What was that?

I can hit below the belt too, that is what that was.

I guess so, thank you.

You’re welcome.

Okay, I guess that is all I have to say.

I am fine.

You don’t sound find, you silly ****er.

I know I don’t because I am not. I am really lonely and depressed.

Me too, but you sounded worse than me.

I want us to move on, get over having been a ****y addict and find friends and a girlfriend.

Agreed.

Advertisement

The Rise of Bottom Feeders

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

Looking down at me, I am strong enough to do this, I am strong enough to do this.

I said no, I never say no, and I said no, also said don’t ever offer them to me again because I will always abuse them.

I cut me off.

---

I am epic as ****, I refused pain killers for oral surgery, it’s just as well.

Going to get through this, but it hell, without some heroin pain spell or magic pill.

Never again, never again, I will get there and then my friend

Never again, will I do this to you or me, and I will help you don’t you see

Never Ever, ever, again.

Goodbye to again, again

Just thinking about

Time killer

Time Killer

Time Killer

Eye poking mindbleeder

I hating resign speaker.

---

I wrote a book once, placed it in the trash, it was a love story between me and

DRUGS, not Rei or his name, but a love story written to

things that don’t think by one whose thinking stunk, whose soul was sunk into a murky swamp of inner pain, and soul disdain, and worshiping idolic things at upper shelf.

---

Out of this World

I am extremely happy that they are doing okay, which is partially because I have stopped being such an ***hole.

I hadn’t realized how much my ridiculous narcissistic behavior affected my family until recently, because I didn’t think of anyone, but myself. I am trying now to also think of them, because as much as I like to think I live in a vaccuum, people care about each other, and even though I used to not care about anyone, but me… it is only fair that I start to care about them, because they care about me.

My brother taught me this, kind of… some of it came from each of them. My mother, my father, and my brother. I have a sister as well, and have since being back in this house made peace with her, but she lives far away, so I have not seen her to make ammends with her.

I am not supposed to be doing any of this yet, but I am good at jumping off cliffs, so I feel like at least it should be for a good reason.

Damien

Shell Fish, Selfish, Shelf Ish.

I am a crab, because I have a shell that is thin but feels hard. I am a crab because I pinch you when you come near me, so you don’t step on me, because I am so pokey. Hahahah. I am heroic.

I am a jerk because I make too many jokes about sowing seeds of

CHAOS.

In a dark world, a human being discusses with friends the effects of fear on the human soul, or u los minus one s for something… sickness… maybe… I am

CRAZY.

La de de de da da da.

Welcome to disorder, we love you.

I love everybody.

I am dissing my own order, what did I order, french fries, an hour ago, I ordered myself to make them, but I don’t make food for myself because I hate me.

INSANITY…..ahahahhahahhahahhahahhahhahaahhahahhhahahhahhahahhahhahahhahahhahhahhahahhhahahhhahahah.

Done now, moving on,

That was fun.

That is called disjointed speech. If I do it on here, it ends faster.

I don’t get other people sometimes, the lack of understanding of those who are usually understanding astounds me, whenever it happens. I was helping Diane with something, and I am afraid of spider, so I reacted like I am afriad of spiders, and apparently it is a problem if I am afraid of spiders outside. Not my problem. Moving on.

It looks like it is going to rain in the area I live. I like the rain, when I am living inside. I am looking forward to being on my own.

I miss not having people accost me for what I am doing when my reaction is not the same as theirs.

Oh, well.

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/133608213/posts/4603492157

du·bi·ous
adjective
1.
hesitating or doubting.
“Alex looked dubious, but complied”

Similar:
doubtful, uncertain, unsure, in doubt, hesitant, undecided, unsettled, unconfirmed, undetermined, indefinite, unresolved, up in the air, wavering, vacillating, irresolute, in a quandary, in a dilemma, on the horns of a dilemma, skeptical, suspicious, iffy

Dictionary.com

I am up to the dubious task of trying to do life on live’s terms, although I am doubtful I will succeed, uncertain that the methods employed by others, will work for me, because this whole life on life’s terms thing…. is ****ing hard, and how can a bunch of people who seem as unsure about everything as me, living in doubt and hesitant to do anything without first consuming a mind altering substance…. How can I remain undecided and unsettled by something that is not unconfirmed… It is not undetermined, it has history and its outcomes are definite not indefinite… I have seen it work for other people, why couldn’t it work for me?

Although, I feel unresolved….or up in the air, wavering back and forth…. back and forth… vacillating from I am an alcoholic… to maybe… I could just have one…irresolute in my resolve to absolve from the consumption of this toxic solvent, that solves nothing… but…

I can not live my whole life in quandary, I am in a dilemma, that I have been in my whole life, my tempter the vicious disease of addiction puts me on the horns of a dilemma, pitted against the metaphorical demon of addiction…

Although I may remain skeptical, suspicious and iffy of the outcome, I decide to not drink just for today.

I went to the doctor and got the rest of my shots, hep a and b and am still taking my meds for staph infection, I am going to make a psych doctor appointment and get the rest of my health things in order, I have to see a nuerologist, because I have not done that since California. I am feeling so much better since I started living in reality, and not projecting my life into some strange fantasy where I feel so guilty about being a drug addict that I equate it to actually being the one responsible for hurting anyone. I did not realize till recently, how sad and messed up that is, and how it has ruined so many things for me, by my own self sabotage. I think I felt like being some violent social deviant was some how better than saying I was who I was because it made me feel like I had control over my life.

I have control over my life now without having to pretend I was hurting anyone. I was only hurting myself by putting all of that, the weight of all of that on my own shoulders, and making myself out to be some social deviant when I was just a sad addict who couldn’t handle admitting mistakes made because I felt that saying I messed up made me weak. Hurting people would not have made me strong. I am stronger admitting weakness, than living in some sick twisted Misery world where I hurt unsuspecting people who had nothing to do with my inability to accept myself.

I love all you guys who helped me see this. I am so sorry for anything I said out of lack of knowledge about what was really going on with me. I am trying to be better.

Love,

Damien

Not going to lie here, that at first was slightly terrifying, because I am a wuss, and I am just glad I jumped instead of punching people like I used to. I have told them not to touch me, while I am sleeping, which is the exact kind of thing you scream when you are a mean control freak narcissist who is not used to love. I am just glad I didn’t hurt them, I love them so much, and enough people have already suffered for loving me.

Amanda has nice cats, she is learning to love people as well, slower, because I am a frantic fast moving time traveler. Ew.. gross…

Shutting up.

The idiot

Damien

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
None, I love talking about myself, I am a narcissist.

Amanda

Yes, I just simply don’t care.

Do you know how that sounds?

Yes, I just simply don’t care.

Why?

I don’t know. I just don’t.

Can you try?

No? It doesn’t work. Don’t you think I would have tried by now, I am doing the best I can here.

I think of insane **** and writing it down into a story helps me, because I am a fictionalized character of a girl with a mental illness who rights of an invisible man who does the horrible fly by the seat of your pants **** of nightmares so she can, sorry they? They right, baby?

Yes.

He rights this down so I don’t have nightmares and hate myself. I have no control over my thoughts sometimes. I can control behavior, but racing thoughts…. haven’t figured out that one yet, and that is what this is. I don’t focus on editing when I type this so I can document to myself and my viewer mental change through recovery.

I think its just side effects from years of drinking and doing drugs, so it will pass. I have never made it past day 61 when trying to say sober and clean. I am on day 69. That’s insane, and what is even more insane… is that I wasn’t thinking about it every day.. I am so happy. I made it past 61 and didn’t instantly think I was cured and run out to ruin my life. I still don’t want to ruin it now. I am astounded by the fact that I can leave the room, and my wife trusts me. She doesn’t follow me around, she knows that she will be able to find me out here, because she can predict my behavior now, and I can predict hers. I used to get annoyed by that, he wanting to be in my @#$% but now that my life is just this, I don’t care if she knows about every aspect of it.

I like having nothing to hide. I was so exhausted by the constancy of

Do they know?

Now that there is nothing for them to know, I feel so much better, and am having less schizophrenia symptoms. I will take feeling like shit, and lower energy for a little bit. I think I might have just ended up dying if I continued on like before.

Later.

Damien

What do I do?

Huh?

I wake you up? Sorry.

It’s okay. What do you do about what?

I don’t know what to do about my family. What do you think I should do?

Nothing.

You think I should do nothing? That makes no sense. I can’t do nothing. I am always by nature of being a person who exists doing something.

Everything is not always about you. I am not saying you are being selfish. I am sometimes people are reacting because of something about them. Things can’ always go pleasantly when you are honest. Just be honest and do your best. No more facades, they are the path to resentment.

Thank you, Damien.

You’re welcome. Glad you are listening now.

I am feeling a lot better, I slept for a little while, and feel less like a manic panicked lunatic now. Thank you to those who have helped me on this site, by distracting me from my own internal chaos. I want you guys to know you are saving my life. I do not know if I told anyone this yet, this site was originally, a psycho crying out to a cruel world, where I was using poetic metaphor to depict a soul responsible, for the deaths of those lost in the drug epidemic, and I didn’t even realize I was real at that point. I thought of my life as some weird chaotic movie, steeped in chaotic schizophrenia. This site has really brought about a writing or re-writing of a life lost, bringing me through un-reality into reality, as a completely new person. I am so thankful for this, and for the lack of chaotic screaming that exists in my own head now, I am free in a way that I have never experienced before, and I really have to say with everything I have that I owe this site my life.

The response to what I wrote, the level of care in each and every one of you that interacted with me on here, you saved my life, every day, re-writing a story of psychotic metaphor, into a story where I could be my real self for the first time in my life. Thank you so much, I owe you my life, truly and sincerely.

This site has made me able to appreciate other human beings again, so I don’t use it…most of the time anymore, to fantasize about killing people in an ode to American psycho, the transformation of me on this site, has been very much real, meaning this is my real voice as both Amanda and Damien. I love how you guys have made me okay enough with myself to figure that out, because I was really struggling and didn’t know it. I just thought I was writing a horror story, which was really the ‘oh, the horror’ Lovecraft suicide note I wanted to leave on the internet because I am a narcassist. I don’t even care that I still can’t spell that.

Anyway, I am uncomfortable with this now so I am done.

Damien

I am doing things now other than this blog, that is not some snotty, I have too much time for the *&^! thing, I am not trying to sound like a jerk, even though somehow I always seem to think I do. Thanks universe, or me, because I am the one deciding to say things myself, and have no one to blame, but me.

Oh, word vomit. I hate you.

Seriously though, I found a way to pay for a place to live at least a little bit, or bit save up for a place to live, and I won’t have to live under a bridge committing senseless atrocities. I am helping my friend, who is not me list things online and she is paying me and Amanda is helping me. It is a person from Amanda’s universe, but we both have the same hands, and the internet works in mysterious ways, and extension of disbelief… bear with me poetic metaphor blah blah blah. I have no idea what I am talking about either because a couple weeks ago I was insane. I am still insane, but I am working on it. I am trying not to be such a &*^&.

I am just glad I have a little reason not to hate myself.. or a step in the right direction? It also shows we are beginning to be positive forces in each other’s life.

Don’t admit defeat in the feet of the street, moron.

I kind of heard that in my head just now I think, but I don’t want to admit that because I am not sure if I am being arrogant, and I am really trying here. I want to be something other than the ranting lunatic that sees nothing but darkness illuminated by little bits of light in the form of the white letters on this screen.

I imagine that these letters represent a chaotic clawing out of the damnation that is my current situation so I can be the helper of my friend who is also me.

I feel like we may have been lost in hell? In an internal hell, of the rage, pride, lust, envy, greed, wrath, and sloth which I always forget because I am vain and sloth makes me think I am lazy……..

I think for the very least my daughter likes me, but I am troubled by that as well because that means she likes and identifies with someone who was involved in really dark things, and it makes me wonder if she is just going to do the same things I did…

If I hadn’t done those things I wouldn’t have exactly her though…. and I like her, so screw it. I am just very confused.

I will stop whining now, and cease embarrassing myself, at least I can log of here and run away if I want to, which explains why I am not doing it because the glitter of escape is only an escape if I don’t look at it.

I suck at committing to anything other than committing senseless atrocities, it was so much easier, but I am going to for once in my life do the right thing, and be a better person because for once my pride is working in my favor. I am too prideful to admit defeat. But wait… is that love or pride.

I think I just got it, if I forgive myself I will not resent myself and keep repeating the same chaotic cycle, and maybe she can learn from my mistakes.

It was for doing drugs not for looking at myself.

That’s better or worse?

I think it would be better if it was for drugs, than for looking at myself.

Why?

Because I don’t like how it looks if I say it is for looking at myself, and I don’t care how it looks if it is for drugs because I don’t do them anymore and then the whole post makes it sound like I am doing awesome and not thinking about how I broke something by sitting on it.

Ridiculous.

But, it’s funny, which is why I said it.

Everything you say is funny.

Murdering women is funny?

Sit on it.

I did.

Now you can’t your mirror to see clearly.

I never did. I used it to do drugs, that blurred my vision.

And to see if there were people behind you.

That was you.

You don’t have two reflections.

Yes, I do.