I made this thinking of you. It is a digitally edited version of a photo I found of a cathedral. I was looking for something to meditate on to try to get closer to you. I feel so much less close to you now that I am living inside. I am struggling really badly with depression since having moved indoors. I don’t know what my purpose is. That is the main problem. I felt like I had a purpose when I was out there, even if my purpose was just staying alive. That was better than nothing.

Please guide my actions so that I can get closer to where you want me to be. I have no idea what I am doing. I used to know what to do next because there weren’t as many options. Now there are more options, and I don’t know what to do. I want to find my purpose in life. Please help me find my purpose in life. Please let me have a purpose in life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I am slowly learning that everyone is not out to get me. I still have residual feelings that they are following the whole Rei situation. That whole thing made me feel like I was worthless and no one would ever even want to talk to me again, let alone befriend me or be my partner. I feel like he was trying to clip my wings, at first to keep me with him and then to keep me away from him.

I am trying to discover who I am now and I really need your help with this one. I am afraid, scared that I am worthless or less than, and that because of this my life will be a life full of pain. I think this comes from not being able to trust you yet. I am struggling a lot with this. I don’t know you enough, or what I feel is enough to be able to trust you. I have been hurt by so many people and had my hopes and dreams shattered and find trusting anything or anyone extremely hard.

There is a part of me that really misses homelessness. I think I have mentioned this to you before. It does not come from a position of ungratefulness. I liked certain things about that lifestyle that I have a hard time feeling now. I miss the comradery of the streets, the feeling that we all had one thing in common, and that we had each other’s backs no matter what. I know I lost that feeling at the end of the whole experience, which lead me to where I sit now, typing to you on a screen.

I really appreciated hearing that my friend got something from hearing my story. That mean the world to me. It really touched me that something positive could come from everything I went through. I sometimes feel like I built a bridge to nowhere. It is not because I don’t appreciate the things I have now, it is more that I feel alone a lot, in a way that I only felt out there at the very end. More than anything I want an antidote to that feeling, and AA is the only thing that comes close to medicating that feeling. Out of all things in my life, I want to find a solution that helps make that feeling occur less frequently, for now AA is the best solution I have got.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I hear your voice echoed in others and hear others who are farther than me in life urging me to get closer to you, saying that it will offer some sort of answer to everything. They say they find answers through you. I hope I can too. I really want to know what to do. I am so tired of feeling like my life is going nowhere and hope that people are not yanking my chain when they suggest that every life is fixable. Please help me fix this. I really want to fix this. Please help me find my purpose.

I must have survived for a reason. I know I did. I remember what it was like to be out there, homeless and addicted to drugs, and logically I don’t want to go back to that, but illogically I sometimes think about it, because I am so bored and feel so alone a lot of the time. I miss the feeling of connection I used to have when I was with him. I don’t miss him, but I miss that feeling, so much.

*Reader, he is the person I refer to as Rei.

I wonder if I will ever have that again… I miss it so much. I miss it more than drugs. I really hope there is a person out there for me, that I haven’t blown the opportunity to find that. I want that more than anything. I want to feel like I fit into this world again. Right now, I feel like I am pacing, and I just want to be walking alongside someone.

Amen

Thank you for today. Please continue to guide my actions, bringing my will in line with yours. Help me to find my place in this world. I am still feeling out of place and without a purpose. I do not want to keep doing nothing every day, please help me find what you would have me do. I just want to do your will. I believe strongly that there is so much more that I am capable of doing.

I have a lot of anxiety about my continued dependance on those around me. I need to find a way to be more self-sufficient. I am trying to remember that all that happens in this world happens in accordance with your will. When I remember this, it is easier to get through the day. I have a hard time with this. I am constantly convincing myself that all is lost, and that I am doomed to be unhappy, and stuck in the situation I am in right now forever. I am not happy right now and want desperately to find where I belong.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Thank you for my dad. I don’t know if I would be able to make it through this period of time it wasn’t for him, or at least not comfortably make it through. He has been one of the most supportive people in my life during my recovery. I remember I used to count on my mom more for things, but they were all negative. Her lack of attention to what and how I am doing was an asset when all I wanted to do were bad things. I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t want to be around someone who will support or justify drug or alcohol use, and there is a sort of freedom in that, to not be chained to a substance that makes me desire toxicity.

I want to become more confident. I such low self-esteem from all the years of verbal abuse I put myself through with my horrible choices in relationships. I used to make connections with people only in a transactional way, my dealers were my friends, my using buddies were my friends, people I panhandled were my friends.

I am trying to find things to hope for now, goals to have that will begin to give some sort of purpose to my life. I desperately want to find where I fit into this world. I want to have some reason to get up in the morning that is not selfish, something that brings meaning to this world, even if it is in some small way. That is what I think I got back to writing on here, if one person can gain even one speck of knowledge from the experiences I describe on here, my life will have a little bit more meaning.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Thank you for today. Thank you for helping me to realize I am not as alone as I thought I was. I forget sometimes that I am not the only one who has gone through what I am going through. I become overfocused on blaming myself for what I have done wrong, with eyes looking backward, so much so that I forget to look forward and realize that I am not where I used to be and am doing better than I think I am.

I just feel alone and stuck right now, please help me with this. It is one of my main struggles at the moment. It helped to hear everyone sharing in the meeting about the same struggles, it made me feel less alone. I forget that other people have gone through the same things.

I need to focus less on the negative and more on the positive. I really need your help with my OCD. I am really struggling with feelings of extreme paranoia right now. The reaction of my mom to things always really baffles me. I was totally shocked at her reaction to something I shared about the meeting I went to earlier, she completely jumped on the most negative part of the story. I forget sometimes that she is looking for reasons to not attend the same meetings, that she will take anything positive and twist it to negative.

Please help me become less paranoid and come to know your path for me. I need to find where I belong in this world. I am feeling kind of directionless and alone. I need to find where I fit. I feel like I am getting close, but I am not there yet, please give me the strength to keep going.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I am really hoping this paranoia thing gets better. I am just having a hard time. I worry about everything and feel inadequate and like a failure a lot of the time right now. Please help me with this. I know it is probably just PTSD and my brain making relaxing hard because it is not good at relaxing. It is just so hard. I need to find ways to calm down. I have this paranoia that everyone is going to do something to make me miserable that sets in sometimes and it is very overwhelming and hard to deal with.

I think this will get better. It has to, it can’t continue like this forever. I just am having a hard time dealing with it right now. It is hard re-learning how to feel.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I just need to keep telling myself it will be okay eventually, that I will feel okay eventually, that this is not the way my brain is going to be forever. I am doing all the work to get better and have been getting better. I just need to trust the process. There are people who I know who have gotten through this.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I am doing better today. I still have all the same paranoia. I am afraid a lot of the time and have very bad OCD, but it is getting a little bit easier to use the pause button and wait for the bad feelings to pass. I have been having productive conversations with my family about how to move forward, and am starting to see how much they want to try and help me, which is contrary to what I previously thought, that they were out to get me and wanted me to do things they knew were contrary to my own happiness.

I am trying to find you every day in little moments, when I hear something I had been asking you, or when things line up perfectly, but it is really hard to not come right back to the same feelings of doubt that I am so susceptible to feeling. I have a hard time trusting you with things I have no control over, because I am so used to things going wrong. I guess that is my fault, because I have been acting according to my own will my whole life, but it is hard to ‘let go and let God’ for me. I have so much overpowering doubt, that it is hard to trust anything outside of my own hands, which makes right now inherently frustrating for me, because everything is out of my hands right now.

I know things could be much worse. I thank you for how much better they are than that, but I just feel I am capable of so much more than I am doing right now. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Tonight helped a lot but I am still feeling a lot of fear on a daily basis. I am afraid of many things, but mostly of being stuck in this phase that I am in forever, of being trapped in a state of perpetual transition, waiting while watching my life go by me. I am afraid I will have to compromise all my hopes and dreams, that everything in my life will be less than, that I will be less than because of everything I did in a previous stage in my life. To speak plainly, I am afraid that my past drug use will define me forever, and that I will never have anything like independence or freedom ever again.

I miss being happy. I miss feeling promise, feeling like my life meant something. I haven’t felt that since I was in graduate school. I know other people have gone through this. I know I am not the only one, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I desperately want there to be a plan for me. I mean I want to know your plan for me, please guide my actions, help me get through this to do your will. I want to do whatever you would have me do. I am tired of guessing at what the right action is.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I am still battling very serious anxiety. I am anxious about everything about my life, and wondering constantly where I will end up. I am not satisfied with life now at all. The only thing that is getting me through all of it are the meetings. They let me know that others have gone through the same thing. I feel so bad on a daily basis for everything about how I am right now, the level of dependance I have on others for their help makes me extremely uncomfortable.

It helps to tell myself this isn’t forever, that it will pass and eventually I will be more okay than I am. I wish I was more okay right now. I am very impatient. I keep getting stuck on the idea that it will always be this way, that I will be stuck living with my parents and broke my whole life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I obviously love doing this to myself? Can’t you see? It is so comfortable and has nothing to do with how anyone else treats me, because you know I am not a real human being with feelings, just a headless chicken waiting for surgery… or insertion of ideas into my head… same thing…

I need to live alone, the results of this oscillation are dizzying. I am not, nor have I ever been good at the whole living with people thing, it goes well at first and then they realize what I am like and try to HELP, or cure parnoid schizophrenia through polite suggestion of normal adaption strategies and ways to fit in.

I am sorry, I hallucinate, and am never sure how much of my reality is real. I do things that upset and scare people like

singing to myself

talking about innappropriate things because I do not know the difference between appropriate and inapproriate

not knowing the difference between emotional honesty and aggression

talking all the time, under my breath to myself, at myself, with myself

So now I because I live hear, and people couldn’t leave me alone, I get to feel uncomfortable for asking to be left alone, and not being left alone, and snapping.

I am accountable yes, it is my fault for snapping yes, but I just wish I knew when I was going to figure out a way out of this situation so I could do what is best for everyone and get out of here.

saying whatever comes into my head instantly because I no longer have an inner monologue

I need to get out of here, and to a place, by myself, before I lose my mind permanently.

So I am allowed…

I fucking found Rei, or she found me. Or, what really happened was. I don’t know. I don’t know…

I woke up in this motel bed, sleeping next to Rei and she is alive, and my daughter is still in the next room alive.

There are two living people in this motel room, three including me.

Rei is in my bed, not fucking dead, and my daughter is on the couch.

I am going to shoot myself, not really. This is the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me in my whole life. I love this new weird typing lunatic.

Well, right now that is me or is it her or is it me?

I keep looking at my family and they are still here, and I can feel if I concentrate…

My universe being typed onto my existence. I think I am going to… lay down.