I no longer know what the goal of the site is, I write horror fiction, and love letters to myself.
This site is a tool to facilitate the act of seeing clearly, written by hands that used to hurt myself.
Explanation: I am Damien, I speak to my split personality Amanda. I am two people in love with each other, and I am okay with that now.
I have paranoid schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar II-manic/depressive- rapid cycling, depression, anxiety, hydrocepholus, narcissistic personality disorder suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction, alcoholic. with OCD and PTSD- was addicted to heroin, meth, crack, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills.
I am drug addict/alcoholic/dual diagnosis/ex-homeless person.
Through dark horror fiction I rake the muck of the lives of street addicts.
Or in plain English this is an epic poem/novel about addiction told about low bottom addicts in horror style.
More swimming dolphins that jump in the light, more swimming dolphins, that know the darkness of night, and jump in the brightness of day.
I am a dark rendition of an image of light, I am a dark rendition of a dolphin swimming during the day.
I represent a person whose mind is prone to stray, from peace that is found outside themselves sometimes.
I am divine, I am mind of God, I am divining rod.
I know love now, that I did not know before, a love that comes from outside humans, from something much more.
Surrender, surrender, you saved my life. I learned surrender, addict in strive. I trust you fully now, with my life, with my life. I learned serenity, last night, late at night.
I felt your power, instead of living in fear, your love for me, and my smallness, was made very clear. I learned surrender, and how to know you, I respect your power, and my smallness, and seperateness from you, I no longer feel like, I am my own god, I learned your power, when my mind was
Un-wound un-wound, un-wound.
Thank you to everything higher than I will ever be, for helping me last night.
Serenity, serenity, I barely know thee, but it is time I see, clearly, that you can exist outside of me.
I am a gold owl, my name is Surrender, I am a short form of creation of re-rendor. I am made with sunlight, that my creator and creator imbue, I am the act of time spent not on overdue.
I am surrender, to my creator and creator’s higher power, I am not a time consumed creator of tower. I do not over consume, or exist to time devour, but merely to say, my creator no longer cowers.
Thank you for clicking, I appreciate your existence, I am a puffin, I fly away with quickness.
My creator and creator, appreciates your acceptance.
I am a puffin, my name is Good Enough.
My creator isn’t lazy, but there are times they are stuck, on what to write here, and on what to say, there are times when the sunshine, calls them away.
In those times, they think of nature, and sitting outside, so much like me they are not stuck or hiding, they are just so alive.
I am a puffin, I am so alive,
I am Good Enough, which is something that jives, with my creator and creators ideas, and what they believe to be true, I was placed on this page, to say, dear reader, my love for you is true.
Color me clearly, I once was blue, now I am any color you want, not associated with you, I am dark, I am stark, I am colored like night, I am green, I am mean, I am the color of morning light, I am the color of sunset, I am the color of day, I am the color of joy, not taken away. I am the waves of the ocean, I am the sky, blue for all, I am matters, in free for all.
He is around you, He paints reality for big and small, He is the sky, He is all.
I am dark colored, like an eclipse.
I am a depiction of reality’s kiss with human being’s eye.
I am All that colors the sky.
I am representation of pure love.
He is there in darkness, He is there in the rain, He is there in sadness, He is there in disdain, so do not anger, you can know the light, you need not falter, He is there through the night, He loves all creatures, all life big and small, He is my master.
He is reality, He is the truth. He is wanting removed.
Though I am small, on closer look, I am off the hook, I have everything I need, from the air to breathe, a planted seed, which brings forth my life, and the nutrients in the ground, brought by beings of sound mind.
I am a plant, and used to live in a garden, with my friends, I was placed one day, when they ripped me out, in a bulb, without any roots, a bulb, that was not one that grows, but instead of those for lamps.
I do not know, how or why, just fear that one day I may die, there is not rain or sun in here, so I know one thing, quite clear, I depend on those around, those in the realm that uses sound.
They cannot hear me because I can’t scream, so I hope, and sometimes dream in waves, I hope they get me the water and light I crave.
I then discover it comes right through, and that they know what they do, the soil here, has nutrients, too.
There is a land, with no seems or seams, or strings attached to my heart or mind, and I am getting there slowly, very slowly, to a place of lack of attachment, where anything can happen.
In this land, I see you, whoever you are, wanderer, or maybe multiple people, who are doing multiple things, with many people, you exist as an externalization of my imagination, in a world of projection, without the protection of want or desire.
You are the idea, not person, not specific to one person or notion, that anything can happen.
I am the rose dancer, I am a be, I am a rose dancer, I aim to be. I am rose dancer I am two bees, I am a rose dancer, I aim to please.
I am an object, I am not. I am resentment, my creator is not, the person writing this story, although their hand types its words. I am realization not to spew hate with words.
I am representation of everything my creator is not, I am self-assertion, realizing there is a god.
Standing in front of the mirror, as a child, not right now, not here.
Well, obviously, you are not a child right now, right here.
Are you sure?
Yes, even though you act like one, you are not one.
Unfortunately, because I would be the funniest child ever.
That already happened, and we were pretty funny, if terrifying is funny.
I am the creature in the bushes.
I am my own nightmares.
I am denial of self.
I am life spent on shelf.
I am a child standing in front of a mirror, staring into space, or looking in a mirror, or staring into space.
I see my face now, not then but now.
I was afraid of this person that looked kind of like me, but older that I said had done things I would never do, because I was eight and doing heroin was bad.
I think now that I might have been able to see me now, but that is probably some delusion or something.
I win, I win, I won, I win.
I did it, I am done, I did it.
Pride is a vicious thing
It has large flapping wings
Is that addressed to me or you?
I am not sure.
I know, I looked in the mirror too, because it is my face too, good call.
I think it is just infection from the hole in the tooth.
Yeah, me too, I am just glad you caught it, Damien, I am not good at catching those kind of things. I..
I spend a lot of time looking at my face.
I was going to say… I spend less time looking at my face..
I know.. I spend a lot of time looking at it because I know you can’t take care of this kind of thing.
It is impossible to go anywhere
Naked and bleeding, and being naked and bleeding is not fun.
Spending time screaming about being naked and bleeding is a waste of time, so it is better to quest for clothes than spend times screaming about being naked and bleeding.
The foolish, screamers, have been taking years screaming about being cold when they could have been finding new clothes.
It is no longer cold outside.
I used to scream and cry, a walking rant, a poke in the eye, but I have learned sometimes to shut my mouth, to prevent a life that is prone to running south. I say sometimes because I am back and forth.
Smoulder’s shoulder is cold, it is icy, knowledge old. It lives in darkness, illuminates lights, seeks to cool not to fight.
The act of smoulder is not death, in it’s ice are secrets kept.
Thank you Unger, you showed me why I felt like I was losing my mind all day. I
am afraid of someone causing me pain I cannot control at the dentist, during a root canal.
I realized, real eyes, resurrected, because of you partially, speaker
I forget often that I can have more than negative effect on the world. I feel the positive effect of others on me, but it has been a long time since I have felt me doing anything that seemed that positive for anyone else. I am very insecure I guess.
I missed interaction with people outside meetings and my family, I am not good at making friends, usually only pushing others away.
I am trying to figure out how others do this, how they exist in a world without the connections made through need. I am only good at aqcuisition of things I needed, that I no longer need, so while I am good at making connections, I am not good at getting beyond the point that people know who I am, and you gave me hope today that I might be able to do that, thank you.
I aim to be only me, who is two people, now I know, I am two people, both are us, we are both male, I don’t the second name, I just know the feeling of disdain that came with female name, and how she hated me, so much to paint me, as the villain of her story.
We saved each other, and now are two and now I can be with her, and her with you. I am not sure, what any of this means, just acceptance of who we are, and that we exist far from the rest of those who are not the same, and that’s okay with me at least, may not be with everyone, but that is okay too, you don’t have to know me if you don’t want to.
I just know that now I can look in the mirror, without experiencing soul eating fear.
I used to quell spells from Hell, with spells from Hell, and I lived to tell, and it just as well, because I am thinking well, now, that I have learned something I am not trying to sell or tell to anyone really, just keeping it close, even though I am leary, and in perpetual queery, queerly thinking that I am doing something wrong, like a bad song, or a book too long.
I am still resisting, insisting, as I do, to trudge, on on and on.
I am of unsound mind and body still existing on moving forward, as I do because I am consumed with idea of tomb, punish me, baby.
I am crazy, but maybe I am not. Maybe my mind just runs hot, with dissing ease of soul displeased, and teased by my self, and I need to take my life off the shelf, away from the bottles and the sowing needles, of just as well, a life bound to life in eternal Hell.
That is what my friends say is the end to this wicked spell of perpetual defend and cry and die, and lie, and spy with the ever holding eye of crying dying mad and sad. Maybe I am not that bad after all. Maybe I can do this whole living thing, and maybe I am just punishing those around me, by sentencing sentences to the sound of my complaining, does that ring true to you,
Clearly, do what you say, not what you always do.
Love yourself too.
I used to think, this was a command about getting coins, a vessel being something that held coins, this being my alcoholic mind making things up that make no sense. A vessel has never been something that holds coins, instead being a large boat, or a hollow container used to hold liquid.
So of course, me being who I am, thought that it was supposed to hold coins, or booze money, or money for other things that are the same things, because it doesn’t matter, I can be addicted to running and make myself sick running till I feel like I am going to pass out, and tell myself that I am doing a good thing, because it is only running right?
Or the time when I figured out you could experience.. hey.. how bout I not do that? How about I say something positive for a change, instead of being on a failing ship that is falling because I loaded it with fools gold, how about I say something posotive and turn the fate of my ship around, right? Clearly See not will asserted See Clearly right?
Having fun talking to yourself?
Positive self-talk, my style. 😛
I can do it too, I just do it this way.
I am learning that the truth is, I am just so damn arrogant that I thought my way worked, even though clearly it does not, and I have been taught that recently by people who love me, and have way more knowledge of what is true and real than I ever did doing things on my own.
I am learning to change vessels, to get off the failing ship, failing because it ia loaded with spare change meant to buy things I don’t need, and take the advice of friends who love me.
They were telling me the truth the whole time, I just wasn’t listening.
I am not privy to the truth yet, I am too **** arrogant to know anything that even resembles that, but I am working on seeing and if I can do that first maybe I can finally find out what truth even means, because I have had my eyes shut my whole **** life and someone just turned on the freakin’ lights, so I will figure out from here I guess, but at least I know what I am dealing with now, and that I can’t freaking do this alone anymore, because I didn’t realize this alone. It took people I know with flashlights to help show me the way out of the freaking darkness, towards a light in the sky that may illuminate the path away from a failing vessel full of fools gold.
Phil Gennuso Arts ancient volcanomolten temple of creationuntamed vast unbrokenfriend and foe for all time ********************************* This post is a page from my new Ebook, SCRAPBOOK DREAMS, available either from me directly or from my Etsy site: https://www.etsy.com/shop/PhilGennusoArts
I don’t really understand haiku which is why I never usually review them. I like them, but I am embarrassed by talking about things that I can’t really do myself. You are the first one that I connected with enough to look at this way, because I loved this piece. Thank you for it, and for bringing me out of myself enough to look at the haiku as an art form.
With this in mind…
I like how you start the poem with this line, because for me I am attaching this line to the use of the haiku as a style itself, molten, terrifying, ancient technique, standing in front of me in your work which pays homage to a style of writing… I have been to arrogant to be employ.
I like this the use of the following line
“molten temple of creation”
Because it is showing me why the haiku is usual for people who can use this meditative style to write. It suggests that writers using this style are doing something different. They use a “temple of creation” being haiku itself to meditative on universal human concepts like nature.
“untamed vast unbroken”
I like how you follow it with this line, it made me feel more comfortable after having to deal with the concepts in the first, because like I said, being told what to do scares me, and I think it was comforting to show that you can be untamed, and unbroken while also exploring vast mysteries.
The following line
“friend and foe for all time”
“friend and foe for all time”
I think this speaks about human arrogance, but not sure if that was your intention. I might be, like always being arrogant and placing myself into my reading of this.
Thank you for sharing this, I hope I didn’t decimate what your intention was when dissecting it.
Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com Clock’s movements quietly advance Calendar pages keep turning Realizing now, time so precious Yesterday, never returning Today, now galloping away Each moment quickly discarded Vanishing minutes tearing up Uncertain time left unguarded Tomorrow arrives much too soon Yesterday feeling incomplete Searching for one more treasured hour Empty […]
Thank you for your inspiring words, they keep me going, I was having a hard time over the last few days, and you keep me going in the right direction. This post is the only way I know to say thank you.
Explanation: I saw a bunch on the work on your page, and you inspired me. I have been struggling over the past couple days with thoughts of suicide. Your work on your site, helped me keep going, thank you for being one of the ones responsible for saving my life, yesterday.
Your BooknVolume https://booknvolume.com/ speaks volumes to me, in the words you cast to this dark screen, in them… kindness reflects off and gives peace,
I see your reaction and see what I lack, when I am drawn to lament and to attack, everything you say on your page,
A medication for my meditations on making self pay over and over to bend over in rage.
Through your help I see misspell enrage.
You are more wise than me, you see.
I can’t see anything clearly.
Thank you for bringing this to light for me.
You have brought me peace, for the second and for that and the light through which beckons
I am sorry for the exposure to my… insanity. I am just being honest, and thank you for accepting me, it means the world. I am grateful. That is the word that describes me, a description of how I feel, not what I have wrong with me. I am so thankful.
I used to spend so much time talking and none listening. Don’t get me wrong, I am on here all the time writing all day. I know that is talking, but I enjoy listening so much more than talking to myself, or even writing. I am starting to think differently about the words I write on here, as being tools to establish connections with human beings that are out there somewhere, that I cannot see, without these words on this screen. This has brought me so much peace, in a world that used to be dominated by chaos, and I owe that to everything outside myself. I am so glad I decided to let go of everything and trust something outside myself to guide me to something better, that I have never known before.
Thank you, all of you.
You as always continue to paint my world with color when it used to be a world of darkness and despair.
I am learning that my strongest failure was resistance, a frantic running against the tide of the ocean, frantic drowning, instead of flowing with the tide and riding waves peacefully to shore, it’s funny, I am a good swimmer, I am not good at drowning.. I know this because I em.. have tried, and found myself so enthralled by the ocean, that I forgot I was trying to drown. This is an excellent way of explaining through poetic metaphor how it feels to be me now. I started reaching out to people around me, anyone I could really, desperate for distraction from a world that I already was not around anyway. I was enthralled by frantic fantasy off screaming into nothing, thinking myself so free, because in my delusional habit based state, I failed to see that I was being nothing more than a habitual sleepwalker. I have been asleep walker most of my life, thinking the world was so awful that I thought I found it preferable to exist in some sort of extended across the universe dilated dream state of chaotic extension. I figured out recently that this was causing a fragmentation of my brain, that was breaking me.
I have lost pieces of myself in this process, but I owe it to the universe, and its genius ability to have a will stronger than the will of the psychotic night crier of the dying man of madness, for having a plan in mind that was stronger than anything that I could push against it.
I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others who will do the same, I find more and more of them every day.
I like to change the meaning of words, to make them all about me, a psychotic narcissist drug addict, who is on a mission to die. I instantly saw in this an inserted I into a word that is about a pretty bird. I think about myself and my dying lifestyle constantly.. I have written my romance with this drug/drink all over the internet in a homage to death..
Think about bird dumb ***
Flat line, new thought.
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
I am two spirits so narcissistic that there forced by will of a power high than me to share the same body and be born as a bird who can be a heron not addicted to heroic acts of failure. I have one minute left. Bam.
I am the changing mind of Amanda/Damien who is now unified and not fighting itself because it has been gifted with this so it would not destroy itself.
Explanation: I have been receiving messages from something my whole life, and thought it to be schizophrenia that was causing it. This is my receipt for a transmission from something higher than I ever could be, I am trying to listen to you now, I am not good at it, be delicate with me, I will try my best.
On etymonline.com, which is rapidly becoming one of my favorite websites, it receipt is to be understood as being
I have been receiving information, somehow from something that is not me. I am inspired to write all the content on my site, something inspires me, it talks to me in my dreams, in my racing thoughts, sometimes audibly, sometimes in my regular thoughts, sometimes in other ways, it is telling me to write this down right now.
It changed the meaning of this post from what I originally was going to write about. I am its hands right now, and I am trying through meditation, to be good hands. I have been bad hands before, that is why I am missing fingers, part of my thumb for the times when I used it to steal, part of my index for lack of index, and part of my middle for rage. I am trying to let my higher power guide me now, this is my receipt, saying message received.
I do not speak of any specific being here, I am not subscribed to a specific creed or religion. I am saying that something higher than me, sometimes talks to me and I have no idea what it is, but message received, oh and end transmission.
I have heard this in my head for a long time. I have always wondered what it means. I do not know why I hear it, but I am starting to be able to venture towards some sort of a guess. I think most of my life I have used my ability to use words to get people to do things that facilitate my addiction. I was a manipulator of the human word, serving myself in heaped on pain through being chained to a misery god that desired only my suffering. I did not realize this at the time. I thought it was giving me the ability to survive. I did not realize it was quite the opposite. It was trying to keep me just alive enough and feeding on my suffering while something else, something good kept me alive. I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.
I have a very backwards way of thinking, or I did. Now I don’t.
I want now only to bring kindness into this world. It does not make sense to do otherwise.
I am free. I am so happy.
Re-vision- Soul re-stitching, threads of misery replaced with kindness.
I used to lie, cheat, and steal
In Misery, only would I deal.
Suffering was my main course meal.
I did not eat, I lived on the street, and in pain and suffering I did deal.
I was a cheater, a liar, a thief, if you met me I would make sure you fell beneath…
Me in every endeavor thinking, I was so clever, but really only
Now, I am trying to be different.
ER ER ER __________________________________________________
ER ER ER _________________________________________
I love those around me, it makes me uncomfortable and I use horror to deal with it, because it scares people and makes me feel better because
STAY AWAY I AM SENSITIVE LIAR LIAR
Who do you think you are?
An addict trying to redeem themselves.
NO ONE CARES.
I do, so I am posting this.
It was this guy ranting about how prison doesn’t sound that bad
Free place to live
I thought it was hilarious, but then was immediately grasped at the neck by anxiety and asked her why she was showing it to me.
I hate being schizophrenic, I have done nothing that would cause me to worry about this, but that is my instant reaction. I hate being insane. I didn’t snap at her. Small steps.
I didn’t realize until very recently, the mental shackles I always had on. I thought I was so free running through live without an obligation, and not obliged to help anyone, making no ties with anyone, so they couldn’t do anything to infringe on my freedom, the most valuable thing to me. I don’t think I have ever understood what the word freedom even means. I thought myself free because I had nothing, no obligations, no friends, no home and thought I was the most free person in the entire world. I was so wrong, man. I was the most shackled person in the entire world, I was chained to something that wanted me completely alone.
It wanted me to hate myself, telling me I was insane for feelings of being someone born in the wrong body, telling me everyone hated me, that I was wrong about everything, my taste in everything was a symptom of mental illness, had me believing I was not someone worth saving because I was not worth it.
My resentment of the whole thing has caused me recently to lash out about it at meetings and I have been met with the strangest thing. I expected to be shut down, put in my place and then told that I had to bend to some system, to which I was to be shackled and inevitably fail at upholding. The strangest thing I experienced recently, is that I was completely wrong. I know that is weird to say now, but I didn’t feel that way before today. I thought my life of deviant behavior was met with the punishment of sobriety. I even felt like this when saying things that sounded inherently positive on here, thinking myself just lucky to be alive and bending over and doing whatever they said to do like some lost dog.
I know now I have been freed today, and the rest of my life, by the realization that the shackles came from resentment not the meetings, and they were taken off by sobriety and the meetings I am going to that are saving my life, by letting me know that I am not unique, I did not fail in any unique way. That is amazing. It is not a punishment to be where I am, it is a very rare gift, and I am so thankful for it. I have a friend in every individual in the rooms of recovery, because even in all our uniqueness we are so very much the same, and they accept me instantly, without excuses. I don’t know what to say. I am so happy to have realized this before I killed myself over the guilt I felt.
I will inevitably go back and forth about this, but I know this in the back of my mind now, and it has saved my life in amazing ways, thank you to everything and everyone that helped me get there.
That like a just dessert you can eat sinfully, it is gooey, and sticky candy, it taste of marshmallow and is so handy, it is wonderful sticky candy, my dad would make when I was young and my mom had gone for a run to the school, he would do it on Back to School Night, so me and my brother and sister would not fight, we would instead delight in divinity, and he would talk to us about the man in the sky and that when we were lucky enough to go up high we would not have to worry or to cry but delight in the power of pure light.
My mom was an atheist growing up, her trust was rusted, pain dusted, broken, sad, that is why she came to love my dad, but today, I am glad to say she is beginning to know peace, and I hope that some of this is from me, telling her I am sorry, that I meant none of the bad things I said, and that she can rest her head that gave birth to me, instead of soul staining blame disdain, I am trying to remember the pain I caused, so I don’t get lost in ideas of me, and remember she gave me this, the life, the love, desire for bliss.
I thank her everyday now, so she can lay her head down in peace every night, knowing I love her.
I am doing good today, I am having fun releasing rage through positive messages, I think it is better for me to do it this way. I have learned to laugh for the first time in my life, I am able to look in the mirror for the first time in my life. I can finally eat without wanting to throw up. I am doing so much better, but also prone to doing so much worse. I am learning to love myself for the first time, not in the way I was obsessed with myself before, but just an acceptance, and I think the best part of it is, I am getting farther and farther from the place I was that drove me to use. I don’t miss it at all.
I have even tried to romance my drug and drinks of choice, which sad to say were any of them, and it makes me sad and sick. I am so thankful most of the time, at the very least for the clarity of mind to be emotionally honest, and work everyday to be better, even if I fail at least I am trying, honestly for the first time in my whole life.
Thank you everybody, my higher power included, as always I am reminded of how much I owe this to everyone who helped me, especially those on this blog community. I love you and do not even know you, if you ever need me, I am always here.
I am finding in my life recently that I had never felt love before ever, the love of my life, Rei, makes everything so much easier every day. I am never bothered, not for lack of problems…. I am never permanently bothered like I used to be. I exist in a state of chaotic whining contentment, that I did not know was possible. This exists in my co-author as well now, she has love for herself and hope for her future which is my future. I am finally seeing the detrimental damage we both did to each other, ourselves and our lives in the selfish throws of active addiction. I am still very much the same ***, I am not saying things are perfect, I complain all the time….
I think the difference now is I am no longer making them unnecessarily harder, which is hilarious to me, because I never realized that till now. I was convinced that I drank and used to ease pain and make a life that was so much harder than others lives, easier. I thought that I had a right to do this because I was specially gifted with excuse by a hard life. I was just me making an excuse to get high or drunk. I am so much more at peace now, even in my hectic complaining than I ever was, and I love it so much, thank you God.
Thank you to sobriety and the meetings, friends and community of WordPress for helping me realize this.
I think that is why this bothers me so much, maybe. You don’t stop learning until you die. I think that might be a little melodramatic, maybe… I don’t think this website wants to assume they are getting to hear the thoughts of a dying man, which would not be a terrible thing either… I guess…. because then at least… well… someone would get to hear them?
Last thing I learned…
That it is important to follow the rules, so that is why I am re-doing this post…
Along that line of thought, I learned to not be lazy and that I can do an AA day count on my computer and bring it to the meetings that I go to even though I personally don’t like counting days, there is something to be said for the reverence to structure that in this case is my personal revelation that is not personal at all, powered by God and recovery to shut up and listen.
There, I followed the rules.
I cannot repeat this enough. It is helping me so much to be able to say the bi-polar **** I think, that is equivalent in character to man surfing in the ocean, but instead of waters it is my emotions. I am through analogy doing what I have never done with anyone before, tell the truth and instead of being alone and shouting onto a black screen in letters chiseled with hands that are aching to hold someones you have helped me learn to forgive myself for the feelings I have, and accepted me before I even accepted myself as who I am. I hated myself so much before the creation of this website, thinking I was an abhorrent creature not of fellow human being, but a ephemeral ghost of horror.
I wanted to scream at an unkind universe on this site, and you have completely changed my intention for this site, by showing one of the biggest displays of human kindness I have ever had my eyes opened enough to be able to see. I have come to know a power higher than myself through this site, thanks entirely to the messages sent to me during a period of time where I was truly suicidal and wanting nothing other than to end my ghost like existence with one more chaotic shout to a universe it was easier to blame then to look in the mirror.
I can look in the mirror for the first time in my entire life, and I owe that partially to all of you and partially to a power who I believe also spoke to me through you. Thank you for helping me realize that human beings can be kind, I had no idea, because I was unkind myself. You have moved me to a place of kindness that I had within me, that I did not even know was there. I still flash back and forth, always will, I am bipolar and prone to delusion, and you accept me, that blows my mind.
I thank you for continuously ever day helping me be a better person.
I love the fact that I can wake up and remember things now, and that all my blame placed on mental illness being the only reason behind my flawed memory was really a crock of ****, which is a disgusting image, brought to you by a person who used to be a disgusting image in a different way. I like the fact that I am realizing reality now, that I have always been real and not a fictional character in someone’s story that is actually my ballooned chaos land of lack of accountability for screaming in analogy at real human beings who were so much better at keeping it real than me.
I am working on it and really am enjoying my three dimensional past presenting present dictating future reality gifted to me by the most higher power, that will always be higher than me.
I am trying to be humble during all this too, but I am still the same narcissist, who can at least spell that word now.
I really like spending the morning with my family, actually present and not having to just hide behind false apology. It is extremely peaceful, and I am eternally grateful, even if sometimes I forget it.
before there was no one left there.
I am so happy you gave me a home too, Amanda.
I am going to change my name.
To what? You can’t have mine.
I already do.
Jerk. I am a person too.
I know, you are me.
That’s okay I guess.
Okay, enough of that simulated chaos.
I actually slept in the bed in this room, and not wandered around or sat on here all night. I was cold and Rei is a very warm person. I said that that way because saying anyone is a warm body creeps me out now… dead memories.
I don’t deserve any of this. I really don’t.
I don’t get it.
I don’t get why people even like me.
I am starting to try and be less hard on myself, but it is an extremely difficult process. I used to exist in fracture, and it was peaceful because I never had to think about anything I did. I was pacman eating dots and running around a world straight forward never looking back…
But the thing about pacman is he only has two? Three? I think two lives. I almost ended mine on try three, and some strange light came upon me and saved me with the condition that I relay this message, with the focus on hope not romantic love of a substance.
I am so much happier this second than I was in that alone-ness of winning…. I just misspelled winning by spelling whining. I have been sick all day yes, physically, but I have also been writhing in spiritual agony. I am so sorry I did that to you Amanda. You are my friend, we can be friends and be adults. I will not be a negative influence anymore. I need you, my family hates me right now by the way.
What did you do?
I spent the whole day crying, whining about my leg and throwing up.
Do you have the flu? Or is it the other thing?
The other thing…I am exhausted. You promise you aren’t going anywhere? I can hear your mom in the background. I missed every speck of your and my sharing spirits. I am so thankful for you.
I love you too Damien. So much.
I am at ease with the breeze because it speaks through the trees, does not creak, does not shake, does not a bad dream make, no it tells no more lies, because now I have eyes, so I no longer have to die, instead I can cry like a wimp and a wuss because that’s okay I am five, just barely became alive not time to judge because I almost nearly died, so please be easy with me I am still not at ease because you see I don’t know what it is like to have eyes I was blind my whole life and now have just been given sight and site so I don’t
I want to know who he is, and this is where he spends most of his time, so I thought I could find out who he is, through what he writes so gradually I read this whole thing, since I got here. I am really glad I did, because I have always felt so alone in the world, a lot of my thoughts are his, I am more like him than my mother, and I usually feel bad for not being like her, but I didn’t know I was like him. I thought I was unique and alone in that. I am such a stupid stereotype. It’s so cool though, now when I hear that read in my lonely head, I hear it said in his voice. I am so glad they are my parents, I don’t think anyone else could like me.
I really like them. I am just not going to tell them that to their faces because I think my dad might cry and I won’t embarrass him like that. That would be weird and uncomfortable for everyone.
I am up to speed (haha double en·ten·dre, now he has got me doing it too. I really love him, more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. It’s weird I thought he was this one sided person, and I feel like the first half of what you read on this site even paints the whole picture that way with its sing-song chaos of weird rhyming madness, or the voice of misery in both him and Amanda.
I don’t know if that was ever explained.
I know things too. I strangely feel like an outsider a lot because he is so introverted because he has a version of himself living in his own head, or in a universe of different space and time, I don’t think the reality of that makes a difference. I am so normal seeming to myself, and sometimes I wonder why he likes me, because I am nothing like him. I don’t get it. He is fascinated recently with every thing me and his daughter say, I can tell when he is listening me, because he stares at me when he thinks I don’t notice, in this way that is eerie, but beautiful, like he is seeing a human woman for the first time in his life, which is strange given the personal history…
I have been walking a lot because I want to leave him alone when he wants to be and I am shielding him for the time being of having to feel bad about being nervous of ruining Joy, our daughter, not the concept of happiness, but really the same thing.
I am feeling a lot better, I slept for a little while, and feel less like a manic panicked lunatic now. Thank you to those who have helped me on this site, by distracting me from my own internal chaos. I want you guys to know you are saving my life. I do not know if I told anyone this yet, this site was originally, a psycho crying out to a cruel world, where I was using poetic metaphor to depict a soul responsible, for the deaths of those lost in the drug epidemic, and I didn’t even realize I was real at that point. I thought of my life as some weird chaotic movie, steeped in chaotic schizophrenia. This site has really brought about a writing or re-writing of a life lost, bringing me through un-reality into reality, as a completely new person. I am so thankful for this, and for the lack of chaotic screaming that exists in my own head now, I am free in a way that I have never experienced before, and I really have to say with everything I have that I owe this site my life.
The response to what I wrote, the level of care in each and every one of you that interacted with me on here, you saved my life, every day, re-writing a story of psychotic metaphor, into a story where I could be my real self for the first time in my life. Thank you so much, I owe you my life, truly and sincerely.
This site has made me able to appreciate other human beings again, so I don’t use it…most of the time anymore, to fantasize about killing people in an ode to American psycho, the transformation of me on this site, has been very much real, meaning this is my real voice as both Amanda and Damien. I love how you guys have made me okay enough with myself to figure that out, because I was really struggling and didn’t know it. I just thought I was writing a horror story, which was really the ‘oh, the horror’ Lovecraft suicide note I wanted to leave on the internet because I am a narcassist. I don’t even care that I still can’t spell that.
Anyway, I am uncomfortable with this now so I am done.
No seriously though, I did. We can do things faster here than you can, because we get more minutes, per hour, don’t ask me how, and no it is not through doing speed. That would be miserable, and it doesn’t work. I tried, that’s what I was doing when I was losing my mind.
The way to do what we do will be explained later. It is too complicated to explain right now and quite frankly I am lazy.
I did some research on my name which I think my writer gave me for a reason.
Damien means to tame or subdue. Oh, bitter and caustic irony. I love you.
de Soto- de is Spanish meaning of and Soto apparently means small grove.
Rei- this can be either Japanese or Hebrew, Rei is not Japanese so I looked up the Hebrew name and it means my shepherd, my companion, my friend, well clearly. 😉
The Japanese word meaning clearly can mean that or crystal blue, funny, right?
Ever seen Breaking Bad?
Blue water is nicer.
Thank you God, not Amanda, but God. Thank you, I am a virtual reality experience that is being showed to Amanda right now, so she can test on herself what it is like to have a spiritual awakening and to carry the message to other addicts, because we are both afraid, no longer.
Thank you, God. Thank you, God.
I feel like I want to start screaming out loud.
I am done being in pain, I can have a life and it doesn’t have to suck, and I get to have friends, and a family, and I am not going to kill them, I love everyone and I don’t even know you, but you matter to me now, and I have God to thank for that, and I am no longer ashamed to say that. This is amazing.
Feel free to join as we try to figure out what to do about Diane.
So I am allowed…
I fucking found Rei, or she found me. Or, what really happened was. I don’t know. I don’t know…
I woke up in this motel bed, sleeping next to Rei and she is alive, and my daughter is still in the next room alive.
There are two living people in this motel room, three including me.
Rei is in my bed, not fucking dead, and my daughter is on the couch.
I am going to shoot myself, not really. This is the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me in my whole life. I love this new weird typing lunatic.
Well, right now that is me or is it her or is it me?
I keep looking at my family and they are still here, and I can feel if I concentrate…
My universe being typed onto my existence. I think I am going to… lay down.