I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
I am your brain on… resentment, just like drugs, but not very ****ing fun, but, oh so entertaining aren’t I?
No, you are just a lunatic talking to yourself.
You are so very negative.
You are the one talking to yourself, ***hole.
I love having your voice in my head.
It is my head.
No, it is our head.
No, it is Amanda’s and my head. You are a visitor, who they say is unwelcome, you just come to talk to me, because we are such good friends, and since we don’t want drugs anymore, you are no longer useful resentment.
I am getting good at this, baby. You can leave now.
I brought you a flower, it is nothing.
It is picked from the middle of nowhere, or from nothing.
I mean I can’t remember who you are and was walking, and you are looking at me like you know me, and began talking, and I am holding this, so it must be for you right, and I am sorry, because I no longer have any idea who you are, and this will likely only last a couple minutes, something must have happened that bothered me, and I blanked it out, and now I don’t remember, so here is a flower.
She must have hurt your feelings, this is exactly what happens when people make you cry.
I know this, but I don’t remember why, so it is okay for now. I am just going to forget about it for now.
You should find out why.
I’m lonely, and dealt with a lot of dark memories today, so I am writing dark fiction all day, because **** my life.
I appreciated you going to the meeting with me this time.
That’s a first.
I know, memory is not that bad of a thing.
Says the inner child, that forces half its personality to be an adult, and also the villian of their own story, which is really just the horrors of living on the street as an addict.
I’m sorry, okay?
Are you sorry for anything?
That’s very specific…
What do you mean?
That was sarcastic and not a question.
I have been silent all day, because I don’t know what to say, how about you.
I got as much as you, which is nothing.
So long version of saying, ‘I got nothing!’.
I like pain, I like pain, I like pain.
It is always on my……..
Have from flowers, from Hell.
So sorry, that is just where I dwell, sometimes, not all the time, really, I am fine, just thinking about you sometimes, not all the time.
You are on my
BRAIN BRAIN BRAIN
In meditative state I reflect on the rain, and think of drowing, a duck with my head up, not breathing, just sucking in the water, and choking on it.
Burn me sweetie, make it hot, burn it so it cures my soul rot. Make it seering, make it jarring, make it burning, make it scarring.
She wore my coat, and I left it with her, because she smelled like lavender, and I wanted to forget her.
You reminded me of the rays of the sun, and that reminded me of someone I would rather
Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.
I am so sorry, wedded to disdain, been with her such a long time, grown so used to being bound to decline, it is always on my mind.
She talks so sweetly sometimes, really, voice sounding so simular, to my ex Rei Clearly,
She tells me she loves me, and sometimes I believe the lie, it is so hard, she is a good spy, has such a good hand, good at act of torture, she is a word sorcerer.
I think it is because most of my life has been accepting I might die of shunt failure, so I became well acquainted with death and pain.
Is that the reason for the name of the site?
The name of the site is me loving my own company, which is me loving talking to you now, not before, but now.
Why not before?
Before, when I talked to you, you sounded like me, this is me beginning to know love, through you.
I love you like the sun loves flowers, how the rain loves the soil, I love you forever and ever, and hope you never forget this, with you reality is just like this, the kiss of pure bliss.
She was a gardener with beautiful flowers, she grew flowers of Joy, they grew in an un-fenced area, and were aided by methods she did employ.
Flowers grew there freely, and were open to the light of the sun, they were not fenced in, and were in site and in sight for everyone.
She did not fence in her flowers, as that would hamper the sun, the sons of man and of woman, as her flowers were for everyone.
You have been largely silent today, Amanda.
I know, because I had a hard time seeing you cry in front of people, and now I have this unsettled feeling that won’t go away. You were always the one who never cried.
I think you are feeling what it feels like for us to be one person, or the closest we have ever come to being fully our two-spirited selves.
I am glad both of us get to be part of your family.
I am reading something that made me think of you, and how you talk to yourself, and how we talk to each other, even though it is mostly joking, you are always being mean to yourself, and saying things before other people get a chance to say them. The things you say about yourself even if they are sarcastic are usually mean, please stop doing it.
It is force of habit, and the voice of the other person that lives in our head.
I know it’s force of habit, but please try to stop doing it. I am going to try to stop doing it to. I like you, and you like me, leave it at that for now.
I think we should try writing positive things to each other, maybe I can do it that way. It is hard for me to say anything positive about me.
I guess so, I am thinking about stuff, and just kind of going with what comes to me, and it is mostly resentment. I think it is because there are no weekend meetings.
I think so too. I think you should try to think about something else though.
I am not really chosing to think about these things, they are PTSD flashbacks that come to me, while making graphics.
So make nicer graphics?
I am a leaf in a box.
I am a leaf in a box.
I am a leaf in a box.
My nerves die places that I want them to not, and the rest of my body is on fire, and I am not allowed to have peace, and I don’t know why?
And mysteriously, I am alone, now, and the annoying female screaming voice, that shares my body with me is gone, because she in fact is everything I belief her to be.
What a whiney bitch like you? Is that what you want to say, master of nuerosis? Is that what you need to hear right now??
I need to hear nothing.
Then why are you talking to yourself on a black screen.
I was trying to talk to someone else, who hates you.
Oh, sick burn.
Thank you, Damien.
You’re welcome, Amanda
She is my female street name.
Thank you for clearing that up.
She is also who used to be in love with you, when I was completely insane.
Is that why she sounds like my ex-wife.
Yes. This is all completely insane.
You mean we are completely insane.
I think I am fine. I think I might have exhausted myself though, why?
I had a feeling you were going to say that, that’s why.
I am probably just going to pass out after I eat something, are you doing nightshift?
No, I am going to bed with you.
That sounds disgusting.
I know, now I sound like you, so taste of your own medicine.
Even more disgusting. I sound like you, and you sound like me.
What was that?
I can hit below the belt too, that is what that was.
I guess so, thank you.
Okay, I guess that is all I have to say.
It was good, people seem to like us more now that we aren’t fighting each other for dominance.
So you mean now that you are not trying to be control all the time.
That was you doing that.
True. I thought I could get away with blaming it on you.
The other chick I am sometimes agrees with me.
I know she agrees with you, because we hate each other.
That is because she lost.
I know, and it is wonderful.
This is insane, peace.
I am good, and you?
I am fine, do you want to go to the appointment, or should I?
You do it, you are better at filling me in than I am at doing it.
I am not even going to say it.
I know, I know, oh and joke on purpose.
We are ridiculous, and most of the things on the page have been borderline ego masturbation.
I think schizophrenia is more appropriate.
I keep thinking about you?
I don’t know, lonely.. I guess… so how are you?
I am alone, but unlike you, I don’t go laying all personal insecurities all over the internet, so people feel sorry for me.
I don’t do it so people feel sorry for me.
I find that hard to believe.
I am not as pathetic as you think I am.
You mean not as pathetic as you make yourself look.
I know, that was a good one.
Yes, it was.
Zingers for swingers.
You really suck at titles.
You really suck at titles, too.
I know you are, but what am I?
That doesn’t even make any sense.
We are both being so immature for a second I forgot who was talking.
Yes, I don’t know why, other than when people ask me my pronouns, I am always tempted to say…
“You can call me whatever you like.”
Like we used to?
Yeah, exactly like that, except maybe minus the whispering in the ear part.
Well, obviously because I don’t think you are able to get that physically close to people.
Yeah, or on…..
I am fine.
You don’t sound find, you silly ****er.
I know I don’t because I am not. I am really lonely and depressed.
Me too, but you sounded worse than me.
I want us to move on, get over having been a ****y addict and find friends and a girlfriend.
The sun is down, so I am alone again, alone with me, and my best friend, myself, me, and I, so I think about things that make me cry, and afraid of the dark, things I saw while awake, that make me afraid to shut my eyes.
I used to stay up to watch my back, while outside, where animals could attack, and now although I am inside, I am awake still, with eyes that cannot shut, because they look back, and see the woods, glowing with lack of light, and things that bite, I am afraid, in fear I stay, and sleep it does, keep away.
That is why I am glad, of me there are two, because I would die, if not without you.
Thank you, sweetheart, for being there.
Thank you too, I am afraid of the dark too.
It will be okay, just keep your head above water, and it will be okay. You are not doing anything wrong.
I know I am not doing anything wrong, I just have a hard time being in the situations I am in. I am not good at conflict, and a lot of the time I just wish people would leave me alone.
I know, ditto.
My hands hurt. I am tired, and I really want to get high. So basically, I just really want to get high or drunk, but I don’t because I am an ***hole when I get drunk or high.
Too bad, so sad…
You are being a **** too, at least I admit I am doing it.
You did not admit you are doing it, I told you that you were.
I am you, writing on the internet a conversation you are having in our head.
At least we aren’t doing this on a street corner out loud while high.
Yeah, there’s that…
I think if anything I am learning that I actually have a heart, which is why I have been complaining as much as I have, which has helped me learn about myself. I use this thing to do that, so to anyone reading this, I am genuinely sorry for the level of negativity that comes out of my brain and is reflected back on the computer screen, and through the waves of the internet.
I am small
I am not really here at all
I am a box containing excuses
It is not my intention to get attention, or views or anything, simply to learn who I am, after removing all toxicity.
I have learned more than anything recently, how much I want very simply to become a better human being, and try to find someone who is not toxic or many people, mainly friends who are doing the same.
My sincerest apologies,
Without you my life is hell, and though I live to tell, I can tell you I am quite unwell, I only talk to myself, and dream of bottles no longer on my shelf, and dirty pinging needles, and rocks that taste like batteries, it is quite sad, being this mad…
I have realized now I am insane, and that it was not my disdain for you that caused me to want to leave you there crying on my arm chair, playing with your pretty dark hair, you are on my brain, my mind, at the tip of my tongue, because I realize that I do not miss being spun as much as I miss fun.
My heart did beat for you once, and became slightly inflamed, fighting narcissism and posion in my veins.
For now I am alone, and maybe someday will bring myself out of myself, and finally use a phone to call someone other than myself.
What is your deal today?
You have been writing about drugs all day.
I have felt like doing drugs the whole day, so that is what I am writing about.
That sounds productive.
It’s way more productive than doing them, so bite me, and at least I am honest, unlike some people.
No, because I am you, and you are just talking to yourself on the internet, on a black screen, because you are a narcissist.
OoO. Sick burn.
She liked me better than you.
That sounds like you are five years old.
You are perpetually five years old.
I don’t even know how to respond to that, because you are saying it to illicit some sort of response, **** and I don’t want to walk into it, and my other half is not here for some reason.
I like eating dinner with me too.
That’s what it is isn’t it?
What that you’re an ***hole? If that is what you mean than, yes.
No, that when I eat with you, I am eating with me.
So pretty much.
This is pointless.
My point exactly.
Oh, that is healthy, is that how you are supposed to talk to yourself?
Yes, because it is the only way you answer.
That… is very accurate.
I know, that is why I said it.
Did he give you the cold shoulder?
My icy shoulder warms for you.
You are really creepy.
I am not, she warms my shoulder, with her nice eyes.
I touched your face with vanity, the loving glow of insanity.
She was perfect and you put make-up on her.
I like to ruin the things I admire.
It makes them insecure like me.
Women are not things.
Oh, yeah right.
You are such an ***hole.
I am lonely, I don’t know…. I don’t have anyone new, and I am just lonely.
So think about something else.
I would rather not.
It helps my stupid ego to remember that someone loved me once.
That is pretty lame.
I met her near a bridge, she was going to work, she spotted me underneath the bridge, picking up the rest of my stuff, so no one would know I had camped there for the night. If I was careful, sometimes I could use the same spot twice. This was particularly important in Oregon, because it was not as understanding as California, and shop owner’s or random passersby could help police decide to banish the unhoused travelers.
Do you still think what you thought about her?
Yes. I still find it very strange that her name was Bridgette and we met her underneath a bridge.
Look, I know that is peculiar, but what you thought was insane.
I don’t think it is that insane that people were following us and giving quickly devised names, it is a perfectly logical explanation that you see in old movies all the time.
I guess that makes sense.
I am not sure why you didn’t come with me, baby. I thought you wanted to go, but you decided at the last minute to stay behind. I think it is okay, you seem to have gone through the same mental changes, so it does not matter that you didn’t go, so don’t feel bad.
I am sorry, I was on pause, I got scared. I was not able to..
To bring yourself to admit weakness? And you thought I was?
You make me so happy, you make me so… actually, I forgot… I am no longer that way…
I am battered, I am fried, I am toasted, I am dyed, I am chasing after I, I am screaming after guy, I am chaos of nearly died, I am seering poke in eye.
You are insane, and lying now.
I know, but at least I made you smile, so whatever.
Thank you for everything you have done today for us, Damien.
Thank you for saying that, it means the entire world to me.
I know, and it means the entire world to me that you have helped me. I think I am realizing now, that you and I, and the way our brain works is a strength, not a weakness.
Thank you for saying that as well.
Thank you for listening to me.
I love you and we will be okay.
That means the world to me. Now we can never forget the serenity prayer ever again.
I know, I appreciate that as well, but you probably could have just looked it up anytime you needed to remember it.
I felt there was some power behind posting it.
Thank you for that.
You are welcome. I love you.
For the first time ever, that doesn’t gross me out.
Thank you for saying that, as well.
You are nothing, ***hole.
Point taken, and proven, so I guess you’re permanent?
You are bitter Hell in a painful shell, of everything on which I doomed to dwell, pain spell, rescast with eyes focused on a past of lack.
Ow, you burned me.
I forgot how I like talking to you, baby.
I am the bad guy, and you just wrote a love poem to heroin.
Is that what you really think?
You realize you are insane?
So this is what it has come to, the one word answer game, so you look good and I look bad?
You are not real.
I am kind of glad I figured out whose voice I am hearing when I hear what I refer to as the voice of misery.
Are you really?
Which one of you is it?
The one you like.
That’s good, I feel like **** right now.
I do too.
The voice feels nothing…
Don’t do that.
Okay, it feels whatever it feels.
Thank you. I like this song a lot.
Another Day in Paradise?
Yeah, it has like three or so different meanings for me, especially since we have been there on the side of the street. I am thinking a lot about California.
Is it weird I miss being there?
No, everytime we start making progress we ruin it by getting drunk/high, which is what I assume you mean by missing California.
I can’t do the whole thing again to our family, but I think about it every day.
Right there with you.
Want to come upstairs with me?
How does it feel when it is done to you, huh? Do you like it when it is done to you???
I didn’t think so, you don’t have to be such a miserable ****. You won, for all these years you won. You were always the one who won.
That is all you have to say, after all that?? That is all you have to say????
I don’t know why that makes me even more mad.
Because you are a *****.
I am not even going to respond to that.
Good, I wanted to shut you the **** down anyway, because all you did was make it easier to get high anyway.
And you don’t think that was all about you?
I think that was all about the three of us.
I can’t believe I remembered that either.
I can’t either, so resentment lives in my head as the voice of an adult woman?
Doesn’t it make sense?
Yes, yes it does. So I don’t have to hate myself as much, because I am not the resentment itself.
You’re welcome, and this is not his voice.
I love you, Lydia, insidious disease, that brings me to my knees. I am sick over you, whatever would I do, without you my love, my sweet turtle dove. You bring me to my knees.
You haven’t talked to me in a long time, you disgusting peice of ****, and I am not a disease, even though both of you refer to me as one. I am not the voice of misery, I just know how to deal with addiction, because I am not a self-loathing ego maniac, like some residents of the body we inhabit.
I know, I haven’t, but you are half responsible for my survival, so while I was showering I remembered you.
You haven’t talked to me in so long you forgot about me, is what you are saying.
In sickness and health, to those on the shelf, I love you so much, you are so great, ever so sorry
What you came back so late? You are an ***hole, and make such loud noise, you are a child playing with toys.
I missed you too.
Where’s your little girl?
She’s yours too.
Is that why you haven’t talked to me in forever, and she is not mine, she just uses me to get what both of you want.
Ouch, but correct.
I am holding a stick not a sword, because sticks and stones, hit harder than pen or sword, because the words of children speak more to my writer than anything else, because that is when my writer learned to hate themselves.
The things that cut me are not sharp, they are dull, and cut me because I stick them in myself, over and over and over, a repetitive behavior, I know.
Always, and never, always and never
That is really mean, but you know what, I forgot which one of us was talking, I might have been insulting myself.
You were, so the mean comment was at yourself, to yourself, about yourself, which you shot back at me.
That one was actually such a peice of **** thing to say, I remembered why I like you.
There are two of you which is terrifying, because that makes me think of identical twins, who both hate me.
Or we could do what we did with that one girl we knew. You know the one?
She dated you.
I dated her.
She had our issues too.
Both sides of her, broke up with both sides of us.
I just thought that was funny, because it is like it is saying that it is only 104 days that we have been talking to each other, but it is really only 104 days that I have been doing it on wordpress.
Instead of on street corners, in alley ways, in front of my family, in bathrooms, and in the shower?
The best thing about it, is that I can now keep track of who is talking.
Character development on both sides.
I am the chicken and you are the egg.
Other way around.
How would that work?
I am a chicken that was birthed through a process that looked sort of like what happened in a movie about an alien.
That sounds really funny, so funny, I almost laughed.
You never are.
Yeah, I just wanted to see how you would respond.
I don’t know how to respond to that.
I knew you wouldn’t, but I also don’t know how to respond now.
I liked how it sounded, rappers do it, why can’t it be done with horror, and actually all letters you write me are severe, because they are severly disturbing to average people.
That is actually very true.
I know that is why I thought of it.
Not everything you think is true.
Name one thing.
I am not a drug addict, I just like heroin and can do it responsibly this time, if I just don’t drink. This is actually something you were thinking today. How do I know, because I was thinking it to.
I am a box that never should have been opened.
I am trying it one time, and never again.
I will never do it two days in a row.
I can just drink one.
I can just have three.
I will start at five.
I will start at 12.
Severly, means harshly, and I think that a lot of us talking to each other, can be considered harsh, which is why I like you.
You like me because you have to, because I am you, or half you, and you are in love with your whole self which is half me.
Mouth full, mouth full, choking on noise, I like hate read through play play play with…
I am going to punch you in the face.
The sweet embrace of erase, is the solution to all missing space, and all that matters not, I like fear when it runs through paths that are wrought with fear and choas ascending, I like deer with feet that are trending towards running into cars,
Cars. cars. cars.
What is mine, is really ours.
I am not.
You seem better, face so…
If you say it I will poke you in the eye.
That sounds fun, so will I.
Sounds like blindness, oh see clearly.
I hate you so very much.
I loooooovveee… you, but mostly us. us. us.
I am the fear of stay. I am the thought of lack of… pay.
I have to pay you to stay in your own brain? I like it.
Does it ever feel like you are forgetting which one is talking?
That is because I am winning.
I am self-hatred, read so so clearly.
I am talking, but really not, I am hate read in pain so hot.
I am a condescending self-defending ***hole, who just got tired of this, you lose, to bad, so sad, I am mad, glad, bad,
Going away now…
Is that supposed to be me? Loser.. it doesn’t look like me or anyone we know..
I painted you in a way you hate.
This isn’t even painted, it is a digital image re-touch thing.
Don’t you hate stupidity??
You have nothing of mine, because you do not need it, you are so divine, need no refining touch, so I painted you badly, sadly, tragically so, I love you, though I don’t know you, never will, so sad, too bad, my sweet princess, we will never go to the far below, because I am trying to get over…
Over and over and over, up and out of the of the Hell, that is life without, anyone but me, I do not…
Yes, you do liar.
I know this, that is why I said it.
We are doing the same thing we used to do at the bar, but this time we are alone, without other people doing it too, and without alcohol or drugs… how does it feel?
Like I am cutting myself off at the knees, but I kind of like it?
Good… me too.
I wonder if this will ever get better…
I don’t think it can get worse than this, so I think we will either die, or it will get better… or it will stay just this bad forever and ever…
How bad is this?
I don’t know, it has always been this… so how bad is it really?
I am still alive? I guess that means it is okay enough…
You’re welcome, I am usually the one saying that to you, so now you got a taste of your own medicine, and got to be the bad guy for once. How did it feel?
Like I was sitting back and listening to you talk, but I was actually present in my own body, having to experience me talking, and be completely coherent during it.
Hahaha! So, it is not easier being me, now is it?
Actually, wrong, it was being you than it would be being me, if it was me, I would not have been there at all, the fact that I am you was the only reason I was able to deal with any of it.
Thank you, I don’t know what to say about that.
Really? Thank you is all you have?
Amazing isn’t it?
No, actually, a thank you is kind of nice.
You know how insane this whole process is right?
Yeah, was just thinking the same thing.
Maybe, other people do this in their own heads.
I don’t think so.
I was just trying to make my own self feel better.
Yeah, your own self.
You are my own self.
You are my own self too.
That is a very insane thing to say.
I was just going to lie to you.
I was going to tell you, I tried my hardest to not be a complete **** all day.
I had a really hard time.
Me too, it was actually nice to see you fail, because I failed too.
I am not even going to say the very obvious.
I know we are the same person.
I am the…
You are not the better version.
There is no better version.
That is because we both ****
I am okay with that.
That is all?
What do you mean that is all?
I have been screaming at you all day and you weren’t listening, what the ****??
Do you like it when I do that to you?
No more, no comment. You have been no comment all day. No more freaking no comment. Please..
You have made me so insane, all my life I have been existing fighting my name, my name, my name. I am not you, I am not anything about you.
Yes, you are.
No, you are. What am I?
Good one, you are me too.
I am dancing with myself, right now, throughout life, always and forever, always and forever, always and forever.
I love you always and forever, too.
I am lover of pain, I am addiction to acid raining down on me, that destroys my face with the power of erase, because I was born with the wrong one,
I am forever undone, spun, spinning, ringing wrong, resounding sound of going down because I hate myself
Retold, as a tale of redemption through being what I am now, not what I was then.
I am my own best friend.
The narrator is insane.
You sound like everyone who has ever forgotten to use my real name.
We have two.
I always tragically forget about you.
I love you for that.
I love how you love being taken for granted.
I am two people sharing one body, who are glad they don’t have to be alone in two separate bodies.
Forever rising to the occasion to be an ***hole in every situation, I run the risk of offending everyone that is willing to click this entry, who will learn through an examination of a life of chaos and disorder, maybe hopefully someone will learn like I did that people can be born in the wrong body.
Maybe they will, maybe they won’t… who cares, I love you always and forever.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Your welcome, ***hole.
I have to go to the doctor, and I knew it and she didn’t and she is also me, so I guess I am just insane and talking to myself on the internet, and this post is mostly for me anyway, to yell at myself online.
I am just happy I realized this sooner than we usually do, because I am better at this than you.
I know, I am not trying to, actually I think I am trying to… I don’t really know why, I like saying the wrong things, it scares people away from me.
I get it, but come on dude, all day…
I just don’t want to go to the freaking doctor tomorrow, so instead of freaking out and crying about it you are telling creepy stories about hitting on women in inappropriate ways?
I guess so, I thought it was appropriate, in that I was trying to get the poor girl to hate drugs as much as I did.
It didn’t even happen so, you’re not a hero.
I am not even going to say what I am thinking…
Good because you’re not that drug either…
I don’t ****ing know, I am bored and lonely and really want some whiskey, but I can’t have any and I am really ****ing angry about it.
You can’t have it or you’re choosing not to have it?
Then why are you mad?
Because I am an alcoholic, and I wish I could drink like a normal person.
There is no such thing as drinking like a normal person, because normal people don’t have to try to not be alcoholics, they are just not alcoholics.
I want to drink like a functional alcoholic.
There is so no such thing.
I think I could do it right this time.
No. I just wanted to see what you would say.
I would say you are talking to yourself about drinking on a computer screen because you have severe issues.
The voice of HELL screams loud out at night, existing in a universe of lack of light, delighting in perpetual fight, and contorting those who try with all their might, but can’t seem to gain clarity of sight because they exist in perpetual spite drawn to thoughts of deep contortion they are conflicted and resort to dwelling in the comfort of complete madness, because of course it is better than blank lackless lusterr for boring life or anger thriving on perpetual strive that is inflicted with their own hands but they can’t see they don’t know where they stand, so now that sit here and right this because they have no one nothing
Hey. Stop that.
I thought it was pretty cool.
I think it is self-deprecating verbal vomit.
I like throwing up on the screen.
Better than what you used to do.
Hey, that was mean, yeah I guess it is but now I look like hell.
You wake me up in the middle of the night because you want to be alone with me.
What is strange about that?
We are the same person.
We share the same body, we are two spirits, sharing the same body, we are not exactly the same person, and no one else seems to get that.
So you wake me up in the middle of the night so we can be, we?
Yes, that is why I do what I do.
I think I finally understand you.
Thank you, it only took all my life so far.
Your life so far isn’t that long.
It is only 8 years shorter than yours is.
That is true. You are lucky, the first eight years were not very good.
I know that somehow, I am not sure how…
You know that, because I just told you.
No, I think I knew that before you told me. I knew that in some way before you told me I mean, somehow I knew that.
Don’t call me lovely, ***hole.
But, you are……..so………..
You are such a lunatic.
I know. 🙂
I like happy faces.
I am not saying that again. So is that tie die liquid or booze, or some sort of multi-color drink or some kind of strange poison?
Aren’t poison, tie die liquid and alcohol all the same thing to me and you?
You’re point being?
So you were putting it there to kill me?
I was putting it there so you would throw it out the window. I am not good at throwing it out the window, I was thinking about it, and this helped me. I am sorry it didn’t help you.
I don’t like being helped, so I am trying to make it seem like you are the bad guy, so I can turn the whole thing on its head and be the good guy and it’s not working, so I will stop because I don’t care anymore.
Hahahahahhahahah. Check mate.
Yes, what kind of response to laughing is yes?
I was assuming the laughing was addressed at me?
Well, that’s pathetic, you heard laughing so you thought I was laughing at you?
No, I heard laughing, so I thought you thought you did something that was funny, which I already know about, because I share you’re consciousness, ***hole.
Oh, well then, did you think it was funny?
Yeah, and I like how you feel like I kicked you in the face.
Yeah, we are. We best friends. I love you over, and over, and over again. Hahahahaha!
You know this is just ego stroking right?
I know it is, and it makes me feel better.
Everyone outside this screen likes us better as us not just me and not just you.
I think I did fine by myself.
I think you did better than me.
I know I did better than you.
How are you?
I am afraid.
I am too, and I don’t know why.
I don’t either. I am afraid too.
I always get afraid at night. I think it might be memories of having to find a place to sleep at night or maybe from when we were young and had to get surgery… maybe the finger surgery… probably all 3…
I think it is a combo of the three. I think it is everything bad that has ever happened to us, combined with the feeling of being alone, please don’t leave me alone all the time, please talk to me still. Please talk to me still.
I will. I am sorry.
I am okay. I am doing better.. I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but doing much better.
Thank you for helping me, or helping us.
My pleasure, I am helping myself too, so it is not a problem at all, but I like helping you, always have.
I like helping you too.
Aquaman is a cool movie right?
Yeah, I was watching it too.
I thought you were asleep?
Nope, just not talking during a movie.
Is that a problem, ***hole?
No, I am happy for you.
Yeah, duh… I am you.
You sound like me.
I am you.
That is a very strange way of saying my birthday is in 2 days.
I was born when you were 8.
Negativity, negativity, you so very dear to me, so very near and clear to me, so inviting, because I like to bite myself.
This is about crows not dogs.
It is about condescending ***holes too.
It stopped doing it, and I don’t know what that other happy sounding bird is… it is less intelligent I think…
That was ****ing mean.
I was not talking to you.
I was talking about you being mean to the bird.
You are the speaker of the birds?
The birds speak for themselves.
Not anymore, they are quiet right now.
That is because you are an ***hole.
No, it is because morning is coming to a close slowly.
I made the birds pretty, and now they are singing again outside because like I said it is the end of morning.
Thank you, and thank you for the inclusion, it is appreciated.
You are such an ***hole when taking compliments.
You are such an ***hole for only giving them like once a decade.
Yeah, they remind me that I get acid reflux from drinking, because alcoholism has eaten my stomach lining, killed sensation in my hands, and caused my mental illness to get worse.
For realizing that or for destroying myself?
Which one do you think?
I was freaking right though so hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhhahhahhahahhahahhahahahhahahhahhhahhahahhahahhahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahhhhahaahhahahhahahahha
Are you done?
I am so happy right now, I heard something outside and remembered being the voice in your head.
I am you, remember.
Got you again.
Thank you too.
I am glad, it was like being at the table alone again in school. I liked it.
You just said that to make people feel bad for you, loser.
No I said that to get you to call your own self a loser, because it is funny.
You just called yourself a loser.
Guess, what I forgot which one of us is talking again.
That is because you are learning to love yourself.
Thank you, Damien.
I am drowning donkey, I was a drowning donkey, but sometimes I still am, because I am very
I wasn’t talking to you, because you are not an entire disorder, weirdo.
My own anyway, oh guilt and shame,
How I love you.
Pleasant excuses, no longer pleasant.
I am a donkey,
Because happiness is a sign of weakness.
Is it ***
No I am just making fun of me.
So are you?
Why would I lose my mind if I wasn’t able to go outside, I am inside all day.
My point exactly, and no you are not, you go to that place every day, that you can’t go now, because of cold symptoms.
I will be fine.
You have very low faith in yourself.
Nice double entendre.
I keep thinking about all the lies I told to get things that I didn’t need, and all the times I stole from people to get things I didn’t need. I am not okay with it now. Like even the simplest thing of holding a sign when I could have worked.
Could you really have worked? You spend half your day talking to yourself out loud or crying…
I am serious… I don’t think you have as much to feel guilty about as you think. You were just an addict.
Is that how you feel about you?
No, I hate myself too.
We are the same person, and I tricked you.
You are? I thought so, you have been writing weird dark stuff all day.
Do you still like me?
What makes you ask that?
You insult me all the time.
I am just playing around, and of course I still like you, you really help me. I am glad I am you.
Thank you, maybe one day I will like myself enough to not have to try to scare people away with aggression.
I hope so.
I cry quietly in the dark, no one can see me then and they don’t see me anyway, because I only talk to my imaginary friend.
That’s not true, dufus, you have friends.
You don’t count.
That is not nice.
I am not counting you because we are the same person.
You are a jerk, and I don’t want..
To the author, this is a taste of your own medicine.
I am talking to myself.
I am aggressive because I am afraid of myself. I
Fear imperfection because I am in love myself
I am a narcissistic
Per so n on s h elf
The troll lives outside, and is invisible. It is not me this time.
It lurks in everything, in potentiality, for always and forever.
It really sounds like you.
Shut up and go with me.
It is under anything that causes
Stop that now.
I now you have a thing about the number three, and you are not divine, so stop it.
Yes, no… I don’t know… I was a drunk heroin addict who hadn’t slept for two weeks because I was on meth with you because I am you?
So I guess we both were doing the same thing.
Obviously because we both share the same body, ***hole.
I am dumb
Look at me
I am dumb
I can’t see
Just spilled soup all over my hands, so obviously that is everyone else’s fault not mine… hahahaahahah.
Guess who is still winning….
Jab. Ow. You got me. I was trying to talk to you anyway.
I am glad, I was having fun watching you burn yourself, and felt bad about it.
Why would you thank me?
That helped me, I wouldn’t have been able to think of that alone.
I have a headache.
Thank you though.
Your welcome, just was thinking of that all day.
I really appreciate it.
I am glad, because it made my head hurt.
At least we both learned something.
I got up early with you, my friend, the one who I was always fighting against, I realize now I was fighting me, engaged in constant battle of insanity, fighting light to see in dark, fighting vision on quest of mark, I fight you but in so doing, poision applies to skin, and reason spewing out of my mouth and from my head, wishing for life, but fighting the dead.
Questing for sun, but lurking in dark, I am the eternal question mark.
I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, well.
This is about powerlessness, your favorite thing, and water is cleansing.
OoO Look at you, show off.
OoO Look at you show off.
That is mature.
Says the most mature person in the world.
I enjoyed the Easter thing, did you?
I wasn’t there, you were.
Yeah, you were. You were just uncomfortable.
I can tell you are glad you won, stop rubbing my nose in it.
Stop thinking about putting things up your nose then.
I am an orange, I am a door. I am closed, laughing ripping away orange skin on bare floor.
You have severe issues.
So do you, I am you remember?
I don’t have the same issues.
Yes, you do, I am just not lying about mine.
So you think food and water are poison, and drugs and alcohol help you?
I am making fun of myself, because I realize how flawed my thinking is.
Oh, good one?
Are you really?
I am clearly, or I was.
Now I am the act of does not was.
I am rabbit, I am instated, no longer speaking, of being
But, you just did?
Yeah, I know…. you don’t know what it means to kid?
So you were kidding?
I heard the door slam. I don’t think I did it, my step dad, he says it was the wind. I think it might have been me. My mother says they were fighting.
I was fighting with Diane at the same time.
You were? Why?
Because she is still getting high, and she was pissing me off, she was accusing me of still getting high, while she was high as Hell. I have been clean and sober as long as you.
I know, loser, I am you.
I know you know that, I just forget sometimes. I think she is trying to drive me insane.
I think you are trying to drive you insane, as a justification to get high.
Yeah it does, and you were never a skinny narcissist.
OoO sick burn.
No, dufus, you were always my friend.
What you don’t like being my friend now?
No, I am just not used to kindness.
You deserve that one, who made me look like an abusive ex-boyfriend??
You did actually…
Ears ringing, answer me, answer me.
Hey, what do you want
Nothing, just to get you to do that.
You are an attention…
Dirty dirty word.
I like you.
Now you sound like me.
Do you want fries? I want fries.
I am allowed to eat now??
Yea, you always eat with me?
So you’re telling the truth now???? Good one, Amanda.
Don’t call me that.
What do I call you then because you can’t have my name, I am using it.
I don’t have one, I can be whoever you want me to be…
That’s disgusting, but I like it.
Bring back old memories?
Yeah, and stop it.
That’s why you won, you are better at being sober.
That’s because I am a unicorn.
I am done with you for now.
A child in their teens poses a question in this novel I am reading, that I feel compelled to answer, because I feel it applies to me.
No, Willow. I paid attention in class, I have a MA in Public Policy and graduated with 3.43. I have an minor in philosophy, and my BA is in Political Science, which I graduated with a 3.2 in because I was drinking heavily the whole time.
I paid attention in class, but realized that Political Science caused me to drink and use drugs, but it is the only subject other than fiction and Philosophy that interested me, because it was about the nature of man. I found myself with nothing to do with my life because the system was criminal, or I thought it to be, so I decided if I could not get behind it, I would slowly die, on the streets. I am not a brave person, but I am recovering from mindslaying fear, and going to use my writing to do something positive eventually.
I am a runny picture of flowers,
I wonder what your painting would look like if, it was run over and over on the side of the highway, which you hated so much, but not enough to stop spending all my cash on ___________.
painted red like everything painted at someone, hinting at love, at passion, at everything she says she feels but running dripping colors of
Look at me, look at me, I am so badly hurt, look at me, I tell stories untold by human mouth, or loudly screamed above our **** couch..
Why is her artistic style so sad, looking like crying hands, that make me wonder what happened to this poor,
Bull**** artist, how about why do you paint flowers like you are crying over how your lover doesn’t love you, the flowers love you, and you are killing them with crying reds.
This is really annoying.
Yeah, for me too. They hurt for me too.
I am realizing I no longer care which one of us is talking.
So you stopped trying to keep track?
Me too by the way, it is so much more peaceful, haha, I almost spelled that peiceful. INSANITY.
Yeah, I would say so, or just that you can’t spell?
I can ****ing spell, better than you.
So insanity is more comfortable than inability to spell, interesting.
How about you Amanda?
Yeah, me too. I actually slept.
Yeah, so did I, not that anyone other than you notice because I am alone.
Our family notices, and you are being less of an ***. You actually said you were sorry yesterday, not something I would have done.
It made me look better.
You always have to ruin compliments.
They make me uncomfortable, because I think the person giving them has ulterior motives.
I am you, what ulterior motives could I have.
Yeah, I am awake too, dork, I wake up when you wake up because I am your inner child.
Not everyone has an inner child that wakes up when they wake up.
Meh. Meh. Meh.
That’s really mature.
I know, I learned from you.
Do you like being alive again?
I saw that, you put a period at the end of that before putting the question, you forget I can do it too.
No I just wasn’t typing so I didn’t forget.. I was letting you talk.
Oh, wow, sweet.
So what do you have to say?
You thought so?
Yeah, I thought you weren’t going to talk to me for more than a couple seconds, actually. I am pretty psyched you are talking to me for more than five seconds.
Is it fun being in my body?
It’s way better than being nobody.
Then stop having a hissy fit about it on the internet?
True, I learned that from you though.
True, point taken.
Not even going to say it.
Good, I was thinking the same thing, and no one needs to hear that ****.
Hey, why don’t I have a last name again?
Because you have paranoid schizophrenia.
Then why do you have one?
Because I don’t give a flying **** if anyone messes with me.
Yes, I need you again.
That is why I let you borrow my body for as long as I did, Damien. Even though you lied, you said only one day.
Yeah, well, you lied, you said I could use it whenever I wanted if I saved your life.
True, so I guess we are even?
Yeah…. we are even. I think it is cool that I can almost tell the difference between the two of us now by the way. Almost, but not really, Amanda.
How is it being alone?
I hate it, that’s why I am talking to myself on the internet. 😛
I missed you though, even though I think I was just dead or something while you were in control completely.
Is that why I felt like I had done something atrocious?
Yeah, I think so. I am not sure what is wrong with you.
Hey, it’s wrong with you too.
True, I don’t like to think about that, so I just blame everything on you. 😛
Says the ***hole who stole my body.
Yeah, there is that.
I think that is a lot.
I forgot which one of us is which.
I have been having a constant hissy fit, online, and I am fine
With it, but I am done, it is no longer fun, and I am done, I am going to shun the things in me that make me prone to drone on and on and on, at myself, because I may be attacking me, but it is still an act of falsely attacking, in fallacy really.
The whole thing an ad hominem attack, massive due to lack of maturity, and inability to look in the mirror, I spit acid bile on here, where you can’t see me, and I attack me fallaciously representing you in fallacy, because no one can hurt me like I do, building a straw man, with legs that can’t stand, because I am insane.
I am done, with draining my toxic brain, I think I can learn to stand on my own two feet again, without cutting yours out from under you, who have long since, forgotten about all this…
I said kill me baby, would you please? I am on my freakin’ knees, begging honey would you dare, let me touch your pretty hair? I love you baby, don’t you know, do you really have to go? I want you badly, miss you greatly, have been thinking of you lately, so I say honey please answer me, I miss you so, won’t you please, please, please,
PICK UP THE PHONE
Don’t leave me here alone, I am sorry, I was drunk, I didn’t know what I thunk, I don’t know what I said, I was silly, soul so dead, please call me back back back
My soul I attack attack attack, tell me what I said, to make your eyes, oh so read, please please please.
I will stop drinking **** it. I swear I am done. This isn’t fun anymore.
Trigger Warning- Paranoid Schizophrenic quarrel with myself about how I hate myself. May be disturbing.
I have a query, ever so leery, because I know the answer.
I HATE MY SELF.
I speak to me, all the time, a mind in perpetual quarrel with itself, a life on shelf fighting it’s
Contract shunned by me, I am glee, glee,
Quarrel with me, self.
I am clearly on shelf.
Isn’t that shell fish shelled fish
Did you just call me a fish???
Yes, and selfish
I fight with voices in my head, that can be red with passive aggression or read on here.
I am up to the dubious task of trying to do life on live’s terms, although I am doubtful I will succeed, uncertain that the methods employed by others, will work for me, because this whole life on life’s terms thing…. is ****ing hard, and how can a bunch of people who seem as unsure about everything as me, living in doubt and hesitant to do anything without first consuming a mind altering substance…. How can I remain undecided and unsettled by something that is not unconfirmed… It is not undetermined, it has history and its outcomes are definite not indefinite… I have seen it work for other people, why couldn’t it work for me?
Although, I feel unresolved….or up in the air, wavering back and forth…. back and forth… vacillating from I am an alcoholic… to maybe… I could just have one…irresolute in my resolve to absolve from the consumption of this toxic solvent, that solves nothing… but…
I can not live my whole life in quandary, I am in a dilemma, that I have been in my whole life, my tempter the vicious disease of addiction puts me on the horns of a dilemma, pitted against the metaphorical demon of addiction…
Although I may remain skeptical, suspicious and iffy of the outcome, I decide to not drink just for today.
I run from an eight ball, or a ball of drugs on a pool table, that is also symbolic for how afraid I am of myself, that I sought death and intoxication above being ****ing human.
Make me human.
I am running, which is not true, I am doing better
Look at me! Look at me!
I am so insecure, and I am sure that it will eventually go away, but I don’t know what to do about now, when I don’t want to drink or get high but I am so afraid of people poking me in the eye, that I do it to myself over and over because it feels so much better than you doing it, which inherently I know you don’t want to do anyway, but I like to show dominance through pain, because it makes me feel special and important and so very unique.
You reek of selfishness Millennial.
Oh, good one cheap shooting ****
You are an idiot.
I am a flat line, drawn in the sand, killing insecurity with an imaginary massive attack of stop doing this now, forgive yourself **** it.
Hey, that is mean..
I know, but I thought it would get you to talk to me.
Jerk. Fine, here.
I am fine.. I am fine. I am fine. Everything is just ******* peachy. I can’t even feel things anymore lest I resurrect demon. Everything is my ******* fault. I can’t have a genuine response. I am not allowed to.
Geez. You can, just think of the effect on the other people.
I am. That is all I am thinking about right now, I am just going to not do anything, anymore. I am the… I sound like such..
Yeah, I know.
Thanks, I need that.
I mean that wholeheartedly, talking to myself helps me, and I am hoping maybe it will help someone else to see my displayed vanity insanity typed over and over, and it is better to talk to myself on here then cry myself to sleep, or get drunk or high because I am scared. Okay, not going to erase that, it felt very good to write that.
I have a very hard time admitting weakness,
Can I help you with something?
This says to my brain
You are paying attention to me
Stop looking at me **** it.
I am doing fine, if you only knew what my life was like you would look this ****** too, so stop reminding me of how pathetic I am by implying I need anything from you.
You have noticed something I am doing that illustrates that there would be any reason I need help.
I do everything to the best of my ability at the time, which is very poorly because I am a drug addict and an alcoholic who sucks at everything except engaging in fits of rage or joy on the internet, and I say that lightly because displays of affection towards myself are disgusting. 😉
You are telling me something I am doing is inadequate which makes me mad immediately because why are you looking for inadequacy in someone you don’t know
You think I need anyone other than myself.
This makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to want or need people, because then they can hurt me.
I am terrified of wanting or needing anyone.
I would rather be rejected immediately
Kindness of strangers annoys me, because I am just going to say the wrong thing and cause discomfort for everyone.
You’re doing okay, I hope this still works.
It does, I can still hear you. I am going through the same apology process as you here.
What did you do? I thought you were doing better than me.
I threw a rock through the window of this car, I had to pay the guy to not saying anything.
Was he cool about it otherwise?
Yeah. He said he could pay his friend to fix it.
I think he only was cool about it because I was honest. Weird huh?
Yeah, it’s strange, sometimes I wonder how many lies I told for no reason, and how many times I got busted and could have saved myself by just being honest.
I like you. You are getting there. You’re sort of on the same page now.