Our dog hid under the table all night, and followed me around, which is strange, seeking protection from me, when I have always viewed myself as the storm people seek protection from

Stricken

The thunder and lightning, were my grandmother’s favorite thing in the world, she would drop everything she was doing to go and sit and watch storms. I am reminded of how horribly I treated her, when she was dying. She was an addict too, just alcohol instead of heroin, and I was in the begining of heroin use, so I resented her for having an addiction that everyone could openly see, and knew about. She was a large part of why I left, or my resentment of her, and my family’s varied response to her versus me.

I didn’t understand what made up so different, my drug of choice being different only in that it was illegal.

I forgot my heroin use came after her death from cancer or COPD, or some variation of the two. I forgot what my family went through with her, because I didn’t go through the same thing. I only cared about me.

I apologized for this tonight, so I kind of feel better about the whole thing.

Small steps.

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Thank you to recovery from addiction, not curing me, but making me realize that quitting drugs and alcohol can give me a life beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I have a family, and I love them, so much. I did not realize that I had crafted lies that were dictating a future of misery and pain, which was making those around me miserable, and that is not far because my family loves me so much.

I am making amends every day right now or trying to because they stuck by me, why I don’t know….

Because they love you, and they are good people, and they deserve love and hugs.

I know. I am doing that now.

Good job.

Thank you self.

Thank yourself.

I just did.

I know.

I love you too, honey. You are an amazing girl, my lack of ability to interact with you has nothing to do with you, I have never had anyone who needed me in my entire life, I was selfish to not even think about the possibility of you existing, there were periods of time when Rei, your mother and I, I am sorry, I am new at this whole thing….

There were periods we did not speak, and even though you came out perfectly, I know that during this period of time your mother was using and was not of clear mind. I knew nothing of your existence before I met you. I still know very little about it. I think your mother knows more because she doesn’t think I can handle it. I am so happy you exist, you are the light of my life and I wouldn’t be able to see past my own hands on this keyboard if it weren’t for the existence of you. You made me see what I was doing, how I was destroying your mother, and have taught me so much more about forgiveness than I have ever thought possible. I love you, sweetie. I am terrible at showing it. I am avoidant because I am having a hard time.

This has nothing to do with you. I am hoping I can get your mother to show you this because I don’t want to ask you to read something on here. I am extremely ashamed of the hard life we gave you because of our horrible choices. I am working my hardest to progressively fix all the havoc, I am just very bad at this.

I will do anything I can to make it up to you every day of my life going forward. I do not want to fail you ever again in the way we did before or any other way.

I love you hunny.

Please forgive me.