I am listening, and I have an instant reaction to something you say, and I react and for a second feel okay, I was honest at least, that’s a step right? I am not lying, I am being honest. I am okay with the world and feel like I am doing the right thing.

Then I think about what I said, and the whole world lights on fire, a fire not burning with flame, but with different colors, that I have never seen before, because I have never experienced a world of color before. I have always lived in black and white, never dealing with light of day, with human being, ruler of land of push away. I sit and agonize over things that are tiny and stupid, and then resent myself for doing it, no one does this. No one has to, they are not stupid. I am stupid and think about stupid things.

Then I realize that they know that I do this, and I think I am in some way better than those around me, and that the fact that I do this makes me superior to them, and that if they only knew how specifically hard to be very specifically me it was they would

DRINK USE TOO

I just got this, that this is the process of what I usually do, and that by taking a step back and not hating myself for doing it… helped me. Thank you random stranger in the park that told me this.

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I think what I am trying to say or what I was trying to say in the last post can be best expressed through a straight line connecting these three concepts, and my first reaction to this drawn out this way is time is the answer, but I wanted to know what the rest of you think, if there is something else there, and if I am overthinking or under thinking this….

This is just one those ideas that has always confused me. I am a very strong willed person, and I am always wrong about everything… I know this, and I keep doing the same stupid crap and can’t seem to catch that I am doing it till after I have already done it, I am wondering I guess… if there is anyone who has experienced this, and has a way to slow themselves down before they jump off a proverbial cliff and realize they made a mistake?

I want to make the lives of those around me easier, so I can learn to be better in an easier way, without having the others around me suffer, which is why I am doing any of this at all.. but I was wondering if there is something I don’t know… or if it really is something that just gets easier with time.. I have asked my in person friends as well, and am just interested in a bunch of different responses, because I don’t the answer to this.

Damien