I made this sarcastically for you, and for whoever likes sarcasm.

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I am not going to lie, being close to half a year not touching drugs or alcohol is amazing to me, and makes me feel like this.

Having a cow

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Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is big, and makes me small? I speak of course to alcohol, and drugs that make me think I am tall, while I am really not myself at all, just a small, shrinking liar, with a soul that is on fire.

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One hundred eighty two days in half a year, so in a month in five days I have been clean and sober for half a year, and managed to switch to nicotine vaping, instead of smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. I also no longer gamble or panhandle, and have been going to meetings, and have been helping my family instead of making them worry. This is the first year in my entire life, I have followed through on any new years resolution.

If nothing else today, mental high five for that one.

Damien & Amanda

Look at me, look at me, exercizing self-control, silly addict able to keep myself from plunging into dark vacant hole. I have done pretty good at keeping things out of my mouth or my veins, but really done nothing, other than simply abstain, and really done nothing except sit in a chair, and listen to people who have been here and there.

It is getting easier, I really must tell you, I am learning to love

I am a mix tape, I play over and over, and roll over

Everything else, so very much, that was obnoxious I hate everything I say, and wish I had someone else, so badly, but not, need to maintain distance, because love makes me rot, my brain, my brain, I am still insane, and so very vain, and obsessed with myself, I need to stop this, I am getting on my last

NERVE

NERVE

NERVE

Switch Off.

End Transmission.

You are not about Rei, you are about

Please can I stay for a little while longer, I don’t want to do this right now… I am not ready for this right now, I have never done this alone.

Everytime you did this you did it alone, idiot.

Everytime you do anything you are by nature doing this by yourself.

Please, let me be alright.

I am painted with disdain

I am scorched by fire

I am burned with acid reign

I can’t spell words correctly…

I am double meaning, always seeming, clearly gleaning lack of confidence decently descending always condescending attack of sole of shoe that is

YOU

YOU

YOU

You will be as alright as it is in the cards to be, the cards are not your cards…

BORROWED TIME

Do you like dimes? You’re reality and everything you believe is mine. mine. mine. mine.

Dove wings

Dove wings

Dove wings

Dove wings

Dove wings

Dove wings

Dove wings

You made a deal with me…

You made a deal in exchange for your own life.

That is insanity, I did no such thing.

Deals with the devil

That is just lived backwards.

I am not lived backwards

Forewords

Four words

Leave me alone, please.

You will not survive this time.

Not four words, you lose.

I am borrowed time, I am my life is not mine, I am sing songy bull****.

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

Looking down at me, I am strong enough to do this, I am strong enough to do this.

I said no, I never say no, and I said no, also said don’t ever offer them to me again because I will always abuse them.

I cut me off.

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I am epic as ****, I refused pain killers for oral surgery, it’s just as well.

Going to get through this, but it hell, without some heroin pain spell or magic pill.

Never again, never again, I will get there and then my friend

Never again, will I do this to you or me, and I will help you don’t you see

Never Ever, ever, again.

Goodbye to again, again

Just thinking about

Time killer

Time Killer

Time Killer

Eye poking mindbleeder

I hating resign speaker.

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I wrote a book once, placed it in the trash, it was a love story between me and

DRUGS, not Rei or his name, but a love story written to

things that don’t think by one whose thinking stunk, whose soul was sunk into a murky swamp of inner pain, and soul disdain, and worshiping idolic things at upper shelf.

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Sobriety Calculator

https://www.recoveryconnection.com/recovery-tools/sobriety-calculator/

I am putting this in here so I remember where to find this.

Dude, no way. In 3 days, I will have 90 days, I never get past 61. NO ****ing way. I can’t believe that ****. I can’t believe that my reaction is a mental high five, and writing this on here, and not running for the door and ruining it. ****, I am going to make it to 90 days. I am actually able to do this. I can’t believe this. I actually want this, which means I am not full of ****, which means I am not as much of **** as I thought.

This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together.

I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.

I am so ****ing proud of myself right now, I have never made it this long, and I feel good about this, I am not such a bad person after all.

Explanation: Shocking, I am trusted to not have to leave, if there is no one here to watch me…

Now this…

Pond, not Stream of Chaos

I am a duck, apparently, because unknowingly

I have been teaching myself to be less

BANG EXPLODE

Like that, so now I can be alone, and not have people

Worry about me, which is

EXCELLENT

Because it also makes me trust me

_______________________________________________________________

I used to be constantly floating from place to place,

In a race with the human race to consume my tomb in the form of drugs and doom and alcohol which I would viciously consume, in doomed ferocious style, in front of all I know

sowing shame and guilt while also showing pain and guilt through vicious attack on self but also on others eyes, making people cry without knowing why because I am selfish. I am becoming not

I think… I guess.. don’t know…

_________________________________________________

I am a duck in a pond, that is just okay enough with me for now, to not drown

I am not going down

Because I don’t want to

Un-spun I am no longer undone.

I am glad to be trusted, un-dusted, still rusted, but dusting off.

I don’t care what she says. I don’t care what she tries to do, she can try to come at me through the court or whatever, I will go to jail. I am not letting that piece of trash pollute the mind of my daughter, I don’t care what she says, she is not fit to be around my daughter, and did not want to be present in her life until she knew it would hurt my relationship with my wife. I have no hard feelings, but I just want to protect my kid from someone who would do anything in their power to hurt me, even if it meant hurting her own child. I am going to talk to Rei about it tonight, admit the whole thing and if she is not with me on it, fine. I am not letting Deb near my kid. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I don’t care if anyone disagrees. This is the right thing to do, because I know in my heart she is crazy enough right now to do something that endangers the welfare of my child, and that will not ever happen again, not be me or anyone else.

Damien.

Not going to lie here, that at first was slightly terrifying, because I am a wuss, and I am just glad I jumped instead of punching people like I used to. I have told them not to touch me, while I am sleeping, which is the exact kind of thing you scream when you are a mean control freak narcissist who is not used to love. I am just glad I didn’t hurt them, I love them so much, and enough people have already suffered for loving me.

Amanda has nice cats, she is learning to love people as well, slower, because I am a frantic fast moving time traveler. Ew.. gross…

Shutting up.

The idiot

Damien

I am doing things now other than this blog, that is not some snotty, I have too much time for the *&^! thing, I am not trying to sound like a jerk, even though somehow I always seem to think I do. Thanks universe, or me, because I am the one deciding to say things myself, and have no one to blame, but me.

Oh, word vomit. I hate you.

Seriously though, I found a way to pay for a place to live at least a little bit, or bit save up for a place to live, and I won’t have to live under a bridge committing senseless atrocities. I am helping my friend, who is not me list things online and she is paying me and Amanda is helping me. It is a person from Amanda’s universe, but we both have the same hands, and the internet works in mysterious ways, and extension of disbelief… bear with me poetic metaphor blah blah blah. I have no idea what I am talking about either because a couple weeks ago I was insane. I am still insane, but I am working on it. I am trying not to be such a &*^&.

I am just glad I have a little reason not to hate myself.. or a step in the right direction? It also shows we are beginning to be positive forces in each other’s life.