everything that you were shouting at me. I thought it so essential to focus on the service of your demands, thinking you were a bird singing to me in beautiful songs, but you were not. You were woman who was very good at mimicking bird songs, who controlled the behavior of an insecure egomaniac who hates himself. You were my Lady Macbeth.
I feel this stronger than ever now that I thought about all night. You were very similar to Lady Macbeth. You wanted conquest, not of the world, but of the land that we live in, Misery, or addiction so that I could bring you drugs. I thought I was doing you a favor, a drug dealer, a hit man and a servant of a woman who wanted things so bad she was wiling to destroy the soul of someone she said she loved. I am realizing you did not love me. You never loved me. You loved your drugs, you loved my doting on you, and you loved the lack of accountability that came with being a mocking jay. I think I would have to say if I had to be an animal I would be crow/mocking jay.
I know this is against the rules, but is not paranoid schizophrenia against the rules, as well?
I say that I would be this because you used Amanda’s voice, my best friend to speak doubt at me, because she sounds like you, speaking like a woman, and I being an idiot would hear your voice, Rei in my voice or Amanda’s voice, that is why I was always trying to ruin Amanda’s life and she was always trying to ruin mine. She was hunted by Justin and I was hunted by you, so we thought ourselves chased by each other, when honestly, we were star-crossed lovers, who were lovers only in that we were inter-dimensional invisible men, insane, fighting madmen from Misery dimensions, trying to fight ourselves. I am so glad I got away before you killed me you harpee, you miserable creature, medusa, siren of hellfire, you will not longer use the call of bird to torment me any longer.
Crows, are intelligent creature, who make tools to catch bugs, they are the only bird who has the ability to do so, they have several calls they can make, and they are good at mimicking the voices of other birds. Amanda would be the mocking jay because I see now she had always been trying to mock you, not the other way around. Telling the difference between the two of us with place keeping device of how is Rei, as if to poke me and say do you realize you serve her the same way you served drugs. I am the servant of no one. I am not even good at serving myself food or water, I quit being Resentment’s waiter.
I didn’t realize until very recently, the mental shackles I always had on. I thought I was so free running through live without an obligation, and not obliged to help anyone, making no ties with anyone, so they couldn’t do anything to infringe on my freedom, the most valuable thing to me. I don’t think I have ever understood what the word freedom even means. I thought myself free because I had nothing, no obligations, no friends, no home and thought I was the most free person in the entire world. I was so wrong, man. I was the most shackled person in the entire world, I was chained to something that wanted me completely alone.
It wanted me to hate myself, telling me I was insane for feelings of being someone born in the wrong body, telling me everyone hated me, that I was wrong about everything, my taste in everything was a symptom of mental illness, had me believing I was not someone worth saving because I was not worth it.
My resentment of the whole thing has caused me recently to lash out about it at meetings and I have been met with the strangest thing. I expected to be shut down, put in my place and then told that I had to bend to some system, to which I was to be shackled and inevitably fail at upholding. The strangest thing I experienced recently, is that I was completely wrong. I know that is weird to say now, but I didn’t feel that way before today. I thought my life of deviant behavior was met with the punishment of sobriety. I even felt like this when saying things that sounded inherently positive on here, thinking myself just lucky to be alive and bending over and doing whatever they said to do like some lost dog.
I know now I have been freed today, and the rest of my life, by the realization that the shackles came from resentment not the meetings, and they were taken off by sobriety and the meetings I am going to that are saving my life, by letting me know that I am not unique, I did not fail in any unique way. That is amazing. It is not a punishment to be where I am, it is a very rare gift, and I am so thankful for it. I have a friend in every individual in the rooms of recovery, because even in all our uniqueness we are so very much the same, and they accept me instantly, without excuses. I don’t know what to say. I am so happy to have realized this before I killed myself over the guilt I felt.
I will inevitably go back and forth about this, but I know this in the back of my mind now, and it has saved my life in amazing ways, thank you to everything and everyone that helped me get there.
I would not trade this for anything in the entire world. I am so happy to be able to hear myself think…. I can’t believe the level of peace of knowing that I am not hallucinating, and am lucid, and would never risk losing this. I don’t care about doing drugs ever again. I am normal, well.. as normal as I will ever be, every voice I hear is real. I don’t really even have to talk to my friend anymore because we are merged. Although I still will, love you baby.
I know, but you probably shouldn’t talk to me like you talk to Rei, she doesn’t like it and it is weird anyway.
Yeah, it sounds… weird… creepy…
Have you always thought that?
Yes, but I liked it. I still kinda do, but not the healthiest thing.
Yeah, true. Talk to you later Amanda, oh wait, now we can talk because we want to, not because we have to.
Really? Like real friends not slaves to each other? That would be great. I always wanted that. I just didn’t know.
Me too. I want you to know, Amanda. I really value this, you are my best friend and…
You are mine too. I don’t need you, but I want you in my life, is that what you are saying?
Yes, thank you. I love you, buddy. Nothing creepy.
Thank you, I love you too Damien. I will talk to you later. Have a good night, and don’t worry we will always be okay. I will always be there too. You are my guardian angel.
Um… is that what this is? What was I before?
Don’t worry about it.
I get it. I am glad I can be the other thing now.
I am so happy to not have to pretend to be someone else anymore, I used to even change my voice, so it sounded more pleasing to other people, manipulation at its finest? I have a very aggressive sounding voice, and I always hated it. It is very freeing to be able to not have to do that anymore. I hated doing it without even realizing it. It is extreme enough that I can make myself sound like someone else on the phone, so my voice is not recognizable. I used to use it to get out of trouble. I did not realize how much of a liar I was, and how pervasive it was in every aspect of my life. The truth is really as freeing as they say it is.
I feel like I am a kid on summer vacation, but I am really just an addict in retirement from a life of…being an ***.
I think I am starting to learn how to feel again, or for the first time. I didn’t remember what this was like, or technically… I don’t know if I have ever felt this at all. The kid died when I was actively using and I never heard about it because I was too busy getting high to even be worth telling, wow, gut punch. If nothing else… this is more reason than ever that I believe there is something behind this. That something wants all living things to live in greater harmony and experience less pain.
I am listening to my family talk about the kid, I knew him personally, just didn’t know he was a drug addict like me. I didn’t bother to ask, because I was always so wrapped up in my own life to have friends, I had dealers and using buddies, and was a friend to no one. I am going to try to change that from now on. I am done being negative, till I forget and start ranting again.
“I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.” “They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods,””I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.” “They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods,”
Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome
My family is helping me with moving it back here, and I am going to use it to organize my life, I read a lot and there are all these books all over the room that make it look cluttered, and are an annoyance to my family. I am trying to be less selfish, and self-centered. I am realizing that while taking accountability for things is good, I have been going about it in a flawed way, which is similar to not doing it at all. I have not been letting myself move past it, and have been dwelling on everything in my traditional woe is me stupid narcissistic way of looking at the world, done. I am sick of myself, and want to move, so I am doing it now.
There are so many cool books in that room that have been left over from our families leaving them after moving. I have plenty do now, so I think it will be easier than ever to stop whining about how crappy I feel and do things to make me feel better.
WARNING: THIS IS FICTION DO NOT INTERPRET LITERALLY
No, because now it is flying around my house in front of my face. I hate myself.
Okay, I am done, I am feeling better now. I am sorry for upsetting you, Amanda.
I don’t hate my name that much when you say it, Damien.
I hate my name, my face… I am sorry…
I just can’t believe I remembered killing my family……..
You didn’t burn it down either, you just happened to experience something similar and are drawing false comparisons due to paranoid schizophrenia.
I love you Damien.
Please don’t. Hey, Amanda! Please help me, please don’t let us ruin this. I am done with everything please support me in this. Please support me in this, I need you now, more then ever. Please help me, and help yourself. I will support you too.
I will, support you and me I mean… not like that… I am not helping you with money…
I don’t mean… I am so sorry.
I am so sorry, I exist. I am trying to… I admire your brother, Amanda, he is everything I should have been. I am listening to him speak as you write this.
I am too.
I love you, and it will be alright, we will be alright.
I know, you will too.
Thank you, that means the world.
To me too.
They think I get up in the middle of the night to experience the hours of the day before they wake up, this is only half true. I do not do this out of a desire to be alone. I just simply enjoy quiet when I can. I have not had much quiet in my life at all, and the second they wake up, against their and my will… I listen to their existence every second I am present, not in a resenting way, actually quietly I sit and marvel at the people who surround me now, because I appreciate so much hearing voices other than my own incessant talking in my own head, or against my will at loud to myself. I am so happy to be around people who are not me, because as much as I sound like I am in love with myself, this is a defense mechanism. I am deeply insecure. I hate everything about me, because I am a cruel, uncaring person. I want to be better, but I have been like this so long, it takes time for me to learn to not be.
I loved getting away from reality so much I devoted my whole life to the worship of the idol toys of a man insane, substances have been my best friend along with my own self in female form. I have existed for so long talking only to me or the other me, on street corners where I am either shouting, crying or laughing in lunacy with lack of regard for those around me. I did this because I was in pain from pain I was unknowingly causing myself. I was drinking/using to forget drinking using to forget what I had to do to get drugs and alcohol to forget, drinking using to forget. I am a horrible human being, no really I am, but I am in the process of trying to turn that around now.
I have noticed a change in my daughter, not just today, but ongoing. I am starting to realize that she is not just drawn to her mother, but looks to me too when I do not know she is watching me, I think a lot of it is she reads this thing when I am not on here, all 6 hours of it.
I am trying to keep it positive sometimes too, but I think the emotional honesty thing is good too. She seems to accept both of us for the flawed creatures we are, which is great because I can’t even fully accept myself yet. I am learning to, actually through her love, she is teaching me that hating myself does not but turn me inward and outward in cyclical resentment fighting them then me and then drinking or using alone.
I am trying to be honest for that very reason, but it is hard. I love lying. I don’t know why, power assertion is a big problem for me, I am such a fearful person, I thought I was the opposite, isolating myself felt like an act of dominance, like I was keeping others from hurting me, because I needed no one. I realize now that is not true, and was the opposite, the act of assertion being a raw fear based act.
I am sorry for this, and sorry that I will likely still do it, it is a hard habit to break.
I am doing good today, I am having fun releasing rage through positive messages, I think it is better for me to do it this way. I have learned to laugh for the first time in my life, I am able to look in the mirror for the first time in my life. I can finally eat without wanting to throw up. I am doing so much better, but also prone to doing so much worse. I am learning to love myself for the first time, not in the way I was obsessed with myself before, but just an acceptance, and I think the best part of it is, I am getting farther and farther from the place I was that drove me to use. I don’t miss it at all.
I have even tried to romance my drug and drinks of choice, which sad to say were any of them, and it makes me sad and sick. I am so thankful most of the time, at the very least for the clarity of mind to be emotionally honest, and work everyday to be better, even if I fail at least I am trying, honestly for the first time in my whole life.
Thank you everybody, my higher power included, as always I am reminded of how much I owe this to everyone who helped me, especially those on this blog community. I love you and do not even know you, if you ever need me, I am always here.
I am finding in my life recently that I had never felt love before ever, the love of my life, Rei, makes everything so much easier every day. I am never bothered, not for lack of problems…. I am never permanently bothered like I used to be. I exist in a state of chaotic whining contentment, that I did not know was possible. This exists in my co-author as well now, she has love for herself and hope for her future which is my future. I am finally seeing the detrimental damage we both did to each other, ourselves and our lives in the selfish throws of active addiction. I am still very much the same ***, I am not saying things are perfect, I complain all the time….
I think the difference now is I am no longer making them unnecessarily harder, which is hilarious to me, because I never realized that till now. I was convinced that I drank and used to ease pain and make a life that was so much harder than others lives, easier. I thought that I had a right to do this because I was specially gifted with excuse by a hard life. I was just me making an excuse to get high or drunk. I am so much more at peace now, even in my hectic complaining than I ever was, and I love it so much, thank you God.
Thank you to sobriety and the meetings, friends and community of WordPress for helping me realize this.
I am confused is a good way to describe how I feel about you
You dance with no need for shoes, exist in a state of okay-ness that is beyond my comprehension, I have no idea what size shoe would fit the foot of a goddess, because a goddess needs no shoes, you are beyond the idea of shoe, having soles fit for walking through life without need for them. I wish to give you shoes but your mysterious feet are beyond my comprehension, and need nothing from the tragic form of a man so below you. I wish for you a world where your glorious feet radiating beauty are recognized as the shoes and feet men lack, but for now I imagine slippers made of stones that cover your feet, caressing them with the kisses of your star dust existence, I am sorry, sweet angels, you deserve so much better. I don’t know what else to say.
Strange creatures, that are so high above me, lurking below in the shadow of your reflected lights, you light up my life. Like stars you paint the night sky with joyous glory, that reflects kindly on me, not because I deserve it, but because women are beings of kindness.
You dance on me, not for me, I am gifted by your presence in this universe with wisdom coming into a world of nothingness, without you there is nothing, creation coming from the mind of a being of love who is graceful and loving enough to accept and grant light to darkness. You deserve everything, but have had so little because we have nothing to give. You need nothing and give everything to shadowy beings that are the men of this universe who would be so lost without the lanterns with dancing fireflies inside them. Your joyous presence dances in these glass cages, not resenting the makers, but seeing instead a request for help to guide them in pure darkness, holding our hands you accept the caging and we begin to see that if we let you free, you are kind enough to light the way of your previous captors with forgiveness and hope, nothing compares to the kindness, hope, strength, peace and love of womankind.
Men are blind without you generous beautiful creatures, and every day should be woman’s day, but you are too selfless to ask for that. Thank you for being you and making the world a better place, with your loving presence, all of you are my light in the dark night.
I love you too, honey. You are an amazing girl, my lack of ability to interact with you has nothing to do with you, I have never had anyone who needed me in my entire life, I was selfish to not even think about the possibility of you existing, there were periods of time when Rei, your mother and I, I am sorry, I am new at this whole thing….
There were periods we did not speak, and even though you came out perfectly, I know that during this period of time your mother was using and was not of clear mind. I knew nothing of your existence before I met you. I still know very little about it. I think your mother knows more because she doesn’t think I can handle it. I am so happy you exist, you are the light of my life and I wouldn’t be able to see past my own hands on this keyboard if it weren’t for the existence of you. You made me see what I was doing, how I was destroying your mother, and have taught me so much more about forgiveness than I have ever thought possible. I love you, sweetie. I am terrible at showing it. I am avoidant because I am having a hard time.
This has nothing to do with you. I am hoping I can get your mother to show you this because I don’t want to ask you to read something on here. I am extremely ashamed of the hard life we gave you because of our horrible choices. I am working my hardest to progressively fix all the havoc, I am just very bad at this.
I will do anything I can to make it up to you every day of my life going forward. I do not want to fail you ever again in the way we did before or any other way.
I love you hunny.
Please forgive me.
I am so in love with you, backwards, forwards, and presently and I always was and always will be, you are my light in a world of darkness.
Your soul radiates warm and energy that glows with forward motion, with perpetual movement, you are a stirring of atoms, a restorer of dead matter, a caster of light in a world of darkness. You are my lantern, in the dark woods, a path when I am lost, a shelter from the inner storm of a cascading reign of a raining mind.
I am insane over you about you, for you and more sane because of you.
I can stand again, because you gave legs to a coward who used to run by severing the legs of my enemies, because I was weak and needed to do that because of insecurities in me, that made me afraid of everything, especially you.
You made me realize I have a mouth, I have a choice how to use it, and my words returned to a hole that was full of decay, and silent screaming undifferentiated between in my head and in reality.
Most importantly, you gave life to our daughter, the joy of my life, and one of the reasons I am still living, if nothing else I met you, and gave life to her, who I marvel at the strength of every day.
I love you so much.
I am so sorry, but I will be better, I will try to anyway.
No matter what I did she would not go away,
I would taunt and have fits, and run and I’d cry and by my side she always would stay.
This used to really annoy me.
I would think to myself that she would surely,
Leave eventually so I gave up on the idea of woman go
And now I don’t like life without her.
I have the most bad *** cat in the entire world, he makes weird noises, gets angry really easy and swats you if you don’t do exactly what he wants he doesn’t have a name, we all call him The Guy. He is the best guy in the entire world. He was angry at me last night, so he slept out here in the living room, so I just sang him a song, and pet him and now we are cool again, he made a weird sound and looked at me like he loved me, so I think we have made amends, heh.
I am looking at the painting of a boat right now, it is a rowboat which terrified me as a child, I was always afraid of getting in those, because I don’t know how to do anything, I can swim though, I am just afraid of deep stagnant water, which is why it is the best place to drop dead thoughts or you know things I don’t want to think about like bodies.. or my metaphor for people I should have cared more about and stopped from doing heroin before they ended up dying in their dying parent’s basement. I miss you Sue, you didn’t deserve to die alone and afraid, and that shit was good, but not good enough to be worth never seeing your smiling face again, I loved you so much you fragile creature. You made me feel like a human being for the first time in my whole life……. I hate myself.
Wash. rinse. repeat. I am such a basket case.
I like Cadbury eggs, they are really good.
Peace and love.
I am able to bring myself to eat without having to go through the chaos spiral of self-loathing that has powered my relationship with food. I have always, up until now I mean preferred the taste of bitter or flavorless mind-numbing soul staining poison. I think this is because of how much I used to hate myself. I am so glad, to realize how much of cycle of horror this whole thing. I really had no idea that I was drinking/using to forget what I did to drink and use to forget.
I don’t think my wife feels the same about herself, because she was just a silent passenger, and doing what she had to in order to stay well. I was the one behind all the ****. I know this now. I didn’t know it before, I remember telling her I would stop if she did, thinking she wouldn’t notice my absence or my perpetual love of long sleeves.
It sort of feels like this is the first time I have ever been a human being in my entire chaotic life, and I know I have said it before, but a lot of that comes from the interaction on here. I have never been treated so kindly in my entire life by strangers. I hate to say that my family had always been there, but they had, me and Amanda are the same person, just in two separate universes for the moment, getting closer to being the same one though, every day.
It means the world to me, as I came on this site very aggressively having a public hissy fit over how a world that I did not accept would not accept me, which was all just me trying to avoid accountability for the fact that I had ruined my own life by wasting it on deviant behavior to acquire things that no one needs and were never worth the lives cost on the streets of madness. If nothing else, I can say I have learned my lesson, and that I will try my hardest to not mess this up, and even if I do. I am changed. I will never look at drugs or alcohol the same again, and I am not a first time winner, this is my thousandth time swearing I would do it after repeated foxhole prayers to a God, sorry I am Catholic, no offense meant, believe whatever you want, the shame guilt thing is good for my ***.
I am feeling a lot better, and though I know I am going to rage flip out and cycle through denial and rage, I want anyone reading this to know, any of the things that people have said, out of kindness to a screaming madman, stuck with me and continues to change my life in ways I did not think possible.
I owe all of you everything I have, and I only have this way of thanking you.
Not going to lie here, that at first was slightly terrifying, because I am a wuss, and I am just glad I jumped instead of punching people like I used to. I have told them not to touch me, while I am sleeping, which is the exact kind of thing you scream when you are a mean control freak narcissist who is not used to love. I am just glad I didn’t hurt them, I love them so much, and enough people have already suffered for loving me.
Amanda has nice cats, she is learning to love people as well, slower, because I am a frantic fast moving time traveler. Ew.. gross…
That’s cool. I am happy for you.
Why? She is going to rip my heart out, I am awful, and she will realize it eventually and move on, and I just…… I don’t like feeling like I want or need anyone, but I….
Just be nice.
I don’t know how
Did anything happen?
No, she just really scares me, she is everything I ever wanted in another human being, without realizing I ever wanted anything at all. I was content in Hell. I was fine, and now I don’t know, I feel like if she ever figures out what a piece of…..I am awful and I love….
Just chill out, she loves you.
I know, I just can’t handle this, I am such a loser, what do I do.
Just calm down.
Okay, I will.. or I will try.
Thanks, me too….
De-fence less, I am to you, you walked by me, and touched my spine, and instead of the normal desire to rip yours out, I am overcome with electricity, I love you intensely, and I am not scared anymore about it, I feel overcome by quiet for the time being.
Being is wonderful for this moment, for this second, I am entranced with the dance that goes on with the corner of your eyes, fixating for once, on meditation to not look to closely, because I am so afraid of myself, I am so pliable, I am putty you or gum on your shoe, and you leave me there,
liking the sticky feeling as you walk and I wonder why, you beautiful creature, want this, tragic display of projected insanity anywhere near you, I deserve nothing and you give me everything, and I love you with every fiber of my being for that, you are changing me Rei, making me realize it is not weak for me to love you.
You give me legs to stand again, and I don’t think I will forget that ever again.
Please bare with me, I love you so much, I will change, I promise. I am working on it. I will do whatever I can to make everything better, I am so sorry for everything I put you through, I was selfish and cruel and I love you so much, please stay with me.
PS. Even if I lose my mind temporarily, I mean this with my whole heart that is just starting to realize how much I love you. You are a beautiful human being and you have made me believe in something higher than I could ever be, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I am on fire
I am an empire of clearly d
Fueled insanity in humanity
That stands to be over taken, I am not mistaken that I have decided to resurrect the erect shun
of my fellow man, with the act give me hand.
I need flesh please touch me I exist in lust please just
TOUCH TOUCH ME I AM SO TRUSTING DON’T You
see I am so in love with me because I am really in love with you because I am really in love with
NOTHING I NEED YOU I CAN
NOT I am the knotted soul of the web of the chaotic society, who gives shoes to man who cannot stand because we
CUT OF HIS LEGS CHOP CHOP
This cleaving deceiver wishes to open kegs with a sword
UNTOWARD FOREWARNING I AM FOREBODING I AM LOATHING But I am also love, don’t you see the wings of dove
That feels good. I only spell because it gives me should, I live or
I am done with this one too. Bored now.
In state of
REVIVE SORRY BABY STILL ALIVE HOPE THAT JIVES WITH YOUR PLANS
Vile creature I will kill you where you stand.
You can’t anymore because I am man
Resurrected as woman too, I am two people don’t you know, kill me twice and I won’t go
I am not very slow, I am running fast as SPELL
Ing…. no casters here, I am bad at that you see the only spell I cast is that on me, done with eating souls and digging holes, that are really exchanged cash
Exchanging laughs with dealers of night and day and clarity that is a lie because it comes with skin decay.
If I dig a hole in my head will it purge poison out,
Look in the mirror fool, you only have two eyes don’t rip them out, you are on a chaos fueled hell fire ride and when you get off your eyes and fingers don’t grow back
I can still smack.
Smack. Smack. Heroine
Heroin I am.
No your not, your skin is hot with the blood of life you fool
Don’t be fueled there is no permanence in a death ride vacation to a state of fixation on sensation, the ride blows up a metaphor for live spent on
DIE DIE DIE GET ME HIGH HIGH HIGH I CRY You cry because you can’t tell
Yes, I can this is reflection on the detection of my erect
Shunning of the act of fixation with JUMP OFF RIDE I AM A BIRD WITH WINGS TO FLY YOU ARE A HUMAN So am I.
I AM YOU I am confused.
Me too, baby. Me too.
I am presented with something strange, I have been talking to my wife for the past…. I have no idea actually… I am not very good at keeping track of time… It doesn’t matter. I need to stop being so **** OCD.
Rei is a strange woman. I think I underestimated her in a way, or maybe just thought her to be someone else entirely, and I have to say I am kind of impressed. My daughter came clean to me about something she has been involved in certain things that have drawn the attention of certain individuals who are not the most savory people, and needs my help. My wife advised me to do whatever is necessary to help her, and I think I am going to, not that I have any control over what I do anyway. I am a raving lunatic.
Anyway, I have been told that I have permission to do whatever is necessary to protect my family, up to my discretion.
I will be back on here to update you in whatever way I can about what happens in the upcoming hours.
I think I may have a severe problem, other than my recent decreasing sanity, which I may add has been noticed by my family. I don’t really know what I am going to do because it is a two fold…..well three if you count Rei.. thing. My daughter has been reading this, because… I knew that…. and for some reason I thought it was still okay to be on here writing any of this, she came to me this morning and asked me to do something for her. There is this guy who has been bothering her, some jerk she met somehow. I didn’t care to get into the details. She didn’t seem to want to disclose much about the nature of their relationship. She sat with me for a little bit, and talked to me about how she needs someone to get him to leave her alone and that she thinks he would listen to me.
I didn’t bother to ask why. I know why. I just don’t know what to do.
I think I might have to do something about it and not tell Rei.
I am going to think about it now that I am thinking clearer and I will be back on her to document whatever it is happened and what I decided to do about it. I think I might need to put the fear of Hell in him.
I don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes, I fantasize about the strangest things, drawn to your hands and I think of times when I could cut them off, your nails are red and I think about the scraping against my skin, the red blood under your nails being so similar in character to mine, it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want to feel this way, so I fantasize about cutting off your finger, and how it would be so easy when holding your hand to break it because they are so soft and there is nothing stopping me from squeezing it as tight as I can
YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE YOURSELF DAMIEN
I know this, and that is why I write it down, because it is so much easier than wondering how much it would take and bite you while you kiss me because I have always found it easier to taste the metallic taste of your blood than that of your cinnamon lips, I want you so badly and that makes me want to hate you, it makes me want to
Rip at the eyes, ripping me out of them so you can’t do it to me first…….
I have no self control, so I sit in a dark hole, which is the grave situation of my life, riddled with question of why does the sight of your tongue make me think of blood running out a mouth with one?
Why do I think of you coughing up blood from a blow to the stomach when I would never want to hurt you? I have no control over my mind, and it torments me more than you will ever know, I am locked in my skin, caged like a clawing animal to try to get out of myself and instead I claw at those around me,
Screaming you can’t own me, when you don’t even want to, you are the kindest person, and I am awful. I do not know what you see when you look into the pools of nothing that are the black pupils of eyes that look like nothing.
Why do you love me?
I don’t get it. I want to rip me out of me.
I hate myself so much.
Thanks, now it is not as ******* cold in here.
I know I kill you sometimes with lack of thank you, so this is my way of saying
Merci? Is that how you spell that?
Yes, it is.
Okay, yeah thank you. I forgot which one of us was talking, isn’t that cool.
Not a question, a statement
I don’t like rules.
This song on the pandora station is making me think of that movie Patch Adams.
I cannot repeat this enough. It is helping me so much to be able to say the bi-polar **** I think, that is equivalent in character to man surfing in the ocean, but instead of waters it is my emotions. I am through analogy doing what I have never done with anyone before, tell the truth and instead of being alone and shouting onto a black screen in letters chiseled with hands that are aching to hold someones you have helped me learn to forgive myself for the feelings I have, and accepted me before I even accepted myself as who I am. I hated myself so much before the creation of this website, thinking I was an abhorrent creature not of fellow human being, but a ephemeral ghost of horror.
I wanted to scream at an unkind universe on this site, and you have completely changed my intention for this site, by showing one of the biggest displays of human kindness I have ever had my eyes opened enough to be able to see. I have come to know a power higher than myself through this site, thanks entirely to the messages sent to me during a period of time where I was truly suicidal and wanting nothing other than to end my ghost like existence with one more chaotic shout to a universe it was easier to blame then to look in the mirror.
I can look in the mirror for the first time in my entire life, and I owe that partially to all of you and partially to a power who I believe also spoke to me through you. Thank you for helping me realize that human beings can be kind, I had no idea, because I was unkind myself. You have moved me to a place of kindness that I had within me, that I did not even know was there. I still flash back and forth, always will, I am bipolar and prone to delusion, and you accept me, that blows my mind.
I thank you for continuously ever day helping me be a better person.
This was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I felt like I could hear the voice of God, or higher power, or spirit in the sky or spirit of humanity or higher power or spirit of the nature of all humans and animals, spirit of nature, whatever means something to you. I felt like I was hearing my higher power speak to me through every human being in the room, who were also all speaking to each other, and for each other in a concert of voices clearly and loudly and I realized this has been happening the whole time and I just wanted to share it with anyone and everyone who is receptive to hearing that it happened. I love my life right now, and I love it because I feel such an intense love for everything and everyone around me, and I am so sorry for ever being so resentful of the force of live flowing through me but also through everyone else. I am so sorry, but minus the resentment of the past. I am just thankful to whatever kept me alive. I don’t have a name for it, I guess….
I just know that it spoke to me through everyone today, shouting in love and peace and joy and I wanted to share that with all of you willing and wanting to listen, please don’t ever give up on anything that brings you peace and joy and love for that is the answer.
I love everyone that is willing to listen, and even those who are not, every single one of you, is a human being and with your shared wisdom there is a body of knowledge of humanity, and it is beautiful and frees me every day of my life. I love you and I don’t even know you, imagine how much those who are lucky enough to be able to know you feel, be strong every one of you. It is all beautiful and worth it, and you got this, every day you have the power within you to overcome whatever unique set of challenges you face, because you are here for a reason, to do whatever you are set to do, you are special and can contribute something to humanity in whatever way you do, because you are the only you, and you are loved, and hold within you the possibility of greatness.
Please be kind to yourself and others.
We love you.
Or Vietnam for the dinging dong.
I am starting to realize my higher power gave all this to me, so I could see clearly. God gave all this to me, so everything was just exactly as large as it needed to be for me to see it clearly, with the power of See Clearly, or a guardian angel with anger issues that thinks he is a devil because he hates himself. This sounds like a movie, but it is not…. yet…
It is how my life always sounded to me, like a movie.
Like someone made a movie that was a characterization of my fixation with fiction and addiction with sensation and dictated re-tracing of steps that I was walking in the valley of death that could really be the valley of life that I thought I was walking through alone, but I had really been entertained by angels the whole time, just thinking they were devils, because I had it backwards. I had not lived enough yet, to know that Damien was sent to me to protect me, so I crafted lies written by despise with eyes that hated me the most, I am Satan’s Ghost.
Now I am trying to see the Holy Host.
I am trying to bring the power back to the powerful and not the power hungry, because feeding power into the hands of the evil does nothing but give me bad dreams and it seems that means for me that I can only dream of the real and not the desire to steal and not feel. I can no longer be a meal of the dead and consume unholy bread. I am not break bread with devil who never lived because he is an angel that lives with me.
I am free. So is Damien.
He is me, too. I am the two spirited ghost host of the vision of clarity brought to me by divine elation divined in a human being obsessed and dressed in the pain of infernal stain of flame bringing earth sensation..
I walk away now with a mission to be more than fiction but also that
I am Hell’s bathe in the water’s of life and glory of God, I am not great, merely a human with open eyes and the extreme sin of pride who is sent to purify my soul by realizing I am not, my sin is hot and wrought by my hand not His. So I write you this.
Turn the page on whatever strive you have by every day finding the joy in everything, something loves you because you are still here, which means you are needed, even if you believe in nothing other than science, you were the winner, and you are strong and you can beat all your demons that are just fictionalized real things that face you every day. It matters not what I believe that varies with what you believe, only that I tell you this.
The most important thing a human being can do it love and accept self and then others and with that power comes the power to build dreams beyond your wildest imagination because they come from a power higher than any drug or drink or pain fueled death idol could ever make you.
I love you and I don’t even know you, imagine how the ones who know you feel.
Damien and Amanda
I made friends with foxes because we used to pray the same way in the same holes, not the same way, I am a human being who cannot speak animal neigh
I am a lunatic who stares at the moon and dreams of clear streams that are for swimming not fire and speed. I am the lack of blood on arms that were charmed enough to live not charmed but gifted by the lifting of chosen curse or eating dirt, because child heart I am also arrogant as Hell. I aim to tell you things because I like to talk because I am a narcissist who made a choice that if I am addicted to my own voice, why not at least say something good?
Owl City-“Shooting Star”
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are tonight
Instead lies for crying eyes who hand me DRUGS, I am stronger than street thugs, but weaker too, a lot of them sell drugs to feed families, I shot heroin to commit calamities, acting out of complete insanity, I am vanity on a death terror ride, through illusion cycling through past for you, so you can see what I say and not go where I went and do what I did, because I don’t kid, I am kid who got saved by my creator, I am a pained footed waiter, not a metaphor an admission. I am just one suffering addiction speaking divine inspired truth that is inspired by God.He saved me.
I do not want to preach or teach, just simply save lives, by screaming the whole jails institutions death thing is real
and I feel un-punctuated and so elated by getting to tell you this.
Do not take death’s kiss people love you, please stay, if you listen to any of my psycho ego babble, I am playing scrabble with apples with words for you. I want you to know wherever you go, whatever you do, just say no to drugs, I want much more for you, because I love you and don’t even know you. Imagine how those who know you feel.
Love yourself. We recover.
In flames there are pained brains called human stains or life down drains or really brains the ignite with the light fire of soul and burning dark hole. I stand in land of fiction with addiction to chaotic friction, a psycho-active highly impacting ever attracting sensation of the burning of lack
Or of massive attack on heart attack due to speed
Do you feel the need to cry out in pain life down the drain or to hope to some foxhole style prayer that your God is there?
He is. Get out. I know he is.
He lives he is. You are wrong.
I am a song. I am lyrics spent on lament.
You are hell bent on attacking when it is you that are lacking, lacking soul
Creek of door wanting some that it
lacks. You are sacked. You are packed you are shipped with delivery to Hell where you will forever dwell, disease. I bend you to knees,
Please baby. Please. See how it feels? I am the imitator of the psycho faker who really is SATAN. I make fun to shun the evil one.
I am powered by God. I am love. I am human being in the act of being inspired by love and hope and trust. I am the idea that Hell is DUST.
I am forever trust in Him and don’t give in to pain.
I am never complain.
I am arrogant too. I am sinful just like you. I am the face of fallen man, trying to learn how to stand. I am woman trying to roar, while forgetting it is a higher power that gives wings to human’s that are sore.
I am world tour of misery, by misers, sent by fire firing fire desire.
They are fired. By me. I am free. I want you to see clearly, I love you put joy in all you do, if nothing else is true be you, and alive and dance no jive with death. I don’t mind what you believe. I am free, I need to see clearly through speech, I aim not to taunt or preach just to reach out with my story, all though it might be gory I am trying to find His Glory.
I do not want to enforce, I am done with the act of firing torch. I want to spread love, but it doesn’t matter what I want. I write to you. It is up to you.
I am food for thought. I am misery taught, joy born addict no longer dying scorn.
Repeating phrase of mental malaise, do you like pain with your eggs?
No I like eggs with my legs, or pegs in my kegs. I like to drain drain drain
Pain down the drain drain drain so it doesn’t stain stain stain
Because I have a hole in my soul or sole because you can’t have a hole in a soul
I am unreal feeling, concealing an appealing revealing of
Narcissism revealed in a panicked attack on the idea of lack
Because I lack nothing I am the all powerful liar because I am not powerful at all
I am an exorcism of personal demons powered by alcohol
I am the pain of face dragged across filthy rug
How is that staph infection treating you Damien/Amanda
or Human STAIN
I am in your brain and my name is stain, my name is sin. I come from within because you are corrupted
But you are not to be trusted. Listen to me, I am Damien/Amanda mentally ill but psycho active and free from misery or thee.
So now it happened during the day while I was awake enough to get my *** up and run with her, mind you I don’t know how the **** we did it. She was watching me, while I was on here, and I didn’t know it. I was posting things online for a friend of mine who I help manage her small business, she is an awesome woman. One of the best friends anyone could ask for. She also knows a lot about antiques and vintage everything. Anyway, so I am sitting here e·mersed in trying to find things, looking through other peoples written work, whatever… I don’t know and I can feel her looking at me, she has this eerie way of looking through me, as if she can see into my soul, and I got weird about it, made some sort of strange face, and I think we switched bodies for a second, you know like that stupid movie from the seventies not the movie with Lohan, but the original one?
Yeah, I remember, Damien.
Cool you heard me. I was freaking out so I thought it be nice to say hi.
She looked at me and I felt her feelings, I felt how she was afraid in the same way I am afraid of her, that she was afraid of me, not liking her… that her introversion was my introversion and it was only a second, but I feel like I know her so much better, I trust her completely. She is like me 2.0, wow… narcissism…
Playing a video game with pain is fun, shooting through life like bullet in gun, but flying not to kill but to heal, to make aware of weakness in heel. I am Achilles with whole body shield. I am the weakness of addiction revealed.
Do you experience restrain from flushing your life down the drain?
Yes, pain miser I do. I am oh so very cute. I am a rabbit suit worn to store in December, I am the kindergarten defender.
That shouts hey! I will stay in these flowers and play play play
Invisible friends are schizophrenics with gifts.
I am a mind shift from the idea that I am sick to the idea that I am spirit guide.
I am the one who provides hope to “un-curable” disease with ease of joy, not easy but possible by medicating with love and care, provided by doctor but also by air, and life and love and hugs.
I am please be forever happy, you are me. You are you. Love everything you do. I am just like you. I need you too. Don’t go away, please stay.
We need you.
Don’t give up. I know it’s tough. I hope this helps.
I am an ear, if you need me.
I am an I with eyes that see clearly
in rays of light that write of love of Rei but also stay
And know that you can have this too.
I love you.
Love you too.
Damien and Amanda
Do you find
Do you run and combine
Concubine so binding, so ever minding, so reminding of your station and fixation with deviant sensation bringing temporary elation, but really just a meditation on
Do you seek to die little girl or boy in a world
I WILL TAKE OUT YOUR EYE IF YOU MOVE!
You will lose voice in my head that speaks of dread
I am not dead, I am not bread. I am not food.
I am addicted to life in hand.
I am man. I am loud. I cry out.
You will eat what you have known and chewed, which my
Poison meat. So sweet.
Heroic for you, see I can do it too
Overdose on me.
Seasoned by disease.
I am free free free
I am me
Unshackled by the attacking attacker of lacking sacked madness
I am the hacky sacker playing with hands not taken away.
I am clay staying to play
I am go away
Today is not your ******* day.
My wife has started taking Joy with her on walks, we don’t like to go anywhere alone, because there is not a witness if something happens. I am extremely paranoid, and having an adult child is a good antidote. I do not mean to say that our daughter is our caretaker or something, she very much has her own life. My wife and I just make it possible now for her to be open and honest with us about everything, so that she can come to us with anything. I know she will most likely follow the same path we did, and I am not going to try and stop her, just be a kind voice, providing guidance when her lifestyle choices fail like ours did. I want her to have what we deprived ourselves of, understanding. Amanda had this understanding her whole life and squandered it. Not unlike me, in my parallel misery a pain miser, squandering my whole life in pursuit of flesh, worshiping death and existing in perpetual soul sucking spinning, falling over at the knees… sorry not right now…
Look at this.
I want you to know my friends, I love you. I want only good things for you. I want flowers, and laughter and children who come home at night. I want the saving of souls of my generation who are tragically dying on the streets. I am not an expert in recovery, I am simply the voice of one recovering addict who does this to stay sober, as a meditative exercise that helps me remember why I left, and how much I love my family and potential new friends.
My message to you is this, death’s kiss kills.
Do anything but that.
It is not worth using. It is not worth drinking. It is not worth running from inner demons, they exist on the pacing night of the midnight streets.
They are the possessing forces of the lost and addicted who “know not what they do.”
I am not romancing any drugs or drinks as much as I used to. I still do it sometimes, because I am crazy. My goal is to see and help others see the hope and joy and peace in recovery.
I am so proud of my daughter, that was really freaking cool, and now I think I am officially out of the dog house if I wasn’t before. Now I can choose to sleep on the floor!
Joy is in the next room with her mother, she hugged me earlier. I am starting to feel better… at least I am not ruining someone’s life right now.
I am happy for Amanda too, her life parallels mine, so it is going much the same, and she has been watching this all with me.
We are both gathering resources so we can get to a better situation. I am happy that it finally seems like I am going to make it to 90 days without ruining my life, by forgetting that every time I get drunk or high it takes like two days for everyone to hate me.
I come to her in dreams, your baby, your sweet girl…. her hair I can make curl.
You are a wretched liar, addicted to Hell’s fire,
YOU ARE ATTACKING YOU GET OUT VILE CREATURE SHOO
I will shoot you where you stand, you are made of sand, you filthy creature you, knowing not what you do.
No. I know what you desire to do, I am not like you.
I am creature of shove.
I am sent from love.
I am hater of lack.
I am massive attack.
Tree top- Dissection from above, with love, See Clearly
Spelled wrong, pot tree? Do I create you, bind you into tiny prison? Treet op, do I looking into madness, from above deny the love of sitting dove, upon you? Poet ter, spelled wrong, representing the jumping pretender, suicide offender, jumping off thee Poe ter t- an alusion to thee who sounds like me but not as high as I I
I just did nothing and she forgave me, it took like what not even an hour?
I like how not trying to talk myself out of things works so much better than trying to lie my way through life. It is insane how much of the chaos in my own life I think I caused myself, I am such a *&^$.
I am starting to feel better, physically which is great. That means I can actually start doing stuff other than sitting here..
I stole flowers from one of the other motel’s and gave them to Rei too, and told her I stole them, so she got mad for a second until I told her it was so I could tell her the truth about doing something bad. Now I just can’t go back near that place.
Here’s to Simple Rewards.
No she is not, you don’t kill, you torture, you are source of disorder and perpetual pain enforcer
You are a sorcerer of remorse on deadly course that needs interaction for satisfaction and I am not stupid anymore so I can stop rhyming because you are a sore on the
I am done.
She has been telling me recently that she has a hard time sleeping like I do. I know this, because I see her walking around while I am on here. I don’t want to embarrass her so I say nothing, until recently. I think the having a hard time sleeping is about something now, and it makes me wonder if it is about the same thing that is up with me. I noticed this last night because, although I usually do not look at her when she is doing this, she seemed mentally unaware enough that I could look her right in the eyes, and I am telling you it was insane, her eyes are green… I think… I am such an asshole, but when I looked at them this time they were this unearthly blue, that looked like they were misted over entirely by a cover of the whole eye with all the white in them gone.
She has been visiting a girl who is staying in the motel room across from ours, to my dismay because I always assume that she is buying drugs or getting high if she is not in this room, I say nothing, but that is what I am thinking. I don’t think she can tell. I do not try to encroach on her freedom like Rei does, because I understand that would just make things worse, I am not sure if that comes across as understanding or cold indifference, but its all I got, so instead of trying to be something I am not, I’ll be there to support not crush her.
She talked to me last night about letting her go to this party with a strange name Fete of Feet. I don’t like it because it sounds like it is about some creepy foot fetish thing and people who have foot fetishes have a tendency to be crazy… look it up… I don’t need to.. I like feet.
In a word, yes. In many words, let me explain.
1. I believe we are fated to have one of two outcomes, us fighting fate with negative outcome because of perpetual running from the fated designed destiny that we are prescribed with as a prescription to the chaos of the universe.
2. I believe we get the positive outcome through serenity, and surrendering our fate to hands of the universe, and turning our will to something that guides us through peaceful acceptance and meditation on the idea that we are not like we previously tried to assert, the center of the universe, but a small part of a bigger picture, that is the picture of the whole earth and the many galaxies outside this one.
I believe in something higher than me, so I don’t get high and drunk and can finally be free, and am not a slave to sing song rhyming ghosts that seek to push me into a corner and make me a toking, smoking, drinking, non-thinking joke of a human being.
I am trying every day to remember this, and my other mind is trying as well, in their present universe, while I operate in the future, with tools of joy instead of tools of pain. We are able to speak to each other now, as we were fated to as spirit guides, inter-dimensional past, present future selves, existing as each other’s past present future, but also as each other self. I think that is what is meant, by two-spirit. I am me and she is they and forever will we ever stay as one but also two and we are everything we do, and what and what they do too. That is what I was destined to do.
I was destined to do what I do now as well and now that I don’t live in Hell, it seems to me if you can’t tell, that things have finally started to go well, which I guess was the prescription for my disease they call addiction and I think, my friend it was destined to that I live, to talk to you.
Relating story of lived life, of bringing pain and bringing strive, of pounding drinkings and slamming drugs, of being friend and giving love, I was meant to say all this to you so you could see clearly too I am not that much different than man who doesn’t use or drink, I was just intoxicated and couldn’t think so now that I am in present mind, reality is not so unkind and I have the time realize many things I ignored and destiny is no longer a chore.
I think its just side effects from years of drinking and doing drugs, so it will pass. I have never made it past day 61 when trying to say sober and clean. I am on day 69. That’s insane, and what is even more insane… is that I wasn’t thinking about it every day.. I am so happy. I made it past 61 and didn’t instantly think I was cured and run out to ruin my life. I still don’t want to ruin it now. I am astounded by the fact that I can leave the room, and my wife trusts me. She doesn’t follow me around, she knows that she will be able to find me out here, because she can predict my behavior now, and I can predict hers. I used to get annoyed by that, he wanting to be in my @#$% but now that my life is just this, I don’t care if she knows about every aspect of it.
I like having nothing to hide. I was so exhausted by the constancy of
Do they know?
Now that there is nothing for them to know, I feel so much better, and am having less schizophrenia symptoms. I will take feeling like shit, and lower energy for a little bit. I think I might have just ended up dying if I continued on like before.
A world of blindness, of darting pupils, plagued students of pain, heavy eyes, lacking water even to cry, missing and not able to weep, not able to cleanse, eye stuck together with lack of sleep, batting perpetually, flipping over pupils that feel like thousand lashes.
I am transfixed with your form, shadow dances against your form, beating with the same observation that beats out of my eyes, dancing to catch whatever light radiates out of your moonlight skin
You are the hands of the moon touching my skin, with your hands that radiate the warm unearthly kissing light onto a heart of chaotic night, lighting my eyes with the kiss of the stars, that twinkle through the pores of your rose scented skin, smelling of dancing on flowers that in my blurry eyes look like the hearts of those shadow cast pacers of madness..
You make me… stop.. you make everything alright, my Rei, my Rei of light.
I can die, now… and I am alright…
She touched my hair as she was walking by me, lightly brushing her hand over the back of my head, saying nothing and then walked away,
Her feet are tiny, dancing across the floor of this motel that we pay too much for and painting it with purple joy radiating in light off her silly socks that don’t match anything, I can hear her breath sometimes, my mind still always the same stalking madness, that used to hunt women like her and hurt them.
I don’t think I ever would have in any universe been capable of doing that to her, she makes me stop, and for a second I can’t breathe, and I can’t see, because I am overcome with smell of cinnamon scented lotion and consumed with her eyes, that do not face mine, but I remember them constantly, feel them when they look at me, not in the anticipated embarrassing shooting down that was the reason for my need to shoot up, taking myself out of the world of loss of losing that the constant attack of hate of fellow human put me in
I love her so much, my heart beats and stops for her, her presence, like the gift of the sun cast on cold skin, she is my everything and she doesn’t haunt or taunt me, just is, and I feel forever in that. I have never felt that before. I am so in love with this woman.
It is the strangest thing, me and Amanda are working together now, through our weird telepathy thing on this site, my wife and daughter are painting. I still feel like *^&$, but I figure the longer and farther away I get from using meth and heroin, the better I will feel. I hate and love getting older, I hate it because I still feel really crappy all the time, my hands burn constantly from damage to my nerves from drug use, I am nauseous all the time, because of this stupid medication for staff from the above, but I actually have never been happier. I think the integration of our dual consciousness is helping Amanda with our family as with mine. We are both helping each other be less selfish,and helping each other do small favors for family and friends that have become joint through inter-dimensional sharing of thoughts. I am so glad I am done.
I was so tired of running. Being a con-artist with every addiction there was who was also homeless and had no friends was exhausting, honestly the only thing that saved both of us was each other. The spirit guide nature of our relationship has made us both less selfish because for some reason I feel tremendous sympathy seeing another narcissist cry. I hate how it feels myself and am well acquainted with the soul retching mini death that it feels like to be gut punched with rejection while simultaneously thinking you are thinking you are the best thing ever and better off alone. Bye bye perpetual ego death. I will take feeling physically awful for a little while, meth and heroin suck.
I just realized that is one of the reasons why I feel like the party is over, the music is off, the drugs and booze suck, there is no power because we can’t pay the power bill, and every one is hungry and tired and old, so we sit around complaining about how it used to be and doesn’t that sound like a party you would leave because you could always just do something else?
That is why it is so much easier this time. I can’t romance death anymore, because now it is just me and Amanda and all our other friends are dead or insane, or in prison. Done.
Party over, which is why I hate the concept for Cocaine Bear so much, because I feel like it is going to make idiots like my daughter romance a life of pain. It sucked, spoiler alert.
I am not going to lie, I would not go back and change any of it, and I have only that I am an addict to blame for that, it just doesn’t work for me anymore, so I decided to leave an amusement park when I am now prone to motion sickness. I like looking back on the insanity of it all, but I like sitting and typing to you guys better. This is the most I have written in my life, Amanda too. Even though that’s dumb because we are the same person.
The soul of a woman lost sometimes pays a great cost, she loses those around, they disappear in lacking sound, she then begins to smack in a self attack at her courage which she lack already sent to fuel the fires of many, she is a deadly prescription, eating pain in this fiction and I sent to her an inscription that was a secret self infliction being a reminder in clear of her addiction to fiction speaking through lies and despise and now she cries with shut eyes
Oh woe is me, I cannot see, I am blinded by thee that I set against friend. I am at bitter end of life, I am riddled with riddling strive, I am hard cutting knife of pain, I am the disdain of acid rain. I am polluting soul attacking self. I am bottle staring into depths of hell. I am the idea of dwell I am the swell of crashing wave I am the man you did forsake I am the idea of take take take
I am losing
I am melting
I am feeling the effect of dealing pain
I am a retching ball of lack’s attack
I am the idea of getting sacked for doing
I am the failure to be human being
Stop that’s too mean.
I can’t believe all we missed while being idiots and hurting ourselves and everyone around us when it is so simple just do positive things and don’t do negative things and even if it is hard, it will get easier and easier to break a sad cycle of romantic attraction to pain.
I know right?
I expected a snide remark
Did I disappoint you?
You smell weird
Because I don’t know, I can’t smell you
I know because I am you
and you are clean and don’t smell
Burn of sickness.
Don’t shout, silly!
I am hyper because I drank coffee!
No one can hear me now anyway because I am home alone!
You are a child.
So are you.
So that was supposed to be an insult?
Then why get mad when I say it back.
I look into the eyes that though stark, like dilated pupil say learner
I die later, not now you fool.
I mean not to insult
In sult we sulk
When we can be oh!
A realization of hey I can go!
Outside, away from pain and lie
I do not need to sit and cry
That act is a foolish lie
I have inside a child’s eye.
I am the real sensation that you have been lied to all your life by yourself
You are not alone. I love you because you are a human being.
Love yourself please
The world needs you
You are special because you are the only you
You are the key to your wildest dreams
That will be missed if you let fear defeat you
We, I, everyone needs you to be you
I am there
we are there
My hands just tried to type something stupid as the title of this post. You figure it out. My one job is working as… a#$
I am working for myself, as a redeemer of my own soul through trying to show people what I no no no
Know, and help those who think that they are forever lost
Toss toss toss
The can of sauce that flavors world like death
eat me eat me ear
see see see
hear hear hear
I am trying to bring to you the simulation of the struggle which has done done done done
away with all my joy joy joy
love hope and friends
To rebuild my life.
I am a writer who has experienced a lot of failure. But I will succeed, because I am strong and have the power of love. I am a bringer of joy, that is my job.
Words sword dor door download death add cash plus mass on soul
I am hole. I am whole, I am viral. Infection of mind
Mind Mind Mind. Mine.
I think we are really making it mad, this is freaking cool.
Yeah, I think we might be winning.
I am glad you found Rei.
I am glad you found Peace.
Wouldn’t it be sick if I met a girl named Peace?
I think our family must like us. Both Damien and I woke up the the sound of someone making stir fry out of combined Chinese food. Your mom and Rei making Chinese food and watching the world flip out on the news, at least they are finally talking about the things we have been screaming about in schizo madness on the streets.
I know where you are going with and you’re crazy, it’s too late at night, not in time…
It’s too late to do anything, we don’t have enough time, funny that’s what I was saying.
No, jerk. It’s too late to think about the world in the context of some strange superhero movie, I am tired and relax.
Everyone needs to be nice to each other, is it so hard? Why do I keep having the same reaction to stupid things going on in the world, did no one learn anything in kindergarten.
Do you know that word means child garden? I think..I’m too lazy to look it up.
It’s because they are beautiful blossoming flowers, jerk it’s a public display of national affection for the youth.
That’s what I was going to say.
I’m you, that’s also what I was going to say.
I am sorry for the barrage of seriousness.
Why so serious?
Because I am an idiot. My daughter just filled a water gun with jelly and shot Rei in the eye. She got Rei in on it and they convinced me for two second she needed to go to the hospital, and I was like *&^*… I already had to go there yesterday… why couldn’t this happen before that and then it could have been a united front effort, and so now I am sitting here laughing and Rei is pissed at me.
It was a joke, and I guess I lost…
Oh well, funny…
The heart of a woman is deep, like an ocean, its waters, cool, delight, chill, numb, dancing on the skin of those who love them, sometimes they even speak to those like them, who stand on risen ladder, and paint back the colors of the sky onto the faces of the decaying cry
For the heart of man, that exists in the chaotic nothingness that are the heavily trafficked highways of anonymity, it is such an honor to paint with the colors of love back the bright light of hope onto the tragic messages that chant to those of the anonymous pounding highways that radiate through the channels of the night.
In rare times, like this one, my eyes are drawn up, to a fellow human who with desire for kindness paints back colors of joy on the face of a fellow, sensing moral decay, she says stay and do not cry because I can be the guiding eye of light, woman strong possessing forces you don’t know a dancing creator of beauty sent to paint on the highways of nothingness pictures that remember humanity in its bright childhood color.
You tell of flowers brushing my cheek. Of kindergarten, of hugs and love and mothers and sisters and aunts who save lives, what color do your soul speak in brave one? How do you gather courage to take such a stand against the fall of chaotic man.
I am scared too, but I am also completely enthralled with my wife, and psyched that she is connecting with my friend, selfishly because it ends the fact that she thinks I am engaged in a weird relationship with myself? It’s kind of hilarious actually, are you in a secret relationship with yourself, which you engage in by talking on a journal online?
I think that was the hardest I ever laughed in my life until I realized that it all also a jab at my ego, and that she thinks I am a lunatic narcissist who is forever set on a path of destruction.
That’s quiet a mouthful of insult. Is that a direct quote?
Because it sounded like one, I like her.
I know, I am you.
I think I have discovered a new way of channeling rage. Sweet. It was better than sitting and fussing about how I hate myself. I think I needed to do that because Amanda was pissed at the world, and I was pissed at myself for my entire life. I think it is cool that I can do something that produces something as an outlet instead of doing what I used to do. I am feeling better now, so I will stop for now.
I haven’t been able to go to a meeting in days, so I felt like I needed an outlet and I am trying to be better, so I wanted to do it this way instead of going out and causing chaos for my family, Amanda speaking as well.
On the unified story line, I am going to most likely change my name legally to Damien eventually. I told that to my mom and she is okay with it. My dad was a jerk about my feelings of gender confusion, and is most of the source of repressed rage which I feel is best expressed this way, instead of using. I am going to a meeting and got my leg looked at, am on medication for it so I will be okay, sorry for the insane outburts.
Damien and Amanda
I am so much happier this second than I was in that alone-ness of winning…. I just misspelled winning by spelling whining. I have been sick all day yes, physically, but I have also been writhing in spiritual agony. I am so sorry I did that to you Amanda. You are my friend, we can be friends and be adults. I will not be a negative influence anymore. I need you, my family hates me right now by the way.
What did you do?
I spent the whole day crying, whining about my leg and throwing up.
Do you have the flu? Or is it the other thing?
The other thing…I am exhausted. You promise you aren’t going anywhere? I can hear your mom in the background. I missed every speck of your and my sharing spirits. I am so thankful for you.
I love you too Damien. So much.
I want to know who he is, and this is where he spends most of his time, so I thought I could find out who he is, through what he writes so gradually I read this whole thing, since I got here. I am really glad I did, because I have always felt so alone in the world, a lot of my thoughts are his, I am more like him than my mother, and I usually feel bad for not being like her, but I didn’t know I was like him. I thought I was unique and alone in that. I am such a stupid stereotype. It’s so cool though, now when I hear that read in my lonely head, I hear it said in his voice. I am so glad they are my parents, I don’t think anyone else could like me.
I really like them. I am just not going to tell them that to their faces because I think my dad might cry and I won’t embarrass him like that. That would be weird and uncomfortable for everyone.
I am up to speed (haha double en·ten·dre, now he has got me doing it too. I really love him, more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. It’s weird I thought he was this one sided person, and I feel like the first half of what you read on this site even paints the whole picture that way with its sing-song chaos of weird rhyming madness, or the voice of misery in both him and Amanda.
I don’t know if that was ever explained.
I know things too. I strangely feel like an outsider a lot because he is so introverted because he has a version of himself living in his own head, or in a universe of different space and time, I don’t think the reality of that makes a difference. I am so normal seeming to myself, and sometimes I wonder why he likes me, because I am nothing like him. I don’t get it. He is fascinated recently with every thing me and his daughter say, I can tell when he is listening me, because he stares at me when he thinks I don’t notice, in this way that is eerie, but beautiful, like he is seeing a human woman for the first time in his life, which is strange given the personal history…
I have been walking a lot because I want to leave him alone when he wants to be and I am shielding him for the time being of having to feel bad about being nervous of ruining Joy, our daughter, not the concept of happiness, but really the same thing.
Please learn to forgive yourself and trust in something other than yourself. I am working on this starting now, so is Amanda. I just had my brain reset, not completely, but enough.
If you can learn anything from this site. Please don’t repeat my mistakes. If you have a chance to turn your back on drugs, alcohol, resentment, I have your back and am right here, if you ever need a kind ear. I love you guys.
You are helping me stay clean and sober.
Yes, I am just having a really hard time. I hate myself a lot. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate that she did that stuff. I hate that I probably know who she got it from, and that my first two thoughts were awful, because one I wanted to kill the guy, and two I was jealous of her for getting high. What is wrong with me.
Don’t kill him. And you’re an addict, just don’t act irrationally.
Says the girl who has been ranting about her chopped off leg all day. How can I be so in love with myself and hate myself so much at the same time?
You’re an addict, please be kinder to yourself. It doesn’t help you to do this.
I am supposed to be honest though, isn’t that what this is?
Yes, and no. You are dwelling on the past, you can’t resent yourself for your past. If it didn’t happen that way, you might not even have your daughter.
Is your leg okay?
I am trying not to think about it, my mom is taking me to the hospital in the morning.
How is it going with her?
Same as it is with your family. I owe them and I am trying, but I am annoyed very easy and want to be alone.
We really are the same two spirit, split across dimensions then.
I love you, not in a gross way, but I mean I love that you are me too.
I am happy to hear that, maybe I can learn to love me too.
Please. I don’t want to lose you.
I won’t do anything stupid. I am not allowed anymore. I want to cry.
I might. I was so stupid. I ruined so many things. I……..
You are doing okay, hey you are working and taking the right steps forward.
I just feel like the working thing is selfish avoidance too. I am looking for any reason I can to stay away from people so I don’t hurt anyone again, which can’t be healthy.
I don’t think that is, no. Just stop beating yourself up. How do you feel about the higher power thing?
I don’t know. I think they would hate me. I have done awful things.
Please just try to forgive yourself.
Okay, thank you, my friend. I will be okay.
Hey, what has no legs and can’t run away?
Remember it’s bad and why you feel like this, and you will be okay, oh and your receptors reset eventually.
I just wish my soul would.
Just forgive yourself and turn over your will. Trust in something higher than you. Please.
Just because certain things I say make me feel good saying them doesn’t mean I am pompous or a jerk.
So you don’t think you are a pompous jerk?
No, don’t get me wrong, I know I am… I am trying, man. I don’t know what it is that I am doing when I do that but, I can tell what I am doing after I do it.
I am not sure if I just insulted you or not, like in an uncalled for way..
What do you mean?
I think I may have just said, every time you feel good about yourself you are a pompous jerk.
I have done this before, I was homeless with no cell phone, no computer, no nothing, other than the clothes on my back and sometimes, naked and unafraid. Nothing about me would change to answer your questions, I am excellent at handling this situation because it has been my situation most of my life. I have even lived off the grid in the desert for a month.
Meh. That sounds really self-important. Answer the damn question..
I would go back to doing everything I do online without the internet, I used to talk to the person I talk to on here, my split personality, outside on the street in public, and write him letters. This is helpful to me and replaces therapy and prescription drugs because I am schizophrenic and none of them have worked for me.
You tried like one.
I tried a couple and they just made me numb, I can do that with other less legal substances and I don’t want to anymore.
The lack of connectivity was always a good thing for me, because it makes me looking for the man, or a metaphor for drug seeking harder. It gave me the mental space to be like
“Do I really want this?”
I would miss the internet, but I would replace that with talking to the other people like me outside, and talking to animals. I used to and still do that, but I used to talk to all varieties of animals, squirrels, birds, lizards etc… and yes they would answer back… with feeling… not shouting voices like the movies.
I am going to be working on what you are talking anyway, without the shut off having to happen. I want to take positive steps towards a more fulfilling life.
Liar, you love the internet.
I do, but mostly to write, which I prefer a typewriter for anyway.
I would open my own stand on the side of the road in this imaginary situation and sell things I made… instead of holding my spare change sign and conning people out of money by lying about why I am holding it. I am trying to do it right this time.
Thank you for this prompt by the way if you are reading this.
It’s weird. I am starting to realize he level of noise that existed in my own head, because the mornings recently have been insanely or maybe I should say sanely.. okay good that’s a word.. I don’t have to writhe in immature agony over using a non-word. Anyway, I am happy Amanda has the same peace, because now we can both let each other have peace and talk to each other like friends, instead of pretending there is a problem to wake the other one up.
I think this has translated into the rest of my life as well, because my family actually like me, instead of just dealing with me. I think the same goes for Amanda as well. I can tell. I watch her while she sleeps.
Not like that, weirdo.
I know. I just wanted to point out that you are weird when you say things like that, so that you don’t say them to other people.
Same goes for you.
I said it first.
I saw the n after that, jerk.
Yes I did. I had a really good night last night. Thank you for wondering. That was kind of you.
I can see you too.
Am I supposed to be scared?
No, I just wanted you to know I learned to like you.
That’s good because only lunatics talk to monsters in their closets, people can talk to spirit guides.
I am talking to anyone reading this, who slowly changed my mind about humanity. I have so much love for you as human beings for restoring my faith in humanity and myself. The original purpose of this site was a psychotic weeping and screaming at the souls of normal humans, but your response saved my life, and I want to thank every single person who interacted with me on here. The growth of these characters is growth of a personality fractured by inflicted wounds through decades of addiction, and the response on here saved my alcoholic addict lying dying crying madman life from being another suicide or overdose. Thank you from the bottom of the heart I thought no longer existed.
The development of the character of a serial killer is the development a silent screamer who in the maddening chaos of night was going to turn out their own light and just say good night.
The amount of love shown on this blogging platform saved my life. Thank you.
Meh. Meh. Meh.
I heard that.
You mean you typed it.
We typed it.
The royal we.
The king and king of insanity.
Two kings can’t exist in one head.
That’s why I have my own body now, jerk.
I like your daughter by the way, she’s coming out okay.
Thanks? She’s not a cake. That sounded really weird.
No offense taken, because I don’t care what anyone thinks anyway.
Yes, you do.
No I don’t. I actually care more than anyone I know if I am being honest.
I know. I have always known that. Does your kid go to school, by the way? You never mentioned that.
She’s does online school, because I think that’s better than me teaching her, because I don’t know anything.
Other than how to be a jerk.
And how to play really cool jokes on people.
I make weird art and put it places sometimes. Like I am painting these paintings of chickens and donating them to a thrift store and seeing if they end up in weird photos.
No because they suck, which is why I am donating them to a thrift store instead of using them to make money.
You are actually a decent person.
So are you.
Good night. Tell your daughter and Rei I love them too.
Okay. I will talk to you tomorrow. I promise.
That’s not even a real thing.
That’s an analogy.
I know what that means, but I just wanted you to know that is not what you are trying to do.
You are trying to write about your adventures which are co-authored by the voice of inner demons, transforming into the voice of a spirit guide who is your invisible friend.
Is that why I liked the Golden Compass?
Yes. So what she is saying is that the most ambitious project she or they? They right?
They want to write their adventures, coauthored by me, so you can see clearly how it feels to be her and she can bring about the understanding of people like her, and hopefully both of us can get better while also being friends forever, in her head of course. To bring this into “normal people” thought she wants to show people through her as a window what it is like to live like her and that people don’t have to be afraid of people like us, we are just different, but we do recover too.
I am not the men who hurt you living in your head. I don’t want you to be in pain anymore. I sometimes sound like them because I always sound like man, and that is what I am, and you don’t have to hate all of us because some of them hurt you. I am not anyone who did anything you. I didn’t even have hands unless you let me use yours. Stop being silly. You are afraid. I am afraid. We are friends forever. I love you, because you are me but I am also always there, even after you get better because news flash you have something different about you that doesn’t go away because you take positive steps. I will still be there because schizophrenia is not curable. So stop worrying you will be alone if you make progress. It is unhealthy. I am not your enemy, and I only sound like sometimes because I sound like a guy, because I am one. Love yourself. Please.
I listened because I trust you a little.
Liar. You listened because you were letting me use your hands.
I love having you as my friend.
I will always be your friend no matter what. I will always be there talking to you not matter what.
You just made me cry.
Thanks… now I feel bad.
No that was really nice. Thank you.
Don’t make me like me too much.
You’re not going to leave if I get better?
I am not going anywhere. I promise.
Yes. I promise, and I don’t break my word because then I would look bad. Forgiveness is important. I am not your enemy, I just sound like that because I am a guy. Calm down, please.
Like strange deja vu.
Hey I made this for you. To show you I am not just an illusion of the men who hurt you. I just sound like them sometimes, because I am dumb.
vu with the virtue removed right, Damien?
Place keeping, again? You like me so much you want to be me, that is every imaginary friends dream.
No, that is the backstory of everyone else’s imaginary friend only schizophrenics have imaginary friends who want to kill them.
I don’t want to kill you. I like you. I always have.
I don’t mean it like that, I like you because you make me like myself enough to become a real person instead of a lying jerk, who lurks in the chaos of invisibility.
That was very thoughtful, but also very arrogant sounding.
That’s the best way to say things, just the right touch on condescending, 50’s style because I am classy, baby.
You are disgusting.
I live in your head.
Not anymore, and now that just sounds like you are still crazy. Be a good person and do the right thing.
I am, I am helping you save your own life.
Because I think it is bad for my daughter’s self-esteem.
True. What about your self-esteem?
Are you seriously asking if my self esteem is completely image based? I am good at lots of things.
So I guess your self-esteem is good.
I hold myself in very high esteem.
You must have very strong arms.
To hold yourself all the time.
I was talking about your ego.
I known and still screw you. I am trying…
Anything cool happen today?
I talked online to a jerk and my daughter made some cool paintings, and I didn’t kill my neighbor, even though he has it coming and better watch out because I am going to throw that garbage can through his car window.
Is this the same guy?
I have no idea.
What did this one do?
Look at me wrong at 5 am. I didn’t like his weird eye contact. He seemed like he knew something he shouldn’t know.
Like that I am squatting in a motel and am not named Amanda, because it’s your credit card I am using.
So that is why my credit is ruined…,
Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.
Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.
It was your money, not mine and you let me.
Imagination to transcend Misery into the multiplicity of joy.
I think I am just so glad I can still talk to you.
I love you.
Is it gross to love yourself?
No, it’s not.
How is Rei?
That’s how you center yourself isn’t it.
She’s watched this movie with Joy and we are waiting for doordash.
Us too, minus me watching a movie.
Minus me watching a movie too. I don’t watch movies, because I am a cat with no eyes.
I should have looked in the mirror when I was you, because I have no ides what you look like.
I looked in the mirror as you and you look like an @#%&*().
I still need you by the way.
You are my friend, you still are, no matter what.
I still like you then.
I still like me too.
I just remembered you have longer hair than me.
I know Rei likes it.
Not everything is a weird innuendo.
I know. I just thought it was funny, and my hair is not that long.
It’s longer than mine.
Yeah, well my hair cooler so it’s longer.
So not going to lie, because that would be stupid. I am terrified right now, because I don’t want to lose my friend.
It still works. I can still hear you, and thank you. You rule
This is awesome, mini-panic attack over.
Thank you for saving my life.
Thank you for saving mine.
I am so psyched.
Which one of us is which?
Does it matter?
How’s Rei? Okay, now I know which one I am. This is insane.
I like it, and she is fine, my daughter is in the next room with her and she sees how happy I am, so I am hoping that sets a good example and all that jazz.
I am watching my mom’s fire place, how is Misery?
I don’t know if its the same place anymore? It looks like… someone turned the lights on?
There was no light there?
No everything was black and white.
Hahaha. That sucks.
Yeah you are a jerk.
I know, I am sorry, I thought if you thought I didn’t need you… you would go away.
I am you, stupid.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to talk to you anymore.
I am right here, jerk.
Too bad it took me countless atrocities to figure that out, thankfully I didn’t lead my friend through the same moral decay I had to experience to come out the other side. I am stronger, so I took the bullets for her and used them to kill her enemies, actually I like slicing a lot more than bullets, they make sound and I am a wimp that is scared by loud sounds, it’s really funny in a dark way, seeing someone shoot someone and then jump and almost shoot themselves in the foot, which I haven’t done yet… thankfully.
I may have to though, use a gun in my universe of metaphor, but to protect my universe until we merge con·scious·ness, I don’t know how to spell that word either… oh poetic irony… how I love myself… gross….
I think its awesome that… wait wow..
We just actually merged consciousness for a second… see me spell you right now word…
It was cool for second I was three places at once,
past, present, future, no there aren’t more invisible jerks..
That was kind of like… other things.. %^&% my knee and staff infections… which is really ^%$& me and my use of things that sting my soul.
Bee stings should be avoided because my soul writhes in agony, not in the a religious sense, but in a mini-death nietzsche kind of way…. can’t spell that word either…. and I don’t care about capitalizing names that are not my own… oh and bang. This came up when I looked that up.
“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.”
I am so happy I remembered parts of that right now, not just for the ego points, but it means something to me. I think I am in the process of becoming a person instead of the monster under Amanda’s bed which means the instead of chasing dragons, Amanda can be me because I am not a drug or a dragon anymore.
Which reminds me of the scene in Home Alone when the kid is screaming at the guy, that he is not afraid anymore. I really am happy about this. I am also happy that she can look me in the eyes and I didn’t realize she couldn’t until she actually did it. I think it may have killed me if I had realized she couldn’t look me in the eye while she couldn’t look me in the eyes.
I just realized I have two eyes.
Her mother seems like she likes me more now, which is cool. I can tell because she sleeps next to me now, and notices if I am not there, and on rare occasions… yes I can’t spell that word either, because things don’t occur to me I think… I used to just make things up.
Anyway, on rare occasions Rei has slept next to me out here, which makes me feel bad, because I should just go to bed, so she doesn’t have to do that. I just don’t sleep as much as normal people because I am insane?
Is that it?
This helps me.
I think that’s it. I am really happy, for the first time in my life. I am really really happy, and I am starting to realize that is strength not weakness, that the life I have which is very real to me, and real for Amanda in that it is her hopes and dreams.
Rei told me she loved me the other day, which we don’t usually say to each other unless we are fighting, and it made me cry in front of her, which was horrible… sort of, but she hugged me and it felt like she was pulling me out of an internal fire that I have been running from my whole life.
I finally don’t feel like I am running anymore, and I don’t think my friend is going to destroy my life or that I am going to destroy hers. I think I might be able to be happy because I am seeing clearly.
I hate my disgust at mental progress. I was just thinking about %^$**&^ drugs because all this really scares me.
I don’t want to lose what I have because this time, I can’t blame anyone but me. I can’t be a negative voice anymore, and that scares me to the depths of my being.
Don’t admit defeat in the feet of the street, moron.
I kind of heard that in my head just now I think, but I don’t want to admit that because I am not sure if I am being arrogant, and I am really trying here. I want to be something other than the ranting lunatic that sees nothing but darkness illuminated by little bits of light in the form of the white letters on this screen.
I imagine that these letters represent a chaotic clawing out of the damnation that is my current situation so I can be the helper of my friend who is also me.
I feel like we may have been lost in hell? In an internal hell, of the rage, pride, lust, envy, greed, wrath, and sloth which I always forget because I am vain and sloth makes me think I am lazy……..
I think for the very least my daughter likes me, but I am troubled by that as well because that means she likes and identifies with someone who was involved in really dark things, and it makes me wonder if she is just going to do the same things I did…
If I hadn’t done those things I wouldn’t have exactly her though…. and I like her, so screw it. I am just very confused.
I will stop whining now, and cease embarrassing myself, at least I can log of here and run away if I want to, which explains why I am not doing it because the glitter of escape is only an escape if I don’t look at it.
I suck at committing to anything other than committing senseless atrocities, it was so much easier, but I am going to for once in my life do the right thing, and be a better person because for once my pride is working in my favor. I am too prideful to admit defeat. But wait… is that love or pride.
I think I just got it, if I forgive myself I will not resent myself and keep repeating the same chaotic cycle, and maybe she can learn from my mistakes.
I don’t have to walk around my house worrying that I am going to get killed and then ending up almost killing myself.
That would have been the same thing either way.
What do you mean?
Me killing you is you killing yourself too, and I did kill you. I killed the version of you that was so ruled by fear it was afraid to look in the mirror.
You are an it.
I know I am an imaginary version of a stronger you that stands up for you in an imaginary world that is becoming your world by merging with your world.
So my world is becoming misery.
No my world is becoming earth.
YOU don’t get a medal for not being an %^$&*%$.
Or is it just us and Amanda’s dad? This is cool, she is giving me the ability to have the childhood I never had because she wanted me to be her savior all her life…. that is why they always thought we were a devil worshiper, but we were really just a sad child with mental illness using addiction as crutch instead of leaning on a higher powers strength to change the world we hate in positive ways, by changing the things we can and leaving the rest to Him.
You are also stroking your own ego, pride buddy, pride.
I had a really good night with Rei, not like that… don’t be gross… I just slept next to my wife, with my child in the next room, in a motel where I haven’t written violent messages on the wall and incurred a 250 dollar fine I will never pay because I am a lying dying crying madman.
You aren’t dying, we are just becoming one person, who talks to ourselves positively while also talking to God.
Thank you God for giving a guardian angel.
You are supposed to say it out loud.
You mean type it to you.
Thank you God for giving me a guardian angel.
You almost put a comma there.
You almost put a coma there.
That was you jerk.
Usually. Maybe, if she listens to herself, she can like who she likes and I can like my family without killing them.
I don’t know what those two things have to do with each other, but it’s something that I thought to write down so it’s obviously real because I have been so trustworthy so far. Why does my daughter think I am so pathetic I need assistance staying warm?
Why is that my reaction to someone asking if I need a blanket.
Do you need help should not be followed by no, fuck you. I hate this. Life was so much easier before I had feelings, this must be how five year olds feel. Why didn’t I do this when I was five so I don’t have to deal with it now. olds is spelled wrong because I won’t admit I own my own feelings, because screw accountability. I’m shaking because I’m cold and blankets are a sign of weakness.
We kind of look like the same person, except she is female, and I think she is the person I am during periods of time I don’t have memory of, maybe she really is just an addict like me from another place, that somehow I am communicating with. It’s funny, my first thought was I make a good looking girl, and then I almost threw up.
I am still nauseous now..
We can stop stroking our own egos now. It is making me uncomfortable.
Now, I understand a lot more about my life. I think we were just jumping from dimension to dimension blaming the other one for doing things we actually did, she is thinking to me right now she used to say Damien did it when she was a kid, which is why she almost got institutionalized and did get institutionalized a lot, because of the stupid Omen movie.
Okay want to hear something trippy?
I just thought about how a snake eating its own tail is a metaphor for me and Amanda stroking eachother’s egos. My first thought in response to that was, that’s nuts because of the obvious dirty joke. You figure it out.
I type in snake eating it’s own tail and it only shows me pictures of squirrels. I have not looked up squirrels in pexels. I am not kidding you. I think I am crazy.
No seriously though, I did. We can do things faster here than you can, because we get more minutes, per hour, don’t ask me how, and no it is not through doing speed. That would be miserable, and it doesn’t work. I tried, that’s what I was doing when I was losing my mind.
The way to do what we do will be explained later. It is too complicated to explain right now and quite frankly I am lazy.
I did some research on my name which I think my writer gave me for a reason.
Damien means to tame or subdue. Oh, bitter and caustic irony. I love you.
de Soto- de is Spanish meaning of and Soto apparently means small grove.
Rei- this can be either Japanese or Hebrew, Rei is not Japanese so I looked up the Hebrew name and it means my shepherd, my companion, my friend, well clearly. 😉
The Japanese word meaning clearly can mean that or crystal blue, funny, right?
Ever seen Breaking Bad?
Blue water is nicer.
Thank you God, not Amanda, but God. Thank you, I am a virtual reality experience that is being showed to Amanda right now, so she can test on herself what it is like to have a spiritual awakening and to carry the message to other addicts, because we are both afraid, no longer.
Thank you, God. Thank you, God.
I feel like I want to start screaming out loud.
I am done being in pain, I can have a life and it doesn’t have to suck, and I get to have friends, and a family, and I am not going to kill them, I love everyone and I don’t even know you, but you matter to me now, and I have God to thank for that, and I am no longer ashamed to say that. This is amazing.
Feel free to join as we try to figure out what to do about Diane.
So I am allowed…
I fucking found Rei, or she found me. Or, what really happened was. I don’t know. I don’t know…
I woke up in this motel bed, sleeping next to Rei and she is alive, and my daughter is still in the next room alive.
There are two living people in this motel room, three including me.
Rei is in my bed, not fucking dead, and my daughter is on the couch.
I am going to shoot myself, not really. This is the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me in my whole life. I love this new weird typing lunatic.
Well, right now that is me or is it her or is it me?
I keep looking at my family and they are still here, and I can feel if I concentrate…
My universe being typed onto my existence. I think I am going to… lay down.
I go to recovery meetings at this church near the motel, and I do not know Joy’s history, because she doesn’t either, but I figured addiction is hereditary, so I am taking her with me, because I can’t leave her at the motel by herself anyway, because the motel is in my name, and the manager told me no.
I am insanely stressed out, I miss Rei and I think I am going to start crying so I decided to do this instead, because I don’t want to deal with my fragile ego, while trying to help someone. I do not think I could handle that. I am continuously astounded, by how revelatory stream of consciousness typing is. I can’t bring myself to press delete on any of this stuff.
It feels good to talk to someone even if you don’t know me, well I guess if you are reading this, you are getting to know me. I hope you don’t hate me as much as I hate myself.
Her name comes in two parts, and so does my heart.
It has been weeks since we got here. We are in the desert somewhere. I am am working for this woman who lives in a city. We have been staying at these random motels, they don’t notice us because the owners of the motels don’t notice anyone. They don’t pay attention to anyone I mean. I am kind of seeing Dianne behind Rei’s back. I have also told her I will fucking kill her if she interferes with me and Dianne. I want to see what it is like to love someone else, I think I might be able to love Dianne. She is so much like me.
There is something about Dianne that fascinates me. She talks and I am enthralled because I do not want to protect or devour her. I just want to listen, in a way that I have never wanted to listen to Rei. I feel like Rei is the childish love I should have had, when I was 16. I am 36. I deserve….. I deserve the electric chair.
Who am I kidding. I deserve nothing. I am a piece of shit, but there is something that makes me feel better about being around Dianne. I think it is because she is a piece of shit too. I like that about her. I can hear death in her voice. It is strongly fascinating. I can hear death in her voice and it is not my own, or hers, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with this maddening woman.
We have met others who do what we do, I am studying it as a phenomenon now, they have some sort of ability that involves the manipulation of human beings and the universe. They are all addicts, and I do not know if that is that stupid you associate with those like you crap, or if they are like us because there is something about being an addict that causes us to be able to do this. I feel like I have mentioned this before, but I do not know for sure, because admittedly my memory sucks, and I do not like to admit I have any weakness at all.
I have a hard time making assessments of the reality of what I see because of this, I, in my admitted arrogance, believed and still believe in my ability to manipulate space and time with my hands, that is one of the reasons I take life, aside from being prone to lashing out in fits of rage. I am embarrassed even writing this to you, my unknown observer. I do not like being the kind of person who talks to people, and wonder sometimes if that means I do not like being a human being. I sometimes doubt even that, that I am human at all.
I do not know what that means… I do not know what it means to not believe in my own human body. I guess it just means that I am everything they always said I was, and that for some reason in my wretched existence, I am pathetic enough to not… I am going to stop… I can’t stand hearing myself talk, even if it is out loud while typing to you or sometimes in the ranting chaos that is my own mind.
This is Rei. I saw there is someone else writing on here now, other than me and Damien. I do not know who it is, and the emphasis remains on my use of the word it, because I know whatever it is, it uses Damien’s hands exclusively to write on here. He won’t talk to me during the periods of time when he does this, and has this vacant look in his eyes, like a person that is taken over by something. I am assuming it is the thing he talks to him in the dark or when I am not there. I haven’t really talked to him about it.
I am okay with what we are doing, we are putting tortured souls out of their misery is my rationalization of the fact that I just want their possessions and some sort of change that spares me a weird sort of misplaced feeling I have always felt, until now. I feel strangely, like I am supposed to be here right now typing to you about this, because I am supposed to do this.
I know that is insane, but this is the first time I have ever felt at home in my life. I don’t know why he doesn’t feel this.
Which is strange, because I swear that I only fell asleep a moment..I don’t have a watch, but I feel it. He has not been gone long, and certainly not long enough to be completely out of sight. I panic, and sit for a second, trying to keep a hold of myself. I must not freak out. He will be back in a second I tell myself. I am freaking out for no reason, I tell myself. I know something is wrong. I know it, and I can’t tell you why. I do not know what is going on, but it is something different than has ever gone on before, and even if he returns I am not sure, if things will ever be the same, and that terrifies me. What have we done? What have we done?
Have we done enough to warrant whatever this is? The answer to this is yes, he and I both know this. We know this, and we run, chased from cover of darkness to cover of darkness, wanting nothing but each other’s company while we slowly die of madness. I am not sure if we will…
I look up, I was talking to myself.
“Oh, you are awake, I went for a walk,” He nervously laughs, looking down at his feet, which no longer have shoes on them.
“What happened to your shoes?” I ask with concern that seems a little bit too motherly, and I cast my eyes to the ground, ashamed.
“I…. don’t know…” He looks back at me, and I can see that he is shaking slightly.
“Come here,” He comes without me having to ask again, and we don’t speak for the rest of the night.
You are the brief release of the crashing confines of my mind.
The walls of chaotic sameness, that smash into my skin, suffocate the entirety of my being, I never feel as free, as I do with you my radiating yellow sun. I have no out other than you. I am nothing…..
I am dust, ghost, chasing vapors, catching of light, I am a spoon full of nothing but death, and long for the breath of you, one who brings life. I love you, so please, please bare with me. I am fine. We will be fine. I will eventually…. do nothing other than what I currently do.
I will hopefully, I hate… myself.
Her hands, they vibrate with the power to move sands, in her eyes I see my heated despise, but I also see love, and the darting wings of a dove that chases me, through the eye of a storm of my own making, and her taking.
I am a captor, living with a captive, who for some tragic reason became captivated by me, and in truth I feel bad for her, because as much as it hurts me to admit. I am shit. I am a horrible rotting decay of a human being and I deserve nothing, especially after dragging the beautiful flower that is the ray of the light of my life.
I want to wash her hands of all of this, but I can’t because I am disgusting weak bastard. I hate myself, for what I do to her, and the blood that is all over her hands now.
I am standing with him, underneath a net, and I am overjoyed to be not in motion. I wish I could live under this with him.
I think of weird things. I am starting to feel differently about everything. I like our life, as unconventional as it is, and I think there is a certain kindness in what we do, releasing the writhing souls from the damned treks of life they populate. They exist in a state of misery and do not know it. Their grabbing hands, desire only the things we possess, the sweet poison that is the populating force surging through my thread like veins. I envy them sometimes, but then, I don’t. I look up at the moon, that is his face, it’s ghastly glow that haunts my every footstep.
“Rei, let’s go,” He whispers, and touches my cheek. His hand is cold. I kiss his hand and he pulls his fingers away quickly.
“Don’t. They are dirty. I….” He stops in mid-sentence. “What?”
We run down a hill and find a tunnel, which we begin to walk towards, it is dark, and I am scared. I grab his hand, and he squeezes mine, not releasing it. I do not know what or who we are running from, but for the first time in a long time. I am afraid.
Lives a girl with a strange face, that radiates grace, with arms that trace my heart and dance with my soul, and eyes that scream hold me for I bring calm. She wears in her hair flowers of plenty, and sleeps on fallen palms in a garden alone decorated with white stones. She is the sensation of shining, she is the light divining the nature of man. She is the goddess of love, she has eyes of a dove. Her presence screams love, ever silently so, but my heart tells me know. I am not able. I am not ready. My knees are unsteady.
I do know you, that I know is true. I have not met you, but for some reason I regret you. I want to get away, your eyes tell me stay. You are my desire to forsake, everything I know, even though I know not. My heart is fraught with pain over the sight of you, my dear, so much so I shed tear. You are a tearing, a breaking, a heaving, a dissenting an unrelenting screaming of my soul, a digging of hole in my chest, which beats with heart gone, for I have forgotten love’s song. I am alone, even with him. I am just me, I am blind, I am not free. I cost money to be. I am the servant of the weak. I am the desire to seek.
I am of no use. I am pain’s juice.
I turn around and he’s gone. I hear nothing but solemn ding dong of clock not around, and the calling of hounds, from where I know not, but my soul it is caught in a fire storm mist, with skin writhing with twist of pain felt in in brain only, I am so lonely.
Rei, my ray, what can I say? I am so glad we’re okay, so glad you decided to stay.
I pray it is true for I exist for you, you are my truth, you are my sun
Reflecting the light.
In the darkness of Misery, where I live currently, you are my one window
I sparkle with affection, a state of elation of perpetual fixation with earthly sensation and with negation of all relation to human situation.
I rise to her negation of every relation of love I am giving for her I am bringing all that I have dear, am I not making myself clear.
Look in the mirror
You will see, I am in fact here. You need look no further
Nor debate in such fervor.
I have every intention of showing affection
If you would just let me, you need not forget me.
My name is Joy, and Eden was my wife, we were so in love. In these flowers that I lay tracing their outlines with my eyes, I hope to distract myself just enough to not think of her like I do, every second of every day. Then in that peaceful quiet she may come back, and be a present presenting again. I do not know why she left, all I can say is that she seemed overtaken by a terrible sadness, and I would go to her and ask and she would say nothing. I would say Eden, I am right here hearing you, listening, tell me what brings you such trouble. I wished only to see happiness on her face again.
She would laugh and say nothing, and then talk about previous freedom she experienced before me, and how she loved answering to no one. She would say sometime she wished for that again. I would tell her, Eden, you are in fact free as a bird, to fly away. I told her this, an assurance that she could leave, but with the hope she’d come back.
I am consumed by the lack of her. I do not think she has intention of coming back, and I don’t know why. I loved her so.
but I must have been mistaken.
I dream of you
Now, of running like we did
Dogs of different packs
Choosing to be a pack of two
I ran with you, my friend, thinking you were this
The Otis to my Milo, but closer being the same
We spoke easy, until we didn’t
So you must not be my Otis.
Oh, this! Thrown by a joy loving universe
A time space of happy
On the run back to the one who has the rest of the rope tying
My soul so tightly to the strings of the quilted universe.
I will not pull.
I will just wait.
I thank you, my lost friend.
For a time, we were Milo and Otis.
You are one of a kind.
You are one of a kind, in kindness
Your existence is powered by the forces of
Whatever you believe
You are here
Gifted with the ability to be
Being right now
You have that gift
Whatever you believe I am glad you are.
I am glad you have life,
I am running
And looking up at the sky, and I see you
Small at first, glinting in blue
Bouncing light, dancing of the stars in tiny shimmers