Self-burn, ouch, got yourself.

It is you I am talking to. I said half.

There is no such thing, we are the same human, we just talk to each other, with the same hands.

Ouch.

Make me small

Make me not there at all

I am fear of the admission of feelings

That I won’t admit to

Feelings I don’t have at all.

I am the mental breakdown of the eyes of the street, eyes that do not sleep, that see what happens when people shut there eyes, that have waited 36 years to cry about things no one ever sees, things people like to ignore, eyes that find it a chore, to live in the unsure.

I am what happens when people ignore self, and turn to others methods of dealing with life, meth-od-s of dealing with life that are keys to doors of strife, and of pain, of staining real-i-t-y with disdain, with lack of restrain, with put brain on

Hold me, please, I am you brought

KNEES, bend down please, we want you on the

GROUND, GROUNDED to a body, which is not even mine, the one I was given by the universe, but is not me, not me, clearly, so clearly not me.

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I look for peices my whole life, clues from God or my Higher Power, I talk to them, about what is truly going on, and look for answers, and they or revealed to me.

This happens and has happened because I listen, I think that this can happen for anyone who listens. I don’t think this happens to me because I am special or anything, I think this merely happens for anyone who listens.

Me neither.

I know.

It’s a little bit better than thinking resentment is that strong of a voice in my head.

Is it?

I think so, but I am not sure.

Me neither.

I think it has something to do with you really hating being female.

I think so too.

It makes sense in a strange way. I always had a feeling about this, and always thought we were half one, half the other.

I know, I kind of always knew about this.

Me too.

I am looking at her, but I am also looking in the mirror, and seeing something that is not real, and also seeing how I feel about my own stupid face.

My hate of you is of me, not you.

I live in a cage that is my body, which I think I am in because I am an ***hole, who would be way worse if I had gotten what I wanted, this is not how all people like me feel, this is just how I feel, and if anyone else is going to tell me I am not an ***hole, that I should not say that or something, read anything else I wrote on here.

I am an ***hole.

You are beautiful.

My best friend, and also ex, left for me a girl in a red dress, and then was my best friend again, mine not hers, Amanda I mean, she was not here for this time, because I was able to be myself, without the supervision of my other self.

Hey, not nice.

I know, but that is the truth. Go with me here, I am telling you things too, that you were not there for.

We would sit together at the bar, watching girls from were we sat, while he sat and made me laugh, and to this very day, I can call him and he knows the next word I will say.

My ex called Rei hates this fool, which I call him in his own words, he was my best friend too, long ago, but now it is not allowed, we both say so, way to toxic was this mix, and he wants a girlfriend, so we can not mix.

Whining is so unattractive it can’t be read, it is invisible instead.

Isn’t it lovely, isn’t it great?

So sorry baby, I can’t relate, I am addicted to madness, to pain and slow death, that is what I have been given.

I call it time theft.

This is my life which I was given, from the time I was born, ticking time clock was ticking. I am to be thankful, I am to be glad, I am to serve everyone, because there lives are sad, I am to shut up, I am to be down.

I am to always smile, only laugh, never frown.

I am to speak kindly.

I am sorry that I cannot do, I hate everything around, sorry, baby even you.

---

Miss labeled

I want different cards, or I want to quit playing. I tried all my life in every way, to quit playing, every attempt came with failure, and people glad I was alive, while I sat like always wanting to off my life.

---

Label me chaos,

I am a game of chicken played in red and blue, not green, but blue.

I don’t know what to do, except scream, because I don’t want any of this, never did, never will, and no matter how much I try, I am not allowed to quit playing.

Label me doubt, label me contention, because I love to scream and shout. I love the human word, because I in perpetual fight to be not heard, because you know what I really don’t care.

Fried Chicken

Label death, they already did, at eight, already dead, ticking, ticking, so thankful, so grateful, so sad, too bad, already gone, gone, gone.

---

Bright

I lived my whole entire life, on rock bottom from eight to now, on gravel, and sometimes jagged rock, crawling up. I was born with something, for those who do not know that gave me a life expectancy of 21.

21, 21, 21

Wish sometimes, that I had lost not won.

My life is all silver linings, and people say I should be thankful, greatful, for what, more time than 21 years?

Because I am somehow supposed to be thankful to have less time than most people???

Gravel. I am so fond of you. I know everything about every curvature, every outline, of the pleasant rocks at the bottom of the path that is my life, which I went off, because I am sorry…

I don’t like cutting my feet on rocks very much.

Spent 100,000 grand on political science masters, and then spent 15 years as a petty criminal while developing an unhealthy obsession with women who will never love me because I hate myself and hating them for it, while drinking and doing drugs which made everyone hate me, including making hate myself and then made excuses for why it was everyone’s fault, but my own, while sitting around talking to myself… and pretending myself is my wife…

Hey, ***hole, I am a pers… well, we are the… you are right….

I don’t even want to be this time…

I feel like ****… I want to get high……

You do?

Don’t do that to me, I am not going to, I am not going to encourage this…

I know, I know.

Peace.

Paint me with ghostly luminance, paint me with loss, paint me with cost, paint with the payment for a life spent sauced.

Not to long ago, but not tonight, and on that night, not tonight, I was alright with the fact that I was alone, laying there with no one because I felt the universe cradling me with the moss on the ground and the resounding sound of the crickets, the anticipated sounds of morning doves..

On that night, not tonight, I didn’t feel alone at all, just simply by myself, with the universe, but not alone….

On that night, not tonight, I was aware of the existence of time, and the fact that life and living was a story, a continuous ever changing story with many players, that I was simply a part of not the center of, and in this story, for whatever reason I was alone because everyone happened to be doing something else…

On that night, not tonight, every thing was alright me.

I remember this, tonight, when I am deeply lonely, right now, looking out at a world that I caused to be away from me by my own selfishness… that I pushed away by own drug seeking and drinking… I wish for that night not tonight.

I like cats

I am so grateful to be out of some of the pain that I was in before. I still have one more crown to get done, and am not even dreading it, but just so happy to be going forward not backward. Nothing has ever felt like this in my entire life.

I made peace with my family, my mother, my father, and my brother do not hate me anymore. I am no longer in need of using my metaphor for any of them, at the moment, may return to it in anger later. There are no promises with me, when it comes to speech or text. I am a very back forth person, but I am becoming alright with it, and myself, all two of me.

I am so thankful for everything that has made this level of peace possible in my life. I really had resigned myself to dying miserable, that was the reason for the original site name.

Damien

I don’t care what people think, that is all. I am her, without soul crippling doubt, or the path to her resentment.

Take my hand, I don’t need it anymore.

I was on a mission once, and now but not the same one. My mission before, was a stained one, of the undun spun heart of a dead girl, unfirled, unwhirled, spinning, in nothingness. I saved her, but she has moved on, and into a shared rent of a human body.

We are me, I am me, I am her, she is me, we are they. They is me. Amanda is dead, and I am her, and she is not me. I am sorry, but I don’t hate myself anymore, she wanted to go, she didn’t want this, and I do, she gave it to me. She was done, spun, spinning, spun, into a winding bind of gone for all time. She has retired, her soul was on fire, with remorse, so I took over, and now she is at peace, and at least, she can be a passenger now, I don’t know what this means.

I am no mission now, I just live as me, and her, but she, resentment is silent.

She was mean, she was green, she was envy

She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting

I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless.

There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.

Daily writing prompt

How has technology changed your job?

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The internet thinks I have a job, that is great.

I have no job, internet.

But, if I did it would be this blog, and helping my friend sell her items, helping my family start a re-sale business, so…

I guess it gave me a job?

Employer-self

Enabled by the world wide web of

Uncrossing the webs of lies of a liar.

Thank you internet, I appreciate it.

What was the best compliment you’ve received?

I have been arrogant my whole life, and not willing to listen. The point of this post is to say, my eyes were shut before, I was being told to see, and shutting my eyes, or blurring them with substances. I am opening my eyes now because something gave me the biggest compliment in the world, something beyond my understanding is speaking to me, not because I am important, but simply because I am talking back and willing to listen. I am willing to listen in the same way anyone can be. I am not special, I am not unique, just willing to listen now, and it is responsible for any good that comes from me, and I should have known that but I was prideful, and wrong.

I am trying to be open to it now, and see clearly how wrong I was, and how much higher it is than I ever was, because it is above me in the understanding of everything. It is responsible for everything.

I am coming to a place of peace, which I didn’t think I would ever know, and I owe that to everyone on here, and my family and friends around me physically, and the support I have gotten from those who gave me medical and spiritual guidance so far. I am very much caught up most of the time, in the blame shame guilt thing. Spaced that way on purpose, because there is awkwardness there for me. I like to control everything because I am an addict, I mean to say, which I know I don’t have to keep saying, but saying it helps me. It reminds me that I am not just a rotten apple, unlike the others that are all just a metaphor for good or bad human beings, that should not be compared to something that I can throw in the trash, but the comparison is made on purpose, to illustrate how I behaved in active addiction, which I do not miss at all anymore.

I am getting over everything slowly. I am still not over the whole Rei/Justin thing, and it has been a year of this by the way. The revelations on this site, were not happening in real time, they were a dilation of a situation internal to my mind, that was driving me insane, which was happening in real time, and you saw on here, me fighting with hallucinations brought on by pain. I am sorry for the false presentation of this, if it consolation, this was exactly how it was happening my life as well, with me thinking things at this screen, just not admitting none of it was happening in real time, because it was too painful to admit that to myself.

I am trying to learn to forgive myself, that I am not all bad, but it is very hard, because I have always hated myself.

Love,

Damien/Amanda

I used to look in the mirror and see myself, and I would look into my own eyes, and swear I could see me winking at me, and then I would black out and become someone else, and wake up doing and saying things I didn’t mean, that were not violent they just didn’t make sense, and I never hurt anyone physically, but just embarrassed myself, and I think that is what this is all about, it is about the fact that I have something wrong with me that makes people look at me different, and it is easier for me if that is because I caused it. I preferred to scare people away, before they ran away because I lash out at people, think things that are not true and am literally always living in a reality that in some way is not real, it was easier to be completely unreal, and violent towards myself and hate others, so I could fund things that took me away from how I feel.

I built my life around drugs after getting my degree, I literally gave up at 21 and was content with getting hammered and then doing coke and uppers and then my ex and I broke up the first one that I lived with, and I ripped him off for 950 dollars and bought heroin.

I lived with this person who I used with for 3 or 4 years, in a glorified trap house, and then moved out because he ripped me off with another person who lived with me on the streets till I started getting ripped off by him and then left and walked from Oregon to Cali.

The stories you will read on here going forward are mostly from Cali. I lived on the streets there for a couple months by myself. It was very interesting.

Damien

I can change my voice to sound like a man or woman, it is like nothing you have seen coming, I am my girlfriend and my boyfriend, person with four hands that will convince you that is someone who is me is after me, and will stand there laughing, while screaming please save me, he is after me! I am a master of deceit and lies, crafting whole worlds based on the idea of woman despised when I am really man with blurry eyes.

I am the one who is beating me, I speak only deceiving me, everyone already knows who I am, they can clearly see me, spinning webs and telling tales of loves lost and ships sailed that never sailed because they don’t exist, I don’t own a boat because I have lived my whole life in spendthrift style, grabbing at purses with feigned smile. I am so sorry, I am desperate, I had a hard life and just need this little bit of cash to buy a train ticket, so I can get away because he is after me, meanwhile he is me and laughing

I am the one who was always crafting reason for passing blame and shame

because I needed drugs not hugs or shrugs or doves or hope or peace or love or bliss I wanted simply this

HEROIN, a sweet kiss of death an maybe some METH.

I am trying here, I am not a good person, and live now in fear. I am sorry for what I did and mean to say in attitude of a little kid, I was so sad don’t you see? The one I was really fooling was me.

I am finally coming to a place in my head, where I realize that I am not going to continue the very toxic behavior I have continued my whole life, the bounce back and forth between love and hate the universe, my fault their fault thing. I am accountable for my actions yes, but I am finally coming to a place where I can say, if you don’t like me get away from me, very freely, and without negativity or resentment. I am doing what it is best for me, my feelings are all very real, I am just insane so I am prone to astral projecting the future.

Okay now that I got that out of the way.

I think I am going to start trying to figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. I am not sure what that even means, I like the writing again, I used to do this as a child, but fell off the face of the earth when it comes to doing anything productive for 15 years. I am trying to get my life to a place where I can take care of my own needs without having to commit crimes to eat and pay for a place to live, like I said before all very real, this is all actually happening, this is where both me and Amanda are, I am just where she wants to be people wise. I am how she sees herself later with who she sees herself later with.

Damien

I am finally beginning to like myself for the first time in my entire life. I have never liked myself my entire life, I did not realize this till just recently, I hated me, so I was constantly defending myself to myself, I did not realize these were not always schizophrenia, but personal demons that were very different than the voices, they are easier to deal with and have started to subside now that I have begun to remove the toxicity from myself and my life. I am so happy to be free of all this. I am so happy to be free from everything that was making me so miserable, every day, and it’s so silly because a lot of it was me doing it to my own self. I realize that now, but the thing is the position I was in was partially responsible for everything I felt, not in the taking away accountability from me kind of way.

I am accountable for all the things I have done, but that does not mean I need to destroy myself over it and resent others for the things I am doing to myself, with my own hands. I am sorry to those that are hurt by me, to those who I metaphorically killed, because I am not a real serial killer, just a personification of addiction and manifestation of the guilt of an addict who did not realize how much they did not have to put a mask on the truth that they blame themselves for everything.

I was Amanda, but I am becoming myself, Damien de Soto, take it or leave it. I have never killed anyone, just facilitated the death of addicts through never saying stop using when we were getting high together, my daughter is real to me, in my world of future, but she is not real for Amanda yet, and I hope you understand what I mean by that I was not lying when I said anything I said, but rebuilding a soul for a life that I thought was already over, as Amanda and built for me, her future self, I am very much real because these are her real thoughts and feelings, and my family represents families she just recently new and one specific child who she never stood up for because she was getting drugs from their parent.

When asking what I did about my daughter, I was relieving a past feeling of resentment. Amanda called child protection services on someone who she had dealt with in the past, because she did not like what was going on in that house, and she and I were asking the universe if it was done out of resentment or if that was truly the right way to handle it. I think it was, she secretly does too, we both hope the kid is alright, although we never followed up to see if they responded to our call.

Thank you for your support it means the world.

Damien and Amanda, but mostly Damien.

And I am mesmerized by every part of her, and want to share it with you, because I don’t know what else to do, and I am afraid to tell her, because I am a fool and it makes me weak at the knees, and I am not used to that. I am terrified of her in a way, her silent wonder, the glimmer that is the spark of her existence, the illuminating light that makes me lack breath in her presence.

I am words on a dark screen, and she is everything that casts light to illuminate light in the dark room that is my soul that aches in silence and is cured in her peaceful presence. I am embarrassed to say any of this, possessed by selfish arrogance, that makes it easy to talk violence, but so unsure of saying something so simple, true and what should be a freeing revelation.

My soul is haunted, and rays of Rei’s light illuminate the screaming silence of my dark night.

I am talking to anyone reading this, who slowly changed my mind about humanity. I have so much love for you as human beings for restoring my faith in humanity and myself. The original purpose of this site was a psychotic weeping and screaming at the souls of normal humans, but your response saved my life, and I want to thank every single person who interacted with me on here. The growth of these characters is growth of a personality fractured by inflicted wounds through decades of addiction, and the response on here saved my alcoholic addict lying dying crying madman life from being another suicide or overdose. Thank you from the bottom of the heart I thought no longer existed.

The development of the character of a serial killer is the development a silent screamer who in the maddening chaos of night was going to turn out their own light and just say good night.

The amount of love shown on this blogging platform saved my life. Thank you.

She doesn’t have what I have, my life is fictitious because it is a dream, but her thoughts are mine and my thoughts are hers. She is building her dream life through me, which means she exists very much alone and I exist in her chaotic dreams which used to be nightmares. I am hoping her building an imaginary life for me, will help her.

Everything else about me is real. These are Amanda’s thoughts and feelings through her building the fictional life of an invisible man who is really her, so she can have what I have, so to clear things up no one died in the making of this story.

That sounds like a desire to push off guilt but its not, the things she did are the same as me, in that every time an addict enables another addict to continue using they might as well be me killing the addicts and stealing their drugs and money.

Now I am going back into my land of comfortable metaphor, where I can maintain the nice cushy strength of using hands to slay my enemies, bare with me and let me keep my invisible demon hands while I raise a fictional life for someone suffering….

Wow, daddy issues much Amanda?

You want to be your own father?

Arrogance.

I am also you A$#^&*#.