Who would you like to talk to soon?

My mother is the most supportive person in my life, she is the one of the ways I even figured out I was transgender to begin with, she knew before I did, and when I was very depressed after quitting drugs and alcohol, she talked to me about the whole thing and helped by listening to me talk about how I felt. She didn’t suggest anything, just listened, actively and asked me questions, and I figured out the reason I was drinking and using had a lot to do with trauma from having hydrocephalus and various traumatic things like my house burning down, etc. and the fact that I was not accepting who I was.

I literally said out loud to her,

how I am going to be with men if I can’t forget who I am, and pretend to be a girl?

She helped me realize that one of the reasons I used, one, not the only one, was that I was denying who I was.

The woman referred to in the archives of this site as Diane, is my mother, who is with her husband for the weekend at the ocean. She is my best friend, the only one who stuck with me through my insanity and drug and alcohol chaos. I hope to talk to her soon, because the morning is awkward without her. We usually hang out in the morning and make eachother laugh. I thought of a couple jokes that only she will get.

And now this.

I am a bird with a song, and I sing for you, I am up all day long, doing what birds do, I sing not for you, but for them, but it makes no difference, if you listen all day long, I sing with relentlessness.

I am a word used in a weird way.

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Rabbit Hole, Oh Rabbit Hole, You are such a delight, Rabbit Hole

I am sitting on the floor, waiting for my shot of sun, you are above me, having so much fun. You went first, what a surprise, you are so very good at becoming the objectification of despise, oh sweet master, you are the apple of my eye. You hold the key to my heart baby, in injectable poision.

I stare at a spindle, no I stare at you, I love you so much, what are we to do?

GIVE IT TO ME.

You ask me

What?

I desire poison.

I am the act of cut.

Sever.

Cut me in two.

I just want it, not you.

Ow, I hurt my own feelings.

https://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2023/03/12/wordle-596/

The most terrifying thing, I have been thinking about all night is what if I am actually normal now that I have realized my paranoid delusions are what were killing me, making me live in a separate reality cast as a madman when that is not who I ever was, riddled by guilt of not saying no to drugs… what if this is a higher power talking to me, telling me it is my delusions, and the drugs and alcohol that perpetuated them, making me into something I am not… and now.. now I hear something higher… and I am just listening, actively, to the voice of something that loves me. What if it is just trying to save my life, by telling me to stay away from toxic things like drugs and alcohol, what if it is trying to change my fate through compelling my broken soul to change?

I have been casting my eyes to the stars at night, looking for a star that is different, anything that will say that something is speaking to me, that this is not all in my head. That is some sort trial that is supposed to bind my hand to something that is tied to something that is much higher than I could ever have been in my whole life of vagrancy.

I am compelled to meditate in my room, in any room I am in, on this strange call I hear sometimes. It comes to me when I am shaking, or crying in the dark black of night, and the only thing that seems to cure it is church or the powers of over drugs and alcohol that I gain through recovery meetings.

I have always heard this strange music, in my head, when thinking about all this, a chaotic piecing together of sounds, when I think about all this. It sounds like the universe talking to me through sound, but I think I am just insane. I don’t know…

I borrowed time, I know this now, I experienced more of it than most people. I did not realize at the time that I was not borrowing it… well not exactly, I was being lent extra time by something that deals in a currency of spare change. I was being lent time in exchange for something, a deal made with something beyond my understanding, that knew me better than I knew myself, than I know myself now. This force knows everyone. It understands everything, and you can make deals with it, without knowing even. You can make deadly bargains that you don’t know the nature of that are not dealt to you with good or bad intention, simply intention itself, raw intention, raw will, there are forces in this universe, propelled in a direction of will, of will to be as they are supposed to, and if you fight those forces, you will experience, pain.

It is this pain which I fight to reverse now. I have realized recently that the assertion of deadly force of dominance is the opposite of what the universe desires. I have been made aware by the pulling in directions, that there is a force which punishes the assertion of will over the forces of a balanced system. This is all that I know right now.

See Clearly

What makes you most anxious?

I don’t do this, and I won’t, never did, never will, always won’t, always don’t dance for anybody ever or with anybody ever, it is awful, and I hate everything about it. I know this, don’t even doubt it. I have a hard time even watching others dancing because it’s stupid,

I don’t see the point and I know it is supposed to be fun, when you are lucid.

And even when you are not, people love this and get caught

Being silly and being taught

To find joy in this but I can’t

I won’t do it, no point no chance, I hate to ****ing dance

Standing and staring someone in the eye, and doing something weird at them, yeah thanks, I think I would rather die, than do this, because it sounds like it sucks.

Stupid, lame, act of schmucks…

I don’t want anyone touch me

I don’t like bumping into things, I don’t like spinning round and round, I don’t like parties, don’t like moving up and down, I am not good at smiling I am good at frown,

I suck, I know, doesn’t show, but **** you, I don’t want to do it, please leave me alone.

I was killed where I stand. I stand still. I took the wrong pill. I made the wrong deal, should have instead bought a meal. I dealt with a steal-er. He made me a meal here. I stood on the ground, hearing not a sound, but a pound, that came in my ear, shattering conscience, conciousness…spelled it wrong… bitch…

Foolish hands that write of man, who stands as me, I am herder of swine don’t you see. I am a liar and host of deception-ist sort. I am a maker of words, singer of cries…. I am the dying of dies.

I lost my train of thought, who was I before. I was someone. I was someone.

My name is Miranda. I was a writer and then Ms. Rei.

Misery, don’t you see….

Cut off my hands.

You were using them wrong, you were writing death’s song.

I am the screaming sound of quiet, the pounding madness of the human ear with nothing to hear, the vibration of the sensation of nothing to contribute to the human psyche. I am the speaking in languages beyond the frequency of man.

We are walking in the woods, where doesn’t matter, the woods are the woods, though they may have slightly different trees they scream in the same language. We are tuned to an unearthly frequency Damien and I, through our travels we have come to know a life that is beyond that of human. We are of the earth, we are dealers of the down and dirty mirth of men, sent by chaos or the wrath of some unknown God that used to be man, and thinks he knows how to do it, but he is very wrong. There were ways that existed before he spoke and those are the ways that we follow. We are tuned to the waves of the ocean. We come for the souls of the damned by the forces of time, the steal-ers of life from the rest of the communities of men. We come for the fallen so far from the community of human being that they have thought it was proper to steal and deal time. That is our job with

TIME
ITEMS
SPEED-ING DEMONS

I am the extending of the ING.