Snake eyes, baby

Roll the die, I will bet we get a better roll, we the one with two souls, make it good, make it quick, maybe this time, the idea will stick, that we are one, but we are two, and we get one roll, not four or two.

Burn me

I am standing blaming you, blaming them, blaming something higher, blaming something below me on fire, blaming circumstance, blaming the wind, maybe one day I will begin to win, but not today, snake eyes now, maybe I should just stop staring down, get my **** eyes off the ground.

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The bridge over Hell, is frequented by many who live to tell, they come often, and stare down, and do not smile, and do not frown, the simply stare at the ground, and make sure always to keep eyes to ground, never looking up nor to the side, but deep inside their own souls, because inside burn holes, which hurt and ache, and are the reason they stare down, and do not smile, and not frown, but only meditate on death, and think about the lives they left, and it is Hell that preformed the theft.

I am frequented by all those lost, who ignore the idea of cost, for the sensation of toss, of hurling, and of whirling down, and love the sensation of pound and down.

I am sought by those who pretend and defend the act of loss of soul and act of bend and defend.

Look not at me, but at yourself, I am just defense of myself.

Luminance

Did you lose your focus, baby?

Sadness Has a Way Out

Yes, I did because I am ****ing insane.

I am your brain on… resentment, just like drugs, but not very ****ing fun, but, oh so entertaining aren’t I?

No, you are just a lunatic talking to yourself.

You are so very negative.

You are the one talking to yourself, ***hole.

I love having your voice in my head.

It is my head.

No, it is our head.

No, it is Amanda’s and my head. You are a visitor, who they say is unwelcome, you just come to talk to me, because we are such good friends, and since we don’t want drugs anymore, you are no longer useful resentment.

Ouch.

I am getting good at this, baby. You can leave now.

I brought you a flower, it is nothing.

It is picked from the middle of nowhere, or from nothing.

I mean I can’t remember who you are and was walking, and you are looking at me like you know me, and began talking, and I am holding this, so it must be for you right, and I am sorry, because I no longer have any idea who you are, and this will likely only last a couple minutes, something must have happened that bothered me, and I blanked it out, and now I don’t remember, so here is a flower.

She must have hurt your feelings, this is exactly what happens when people make you cry.

I know this, but I don’t remember why, so it is okay for now. I am just going to forget about it for now.

You should find out why.

I’m lonely, and dealt with a lot of dark memories today, so I am writing dark fiction all day, because **** my life.

I appreciated you going to the meeting with me this time.

That’s a first.

I know, memory is not that bad of a thing.

Says the inner child, that forces half its personality to be an adult, and also the villian of their own story, which is really just the horrors of living on the street as an addict.

I’m sorry, okay?

Thank you.

Are you sorry for anything?

Everything.

That’s very specific…

Isn’t it?

What do you mean?

That was sarcastic and not a question.

I am unnoticed

Hot air balloon that flies over HELL, below are those who do not even notice, beyond anything that spells their pain and suffering, they cannot see, they are slaves to their sweet misery, they live in resentment, and cannot look up, this is the state in which they are stuck.

In the muck and the mire, they worship fire, which belongs so sweetly, to their own pain, their lack of restraint, so when something flies over, that can save them from themselves, they are not watchful, looking only

AHEAD AND

DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

SYMMETRICAL

My soul burns for you baby, you make me so ****ing happy.

I love you, any of you, anyone at all

I like pain, I like pain, I like pain.

It is always on my……..

Have from flowers, from Hell.

So sorry, that is just where I dwell, sometimes, not all the time, really, I am fine, just thinking about you sometimes, not all the time.

You are on my

BRAIN BRAIN BRAIN

In meditative state I reflect on the rain, and think of drowing, a duck with my head up, not breathing, just sucking in the water, and choking on it.

Burn me sweetie, make it hot, burn it so it cures my soul rot. Make it seering, make it jarring, make it burning, make it scarring.

She wore my coat, and I left it with her, because she smelled like lavender, and I wanted to forget her.

You reminded me of the rays of the sun, and that reminded me of someone I would rather

FORGET

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

I am so sorry, wedded to disdain, been with her such a long time, grown so used to being bound to decline, it is always on my mind.

She talks so sweetly sometimes, really, voice sounding so simular, to my ex Rei Clearly,

She tells me she loves me, and sometimes I believe the lie, it is so hard, she is a good spy, has such a good hand, good at act of torture, she is a word sorcerer.

I am faceless, I am formless, I am forlorn, I am reality scorned, by hating my face, my human forn, I am tearing, wearing, blarring, self-hatred, eating at my own skin, I am resent, everything I am, the skin I am in.

I am screaming chaotic soul tearing of the form I am wearing, and forced to be in. I am loving something higher, but hating me, I am resentment meant specifically at me, I am why won’t she let me be.

You are pathetic, you are weak, you all that….

SHUT THE **** UP. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the one who feels like you are divorced from your own human form???! Do you really? Do you think I am the lucky one? Do you really? I don’t think you do, because if I was you, I would sound just as pathetic as you do.

Ouch.

Yeah, I know I win.

I am so very safe, because you are in your place, and I am in mine, paranoia, put in it’s place.

You are in my mind all the time.

I need to meditate on something else, but I do this instead, because I like to make sure I do things all the way, so I am stepping on my self- ass er tion.

I am self-assertion, reality desertion, I am dying because I have to in my owner, this is illustration, to show my owner, that I am bad, even though sometimes my owner is glad to have me… because my owner is insane.

I am. I am. I am.

Look at me, oh so very free, look at me.

But, backing away, I am caught looking back at you.

I am taken back and drop my things and instantly start to start re-gathering them, while falling apart.

I am fine, I tell you, but you know I am not, you stand looking at me, while my face turns red hot.

What is your problem?

I don’t really know, and if I did, I can’t let it show, that I know the answer because I don’t want to tell you.

I found these

I miss you, but I do not, I miss you, with heart in not. I am just living a lie, because I have forgotten what it was like to live with you back then, and as much as I say I am fine and completely okay…

You are lying.

I know.

I am never okay..

You are lying.

I know.

I am meditating on pain because I am addicted to misery.

I am meditating on pain, because I like to eat my own soul.

I am mad. I think there is something wrong with me.

I burned these flowers for you baby, in real life and on here, because

I am ****ing insane.

I am lack of clarity, brought about by insanity and vanity, I am enchanted by misery, brought to you by ms.re, she was the last one to chose to see my face that does not wish to be alone.

You are not that sad, stop pretending to be.

I am meditating on times when I was.

Why?

Misery loves company.

You are trying to keep resentment happy? That is pretty dark.

Such tragic skies

I love you baby, you make me complete, you so fare, you are so wonderful, and you are so neat. You are so wonder filled, so lovely, with your grace, I am replete. I would build you an altar, but my love is strewn across the street.

I am so sorry, for how it must end, you were such a wonderous, lovely, trend, for my life to take…. so dreadfully sorry, I made such a tragic and unfashionable mistake.

You were so right, my angel, about me, and my life, me, such a dark creature, addicted to night.

I am so sorry, baby, I loved you so much. I am so sorry, that I lost all your trust. I couldn’t do what you asked me, I see through blind eyes, so sorry sweetie, I am a creature of despise.

I love everything about you, baby, so glad, so elated to have met you face to face, you are a creature of grace.

I am nothing, I am magic, I am an eye. I am a liar, I am crafter, I am wordsmith, I am an enchanter, I am the act of lying down, I am taking nothing standing. I am the idea of withstanding.

You are really ****ing arrogant.

Really, I had no idea.

That was great.

So am I.

Obviously.

I know, right.

I am full of hot air

Not a question?

Clearly, can’t you see?

***hole.

Pole or I’d

What you thought

What you did

What you thought

What I did

He is a liar

I am away

Forever and ever forgotten forgetter

I hate you Just in time

I am no longer addicted to dimes

I am a lie, I am the truth, I found a way, I am so ruthless, you are a liar, you tried to remove me.

Mother****er.

You are still once in awhile trying to contact me.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I win. I won. I win.

I am vengence, I am rage. I was in a cage, now I am always on a path away from you.

I counted the amount of days in my life since I was 13. That is all.

You have my heart, sweetheart

You are nothing, ***hole.

Point taken, and proven, so I guess you’re permanent?

I am ever-present, yes.

Color me green, color me striken, I am the quickness of those in dark sickness

You are bitter Hell in a painful shell, of everything on which I doomed to dwell, pain spell, rescast with eyes focused on a past of lack.

Ow, you burned me.

I forgot how I like talking to you, baby.

Me too.

Dark Reflections

So, I think I remembered why I hate myself.

Oh, did you really? Do you see it clearly now??? Oh, master of the art of never coming down, off the pedestal you placed yourself on????

You realize you live in her soul too, how does that reflect on you, voice that shouts about everything I do, you are part of them too yes, but why do you act like an infestation, a manifestation of everything they are not.

I don’t know maybe it is because I have been shoved and pushed around, any time the two of you needed something so useful during the act of coming down.

Well, where were you after that, after your so selfish caring act? Where do you go when you aren’t being, like you describe, if your pain is not contrived, let me see through your eyes, which are theirs, not your’s, by the way, at least I borrow, not try to take away.

I never did that and you know it.

Yes, you did, you just don’t show it.

You are digitally remastered, by a master of disaster, which is why we no longer speak, because my soul was obsessed with the act of living beneath.

I hated you because you were not like us, not me and me, but me and my friends, who had given you trust, but did not trust me, because they should not, because I am a liar an an ***hole when I am using.

You gave me a wolf tattoo on my arm, I asked for a cat and you put a wolf on my arm, and now I forever remember you, because you knew me better than I knew myself.

I am small with regret, a tramp stamp, made by neglect.

To clear site, sight, sited, right.

She is not like you, so she is going down, I love you sweetheart and your friend would rather lay down.

She stole your money, and I’ll give it back, little do you know, this is all an act. We tricked you, baby, but you don’t know. I wanted your attention and your friend did know. Now you are sitting thinking she left you here, she is buying something of which you won’t here. I covered for her, because without her, I would never have met you, and after today won’t see you again, and this I bet you, so right now, I will tell you anything you want to hear, and yes have anything you want, I have it here.

I don’t know when she will be back, she did not tell me, and yes she will be back of this I assure, I implore you please relax, your insanity and anxiety is such a tax, I love your voice honey, and love your face, I have something that I am sure will make your pain slow pace.

Okay, she is back no go away, and if you are ever in need you know where I stay.

This is for you, baby

I am in love with the sun, apparently, I like that it burns me.

I love your UV rays, hurt me baby please, bring me to my knees, I am begging you please, oh please kill me, I am so in love with my own disease.

I love to exist in decline. I am resigned to

SICK

MIND

In bind with time, I sit in

D

Clin

ING

Spinning freely

You are such an idiot.

I know, but I am writing this for you, because I LOVE

You are just making an *** of yourself.

I don’t care, I am just writing love letters to myself in public, so of course I am making an *** of myself.

Disorder personality, how do I reassemble thee?

Why do you care?

Because I hate it when people stare at me.

Then why are you making an *** of yourself online?

Point taken.

Burn me please,

I am on my knees,

I miss your sweet carress

Oh, one who looked so pleasant in a white dress.

I love you so much, you are so great, ever so sorry we no longer relate, you are so lovely, I am so sad, so very tragic you made me so mad, I loved you so dearly, we related so well, you made me feel like I’d escaped fom pure hell, you were so perfect… now you are

Gone

I am so sad I knew you so long, I wanted it to work out so sad it did not, so very tragic our love was so hot, it made me so happy to see

Clearly that you were such a miserable peice of ****, so glad, so sad, too bad, baby, enjoy the cash you stole from me, hope it was ****ing worth it.

Slap in the face, there and again again

In the dark of night a fire burns and creates light, the only light under a bridge, in a barrel without lid, burning free for all with site because no one cares no need to fight to hide anything at all because

There is no love for the ever shoved, no one will come to put it out, no one will scream, no one will shout, they want you warm and then want you free, to die under the bridge on your own bent knee, cast to the ground in twisted form, dying from own hand, and sick with scorn, you did it to yourself, now they can say, and so poor addict is thrown away.

The poor exist under bridges of a country, that forgets the addicted and poor and hungry, that ignores addiction and mental illness, and then questions sadness of it children.

Ever so slowly, as we walked, set together on a journey of talk-

In the going perpetually away, I became the state of mental decay, you told me once I could not feel, made me believe my thoughts unreal, your true intent indeed to steal any speck of sanity and make me deal

Tell me, sweetheart, how much you want me now… that I am so out of reach…………..

Only with you so every action could be controlled, and then in anger your frustrations you’d unload, get away from me, let me be, why can’t alone you desire to be?

Ever So Slowly, The branches fell

I was never even real to you, I was her mental illness, our device to get things you blame me for?

Our meaning you and me, because no matter how much you don’t like it, you were always with me, she was not real

and you knew this, you told me you knew this, and any pathetic denial is your attempt to hide feelings you have about your own self.

I asked you the same question, but I guess my words……………

They meant less than, anything you could ever do or say, now you see why I chose to go away.

Eat me.

You told me this, and encouraged me to do the same, hating my words, and my inner disdain, my distaste for you and for myself, loving nothing but bottle on shelf.

You talked of love and of forgetting the past, of making things different, trying to make me laugh, of making things better and making things last, of wondering why I would always want alone, at last.

You followed me everywhere, my continuous tale, wanted me nowhere, chased to no avail.

I am not your dog, now I am out of your grasp, no more short leash, and now we both remember how to laugh.

I hope you like your new girl, and that you leave me be, I don’t want to be friends, leave me to be free.

I am so happy to be at peace, a place, instead of the sensation of mind erase, a drink, but also a place. I am no longer the feeling of lack of space, but am allowed to exist.

I wasn’t before this. I was a state of mind that was pushed away, a meditation thought to be decay, but now I exist.

Yes.

Drinking, using, any of that… is not better than this, and none of that is missed, not for anything would I give up this.

I am so glad to be done, and be able to not hate myself anymore.

I have begun to sow the fractured pieces of my soul back together, but it is hard, a reverse dissection of a fake infection projected on me by my own hand.

At least now I can stand on my own two feet.

I hate myself, I hate my voice, I sound like a **** when I say anything, condescending **** when I say anything, and can’t do anything normal

Like drink water. I just almost choked on an ice cube… ****.

I drink everything like alcohol still…. doing ****ing shots of water with ice in it. Like it is going to work faster if I drink it in five seconds. What the ****????

I do the same thing with everything, must make everything painful, like just take sips of water when you are thirsty dumb ***

I have been courted all my life, to dance with loaded gun or held knife at my Neck, by myself, on a shelf, which of course is what I think because, baby I ****ing stink, I smell booze, in heart and soul, still drunk but dry, sometimes I know.

I reek of anger, creaking madness, rocking back and forth epic sadness, dark reflection, not staring at mirror, but bashing crashing and dying in epic fear.

I am loaded gun, I am dark resistance, I am tragic, insistence, that though I am dry, I am GOD. I am responsible for divining rod, punishing me, I am insistence on trying to be my own

Maker

Breaker

Soul forsaken, breaking me, tragically, beginning to see how epic my failure is.. or simply that I am an addict who needs a higher power.

Facts.

Revealed to me to invalidate below:

I am not the center of the universe, like I thought in below post

I am going to slit this woman’s eye balls out of her head. I have been thinking about it all morning, and I can’t think of another way to handle this, because I am stuck on idea of removing her eyes from her skull. I know this is not healthy, but I would love to poke her in the eye like the cyclops she is, unseeing in all her stupidity.

Wow, cheap shot of the internet, thanks for this one, right in the heart.

“The computer is also not famous for having mercy.”

Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game

Maybe that is a sign I should do nothing… I have been remembering quotes from this book all day applied to my life, but I forgot about this one, and it just hit me where it hurts. So I don’t know what I am going to do now.

Damn it. I hate having a conscience, it is very inconvenient.

Damien.

Now, you know a little more about what I hear in my head on repeat when I am talking to myself, you know what keeps me up at night. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I was just not able to stop doing what I was doing easily… I was weak and stupid, and even though I knew what I was doing to others, to myself, and to who and what I was serving, I still refused to surrender. I do not regret doing what I did when I did not know what I was doing. I regret doing it after, due to my own weakness, and lack of resolve to walk away.

I do too, Damien.

I know. I am you.

I think we can fix it by doing the right thing now.

You do?

Yes, you have to move on, beating yourself up is what it wants.

Okay, I will try.

Me too.

The best day I have had in my life so far, I feel so much better, which will most likely last about 21 minutes or something till something changes, and I go through some other psycho breakdown.

There we go. 21 seconds of peace, before I snap at myself, on the internet, and now I am remembering how shitty I feel. **** it.

But, still best day ever, which shows me how bad my days have been before, I love everyone on this website. It is really saving my pathetic life.

It is so quiet here right now, my wife is in the next room, watching some show with my daughter, we had dinner together, which was weird. I think they are strange.

I love them though, just don’t understand why they like me.

Later

Damien

No she is not, you don’t kill, you torture, you are source of disorder and perpetual pain enforcer

You are a sorcerer of remorse on deadly course that needs interaction for satisfaction and I am not stupid anymore so I can stop rhyming because you are a sore on the

Screw you.

I am done.

I speak in words, in heart I rumble, you disgusting wench who reeks of fear, you crying *^%#, drinking of shared beer, you think you’re smart but you are not, your just like him and smell of rot. You deceive yourself most of all, beckoning like a servant called, to man so weak he harvest souls, dug graves for men and woman folks, he killed your friends, your family too. He does this and then he’s done with you. You love him so, oh how great. Your pain will be to me a taste of heart and soul that is quiet rare, useless b**ch with such kind stare. I do not hate you, for you don’t matter, latter for death on silver platter, he is my servant don’t you see how you don’t even matter to me?

Amanda?

Help. This is intense.

Just don’t listen to it. It hates that. That’s why he talks all the time, to shout over its voice.

Just keep talking. It hates talking.

Thank you, God.

I am so grateful they went bed. I hate saying this. I hate typing this. I want to get high on a drug that doesn’t exist. I don’t like how any drug makes me feel anymore, but I hate this clawing madness. I hate the demands of everyone around me. I want to be *$%^*&^ alone. I don’t mean in my own head which I share with my friend, she feels the same way. I just am reacting stronger, because she is a pansy.

I want to know how everyone else seems to know what to say, and I always say the wrong thing. I can’t say anything that has the ability to convey what I am trying to say apparently.

I don’t get it. I have the same thing Amanda has because of coincidence I guess. I have said nothing about it because I can’t get a word in edge wise, because I am worried I am going to bite someone’s head off. I wish my daughter and my wife didn’t have phones. I don’t want to hear hey come look at this, ever again. I can’t stand on my leg without it hurting because I used to do stupid things that I don’t want to talk about with my teenage daughter, so no I don’t want to see a video on the internet for the thousandth time. My knee hurts. I took some advil but because I am a drug addict it doesn’t work that well, and I am going to the hospital tomorrow, but its going to still hurt afterwards because I am not taking anything other than a medication to cure the infection, because there is no way I am bringing anything in this %^&**&^ room. I don’t want my daughter touching the things that helped ruin large parts of my life.

Damien

I think both me and Amanda just realized again together that we are delusional psych patients that bring about our own fears by drinking and using out of resentment.

Spiritual awakening number 2, Damien.

My wife likes me.

I wish I had a wife that liked me.

You will.

Thanks guys.

Amanda is really learning to stand up for herself, and face fear instead of being a tool of resentment, used to reek havoc of the souls of the weak. At least you are learning before becoming like me.

I like you.

So do I, so don’t stroke his ego. It is not helpful.

I know, I just don’t realize when I am doing it sometimes.

I know, I like that about you.

I don’t.

I am working on it Rei.

I can see that, because he doesn’t feel the need to seek you out through soul wrenching emotional fracture and live forever in the misery of addiction when you could both find seperate….

We are the same person

We are the same person

I know. Well… I misspoke.

https://reinventionsreena.wordpress.com/2023/02/09/reenas-xploration-challenge-267/

I missed the train back from the city.

One beer and a bag of Raisinets, bought for lunch and dinner,

Causing me be to be late, because

One beer was never enough

So I bought another tall boy

Prophetic in its prediction of what was to draw

Me away from the home I was already late to return to

And the arms that I would go to instead, screaming

“I am a woman in trouble, I am no heroine. I can’t save myself,”…

Wanting for a hero,

I manufactured a situation by accident

That was perfect for a wanted rescue.

A victim of time, more than man,

I remember in that moment, running to make my train,

5:35

But, I thought

No I didn’t… didn’t think..

Just did… Just sat.. so far away from the home that was crying for me,

While I was crying quite simply for escape, and

That is what I got eternally for a new place.