You make me nervous

I am imaging someone, because I have no one, because I have failed my whole life to do anything other than serve my own selfish interests.

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I am sitting outside, waiting for someone, I don’t remember her name, just remember that she had something that I wanted, and I was supposed to wait outside, because she wanted to talk to you alone, but all I wanted was to talk to you alone. Looking at you made me forget anything I had ever wanted in my entire life. You smelled like roses, and you laughed at very specific things, which indicated you were laughing not as a show, but because you had a very specific and unique sense of humor.

You laugh, and it is like someone opened a window, and I realized it has been sweltering hot in any room I have ever been in, and you are cool refreshing water

Your laugh sounds like a waterfall, washing over everything in my life and making it alright, making everything alright, washing every bit of pain out of me… just for the couple seconds that I look into your eyes.

You have someone else, someone who is also waiting for the same thing I am waiting for, but I wish neither of us were waiting for that, in this moment from the past, I wish that I had never done any drugs at all, and could be just standing there with you listening to you laugh, it was better than any drug I have ever done.

I am looking at the lights, and I swear, that if I think about it, they become brighter. I am not sure why. I am not sure if it is as simple as I am opening my eyes more, and in some paranoid delusion I think I am manipulating light.

I am walking, in a memory, not now, obviously right now I am typing to you, whoever you are.

I am walking, forward, very conscious of it being forward to something, I have no had anything to drink, I mean water in seven days.

I think this is how long it was, not sure, I am begining to suffer the effects of extreme dehydration, falling into a lunacy unlike anything I have ever known, which is unfortunate because it is making it impossible to get water, and it’s funny, no matter how much I make a fool of myself, no one calls an ambulance either, or maybe they do and this was not as long as I thought it was and I am experiencing a false memory where time is relative to my idea of how much I suffered.

Hell

A man with a hose in his yard saves me, giving me a gallon jug of water and some food, I asked the universe out loud for this, I am not sure how long it took to answer, like I said, I am not sure how long this whole process took, I think I might of been in a state of madness.

I remember being places, in the middle of the Night, walking and catching the rare Moonlight, just strong enough, to illuminate a hawk, an eagle or sparrow.

I would stare up at them, looking at their gliding bodies, and wonder if they think, like we do. I don’t know the answer. I could look it up, but I don’t want to.

I imagine them, not thinking at all, just gliding in the air, and feeling the wind against their feathers and knowing things, but not having to say them, feeling things, but just gliding.

I am well enough to be left to my own devices, and you can leave me be, without having to try to bend me, and shape me to your vices, your desires to mold the world to your sacrifices, which are not mine, are not divine and are in line with high prices, not willing to be paid by me, to your idea of

Divinity, and your desire to incrementally ram down my throat, ideas that make me choke

Is the reason why I use to toke, smoke, and inject pain in vain in soul devastating reign of pain.

I have had it with you too. I hate everything you do too. I wish you would stop too.

The difference is, I am not saying this. I am not doing anything to you.

I am just being me, and being free, and trying to be.

Simply. Truthfully.

Free of you and everything you do.

To mold me to be you.

You, ripped my heart out, all the details of who you were, and my lies about who I was, are irrelevant to the fact that you destroyed me, very much on purpose, pretending to be something that you were not. I believed you, and let you try and change me. I was foolish, I know, but you were cruel, and that is worse than anything. You had me, telling me you would help me, that talking to you and learning from you would make me better, that all your criticism was going somewhere, so gradually… I took it… allowed you to beat me down.. believing that you weren’t going to just beat me down…

You told me I needed you, that I was lacking ways that demanded your presence in my life, that you were a tool of the universe..

And you were, a knife.

I don’t know why you did it, because what it looks like is probably what it is…

I was your source of drugs.

That kills me.

That was all I was.

I never wanted that.

I never wanted the drugs more than you.

I would have given them up for you.

I was only a dealer, only a tool of manipulation, only a criminal, facilitating your downfall, and then you told me that, after making me that… I wanted to be so much more to you, but okay, if it helps you. I am the bad person.

I can just walk away, so please stop calling me, please stop asking about me. I was just your dealer, and I don’t do drugs or drink anymore, please lose my number, Justin/Rei.

Damien/Amanda

I am not sure sometimes, if I am being guided by the hands of the universe not individually as some lunatic with some mission of importance, but simply some wind-watcher, air listener, tragic tour guide of no one, standing outside in the middle of the night debating shadows that cast on the walls of the houses of the towns I walk through, or right now live in.

I am awoken, by the fighting of very literal cats outside my window, and my mother’s dog is yelled for by my stepfather, he can’t find her, she woke up and he took her to the bathroom and she took off and I can hear outside my window, so I wake up, even though he is focused on something else, I tell him, what is happening and it helped him understand her, and helped him find her.

I wonder how many times before, was I too high or drunk to even hear the cats fighting, and what this all means.

Is there some value to my lunacy, that helps the universe in any way?

I think what I am trying to say or what I was trying to say in the last post can be best expressed through a straight line connecting these three concepts, and my first reaction to this drawn out this way is time is the answer, but I wanted to know what the rest of you think, if there is something else there, and if I am overthinking or under thinking this….

This is just one those ideas that has always confused me. I am a very strong willed person, and I am always wrong about everything… I know this, and I keep doing the same stupid crap and can’t seem to catch that I am doing it till after I have already done it, I am wondering I guess… if there is anyone who has experienced this, and has a way to slow themselves down before they jump off a proverbial cliff and realize they made a mistake?

I want to make the lives of those around me easier, so I can learn to be better in an easier way, without having the others around me suffer, which is why I am doing any of this at all.. but I was wondering if there is something I don’t know… or if it really is something that just gets easier with time.. I have asked my in person friends as well, and am just interested in a bunch of different responses, because I don’t the answer to this.

Damien

I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of life recently, the idea of my will versus the world, and the idea of what it truly means to admit that I am not in control. I have a hard time understanding this concept, coupled with the concept of emotional honesty. I am trying to strike a balance in my head between the idea that I am not in control which makes me want to assert control and the whole honesty thing. I am stuck on the idea that my honest response is to fight against the universe, that I do not have control over, because to not respond honestly would be dishonest which means I would be faking it.

I am just collecting responses on the idea, I don’t know what I think of the whole thing, and would love to know what others think. Let me know if you have any thoughts.

I will be fine, just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this…

How do I overcome processes I want to overcome, when they are so ingrained in me and making me miserable?

Feel free to tell me what you think, looking for opinions because I have no idea what the answer to this is.

Is this just something that comes with time and effort?