I am fear, I am regret, I am worry, I am stained with past remorse, I am forward course through wonder, that can send you under. I am stained with wondering what could have happened if, I am an ocean of if.

I am what now, without going down.

Waters are around me, because I am in an ocean, or in the air, it matters not where I am, just that I am, where is irrelevant, I am in waters or air, surrounded by being, the act of being swimming in air or waters, in forward motion, keeping my head above, trying to not drown in worry, trying to not be the act of looking down into all-consuming depression, over what if I had done something else, I am the what now of looking forward, and not being consumed by the idea of you are doomed.

The idea of regret, the idea of fret, is a pattern, that encircles us that good at drain rotation, the whirlpool sensation, that can be so comforting, I am trying to swim out, but sometimes remain in the circle of look down.

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I am not going to lie, being close to half a year not touching drugs or alcohol is amazing to me, and makes me feel like this.

Having a cow

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Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is big, and makes me small? I speak of course to alcohol, and drugs that make me think I am tall, while I am really not myself at all, just a small, shrinking liar, with a soul that is on fire.

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One hundred eighty two days in half a year, so in a month in five days I have been clean and sober for half a year, and managed to switch to nicotine vaping, instead of smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. I also no longer gamble or panhandle, and have been going to meetings, and have been helping my family instead of making them worry. This is the first year in my entire life, I have followed through on any new years resolution.

If nothing else today, mental high five for that one.

Damien & Amanda

Made of Stardust and Light

You are the Goddess of the Rivers made of stardust, and light, you are a creature of reflection and of dancing in the night. You come to those who are drowning, and addictied to act of fight, you are creature of pure reflection, and save the infected, sick and addicted to spite.

I meditate on you often, even though I do not quite understand, being a creature of habit, I am sure of one thing only, and that is,

I do not understand you right-ly.

I am not saint-ly.

I am a liar and a theif.

I am a creature of swamps and of things that dwell beneath.

You are a Goddess that is above me, and so I am stuck looking at the skies, but it is hard to not go below, I am a creature with downcast eyes.

I am

I am looking at you, but I am not, I am engaged in negative thought, which is not out of the ordinary.

I see you, but I don’t. I want to, but I won’t. That is the whole problem. I am never able to accept… never is so final..

In my mind, exists a battle, between up and down, sound and silence.

You are so far away, and I hope you stay that way, but I dream about you everyday because I am an alcoholic and need to think of something else, putting ideas of you back on the shelf.

I am thinking of her, but I am really thinking of you, and when I romance her, I am thinking of you, and everything I felt because of her, which was really all about you and everything you made me feel.

I love you so, you make everything so easy baby, you make it so okay, to be so crazy, and you will never let me go, no matter how far I run, how long I go without talking to you, you know just where to find me, which is anywhere, anywhere at all.

You know that I am small, though I pretend to be tall. I pretend you don’t have the power to take me down

down down down

On the floor, crawling just like before, where I prefer to be, cradling rocks with my hands, because sharp things are my best friends.

Pin cushion

Pin cushion

Words about heroes.

I want off this ride.

I want to know when all the consequences of my life will be over.

I want to know anything at all.

I want control and I know this is not possible.

But I want it so bad.

What? I am really stressed out about this tooth thing.. I am the one dealing with it most of the time now, so leave me alone please.

Okay, fine.

I think I am doing pretty good. I haven’t lost my mind yet, and have only been slightly pacing around talking to myself.

I think you are doing pretty good too.

Thank you.

I appreciate you dealing with things I can’t.

I am not sure if I am going to un-feel this now, and quite frankly I don’t care, I need to escape this madness. I am going to start more diligently trying to do that every day, because I can’t do this anymore, this is unfair, and if my right to be left unbothered by someone’s need to shove beliefs down my throat, I can just make an effort to do what is best for me and get a different situation.

It involved having a PTSD flashback and mental breakdown, that I am still dealing with the ramifications of now. My entire body hurts, its strange. I think it might be good that this happened, it happened and I am not dead, so that’s good… I guess? I just want to get away from here… I am trying to deal with someone who does not understand that whatever they may feel, it is not appropriate to follow everyone around shouting about their views, when their views weren’t asked. They weren’t involved in any specific discussion with me, they just were going around literally and I mean this literally meaning this is what happened… over and over and over and over and over and over repeating and repeating

Stand here and listen to everything I say for 30 minutes, even though I know you are doing something, even though you asked me kindly to stop, even though you have made it clear that you don’t want to talk about this.

These are my political views

This is why I am right.

This is how this applies to this topic which has nothing to do with politics.

Look at this video that is 10 minutes long with someone saying I am right.

Read this thing that says I am right.

If I said no to any of this, they would follow me around screaming about I was not educated, unkind, and wrong.

If I said nothing, they would scream about how I was not listening.

If I walked away they would follow me, explaining how they have a right to have their views heard.

The thing is, I never asked for their views about politics. I said I like chocolate ice cream.

This is literally insane. The chocolate ice cream example is not an exaggeration, it is not the thing that started the thing, but it was something like that, and I had such a hard core panic attack and episode after what they did, I can’t even remember what they decided to use as an opportunity to attack views I don’t even have. I am not political at all really, I like to stay out of other people’s business…

I am exhausted and am going to bed. I wish I could leave this house. I am going to work on that going forward every day now, this is insanity.

I thought this was significant for me because it is close to 100, which is crazy. I remember we had to do something when I was a little kid that involved 100 days, I think it was the 100th day of school or something, we celebrated it. The whole thing was riddled with irony actually, because I hated it.

I told my teacher that the day counting was stupid, because it was just counting down your life, and who would want to do that. I think the irony there is amazing, for someone who would later go on to do the drugs that would tick seconds off my life and smoking and drinking. It’s funny I went from being completely petrified by death to being completely petrified by life, or maybe both are the same thing, and it is really just all the control thing? Dunno.

Damien

I like to go to things like this sometimes, because something about it helps me. I have a hard time with my arrogance every day, reflecting on something higher takes me out of myself, and makes me less self focused, which is great because I hate myself anyway, which I am working on, but it is hard to sit with myself everyday, because, most of the time I wish I could break up with me, like everyone else did.. haha…

That was really pathetic… but I am trying to be honest. I think the thing that I appreciated the most about the whole thing is it showed the strength of someone doing something completely out of duty, for something that was not all about them, but a sacrifice. It really spoke to me, because my life has been quite the opposite, and I used to think that made me strong, but I am realizing very slowly, it just makes me an ***hole. I am trying to figure out the middle ground, the way to break the cycle between self assertion and self-pity and self hatred. I am just not there yet, because I am still not able to surrender completely to something, because I am still stuck at the resenting me part.

I really need to work on the whole thing, which I think the first step to is getting over the fact that I am alone, because I need to be right now. I was a self-seeking ***hole and those kinds of people need to be alone sometimes.

Before I said anything, you never said anything. Before I said anything you never said anything. Oh, by the way this is not at anyone on here. I am done with people in my life saying over and over and over things about girl girl girl. Leave me alone. leave me alone. leave me alone. I will leave you alone if you leave me alone. leave me alone. I am not talking about this, you are! This is not in my head, it is over and over and over feminine girl girl girl leave me alone if that is all you want to say. I don’t care what anyone thinks but please stop saying it at me, **** it.

I hate this. I hate this. Leave me alone with this ****. I do not talk about the genders of people, do not talk about mine. It is unnecessary and very visibly makes me upset. Please ****ing stop doing it. NOW.

**** this. **** this.

I am trying to be peaceful.

BUT ****.

I see no end, to your voice, see no end to no choice,

I hear you in my head, over and over,

Saying things you said, that I ignored, shut you out.

I would at the time rather have lived without

Hearing that you hated me, wished me to know with impunity, but now I wonder, and I fear,

Whether you were right and so my dear,

I am so sorry for shutting out

All words you said, because I live in doubt, had I listened, had I changed, would I still be in such pain??

Would we both be better now? If I stopped using then, had put it down, if I had agreed, done what you said, would I still be alone and dead inside

I am right now. I wish I had something not life without.

I was stupid. I was wrong, and now I wish I just had gone

Along with anything you did or said and maybe I would not wish I was dead.

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I sought to con time, thinking myself so divine,

I could and should do this, playing the creator of the world, while playing at being the creator of the world, thinking myself so high,

Well I was just not above anyone, just stupid and arrogant.

I took your last name, baby. That’s a consequence. I will remember you forever, because I stole a peice of you, and that isn’t a consequence is it? More like me being an ***hole… again… ****

I don’t know, I don’t like words that make me uncomfortable… and accountability *****.

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and I am not sure, how much of the physical pain I am in is even real anymore. I don’t know if I am just pacing, consumed with hallucinations and trying to meditate on something physical. I used to squeeze my hands till they would bleed, physically digging my nails into my own hands, until I dug holes into my skin. I wonder if this is like that. I wonder how much of this is because I am trying to distract myself from the things that make it so hard for me to be normal.

I wish I knew what it felt like to be normal. I am always thinking of running away, running back outside, I hate it out there.. but I have never known anything different. I have always been running to something, but when I get there.. I leave.. I just can’t stay still. I don’t know what it means to stay still. The idea of still terrifies me.

I wish I could stay still. People like still. They don’t like this, they want to help this, but I am not sure they can. I am not sure about anything. I am just hoping that something will change this time. I am hoping I can find peace somewhere and not hate it. I am so tired of hating happiness. I am so tired of searching for something, finding it and then not wanting it.

I want to want something, but I have no idea what that even means. I am so tired. I am so sick of this. I just want something to work this time, so I can finally be okay with idea of things being okay, I am so tired of ruining my life.

I don’t want the drugs or the booze anymore, and I don’t have any other way of ruining my life, which scares me, which is crazy.. I am scared by the possibility that I may be forced to be happy.. like happy is a bad thing.. I know how insane that is, but still I feel that, and it is the strangest thing.

I recognize the insanity of it, and yet, I still feel the desire to ruin my life, even though I don’t want to.

I am so thankful that at least I really don’t have it in me to do any drugs or drink again, I don’t think my body can handle it anymore. I am so tired… and my hands feel like they are on fire, my stomach is rotted away because of drinking.. I am so done.. I am just hoping that I will learn to know peace at night.

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The amount of glass on the ground around me on a daily basis astound me, items on the floor smashed to smithereens, left there because I don’t take my shoes off, and I don’t care about walking on glass without them anyway.

I smash things to pieces, and I wish I could spend more time everyday picking up the pieces than lamenting an existence of fracture, but I cannot bring myself to picking them up without squeezing my hands around them, I don’t know what is wrong with me anymore. I need professional help.

I wish I could make more phone calls to do this, but I threw my phone in the river, in a paranoid psycho delusion that people were listening to my phone calls, even though my phone calls were just to her, and her yelling at me.

I think this is the last I will say about this. I am going to do the things I said above, get professional help and try to move on, sorry for ranting on here..

You, ripped my heart out, all the details of who you were, and my lies about who I was, are irrelevant to the fact that you destroyed me, very much on purpose, pretending to be something that you were not. I believed you, and let you try and change me. I was foolish, I know, but you were cruel, and that is worse than anything. You had me, telling me you would help me, that talking to you and learning from you would make me better, that all your criticism was going somewhere, so gradually… I took it… allowed you to beat me down.. believing that you weren’t going to just beat me down…

You told me I needed you, that I was lacking ways that demanded your presence in my life, that you were a tool of the universe..

And you were, a knife.

I don’t know why you did it, because what it looks like is probably what it is…

I was your source of drugs.

That kills me.

That was all I was.

I never wanted that.

I never wanted the drugs more than you.

I would have given them up for you.

I was only a dealer, only a tool of manipulation, only a criminal, facilitating your downfall, and then you told me that, after making me that… I wanted to be so much more to you, but okay, if it helps you. I am the bad person.

I can just walk away, so please stop calling me, please stop asking about me. I was just your dealer, and I don’t do drugs or drink anymore, please lose my number, Justin/Rei.

Damien/Amanda

I am watching TV with my family, well taking a break from it for the second, to write to you, whoever you are. My family being my real one, not the one I lied about.

I am sorry for that. My friend told me that honesty is important. I think I was making myself worse, but I am really sad, and I wanted to have something so bad I made it up, and then ran out of things to say about it, because I stopped needing it, which means I am getting better I guess… I have started helping my mother, with starting a business reselling things, I am going to start going to therapy. I have friends now… I just go back and forth, and fantasy is a way for me to escape. The thing is I have a hard time with the whole powerlessness thing. I don’t like it, but someone I know was telling me just being honest with myself helps. I think that this is where I should start. My friends thought it was funny that I found it easier to pretend to be a serial killer online, than to say I am an alcoholic/addict in recovery.

I just have so much rage at those who took advantage of me at the very end, that it was easier, making myself into some sort of masked avenger. I am not that, I was just and am just an angry lunatic with drug and alcohol addiction who disowned their family to live on the streets and commit petty crime to fund my addiction.

That is it plain and simple. I will reveal more in poetic metaphor because I am paranoid because I have mental problems.

Damien

I went to the doctor and got the rest of my shots, hep a and b and am still taking my meds for staph infection, I am going to make a psych doctor appointment and get the rest of my health things in order, I have to see a nuerologist, because I have not done that since California. I am feeling so much better since I started living in reality, and not projecting my life into some strange fantasy where I feel so guilty about being a drug addict that I equate it to actually being the one responsible for hurting anyone. I did not realize till recently, how sad and messed up that is, and how it has ruined so many things for me, by my own self sabotage. I think I felt like being some violent social deviant was some how better than saying I was who I was because it made me feel like I had control over my life.

I have control over my life now without having to pretend I was hurting anyone. I was only hurting myself by putting all of that, the weight of all of that on my own shoulders, and making myself out to be some social deviant when I was just a sad addict who couldn’t handle admitting mistakes made because I felt that saying I messed up made me weak. Hurting people would not have made me strong. I am stronger admitting weakness, than living in some sick twisted Misery world where I hurt unsuspecting people who had nothing to do with my inability to accept myself.

I love all you guys who helped me see this. I am so sorry for anything I said out of lack of knowledge about what was really going on with me. I am trying to be better.

Love,

Damien

I can change my voice to sound like a man or woman, it is like nothing you have seen coming, I am my girlfriend and my boyfriend, person with four hands that will convince you that is someone who is me is after me, and will stand there laughing, while screaming please save me, he is after me! I am a master of deceit and lies, crafting whole worlds based on the idea of woman despised when I am really man with blurry eyes.

I am the one who is beating me, I speak only deceiving me, everyone already knows who I am, they can clearly see me, spinning webs and telling tales of loves lost and ships sailed that never sailed because they don’t exist, I don’t own a boat because I have lived my whole life in spendthrift style, grabbing at purses with feigned smile. I am so sorry, I am desperate, I had a hard life and just need this little bit of cash to buy a train ticket, so I can get away because he is after me, meanwhile he is me and laughing

I am the one who was always crafting reason for passing blame and shame

because I needed drugs not hugs or shrugs or doves or hope or peace or love or bliss I wanted simply this

HEROIN, a sweet kiss of death an maybe some METH.

I am trying here, I am not a good person, and live now in fear. I am sorry for what I did and mean to say in attitude of a little kid, I was so sad don’t you see? The one I was really fooling was me.

I like being able to just sit here and talk to this page, without someone demanding my attention, my daughter sits in the same room, doing her own thing. That was the thing that always got to me about the women in my life, my thing became their thing, and they made it all about them, and then I didn’t even want to do it anymore, it became corrupted with resentment, turning it green and glowing with an aura of sickness, corrupting the image, seeping into its every pore, like a MRSA infection, taking over its form and making it a different thing.

I didn’t ever want to write a book with that ****. I wanted to right one by myself, and she wanted to help me, so she did this stupid thing on here, and I tried to ruin it, with sing song **** that was not even any good, that was mocking of how she talked to me, all rhyme based and stupid, like a nursery rhyme from hell, she is the voice of misery by the way…….. I don’t remember where the **** I was going with that, I got distracted by my daughter telling me a story about Looney Tunes.

Later

Damien

In my head since finding out about the origin of the bookshelf is this, I no longer think I deserve to feel sorry for myself, I don’t want to paint myself out to be some sort of victim any more. I am not here because I deserve any of this, I realize that now. I was spared, by luck, hand of universe, whatever it was doesn’t matter… I only have now, and what I do with the hand I was dealt and I think it would only be fair, to play it the best way I can in the way that makes it worth it for those around me that I was spared for whatever reason I was spared, it is not in my power to figure that one out, so I think that I am going to stop trying to, figure out why I lived anyway. I lived that is it…. and being pathetic about it is not helping anyone who was there for me through all of this.

I am learning to take better care of myself because whether I like it or not there are people around me who care, and they don’t seem to want to stop caring, so even if I don’t care about me, they do so I have to so they don’t get hurt, so I am trying to remember to eat, to not cry all the time, and make people happy instead of just being a retching ball of agony.

Love,

Damien

I have noticed a change in my daughter, not just today, but ongoing. I am starting to realize that she is not just drawn to her mother, but looks to me too when I do not know she is watching me, I think a lot of it is she reads this thing when I am not on here, all 6 hours of it.

I am trying to keep it positive sometimes too, but I think the emotional honesty thing is good too. She seems to accept both of us for the flawed creatures we are, which is great because I can’t even fully accept myself yet. I am learning to, actually through her love, she is teaching me that hating myself does not but turn me inward and outward in cyclical resentment fighting them then me and then drinking or using alone.

I am trying to be honest for that very reason, but it is hard. I love lying. I don’t know why, power assertion is a big problem for me, I am such a fearful person, I thought I was the opposite, isolating myself felt like an act of dominance, like I was keeping others from hurting me, because I needed no one. I realize now that is not true, and was the opposite, the act of assertion being a raw fear based act.

I am sorry for this, and sorry that I will likely still do it, it is a hard habit to break.

Damien

I love you too, honey. You are an amazing girl, my lack of ability to interact with you has nothing to do with you, I have never had anyone who needed me in my entire life, I was selfish to not even think about the possibility of you existing, there were periods of time when Rei, your mother and I, I am sorry, I am new at this whole thing….

There were periods we did not speak, and even though you came out perfectly, I know that during this period of time your mother was using and was not of clear mind. I knew nothing of your existence before I met you. I still know very little about it. I think your mother knows more because she doesn’t think I can handle it. I am so happy you exist, you are the light of my life and I wouldn’t be able to see past my own hands on this keyboard if it weren’t for the existence of you. You made me see what I was doing, how I was destroying your mother, and have taught me so much more about forgiveness than I have ever thought possible. I love you, sweetie. I am terrible at showing it. I am avoidant because I am having a hard time.

This has nothing to do with you. I am hoping I can get your mother to show you this because I don’t want to ask you to read something on here. I am extremely ashamed of the hard life we gave you because of our horrible choices. I am working my hardest to progressively fix all the havoc, I am just very bad at this.

I will do anything I can to make it up to you every day of my life going forward. I do not want to fail you ever again in the way we did before or any other way.

I love you hunny.

Please forgive me.

I am so in love with you, backwards, forwards, and presently and I always was and always will be, you are my light in a world of darkness.

Your soul radiates warm and energy that glows with forward motion, with perpetual movement, you are a stirring of atoms, a restorer of dead matter, a caster of light in a world of darkness. You are my lantern, in the dark woods, a path when I am lost, a shelter from the inner storm of a cascading reign of a raining mind.

I am insane over you about you, for you and more sane because of you.

I can stand again, because you gave legs to a coward who used to run by severing the legs of my enemies, because I was weak and needed to do that because of insecurities in me, that made me afraid of everything, especially you.

You made me realize I have a mouth, I have a choice how to use it, and my words returned to a hole that was full of decay, and silent screaming undifferentiated between in my head and in reality.

Most importantly, you gave life to our daughter, the joy of my life, and one of the reasons I am still living, if nothing else I met you, and gave life to her, who I marvel at the strength of every day.

I love you so much.

I am so sorry, but I will be better, I will try to anyway.

Damien.

I am going through everything Amanda is going through with her family with mine, because I am Amanda’s hopes and dreams, I am her in the future, I am her spirit guide, I am her right now, I am her other half of her soul. I am an extension into another dimension an external representation of neutrality that exists for potentiality of bringing a new reality. I am her now, her past, her present and her future, while also being human myself and with her all the time. I am her spirit guide, and given to her by the universe, as an externalization of what regular people do on their own because she is dual diagnosis, mentally ill and an addict.

I am going through the same thing with Rei, being my point.

‘Why can’t I just be happy?’

‘Just move on!’

‘Why are you being like this?’

‘You were doing so much better before?’

‘Stop being selfish!’

These are all things that are spoken in my house and Amanda’s because we are the same spirit, in two dimensions, presenting in both at the same time. That is what I come to understand two-spirited to mean. I am go back and forth between my and her reality, and she does the same presenting as me in hers and her imagining in mine. I am her future potential as her new self while also being her present self.

I am experiencing the same thing with my family that the other half of my soul is because we are the same person, so the changes in her are the changes in me too. I am an analogy, yes, but I am also her in her dream world, while also being half her in her regular one. I know this is confusing. It is confusing for me too.

I am having a hard time, as you have seen, writhing in agony over how to do the right thing all the time. I just now realized with my friend, that I am writhing in agony, because I am trying to do something that is impossible and then resenting myself for failing. I can only do my best and trust in a higher power that everything will be alright. I cannot make everything alright. I cannot make anything. I can simply try and learn from it.

I cannot always be perfect. I am learning that my inaction and hissy fits of I am going to keep to myself then, meh meh meh… thing is bad. I am not able to be perfect, and things will not always go well. I am going to piss off my family. I am going to do the wrong thing sometimes. The key here is to move on afterwards and say I am sorry, when I am ready. I just got this and so did Amanda. I really believed up until now that the key to avoid resentment was to always do the right thing. I know that is insane. I am insane. I am an addict. I want easy solutions. I am sorry. I tried. I failed. Moving on…

I am thinking right now, that I am okay with just being all of who I am, and not making an effort to change who I am entirely for society. I realize now that was not what they, meaning society not anyone in particular was asking me to do. I am prone to rash and irrational action. I am trying to stop being like this. This does not mean I will always succeed. I am posting this to bring about a wider understanding that when a person suffering from mental illness does something because they are suffering from a lack of lucidity due to mental illness, they are not lucid at the time, they cannot be more considerate while being not lucid. They cannot always be lucid, they can make an effort to be more lucid but when they fail they are not being selfish. They are failing at being considerate while experiencing symptoms a chronic illness of the mind.

This is something that hurts a lot of people like me. The try to be better thing hurts us. I am trying to be better, but I will never be normal. I will simply be a better me. I am mentally ill, I will never be healed. I will simply be better at handling symptoms of a chronic illness of the mind.

We can try to be better people, but we cannot try to be normal because we are not normal. I understand that no one asked me to be, but I am really struggling with the reaction to times when I fail and it is forgotten that I am mentally ill at all. I am not failing due to lack of trying, I am failing because it is hard. I don’t get why people don’t understand that when someone is struggling to be more integrated into larger society and they fail, they are not doing it because they don’t care what people think, a lot of the time we are trying to figure out what you think because we don’t understand you either. I am not trying to be not normal, I am not normal and trying to be normal. When I fail at this, I am not being inconsiderate. I am trying to be inconsiderate and failing due to something that makes it harder for me. I am posting this, so people know people like me can be making an effort and fail and it is not on purpose. It is not at you. It is simply hard for someone like me to always succeed at something that is hard because as much as larger society doesn’t understand me, I don’t understand them either.

There has to be some kind of middle ground here right?

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

This site witnessed the most difficult goodbye I ever had to say last night. I tried to get rid of half of my personality, to integrate with a society that ha a highly negative response to people outside the norm. So I decided to take half of myself out of myself, and I am not a doctor, nor am I skilled in medical techniques or psychology. I have no medical background and I have done no research on this.

I claim no expertise and am adamant in making sure it is understood because the thing I am trying to do to my own self is not a medical technique, it is not a method of curing anything, it is in no way recommended by this author or anyone who has knowledge of the subject.

I am not going to try to fit into the picture society wants to place me in ever again. I realized yesterday that Amanda is my inner child and in a very Freud way, I am my inner child while also being my adult self. Damien is my adult self.

I am trying my hardest to be more mentally present. It doesn’t always work, and I am not being inconsiderate when I fail, at least not every time. If I am having an internal panic attack, I am sometimes talking to myself outwardly, and a lot of the time I am not mentally present when doing this. I am not being inconsiderate. I am not being anything, this is a period of time when I can say I am not all there. I am externalizing an inward panic, that will consume me if I don’t thrust part of it outward. I cannot see clearly while doing this. I cannot on and off switch this, and I am not completely mentally aware in the traditional sense when I am doing this, meaning I don’t notice people around me.

I try to be considerate, I am not saying I walk around like a street lunatic, talking to myself in front of people. That WOULD be inconsiderate. I am saying a mentally ill person is panicking they sometimes talk to themselves and are unaware they are even around people at all. I am not typing this to air grievances online. I am typing this to bring about understanding that people like me are not always able to fit into the mold. This is not a choice. I just don’t fit into it. I am not choosing to not fit into it.

I am taking positive steps toward living alone where I can learn to live integrated with society.

If anyone wants to way in on this, I really am struggling with this. I do not know what to do. That is why I posted it. Please tell me if you know what to do, how to make this easier. I am not posting this to air grievances online. I am asking a community of fellows how do I be considerate during periods of time where I am not mentally present entirely? I mean to say am I being inconsiderate while not mentally present entirely?

How do I get people to understand I can’t always just be okay for them?

How do I deal with people wanting me to learn to be more acceptable to society? I can try, but I am not being inconsiderate when I do this, I am simply failing while trying my hardest.

I think the most simple solution is to live alone, which I am taking positive steps towards every day.

It is silent. I can think. I am really stuck on this. I think it is who am I even? I have no idea. I am an act, in a lot of ways, an act of pretending because I want something, and I don’t how to be in a situation where I am not coning someone. I am obsessed with this concept recently, but I don’t think I have talked about on here. How do I move on from what I have done? How do I do that without losing my entire self, and why does it matter if I lose my entire self if my entire self was built on being a lying drug addict who would do anything to get high. I don’t know how to live with myself. It is not my family that is driving me nuts, it is me. I don’t know how to stop driving myself nuts.

I hate myself so much. I don’t know how to move on. I think the idea of myself as a person, is rooted in resentment, so if you remove my roots don’t I die? Is that healthy?

I don’t know. I don’t want to die, for the first time ever, but I don’t even know what being a good person means. I know how to get what I want. I am an act of bad faith a trying at everything because I am not really ever trying, I am always coning everyone, and I am just starting to realize I drank and got high in this cycle of madness to forget things I did to drink and get high so I could wash rinse repeat. I don’t even feel anything from drugs anymore. The last time I did either one of the ones I used to do, I felt like shit because I have no serotonin and I didn’t have enough of the other thing and whining about something I don’t even want to do anymore because it sucked. I have no interest in any of it, because I don’t but also because it would make no sense to be the person I don’t want my daughter be talking to outside getting the things I don’t want her doing, and she already did it, and I feel like that’s my fault because I was on here saying stupid stuff I can’t take back because she already read it.

I am such a moron.

I love you, Joy. If you read this please don’t ruin your life. You and your mother and my friend are the only thing that matter to me anymore. Please don’t be like me. I am a miserable pathetic jerk with no serotonin. I don’t want that for you. I love you so much. You saved my life. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I was not a better person before I knew you existed.

Please don’t be like me. I am not a good person, but I am trying to be better, because I love you.

Damien.

Thank you, God.

I am so grateful they went bed. I hate saying this. I hate typing this. I want to get high on a drug that doesn’t exist. I don’t like how any drug makes me feel anymore, but I hate this clawing madness. I hate the demands of everyone around me. I want to be *$%^*&^ alone. I don’t mean in my own head which I share with my friend, she feels the same way. I just am reacting stronger, because she is a pansy.

I want to know how everyone else seems to know what to say, and I always say the wrong thing. I can’t say anything that has the ability to convey what I am trying to say apparently.

I don’t get it. I have the same thing Amanda has because of coincidence I guess. I have said nothing about it because I can’t get a word in edge wise, because I am worried I am going to bite someone’s head off. I wish my daughter and my wife didn’t have phones. I don’t want to hear hey come look at this, ever again. I can’t stand on my leg without it hurting because I used to do stupid things that I don’t want to talk about with my teenage daughter, so no I don’t want to see a video on the internet for the thousandth time. My knee hurts. I took some advil but because I am a drug addict it doesn’t work that well, and I am going to the hospital tomorrow, but its going to still hurt afterwards because I am not taking anything other than a medication to cure the infection, because there is no way I am bringing anything in this %^&**&^ room. I don’t want my daughter touching the things that helped ruin large parts of my life.

Damien

No. I am busy.

No you’re not going to be busy, you don’t even do anything.

You don’t do anything.

Yes, I do and you know it.

You sit on the computer all day and talk to me.

I sit on the computer all day and talk to you and help you with this blog, and I have a kid, and I have a wife…

Blah blah blah I am so important. You should come with me because it will be fun.

No it won’t, it’s going to suck and you just want it to suck for me too, and that’s not fair.

It’s not fair that you have to help me when I helped you a lot recently.

I have helped you too.

They might give me….

Okay screw you, I am going, but it’s your fault if I get addicted…

They aren’t going to give them to me, I was just kidding but now you have to go because you said you could if I gave you drugs, jerk.

Fine, so if you get drugs can I have some?

If they give me drugs I am going to refuse them, jerk.

Thanks.

You’re welcome. Jerk.

Don’t admit defeat in the feet of the street, moron.

I kind of heard that in my head just now I think, but I don’t want to admit that because I am not sure if I am being arrogant, and I am really trying here. I want to be something other than the ranting lunatic that sees nothing but darkness illuminated by little bits of light in the form of the white letters on this screen.

I imagine that these letters represent a chaotic clawing out of the damnation that is my current situation so I can be the helper of my friend who is also me.

I feel like we may have been lost in hell? In an internal hell, of the rage, pride, lust, envy, greed, wrath, and sloth which I always forget because I am vain and sloth makes me think I am lazy……..

I think for the very least my daughter likes me, but I am troubled by that as well because that means she likes and identifies with someone who was involved in really dark things, and it makes me wonder if she is just going to do the same things I did…

If I hadn’t done those things I wouldn’t have exactly her though…. and I like her, so screw it. I am just very confused.

I will stop whining now, and cease embarrassing myself, at least I can log of here and run away if I want to, which explains why I am not doing it because the glitter of escape is only an escape if I don’t look at it.

I suck at committing to anything other than committing senseless atrocities, it was so much easier, but I am going to for once in my life do the right thing, and be a better person because for once my pride is working in my favor. I am too prideful to admit defeat. But wait… is that love or pride.

I think I just got it, if I forgive myself I will not resent myself and keep repeating the same chaotic cycle, and maybe she can learn from my mistakes.

She spends a lot of time outside, and I was asking her why last night, like what she does out there, because being an idiot I assumed she was doing something bad, like drugs. She told me something awesome, which was amazing. I like being surprised by the chaotic joy of my daughter who is so aptly named. I hate that sentence because it sounds disgustingly egotistical on second thought, but I am leaving it so I have to look it, because maybe staring at my own pathetic egoism will make me a better person.

She paints these pictures of the universe that suggest a level of innate joy that is breathtaking because I can’t breathe in a universe that is not besmirched with maddening decay. I like her paintings of birds the most because they always include this chaotic seeming painting of the sky, where it looks like she is painting a longing for a world she sees only in her dreams.

It is funny, the more time she spends with my wife, the more the painting gets better, and less chaotic, which is why I just stay on here, because I am hoping she will do the same and maybe when we are both less insane she can talk to me like she talks to her mother, right now since the smoking incident I think I don’t know what to say other than that I am a really bad example and if I had known she existed I would never have killed anyone.

A quilt lies on a bed of dread, because your soul is not dead.

It is very much alive with eyes that despise your misplaced space

In a universe of human race

That is not one but many

With hearts a plenty

That are not beating in instruction to

Cut them out and consume the few

Weak and wreaking

Because, fool don’t you feel those souls creaking

Just like yours their souls are speaking

Of pain and of loss

It is your soul that you toss

In the trash with every life you take

Every single heart you break

Every decision that you choose

Is your desire for fools clothes

Because you can see clearly that you

are you are in the one who is in the stew.