Under my shoe, under my shoe, it is hidden so cleverly, under my shoe

We were in cahoots, she was my new friend, well not really…

She was my friend, for every minute we contrived, some plan to rip off everyone who as she, was not so divine. In truth, I cared for nothing, not even her kiss, just was on a mission to get a really good fix, for a problem contrived, by a mind addicted to mixed poision, if with her I could have stayed, I would not have not left…

Oh, silly girl, I loved you so, with my friend in love, say it’s not so. I loved you so much, but daren’t piss him off, now I think of you always and never, hope you are better off.

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Bad metaphor

I am kind of glad I figured out whose voice I am hearing when I hear what I refer to as the voice of misery.

Are you really?

Which one of you is it?

The one you like.

That’s good, I feel like **** right now.

I do too.

The voice feels nothing…

Don’t do that.

Okay, it feels whatever it feels.

Thank you. I like this song a lot.

Another Day in Paradise?

Yeah, it has like three or so different meanings for me, especially since we have been there on the side of the street. I am thinking a lot about California.

Why?

Is it weird I miss being there?

No, everytime we start making progress we ruin it by getting drunk/high, which is what I assume you mean by missing California.

I can’t do the whole thing again to our family, but I think about it every day.

Right there with you.

Want to come upstairs with me?

Yes.

I’m not.

You never are.

Not true.

Yeah, I just wanted to see how you would respond.

I don’t know how to respond to that.

I knew you wouldn’t, but I also don’t know how to respond now.

Mission accomplished?

Yeah… I guess so.

Agony of root of the material of forgetting to take of things: OCD I wanted all these together for some reason, I am insane right now, sorry

Daily writing prompt

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

View all responses

I wanted to be free from being in the back of my own head, living a life of falsehood, bad faith pretending to be something I was not just because I thought society would not accept me, us, both of us. I am two people. I don’t care how insane that sounds. I have the thoughts and opinions of two people, and can give two completely separate sets of reactions. I am also me, and trapped in a girls body, but she needed me, she hates herself, because she doesn’t want to be a girl either. Neither of us did. I think we were sentenced to this, because we are both supposed to do something together, but I am crazy and have an overinflated sense of self-importance, so don’t listen to me.

I have no idea what question… oh yeah… when I grew up… I don’t know alive? I will settle for alive… not being dead is good.

https://afstewart.ca/2023/03/29/drabble-wednesday-secrets/

I am trying to get somewhere, where I don’t know, but I am going to somewhere, which is not where I want to go. I have one objective, objection to where this mother****er thinks we are going, to object through exit part of the way there, so I don’t end up there, just close to there which is where I was going, the man driving just doesn’t know that, he can’t or else I would be going somewhere else which is not where I want to go. He wants to follow me, so he can hurt me, it seems anyway.

I am looking at you, and wonder how you do that?

That standing upside down thing? That standing inverted thing?

How did you make the world flip over?

I don’t get it…

Please come closer..

I also would like to know…

Why my legs hurt and feel like they may go

Out from under me….

Any minute…

I can see you know by your grimace…

You seem to know something I do not…

Now please tell me….

My face is hot with…

Worry…

Please…

I can’t feel…

My.. knees…

Let go, your hanging upside down from a tree. The ground is right below you, let go, and it will catch you, you can even touch it, just open your eyes, you have your eyes shut, you are seeing things not there, your eyes are shut, open them, and get down from hanging upside down.

Oh.

Thank you.

I went to the doctor and got the rest of my shots, hep a and b and am still taking my meds for staph infection, I am going to make a psych doctor appointment and get the rest of my health things in order, I have to see a nuerologist, because I have not done that since California. I am feeling so much better since I started living in reality, and not projecting my life into some strange fantasy where I feel so guilty about being a drug addict that I equate it to actually being the one responsible for hurting anyone. I did not realize till recently, how sad and messed up that is, and how it has ruined so many things for me, by my own self sabotage. I think I felt like being some violent social deviant was some how better than saying I was who I was because it made me feel like I had control over my life.

I have control over my life now without having to pretend I was hurting anyone. I was only hurting myself by putting all of that, the weight of all of that on my own shoulders, and making myself out to be some social deviant when I was just a sad addict who couldn’t handle admitting mistakes made because I felt that saying I messed up made me weak. Hurting people would not have made me strong. I am stronger admitting weakness, than living in some sick twisted Misery world where I hurt unsuspecting people who had nothing to do with my inability to accept myself.

I love all you guys who helped me see this. I am so sorry for anything I said out of lack of knowledge about what was really going on with me. I am trying to be better.

Love,

Damien

I am insanely good at stressing my own self out, I have an ability to make myself insane beyond any other ability I have, I just spent like 2 hours obsessing over listing these figurines on this site I am working on for a friend of mine. I finally gave up now. I don’t know why it took that long to admit defeat.

****!

I think it is mostly the desire to really help this lady, she is a personal friend and during active addiction I ignored everyone, and gave the finger to the world. I need to find some sort of middle ground between this and that.. not good at life…. I am getting better I think, at least now I can admit defeat, and am working on the whole humility thing.

Life is hard.

Expletive. Expletive. Expletive.

Sincerely,

Damien

Ew, I view raid

I side view

View is rad

Said is view

Is view ew?

Para dise

Para dice

I identified myself with my name because that is a thing people do right, this is an indication that it will be only me speaking not Amanda. Unless she interjects, but mostly me.

I am starting to understand the same things she is about the whole positive outlet for rage thing. I think I get why my family doesn’t mind me sitting all day on the internet typing. I am trying to find little things I can do every day to improve, so I become less ashamed of my life of failure.

My leg is getting better, which means my friend’s leg is getting better. She is having the same sensations of failure as me, but due to a lack of what I have currently, because while existing with her, I am her future life, because we are all power I feeling I’s in the sky of lies.

I am such a jerk, at least I am being a jerk on here in an outlet sort of way.

I am sorry for the disturbing outbursts.

Damien

I have spent the last 20 minutes looking at my hand to see if I have infection in it because I have an infection in my knee, which probably is not in my hand because my hand is not my knee. I am missing the tip of my thumb, part of my index finger, and the tip of my middle finger from infections from drug use. I am continuously concerned about this because I am worried about losing more of my hands. I do this stupid thing where I stare back and forth at my hand waiting to see if it becomes infected because I am ^&*&%$#% insane and most likely have brain damage from meth use. I have a lot of problems, I know.. it’s embarrassing, so my transforming hand problem has been a forty minute struggle or so…

I need to stop thinking damn it.

Okay done with the damn hand thing. Now. Good.

I am going to move on now. Go.

This time it worked because I am overpowered by nausea.

My existence is hard. done.

I want to take a prescription for hypocondria, meaning a cure for it so I looked it up thinking foolishly that there might be a prescription drug for it because I am a drug addict who is lazy and wants easy solutions. Instead of coming across a drug for it I came across the definition which was a kick in the face.

def.-abnormal anxiety about one’s health, especially with an unwarranted fear that one has a serious disease, (dictionary.com).

How can there be a prescription for something if not even a disease?

There can’t be unless you count, go to a meeting at 12.

Addiction is a series disease. The definition makes no sense then.

You think your leg is going to fall off because you used drugs and got staff. That is what you wanted the prescription for. If you think your leg is going to really fall off go to the hospital.

My insurance is not in effect yet.

So you want a sedative to make it so you don’t have to worry until someone can tell you your leg is fine? Our leg is fine.

It’s my leg right now.

Control freak.

No seriously though, I did. We can do things faster here than you can, because we get more minutes, per hour, don’t ask me how, and no it is not through doing speed. That would be miserable, and it doesn’t work. I tried, that’s what I was doing when I was losing my mind.

The way to do what we do will be explained later. It is too complicated to explain right now and quite frankly I am lazy.

I did some research on my name which I think my writer gave me for a reason.

Damien means to tame or subdue. Oh, bitter and caustic irony. I love you.

de Soto- de is Spanish meaning of and Soto apparently means small grove.

Rei- this can be either Japanese or Hebrew, Rei is not Japanese so I looked up the Hebrew name and it means my shepherd, my companion, my friend, well clearly. 😉

Clearly-

The Japanese word meaning clearly can mean that or crystal blue, funny, right?

Ever seen Breaking Bad?

Heh.

Blue water is nicer.