I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
I am reading a book about taking advice that I give other people, the author suggested that I write a letter to you, my younger self. This is odd for me, because when I was you I used to write to me. I am glad you are who you are, because you being who you are has made me, us, who we are.
I need little water, I am very relisiant, painted with colors, to look like I am brilliant.
Thank you for saying that, I always think you think you are better than me.
I am a doll house, I glow in the dark.
I am painted with re-touch, with light bright for those afraid of the light stark.
I never say that, I say that I am glad I am who I am, which I owe to you.
Again, thank you.
You are very welcome, and thank you for growing up, and realizing we are us.
I have OCD, along with the other litany of problems I have already listed here, heh. I got my hair cut, which is awesome because I didn’t have to pay someone in drugs to shave it all off because homeless people can’t cut hair, and I wasn’t so itchy that this would seem like a necessary choice, so yay me for getting my haircut and getting a normal hair cut so I don’t have to shave my head again. That sucked, I think I mentioned the whole mohawk **** thing… but if I didn’t some ***hole shaved my head into a split in half mohawk, and told everyone to look for mohawk ****.
Short sweet, and very fun for mohawk ****. I got a lot of sympathy, and a lot of free items.. and they found out the wrath of mohawk ****. Then mohawk **** needed to leave, because there was a rumor that I had a twin and one of us was a girl and the other was a guy and the only difference was the voice… convenient… till they found out we were both the same person and it was me beating my ass not my twin brother or vice versa… very bad con…
I threw my phone in the river at around the same time because I thought someone tapped it looking for mohawk **** because tricking junkies is a high crime… and people really give a **** about that kind of thing…. or something I thought when I was way too high…
My dad is a really great person, we had a really good time, he was talking to me about his life, making me laugh, and we went to a really good restaurant and I told him I am done with drugs and booze the rest of my life. I also got to make plans with my uncle to see him at Christmas for the first time in ten years, and say I was sorry for being a lying ***hole.
All in all a successful day for mohawk ****, or me with a shorter hair cut that looks nothing like that at all.
I am doing things now other than this blog, that is not some snotty, I have too much time for the *&^! thing, I am not trying to sound like a jerk, even though somehow I always seem to think I do. Thanks universe, or me, because I am the one deciding to say things myself, and have no one to blame, but me.
Oh, word vomit. I hate you.
Seriously though, I found a way to pay for a place to live at least a little bit, or bit save up for a place to live, and I won’t have to live under a bridge committing senseless atrocities. I am helping my friend, who is not me list things online and she is paying me and Amanda is helping me. It is a person from Amanda’s universe, but we both have the same hands, and the internet works in mysterious ways, and extension of disbelief… bear with me poetic metaphor blah blah blah. I have no idea what I am talking about either because a couple weeks ago I was insane. I am still insane, but I am working on it. I am trying not to be such a &*^&.
I am just glad I have a little reason not to hate myself.. or a step in the right direction? It also shows we are beginning to be positive forces in each other’s life.
I think I am going to have one side of me be male, one side of me be female, kind of like two-face, except a super hero not a villain. I think that would solve all the problems I have.
Actually I kind of do too, and then you could lure people who are trying to enslave women to dark corners and be like do you want some sugar? And then clock them in the eye and be like “I only have half and half, that’s my name, *^&%.
Or you could dress up as a cow and paint blood on you reading don’t drink milk. It kills.
I have done this before, I was homeless with no cell phone, no computer, no nothing, other than the clothes on my back and sometimes, naked and unafraid. Nothing about me would change to answer your questions, I am excellent at handling this situation because it has been my situation most of my life. I have even lived off the grid in the desert for a month.
Meh. That sounds really self-important. Answer the damn question..
I would go back to doing everything I do online without the internet, I used to talk to the person I talk to on here, my split personality, outside on the street in public, and write him letters. This is helpful to me and replaces therapy and prescription drugs because I am schizophrenic and none of them have worked for me.
You tried like one.
I tried a couple and they just made me numb, I can do that with other less legal substances and I don’t want to anymore.
The lack of connectivity was always a good thing for me, because it makes me looking for the man, or a metaphor for drug seeking harder. It gave me the mental space to be like
“Do I really want this?”
I would miss the internet, but I would replace that with talking to the other people like me outside, and talking to animals. I used to and still do that, but I used to talk to all varieties of animals, squirrels, birds, lizards etc… and yes they would answer back… with feeling… not shouting voices like the movies.
I am going to be working on what you are talking anyway, without the shut off having to happen. I want to take positive steps towards a more fulfilling life.
Liar, you love the internet.
I do, but mostly to write, which I prefer a typewriter for anyway.
I would open my own stand on the side of the road in this imaginary situation and sell things I made… instead of holding my spare change sign and conning people out of money by lying about why I am holding it. I am trying to do it right this time.
Thank you for this prompt by the way if you are reading this.
This link explains in more detail the meaning of the name Diane, and you can feel free to check it out and draw your own conclusions, I am not sure what I think yet. I don’t the narrator is either. This is written in inspired stream of consciousness if you can’t tell yet. I get information as she does, and vice versa. I wonder if I am writing her story in a universe where she is the main character on my blog.