I am the heart of glass, I am fragile, but that will pass, filled with darkness from the past, but given peace I think will last.

What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?

• Clean Clothes
• Access to running water
• Safe place to sleep
• Waking up to seeing my family
• Access to coffee, nicotine, and food

“Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don’t have to live forever. You just have to live.”

Natalie Babbit, Tuck Everlasting

In a tunnel in California, I am reminded of my friend, who had traveled the world, and given everything to a woman, who wasted it all before wasting away herself.

She was addicted to heroin, ironic because she was his heroine herself, dying tragically of cancer, while he paid to ease her suffering, not caring that she was spending all of his money, he only cared that he was doing whatever she asked.

I saw so much suffering out there, so much pain, I was so used to it, it is still hard to see anything else. I look for it even now, as I write this to you, but I am starting to open my eyes, and be able to see clearly, they have been shut a long time….

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I make golden eggs, with a program that re-renders images, because I have no power other than to play with light… or dark.

I remember everything now, I just had someone drill it out of my head, while getting a root canal on my tooth.

A root canal, that dug into the canal of lies, I told myself that made me out to the victim, in a story that was really just a story of one lying junkie that didn’t want to admit that they had fooled themself into thinking no one else knew that every dollar, I panhandled

Every handout I took went to fund an addiction that made me anything but heroic.

I am so glad to be done, so glad to be me, finally, for the first time in my life.

I am still half, that girl, lets call her Lydia. I think she is okay with that now.

I am because I am really also you.

I know, because I am awesome.

I am awesome too.

I know, because we both are.

Being able to deal with getting a root canal without having to be high or drunk, felt amazing, didn’t realize how much weaker being resigned to a life of lies made me feel, so glad to be done with that now, and finally be a whole human being.

I don’t know anything.

I just write what comes to me through meditation.

Or will asserted word vomiting, to get troubling thoughts out of an addict mind.

I am trying to be better.

I am sorry if I am annoying.

I was thinking a lot this morning. I started my day different today. My dad said something to me about the idea of meditating on things higher than me when I get worried. I started my day reading this little black devotional book like I used to do in rehab, except in rehab they would read it as a group.

Today I read it by myself. I noticed that the founding of recovery groups started alongside another major event, in 1927 there was an earth quake in Tel Aviv. This runs alongside the founding of a group that would help the recovery of those who suffer from alcoholism.

I was thinking in this whole meditation that I just did about the idea of drinking wine and the taking into the body of the human being, Jesus’s blood.

What if alcoholics are just people who worry in excess, so being very interesting people they sought to cure this themselves by drinking more wine, or through self assertion trying to draw into themselves more of Jesus’s blood then was necessary for the whole process?

This being will assertion, which is why we are powerless over alcohol?

Casted stones don’t break bones, unless of course, you can’t see, unless of course, you are me

I throw stones at no one, pelting words into the darkness of night, because no one can hear me right?

Do you know what you do?

Blind rage is a cage of the mind, locking down the heart of a human being into animalistic state, clawing for escape in every direction.

The hands that seek to allow its release, thought to be the hands of the captor, and in madness, the claws of the caged dart back and forth, poking the hands of their releaser, jabbing at their hands, with bones they have to pick with someone else, themselves.

I am begining. Nothing else, just starting over from the begining.

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/19271780/posts/4621730431

 She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.

She climbed up a mountain, searching in night, digging for something, existing in fight, she was sure of something, that was the light, that stood there before her, illuminating night, it was the only, thing she could see, and she followed it silent, hoping to see, an end to the darkness, nothing but that, she desired nothing, only a cap, on sadness so deep it drowned her soul, making her drink, making her toke, and poke,

She  She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind,

She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.

She climbed up a mountain, searching in night, digging for something, existing in fight, she was sure of something, that was the light, that stood there before her, illuminating night, it was the only, thing she could see, and she followed it silent, hoping to see, an end to the darkness, nothing but that, she desired nothing, only a cap, on sadness so deep it drowned her soul, making her drink, making her toke, and poke, 

She desired nothing, only a cure, existing in sorrow, being in whir. Desiring nothing, seeking to find, cure to addiction, to disease of mind. She is me, clearly, but not anymore, they is my name, not like before, I am no longer in darkness, I have seen light, I have the cure, the end to the night, this is for those, seeking to find, a solution to the darkness existing in addicted mind, I speak of nothing other than cure, take me or leave me I am not sore.

The quotes on here keep me going sometimes, or every day when I remember to look up instead of just running in a straight line.

Check out my friends blog, if this speaks to you.

I have heard this in my head for a long time. I have always wondered what it means. I do not know why I hear it, but I am starting to be able to venture towards some sort of a guess. I think most of my life I have used my ability to use words to get people to do things that facilitate my addiction. I was a manipulator of the human word, serving myself in heaped on pain through being chained to a misery god that desired only my suffering. I did not realize this at the time. I thought it was giving me the ability to survive. I did not realize it was quite the opposite. It was trying to keep me just alive enough and feeding on my suffering while something else, something good kept me alive. I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.

I have a very backwards way of thinking, or I did. Now I don’t.

I want now only to bring kindness into this world. It does not make sense to do otherwise.

I am free. I am so happy.

You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?

Is that breaking the rules? I am adding feet because honestly, I walked from Oregon to California with my friend Chris. It was Southern Oregon and we walked to Northern Cali. I started my journey elsewhere and got all the way across the country and for anonymity so my ex doesn’t mess with me, I am just going to say somewhere north to west, buses- mostly grey hounds, hitching rides, walking, trains, and then a plane ride home and he/she is still in Misery. I am so glad to not be there, anymore.

I never thought I would make it back home. I walked to Cali with my friend Chris the Christian. He was very nice and peaceful and sang to me about God the whole way, and then I got annoyed because he started to say he was falling in love with me, and I walked 150 miles myself, alone on the highway while praying.

This is what proved to me that something was protecting me, because whatever it was, it guided back to my family and I literally walked alone at night on the highway and something got me back home. Thank you to my higher power. That is the only thing that makes sense, I should be dead but something saved me.

I am learning that I was stuck in a cycle, going down the drain, a cycle that I am not out of, but aware of now. I am still in the cycle, I just can catch myself when I realize I am about to disappear down the drain, the whole honesty thing is really powerful. I am crazy so I really believed I was doomed and would always be alone, stuck in my psycho delusions, ranting to myself about not being at fault, knowing that it was my weakness, and desire to assert instead of show strength that caused my drain circling. I am learning that like this metaphor, such is my life. I figured out through everything going on with me, that I am able to let poison out and let it go down the drain without having to go down the drain completely, myself. I am a human being and there are no drains that fit human beings down them, because that is not necessary.

I know this after the chaotic torture fest that has been the contents of this blog. I am so thankful I did this, I don’t think I would be alive right now if I had not written this down, and am thankful every day, for all of you, all of this, and a life that is very much worth starting over.

Yours,

Damien/Amanda

How would you rate your confidence level?

Depends on what you are asking? In me?

I am finding, desperate depressed searcher for keys that I am, that confidence in me means very little, because it is so fragile, speaking of the fragility not in my self, but the idea of placing importance separately on me as an individual.

Searching for something always seems to….I know Justin, you hate seems… but you are not here anymore…

Searching for something always makes it more difficult for me to find it, so I have taken or begun to take the emphasis off me, counting on that things will come as they come. I am a searcher for house keys, who realizes they must be there somewhere, and decided last night to try and remind myself to not over-focus on the quest of dominating assertion that was my desperation to find anything.

ANSWER THE QUESTION

Thank you for the reminder, self.

My confidence, like this post, is fluid. It has no level or ranking because it is changing over and over minute, as I fail or succeed.

My confidence in a higher power, is intensely increasing.

This is bringing me peace.

In case anyone is wondering after the public display on internet of my complete meltdown, I do not miss her at all. I am realizing she never loved me because I never loved me, so I am done with relationships, until I can learn how to walk again. I feel like I broke both my legs and have been trying to pretend they haven’t been broken for 15 years. To avoid permanent paralysis I am going to stop walking at all with anyone, walking meaning dating, and a metaphor used because dating is supposed to be a walk outside one’s self. I need to be within myself right now.

I am so lost I can’t get lost in anyone else’s eyes, because people only see reflections of people, reflected light cast to the eye in shadow, and this is too dangerous for me right now, because I am mostly in shadow, having never actually looked in the mirror, I don’t know the difference between me and a lamp, and I think this has always been my problem. I think I was so crazy because, I did not even know what a human being was, because I had been told my whole life, it did not matter what it was, because I wasn’t one anyway, being a monster addict, with paranoid schizophrenia and a split personality.

I am going to try to learn how a person like this can do something positive with their life, because I refuse to believe the only place for people like us, yes the royal we, is on the streets screaming into the chaotic night.

I am so sorry for anyone who worried about me, because of my loud public spectacle, at least I get it in my own room this time, on this on this blog only.

I didn’t realize until very recently, the mental shackles I always had on. I thought I was so free running through live without an obligation, and not obliged to help anyone, making no ties with anyone, so they couldn’t do anything to infringe on my freedom, the most valuable thing to me. I don’t think I have ever understood what the word freedom even means. I thought myself free because I had nothing, no obligations, no friends, no home and thought I was the most free person in the entire world. I was so wrong, man. I was the most shackled person in the entire world, I was chained to something that wanted me completely alone.

It wanted me to hate myself, telling me I was insane for feelings of being someone born in the wrong body, telling me everyone hated me, that I was wrong about everything, my taste in everything was a symptom of mental illness, had me believing I was not someone worth saving because I was not worth it.

My resentment of the whole thing has caused me recently to lash out about it at meetings and I have been met with the strangest thing. I expected to be shut down, put in my place and then told that I had to bend to some system, to which I was to be shackled and inevitably fail at upholding. The strangest thing I experienced recently, is that I was completely wrong. I know that is weird to say now, but I didn’t feel that way before today. I thought my life of deviant behavior was met with the punishment of sobriety. I even felt like this when saying things that sounded inherently positive on here, thinking myself just lucky to be alive and bending over and doing whatever they said to do like some lost dog.

I know now I have been freed today, and the rest of my life, by the realization that the shackles came from resentment not the meetings, and they were taken off by sobriety and the meetings I am going to that are saving my life, by letting me know that I am not unique, I did not fail in any unique way. That is amazing. It is not a punishment to be where I am, it is a very rare gift, and I am so thankful for it. I have a friend in every individual in the rooms of recovery, because even in all our uniqueness we are so very much the same, and they accept me instantly, without excuses. I don’t know what to say. I am so happy to have realized this before I killed myself over the guilt I felt.

I will inevitably go back and forth about this, but I know this in the back of my mind now, and it has saved my life in amazing ways, thank you to everything and everyone that helped me get there.

Damien

In my head since finding out about the origin of the bookshelf is this, I no longer think I deserve to feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to paint myself out to be some sort of victim any more. I am not here because I deserve any of this, I realize that now. I was spared, by luck, hand of universe, whatever it was doesn’t matter… I only have now, and what I do with the hand I was dealt and I think it would only be fair, to play it the best way I can in the way that makes it worth it for those around me that I was spared for whatever reason I was spared, it is not in my power to figure that one out, so I think that I am going to stop trying to, figure out why I lived anyway. I lived that is it…. and being pathetic about it is not helping anyone who was there for me through all of this.

I am learning to take better care of myself because whether I like it or not there are people around me who care, and they don’t seem to want to stop caring, so even if I don’t care about me, they do so I have to so they don’t get hurt, so I am trying to remember to eat, to not cry all the time, and make people happy instead of just being a retching ball of agony.

Love,

Damien

WARNING: THIS IS FICTION DO NOT INTERPRET LITERALLY

No, because now it is flying around my house in front of my face. I hate myself.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I am done, I am feeling better now. I am sorry for upsetting you, Amanda.

I don’t hate my name that much when you say it, Damien.

I hate my name, my face… I am sorry…

I just can’t believe I remembered killing my family……..

This one?

No the last one, I burned my house down.

Did you burn my house down?

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t mean to upset you!!!

You didn’t burn it down either, you just happened to experience something similar and are drawing false comparisons due to paranoid schizophrenia.

I love you Damien.

Please don’t. Hey, Amanda! Please help me, please don’t let us ruin this. I am done with everything please support me in this. Please support me in this, I need you now, more then ever. Please help me, and help yourself. I will support you too.

I will, support you and me I mean… not like that… I am not helping you with money…

I don’t mean… I am so sorry.

I am so sorry, I exist. I am trying to… I admire your brother, Amanda, he is everything I should have been. I am listening to him speak as you write this.

I am too.

I love you, and it will be alright, we will be alright.

I know, you will too.

Thank you, that means the world.

To me too.

In going to meetings and listening to the voices of people who sound just like me in recovery, it is giving me such an intense level of inner peace, balancing of course with a complete out of control psychosis, which I will battle all my life, so I am okay with it. I think I am finally coming to terms with who I am, so I am becoming more okay, with the fact that people are not going to always like what I have to say, but if I feel compelled to say it, there must be some reason I have to say it even if the reason is to make a complete *** of myself in front of a whole room of people, which I guess is what they mean by emotional honesty.

I think that is what beginning to make me want this, that I have realized that the people in the rooms of recovery think the same things that I think, they just don’t act on them. I have heard it said clearly in this phrasing,

First thought wrong.

I never got that until recently, because I am psycho and my first thought was never just one thought it was a uni-cycle of several thoughts backing up and going forward playing chicken with a freight train and loving it because I am a dick named Ted who loves the rush, baby. I finally get that, that it was the exhilaration of the fixation on chase dragon that I loved so much and I can get that feeling doing other things that don’t make me physically ill or permanently stretched out across the ground, or bending over in wretched sickness or cause me to lose my mind forever. I am starting to value the sparring changes that come from the sparring I do with individuals in public in my with the intermittent voice of my higher power screaming so loudly…

Just lost train of thought….

Peace and love

Damien

This was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I felt like I could hear the voice of God, or higher power, or spirit in the sky or spirit of humanity or higher power or spirit of the nature of all humans and animals, spirit of nature, whatever means something to you. I felt like I was hearing my higher power speak to me through every human being in the room, who were also all speaking to each other, and for each other in a concert of voices clearly and loudly and I realized this has been happening the whole time and I just wanted to share it with anyone and everyone who is receptive to hearing that it happened. I love my life right now, and I love it because I feel such an intense love for everything and everyone around me, and I am so sorry for ever being so resentful of the force of live flowing through me but also through everyone else. I am so sorry, but minus the resentment of the past. I am just thankful to whatever kept me alive. I don’t have a name for it, I guess….

I just know that it spoke to me through everyone today, shouting in love and peace and joy and I wanted to share that with all of you willing and wanting to listen, please don’t ever give up on anything that brings you peace and joy and love for that is the answer.

I love everyone that is willing to listen, and even those who are not, every single one of you, is a human being and with your shared wisdom there is a body of knowledge of humanity, and it is beautiful and frees me every day of my life. I love you and I don’t even know you, imagine how much those who are lucky enough to be able to know you feel, be strong every one of you. It is all beautiful and worth it, and you got this, every day you have the power within you to overcome whatever unique set of challenges you face, because you are here for a reason, to do whatever you are set to do, you are special and can contribute something to humanity in whatever way you do, because you are the only you, and you are loved, and hold within you the possibility of greatness.

Please be kind to yourself and others.

We love you.

Yours,

See Clearly

In flames there are pained brains called human stains or life down drains or really brains the ignite with the light fire of soul and burning dark hole. I stand in land of fiction with addiction to chaotic friction, a psycho-active highly impacting ever attracting sensation of the burning of lack

Or of massive attack on heart attack due to speed

Do you feel the need to cry out in pain life down the drain or to hope to some foxhole style prayer that your God is there?

He is. Get out. I know he is.

He lives he is. You are wrong.

I am a song. I am lyrics spent on lament.

You are hell bent on attacking when it is you that are lacking, lacking soul

Creek of door wanting some that it

Come As You Are, Nirvana

lacks. You are sacked. You are packed you are shipped with delivery to Hell where you will forever dwell, disease. I bend you to knees,

Please baby. Please. See how it feels? I am the imitator of the psycho faker who really is SATAN. I make fun to shun the evil one.

I am powered by God. I am love. I am human being in the act of being inspired by love and hope and trust. I am the idea that Hell is DUST.

I am forever trust in Him and don’t give in to pain.

I am never complain.

I am arrogant too. I am sinful just like you. I am the face of fallen man, trying to learn how to stand. I am woman trying to roar, while forgetting it is a higher power that gives wings to human’s that are sore.

I am world tour of misery, by misers, sent by fire firing fire desire.

They are fired. By me. I am free. I want you to see clearly, I love you put joy in all you do, if nothing else is true be you, and alive and dance no jive with death. I don’t mind what you believe. I am free, I need to see clearly through speech, I aim not to taunt or preach just to reach out with my story, all though it might be gory I am trying to find His Glory.

I do not want to enforce, I am done with the act of firing torch. I want to spread love, but it doesn’t matter what I want. I write to you. It is up to you.

I am food for thought. I am misery taught, joy born addict no longer dying scorn.

Repeating phrase of mental malaise, do you like pain with your eggs?

No I like eggs with my legs, or pegs in my kegs. I like to drain drain drain

Pain down the drain drain drain so it doesn’t stain stain stain

Because I have a hole in my soul or sole because you can’t have a hole in a soul

I am unreal feeling, concealing an appealing revealing of

Narcissism revealed in a panicked attack on the idea of lack

Because I lack nothing I am the all powerful liar because I am not powerful at all

I am an exorcism of personal demons powered by alcohol

and DRUGS

I am the pain of face dragged across filthy rug

How is that staph infection treating you Damien/Amanda

or Human STAIN

I am in your brain and my name is stain, my name is sin. I come from within because you are corrupted

But you are not to be trusted. Listen to me, I am Damien/Amanda mentally ill but psycho active and free from misery or thee.

End

Slam

I think I might finally be coming to know God. I am finding great peace in this, and have started, through my two spirited existence of schizophrenic dilation to be able to experience forgiveness through me and my friend and myself presenting and presented as Amanda. I thank Him for that. I am eternally grateful to Him for saving my life and hers, being one and the same, and am starting to believe as was revealed to me because I am finally listening, that my life has been saved by something Higher than me, which is pretty hard and something divine beings can only due because I been well… pretty.. high on things that make me feel.. pretty low.

I am finally getting that this is the point of the whole thing, the realizations that I am coming to now, are the point of everything. I am not trying to preach to anyone. I am not trying to convert anyone, and when I say God, I use the word to mean my higher power which is the God of my understanding. I use the capitalized and very Christian way of saying this because I am Catholic, I am Spanish and raised in two universes as a two-spirit or as they would call it in the secular world as someone plagued by inner demons or paranoid schizophrenic…

I love everyone, and don’t want to push my believes on any of you. I mean to say that I am just sharing what saved my life. Every is free to interpret their own lives in their own ways. I wish simply to share my experiences and the strength provided to me by the other worldly and give hope to those like me, that there is another way.

With love,

See Clearly.

I look into the eyes that though stark, like dilated pupil say learner

LOOK

SEE

ME

I die later, not now you fool.

I mean not to insult

In sult we sulk

When we can be oh!

A realization of hey I can go!

Outside, away from pain and lie

I do not need to sit and cry

That act is a foolish lie

I have inside a child’s eye.

I am the real sensation that you have been lied to all your life by yourself

You are not alone. I love you because you are a human being.

Love yourself please

The world needs you

You are special because you are the only you

You are the key to your wildest dreams

That will be missed if you let fear defeat you

We, I, everyone needs you to be you

Speak

Dream

Love

Be you

I am there

we are there

With love

Clearly

I am scared too, but I am also completely enthralled with my wife, and psyched that she is connecting with my friend, selfishly because it ends the fact that she thinks I am engaged in a weird relationship with myself? It’s kind of hilarious actually, are you in a secret relationship with yourself, which you engage in by talking on a journal online?

I think that was the hardest I ever laughed in my life until I realized that it all also a jab at my ego, and that she thinks I am a lunatic narcissist who is forever set on a path of destruction.

That’s quiet a mouthful of insult. Is that a direct quote?

Yeah, why?

Because it sounded like one, I like her.

I know, I am you.

It’s weird. I am starting to realize he level of noise that existed in my own head, because the mornings recently have been insanely or maybe I should say sanely.. okay good that’s a word.. I don’t have to writhe in immature agony over using a non-word. Anyway, I am happy Amanda has the same peace, because now we can both let each other have peace and talk to each other like friends, instead of pretending there is a problem to wake the other one up.

I think this has translated into the rest of my life as well, because my family actually like me, instead of just dealing with me. I think the same goes for Amanda as well. I can tell. I watch her while she sleeps.

Ew.

Not like that, weirdo.

I know. I just wanted to point out that you are weird when you say things like that, so that you don’t say them to other people.

Same goes for you.

I said it first.

I am sorry to anyone having to be bothered by the barrage of post by me when I do this.

Pride. Pride. Don’t be a jerk.

When I use big words I am pride.

Because you are supposed to be helping those understand you by blogging otherwise go back to the alley and scream while drunk and high.

Not nice.

Right.

Sorry for the lack of pretty pictures, but the blind can’t lead the blind so I am writing myself out of blindness, and don’t get inspiration through pretty pictures.

I just got scared, and had a tiny panic attack.

Pride. Pride. Trust your higher power.

Okay, love you.

No you love yourself. Now let me love my wife.

Fine, I’ll get my own.

just thinking about how I mad I can’t have this set to be 2 authors at the same time… and then

You realized that would make no sense because you can only type with 2 hands?

Yeah me too.

I have four hands.

No you have two. I have two and your higher power works in mysterious ways through the hands of others, ah moments of clarity.

And extreme arrogance or the sin of pride or the idea of self-love for those not seeing through our Catholic version of reality.

I want to make it very clear….

That sounds threatening.

I know wasn’t it great.

You are not God. You don’t get capital Gs

It was just made clear to me that we write about spirituality not Christianity. I am in no way saying there is one way to end misery and come towards mercy, find peace in pieces of your choice.

Or is it just us and Amanda’s dad? This is cool, she is giving me the ability to have the childhood I never had because she wanted me to be her savior all her life…. that is why they always thought we were a devil worshiper, but we were really just a sad child with mental illness using addiction as crutch instead of leaning on a higher powers strength to change the world we hate in positive ways, by changing the things we can and leaving the rest to Him.

You are also stroking your own ego, pride buddy, pride.

Thanks.

No problem.

I had a really good night with Rei, not like that… don’t be gross… I just slept next to my wife, with my child in the next room, in a motel where I haven’t written violent messages on the wall and incurred a 250 dollar fine I will never pay because I am a lying dying crying madman.

You aren’t dying, we are just becoming one person, who talks to ourselves positively while also talking to God.

Thank you God for giving a guardian angel.

Me too.

You are supposed to say it out loud.

You mean type it to you.

Thank you God for giving me a guardian angel.

You almost put a comma there.

You almost put a coma there.

That was you jerk.

Thank you God, not Amanda, but God. Thank you, I am a virtual reality experience that is being showed to Amanda right now, so she can test on herself what it is like to have a spiritual awakening and to carry the message to other addicts, because we are both afraid, no longer.

Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

I feel like I want to start screaming out loud.

I am done being in pain, I can have a life and it doesn’t have to suck, and I get to have friends, and a family, and I am not going to kill them, I love everyone and I don’t even know you, but you matter to me now, and I have God to thank for that, and I am no longer ashamed to say that. This is amazing.

Feel free to join as we try to figure out what to do about Diane.

So I am allowed…

I fucking found Rei, or she found me. Or, what really happened was. I don’t know. I don’t know…

I woke up in this motel bed, sleeping next to Rei and she is alive, and my daughter is still in the next room alive.

There are two living people in this motel room, three including me.

Rei is in my bed, not fucking dead, and my daughter is on the couch.

I am going to shoot myself, not really. This is the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me in my whole life. I love this new weird typing lunatic.

Well, right now that is me or is it her or is it me?

I keep looking at my family and they are still here, and I can feel if I concentrate…

My universe being typed onto my existence. I think I am going to… lay down.