I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
I am the realization
Real in me, real eyes, seeing as a real I, that despise is not wise.
Real I, meaning real me, who is who I am, which is not who I was before, who is the fusion of two, two beings seperate and different, which is the fusion of two seperate and equal people, who are chased by the same things, for me resentment and for her the very real person who has a different name than on this site
Rei Clearly, clearly a name given as a place holder, a space holder for the idea of transition, out of a place of superstition to a place of real i zation, or real I sensation through me, with name see clearly, because it should have been so clear to me, that I am me.
You are silent when I listen, you caw when I do not, I am listening to you my friend, outside my window where you are, though I cannot see you.
Talking to you is better than talking to them, them is a word re-arranged. Them is a word re-arranged.
I did not stain the rug, I did not I swear, I put it down, before the paint was dropped.
I am very careful don’t you see? How could you place the blame on me? I did not stain the rug, and it can be seen in this picture of a rug, that is a different rug, but looks like the rug I did not stain.
Someone with a name I will not mention stained the rug, and it was not me.
Along time ago in a place far away, I cleaned motel rooms and
Om. Sounds like meditation..
I should have cleaned the rooms in a calm manner.
Yeah, maybe then you wouldn’t have lost your job.
I lost my job because I came to work high ever day.
Did that cause you to behave calmly?
Does anyone behave calmly on drugs?
My point exactly.
I am you.
I know them is a word re-arranged, and it is word, that made me realize that it is no longer a good idea for stay up for two weeks at time.
What about them?
Who a word re-arranged?
The people? Which people? Everyone?
I am sorry to the every ones.
There are not multiple every ones.
I thought it sounded cool.
You sound like a tool.
I am a tool.
I mean you are being used, like everyone is being used at times, by the hands of the universe to help other people.
I know, but everyone is used this way.
Tool is loot backwards.
You are such a jerk.
I have parents, who love me, who I abandoned to go across the country doing drugs with my ex who then tried to do things to me that are unspeakable, and are being told in allegory because, **** he tried to do things that are so **** that I dare not reveal that much about him. I have never hurt anyone just myself and speak of murder and crime as a literally and therapy tool used in allegorical repressed rage, because I hate the situation on the streets of this country and wish I had done something instead of being out there getting high with people who died, or hurt people. I have never killed anyone, hurt anyone, other than myself. I just have repressed rage at me so I made myself out to be a recovering monster, because I am, but not a violent one, not to any one else, just my own soul.
This is the reason for my anonymity.
I do not want to cause danger anymore to my family who are not Damien’s but a very normal one, who did not deserve a drug addict/alcoholic who should just have admitted they were non-binary Damien/Amanda/gender queer/schizophrenic drug addict/alcoholic the whole time, then maybe I could have a last name on this site.
I am so in love with you, backwards, forwards, and presently and I always was and always will be, you are my light in a world of darkness.
Your soul radiates warm and energy that glows with forward motion, with perpetual movement, you are a stirring of atoms, a restorer of dead matter, a caster of light in a world of darkness. You are my lantern, in the dark woods, a path when I am lost, a shelter from the inner storm of a cascading reign of a raining mind.
I am insane over you about you, for you and more sane because of you.
I can stand again, because you gave legs to a coward who used to run by severing the legs of my enemies, because I was weak and needed to do that because of insecurities in me, that made me afraid of everything, especially you.
You made me realize I have a mouth, I have a choice how to use it, and my words returned to a hole that was full of decay, and silent screaming undifferentiated between in my head and in reality.
Most importantly, you gave life to our daughter, the joy of my life, and one of the reasons I am still living, if nothing else I met you, and gave life to her, who I marvel at the strength of every day.
I love you so much.
I am so sorry, but I will be better, I will try to anyway.
I am at ease with the breeze because it speaks through the trees, does not creak, does not shake, does not a bad dream make, no it tells no more lies, because now I have eyes, so I no longer have to die, instead I can cry like a wimp and a wuss because that’s okay I am five, just barely became alive not time to judge because I almost nearly died, so please be easy with me I am still not at ease because you see I don’t know what it is like to have eyes I was blind my whole life and now have just been given sight and site so I don’t
Which reminds me of the scene in Home Alone when the kid is screaming at the guy, that he is not afraid anymore. I really am happy about this. I am also happy that she can look me in the eyes and I didn’t realize she couldn’t until she actually did it. I think it may have killed me if I had realized she couldn’t look me in the eye while she couldn’t look me in the eyes.
I just realized I have two eyes.
Her mother seems like she likes me more now, which is cool. I can tell because she sleeps next to me now, and notices if I am not there, and on rare occasions… yes I can’t spell that word either, because things don’t occur to me I think… I used to just make things up.
Anyway, on rare occasions Rei has slept next to me out here, which makes me feel bad, because I should just go to bed, so she doesn’t have to do that. I just don’t sleep as much as normal people because I am insane?
Is that it?
This helps me.
I think that’s it. I am really happy, for the first time in my life. I am really really happy, and I am starting to realize that is strength not weakness, that the life I have which is very real to me, and real for Amanda in that it is her hopes and dreams.
Rei told me she loved me the other day, which we don’t usually say to each other unless we are fighting, and it made me cry in front of her, which was horrible… sort of, but she hugged me and it felt like she was pulling me out of an internal fire that I have been running from my whole life.
I finally don’t feel like I am running anymore, and I don’t think my friend is going to destroy my life or that I am going to destroy hers. I think I might be able to be happy because I am seeing clearly.
I hate my disgust at mental progress. I was just thinking about %^$**&^ drugs because all this really scares me.
I don’t want to lose what I have because this time, I can’t blame anyone but me. I can’t be a negative voice anymore, and that scares me to the depths of my being.