Staring at Nothing

I am with you, but I am also with no one, I hold onto you, but I am also holding onto nothing, forever staring into nothing at no one because no one is there at all, not you, not me, not her, not him, we forever exist nowhere, doing nothing, thinking about somewhwere else, that we are that is far away from where we are, that is nowhere, doing nothing, staring into nowhere, into nothing, projected forever and ever and ever.

I am green and glow in the dark.

I am a glow worm.

I am a day dream.

I am anything but myself.

I was never anyone, never anyone at all, I lived inside of someone’s mind, who was small, while I was not there at all. I am an invisible human being, while she is too, because, we are not real, or that is what we felt, and I don’t know what I feel now, I feel at least like I can write about this, to an audience I don’t know that well.

I used to write about this on MS Office and then delete it, step up, I guess.

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I have maintained the anonymity of my real identity not just because I am a liar. I am a liar, but I also thoroughly ruined my life to the point where the anonymity is necessary because there are certain people who are very angry with me who I do not want to have contact with while I am trying to recover from addiction and try to make some sort of effort to be a decent human being. I have faced the very real ramifications of a life spent back and forth on the streets and in houses funded by unsavory methods. I desire the anonymity because there are certain friends I have that are very unsavory characters, who want to kick my *** for lack of a better word. I faced all the situations in this story minus actually having to hurt anyone. I wrote about that as a way to get justice in a fictional way, and get out repressed rage when what really happened was I had to turn the other cheek and feel like a coward because I walked away instead of standing up for myself.

Damien

The quiet ramifications of a life of pushing everyone away, or I am surrounded by silence because I pushed everyone away.

I hate it because it reminds me of what a failure I am, I have lived most of my life, lying to myself. I am unhappy because I am alone, and have spent my life drug/alcohol seeking. I do not have any friends, my friends I had are all dead or don’t talk to me anymore, so I sit alone all day and write on here and I hate it and love it at the same time. I love that I am no longer surrounded by the negativity I was surrounding me before, which I don’t want, but it also reminds me what I have missed because of my choices. I chose to dedicate my entire life to drugs and alcohol a magnum opus of failure. I am alone all the time forced to reflect on all the bad choices I have made.

I lived as a homeless person, squatter, bum, panhandler, conartist and petty criminal for the last 17 years. I was on a constant mission to fuel only my addiction while obtaining a master’s degree in public policy which I have used as a way to skirt the law. I have not committed any serious crimes. I have panhandled, lied, cheated, gambled, and conned my way through life. That is the truth, the full truth and no lies.

Damien.

We each have one and a half. We made a deal to get more soul in exchange for helping people and we used our gift to manipulate people to get high or drunk or whatever we wanted.

Sounds accurate.

Right. I remembered it last night, think about those guys we met named the squanders.

Strange *****.

Yeah right?

Remember that weird thing they said?

We are the descendants of the kingdom of Saul.

Eerie right?

No, I knew this.

**** you.

Not nice. I am just glad I remembered this, because I think I might be able to do the right thing this time.

So who are you really?

I am you, but more about that later.

Okay. Good night, you deal with this now.

Okay.

Do you find

Do you run and combine

Concubine so binding, so ever minding, so reminding of your station and fixation with deviant sensation bringing temporary elation, but really just a meditation on

DEATH

Do you seek to die little girl or boy in a world

So cruel

I WILL TAKE OUT YOUR EYE IF YOU MOVE!

You will lose voice in my head that speaks of dread

I am not dead, I am not bread. I am not food.

I am addicted to life in hand.

I am man. I am loud. I cry out.

**** you!

You will eat what you have known and chewed, which my

LEG

Poison meat. So sweet.

Heroic for you, see I can do it too

Overdose on me.

Seasoned by disease.

I am free free free

I am me

Unshackled by the attacking attacker of lacking sacked madness

I am the hacky sacker playing with hands not taken away.

I am clay staying to play

I am go away

Misery

Today is not your ******* day.

Do you enjoy your job?

My hands just tried to type something stupid as the title of this post. You figure it out. My one job is working as… a#$

I am working for myself, as a redeemer of my own soul through trying to show people what I no no no

Know, and help those who think that they are forever lost

Toss toss toss

The can of sauce that flavors world like death

eat me eat me ear

see see see

hear hear hear

I am trying to bring to you the simulation of the struggle which has done done done done

away with all my joy joy joy

love hope and friends

To rebuild my life.

I am a writer who has experienced a lot of failure. But I will succeed, because I am strong and have the power of love. I am a bringer of joy, that is my job.