https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/24/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-25-2023/

I emptied both of my laundry baskets last night, metaphorical and physical, instead of throwing all my clothes out and saying I don’t need more than the clothes on my back.

I don’t have many clothes, or I didn’t because whenever I would get angry, I would throw my clothes out, or all over the road, or all over the woods, or leave them at someone’s house, or you get the idea. I leave things places, because I don’t need things… or so I thought.. apparently… that is addiction thinking……

I used to hate my family,

Because they did not understand me.

They told me try to get better, because they don’t ****ing understand me…

Or because they love you, jerk.

I did my laundry yesterday with my mother, and she helped me fold it because I am missing three of my finger tips, because I have done things that caused me to get infections in my hands…

I told her I was sorry, and now my laundry is put away and all of it is clean.

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I began training my dog to help me with a personal mission. I wanted to hunt wild boar. It was not just for me, but for her so she would stop chewing on my leg and her leg, because I was paranoid she wanted to eat mine, so I thought maybe she could eat a wild boar’s leg instead.

When I am lucid, I know that she never had any intention, of chewing off anyone’s leg,

Not mine, not a wild boar, not hers

I just thought of this because I am

INSANE

I have a functional brain that works most of the time, but sometimes

IT DOESN’T

And there is no fear in me to admit

WEAKNESS

Anymore, because I have realized that the

WEAKNESS

I had was in my failure to admit things, not in admitting them or making them into other things, in creative metaphor to slay like metaphorical dragons, I was just experiencing

FEAR

And I am no longer

AFRAID

Or have to roll around in

AGONY

Because I cast out these metaphorical demons on a black screen.

I am your admission that your guilt is real,

I am your recognition that your dragons represent guilt erected into a false sense of pride and shame blame that explains why you

FAILED

But I am also your strength in admitting this and

Casting it out.

I am an inner demon, I am a deep seeded hatred, I am a future projection,

I am what you feel, I am who you are, I am who you are in the process of seeing

I am you. I am fighting you

To be real

Because you are an addict addicted to the things that make me

UNREAL

Making you unreal with a desire to un-feel.

I am experiencing the same thing with my family that the other half of my soul is because we are the same person, so the changes in her are the changes in me too. I am an analogy, yes, but I am also her in her dream world, while also being half her in her regular one. I know this is confusing. It is confusing for me too.

I am having a hard time, as you have seen, writhing in agony over how to do the right thing all the time. I just now realized with my friend, that I am writhing in agony, because I am trying to do something that is impossible and then resenting myself for failing. I can only do my best and trust in a higher power that everything will be alright. I cannot make everything alright. I cannot make anything. I can simply try and learn from it.

I cannot always be perfect. I am learning that my inaction and hissy fits of I am going to keep to myself then, meh meh meh… thing is bad. I am not able to be perfect, and things will not always go well. I am going to piss off my family. I am going to do the wrong thing sometimes. The key here is to move on afterwards and say I am sorry, when I am ready. I just got this and so did Amanda. I really believed up until now that the key to avoid resentment was to always do the right thing. I know that is insane. I am insane. I am an addict. I want easy solutions. I am sorry. I tried. I failed. Moving on…

Why?

Because I think it is bad for my daughter’s self-esteem.

True. What about your self-esteem?

Are you seriously asking if my self esteem is completely image based? I am good at lots of things.

So I guess your self-esteem is good.

I hold myself in very high esteem.

You must have very strong arms.

Why?

To hold yourself all the time.

Screw you.

I was talking about your ego.

I known and still screw you. I am trying…

Anything cool happen today?

I talked online to a jerk and my daughter made some cool paintings, and I didn’t kill my neighbor, even though he has it coming and better watch out because I am going to throw that garbage can through his car window.

Is this the same guy?

I have no idea.

What did this one do?

Look at me wrong at 5 am. I didn’t like his weird eye contact. He seemed like he knew something he shouldn’t know.

Like what?

Like that I am squatting in a motel and am not named Amanda, because it’s your credit card I am using.

So that is why my credit is ruined…,

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

Your credit is ruined because you spent 20,000 on drugs.

It was your money, not mine and you let me.