My spray painted goddess

You are standing in front of a wall you painted dark green, like the ocean, or the idea of being mean, you didn’t like that, thinking it ruined it.

Ruin radiates from your eyes, no your ruin, but rather, mine, something I jealously guard, tortured guard, of Hell’s sword.

You stare blankly into the nothingness, that is everything you see before you, because everything before you is nothing, compared to the light radiant hands that painted the walls the color of the love of the sea, sprayed on, with the spirit of sea spray, encapsulated, by the captivating hands of one who radiates love so deep for all around her. You paint color into the darkness in waves that turn me green with envy, making me a creature on your walls, invisible, and broken, down into the atoms, so low, that I am nothing, but fragments, on the walls, shattered and broken, but brought back together, and rematched, by everything that you are.

You are a shooting heroic star.

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I fly through worlds of darkness, resting in dark nests, I am an observer of everything.

You caw outside my window, which makes me look up.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/crow-symbolism

I am the crow.

The omen is a not just an omen, but a messanger, sent to dispense spiritual law, traveler between worlds, seer and traveler of a divide in time.

Haver of both it and me and no longer, possesser of item. I am simply the crow.

I

am

Complicated too, and complicatedly the crow, because I am not a crow, I am a human being, obviously, because crows can’t type letters, but I am listening the caw of the crow as I write to you, whoever is listening, even if ut anyone is at all, and

Where do you go?

What do you see?

What do you desire me to be?

Decay or I don’t know grow? I am not good at positive words… that’s all I have to say about that, I think… I thought of that in the shower, and that is all that came to me so that’s it folks.

A journey through MISERY

PUSH
PLUNGER
GO
ON THE EYE OF A NEEDLE
RIGGED WITH SPENDTHRIFT
DEATH

Forgetting is a tragic problem I have, but it is getting better, as my ego dies, and I open my eyes to the fact that I could not see, because I was sick and deranged by a disease strange and prone to mange and change human form, to distort and contort the human body, and make it unrecognizable to the have-

er of one.

I have been know as a chaos chaser of dragons, a pusher of substance, and prayer in holes of foxes, in ditches, in alleyways, a shooter of heroes, and a placer of ins and outs in acts heroic so I can go without doing them, pushing them in with sowing needles that stitch me out and in to a quilted madness in the bed I was making and would have to lie in and lay in, in death.

I have come to a place now where I can go home as well, well too.

This home allows the chaotic night to continue without my pushing assertion of madness, and it is a little quieter minus one night crier night crawler, who now sleeps and dreams.

I borrowed time, I know this now, I experienced more of it than most people. I did not realize at the time that I was not borrowing it… well not exactly, I was being lent extra time by something that deals in a currency of spare change. I was being lent time in exchange for something, a deal made with something beyond my understanding, that knew me better than I knew myself, than I know myself now. This force knows everyone. It understands everything, and you can make deals with it, without knowing even. You can make deadly bargains that you don’t know the nature of that are not dealt to you with good or bad intention, simply intention itself, raw intention, raw will, there are forces in this universe, propelled in a direction of will, of will to be as they are supposed to, and if you fight those forces, you will experience, pain.

It is this pain which I fight to reverse now. I have realized recently that the assertion of deadly force of dominance is the opposite of what the universe desires. I have been made aware by the pulling in directions, that there is a force which punishes the assertion of will over the forces of a balanced system. This is all that I know right now.

See Clearly

I forget sometimes, that I have glasses, getting up in the middle of the night and crashing into walls because I did not put them on. I walk without them frequently and cannot see clearly, because I have gone without them before, for years when in active addiction.

The eyes of others, guide me, but I am paranoid, debating internally with universe, I question intention constantly, seeing things they don’t and debating with myself what is real while they are just walking down a street undisturbed, knowing none of what I am doing in my mind, while they walk peacefully next to me.

I clean my lenses, real glasses not metaphoric often, caught in an OCD futility of see clearly, forgetting that I see things others do not, and I am left to wonder, am I noticing things that matter or do they only matter to me?

I am so happy to not have to pretend to be someone else anymore, I used to even change my voice, so it sounded more pleasing to other people, manipulation at its finest? I have a very aggressive sounding voice, and I always hated it. It is very freeing to be able to not have to do that anymore. I hated doing it without even realizing it. It is extreme enough that I can make myself sound like someone else on the phone, so my voice is not recognizable. I used to use it to get out of trouble. I did not realize how much of a liar I was, and how pervasive it was in every aspect of my life. The truth is really as freeing as they say it is.

I feel like I am a kid on summer vacation, but I am really just an addict in retirement from a life of…being an ***.

Damien

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Don mcclean

Don McLean Starry Starry Night, Ode to Vincent Van Gogh

So now it happened during the day while I was awake enough to get my *** up and run with her, mind you I don’t know how the **** we did it. She was watching me, while I was on here, and I didn’t know it. I was posting things online for a friend of mine who I help manage her small business, she is an awesome woman. One of the best friends anyone could ask for. She also knows a lot about antiques and vintage everything. Anyway, so I am sitting here e·mersed in trying to find things, looking through other peoples written work, whatever… I don’t know and I can feel her looking at me, she has this eerie way of looking through me, as if she can see into my soul, and I got weird about it, made some sort of strange face, and I think we switched bodies for a second, you know like that stupid movie from the seventies not the movie with Lohan, but the original one?

Yeah, I remember, Damien.

Cool you heard me. I was freaking out so I thought it be nice to say hi.

Gotcha.

She looked at me and I felt her feelings, I felt how she was afraid in the same way I am afraid of her, that she was afraid of me, not liking her… that her introversion was my introversion and it was only a second, but I feel like I know her so much better, I trust her completely. She is like me 2.0, wow… narcissism…

Gross.

Later.

Damien.

I don’t get the luxury of memory of some of this, I have seen some ****, man. These are extreme fictionalized versions of the horrors on the street. They are dramatizations of the last 15 years of my life.

“They like to see me down on my ******* knees,”

I deliver you the disease of addiction personified.

In a very benign form.

I don’t want you to have to get to the death part of the addict cycle

of

jails institutions death

I only got out with prayer hope and the grace of my higher power.

I am done, and it wasn’t fun.

To be spun like loaded gun.

Ew, I view raid

I side view

View is rad

Said is view

Is view ew?

Para dise

Para dice

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

If I have to be less self-centered. Then everyone else does too. But, seriously…. that is not incorrect I can start a word with but because I am want to.

If it were removed from the English language it wouldn’t be so hard to stop saying, because it wouldn’t exist and maybe in a society where it didn’t exist people wouldn’t be so self-centered because it would be kind of a post I kind of world, where people lived in higher acknowledgement of each other and in more a unifying way.

Maybe if people stop segmenting each other with difference, but instead loved everyone by nature of being a living thing that deserves respect then we would be less violent.

But, who am I to talk I was writing about killing people till a couple days ago.

It is hard to see anything through the veiling nature of green.

There is a shadow cast by the act of lushness that comes with greenery. In that greenery exists a deception that casts over all, in the plenty that exists with green comes a deceptive veil that cannot be lifted unless there is a removal of the vines which entangle around the human soul, because in their entanglement of the limbs that are your source of movement comes a restriction of breath and removal from the world in which you live.

Him and I walk through both places, we walk in valleys of green and areas of blue ocean, and I always seem to lose him in those green places.