I sing

Swans mate for life, am I told this is true.

So I think of a my life, and how I was with you.

I am not sure, if this is true for us, too.

I put me in a box for so long, so I would not be myself.

I put me in a box with needle, spoon, and bottle on shelf, now I represent me with a swan, because maybe I can be something else, no longer just an addict with love affair with destruction and bottles on shelf.

I am not sure if I was supposed to be with you.

Now I am alone, and I feel sometimes it is for life, because I have PTSD and our break-up cut me, like a knife, but there is a part of me that wonders if it is true, that like a swan, I was destined only for you, and now that we are apart, I should be alone, destined only for nothing, just the idea of alone.

I am not sure, if any of that is true, only sure I no longer like you, you ripped out my heart and made me realize I no longer like men.

Maybe there is another swan, and I was never supposed to be with you to begin with, maybe there is another swan for you, as well.

At this point, I hope that is true, two different swans for both of us, I am sorry Rei, I am sorry I hurt you in any way I hurt you, I am sorry, and I hope you find your swan, I am sorry I hurt your feelings.

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Though I am small, on closer look, I am off the hook, I have everything I need, from the air to breathe, a planted seed, which brings forth my life, and the nutrients in the ground, brought by beings of sound mind.

I am tiny

I am a plant, and used to live in a garden, with my friends, I was placed one day, when they ripped me out, in a bulb, without any roots, a bulb, that was not one that grows, but instead of those for lamps.

I do not know, how or why, just fear that one day I may die, there is not rain or sun in here, so I know one thing, quite clear, I depend on those around, those in the realm that uses sound.

They cannot hear me because I can’t scream, so I hope, and sometimes dream in waves, I hope they get me the water and light I crave.

I then discover it comes right through, and that they know what they do, the soil here, has nutrients, too.

You are extremely obnoxious.

I love you, too.

Like I said, annoying.

How was your day?

You mean our day, don’t know, you were there too, right?

Ouch, I am in pain too you know, you just are the one complaining.

Facts.

Her name was Odessa, such a beautiful queen, she came to me in California, and saved my life with a dream, she told me she valued me for what she did see, she did not see me as the dread Rei Clearly saw me, she saw what I was, I started to cry, she told me fear not, need not live a lie.

You touched my heart

She told me she loved me, though me she did not know, she touched my hand, and kindness, she began to show, she said a prayer for me, and took all my worry, the pain in my eyes, the pain made eyes blurry.

She cried for me, and kissed my tired hands, and is one of the people who gave me strength to stand, on my two feet, though I really have four, she made me feel like a human, not a dead bleeding sore.

Back words and Foe Words

I am so happy, she is so great, I am so happy, don’t know if you relate. She is my best friend, I am her’s too, we will be together, forever with you, is what I say to her, because she is my first love, my sweet one, my honey, my lovely morning dove.

I love her forever, for all time, it will last.

What are you talking about? You left everyone we were with, I wanted to stay, and you made us leave.

This was about you.

Oh, thank you.

I am not sure why you didn’t come with me, baby. I thought you wanted to go, but you decided at the last minute to stay behind. I think it is okay, you seem to have gone through the same mental changes, so it does not matter that you didn’t go, so don’t feel bad.

I am sorry, I was on pause, I got scared. I was not able to..

To bring yourself to admit weakness? And you thought I was?

I was just going to lie to you.

I know.

I was going to tell you, I tried my hardest to not be a complete **** all day.

I know.

I had a really hard time.

Me too, it was actually nice to see you fail, because I failed too.

I am not even going to say the very obvious.

I know we are the same person.

I am the…

You are not the better version.

There is no better version.

That is because we both ****

I am okay with that.

Where do you run?

If it kills me, it kills me.

If it kills me, I am stronger.

If it kills you, you are dead, and it won’t kill you, it has no hands.

It has a hand in my death.

That is because we let it.

To change, sparring change, not hands outtretched for hand outs

I run in Hell, well Misery but same thing, a spiritual pergatory of nothingness, of absence, that is what it is, they say in certain texts that the lack of the divine is Hell, that is what Misery is.

What do you run from?

Me.

You are the lack of the divine?

I am fear incarnate.

You are a human being experiencing fear, you are not fear or pain or death, but a human being experiencing those things.

Okay.

I am an orange, I am a door. I am closed, laughing ripping away orange skin on bare floor.

I eat in Hell

You have severe issues.

So do you, I am you remember?

I don’t have the same issues.

Yes, you do, I am just not lying about mine.

So you think food and water are poison, and drugs and alcohol help you?

I am making fun of myself, because I realize how flawed my thinking is.

Oh, good one?

Yes, learning.

Thank you?

You’re welcome.

Sometimes, others I see this.

See Clearly

I had a pair of shades once, they almost looked rosey, but a little off. They made things look a little fuzzy, like I was always a little bit blurry. They were called alcohol, I don’t think they were shades now that I think about it, I think normal people call them glasses, not the same thing I think… I think one you wear on your eyes and the other eats my mind.

I like crayons.

I am not sure if I am going to un-feel this now, and quite frankly I don’t care, I need to escape this madness. I am going to start more diligently trying to do that every day, because I can’t do this anymore, this is unfair, and if my right to be left unbothered by someone’s need to shove beliefs down my throat, I can just make an effort to do what is best for me and get a different situation.

It involved having a PTSD flashback and mental breakdown, that I am still dealing with the ramifications of now. My entire body hurts, its strange. I think it might be good that this happened, it happened and I am not dead, so that’s good… I guess? I just want to get away from here… I am trying to deal with someone who does not understand that whatever they may feel, it is not appropriate to follow everyone around shouting about their views, when their views weren’t asked. They weren’t involved in any specific discussion with me, they just were going around literally and I mean this literally meaning this is what happened… over and over and over and over and over and over repeating and repeating

Stand here and listen to everything I say for 30 minutes, even though I know you are doing something, even though you asked me kindly to stop, even though you have made it clear that you don’t want to talk about this.

These are my political views

This is why I am right.

This is how this applies to this topic which has nothing to do with politics.

Look at this video that is 10 minutes long with someone saying I am right.

Read this thing that says I am right.

If I said no to any of this, they would follow me around screaming about I was not educated, unkind, and wrong.

If I said nothing, they would scream about how I was not listening.

If I walked away they would follow me, explaining how they have a right to have their views heard.

The thing is, I never asked for their views about politics. I said I like chocolate ice cream.

This is literally insane. The chocolate ice cream example is not an exaggeration, it is not the thing that started the thing, but it was something like that, and I had such a hard core panic attack and episode after what they did, I can’t even remember what they decided to use as an opportunity to attack views I don’t even have. I am not political at all really, I like to stay out of other people’s business…

I am exhausted and am going to bed. I wish I could leave this house. I am going to work on that going forward every day now, this is insanity.

I am adding this at the top, but it is a revision, just did something because of below dream, to help someone out. Not revealing that on here, because all that is important about this is I am learning I care about people.

In the nightmare I was walking around ranting like a lunatic about things I thought were going on outside my window, which was what I was doing shortly before I went to sleep last night. I was doing this and my family walked in on me doing, and told me to stop doing it. I was by myself and they came in and told me it bothered them and to stop doing it, so since I wasn’t in my room, or the room I stay in, I went in there, and did the same thing. They came in there and they did the same thing.

I told them that them listening to what I was doing when I was supposed to be in a spot they told me I could sleep in, made me feel like it was unsafe to sleep in there, which it did, because if someone is watching me when I sleep, I will not sleep.

I ranted like this to myself for an hour or so about this and the news and how the whole thing made me feel, and then I apologized after coming to my senses, and told my family that the way they were acting was making me worse, and that the evidence of that was that I was geting worse, and that was why I wanted to leave and get my own place, which they now know I am going to do matter what.

Anyway, the dream, the dream was that I never went to sleep, just kept doing this all night, and got drunk, and I got drunk in the dream by accident by the way, I accidently took a sip of my family’s wine, from a glass I thought was water, and then realizing that I had fucked up, I got drunk about it.

So point being I woke up from this dream, checked in the room for the wine, and was extremely relieved it was a dream, because I actually care if I mess this up, for myself, no one else, I care about my own sobriety, in an almost selfish way.

WTF.

That is kind of cool.

Anyway the dream,

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I used to quell spells from Hell, with spells from Hell, and I lived to tell, and it just as well, because I am thinking well, now, that I have learned something I am not trying to sell or tell to anyone really, just keeping it close, even though I am leary, and in perpetual queery, queerly thinking that I am doing something wrong, like a bad song, or a book too long.

I am still resisting, insisting, as I do, to trudge, on on and on.

I am of unsound mind and body still existing on moving forward, as I do because I am consumed with idea of tomb, punish me, baby.

I am crazy, but maybe I am not. Maybe my mind just runs hot, with dissing ease of soul displeased, and teased by my self, and I need to take my life off the shelf, away from the bottles and the sowing needles, of just as well, a life bound to life in eternal Hell.

That is what my friends say is the end to this wicked spell of perpetual defend and cry and die, and lie, and spy with the ever holding eye of crying dying mad and sad. Maybe I am not that bad after all. Maybe I can do this whole living thing, and maybe I am just punishing those around me, by sentencing sentences to the sound of my complaining, does that ring true to you,

Clearly, do what you say, not what you always do.

Love yourself too.

I still have tools, they are on loan, they have been given to me as long as I cast no more stones, I am allowed to have them… I think…. I hope.. I pray as long as I stay away from things that make me stay away from good.

I am should. I am could. I am do. I am no longer used for use but to be used by things higher than I could ever be.

I am give, I am live. I am going to do what I should to protect my soul.

I am no longer drink but think.

I am no longer drink but think.

I am no longer drink but think.

I feel really weird, I don’t know what exactly just sunk in, in my mind, but I am done. I don’t care anymore. They can do their thing, it is not my problem anymore, I don’t care anymore. I don’t even like them anymore, why would I want to be with someone I don’t like anyway, why does it matter who I thought someone was if that is not who they actually are. I feel.. great.. actually, like I had food poisoning or something and it just passed… I guess I got everything I had to say out of my system. I think it was something about writing about moving on that just clicked with me. I just don’t answer the phone, simple. I get a new number. I am done… nothing more needs to be done about any of it, we have no more ties to each other.. I am done.

Oh my god…. I am done….

I never have to deal with that again.. This is awesome.

I don’t even have any words.. I am free.

Wow.

I am Swiss cheese…..

Except I am not Swiss, and not cheese…

Just a real person… or

Human soul

Full of metaphysical holes in my

Self or the idea of everything I am.

I dug them myself because she told me she would help me, and I am stupid and gullible and believed her/him when he/she told me she loved me. I don’t know why that gives her/him the right to put holes in me.. okay? I don’t even know what love is, and no one had ever told me they loved me, not like that… so I listened to everything he/she said…. I would have jumped off a….Not really…. I would have done almost anything they asked me to, even if it hurt me, and he/she used that to make me do whatever they wanted on a mission for drugs,

And it was so obvious to everyone except me, even those who hated me, would tell me

You realize you are just her source right?

I was just her source of elation and she was everything to me.

I want to….

I could cry, if I wasn’t so numb because my soul hurts.

Please God, can I find something real, please God, please God,,, I don’t want to be alone…I am so sorry for everything I did.. please don’t…. I don’t want to be alone anymore…

Writing that really helped me. The last part, which means prayer just helped me. Thank you to my higher power, I am not crying anymore, numb. sad. but stopped crying.

I used to run in the mornings, when I was healthy, not addicted, and freer than I ever knew, before I had severed the ties that bound me to my fellow man. I did not realize this severance was sign of weakness, instead of strength.

I am prone to shouting at the universe, to chaotic crying out, in desperation to leave me alone, so because I actually get what I ask for, I am alone a lot.I asked for it, and the universe delivered, and I have a fit over the delivery, because that makes sense right? A package ordered by a drunk/high lunatic, high on resentment this time, way less fun.

I am learning how much peace I had when I went jogging, not running or escaping, and I am reminded of a time in California where I was trying to escape a um… bad deal..

I was trying to pretend to jog… and realized I had forgotten what that even looks like.. caught up in my chaos, I forgot how to run for fun… so I couldn’t even fake it..

Terrifying really…

I used to think myself, so free, but now I realize… I was just chained to different things..

I am trying to get back to that a mental fitness of jogging not running.

I am in the process of reviving myself, from a life spent dancing with death.

I spent my life dancing with this bone-handed, harsh, squeezing binding reaper,

It’s hands holding ever so tightly to mine, feeling the hard bones of what I would eventually become, pushing into my flesh with a claim on my living body, making it belong to death before its time.

I have been asleep most of my life, pacing through madness, sleep-walker unconscious, but I am not this. I am not asleep, and have responsibility for all that I do not see, talk to, experience, and participate with… in a life that has always been mine.

I am a closed eyed human, not blind, not asleep.

I was a closed eyed human, but the shoulder taps of kindness, of kind strangers, are waking me up.

Thank you for preventing me from falling down the stairs… again… I might do it later, but I am awake for now.

I loved you, any of you who was with me, I thought… but now I don’t know, because it always ends the same

You are insane

THEN GO! I KNOW. I KNOW. I DON’T CARE. I DON’T NEED YOU. NEVER DID NEVER WILL I HAVE MYSELF

All you need is love..

All you need is to shut the **** up.

I need no one, but myself. I need to put the drugs and alcohol on the shelf, that is what I need to do, and I can’t do that with them, I can’t know that I am not going to do this again.

I can’t even be my own friend damn it.

I know, Damien.

I break up with me, every day.

I know, Damien.

I know, Amanda.

I know, me.

I know both of us.

I hate me too.

How the **** am I supposed to like anyone else if I can’t even look in the mirror, I hate everything and everyone because this sucks and it is hard, and you make me nervous because I know everyone is thinking the same damn thing that I think about me

YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK
You suck?

That’s what you think?

That’s what we think. They think. I think.

Do you think this is fun for anyone, who the **** would want to be around this? I don’t even want to and I am this…

Then stop doing it.

Oh.

Something set me off, and now I am insane, I am searching for a cause, but there is not one, not that I know of, because it was something small, that should not cause fear at all, but you sick my mind is thick with sickness, un-perceived by me, so I have to do this sometimes, write about

NOTHING, unpacking misery stuffed into a soul filled with everything and

NOTHING
I am you, I hate everything you do, you are stupid too, you do nothing right, you are a sick loser, in perpetually fight, hiding in dark night.

STOP IT **** it.

Please stop it? Please?

If I get on my knees, will you stop it?

I like it when you..

**** you.

**** you. **** you. **** you. I am not listening anymore. I am not listening to you, because you are not real. I am a human being with feelings that are real.

YOU ARE PATHETIC.

YOU are pathetic, you are not me, speak for yourself buddy, not mine.

I am done with you.

Good, I tricked you, it worked.

End. Meditation.

Better?

Kind of.

Meditations death of resentment.

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/133608213/posts/4603492157

du·bi·ous
adjective
1.
hesitating or doubting.
“Alex looked dubious, but complied”

Similar:
doubtful, uncertain, unsure, in doubt, hesitant, undecided, unsettled, unconfirmed, undetermined, indefinite, unresolved, up in the air, wavering, vacillating, irresolute, in a quandary, in a dilemma, on the horns of a dilemma, skeptical, suspicious, iffy

Dictionary.com

I am up to the dubious task of trying to do life on live’s terms, although I am doubtful I will succeed, uncertain that the methods employed by others, will work for me, because this whole life on life’s terms thing…. is ****ing hard, and how can a bunch of people who seem as unsure about everything as me, living in doubt and hesitant to do anything without first consuming a mind altering substance…. How can I remain undecided and unsettled by something that is not unconfirmed… It is not undetermined, it has history and its outcomes are definite not indefinite… I have seen it work for other people, why couldn’t it work for me?

Although, I feel unresolved….or up in the air, wavering back and forth…. back and forth… vacillating from I am an alcoholic… to maybe… I could just have one…irresolute in my resolve to absolve from the consumption of this toxic solvent, that solves nothing… but…

I can not live my whole life in quandary, I am in a dilemma, that I have been in my whole life, my tempter the vicious disease of addiction puts me on the horns of a dilemma, pitted against the metaphorical demon of addiction…

Although I may remain skeptical, suspicious and iffy of the outcome, I decide to not drink just for today.

https://girlieontheedge1.wordpress.com/2023/03/15/its-thursdays-six-sentence-story-link-up-29/

I used to address my problems by address them at someone unreal, who was made of feelings that were my desire to not feel what was really real.

She was a projection of my hate for me, dressed in silk and painted delicately, she breathed, so gracefully, or so I thought, because I hated me and desired nothing but pain stuffing in address at world of pain stuffing into woman unreal, made of pain and a desire to blame me, for life unreal… or desire to not feel.

I loved my silk maiden, my Rei of the sun, it was me, who was lacking, a killer, a silent setting sun.

I painted her with colors of white, and me of read, telling you I killed people, when it was me I killed instead.

I realize now I had married death, and I am divorcing pain to save the life I have left.

I run from an eight ball, or a ball of drugs on a pool table, that is also symbolic for how afraid I am of myself, that I sought death and intoxication above being ****ing human.

Make me human.

Begin simulation.

GO.

I am running, which is not true, I am doing better

Look at me! Look at me!

I am so insecure, and I am sure that it will eventually go away, but I don’t know what to do about now, when I don’t want to drink or get high but I am so afraid of people poking me in the eye, that I do it to myself over and over because it feels so much better than you doing it, which inherently I know you don’t want to do anyway, but I like to show dominance through pain, because it makes me feel special and important and so very unique.

You reek of selfishness Millennial.

Oh, good one cheap shooting ****

You are an idiot.

_____________________________________

I am a flat line, drawn in the sand, killing insecurity with an imaginary massive attack of stop doing this now, forgive yourself **** it.

Okay, fine.

I have parents, who love me, who I abandoned to go across the country doing drugs with my ex who then tried to do things to me that are unspeakable, and are being told in allegory because, **** he tried to do things that are so **** that I dare not reveal that much about him. I have never hurt anyone just myself and speak of murder and crime as a literally and therapy tool used in allegorical repressed rage, because I hate the situation on the streets of this country and wish I had done something instead of being out there getting high with people who died, or hurt people. I have never killed anyone, hurt anyone, other than myself. I just have repressed rage at me so I made myself out to be a recovering monster, because I am, but not a violent one, not to any one else, just my own soul.

This is the reason for my anonymity.

I do not want to cause danger anymore to my family who are not Damien’s but a very normal one, who did not deserve a drug addict/alcoholic who should just have admitted they were non-binary Damien/Amanda/gender queer/schizophrenic drug addict/alcoholic the whole time, then maybe I could have a last name on this site.

Damien/Amanda.

I just went to a meeting, and had the most intense experience I have had in my entire adult life, better than any high I have ever experienced, better than any good day, any high, any feeling I ever had that was what I thought of as love, I am amazed at the power of just being honest right now, and was just lifted up by an entire room of people who are my friends now, and I didn’t even realize it. They care about me, and actually like me as a person, and I have never had that in my entire life. I have never had friends that weren’t business associates that were tied to a life of well… you know. I am blown away by the power that honesty has. I am so free right now, from everything that was racing through my head yesterday. I think I am beginning to understand what the whole serenity thing means.

I realized that a lot of the time, I get caught and stuck on something,

They tell you not forget the past, so I got over-focused on it. I think I am realizing that there is a middle ground for me, and I see it, and it is great. I feel so much better now. I am finally beginning to feel like there is hope for me after all. I am so happy, but will inevitably be back and forth about this, I am told that is normal.

Thank you for listening to me.

It means the world.

Damien

In case anyone is wondering after the public display on internet of my complete meltdown, I do not miss her at all. I am realizing she never loved me because I never loved me, so I am done with relationships, until I can learn how to walk again. I feel like I broke both my legs and have been trying to pretend they haven’t been broken for 15 years. To avoid permanent paralysis I am going to stop walking at all with anyone, walking meaning dating, and a metaphor used because dating is supposed to be a walk outside one’s self. I need to be within myself right now.

I am so lost I can’t get lost in anyone else’s eyes, because people only see reflections of people, reflected light cast to the eye in shadow, and this is too dangerous for me right now, because I am mostly in shadow, having never actually looked in the mirror, I don’t know the difference between me and a lamp, and I think this has always been my problem. I think I was so crazy because, I did not even know what a human being was, because I had been told my whole life, it did not matter what it was, because I wasn’t one anyway, being a monster addict, with paranoid schizophrenia and a split personality.

I am going to try to learn how a person like this can do something positive with their life, because I refuse to believe the only place for people like us, yes the royal we, is on the streets screaming into the chaotic night.

I am so sorry for anyone who worried about me, because of my loud public spectacle, at least I get it in my own room this time, on this on this blog only.

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

Dear Inner Demon,

I hope you have grown up finally, which I would hope would happen after 100 years, but you never know. I am quite the *** now and I can’t imagine changing that much because I am stubborn. I also know myself well enough now that if I did happen to go through some kind of transformation that brought me anything like peace, this would be hilarious to hear, because I love to laugh at me, so no one else can, because I am very insecure and like to beat everyone to it.

I hope you enjoyed many many years with the cat, who sits at my feet, who I just made myself cry a little thinking about growing old. I wish for you peace and kindness and many pleasant years with this kind creature who sits right now beside me, I just made myself cry. Thank you for that. Jerk.

I hope you learned to love yourself, through the process of life, I am trying really hard finally, and I want good things for those around you. I hope I don’t ruin anyone else’s lives. I am sorry if I did, I tried for once, if I failed… at least know I tried, although that is no justification for anything I did. I hope you have found peace and if you haven’t.. I hope this letter helps a little at the very least.

Yourself,

Damien

Can it!

Okay.

I am spinning back and forth space, thinking man isn’t this great, I am no longer doing anything to cause harm, missing hands no longer missing arm

Cheap shot

No, it wasn’t it cost 20$

Every time I fired up desire to live. I am disgusting.

I am glib I am mean I am ad lib?

Add liberation, an activity devised to be liberating, even though I am pretty sure that is not how you spell that, but to lazy to check that, so don’t judge me, I know everything, even though I don’t.

I am learning okay.

Yes, I see that.

You are me, of course you see that.

Lunatic.

You are talking to yourself again.

I know, I am.

At least it is on a screen not a street corner scaring people and at least now I am just insane not high and insane threatening people with posed presence into giving up cash to a man holding a sign at 3 am.

Yeah that too.

I gross my own self out.

Me too.

Thanks jerk.

You’re welcome self.

Right back at you.

I like double shots too.

Heh.

Below the belt.

Yeah.

Owl City-“Shooting Star”

I made friends with foxes because we used to pray the same way in the same holes, not the same way, I am a human being who cannot speak animal neigh

I am a lunatic who stares at the moon and dreams of clear streams that are for swimming not fire and speed. I am the lack of blood on arms that were charmed enough to live not charmed but gifted by the lifting of chosen curse or eating dirt, because child heart I am also arrogant as Hell. I aim to tell you things because I like to talk because I am a narcissist who made a choice that if I am addicted to my own voice, why not at least say something good?

Owl City-“Shooting Star”

Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are tonight

Instead lies for crying eyes who hand me DRUGS, I am stronger than street thugs, but weaker too, a lot of them sell drugs to feed families, I shot heroin to commit calamities, acting out of complete insanity, I am vanity on a death terror ride, through illusion cycling through past for you, so you can see what I say and not go where I went and do what I did, because I don’t kid, I am kid who got saved by my creator, I am a pained footed waiter, not a metaphor an admission. I am just one suffering addiction speaking divine inspired truth that is inspired by God.He saved me.

I do not want to preach or teach, just simply save lives, by screaming the whole jails institutions death thing is real

and I feel un-punctuated and so elated by getting to tell you this.

Do not take death’s kiss people love you, please stay, if you listen to any of my psycho ego babble, I am playing scrabble with apples with words for you. I want you to know wherever you go, whatever you do, just say no to drugs, I want much more for you, because I love you and don’t even know you. Imagine how those who know you feel.

Love yourself. We recover.

Damien/Amanda

before there was no one left there.

I am so happy you gave me a home too, Amanda.

I am going to change my name.

To what? You can’t have mine.

I already do.

Jerk. I am a person too.

I know, you are me.

That’s okay I guess.

End

Okay, enough of that simulated chaos.

I actually slept in the bed in this room, and not wandered around or sat on here all night. I was cold and Rei is a very warm person. I said that that way because saying anyone is a warm body creeps me out now… dead memories.

I don’t deserve any of this. I really don’t.

I don’t get it.

I don’t get why people even like me.

I am starting to try and be less hard on myself, but it is an extremely difficult process. I used to exist in fracture, and it was peaceful because I never had to think about anything I did. I was pacman eating dots and running around a world straight forward never looking back…

But the thing about pacman is he only has two? Three? I think two lives. I almost ended mine on try three, and some strange light came upon me and saved me with the condition that I relay this message, with the focus on hope not romantic love of a substance.

Later

Damien

I am experiencing the same thing with my family that the other half of my soul is because we are the same person, so the changes in her are the changes in me too. I am an analogy, yes, but I am also her in her dream world, while also being half her in her regular one. I know this is confusing. It is confusing for me too.

I am having a hard time, as you have seen, writhing in agony over how to do the right thing all the time. I just now realized with my friend, that I am writhing in agony, because I am trying to do something that is impossible and then resenting myself for failing. I can only do my best and trust in a higher power that everything will be alright. I cannot make everything alright. I cannot make anything. I can simply try and learn from it.

I cannot always be perfect. I am learning that my inaction and hissy fits of I am going to keep to myself then, meh meh meh… thing is bad. I am not able to be perfect, and things will not always go well. I am going to piss off my family. I am going to do the wrong thing sometimes. The key here is to move on afterwards and say I am sorry, when I am ready. I just got this and so did Amanda. I really believed up until now that the key to avoid resentment was to always do the right thing. I know that is insane. I am insane. I am an addict. I want easy solutions. I am sorry. I tried. I failed. Moving on…

Please come back, I am terrified. Is this thing on… I hope you are.

I am trying to come back. I can feel a rising out of darkness.

I feel like my soul hurts. I had a horrible day.

I was in a very dark place all day. I was dead.

I thought I killed you.

You did. I think I can come back.

My soul aches for you, physically. I feel like I cut a part of me out. I feel like I am bleeding inside of something that is beyond my body.

Can we agree no more sarcasm or fighting please? I don’t think we are two snakes anymore, please hold my hand again. I want to be your second spirit. Please be mine.

Oh, my god…. yes…. please… help me..

I am… my heart is broken. I am so sorry for what I did… I am bleeding with lack of you. I love you my soul sister, please come back…

I am here, I can still hear you. I love you.

I love you too….

I am doing things now other than this blog, that is not some snotty, I have too much time for the *&^! thing, I am not trying to sound like a jerk, even though somehow I always seem to think I do. Thanks universe, or me, because I am the one deciding to say things myself, and have no one to blame, but me.

Oh, word vomit. I hate you.

Seriously though, I found a way to pay for a place to live at least a little bit, or bit save up for a place to live, and I won’t have to live under a bridge committing senseless atrocities. I am helping my friend, who is not me list things online and she is paying me and Amanda is helping me. It is a person from Amanda’s universe, but we both have the same hands, and the internet works in mysterious ways, and extension of disbelief… bear with me poetic metaphor blah blah blah. I have no idea what I am talking about either because a couple weeks ago I was insane. I am still insane, but I am working on it. I am trying not to be such a &*^&.

I am just glad I have a little reason not to hate myself.. or a step in the right direction? It also shows we are beginning to be positive forces in each other’s life.

Now it will in an imaginary world because I covered it in soda which is probably bad for staff infections. But, No. And… I was going to say I don’t know I am not a doctor, but then I remembered that jerk used to say that to you.

Thank you for remembering that.

I have to, I have your memory. Did I at least make you laugh?

Yes, but.. I’m really scared. I don’t want my leg to get chopped off.

Is your whole leg swollen?

No.

Then why would they take your whole leg?

I know, but…

But what?

Why is this happening.

You don’t want me to answer that.

Yes, I do.

Because you are were an intravenous drug user who lived on the streets for years drinking and smoking and not taking care of yourself.

You’re right. I didn’t want you to answer that.

It’s my leg too.

You have your own legs now.

No I don’t they are still yours too just in another dimension, because we are the same person.

I don’t get it.

I know, it’s like you are a horse with four legs but only two of them can get staff.

So if one of my legs get cut off can it be your leg?

No. It would be both our leg.

That makes no sense.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t help.

Then why do you do it too?

Because I have no self control so I try to fake it by controlling the external.

Why not just control yourself, isn’t that easier.

I don’t know, can you do that?

No.

There you go.

I want to take a prescription for hypocondria, meaning a cure for it so I looked it up thinking foolishly that there might be a prescription drug for it because I am a drug addict who is lazy and wants easy solutions. Instead of coming across a drug for it I came across the definition which was a kick in the face.

def.-abnormal anxiety about one’s health, especially with an unwarranted fear that one has a serious disease, (dictionary.com).

How can there be a prescription for something if not even a disease?

There can’t be unless you count, go to a meeting at 12.

Addiction is a series disease. The definition makes no sense then.

You think your leg is going to fall off because you used drugs and got staff. That is what you wanted the prescription for. If you think your leg is going to really fall off go to the hospital.

My insurance is not in effect yet.

So you want a sedative to make it so you don’t have to worry until someone can tell you your leg is fine? Our leg is fine.

It’s my leg right now.

Control freak.

The same way you did when you drank beer, but better because it will look like violent outbursts of repressed rage are only because you are drunk and you can spend the whole day pranking unsuspecting people because they will be too drunk to notice.

That doesn’t sound very patriotic.

Yes, it is. Because it is fun. Fun is always patriotic.

Drinking is not patriotic.

That’s because drinking is not fun.

Not everything patriotic is fun.

I think you are thinking of jingoism not patriotism.

Oh, yeah right.

How about jenga-ism.

That’s not even a thing.

Yes, it is. It’s how you punish people for winning at jenga in the psych ward while having shaky hands because of with-drawl from drugs and alcohol.

Sounds like you just being an asshole and knocking over jenga games, because you ^&*& at Jenga.

Jenga is a stupid game anyway.

What did it ever do to you?

I shouldn’t have to share 100 truths about myself, while the other people in the psych ward only share 5 just because my withdrawal is worse, because I did more drugs.

Doesn’t that help you have less reason to do drugs?

Why?

Because it makes you talk about it, which is probably the point because you did more drugs, so you need to share more truths.

^&%* you.

I don’t have to walk around my house worrying that I am going to get killed and then ending up almost killing myself.

That would have been the same thing either way.

What do you mean?

Me killing you is you killing yourself too, and I did kill you. I killed the version of you that was so ruled by fear it was afraid to look in the mirror.

You are an it.

I know I am an imaginary version of a stronger you that stands up for you in an imaginary world that is becoming your world by merging with your world.

So my world is becoming misery.

No my world is becoming earth.

Your welcome.

YOU don’t get a medal for not being an %^$&*%$.

Yes. This is cool. Rei seems to like me more now. I don’t talk about her that much right now, because I am insanely focused on the Diane situation, I told her I would handle it which involves me sitting up and talking to myself on the internet, but at least I have a friend and a family now, so that’s cool, and I think I am helping Amanda finally instead of just walking around talking about killing her enemies, that’s not very helpful, it just took 35 years for me/her to figure that out.

I’m/we/she I am confused too don’t worry. You can call me whatever you want, I will be whoever you want me to be.

Did you someone once told me that while being a very sexy line to say as an escort it is also a threat and serves two purposes. Nice one, right? Oh, the things you learn…

We kind of look like the same person, except she is female, and I think she is the person I am during periods of time I don’t have memory of, maybe she really is just an addict like me from another place, that somehow I am communicating with. It’s funny, my first thought was I make a good looking girl, and then I almost threw up.

I am still nauseous now..

Thanks, Amanda.

We can stop stroking our own egos now. It is making me uncomfortable.

Me, too.

Now, I understand a lot more about my life. I think we were just jumping from dimension to dimension blaming the other one for doing things we actually did, she is thinking to me right now she used to say Damien did it when she was a kid, which is why she almost got institutionalized and did get institutionalized a lot, because of the stupid Omen movie.

Okay want to hear something trippy?

I just thought about how a snake eating its own tail is a metaphor for me and Amanda stroking eachother’s egos. My first thought in response to that was, that’s nuts because of the obvious dirty joke. You figure it out.

I type in snake eating it’s own tail and it only shows me pictures of squirrels. I have not looked up squirrels in pexels. I am not kidding you. I think I am crazy.

I almost threw up when I read this.

Click me

This link explains in more detail the meaning of the name Diane, and you can feel free to check it out and draw your own conclusions, I am not sure what I think yet. I don’t the narrator is either. This is written in inspired stream of consciousness if you can’t tell yet. I get information as she does, and vice versa. I wonder if I am writing her story in a universe where she is the main character on my blog.

Nice panic attack right, Amanda?

How do you like me now?

Ouch. Tiny heart attack. Thanks.

I am helping someone, I don’t them, but they know me, because they made me up, and I think they are finally starting to like me, because now my life doesn’t suck. That’s pretty cool. I like them too, I guess. I don’t really know them. Thank you, Amanda whoever you are. Please help me find Rei?

I will.

Cool.

Well, that’s kind of awesome. I feel better and I can feel that they feel better. I think my daughter is still sleeping. I wonder if she thinks I am crazy because I don’t sleep that much.

She doesn’t.

Thanks. Nice to know.

I like this, the whole powerlessness thing is cool, but I don’t think this is how it works.

I don’t know, I only have 58? 58, I think days.

So do I. I know, I am why.

Okay. Thanks, jerk.

You are why, for me. Thank you.

Cool. Truce.

I go to recovery meetings at this church near the motel, and I do not know Joy’s history, because she doesn’t either, but I figured addiction is hereditary, so I am taking her with me, because I can’t leave her at the motel by herself anyway, because the motel is in my name, and the manager told me no.

I am insanely stressed out, I miss Rei and I think I am going to start crying so I decided to do this instead, because I don’t want to deal with my fragile ego, while trying to help someone. I do not think I could handle that. I am continuously astounded, by how revelatory stream of consciousness typing is. I can’t bring myself to press delete on any of this stuff.

It feels good to talk to someone even if you don’t know me, well I guess if you are reading this, you are getting to know me. I hope you don’t hate me as much as I hate myself.

Later,

Damien

I get tiny pieces… still can’t spell that word right… even though I know that whole I before e thing… whenever I write on here, I feel like everyone can see me the whole time, failing miserably at everything, but enough of my hissy fit.

I most of the time know am coming to be acquainted with what I think peace might feel like. I don’t know what it truly means to be at peace because most of my mind, is still a ranting chaotic mess of stream of can’t spell that word either.. I need to be less moronic.

I am starting to really like Diane, which scares me, terribly because I like her in a different non-obsessive way, that I have never felt before, and I think that might be because I am actually starting to like myself, a little. I don’t know though, the whole thing scares me.

I don’t want my claws ripped out.

I kind of like this weirdo. He is very strange. He is like a feral cat, that has no idea how to be inside or around anything that has eyes, and can see it. I like watching him while he can’t tell I am, because he is writing or in the middle of some sort of psychotic delusion. I don’t let myself laugh at him in front of him, because I am not laughing at him to be cruel. I think his behavior is cute in a way, he is like a chicken with no head, who I am putting a head back on, excuse the gruesome metaphor, but I think you must be used to that. I have looked over the other works on this site, and I am really glad I found him. Now if only I could convince him I am not out to get him, that people like him, and he is welcome here if he wants to be. I am not one to trap and cage animals, but my door is always open… because like him I am lonely, and my friends have all gotten tired of me.

I am like him, in case you are wondering, I am on and off with being in recovery, because I am tired of the mindless assholes, with meth burned minds, and desperate hands that have no heroic gestures, I have retired from that life, not because I don’t love drugs or alcohol, but because I am so lonely in that sea of morons, it makes it all not worth it.

Yours,

Diane

I am lone

I am glee at pain

Felt in vein

Because I hunger

For stains on

Created by rain

Of the blood of the slain of those in love

Because I have no doves

I wear gloves and I shove

Those who explain

That I need to connect

Instead I dissect and refrain

You are disgusting

And the ones lusting

I am pure in heart

Though my life is down drains

I entertain fellows

And eat marshmallows that drop in the rain

That is borne from my tears because I speak only of fears and of pain.

Ode to those in addiction

Do not create friction

From that you must refrain

Make kind gestures to fellows

And in that act the soul mellows

And a good life you will attain