Luminance

Did you lose your focus, baby?

Sadness Has a Way Out

Yes, I did because I am ****ing insane.

I am your brain on… resentment, just like drugs, but not very ****ing fun, but, oh so entertaining aren’t I?

No, you are just a lunatic talking to yourself.

You are so very negative.

You are the one talking to yourself, ***hole.

I love having your voice in my head.

It is my head.

No, it is our head.

No, it is Amanda’s and my head. You are a visitor, who they say is unwelcome, you just come to talk to me, because we are such good friends, and since we don’t want drugs anymore, you are no longer useful resentment.

Ouch.

I am getting good at this, baby. You can leave now.

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I am unnoticed

Hot air balloon that flies over HELL, below are those who do not even notice, beyond anything that spells their pain and suffering, they cannot see, they are slaves to their sweet misery, they live in resentment, and cannot look up, this is the state in which they are stuck.

In the muck and the mire, they worship fire, which belongs so sweetly, to their own pain, their lack of restraint, so when something flies over, that can save them from themselves, they are not watchful, looking only

AHEAD AND

DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

SYMMETRICAL

My soul burns for you baby, you make me so ****ing happy.

Sometimes, others I see this.

See Clearly

I had a pair of shades once, they almost looked rosey, but a little off. They made things look a little fuzzy, like I was always a little bit blurry. They were called alcohol, I don’t think they were shades now that I think about it, I think normal people call them glasses, not the same thing I think… I think one you wear on your eyes and the other eats my mind.

I like crayons.

I see no end, to your voice, see no end to no choice,

I hear you in my head, over and over,

Saying things you said, that I ignored, shut you out.

I would at the time rather have lived without

Hearing that you hated me, wished me to know with impunity, but now I wonder, and I fear,

Whether you were right and so my dear,

I am so sorry for shutting out

All words you said, because I live in doubt, had I listened, had I changed, would I still be in such pain??

Would we both be better now? If I stopped using then, had put it down, if I had agreed, done what you said, would I still be alone and dead inside

I am right now. I wish I had something not life without.

I was stupid. I was wrong, and now I wish I just had gone

Along with anything you did or said and maybe I would not wish I was dead.

See there was nothing to save, I was right, you were wrong, and you saved yourself from watching me slowly rip myself into a thousand pieces. I didn’t want to do anything with my **** life anyway.

I am getting better, and I don’t need you, anyway. I can do this without your help, because you never understood… I kept saying over and over I am done, and you would want to go out and have a drink with me. I can’t ****ing do that responsibly, and I told you that. OVER and OVER and OVER
and you insisted you could teach me how to drink the right way????

I don’t want to drink anymore **** it. I am doing this now, and you are still saying you are worried about me, and you are still using????? HOW AM I THE BAD PERSON????? STOP CALLING ME.

THIS happened two weeks ago, de Soto.

No one calls you anymore.

That is not true, I have friends…. just not her. Just not her.

Trigger Warning- Paranoid Schizophrenic quarrel with myself about how I hate myself. May be disturbing.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2023/03/27/your-daily-word-prompt-Quarrel-ydwordprompt-March-27-2023/

Quarrel

I have a query, ever so leery, because I know the answer.

I HATE MY SELF.

FIGHT ME

I speak to me, all the time, a mind in perpetual quarrel with itself, a life on shelf fighting it’s

Contract shunned by me, I am glee, glee,

Quarrel with me, self.

I am clearly on shelf.

Isn’t that shell fish shelled fish

Did you just call me a fish???

Yes, and selfish

I fight with voices in my head, that can be red with passive aggression or read on here.

I am Swiss cheese…..

Except I am not Swiss, and not cheese…

Just a real person… or

Human soul

Full of metaphysical holes in my

Self or the idea of everything I am.

I dug them myself because she told me she would help me, and I am stupid and gullible and believed her/him when he/she told me she loved me. I don’t know why that gives her/him the right to put holes in me.. okay? I don’t even know what love is, and no one had ever told me they loved me, not like that… so I listened to everything he/she said…. I would have jumped off a….Not really…. I would have done almost anything they asked me to, even if it hurt me, and he/she used that to make me do whatever they wanted on a mission for drugs,

And it was so obvious to everyone except me, even those who hated me, would tell me

You realize you are just her source right?

I was just her source of elation and she was everything to me.

I want to….

I could cry, if I wasn’t so numb because my soul hurts.

Please God, can I find something real, please God, please God,,, I don’t want to be alone…I am so sorry for everything I did.. please don’t…. I don’t want to be alone anymore…

Writing that really helped me. The last part, which means prayer just helped me. Thank you to my higher power, I am not crying anymore, numb. sad. but stopped crying.

I am listening, and I have an instant reaction to something you say, and I react and for a second feel okay, I was honest at least, that’s a step right? I am not lying, I am being honest. I am okay with the world and feel like I am doing the right thing.

Then I think about what I said, and the whole world lights on fire, a fire not burning with flame, but with different colors, that I have never seen before, because I have never experienced a world of color before. I have always lived in black and white, never dealing with light of day, with human being, ruler of land of push away. I sit and agonize over things that are tiny and stupid, and then resent myself for doing it, no one does this. No one has to, they are not stupid. I am stupid and think about stupid things.

Then I realize that they know that I do this, and I think I am in some way better than those around me, and that the fact that I do this makes me superior to them, and that if they only knew how specifically hard to be very specifically me it was they would

DRINK USE TOO

I just got this, that this is the process of what I usually do, and that by taking a step back and not hating myself for doing it… helped me. Thank you random stranger in the park that told me this.

Learn more about manual excerpts(opens in a new tab)

I am listening to swan lake, which I love because apparently, you make everything about you ****.

I hate you, I love swans, and swan lake, and this song, and I want you gone, out of my head, I want you….

Stop it. Stop it.

You are not that, think of the cat. Think of the cat. Remember what your friend said. Think of the **** cat.

**** his cats.

Oh, so this is about him too now?

It is about all them………..

It’s all for you, Damien.

SCREW YOU. I am not that. I am not that. I am not that.

That was mean. That was mean……

Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

You are alone. You are always alone.

With me.

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you.

Love yourself, dude.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I am so sorry.

Love yourself.

Please stop.

Okay, I am done.

I feel better.

I am done.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2023/03/04/your-daily-word-prompt-bluster-ydwordprompt-march-4-2023/

To the bluster of the ever rusted madman of the night, to the wet feather dust

ERERER

Error.

Rain. Rain. Reign of blustering pain.

Blustery day, blustering decay, I love you, I know not I do.

I

Oh so free, are you, you know not what you do?

ISN’T THAT TRUE
ISN’T IT
TELL ME KNOW LIAR
HOW YOU PLAY WITH FIRE
THIEF OF ****
BENT OVER IN DOUBLING PAIN
YOU ARE THE HUMAN STAIN

erase erase erase, delete, delete delete

me me me i i i i i me me me

Be be be be be

Be asserting be strong be free

I ONLY WANT YOU TO SEE ME!!!!

YOU ARE A LIAR AND A THIEF
YOU ARE NOT HUMAN AND FROM BENEATH

you are really mean please leave me alone please leave me alone

I need you to leave me alone!!

ALONE!!!!!!

On a bluster filled day, I DECAY.

I can’t make them go away, I can just type them down, you see ever so clearly, they are in front of me and that makes them foolish instead of

JARRING JARRING
SOUL IN JAR

I can talk to you to, but chose this, this approach, a kind host of a dissing ease, seems to please you to the point of end of

transmission

His live like mine, a living Hell, he was a slave much like me, he spoke of peace and love but dealt poison speed and black of night

Under cover of name of lady who saves, he was not a bad man just one who desired to get paid, he was my friend, my brother too. Not of blood unless you count that eaten with bent spoon, we all have the same dissing ease it’s okay, you can poke me too, I will not run away. I am your friend chicken and I don’t bite.

I am a vegetarian that eats in black and white or shades of gray or clear, depends on who you ask, and I have no fear, I am not like you, I am a brave one, who hunts with fist and fights for fun. I love to run. run. run.

I am more like a chicken than I think. I have skin rotting with stench of poison stink.

I am decaying and I don’t even care, I am a breather of bitter vapor air. I need no oxygen, don’t you see. I am not a human, but a flying bird don’t need to breathe… that’s not even true, but I don’t care, none of this can touch me I have wings and am not there.