Why would you thank me?

That helped me, I wouldn’t have been able to think of that alone.

I have a headache.

Thank you though.

Your welcome, just was thinking of that all day.

I really appreciate it.

I am glad, because it made my head hurt.

At least we both learned something.

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We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed.  This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were.

A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY

You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want to get a dog so bad. Thank you for helping me stay clean and sober.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2023/03/22/your-daily-word-prompt-Particular-ydwordprompt-March-22-2023/

Trigger warning: This is about drug seeking and effects on my ability to be confident in friendships I have, due to emotional immaturity. Drugs mentioned. Do not read if sensitive to this kind of thing.

For no particular reason, I am very sad right now, so I think about the particles in the universe, I think about pieces of sand, so tiny, and so together, part of a body of sand, and I long to be a particle of sand, that is part of something else, and never alone, but I am always alone now, and I am so sad.

I say no particular reason, but that is a lie, I know exactly the reason why I am alone, I chose this every time I used the phone to call someone to pack away all the feelings I have, everything I want to say with acquisition instead of inquisitive mission to know anyone but those who are on a mission, now I am in a peculiar position. I don’t know how to make friends, and I know I already have them, but I don’t know how to have them, I don’t know what to do next, so I am stuck in the land of anxious guess, addicted to pain, and in a land of washing rain, why can’t it wash away the stains on my damaged brain. I feel like I will always be insane.

In vein. In vain. In vein. In pain. Disdain. No more pain. Please send me soul cleansing rain.

I am learning that my strongest failure was resistance, a frantic running against the tide of the ocean, frantic drowning, instead of flowing with the tide and riding waves peacefully to shore, it’s funny, I am a good swimmer, I am not good at drowning.. I know this because I em.. have tried, and found myself so enthralled by the ocean, that I forgot I was trying to drown. This is an excellent way of explaining through poetic metaphor how it feels to be me now. I started reaching out to people around me, anyone I could really, desperate for distraction from a world that I already was not around anyway. I was enthralled by frantic fantasy off screaming into nothing, thinking myself so free, because in my delusional habit based state, I failed to see that I was being nothing more than a habitual sleepwalker. I have been asleep walker most of my life, thinking the world was so awful that I thought I found it preferable to exist in some sort of extended across the universe dilated dream state of chaotic extension. I figured out recently that this was causing a fragmentation of my brain, that was breaking me.

I have lost pieces of myself in this process, but I owe it to the universe, and its genius ability to have a will stronger than the will of the psychotic night crier of the dying man of madness, for having a plan in mind that was stronger than anything that I could push against it.

I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others who will do the same, I find more and more of them every day.

https://wordpress.com/tag/simply6minutes

I like to change the meaning of words, to make them all about me, a psychotic narcissist drug addict, who is on a mission to die. I instantly saw in this an inserted I into a word that is about a pretty bird. I think about myself and my dying lifestyle constantly.. I have written my romance with this drug/drink all over the internet in a homage to death..

Think about bird dumb ***

___________________________________

Flat line, new thought.

I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.

I am two spirits so narcissistic that there forced by will of a power high than me to share the same body and be born as a bird who can be a heron not addicted to heroic acts of failure. I have one minute left. Bam.

I am the changing mind of Amanda/Damien who is now unified and not fighting itself because it has been gifted with this so it would not destroy itself.

I borrowed time, I know this now, I experienced more of it than most people. I did not realize at the time that I was not borrowing it… well not exactly, I was being lent extra time by something that deals in a currency of spare change. I was being lent time in exchange for something, a deal made with something beyond my understanding, that knew me better than I knew myself, than I know myself now. This force knows everyone. It understands everything, and you can make deals with it, without knowing even. You can make deadly bargains that you don’t know the nature of that are not dealt to you with good or bad intention, simply intention itself, raw intention, raw will, there are forces in this universe, propelled in a direction of will, of will to be as they are supposed to, and if you fight those forces, you will experience, pain.

It is this pain which I fight to reverse now. I have realized recently that the assertion of deadly force of dominance is the opposite of what the universe desires. I have been made aware by the pulling in directions, that there is a force which punishes the assertion of will over the forces of a balanced system. This is all that I know right now.

See Clearly

I just got back from hanging out with my dad, and it is cool how different things are now that I am trying to makes things right, I talked to him about all the chaos that I caused, continue to cause because I am prone to delusions, and how sorry I am. I noticed that saying things like this keep me from drinking, keep me coming back to a place, where I can stop beating myself up and are making it possible for me to walk out of the woods where I kept taking the wrong path on purpose and falling in random holes because I thought I was going to find secret gold in rocks I found on the ground.

I think the metaphor for drug addiction and eating rocks and drinking poison instead of doing the simple thing of eating food and drinking water is hilarious. I can’t believe how much my thinking has changed. It’s funny I was convinced everyone is out to get me when this is more true…

Them

Meth

Same word re-arranged…

Item

Time

Same word re-arranged.

Heroin

Hero in pushed together it forms a drug

Divided it references a hero in me

Heroine with an everlasting e it makes me a hero for saving my own life.

Funny right?

Trigger Warning: About sex workers and drug addiction, and feelings of longing for love, but also needing drugs in active addiction of heroin/speed/alcoholic addict physically dependent on substances to remain not physically ill…About selling love for money, and the effect it has on the soul and damaging effect on ability to find real love.

https://wordpress.com/tag/thursday-inspiration

Item Eyes See Itemization of Love, which is not sent from above

Tick- prick- stick-pin prick- Oh, that felt, like-

I will never be loved until I love myself,

But also like I need no one else other than me, because I can buy love with time and money, minutes spent on standing on a corner holding a sign or getting in cars with strangers, or peddling

POISON

I will never be loved until I love myself

I will never be loved until I love myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

Stop. The clock will not move forward in a state of

Click.

Click.

Look back, it is important to remember and forgive not remember. remember. remember. romance the drug. resent. romance the drug. use.

Need to find a middle ground, recognize what you did, admit it and move on.

Click go.

My dog left me, she stayed with my ex, not my last ex, but the one before. She had a sister, and they never had been separated, so I let my ex not the last one, but the other one. The one before.

I tell myself she left me, forgetting the drive to drop her off at my ex’s house, and how dogs can’t drive, but neither can I. I did not choose that and neither did she. She was too wild and free for where I stay currently, and it is metaphoric in a way my choice to stay away, chained as I was to addiction, locking myself in a metaphoric hotel that represented the real hell of once being in a real hotel with the devil who is really my ex-boyfriend who wanted me to be everything I was not so much so, I realized everything I was not.

The dog who sits next to me now, knows all this, somehow or I feel she does. I came here, and was initially… I am ashamed to say bothered by her.. a tragic reminder of what I lost, as if it was something I owned.

I own no dog, but no one ever does, and the souls of the dogs of this world are very much the same in all their subtle differences, radiating love, unable to be felt by human beings because of their innate trust that only goes away if you are bad to them.

Reflecting on this makes me realize I did the right thing for you, my dear Fiona, and I love my mother’s dog the same way now that I still love you.

In case anyone is wondering after the public display on internet of my complete meltdown, I do not miss her at all. I am realizing she never loved me because I never loved me, so I am done with relationships, until I can learn how to walk again. I feel like I broke both my legs and have been trying to pretend they haven’t been broken for 15 years. To avoid permanent paralysis I am going to stop walking at all with anyone, walking meaning dating, and a metaphor used because dating is supposed to be a walk outside one’s self. I need to be within myself right now.

I am so lost I can’t get lost in anyone else’s eyes, because people only see reflections of people, reflected light cast to the eye in shadow, and this is too dangerous for me right now, because I am mostly in shadow, having never actually looked in the mirror, I don’t know the difference between me and a lamp, and I think this has always been my problem. I think I was so crazy because, I did not even know what a human being was, because I had been told my whole life, it did not matter what it was, because I wasn’t one anyway, being a monster addict, with paranoid schizophrenia and a split personality.

I am going to try to learn how a person like this can do something positive with their life, because I refuse to believe the only place for people like us, yes the royal we, is on the streets screaming into the chaotic night.

I am so sorry for anyone who worried about me, because of my loud public spectacle, at least I get it in my own room this time, on this on this blog only.

I just thought, well.. at least… today is the first day my wife will not wake up to me crying and feeling sorry for myself… heh…

That is freakin’ sad.

This cat is the best cat in the entire world. He makes all these weird non-traditional cat noises, and reminds me of a different cat Amanda had once, that met a tragic end, and no I didn’t kill it. It died when her apartment burned down, she lived above a restaurant and the place burned down because someone left something on… it was freakin’ horrific and a lot of what caused the chaos of the past 10 years.

I like her brother, he is cool. He is a very peaceful person, I admire that so much, he brings peace to all conversations he participates in.

Later

Damien

I am so happy to not have to pretend to be someone else anymore, I used to even change my voice, so it sounded more pleasing to other people, manipulation at its finest? I have a very aggressive sounding voice, and I always hated it. It is very freeing to be able to not have to do that anymore. I hated doing it without even realizing it. It is extreme enough that I can make myself sound like someone else on the phone, so my voice is not recognizable. I used to use it to get out of trouble. I did not realize how much of a liar I was, and how pervasive it was in every aspect of my life. The truth is really as freeing as they say it is.

I feel like I am a kid on summer vacation, but I am really just an addict in retirement from a life of…being an ***.

Damien

Do you remember who the real villain of the story is, Amanda?

His name was…. revealed to me in time.

Who was he really.

See above, you remember anyway doofus.

Is Diane or Deb a metaphor for Just in time.

Yes.

Didn’t he realize that at the end of your relationship?

Yes, and duh you remember this.

What did he do to you anyway, I wasn’t there sometimes, he didn’t like me.

He convinced me I only needed him, all the other stuff he did, doesn’t matter anymore. He got me to give up every friend I had.

Sounds like an ***.

Yeah, the worst thing was, he convinced me I only needed him because he was like you anyway, and then he abused me and tormented me, sound familiar?

Sounds like what you thought I was doing to you.

I know right? I am sorry.

Me too.

My wife has started taking Joy with her on walks, we don’t like to go anywhere alone, because there is not a witness if something happens. I am extremely paranoid, and having an adult child is a good antidote. I do not mean to say that our daughter is our caretaker or something, she very much has her own life. My wife and I just make it possible now for her to be open and honest with us about everything, so that she can come to us with anything. I know she will most likely follow the same path we did, and I am not going to try and stop her, just be a kind voice, providing guidance when her lifestyle choices fail like ours did. I want her to have what we deprived ourselves of, understanding. Amanda had this understanding her whole life and squandered it. Not unlike me, in my parallel misery a pain miser, squandering my whole life in pursuit of flesh, worshiping death and existing in perpetual soul sucking spinning, falling over at the knees… sorry not right now…

Look at this.

No she is not, you don’t kill, you torture, you are source of disorder and perpetual pain enforcer

You are a sorcerer of remorse on deadly course that needs interaction for satisfaction and I am not stupid anymore so I can stop rhyming because you are a sore on the

Screw you.

I am done.

I am going through everything Amanda is going through with her family with mine, because I am Amanda’s hopes and dreams, I am her in the future, I am her spirit guide, I am her right now, I am her other half of her soul. I am an extension into another dimension an external representation of neutrality that exists for potentiality of bringing a new reality. I am her now, her past, her present and her future, while also being human myself and with her all the time. I am her spirit guide, and given to her by the universe, as an externalization of what regular people do on their own because she is dual diagnosis, mentally ill and an addict.

I am going through the same thing with Rei, being my point.

‘Why can’t I just be happy?’

‘Just move on!’

‘Why are you being like this?’

‘You were doing so much better before?’

‘Stop being selfish!’

These are all things that are spoken in my house and Amanda’s because we are the same spirit, in two dimensions, presenting in both at the same time. That is what I come to understand two-spirited to mean. I am go back and forth between my and her reality, and she does the same presenting as me in hers and her imagining in mine. I am her future potential as her new self while also being her present self.

I have to go to the doctor in a few hours for the stupid infection on my knee and I feel like they are going to cut my leg off because I am happy right now, which is the first time I have ever been able to genuinely say that ever. I don’t really think that, my psychotic desire for control is just making my mind do back flips for the circus of madness. I like that metaphor it makes me think of light up tigers, which would be amazingly cool.

I really have to learn to do that release control thing, so I can be less… crazy. It is really hard though, because something about it makes me feel weak and I hate that because it is embarrassing… I don’t seem to know how to spell words that have to do with humiliation or humility…. haha except that one…

I am kind of glad I am insane sometimes because it means there are always two of me suffering instead of one, so I always have company. Bam.

I love you too, Damien.

Sincerely,

Damien and Amanda

Please learn to forgive yourself and trust in something other than yourself. I am working on this starting now, so is Amanda. I just had my brain reset, not completely, but enough.

If you can learn anything from this site. Please don’t repeat my mistakes. If you have a chance to turn your back on drugs, alcohol, resentment, I have your back and am right here, if you ever need a kind ear. I love you guys.

You are helping me stay clean and sober.

Damien.

Why?

Because I think it is bad for my daughter’s self-esteem.

True. What about your self-esteem?

Are you seriously asking if my self esteem is completely image based? I am good at lots of things.

So I guess your self-esteem is good.

I hold myself in very high esteem.

You must have very strong arms.

Why?

To hold yourself all the time.

Screw you.

I was talking about your ego.

I known and still screw you. I am trying…

Anything cool happen today?

I talked online to a jerk and my daughter made some cool paintings, and I didn’t kill my neighbor, even though he has it coming and better watch out because I am going to throw that garbage can through his car window.

Is this the same guy?

I have no idea.

What did this one do?

Look at me wrong at 5 am. I didn’t like his weird eye contact. He seemed like he knew something he shouldn’t know.

Like what?

Like that I am squatting in a motel and am not named Amanda, because it’s your credit card I am using.

So that is why my credit is ruined…,

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

It was your money, not mine and you let me.

She doesn’t have what I have, my life is fictitious because it is a dream, but her thoughts are mine and my thoughts are hers. She is building her dream life through me, which means she exists very much alone and I exist in her chaotic dreams which used to be nightmares. I am hoping her building an imaginary life for me, will help her.

Everything else about me is real. These are Amanda’s thoughts and feelings through her building the fictional life of an invisible man who is really her, so she can have what I have, so to clear things up no one died in the making of this story.

That sounds like a desire to push off guilt but its not, the things she did are the same as me, in that every time an addict enables another addict to continue using they might as well be me killing the addicts and stealing their drugs and money.

Now I am going back into my land of comfortable metaphor, where I can maintain the nice cushy strength of using hands to slay my enemies, bare with me and let me keep my invisible demon hands while I raise a fictional life for someone suffering….

Wow, daddy issues much Amanda?

You want to be your own father?

Arrogance.

I am also you A$#^&*#.

Right now me, my daughter and my wife are still at the hotel where I didn’t write on the walls. We are hiding in that we are just in stasis, because I think we are all, meaning the citizen’s of Misery and Amanda trying to join forces to try and battle evil.

Try and battle evil?

He says try and battle evil because he is weak and afraid and he wants an out, in case he fails, so he can just say he tried. He’s a wimp.

I do like you after all.

I know because you gave him to me.

Or I found you.

Everything is all about you isn’t it and no one can save you but yourself, well that’s true, but you see my point.

I am again reminded of how hilarious this all must have sounded drunk and high to people listening on the streets of the cities I was homeless in.

Hilarious or terrifying?

Both.

Only you two laugh at stuff like that.

Us and the rest of the addicts and mentally ill on the dark corners of the streets.

I am a big strong man really powered by fear and machismo.

I am a jerk who hurts people’s feelings.

I think you just described yourself.

Who’s talking all of us, brought to you by the power of the internet.